RE: How hard would you work at being what your spouse wanted you to be?
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RE: How hard would you work at being what your spouse w... - 12/20/2007 9:37:22 PM
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John_O
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quote:
ORIGINAL: Psalms274
quote:
Maybe this is what I don't get.........what damage is being done?
There are many women in this world ... in our country in particular ... who are told, and believe that "who they are" is directly correlated to what they look like.
Here are some very sad statistics:
The sad truth is threads like this are being read by those who are struggling with these issues ... and the opinions of some are very hurtful ... only adding to the lie that the real you is tied to what you look like.
Useful statistics Psalms. Thank you.
Unfortunately they are not germaine to the topic of this thread.
Who you are is tied to what you look like. Face it we are joined to these bodies until we die. The point made in the thread though is to be who you are. Don't try to be someone (or some shape) that you are not just to catch a guy. You'll both end up miserable.
If you have a larger frame and you're trying to be a size 4 or less then you are never going to look good. If you manage to get there and catch a guy because of that then he is not the one you wanted anyway because he is not looking for you. He's looking for this lie you've been living behind.
The thrust of this thread is How hard would you work to be who your spouse wanted you to be, with the premise that men marry move-in-able. That is. on your wedding day is exactly the most beautiful image to your husband. No one is asking anyone to change from what they already are. If a woman is heavy on her wedding day then her husband wants her that way
_____________________________
Resistance is futile (if less than .25 ohms)
Psalms 46:10 Be still, and know that I am God: I will be exalted among the heathen, I will be exalted in the earth.
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RE: How hard would you work at being what your spouse w... - 12/20/2007 9:44:53 PM
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WalkingwithHim2
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I have a couple of friends that fit that. One will not date a woman whose pant size is smaller than a 12, the other won't date a girl if she is bigger than a size 5. So, to repeat what has been said here for 23 pages IT COMES DOWN TO PREFERENCE!
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RE: How hard would you work at being what your spouse w... - 12/20/2007 10:11:52 PM
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John_O
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quote:
ORIGINAL: BugLady
quote:
WOULD YOU PLEASE YOUR HUSBAND AND HOW HARD WOULD YOU WORK AT IT?
Call me crazy, but I'd like to believe pleasing my husband wouldn't be something I would have to work hard at.
I know. people trip over the word work. To me work is not a bad thing. I'm an engineer so it just means an expenditure of effort and has no negative connotation whatsoever.
So how much effort would you put into pleasing your spouse?
(Does that read better?)
_____________________________
Resistance is futile (if less than .25 ohms)
Psalms 46:10 Be still, and know that I am God: I will be exalted among the heathen, I will be exalted in the earth.
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RE: How hard would you work at being what your spouse w... - 12/20/2007 10:13:34 PM
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John_O
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quote:
ORIGINAL: WalkingwithHim2
Sure will John but he will have to accept me chubby, with tattoos and medium length hair. I can lose a little wait and grow my hair but there is not too much I can do about the tatoos. 
But when you meet him, and on your wedding day, he will see you, just as you, are as beautiful to him!
_____________________________
Resistance is futile (if less than .25 ohms)
Psalms 46:10 Be still, and know that I am God: I will be exalted among the heathen, I will be exalted in the earth.
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RE: How hard would you work at being what your spouse w... - 12/20/2007 10:16:51 PM
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makarizo
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This reminds me of a couple that went to my old church, a young couple. The wife was gorgeous,,,,,very very good looking, had a big heart, lots of faith, awesome testimony. the husband was brought up in a Christian home, he was a believer. After the 2nd pregnancy, she started having panic attacks....severe panic.
instead of becoming a safe person, instead of becoming a support, a listener, a strong soft voice, a prayer, a picker upper..... in the conditions she was in, it would have been a little bit of work......he took the long way home, avoided her, ignored the problem, insulted her when she didn't know how to get help, when she was hiding.
maybe I read John's question backwards. since we are stuck in the "Weight" thang..... if my spouse wanted to lose weight, I would become the best dietician, the best fitness instructer, the most dedicated workout partner, the best accountability partner, the best supporter, accepter, whatever the situation called for... maybe it would be hard work....BUT it would happen..... only because I am (would be) in love with her, no other reason than that.
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RE: How hard would you work at being what your spouse w... - 12/20/2007 10:21:16 PM
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AdrianaS
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quote:
ORIGINAL: joy2give2u
TRUTH........You will be attractive, no matter what you look like, to the one who's eyes have already seen your beauty in the seed of hope God has planted in him....This seed will open, when he first sees you, and as you begin to know each other it will grow and grow into a wonderful love........He will find you attractive and his love will make want to do the things possible to make you even more beautiful to him..
I do strongly agree with all you have been saying Joy and unfortunatly many times some women because of deep issues going on inside themselves, not dealth, healed, faced etc etc ..when this beautiful thing happens and the men in their lives feel this way somehow they do not believe it anyways. Many men find the love of their lives beautiful as many men are not into details of perfectionism many women are in so hard into themselves...is kind they will not allow themselves to see the image they reflect in the mirror as they see it distorted.
I do thing many times the problem is inside some women heads not men's, at least the men who choose them to love and etc.  Who cares what other men, a stranger, think about this or that? Is their personal preferences anyways...
The most crucial thing that I think is a woman like who she is, really embrace and love herself and that is it.
I do not think we have to care to preferences of stranger men or women and if we fit on those or not.who cares? I dont.
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RE: How hard would you work at being what your spouse w... - 12/20/2007 10:27:11 PM
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John_O
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quote:
ORIGINAL: doer
This reminds me of a couple that went to my old church, a young couple. The wife was gorgeous,,,,,very very good looking, had a big heart, lots of faith, awesome testimony. the husband was brought up in a Christian home, he was a believer. After the 2nd pregnancy, she started having panic attacks....severe panic.
instead of becoming a safe person, instead of becoming a support, a listener, a strong soft voice, a prayer, a picker upper..... in the conditions she was in, it would have been a little bit of work......he took the long way home, avoided her, ignored the problem, insulted her when she didn't know how to get help, when she was hiding.
This brings tears to my eyes. This man should have been horsewhipped. He failed as husband.
M had a period of panic attacks. (we'd been through an awful lot) As her husband my job was to protect her and provide security for her. And I did. Eventually we overcame them. You see a sickness, whether mental or physical, is not the wife's or the husband's, it is the couple's. We overcame it.
quote:
maybe I read John's question backwards. since we are stuck in the "Weight" thang..... if my spouse wanted to lose weight, I would become the best dietician, the best fitness instructer, the most dedicated workout partner, the best accountability partner, the best supporter, accepter, whatever the situation called for... maybe it would be hard work....BUT it would happen..... only because I am (would be) in love with her, no other reason than that.
The key to this, and the hardest part, is to be all those things without pushing her more than she wants to be pushed. KWIM?
_____________________________
Resistance is futile (if less than .25 ohms)
Psalms 46:10 Be still, and know that I am God: I will be exalted among the heathen, I will be exalted in the earth.
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RE: How hard would you work at being what your spouse w... - 12/20/2007 10:38:19 PM
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makarizo
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quote:
He failed as husband.
He sure did, and he lost her. but hitting bottom might have been worse than the horse whip... God is very much working in his life now, picking up the pieces, working on importanter things, and not dwelling on the mistakes and "what ifs"
the wife is a walking testimony, Praise God, He took a bad situation and pulled good out of it.
quote:
The key to this, and the hardest part, is to be all those things without pushing her more than she wants to be pushed. KWIM?
paying attention is the key to understanding.
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RE: How hard would you work at being what your spouse w... - 12/20/2007 10:38:20 PM
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mutinywxgirl
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quote:
I think we all need to quit focussing so much on Johns personal prefferences and remember the real topic of the thread.
Can I stand up on a chair and applaud loudly???
Finally, people seem to be getting it!!!!!
_____________________________
When blood and water hit the ground.
Walls we couldn't move came crashing down.
We were free and made alive.
The day true love died. The day true love died.
Lisa is happy THE ROWDIES ARE BACK!
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RE: How hard would you work at being what your spouse w... - 12/20/2007 10:46:18 PM
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Focusing
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A few of us got it when it was resurrected......
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"Make every effort to live in peace with all men and to be holy; without holiness no one will see the Lord."
Hebrews 12:14
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RE: How hard would you work at being what your spouse w... - 12/20/2007 10:56:03 PM
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BugLady
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quote:
ORIGINAL: John_O
I know. people trip over the word work. To me work is not a bad thing. I'm an engineer so it just means an expenditure of effort and has no negative connotation whatsoever.
So how much effort would you put into pleasing your spouse?
(Does that read better?)
Not really. The word work is not tripping me up. If I have to work hard at pleasing someone, maybe they are not so easy to please. That's not healthy. In a healthy marriage both parties should be working together to please each other. That means making concessions for one another. If I hate my hair long, but he's made it clear to me that long is the only way he'll be pleased, I will probably grow to resent him.
Btw, I may have wounds, but they have nothing to do with my remarks on this thread.
_____________________________
• Human trafficking is the 3rd largest source of income for organized crime, generating $7 billion a year.
International Justice Mission
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RE: How hard would you work at being what your spouse w... - 12/21/2007 7:44:57 AM
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CoeurdeLeon
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Excellent posts by BugLady and Sharon.
quote:
We need to love that person and respect them enough to be willing to do whatever it takes to make them happy.
(Not picking on believinginhim2 because this idea has been stated repeatedly. It was just the most convenient one to quote.)
This begins with a false premise and perpetuates a burden that isn't ours to carry. We cannot be responsible for our spouse's happiness. We can only have any affect over our own happiness. Turn it around and you'll see what I'm saying. Is it anyone else's fault if you are unhappy? Of course not, that is entirely your responsibility. If we are depending on our spouse to do or not do things to make us happy, we have placed not only an unfair burden on them but also one that isn't theirs to carry. Not only that, but if we rely on others for our happiness, it doesn't matter how hard they work, how far they'll go or what they're willing to do, eventually what made us happy last week will no longer do so and we'll need something more from them. It's never ending until we take responsibility for our own happiness.
quote:
I think we all need to quit focussing so much on Johns personal prefferences and remember the real topic of the thread.
No one cares one way or the other what John prefers. He can like whatever he likes and good luck to him. The topic of the thread has to do with "being what your spouse wants" after marriage. Would you do whatever it took to remain what you were on your wedding day so that your spouse never lost any of his attraction for you? By extension these questions have come up: Would you want to be married to someone who could lose his/her attraction for you? Is it reasonable to ask your spouse to continue to look the same from the day you marry onwards? Is there an underlying and implied "if you love me, you'll _____________" in the concept? (Because if you won't work to be what your spouse prefers...). And where does it become unreasonable? If your spouse shaves his beard, is he showing disdain for your preferences or did he just shave his beard?
It has been stated several times that if someone does not keep the same appearance after marriage that they were engaged in false advertising and were lying. Is that a fair statement?
The phrase "love them enough" has come up repeatedly in this thread. It's in the first quote I used. If I love him enough I'll......., If he loves me enough he'll....... Is love quantifiable? And is keeping our outward appearances a reasonable benchmark of how much we love our spouse?
< Message edited by CoeurdeLeon -- 12/21/2007 8:07:46 AM >
_____________________________
It's the Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown!
9.7.08
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RE: How hard would you work at being what your spouse w... - 12/21/2007 7:50:14 AM
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WalkingwithHim2
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ORIGINAL: BugLady
quote:
The word work is not tripping me up. If I have to work hard at pleasing someone, maybe they are not so easy to please.
All relationships require work and I think in this context it means effort. It requires effort to keep your house in order and so there it requires effort (work) to keep your marriage in order.
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RE: How hard would you work at being what your spouse w... - 12/21/2007 7:55:18 AM
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WalkingwithHim2
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I also think we read too much in to what guys think of as beauty. For example for many years my mother dyed her hair to cover the gray until one day the dye started to burn her scalp. She told my dad that she was no longer able to dye her hair because it hurt her head and my dad replied "when did I ever ask you to dye your hair?"
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RE: How hard would you work at being what your spouse w... - 12/21/2007 8:35:48 AM
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AdrianaS
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quote:
ORIGINAL: WalkingwithHim2
I also think we read too much in to what guys think of as beauty. For example for many years my mother dyed her hair to cover the gray until one day the dye started to burn her scalp. She told my dad that she was no longer able to dye her hair because it hurt her head and my dad replied "when did I ever ask you to dye your hair?"
Yes, many pressures do come inside individual people not others..is what I having been concluding for a long time.
As to me some reactions do not happen in a vaccum. People may learn to react to specific issues based on information they carry inside. Thereare many factors that can affect a person's life. Many are more self confident then others because the invironament they grow up in an they love and acceptance they did receive since young ages. Then although at teen years we get to experience peer pressures many of us are confident in who we are, sure hurts may happen reggarding rejevtions and whatever but still we do not hang in a place of insecurity because we just have stronger sense of who we really are for a long time and as we mature ourself reenforce our strenghts and the well being and healthy ways to just like who we are with all the faults and whatever.
To me because I was born in a lovely family that I do thank God for it and much loved by particularly my Dad and with a confident personality there is no way the imprint of love and my beauty as a person and gratitude strongly felt by me being in this world and the happiness I felt to be fully accepted and listen and encouraged to me just me will not dim or get a hit just because of some exterior pressures. Plus the plain reality and assurance that those who love us trully love us the way we are. When we get embraced very early in life and steady grow in those invironments is to strong and goes to deep to just forget it, erase it.
For this motive and this strong knowing by experience what a healthy loving invironment can do to a person and particularly a loving male figure as a father so close by and etc then the opposite is pretty much as strong. And unfortunatly women who did not have father, male figure early in life or an indiferent one, or abusive one etc , can be vulnerable and sensitive to oppinions of masculine gender. That can not be allowed to go on. As even as Christians we are not supose to receive as truth people, any people, talking to our life with authority they do not have, but some choose to take as authoritative or whatever. If a person has no father etc The Lord is the only one with this authority in a person life and He standing on this matter is lovely and clear.
We must reject any talking from others even more so comming our own self, reenforcing who we think and feel or see we are based on distorted image, unhealthy relationships inprinted in us early in life etc because that is not true.
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RE: How hard would you work at being what your spouse w... - 12/21/2007 8:55:39 AM
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Focusing
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quote:
We need to love that person and respect them enough to be willing to do whatever it takes to make them happy.
As a couple of us have posted, we have done this. We have done everything in our power to do whatever it takes to make our spouse happy. Know what? It doesn't work. Because in the process of doing *whatever it takes to make them happy* we have lost sight of ourselves. It becomes very one-sided. It's not healthy.
Love is a choice. It is not based on how someone maintains themselves physically. Some people lose sight as to their own individuality in doing what it takes *to make their spouse happy*. And in the process, as some here can testify, we fall under the control of our spouse. No, that is not a healthy relationship. (I believe John's word was *dysfunctional* ...... he has only touched the tip of the iceberg on that.) Nonhealthy marriages don't work. Fortunately, there are a lot of people who have never had this experience, and I don't believe they can fully understand what it is like to have been under this type of control. It's called abuse. But that is not the topic of this thread ..... but definitely can help us define what are healthy boundaries in marriage, or a premarriage relationship where we need to look for these signs. (And I feel the need to add here that yes, a man can be very deceptive prior to the marriage, and after the wedding change drastically. It falls under the heading of manipulation. And yes, women are quite capable of this as well.) I truly believe that if there are major changes going on (extreme weight gain, for instance), yes it needs to be addressed. It could be a medical issue, but it could also be a manifestation of depression. Unhappiness in the marriage, job, chemical imbalance in his/her body. A loving spouse will take this into consideration, and do what is necessary to help the other. That is part of the choice we make when we truly do love someone. A selfish person will only stop and think *I don't like that about you, you have to change*. That is certainly not love.
What I need in my future husband is going to be quite different than what others are going to need. It comes from our life experiences. My needs are based on who I am, where I come from, how I was raised, what I had to deal with in my marriage - some people are more needy emotionally, some require their ego to be stroked on a regular basis, some have an inquenchable desire to help others - we all have different passions in our lives. Someone who must start their day with solitude and conversation with God will probably not mesh with someone who is a nonstop chatterbox the moment their eyes open. Not saying anything is wrong with either of these types, but compatability is pretty important!
So, despite the comment that we are finally getting it, I think a lot of us have been getting it. We just have different ways of expressing ourselves, because we are all individuals, and we all have needs that we want met. We also have things we are not willing to put up with, or have no desire to be bothered with in a potential future spouse. And there's nothing wrong with voicing those opinions. Some of the people who are reading/posting here have led more sheltered lives, some have been through some rather traumatic experiences ...... neither is right or wrong, and the beauty of this thread is that we can learn from each others experiences and lessons. And hopefully develop a sense of balance that will be important for future relationships.
_____________________________
"Make every effort to live in peace with all men and to be holy; without holiness no one will see the Lord."
Hebrews 12:14
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RE: How hard would you work at being what your spouse w... - 12/21/2007 9:41:52 AM
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believeinhim2
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quote:
As a couple of us have posted, we have done this. We have done everything in our power to do whatever it takes to make our spouse happy. Know what? It doesn't work. Because in the process of doing *whatever it takes to make them happy* we have lost sight of ourselves. It becomes very one-sided. It's not healthy.
Love is a choice. It is not based on how someone maintains themselves physically. Some people lose sight as to their own individuality in doing what it takes *to make their spouse happy*. And in the process, as some here can testify, we fall under the control of our spouse. No, that is not a healthy relationship. (I believe John's word was *dysfunctional* ...... he has only touched the tip of the iceberg on that.) Nonhealthy marriages don't work. Fortunately, there are a lot of people who have never had this experience, and I don't believe they can fully understand what it is like to have been under this type of control. It's called abuse. But that is not the topic of this thread ..... but definitely can help us define what are healthy boundaries in marriage, or a premarriage relationship where we need to look for these signs.
Believe me when i tell you that i of all people know about being in an abusive relationship. Most of you here don't know that part of my story. It's not something that i like to talk about.
I still believe that it is not so much about how the other person responds to our efforts as it is us doing what God expects of us. When i was in that last relationship i chose to love him and do all sorts of things to please him because i felt that was my responsibility. It didn't work out so well for us. I know that it had nothing to do with a lack of trying on my part. He had some serious issues. He was in sin. That did not relieve me of my responsibility to make an effort. Fortunately for me i saw the signs before it was too late and broke off the relationship. However i do believe since i chose to put myself in that relationship wether good or bad it was my responsibility to do the things i should to try to make it work. God doesn't tell us that we only have to try to please our mate if they are a good one.
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~mandi~
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Give ear to my words, O LORD, consider my meditation. 2 Hearken unto the voice of my cry, my King, and my God: for unto thee will I pray. Ps5:1-2
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RE: How hard would you work at being what your spouse w... - 12/21/2007 10:29:37 AM
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WalkingwithHim2
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Many of us have been in abusive relationships but that is not what we are talking about here. We are not talking about control either. This is the way that I interpret the thread " If you have _________ hair and weigh x amount of pounds on the day that you marry how hard would you work to maintain that look?" The thread does not say if when you marry you are a blond with blue eyes that weighs 300 lbs how hard would you work to be a brunette with green eyes and weigh 100lbs? We are not talking about changing ourselves but MAINTAINING ourselves.
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RE: How hard would you work at being what your spouse w... - 12/21/2007 10:41:30 AM
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CoeurdeLeon
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quote:
We are not talking about changing ourselves but MAINTAINING ourselves.
But be clear. Maintaining ourselves for someone. Because that's what they want. Regardless of what we might prefer for ourselves, e.g. a new hair-style/color/length, shaving/growing a beard, etc.
_____________________________
It's the Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown!
9.7.08
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RE: How hard would you work at being what your spouse w... - 12/21/2007 10:48:32 AM
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BugLady
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quote:
ORIGINAL: WalkingwithHim2
ORIGINAL: BugLady
quote:
The word work is not tripping me up. If I have to work hard at pleasing someone, maybe they are not so easy to please.
All relationships require work and I think in this context it means effort. It requires effort to keep your house in order and so there it requires effort (work) to keep your marriage in order.
Yep. Relationships do require "effort". But that's not the same thing as working to be what your spouse wants you to be. And of course it requires effort to keep your house and marriage in order. No argument from me there. Effort from both parties working together to accept each other and encourage each other. If I'm packing around extra weight that my husband doesn't like, but it poses no health risk and I'm comfortable as I am, I'm probably not going to work very hard to make myself uncomfortable to please him. However, if I'm also not satisfied with my appearance, and he encourages me by being lovingly involved in helping me make changes, then it becomes teamwork and less effort, imo.
_____________________________
• Human trafficking is the 3rd largest source of income for organized crime, generating $7 billion a year.
International Justice Mission
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RE: How hard would you work at being what your spouse w... - 12/21/2007 10:53:37 AM
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WalkingwithHim2
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I agree BugLady. I don't think that we are talking about putting on a few pounds because we all eventually will. I think that we are talking more about significant changes like putting on 100 extra pounds not 30.
Maybe the thread just wasn't clear.
I will still prefer my husband to be clean shaven but if he prefers to grow a beard i'm not going to be repulsed by him or fall out of love. I love the person regardless of the shave/or no shave.
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RE: How hard would you work at being what your spouse w... - 12/21/2007 10:57:45 AM
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BugLady
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