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RE: Hey! I've got a joke. : ) - 5/14/2008 2:11:44 PM
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John_O
Posts: 6949
Joined: 9/5/2006
Status: offline
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One day the only survivor of a shipwreck was washed up on a small, uninhabited island. He prayed feverishly for God to rescue him. Every day he scanned the horizon for help, but none seemed forthcoming.
Exhausted, he eventually managed to build a little hut out of driftwood to protect him from the elements, and to store his few possessions. One day, after scavenging for food, he arrived home to find his little hut in flames, with smoke rolling up to the sky. He felt the worst had happened, and everything was lost. He was stunned with disbelief, grief, and anger. He cried out, "God! How could you do this to me?"
Early the next day, he was awakened by the sound of a ship approaching the island! It had come to rescue him! "How did you know I was here?" asked the weary man of his rescuers. We saw your smoke signal," they replied.
The Moral of this Story:
It's easy to get discouraged when things are going bad, but we shouldn't lose heart, because God is at work in our lives, even in the midst of our pain and suffering. Remember that the next time your little hut seems to be burning to the ground...... it just may be a smoke signal that summons the Grace of God.
I know this feeling...how about you?
I try to remember that I see only what is in front of me,
but God sees the entire picture.
_____________________________
Psalms 46:10 Be still, and know that I am God: I will be exalted among the heathen, I will be exalted in the earth.
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RE: Hey! I've got a joke. : ) - 5/15/2008 12:13:21 AM
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kj88il
Posts: 1362
Joined: 3/3/2008
From: IL (NW Central)
Status: online
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belated (since i was on the road) mother's day funny...
> > 25 REASONS I LOVE MY MOTHER
> >
> > 1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE .
> > 'If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished
> cleaning.'
> >
> > 2. My mother taught me RELIGION.
> > 'You better pray that will come out of your clothes.'
> >
> > 3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL .
> > 'If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of
> next week!'
> >
> > 4. My mother taught me LOGIC.
> > ' Because I said so, that's why.'
> >
> > 5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC.
> > 'If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to
> the store with me.'
> >
> > 6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT.
> > 'Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident.'
> >
> > 7. My mother taught me IRONY
> > 'Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about.'
> >
> > 8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS.
> > 'Shut your mouth and eat your supper.'
> >
> > 9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM.
> > 'Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!'
> >
> > 10. My mother taught me about STAMINA .
> > 'You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone.'
> >
> > 11. My mother taught me about WEATHER.
> > 'This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it.'
> >
> > 12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY.
> > 'If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!'
> >
> > 13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE.
> > 'I brought you into this world, and I can take you out.'
> >
> > 14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOUR MODIFICATION.
> > 'Stop acting like your father!'
> >
> > 15. My mother taught me about ENVY .
> > 'There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't
> have wonderful parents like you do.'
> >
> > 16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION.
> > 'Just wait until we get home.'
> >
> > 17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING .
> > 'You are going to get it when you get home!'
> >
> > 18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE.
> > 'If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to freeze that
> way.'
> >
> > 19. My mother taught me ESP.
> > 'Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?'
> >
> > 20. My mother taught me HUMOR.
> > 'When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me.'
> >
> > 21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT .
> > 'If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up.'
> >
> > 22. My mother taught me GENETICS.
> > 'You're just like your father.'
> >
> > 23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS.
> > 'Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?'
> >
> > 24. My mother taught me WISDOM.
> > 'When you get to be my age, you'll understand.'
> >
> > 25. And my favorite: My mother taught me about JUSTICE
> > 'One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you !'
_____________________________
Kimberly
Shifing Gears With Kimberly
Prov 27:19 As water reflects a face, so a man's heart reflects the man.
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RE: Hey! I've got a joke. : ) - 5/15/2008 12:19:44 AM
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Prairiehiker
Posts: 840
Joined: 12/11/2007
Status: offline
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quote:
ORIGINAL: John_O
One day the only survivor of a shipwreck was washed up on a small, uninhabited island. He prayed feverishly for God to rescue him. Every day he scanned the horizon for help, but none seemed forthcoming.
Exhausted, he eventually managed to build a little hut out of driftwood to protect him from the elements, and to store his few possessions. One day, after scavenging for food, he arrived home to find his little hut in flames, with smoke rolling up to the sky. He felt the worst had happened, and everything was lost. He was stunned with disbelief, grief, and anger. He cried out, "God! How could you do this to me?"
Early the next day, he was awakened by the sound of a ship approaching the island! It had come to rescue him! "How did you know I was here?" asked the weary man of his rescuers. We saw your smoke signal," they replied.
The Moral of this Story:
It's easy to get discouraged when things are going bad, but we shouldn't lose heart, because God is at work in our lives, even in the midst of our pain and suffering. Remember that the next time your little hut seems to be burning to the ground...... it just may be a smoke signal that summons the Grace of God.
I know this feeling...how about you?
I try to remember that I see only what is in front of me,
but God sees the entire picture.
Thanks for posting this. I really need the encouragement.
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RE: Hey! I've got a joke. : ) - 5/15/2008 1:01:43 AM
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kj88il
Posts: 1362
Joined: 3/3/2008
From: IL (NW Central)
Status: online
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HOW FAR IS THE MOON?
Two blondes were sitting on a bench talking, and one blonde says to the other, "Which do you think is farther away... Florida, or the moon?"
The other blonde turns and says, "Helloooooooooo, can you see Florida?????"
_____________________________
Kimberly
Shifing Gears With Kimberly
Prov 27:19 As water reflects a face, so a man's heart reflects the man.
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RE: Hey! I've got a joke. : ) - 5/15/2008 1:02:54 AM
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kj88il
Posts: 1362
Joined: 3/3/2008
From: IL (NW Central)
Status: online
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RIVER WALK
There's this blonde out for a walk. She comes to a river and sees another blonde on the opposite bank. "Yoo-hoo!" she shouts, "How can I get to the other side?"
The second blonde looks up the river, then down the river, and shouts back, "You ARE on the other side!"
_____________________________
Kimberly
Shifing Gears With Kimberly
Prov 27:19 As water reflects a face, so a man's heart reflects the man.
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RE: Hey! I've got a joke. : ) - 5/15/2008 1:04:22 AM
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kj88il
Posts: 1362
Joined: 3/3/2008
From: IL (NW Central)
Status: online
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AT THE DOCTORS OFFICE
A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and said that her body hurt wherever she touched it. "Impossible!" says the doctor. "Show me."
The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left shoulder and screamed. Then she pushed her elbow and screamed even more. She pushed her knee and screamed; likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed. Everywhere she touched made her scream.
The doctor said, "You're not really a redhead, are you? "Well, no" she said, "I'm actually a blonde."
"I thought so," the doctor said. "Your finger is broken."
_____________________________
Kimberly
Shifing Gears With Kimberly
Prov 27:19 As water reflects a face, so a man's heart reflects the man.
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RE: Hey! I've got a joke. : ) - 5/15/2008 1:05:54 AM
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kj88il
Posts: 1362
Joined: 3/3/2008
From: IL (NW Central)
Status: online
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BLONDE ON THE SUN
A Russian, an American, and a blonde were talking one day. The Russian said, "We were the first in space!" The American said, "We were the first on the moon!" The Blonde said, "So what? We're going to be the first on the sun!"
The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their heads. "You can't land on the sun, you idiot! You'll burn up!" said the Russian.
To which the Blonde replied, "Duh...we're not stupid, you know. We're going at night!"
_____________________________
Kimberly
Shifing Gears With Kimberly
Prov 27:19 As water reflects a face, so a man's heart reflects the man.
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RE: Hey! I've got a joke. : ) - 5/15/2008 1:06:54 AM
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kj88il
Posts: 1362
Joined: 3/3/2008
From: IL (NW Central)
Status: online
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IN A VACUUM
A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was her turn. She rolled the dice and she landed on Science & Nature. Her question was, "If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?"
She thought for a time and then asked, "Is it on, or off?"
_____________________________
Kimberly
Shifing Gears With Kimberly
Prov 27:19 As water reflects a face, so a man's heart reflects the man.
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RE: Hey! I've got a joke. : ) - 5/15/2008 1:08:47 AM
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kj88il
Posts: 1362
Joined: 3/3/2008
From: IL (NW Central)
Status: online
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A BLONDE AND HER DOGS
A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names were. The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex, and one was named Timex.
Her friend said, "Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?"
"HELLLOOOOOOO......," answered the blonde. "They're watch dogs!"
_____________________________
Kimberly
Shifing Gears With Kimberly
Prov 27:19 As water reflects a face, so a man's heart reflects the man.
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RE: Hey! I've got a joke. : ) - 5/15/2008 2:20:10 AM
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kj88il
Posts: 1362
Joined: 3/3/2008
From: IL (NW Central)
Status: online
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HUMOR FOR LEXOPHILES
I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.
Police were called to a day care where a 3-yr-old was resisting a rest.
Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now.
The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference.
To write with a broken pencil is pointless.
When fish are in schools, they sometimes take debate.
The short fortune teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
A thief who stole a calendar got 12 months.
A thief fell & broke his leg in wet cement. He became a hardened criminal.
When the smog lifts in Los Angeles, U.C.L.A.
The dead batteries were given out free of charge.
A dentist & a manicurist fought tooth and nail.
A bicycle can't stand alone; it is two tired.
A will is a dead giveaway.
Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.
A backward poet writes inverse.
In a democracy it's your vote that counts; in feudalism, it's your Count that votes.
A chicken crossing the road: poultry in motion.
If you don't pay your exorcist you can get repossessed.
Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft & I'll show you A-flat miner.
The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine was fully recovered.
A grenade fell onto a kitchen floor in France, resulted in Linoleum Blownapart.
You are stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.
A calendar's days are numbered.
A lot of money is tainted: 'Taint yours, and 'taint mine.
A boiled egg is hard to beat.
He had a photographic memory which was never developed.
Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
When you've seen one shopping center, you've seen a mall.
When she saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she'd dye.
Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.
Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.
Acupuncture: a jab well done.
_____________________________
Kimberly
Shifing Gears With Kimberly
Prov 27:19 As water reflects a face, so a man's heart reflects the man.
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RE: Hey! I've got a joke. : ) - 5/15/2008 8:35:52 AM
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John_O
Posts: 6949
Joined: 9/5/2006
Status: offline
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My uncle, the optometrist, fell into his lens grinder and made a spectacle of himself
Kimberly. Loved the blond jokes. Especially the "other side" one!
_____________________________
Psalms 46:10 Be still, and know that I am God: I will be exalted among the heathen, I will be exalted in the earth.
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RE: Hey! I've got a joke. : ) - 5/15/2008 11:44:15 AM
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Psalms274
Posts: 705
Joined: 8/13/2005
From: Georgia
Status: offline
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I found a cute one ...
A father was at the beach with his children when his four-year-old son ran up to him, grabbed his hand, and led him to the shore, where a seagull lay dead in the sand.
"Daddy, what happened to him?" the son asked.
"He died and went to Heaven," his dad replied.
The boy thought a moment and then said, "Did God throw him back down?"
_____________________________
I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the saints, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ.
< Linus w/ a friends baby!
http://piswa.blogspot.com/
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RE: Hey! I've got a joke. : ) - 5/15/2008 12:39:00 PM
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.Pammy
Posts: 4018
Joined: 4/11/2005
From: Mechanicsburg, PA, USA
Status: offline
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A rolled up newspaper can be an effective pet training tool when used properly.
For instance, use the rolled-up newspaper if your dog chews up something inappropriate or has a housebreaking accident. Bring the dog over to the destroyed object (or mess), then take the rolled-up newspaper and hit yourself over the head as you repeat the phrase, "I forgot to watch my dog! I forgot to watch my dog!"
_____________________________
Pam
<< my mother
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RE: Hey! I've got a joke. : ) - 5/15/2008 9:56:10 PM
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shemaromans
Posts: 3853
Joined: 3/30/2007
Status: offline
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quote:
My uncle, the optometrist, fell into his lens grinder and made a spectacle of himself
LOLOL! Most excellent!
_____________________________
"But as for me, it is good to be near God." Psalm 73:28
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RE: Hey! I've got a joke. : ) - 5/16/2008 9:48:06 AM
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JustJeannie
Posts: 1999
Joined: 6/14/2007
From: the state of confusion
Status: offline
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"I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers."--A Bit of Fry and Laurie
_____________________________
Jeannie
"You're weird! But, I love You!" --my daughter to me when I was singing and dancing around the house...
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RE: Hey! I've got a joke. : ) - 5/16/2008 11:13:04 PM
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kj88il
Posts: 1362
Joined: 3/3/2008
From: IL (NW Central)
Status: online
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A husband is someone who, after taking the trash out, gives the impression that he just cleaned the whole house.
The only time the world beats a path to your door is if you're in the bathroom.
My mind works like lightning. One brilliant flash and it's gone.
_____________________________
Kimberly
Shifing Gears With Kimberly
Prov 27:19 As water reflects a face, so a man's heart reflects the man.
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RE: Hey! I've got a joke. : ) - 5/19/2008 1:03:59 AM
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Focusing
Posts: 5251
Joined: 5/19/2007
Status: offline
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A blonde, wanting to earn some extra money decided to hire herself out as a handywoman and started canvassing the neighborhoods. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do.
'Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint my porch,' he said. 'How much will you charge me?'
The blonde quickly responded, 'How about $50?'
The man agreed and told her that the paint and everything she would need was in the garage.
The man's wife, hearing the conversation, said to her husband, 'Does she realize that our porch goes all the way around the house?'
He responded, 'That's a bit cynical, isn't it?'
The wife replied, 'You're right. I guess I'm starting to believe all those dumb blonde jokes .'
A short time later, the blonde handywoman came to the door to collect her money. 'You finished already?' the husband asked.
'Yes,' the blonde replied, 'and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats - no extra charge.'
Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $50 and handed it to her.
'And by the way,' the blonde added ... 'it's not a Porch -- it's a Lexus.'
_____________________________
Sam
The LORD is my rock and my fortress and my deliverer, my God, my rock, in whom I take refuge; my shield and the horn of my salvation, my stronghold. Psalm 18:2
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RE: Hey! I've got a joke. : ) - 5/19/2008 1:26:22 AM
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benelchi
Posts: 1794
Joined: 9/14/2007
From: California
Status: offline
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A contractor was discussing colors with a woman before painting the inside of her home.
They began with the kitchen and the woman said she wanted it to be painted bright yellow with a glossy coat that would be easy to clean up. The contractor wrote some notes in his notebook and then opened a window and yelled "Green side up!"; the woman look a little confused.
They then proceeded to the living room where the woman decide that she would like a very pale pink, and the contractor again made some notes in his notebook and proceeded to open the window and yell "Green side up!". Again the woman was a bit confused, but ignored the temptation to ask questions.
Now in her boys bedroom, she asked that the room be painted dark blue and include trim with cars on it. The contractor again made the notes in his notebook, and walked again to the window, opened and yelled "Green side up!", at this the woman could no longer contain her curiosity and asked the contractor why he yelled "Green side up!" out the window every time they had discussed the color of a room. Slightly embarrassed the contractor explained that it had nothing to do with the room color; he had hired some blonds to lay sod on the property across the street.
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RE: Hey! I've got a joke. : ) - 5/19/2008 1:46:11 AM
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benelchi
Posts: 1794
Joined: 9/14/2007
From: California
Status: offline
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A blind man walks into a bar and begins a conversation with the bartender. At some point during the conversation he asks the bartender if he would like to hear a blond joke. The bartend responds by explaining that the man on his left is a professional wrestler and he is blond, the woman on his right is an expert in karate and she his blond, and that he himself is blond too. He then asks the blind man if he really wants to tell that blond joke? The blind man says No, not really, I wouldn't want to have to explain it three times!!!
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RE: Hey! I've got a joke. : ) - 5/19/2008 8:53:43 AM
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John_O
Posts: 6949
Joined: 9/5/2006
Status: offline
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ALbert or Marilyn? Squint your eyes to be sure
_____________________________
Psalms 46:10 Be still, and know that I am God: I will be exalted among the heathen, I will be exalted in the earth.
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