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Hisjoy -> I Remember God (9/20/2006 11:50:53 PM)
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I remember God... ...that distant, unknown person up in the sky. Sometimes I felt He was near. At 3 years old I was very proud of the tiny naevus on my right hand, showing it to grown-ups but not to other children. I'd say, "Do you see that? Do you know where it came from?" They'd tell me they saw it and didn't know where it came from, and I would say with great passion (because I was very, very sure of it), "God put it there to make my hand look pretty." When the Bible was still taught in school, I took to heart Stephen's saying, "Lay not this sin to their charge." It was wonderful to a 7-year-old that he would be so forgiving, and I told God so, sure that He heard me. Later, a 13-year-old would be captured by Jesus' words, "Father, forgive them, for they know not what they do." I had entered my rebellious teen years. A friend invited me to church on Easter and, to my own surprise, I went! I really enjoyed the service and the hymns. My heart was lifted. I wanted to go back another time. On arriving home, the question was immediately thrown at me, "Well, did you enjoy it?" My answer (because I had to be tough) was, "No." And I held to it--never went back. A few months later, I walked up the stairs to my math class. A children's hymn came to my mind. One line in particular stood out, "O, light the flame within my heart." I was saying it to God even though I didn't know Him. And right there on the stairs I got a wonderful feeling--my heart felt like it burned with warmth. I was sure God had heard me. God reached out to me when I was 15. Another friend invited me to her youth group. One of the new breed of musical groups was bringing guitars and singing new songs. It was a fun night. After the concert they invited people to come up front to ask Jesus into their hearts. Oh, how I wanted to do it! Even so, I didn't understand Who He was, or what would happen to me, so I played safe and didn't go forward. I remember night after night in my late teen years, calling out to God, "If You are real, show Yourself to me." At the same time I was telling people that He didn't exist. This happened for at least two years and then... ...at 20, I went to a church service for the first time in several years, invited by another friend. The preacher presented the attributes of Jesus. Suddenly feeling physically weak, I appealed to God as thoughts of past injustices to my friends bombarded me and the goodness of Jesus appealed to me! "O, God, I'm not like that," said I as he described the Lord, "I want to be like Jesus." 'Something' enveloped me from head to toe with a 'fwoomp', and I felt clean--as clean as clean can be. I'd been speaking out against God and now I wanted to know all about Him. I really wanted to change. It didn't last. After a few days, the good feeling left and I went back to being my rebellious self. All these experiences with God, and probably more, and I knew nothing about salvation or why Jesus came to die on the cross, or why He rose again. Yet looking back on those hollow, fearful times, I remember God. He 'touched' me, a child and a young woman, a few isolated times and a lot of times I just knew He was there. Most of the time He seemed like that distant being up in the sky. The only 'path' I 'saw' to Him was a figment of my imagination: a black, streaky path specked with stars shooting down from a black, starry sky. I felt so empty and everything seemed so dark and frightening when I thought of Him. Only God Himself can change a heart like that. And He did. I remember God. I remember what He did for me, how He brought life and love and comfort and peace into my life through Jesus. Maybe, even today, there are people who think of God as I once did. Maybe God will send me and others also, to listen to their hearts. Maybe God will turn their hearts to Him. Maybe they will one day say, "I remember God....".
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