RE: How hard would you work at being what your spouse wanted you to be?
View related threads:
(in this forum
| in all forums)
|
Logged in as: Guest
|
|
Users viewing this topic:
none
|
|
Login  | |
|
RE: How hard would you work at being what your spouse w... - 12/20/2007 5:56:52 PM
|
|
|
joy2give2u
Posts: 4966
Joined: 9/19/2006
From: Indiana
Status: offline
|
quote:
They are working very hard to be Godly women and to prepare for marriage, if that's what God has in store for them. Like the rest of us women, they are bombarded day in and day out with images of what the world believes is attractive, then they come here to a Christian message board, where one might expect to find shelter from the storm...where one might expect to interact with other single people who put more emphasis on the person than the imperfect shell we are all housed in. Instead, they find that nope, it's impossible to measure up here either. Christian men are seemingly no better than non-Christian men. (There are a few exceptions who have the cajones to stand up for their Christian sisters, of course, like Benelchi has done.) It's sick, really. I am sorry the discussion here makes you sick Stellaluna but I still think if a thread such as this is causing such an reaction in someone to the degree they are hurt and upset there is a much greater issues in play in their lives then words written in a thread.....
I am one of the people who, according to what you wrote, should be hurt or offended by what is written. I am heavy, not near as in good of shape as I use to be, and am not physically beautiful to my standards at this time in my life.......but I don't take offense because I know nothing written is a rejection of me. I know I am to blame for my appearance and if I were a man I would not find myself attractive.....Thankfully my beauty is not limited to what I look like on the outside and I also know that much of what John o is saying is being misread and understood based on our own personal rejections...
quote:
he was confused why it would be an issue Because it is not an issue to him since he finds you attractive just as you are.........On the other hand I am sure there are certain physical characteristics your husband does not find attractive on a woman.......
quote:
He said, "Most guys think like John_O...until they mature and grow up...usually they're over that sort of thing by the time they're 30 unless they're really shallow." Not once have I read anything of John_O's which was an insult directed at any one person. It seems to me this statement is an insult. Is it? Does it do anything to help foster more communication and discussion on the topic?
_____________________________
God's Majesty seen through my eyes
|
|
|
|
|
RE: How hard would you work at being what your spouse w... - 12/20/2007 6:08:09 PM
|
|
|
CoeurdeLeon
Posts: 9035
Joined: 9/4/2005
From: Inside my head
Status: offline
|
quote:
I am sorry the discussion here makes you sick Stellaluna but I still think if a thread such as this is causing such an reaction in someone to the degree they are hurt and upset there is a much greater issues in play in their lives then words written in a thread.....
No, Joy, Stella said why it makes her sick
quote:
then they come here to a Christian message board, where one might expect to find shelter from the storm...where one might expect to interact with other single people who put more emphasis on the person than the imperfect shell we are all housed in. Instead, they find that nope, it's impossible to measure up here either.
There are so many guests and non-posting members who are reading here that it's very disturbing to think how much damage is being done.
_____________________________
It's the Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown!
9.7.08
|
|
|
|
RE: How hard would you work at being what your spouse w... - 12/20/2007 6:17:33 PM
|
|
|
joy2give2u
Posts: 4966
Joined: 9/19/2006
From: Indiana
Status: offline
|
quote:
There are so many guests and non-posting members who are reading here that it's very disturbing to think how much damage is being done. Maybe this is what I don't get.........what damage is being done?
Please note I am not trying to be offensive or uncaring........I really don't see how discussing this topic is harmful in itself? I do see how someone who has felt rejected over and over because of her weight might be hurt but if that is the case then isn't the thread a positive thing.......revealing an area in need of healing?
Secondly as a heavy woman, who use to be in shape, I do think women need to be aware weight plays a major role in whether a man finds you attractive or not. Acknowledging this gives a woman insight.....and hopefully leads her to ask herself some hard questions........
There is a thread which ask us why we are still single.......there is a whole range of answers but I can tell you why I am still single........because my weight make me unattractive to the type of man I am attractive too........So I have a choice I can either do something about it or I can continue to get hurt over and over when a man rejects me because of my weight.
The choice is mine.......
_____________________________
God's Majesty seen through my eyes
|
|
|
|
|
RE: How hard would you work at being what your spouse w... - 12/20/2007 6:22:27 PM
|
|
|
trainfan
Posts: 2656
Joined: 7/26/2007
From: neither here nor there
Status: offline
|
quote:
quote:
He said, "Most guys think like John_O...until they mature and grow up...usually they're over that sort of thing by the time they're 30 unless they're really shallow."
Not once have I read anything of John_O's which was an insult directed at any one person. It seems to me this statement is an insult. Is it?
Ditto Joy.
|
|
|
|
|
RE: How hard would you work at being what your spouse w... - 12/20/2007 6:33:49 PM
|
|
|
CoeurdeLeon
Posts: 9035
Joined: 9/4/2005
From: Inside my head
Status: offline
|
quote:
Maybe this is what I don't get.........what damage is being done?
You can't see how someone coming to a Christian forums, hoping to find people who look beyond the surface, and instead finding this thread could feel even more hopeless than they perhaps did before? What of the newly recovering anorexic whose balance is still precarious? What of the young woman who has lost a breast and her (long) hair to cancer? After all, no one has come around and said "hey, I dig fat chicks with short hair".
Not everyone has come to the same place you have, Joy. We should be mindful of those who are still influenced by the lies the world and Satan bombard them with.
_____________________________
It's the Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown!
9.7.08
|
|
|
|
|
RE: How hard would you work at being what your spouse w... - 12/20/2007 6:37:10 PM
|
|
|
trainfan
Posts: 2656
Joined: 7/26/2007
From: neither here nor there
Status: offline
|
quote:
I've also--GASP!!!--cut off all my hair since my wedding. I asked my husband if he was sorry I didn't ask him about it before I did it and he was confused why it would be an issue. I told him about this thread. I know he thinks differently about physical appearance. In fact, he told me he married me for the person I am, not because of what I looked like. He says physical change is expected and not that big a deal.
The bolded part is true the issue for me is women who deliberately hide things like I mentioned in my previous post. Lets say I meet a woman with blonde hair and that is very important to me (disclaimer, I personally don't care about hair color as long as it is natural looking) she knows this and after we get married she says oh by the way my real hair color is black and since we're married I not going to dye it anymore, that is deliberately being deceptive and the real issue is she hid it more than the hair color.
|
|
|
|
|
RE: How hard would you work at being what your spouse w... - 12/20/2007 6:45:04 PM
|
|
|
Psalms274
Posts: 980
Joined: 8/13/2005
From: Georgia
Status: offline
|
quote:
Maybe this is what I don't get.........what damage is being done?
There are many women in this world ... in our country in particular ... who are told, and believe that "who they are" is directly correlated to what they look like.
Here are some very sad statistics:
Over one person’s lifetime, at least 50,000 individuals will die as a direct result of their eating disorder.
Eating Disorders affect a large number of people in the United States. The statistics state that:
Approximately 7 million girls and women struggle with eating disorders.
Approximately 1 million boys and men struggle with eating disorders.
Unfortunately, the media pushes an unnatural body type, making it difficult for us to accept natural beauty:
The average American woman is 5’4” tall and weighs 140 pounds The average American model is 5’11” tall and weighs 117 pounds. Most fashion models are thinner than 98% of American women.
Children are influenced by their parents, peers and the media:
42% of elementary school students between the 1st and 3rd grades want to be thinner.
80% of children who are ten years old are afraid of being fat.
Calorie restriction and other diets are common:
25% of men and 45% of women are on a diet on any given day
.
80% of women are dissatisfied with their appearance.
51% of 9 and 10 year old girls feel better about themselves if they are on a diet.
35% of “normal dieters” progress to pathological dieting. Of those, 25% will progress to partial or full syndrome eating disorders.
91% of women recently surveyed on a college campus had attempted to control their weight through dieting, 22% dieted “often” or “always.”
Americans spend over $40 billion on dieting and diet related products each year
The diet industry is a 40 billion dollar industry. This figure is amazing considering 95% of all dieters will regain their lost weight within 1-5 years.
The sad truth is threads like this are being read by those who are struggling with these issues ... and the opinions of some are very hurtful ... only adding to the lie that the real you is tied to what you look like.
_____________________________
I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the saints, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ.
< Linus w/ a friends baby!
http://piswa.blogspot.com/
|
|
|
|
|
RE: How hard would you work at being what your spouse w... - 12/20/2007 7:21:28 PM
|
|
|
joy2give2u
Posts: 4966
Joined: 9/19/2006
From: Indiana
Status: offline
|
quote:
You can't see how someone coming to a Christian forums, hoping to find people who look beyond the surface, and instead finding this thread could feel even more hopeless I have been trying to answer this post for a while now......I type something and then delete........Not because I don't have anything to say but because I have too much to say.........How do you explain not seeing something you don't see.......I don't see hopelessness in this thread.......I see honesty. I see people being open and honest about what they think of the subject. I see diversity and different views of what it means to "work" at being what your spouse wants you to be......I see a Christian community being real.
quote:
We should be mindful of those who are still influenced by the lies the world and Satan bombard us with . I agree........that is why I will not sit back and pretend my physically appearance plays no role in whether a man finds me attractive or not.
I also am mindful too many women are hurt over and over because they take on the rejection of every man who does not find them attractive.....satan loves it when we allow ourselves to take on rejection.........What satan hates is when we acknowledge not every Christian man is going to find us attractive. 99% of the christian men out there may find me unattractive and that is fine........because God knows and is arranging for the one who will to cross my path........
The lie we shouldn't believe is that physical attraction plays no role in who we marry........Or the lie that we will never be rejected by a Christian because of our outer appearance...........We will..........
Let bombard people with the truth....Not all Christian men will find you attractive. No matter how beautiful your inside physical appearance plays a role in attractiveness (to different degrees depending on the person)
TRUTH........You will be attractive, no matter what you look like, to the one who's eyes have already seen your beauty in the seed of hope God has planted in him....This seed will open, when he first sees you, and as you begin to know each other it will grow and grow into a wonderful love........He will find you attractive and his love will make want to do the things possible to make you even more beautiful to him..
_____________________________
God's Majesty seen through my eyes
|
|
|
|
|
RE: How hard would you work at being what your spouse w... - 12/20/2007 7:50:32 PM
|
|
|
joy2give2u
Posts: 4966
Joined: 9/19/2006
From: Indiana
Status: offline
|
quote:
There are many women in this world ... in our country in particular ... who are told, and believe that "who they are" is directly correlated to what they look like. So your suggestion would be to lie and say what you look like plays no role in whether a man finds you attractive or not? To tell them that Christian men are blind to physical appearance and will only see your inner beauty?
No where in this thread has anyone said or implied that who we are is in direct correlation to what we look like..........The discussion is about our own willingness to do the work to try to please our husbands.......to be attractive to him.
quote:
The sad truth is threads like this are being read by those who are struggling with these issues ... and the opinions of some are very hurtful ... only adding to the lie that the real you is tied to what you look like.
Your statistics are sad but still don't explain why this thread would hurt someone.
Would you please give me an example of someone dealing with a disorder such as the ones you listed who you feel would be or has been hurt by the discussion in this thread and how they were hurt?
I don't understand your point Karen........you believe it would be better for people to believe what they look like plays no role in their attractiveness to the opposite sex?
IMHO I think people are using this thread to support personal agenda's and are putting a spin on it to paint the picture they wish to paint........which is completely different then the picture the OP started when he painted the outline.
_____________________________
God's Majesty seen through my eyes
|
|
|
|
|
RE: How hard would you work at being what your spouse w... - 12/20/2007 8:51:46 PM
|
|
|
WalkingwithHim2
Posts: 2436
Joined: 12/13/2007
Status: offline
|
What if I marry a clean shaven clean cut guy because I prefer clean shaven clean cut guys and then after the wedding my dear husband decides to try out the hippie look along with a santa claus beard? Will I love him any less.....absolutely NOT! Will I still prefer him to be clean cut and clean shaven....YES. Having a preference doesn't not mean that John will not love his wife any less if she cuts her hair or that she will in some way become ugly in his eyes, he just prefers long hair and there is nothing wrong with that.
|
|
|
|
|
RE: How hard would you work at being what your spouse w... - 12/20/2007 9:05:20 PM
|
|
|
CoeurdeLeon
Posts: 9035
Joined: 9/4/2005
From: Inside my head
Status: offline
|
quote:
I have been trying to answer this post for a while now......I type something and then delete........Not because I don't have anything to say but because I have too much to say.........How do you explain not seeing something you don't see
Joy, just because you, personally, don't see it doesn't mean it isn't there.
_____________________________
It's the Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown!
9.7.08
|
|
|
|
|
RE: How hard would you work at being what your spouse w... - 12/20/2007 9:08:57 PM
|
|
|
Elena1030
Posts: 545
Joined: 6/21/2006
From: Music City, USA
Status: offline
|
quote:
ORIGINAL: p31woman
Because he doesn't demand it, I want to be as attractive as possible for him and fulfill all his dreams. At the same time, I can rest securely in his love, knowing that those times when I won't look exactly how I did on our wedding day-- like when pregnant or 30 pounds heavier 2 months post-partum or when I have the flu or when I get a different haircut/color or when I'm 20 years older or when I'm cleaning out the garage or if (G-d forbid) I should get really ill or disfigured-- I can still count on his love and affection. And vice-versa.
Very well stated, p31woman!!
The part I've put in bold above is key to this wonderful situation, I believe. Reminded me of the Scripture about God's putting His child in a wide-open space: room (grace, freedom, etc.) to creatively love Him by doing what pleases Him.
If my husband's delight in me as a person and as a wife is conditional on my doing a set of behaviors, acts, what-have-you, then that's pretty shaky ground, in my view.
I want to do what pleases him, not because I don't want to disappoint him or make him unhappy but because I want him to be delighted...and it's a privilege to be involved in blessing he experiences.
So... to me, it's more about motive, motivation, perspective, and perception. Why you're doing it, what sparks you to do it, what your vantage point is, and how you interpret the communication going on...
Make sense?
I agree with whomever said it: the question probably could do with a bit of revising to get at the true crux of the query.
_____________________________
"We're not odd, we're just over-expressive."—Helen in Howard's End
|
|
|
|
|
RE: How hard would you work at being what your spouse w... - 12/20/2007 9:10:10 PM
|
|
|
John_O
Posts: 7684
Joined: 9/5/2006
Status: offline
|
quote:
ORIGINAL: joy2give2u
quote:
Does that mean you don't have to work to please him? You can just rest on your vows and state "He's got to love me for better por for worse no matter what I choose to do or how I choose to act"? Kind of selfish on your part isn't it? Wouldn't it be better to try to please him and have him try to please you, both doing it out of love? I will work to please him because I love him........just as I work to please my heavenly groom....the difference is I don't work to please the Lord so that he will be pleased with and love me more.......I already know he is and does.......I work because I know he is so pleased with me.......I work because he loves me so much.......I work because in his love I know I can be so much more then I am now.
Which is exactly how and why you should work to please your husband. Just as I've been saying for umpteen pages now and no one seems to be hearing. Apparently if their husband/wife would be pleased by them being in shape then their husband/wife loses all worthiness to be pleased (or at least that's how it's coming across to me.)
_____________________________
Resistance is futile (if less than .25 ohms)
Psalms 46:10 Be still, and know that I am God: I will be exalted among the heathen, I will be exalted in the earth.
|
|
|
|
|
RE: How hard would you work at being what your spouse w... - 12/20/2007 9:11:16 PM
|
|
|
John_O
Posts: 7684
Joined: 9/5/2006
Status: offline
|
quote:
ORIGINAL: benelchi
quote:
quote:
If he chose to shave his head without regard to your feelings on the matter how would you feel about it?
it's his head...he can shave it if it makes him happy.
me? i die my hair a different color every 3 or 4 months...it's my hair, i'll do with it what i want.
just like it's my body...it'll look the way that makes me happy. if he doesn't like it, and if he can't deal with it, he knows where the door is.
This may be the only point where I do agree John_O, but I do think it is important to take into considerations the feelings of our spouse on these issues because if you really are one in marriage then your body belongs as much to your spouse as it does to you.
Thank you. But some of the ladies will argue that "It's my body and I'll do with it what I want"
_____________________________
Resistance is futile (if less than .25 ohms)
Psalms 46:10 Be still, and know that I am God: I will be exalted among the heathen, I will be exalted in the earth.
|
|
|
|
|
RE: How hard would you work at being what your spouse w... - 12/20/2007 9:17:00 PM
|
|
|
WalkingwithHim2
Posts: 2436
Joined: 12/13/2007
Status: offline
|
Ok so if your husband is dead set against tatoos would you go and get one anyway just because it's your body?
|
|
|
|
|
RE: How hard would you work at being what your spouse w... - 12/20/2007 9:20:37 PM
|
|
|
John_O
Posts: 7684
Joined: 9/5/2006
Status: offline
|
quote:
ORIGINAL: stellaluna
Benelchi, thank you for your posts in this thread.
quote:
ORIGINAL: joy2give2u
quote:
I am seeing the same kind of hurt feelings occur here in this thread, and it makes me sad for the people receiving those comments, and for the ones making them. I probably tend to approach threads differently so I haven't noticed people getting hurt feelings but if this is true and people are taking the comments said here personally..... "receiving" the words as if spoken directly to them I would challenge those people to look at themselves and ask why?
Maybe the hurt is bringing up an issue or piece of baggage which needs to be brought before the Lord for healing.
I'll tell you why this thread raises my blood pressure...it's because there are many lovely, worthy, intelligent, valuable, single women who spend time in this folder. They are working very hard to be Godly women and to prepare for marriage, if that's what God has in store for them. Like the rest of us women, they are bombarded day in and day out with images of what the world believes is attractive, then they come here to a Christian message board, where one might expect to find shelter from the storm...where one might expect to interact with other single people who put more emphasis on the person than the imperfect shell we are all housed in. Instead, they find that nope, it's impossible to measure up here either. Christian men are seemingly no better than non-Christian men. (There are a few exceptions who have the cajones to stand up for their Christian sisters, of course, like Benelchi has done.) It's sick, really.
How, oh how, can people still be missing this? If the man marries you then he thinks you are beautiful just as you are. This is not about measuring up. You've just gotten married, you've already more than measured up. You are the most beautiful woman in his eyes. So beautiful that he has dedicated the rest of his life to pleasing you and making you happy.
So, how hard would you work to return the favor. No one has asked anyone to do anything that they have not already done. You already look like he wants you for crying out loud.
quote:
For the record, I am in very good physical condition. I try to eat well, I run and stay active. I'm on the thin side.
Wonderful, glad to hear it.
quote:
John_O (and others here) would write me off immediately because I have facial piercings and tattoos. So be it.
Which is perfectly OK. For you to have facial stuff and for us to write you off as a potential (assuming that you weren't already married of course). This is just God's filter in action. I'd not be a good match for you and you'd not be a good match for me. So as long as your husband doesn't mind them why should I care one way or the other.
quote:
I've also--GASP!!!--cut off all my hair since my wedding. I asked my husband if he was sorry I didn't ask him about it before I did it and he was confused why it would be an issue. I told him about this thread. I know he thinks differently about physical appearance. In fact, he told me he married me for the person I am, not because of what I looked like. He says physical change is expected and not that big a deal.
Wonderful. I'm pleased for you both.
quote:
So I asked him, "Do you think more guys think like you or do you think more guys think like John_O?" He said, "Most guys think like John_O...until they mature and grow up...usually they're over that sort of thing by the time they're 30 unless they're really shallow."
Actually he doesn't know how I think, all he can see are the misread and misreported statements on these few threads. The vast majority of men I've talked to (ranging in age from 20 to 70) on this issue want their wives to be beautiful to them. Why is that seen as such an evil thing? And why should it upset you (who are already married) anyway. You've got someone who fits you perfectly, why deny other people the same opportunity?
_____________________________
Resistance is futile (if less than .25 ohms)
Psalms 46:10 Be still, and know that I am God: I will be exalted among the heathen, I will be exalted in the earth.
|
|
|
|
|
RE: How hard would you work at being what your spouse w... - 12/20/2007 9:24:14 PM
|
|
|
John_O
Posts: 7684
Joined: 9/5/2006
Status: offline
|
quote:
ORIGINAL: joy2give2u
quote:
He said, "Most guys think like John_O...until they mature and grow up...usually they're over that sort of thing by the time they're 30 unless they're really shallow." Not once have I read anything of John_O's which was an insult directed at any one person. It seems to me this statement is an insult. Is it? Does it do anything to help foster more communication and discussion on the topic?
(happens all the time Joy. I try very hard to avoid attacking people but some folks don't put that amount of effort into it. It's OK. Maybe some things will percolate through to someone reading. If just one person tries a little harder to make their spouse happy then the entire thread is profit)
_____________________________
Resistance is futile (if less than .25 ohms)
Psalms 46:10 Be still, and know that I am God: I will be exalted among the heathen, I will be exalted in the earth.
|
|
|
|
|
RE: How hard would you work at being what your spouse w... - 12/20/2007 9:28:34 PM
|
|
|
WalkingwithHim2
Posts: 2436
Joined: 12/13/2007
Status: offline
|
This appears to be a very one-sided thread and it should be renamed "Let's bash John because he prefers his future wife have long hair!"
|
|
|
|
|
RE: How hard would you work at being what your spouse w... - 12/20/2007 9:31:02 PM
|
|
|
John_O
Posts: 7684
Joined: 9/5/2006
Status: offline
|
quote:
ORIGINAL: CoeurdeLeon
After all, no one has come around and said "hey, I dig fat chicks with short hair".
I know at least 6 men who do. just in this small area.
quote:
Not everyone has come to the same place you have, Joy. We should be mindful of those who are still influenced by the lies the world and Satan bombard them with.
No one has set any standard for beauty (on a general scale) in this thread. I have constantly said that every women is attractive to some man. Some men like smaller women some men like larger women. the important thing is for a woman (and man) to please their spouse once they are married. How hard would you work at it?
So many people have gotten tripped up over my preferences that they've missed the entire thread. WOULD YOU PLEASE YOUR HUSBAND AND HOW HARD WOULD YOU WORK AT IT?
Love in a marriage must be sacrificial. I laid down my life for M and would gladly do so again. Any thing she wanted me to do I at least tried (several of which were almost 180 degrees contrary to my nature) But for her I tried them. To make her happy. To be the man she married, and even more.
And I will be the same in my next marriage. Will you do the same for your spouses?
_____________________________
Resistance is futile (if less than .25 ohms)
Psalms 46:10 Be still, and know that I am God: I will be exalted among the heathen, I will be exalted in the earth.
|
|
|
|
|
RE: How hard would you work at being what your spouse w... - 12/20/2007 9:35:28 PM
|
|
|
BugLady
Posts: 2721
Joined: 12/5/2005
Status: offline
|
quote:
WOULD YOU PLEASE YOUR HUSBAND AND HOW HARD WOULD YOU WORK AT IT?
Call me crazy, but I'd like to believe pleasing my husband wouldn't be something I would have to work hard at.
_____________________________
• Human trafficking is the 3rd largest source of income for organized crime, generating $7 billion a year.
International Justice Mission
|
|
|
|
|
RE: How hard would you work at being what your spouse w... - 12/20/2007 9:36:46 PM
|
|
|
mutinywxgirl
Posts: 13131
Joined: 4/29/2005
From: west coast of FL
Status: offline
|
quote:
ORIGINAL: WalkingwithHim2
This appears to be a very one-sided thread and it should be renamed "Let's bash John because he prefers his future wife have long hair!"
Unfortunate, but true.
_____________________________
When blood and water hit the ground.
Walls we couldn't move came crashing down.
We were free and made alive.
The day true love died. The day true love died.
Lisa is happy THE ROWDIES ARE BACK!
|
|
|
|
|
Forum Tools
Printable Version
