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RE: Hey! I've got a joke. : ) - 5/10/2008 11:21:49 AM
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Focusing
Posts: 5256
Joined: 5/19/2007
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While walking along the sidewalk in front of his church, our minister heard the intoning of a prayer that nearly made his collar wilt.
Apparently, his 5-year-old son and his playmates had found a dead robin. Feeling that proper burial should be performed, they had secured a small box and cotton batting, then dug a hole and made ready for the disposal of the deceased. The minister's son was chosen to say the appropriate prayers and with sonorous dignity intoned his version of what he thought his father always said:
'Glory be unto the Faaather, and unto the Sonnn, and into the hole he goooes.'
_____________________________
Sam
The LORD is my rock and my fortress and my deliverer, my God, my rock, in whom I take refuge; my shield and the horn of my salvation, my stronghold. Psalm 18:2
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RE: Hey! I've got a joke. : ) - 5/10/2008 11:22:54 AM
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Focusing
Posts: 5256
Joined: 5/19/2007
Status: offline
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A little boy opened the big family bible. He was fascinated as he fingered through the old pages.
Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible. He picked up the object and looked at it. What he saw was an old leaf that had been pressed in between the pages.
'Mama, look what I found,' the boy called out.
'What have you got there, dear?'
With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered, 'I think it's Adam's underwear.'
_____________________________
Sam
The LORD is my rock and my fortress and my deliverer, my God, my rock, in whom I take refuge; my shield and the horn of my salvation, my stronghold. Psalm 18:2
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RE: Hey! I've got a joke. : ) - 5/10/2008 1:39:49 PM
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woodwind228
Posts: 442
Joined: 5/8/2008
From: Atlanta
Status: offline
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Good one!! Wonder if he found it in Genesis...LOL
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RE: Hey! I've got a joke. : ) - 5/12/2008 9:09:15 AM
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John_O
Posts: 6950
Joined: 9/5/2006
Status: offline
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Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered to
her mother, 'Why is the bride dressed in white?'
The mother replied, 'Because white is the color of happiness, and
today is the happiest day of her life.'
The child thought about this for a moment then said, 'So why is the
groom wearing black?'
_____________________________
Psalms 46:10 Be still, and know that I am God: I will be exalted among the heathen, I will be exalted in the earth.
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RE: Hey! I've got a joke. : ) - 5/12/2008 12:06:23 PM
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Biblefreak
Posts: 818
Joined: 8/10/2006
From: the spirit of God
Status: offline
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A new supermarket opened near my house.
It has an automatic water mister to keep the produce fresh.
Just before it goes on, you hear the sound of distant thunder and the smell of fresh rain.
When you pass the milk cases, you hear cows mooing and you experience the scent of fresh mown hay.
In the meat department there is the aroma of charcoal grilled steaks with onions.
When you approach the egg case, you hear hens cluck and cackle, and the air is filled with the pleasing aroma of bacon and eggs frying.
The bread department features the tantalizing smell of fresh baked bread & cookies.
I don't buy toilet paper there any more.
_____________________________
"I'm blessed, I must confess
My heart is pounding in my chest
Cause this love's the best
I'm just a love addict"
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RE: Hey! I've got a joke. : ) - 5/12/2008 12:19:35 PM
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woodwind228
Posts: 442
Joined: 5/8/2008
From: Atlanta
Status: offline
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Good one!
_____________________________
*~* Susan *~*
These things I have spoken to you, so that in Me you may have peace. In the world you have tribulation, but take courage; I have overcome the world. --John 16:33 KJV
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RE: Hey! I've got a joke. : ) - 5/12/2008 12:26:22 PM
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woodwind228
Posts: 442
Joined: 5/8/2008
From: Atlanta
Status: offline
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Here's one:
A woman goes into Bass Pro Shop to buy a rod and reel for her grandson's birthday. She doesn't know which one to get so she just grabs one and goes over to the counter.
A Bass Pro Shop associate is standing there wearing dark shades. She says, 'Excuse me, sir. Can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?'
He says, 'Ma'am, I'm completely blind; but if you'll drop it on the counter, I can tell you everything from the sound it makes.' She doesn't believe him but drops it on the counter anyway.
He says, 'That's a six-foot Shakespeare graphite rod with a Zebco 404 reel and 10-LB Test line. It's a good all around combination; and it's on sale this week for only $20.00.'
She says, 'It's amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter.. I'll take it!' As she opens her purse, her credit card drops on t he floor.
'Oh, that sounds like a Master Card,' he says.
She bends down to pick it up and accidentally breaks wind. At first she is really embarrassed, but then realizes there is no way the blind clerk could tell it was she, who tooted. Being blind, he wouldn't know that she was the only person around.
The man rings up the sale and says, 'That'll be $34.50 please.'
The woman is totally confused by this and asks, 'Didn't you tell me the rod and reel were on sale for $20.00? How did you get $34.50?'
He replies, ' Yes, Ma'am. The rod and reel is $20.00, but the Duck Call is $11.00 and the Catfish Bait is $3.50'
_____________________________
*~* Susan *~*
These things I have spoken to you, so that in Me you may have peace. In the world you have tribulation, but take courage; I have overcome the world. --John 16:33 KJV
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RE: Hey! I've got a joke. : ) - 5/12/2008 1:23:22 PM
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John_O
Posts: 6950
Joined: 9/5/2006
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A man and his ever nagging wife went on vacation to Jerusalem.
While there, his wife passed away.
The undertaker told him that it would cost $5000 to ship his wife's body back to the States or, he could have her buried here for only $150.
After thinking for a minute, the husband says that he would like to have her body shipped back home.
Perplexed, the undertaker asked why.
The man said:
"Many years ago, there was a man who was buried here and after three days, rose from the dead. I just can't take that chance!"
(OK I know it's bad but it's also pretty funny)
_____________________________
Psalms 46:10 Be still, and know that I am God: I will be exalted among the heathen, I will be exalted in the earth.
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RE: Hey! I've got a joke. : ) - 5/12/2008 1:28:51 PM
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woodwind228
Posts: 442
Joined: 5/8/2008
From: Atlanta
Status: offline
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Atheist Holiday
Court Ruling
In Florida , an atheist became incensed over the preparation of Easter and Passover holidays. He decided to contact his lawyer about the discrimination inflicted on atheists by the constant celebrations afforded to Christians and Jews with all their holidays while atheists had no holiday to celebrate. The case was brought before a judge.
After listening to the long passionate presentation by the lawyer, the Judge banged his gavel and declared, 'Case dismissed!'
The lawyer immediately stood and objected to the ruling and said, 'Your honor, how can you possibly dismiss this case? The Christians have Christmas, Easter and many other observances. Jews have Passover, Yom Kippur and Hanukkah...yet my client and all other atheists have no such holiday!'
The judge leaned forward in his chair and simply said, 'Obviously your client is too confused to even know about, much less celebrate his own atheists' holiday!'
The lawyer pompously said, 'Your Honor, we are unaware of any such holiday for atheists. Just when might that holiday be, your Honor?'
The judge said, 'Well it comes every year on exactly the same date---April 1st! Since our calendar sets April 1st as 'April Fools Day,' consider that Psalm 14:1 states, 'The fool says in his heart, there is no God.' Thus, in my opinion, if your client says there is no God, then by scripture, he is a fool, and April 1st is his holiday!
Now have a good day and get out of my courtroom!
_____________________________
*~* Susan *~*
These things I have spoken to you, so that in Me you may have peace. In the world you have tribulation, but take courage; I have overcome the world. --John 16:33 KJV
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RE: Hey! I've got a joke. : ) - 5/12/2008 11:18:15 PM
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John_O
Posts: 6950
Joined: 9/5/2006
Status: offline
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SOMEBODY'S RAISING THEIR KID RIGHT!
One Nation, "Under God".
One day a 6 year old girl was sitting in a classroom.
The teacher was going to explain evolution to the children.
The teacher asked a little boy: Tommy do you see the tree outside?
TOMMY: Yes.
TEACHER: Tommy, do you see the grass outside?
TOMMY: Yes.
TEACHER: Go outside and look up and see if you can see the sky.
TOMMY: Okay. (He returned a few minutes later) Yes, I saw the sky.
TEACHER: Did you see God up there?
TOMMY: No.
TEACHER: That's my point.
We can't see God because he isn't there.
Possibly he just doesn't exist.
A little girl spoke up and wanted to ask the boy some questions.
The teacher agreed and the little girl asked the boy:
Tommy, do you see the tree outside?
TOMMY: Yes.
LITTLE GIRL: Tommy do you see the grass outside?
TOMMY: Yessssss!
LITTLE GIRL: Did you see the sky?
TOMMY: Yessssss!
LITTLE GIRL: Tommy, do you see the teacher?
TOMMY: Yes
LITTLE GIRL: Do you see her brain?
TOMMY: No
LITTLE GIRL: Then according to what we were taught today in school,
she possibly may not even have one!
(You Go Girl!)
FOR WE WALK BY FAITH, NOT BY SIGHT"
II CORINTHIANS 5:7
_____________________________
Psalms 46:10 Be still, and know that I am God: I will be exalted among the heathen, I will be exalted in the earth.
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RE: Hey! I've got a joke. : ) - 5/12/2008 11:24:41 PM
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shemaromans
Posts: 3854
Joined: 3/30/2007
Status: offline
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Excellent! I'm forwarding it...
_____________________________
"But as for me, it is good to be near God." Psalm 73:28
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RE: Hey! I've got a joke. : ) - 5/12/2008 11:44:32 PM
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woodwind228
Posts: 442
Joined: 5/8/2008
From: Atlanta
Status: offline
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I love it!!
_____________________________
*~* Susan *~*
These things I have spoken to you, so that in Me you may have peace. In the world you have tribulation, but take courage; I have overcome the world. --John 16:33 KJV
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RE: Hey! I've got a joke. : ) - 5/13/2008 10:15:38 AM
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Biblefreak
Posts: 818
Joined: 8/10/2006
From: the spirit of God
Status: offline
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Stumpy and His Wife
Stumpy and his wife Martha went to the state fair every year. Every year Stumpy would say, "Martha, I'd like to ride in that there airplane."
And every year Martha would say, "I know Stumpy, but that airplane ride costs ten dollars, and ten dollars is ten dollars."
One year Stumpy and Martha went to the fair and Stumpy said, "Martha, I'm 71 years old. If I don't ride that airplane this year I may never get another chance."
Martha replied, "Stumpy, that there airplane ride costs ten dollars, and ten dollars is ten dollars."
The pilot overheard them and said, "Folks, I'll make you a deal, I'll take you both up for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say one word, I won't charge you, but if you say one word it's ten dollars."
Stumpy and Martha agreed and up they went. The pilot did all kinds of twists and turns, rolls and dives, but not a word was heard. He did all his tricks over again, but still not a word. They landed and the pilot turned to Stumpy, "By golly, I did everything I could think of to get you to yell out, but you didn't."
Stumpy replied, "Well, I was gonna say something when Martha fell out, but ten dollars is ten dollars."
_____________________________
"I'm blessed, I must confess
My heart is pounding in my chest
Cause this love's the best
I'm just a love addict"
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RE: Hey! I've got a joke. : ) - 5/13/2008 10:23:02 AM
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Biblefreak
Posts: 818
Joined: 8/10/2006
From: the spirit of God
Status: offline
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Most people don't know that back in 1912, Hellmann's
> mayonnaise
> was manufactured in England In fact, the Titanic was
> carrying 12,000
> jars of the condiment scheduled for delivery in Vera Cruz,
> Mexico ,
> which was to be the next port of call for the great ship
> after its stop
> in New York
>
> This would have been the largest single shipment of
> mayonnaise
> ever delivered to Mexico But as we know, the great ship
> did not make
> it to New York . The ship hit an iceberg and sank, and the
> cargo was
> forever lost.
>
> The people of Mexico , who were crazy about mayonnaise, and
> were
> eagerly awaiting its delivery, were disconsolate at the
> loss. Their
> anguish was so great, that they declared a National Day of
> Mourning,
> which they still observe to this day.
>
> The National Day of Mourning occurs each year on May 5th
> and is
> known, of course, as Sinko De Mayo.
_____________________________
"I'm blessed, I must confess
My heart is pounding in my chest
Cause this love's the best
I'm just a love addict"
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RE: Hey! I've got a joke. : ) - 5/13/2008 10:26:29 AM
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Biblefreak
Posts: 818
Joined: 8/10/2006
From: the spirit of God
Status: offline
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Two construction workers, Frank and Jim, were in the field on an
extremely hot day working. Frank points to the supervisor and says to the Jim, "Hey! How come we do all the work and he gets all the money?"
Jim says, "I don't know, go ask him."
So the Frank goes up to the supervisor and says "Hey, how come
we do all the work and you get all the money?"
The supervisor says "Intelligence".
"What is intelligence?" came the reply.
The supervisor puts his hand on a tree and says "Hit my
hand as hard as you can!"
Frank winds up and with all his might tries to hit the
supervisors hand. Just as he almost does, the supervisor
pulls his hand away and the worker hits the tree! The supervisor
says "That's intelligence".
Still smarting Frank goes back to his co-worker and his
co-worker says "Hey what did he say?"
With a superior look on his face Frank puts his hand on his
face and says "Hit my hand as hard as you can. . ."
_____________________________
"I'm blessed, I must confess
My heart is pounding in my chest
Cause this love's the best
I'm just a love addict"
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RE: Hey! I've got a joke. : ) - 5/13/2008 10:41:19 AM
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Biblefreak
Posts: 818
Joined: 8/10/2006
From: the spirit of God
Status: offline
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A guy walks past a mental hospital and hears a moaning voice, "13.......13.......13.........13".
The man looked over to the hospital and saw a hole in the wall, he looked through the hole and gets poked in the eye.
The moaning voice then groaned, "14.........14.........14.......14."
_____________________________
"I'm blessed, I must confess
My heart is pounding in my chest
Cause this love's the best
I'm just a love addict"
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RE: Hey! I've got a joke. : ) - 5/13/2008 10:51:24 AM
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Biblefreak
Posts: 818
Joined: 8/10/2006
From: the spirit of God
Status: offline
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A sixth grade class is doing some spelling drills.
The teacher asks Tommy if he can spell 'before.'
He stands up and says, "Before, B-E-P-H-O-R."
The teacher says, "No, that's wrong. Can anyone else spell before?"
Another little boy stands up and says, "Before, B-E-F-O-O-R."
Again the teacher says, "No, that's wrong."
The teacher asks, "Little Johnny, can you spell 'before'?"
Little Johnny stands up and says, "Before, B-E-F-O-R-E."
"Excellent Johnny, now can you use it in a sentence?"
Little Johnny says, "That's easy. Two plus two be fore."
_____________________________
"I'm blessed, I must confess
My heart is pounding in my chest
Cause this love's the best
I'm just a love addict"
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RE: Hey! I've got a joke. : ) - 5/13/2008 10:53:26 AM
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mutinywxgirl
Posts: 13077
Joined: 4/29/2005
From: west coast of FL
Status: offline
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BF - those are great! LOLOL
_____________________________
When blood and water hit the ground.
Walls we couldn't move came crashing down.
We were free and made alive.
The day true love died. The day true love died.
THE ROWDIES ARE BACK!!!!!!!
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RE: Hey! I've got a joke. : ) - 5/13/2008 10:55:14 AM
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Biblefreak
Posts: 818
Joined: 8/10/2006
From: the spirit of God
Status: offline
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A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest. After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said, "I'm so sorry, your Duck Cuddles has passed away."
The distressed owner wailed, "Are you sure?
"Yes, I am sure. The duck is dead," he replied.
"How can you be so sure," she protested. "I mean, you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."
The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room, and returned a few moments later with a black Labrador retriever.
As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.
The vet patted the dog and took it out, and returned a few moments later with a cat. The cat jumped up on the table and also sniffed delicately at the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.
The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."
Then the vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman. The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill.
"$150!" she cried, "$150 just to tell me my duck is dead!!"
The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry, but if you'd taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now $150.0
_____________________________
"I'm blessed, I must confess
My heart is pounding in my chest
Cause this love's the best
I'm just a love addict"
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RE: Hey! I've got a joke. : ) - 5/13/2008 11:01:39 AM
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Biblefreak
Posts: 818
Joined: 8/10/2006
From: the spirit of God
Status: offline
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Advice from children ...
1. Never trust a dog to watch your food. - Patrick, age 10
2. When your dad is mad and asks you, "Do I look stupid?" don't answer him. - Michael, 14
3. Never tell your mom her diet's not working. - Michael, 14
4. Stay away from prunes. - Randy, 9
5. Never pee on an electric fence. - Robert, 13
6. Don't squat with your spurs on. - Noronha, 13
7. Don't pull dad's finger when he tells you to. - Emily, 10
8. When your mom is mad at your dad, don't let her brush your hair. - Taylia, 11
9. Never allow your three-year old brother in the same room as your school assignment. - Traci, 14
10. Never hold a dust buster and a cat at the same time. - Kyoyo, 9
11. You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk. - Armir, 9
12. Felt markers are not good to use as lipstick. - Lauren, 9
13. Don't pick on your sister when she's holding a baseball bat. - Joel, 10
14. When you get a bad grade in school, show it to your mom when she's on the phone. - Alyesha, 13
15. Never try to baptize a cat. - Eileen, 8
_____________________________
"I'm blessed, I must confess
My heart is pounding in my chest
Cause this love's the best
I'm just a love addict"
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RE: Hey! I've got a joke. : ) - 5/13/2008 11:05:06 AM
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Biblefreak
Posts: 818
Joined: 8/10/2006
From: the spirit of God
Status: offline
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A doctor at an insane asylum decided to take his patients to a baseball game.
For weeks in advance, he coached his patients to respond to his commands.
When the day of the game arrived, everything seemed to be going well. As the National Anthem started.......the doctor yelled, "Up Nuts" And the patients complied by standing up.
After the anthem ...he yelled, "Down Nuts". And they all sat back down in their seats.
After a home run was hit, the doctor yelled, "Cheer Nuts". They all brokeout into applause and cheered.
When the umpire made a particularly bad call against the star of the home team, the Doctor yelled, "Booooo Nuts!!!" and they all started booing and cat calling.
Thinking things were going very well. The doctor decided to go get a beer and a hot dog, leaving his assistant in charge.
When he returned, there was a riot in progress. Finding his assistant, the doctor asked," What in the world happened? "
The assistant replied, "Well, everything was going just fine till a vendor passed by and yelled PEANUTS!"
_____________________________
"I'm blessed, I must confess
My heart is pounding in my chest
Cause this love's the best
I'm just a love addict"
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RE: Hey! I've got a joke. : ) - 5/13/2008 11:18:02 AM
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Biblefreak
Posts: 818
Joined: 8/10/2006
From: the spirit of God
Status: offline
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2 canibals are eating a clown, 1 canibal turns to the other and says "does this taste funny to you?"
_____________________________
"I'm blessed, I must confess
My heart is pounding in my chest
Cause this love's the best
I'm just a love addict"
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RE: Hey! I've got a joke. : ) - 5/13/2008 11:46:57 AM
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John_O
Posts: 6950
Joined: 9/5/2006
Status: offline
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quote:
ORIGINAL: Biblefreak
The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry, but if you'd taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now $150.0
beautiful. Absolutely beautiful.
_____________________________
Psalms 46:10 Be still, and know that I am God: I will be exalted among the heathen, I will be exalted in the earth.
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RE: Hey! I've got a joke. : ) - 5/13/2008 3:40:22 PM
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Biblefreak
Posts: 818
Joined: 8/10/2006
From: the spirit of God
Status: offline
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As Claude went to the front of the meeting room, he announced, 'Unlike most hypnotists who invite two or three people up here to be put into a trance, I intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience.'
The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful antique pocket watch from his coat.
'I want you each to keep your eye on this antique watch. It's a very special watch. It's been in my family for six generations.'
He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting, 'Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch ...'
The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming off its polished surface.
Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch, until, suddenly, it slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and fell to the floor, breaking into a hundred pieces.
'****,' said the Hypnotist.
It took three days to clean up the senior center.
_____________________________
"I'm blessed, I must confess
My heart is pounding in my chest
Cause this love's the best
I'm just a love addict"
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