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RE: Hey! I've got a joke. : ) - 5/21/2008 12:02:06 PM
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Biblefreak
Posts: 701
Joined: 8/10/2006
From: the spirit of God
Status: offline
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A wealthy man decided to go on a safari in Africa. He took his
faithful pet dog along for company. One day the dog starts chasing
butterflies and before long he discovered he was lost. Wandering about
he noticed a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the obvious
intention of having lunch. The dog thought, "Oh boy, I'm in deep doo-doo
now."
Then he noticed some bones on the ground close by, and immediately
settled down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat.
Just as the leopard was about to leap, the dog exclaimed loudly, "Man,
that was one delicious leopard. I wonder if there are any more around
here?" Hearing this the leopard halted his attack in mid stride, as a
look of terror came over him, and slinked his way into the trees.
"Whew", said the leopard. "That was close. That dog nearly had me."
Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby
tree, figured he could put this knowledge to good use and trade it for
protection from the leopard. So, off he went. But the dog saw him
heading after the leopard with great speed, and figured that something
must be up. The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spilled the
beans and struck a deal for himself with the leopard. The cat was
furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here monkey, hop on my back
and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine."
The dog saw the leopard coming with the monkey on his back, and thought,
"What am I going to do now?" But instead of running, the dog sat down
with his back to his attackers pretending he hadn't seen them yet. Just
when they got close enough to hear, the dog said, "Where's that monkey.
I can never trust him. I sent him off half an hour ago to bring me
another leopard, and he's still not back yet!!"
_____________________________
"I'm blessed, I must confess
My heart is pounding in my chest
Cause this love's the best
I'm just a love addict"
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RE: Hey! I've got a joke. : ) - 5/21/2008 12:03:48 PM
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Biblefreak
Posts: 701
Joined: 8/10/2006
From: the spirit of God
Status: offline
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I was wondering why the frisbee was getting bigger and bigger. And then it hit me.
_____________________________
"I'm blessed, I must confess
My heart is pounding in my chest
Cause this love's the best
I'm just a love addict"
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RE: Hey! I've got a joke. : ) - 5/21/2008 12:06:02 PM
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Biblefreak
Posts: 701
Joined: 8/10/2006
From: the spirit of God
Status: offline
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The owner of this drug store walks in to find a guy leaning heavily against a wall. The owner asks the clerk: "What's with the guy over there by the wall?"
The clerk responds: "Well, he came in here this morning to get something for his cough. I couldn't find the cough syrup, so I gave him an entire bottle of laxative".
The owner, wide eyed and excited shouts: "You idiot! You can't treat a cough with a bottle of laxatives".
The clerk calmly responds: "Of course you can, look at him, he's afraid to cough."
_____________________________
"I'm blessed, I must confess
My heart is pounding in my chest
Cause this love's the best
I'm just a love addict"
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RE: Hey! I've got a joke. : ) - 5/21/2008 12:07:50 PM
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Biblefreak
Posts: 701
Joined: 8/10/2006
From: the spirit of God
Status: offline
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Did you hear about the butcher who accidentally backed into a grinder and got behind in his work?
_____________________________
"I'm blessed, I must confess
My heart is pounding in my chest
Cause this love's the best
I'm just a love addict"
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RE: Hey! I've got a joke. : ) - 5/21/2008 12:09:24 PM
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Biblefreak
Posts: 701
Joined: 8/10/2006
From: the spirit of God
Status: offline
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I urgently needed a few days off work, but I knew the Boss would not allow me to take a leave. I thought that maybe if I acted "crazy" then he would tell me to take a few days off. So I hung upside down from the ceiling and made funny noises.
My coworker (who's blonde) asked me what I was doing? I told her that I was pretending to be a light bulb so that the Boss would think I was "crazy" and give me a few days off.
A few minutes later the Boss came into the office and asked "What are you doing?" I told him I was a light bulb. He said "You are clearly stressed out. Go home and recuperate for a couple of days."
I jumped down and walked out of the office. When my co‑worker (the blonde) followed me, the Boss said to her, " And where do you think you're going?
She said, "I'm going home too, I can't work in the dark!"
_____________________________
"I'm blessed, I must confess
My heart is pounding in my chest
Cause this love's the best
I'm just a love addict"
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RE: Hey! I've got a joke. : ) - 5/21/2008 12:30:01 PM
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kj88il
Posts: 1531
Joined: 3/3/2008
From: IL (NW Central)
Status: offline
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quote:
ORIGINAL: Biblefreak
I urgently needed a few days off work, but I knew the Boss would not allow me to take a leave. I thought that maybe if I acted "crazy" then he would tell me to take a few days off. So I hung upside down from the ceiling and made funny noises.
My coworker (who's blonde) asked me what I was doing? I told her that I was pretending to be a light bulb so that the Boss would think I was "crazy" and give me a few days off.
A few minutes later the Boss came into the office and asked "What are you doing?" I told him I was a light bulb. He said "You are clearly stressed out. Go home and recuperate for a couple of days."
I jumped down and walked out of the office. When my co‑worker (the blonde) followed me, the Boss said to her, " And where do you think you're going?
She said, "I'm going home too, I can't work in the dark!"
love it!
_____________________________
Kimberly
Shifing Gears w/ Kimberly
Matt 11:29 "...for I am gentle & humble in heart, & you will find rest for your souls."
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RE: Hey! I've got a joke. : ) - 5/21/2008 2:24:24 PM
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John_O
Posts: 6947
Joined: 9/5/2006
Status: offline
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About 7:30 one fall night a man walks into a dentists office and starts walking around the waiting room.
The dentist, who's had a long hard day, comes out and asks the guy what he needs.
"I'm a moth" the guy says.
"I beg your pardon" replies the dentist.
"I said I'm a moth" the man says.
"I'm sorry sir but you need a psychiatrist. This is a dentist's office"
"I know that" the man says as he continues to walk around.
Puzzled, the dentist asks "So what did you come in here for?"
The man looks at him and says "The light was on"
_____________________________
Psalms 46:10 Be still, and know that I am God: I will be exalted among the heathen, I will be exalted in the earth.
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RE: Hey! I've got a joke. : ) - 5/21/2008 7:22:37 PM
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kj88il
Posts: 1531
Joined: 3/3/2008
From: IL (NW Central)
Status: offline
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A teacher was walking down the street when she was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless woman who asked her for a couple of dollars for dinner.
The teacher took out her billfold, extracted ten dollars, and asked, "If I give you this money, will you buy wine with it, instead of dinner?"
"No, ma'am, I stopped drinking years ago," the homeless woman replied.
"Will you use it to go shopping instead of buying food?" the teacher asked.
"No," I don't waste time shopping," the homeless woman said. "I need to spend all my time just trying to stay alive."
"Will you spend this at a beauty salon instead of for food?" the teacher asked.
"Are you serious?" laughed the homeless woman. "I haven't had my hair done in at least 20 years!"
"Well," said the teacher, "I'm not going to give you the money. Instead, I'm going to take you out to dinner with my husband and me tonight."
The homeless woman was astounded. "Won't your husband be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting."
The teacher replied, "That's okay. It's important for him to see what a woman looks like after she has given up shopping, hair appointments, and wine."
_____________________________
Kimberly
Shifing Gears w/ Kimberly
Matt 11:29 "...for I am gentle & humble in heart, & you will find rest for your souls."
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RE: Hey! I've got a joke. : ) - 5/21/2008 7:25:33 PM
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kj88il
Posts: 1531
Joined: 3/3/2008
From: IL (NW Central)
Status: offline
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An Italian Boy's Confession
Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose woman."
The priest asks, "Is that you, little Johnny Parisi?"
"Yes, Father, it is."
"And who was the woman you were with?"
"I can't tell you, Father, I don't want to ruin her reputation."
"Well, Johnny, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later, so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?"
"I cannot say."
"Was it Teresa Volpe?"
"I'll never tell."
"Was it Nina Capelli?"
"I'm sorry, but I cannot name her."
"Was it Cathy Piriano?"
"My lips are sealed."
"Was it Rosa Di Angelo, then?"
"Please, Father, I cannot tell you."
The priest sighs in frustration. "You're very tight lipped, Johnny Parisi, and I admire that. But you've sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. Now, you go and behave yourself."
Johnny walks back to his pew, and his friend Nino slides over and whispers, "What'd you get?"
"Four months vacation, and five good leads!!!!!!!!!!!"
_____________________________
Kimberly
Shifing Gears w/ Kimberly
Matt 11:29 "...for I am gentle & humble in heart, & you will find rest for your souls."
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RE: Hey! I've got a joke. : ) - 5/22/2008 6:28:48 AM
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AngelInWaiting1983
Posts: 6104
Joined: 6/8/2007
From: South Carolina
Status: online
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Betty and Barbie, two blonde sisters, had promised their uncle they would bury him at sea when he died. Their uncle had been a seafaring gentleman all his life and it was to be his final wish.
Of course, in due time, he did pass away and the two blondes kept their promise. They cast off from Fort Lauderdale with their uncle all stitched up in a burial bag and loaded onto his rowboat.
After rowing for quite some time, Betty says, 'Do you think we're out far enough?'
Barbie slips over the side and almost immediately says, 'No, this will never do -- the water is only up to my chest.'
So they row on some more, and Barbie slips over the side once again and disappears. Quite a bit of time goes by while Barbie is under water and poor Betty is really getting worried. Suddenly, Barbie breaks the surface, gasping for breath.
'Well, is it deep enough yet, Sis?' Betty inquires.
'Yes,finally! Hand me the shovel.'
_____________________________
Reflecting with Terri
"To love means loving the unlovable. To forgive means pardoning the unpardonable. Faith means believing the unbelievable. Hope means hoping when everything seems hopeless."
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RE: Hey! I've got a joke. : ) - 5/22/2008 8:36:20 AM
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JustJeannie
Posts: 2595
Joined: 6/14/2007
From: the state of confusion
Status: online
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ROFLMHO, Terri!!! I LOVE IT! Gotta tell my daughter that one. She actually won a mini talent show by telling blonde jokes (she's blonde) at a friends sleepover they had once. That was so funny!
_____________________________
Jeannie
"You're weird! But, I love You!" --my daughter to me when I was singing and dancing around the house...
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RE: Hey! I've got a joke. : ) - 5/22/2008 10:05:30 AM
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.Pammy
Posts: 4087
Joined: 4/11/2005
From: Mechanicsburg, PA, USA
Status: online
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A man pacing back and forth glanced at his watch and yelled upstairs to his wife, "Honey, are you ready yet? We're going to be late for the costume party."
Shouting back, the woman replies, "For crying out loud, Ed, I've been telling you for the last half hour that I'll be ready in a minute!"
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Pam
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RE: Hey! I've got a joke. : ) - 5/22/2008 11:52:14 AM
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Psalms274
Posts: 724
Joined: 8/13/2005
From: Georgia
Status: offline
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quote:
ORIGINAL: MyCatSmokey2006
How Smart Is Your Right Foot?
How Smart is Your Right Foot? Trust me, try this, it only takes a few seconds. This is so funny that it will boggle your mind. You'll keep trying it at least 50 more times to see if you can outsmart your foot. But you can't!!!
1. While sitting at your desk, lift your right foot off the floor and make clockwise circles with it.
2. Now, while doing this, draw the number "6" in the air with your right hand. Your foot will change direction!!!
I told you so and there is nothing you can do about it. 
Oh my golly!!! I can't do it!!!
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for the record, if anyone suggests I walk off a bridge or something silly like that (I know know one would ... but this is just for the record ...) I will not try that particular task! 
< Message edited by Psalms274 -- 5/22/2008 11:59:08 AM >
_____________________________
I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the saints, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ.
< Linus w/ a friends baby!
http://piswa.blogspot.com/
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RE: Hey! I've got a joke. : ) - 5/22/2008 1:32:24 PM
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John_O
Posts: 6947
Joined: 9/5/2006
Status: offline
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quote:
ORIGINAL: mmartiandt
It could have something to do with how I write my 6's though.
If you write the six from the top down (in a counter clockwise direction) your foot will change direction. If you right them from the inside out (clockwise) it will not. It's pretty cool.
_____________________________
Psalms 46:10 Be still, and know that I am God: I will be exalted among the heathen, I will be exalted in the earth.
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RE: Hey! I've got a joke. : ) - 5/25/2008 6:28:44 PM
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teaspoon61
Posts: 660
Joined: 5/11/2005
From: S.C.
Status: offline
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In keeping with the previous theme of blond jokes. . .
A small town sheriff was looking for a deputy, so a blonde went in to try out for the job.
"Okay, honey," the sheriff drawled, "What is 1 and 1?"
"Eleven," she replied.
The sheriff thought to himself, "That's not what I meant, but she's right." Then the sheriff asked, "What two days of the week start with the letter 'T'?".
"Today and Tomorrow," she replied.
He was again surprised that the blonde supplied a correct answer that he had never thought of himself. "Now, listen carefully, who killed Abraham Lincoln?", asked the sheriff.
The blonde looked a little surprised herself, then thought really hard for a minute and finally admitted, "I don't know."
The sheriff replied, "Well, why don't you go on and work on that one for a while?"
So, the blonde wandered over to the beauty parlor, where her buds were waiting to hear the results of the interview.
The blonde was overjoyed. "It went great! First day on the job and I'm already working on a murder case!"
_____________________________
<--- Lucky
Bloom where you are planted! 
We cannot control the outcome of our prayers, but in faith we can expect great things.
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RE: Hey! I've got a joke. : ) - 5/25/2008 8:32:36 PM
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John_O
Posts: 6947
Joined: 9/5/2006
Status: offline
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quote:
ORIGINAL: teaspoon61
Her girlfriend said, "Well, duhhhhhh! You need to roll up the windows first!"
LOL!!
I like this one.. Now where is there a blond to tell it to....
_____________________________
Psalms 46:10 Be still, and know that I am God: I will be exalted among the heathen, I will be exalted in the earth.
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RE: Hey! I've got a joke. : ) - 5/25/2008 11:54:36 PM
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John_O
Posts: 6947
Joined: 9/5/2006
Status: offline
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City Folk...
The Monday Afternoon Club, an organization of wealthy city women, met and decided that this month's outing was to be at a dairy farm. Most of them had lived in the city all their lives, and had never seen such a thing.
The day came, and the ladies filed into the rented bus which whisked them off to their destination. On the way, they watched out the windows as the city squalor turned into lovely, unpolluted countryside. After they arrived, they were greeted by the farmer who invited them to look him up should they have any questions.
Myrtle, after looking about and being amazed by what she saw, stepped into a building and viewed something she thought was quite remarkable. She saw the farmer walk by and hailed him--he sauntered in.
"Sir," she inquired, "Why doesn't this cow have any horns?"
The farmer cocked his head for a moment, then began in a patient tone:
"Well, ma'am, cattle can do a powerful lot of damage with horns. Sometimes we keep 'em trimmed down with a hacksaw. Other times we can fix up the young 'uns by puttin' a couple drops of acid where their horns would grow in, and that stops 'em cold. Still, there are some breeds of cattle that never grow horns.
But the reason this cow don't have no horns, ma'am, is 'cause it's a horse."
_____________________________
Psalms 46:10 Be still, and know that I am God: I will be exalted among the heathen, I will be exalted in the earth.
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RE: Hey! I've got a joke. : ) - 5/26/2008 7:26:16 AM
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.Pammy
Posts: 4087
Joined: 4/11/2005
From: Mechanicsburg, PA, USA
Status: online
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During my surgical residency I was called out of a sound sleep to the emergency room. Unshaven and with tousled hair, I showed up with an equally unpresentable medical student. In the ER we encountered the on-call medical resident and his student, both neatly attired in clean white lab coats.
The resident said to his student, "You can always tell the surgeons by their absolute disregard for appearance."
Two evenings later, I was at a banquet when called to the ER to suture a minor laceration.
I was stitching away -- wearing a tuxedo -- when I encountered that same medical resident. He looked at me, then said to his student, "Sure is sensitive to criticism, isn't he?"
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Pam
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