RE: How hard would you work at being what your spouse wanted you to be?
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RE: How hard would you work at being what your spouse w... - 12/21/2007 11:01:58 AM
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WalkingwithHim2
Posts: 2115
Joined: 12/13/2007
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ORIGINAL: BugLady
And a weight gain of 100 lbs could be indicative of a deeper issue wthin the relationship.
[/quote]
I agree with you on that point.
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RE: How hard would you work at being what your spouse w... - 12/21/2007 11:06:50 AM
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p31woman
Posts: 689
Joined: 4/12/2005
From: Texas, and now South Dakota
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quote:
" If you have _________ hair and weigh x amount of pounds on the day that you marry how hard would you work to maintain that look?"
I've worked hard to maintain this weight, give or take a few pounds, for years. I've had the same hairstyle for several years, but am already thinking I might grow it out long again during pregnancy. Who knows.
So... I might work at it because this is where I'm pretty happy. But fear that my fiance will be disappointed if I change isn't what compels me.
_____________________________
So don't let anyone pass judgment on you in connection with eating and drinking, or in regard to a Jewish festival or Rosh-Hodesh or Shabbat. These are a shadow of things that are coming, but the body is of the Messiah. Colossians 2:16-17
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RE: How hard would you work at being what your spouse w... - 12/21/2007 11:10:28 AM
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Focusing
Posts: 5251
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quote:
We are not talking about changing ourselves but MAINTAINING ourselves.
See, I don't view it this way at all. Because for a spouse to expect us to maintain being the physical person (and emotional and spiritual and intellectual as well) that we were when we first met or married, would be unreasonable. We all go through learning experiences and change - growth - throughout our lives. To expect a person - man or woman - to not grow in these areas would be unreasonable. And, I am not simply talking about weight gain or hair length - I am referring to a desire to change physically ...... perhaps run a marathon, get in stellar shape (6-pack abs), things along those lines. Spiritually - continually seeking to learn from the Word. Intellectually - seeking to challenge our minds. Emotionally - so much falls under this category! Change can be good. It should not be viewed as a bad thing. Maintaining is stagnating, IMO. It shows no potential or desire to grow, change, or improve oneself.
I'm not trying to argue or get into a heated debate, I'm simply trying to bring about a wider perspective within the realm of "how hard would you work at being what your spouse wanted you to be" ....... personally, I desire to have a husband that wants what's best for me, and in doing so, he will seek my input, push me when I need it (come on, honey, you can do it .... just picture that finish line!), and encourage us to pray together as a couple, always seeking God's will. I, in turn, desire to always seek what's in his best interests, seek his input, provide encouragement to him when he needs it, and to always seek God's will through prayer. It's a constant *dance* where we are seeking to please each other. A hand in a glove, one fitting gently inside and the other gently surrounding, taking turns.
That's what I love about this thread (although there are the occasional posts that make me go  , but that's just me, and I fully understand we are all coming from a different place in life) ....... everyone has a different perspective. I think the best part is that it can help us define what it is we desire in a spouse or what we want to avoid. I am all for learning from another's experiences.
Mandi, I appreciate that you opened yourself up and stated that you too were in an abusive relationship. (((Mandi))) My marriage was horrendous, and it's a big part of my testimony. There are some things I have revealed here on CW during the time I have been posting, but there are far more things I have not discussed. Some very sensitive and extremely personal things. These are some of the emotions that have come up recently and are flying around inside me. I thank God daily for a friend who is helping me to deal with these issues. Someone who is nonjudgmental and supportive, and providing prayer on my behalf. Someone who helps me to remember that those experiences are a part of what has made me who I am today, and that I am no longer that person - I am a new creation in Christ. This is a trait I will desire in a future husband. It's also a trait that I desire to provide.
_____________________________
Sam
The LORD is my rock and my fortress and my deliverer, my God, my rock, in whom I take refuge; my shield and the horn of my salvation, my stronghold. Psalm 18:2
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RE: How hard would you work at being what your spouse w... - 12/21/2007 11:25:28 AM
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WalkingwithHim2
Posts: 2115
Joined: 12/13/2007
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quote:
ORIGINAL: Focusing
See, I don't view it this way at all. Because for a spouse to expect us to maintain being the physical person (and emotional and spiritual and intellectual as well) that we were when we first met or married, would be unreasonable. We all go through learning experiences and change - growth - throughout our lives. To expect a person - man or woman - to not grow in these areas would be unreasonable. And, I am not simply talking about weight gain or hair length - I am referring to a desire to change physically ...... perhaps run a marathon, get in stellar shape (6-pack abs), things along those lines. Spiritually - continually seeking to learn from the Word. Intellectually - seeking to challenge our minds. Emotionally - so much falls under this category! Change can be good. It should not be viewed as a bad thing. Maintaining is stagnating, IMO. It shows no potential or desire to grow, change, or improve oneself.
I'm not trying to argue or get into a heated debate, I'm simply trying to bring about a wider perspective within the realm of "how hard would you work at being what your spouse wanted you to be" ....... personally, I desire to have a husband that wants what's best for me, and in doing so, he will seek my input, push me when I need it (come on, honey, you can do it .... just picture that finish line!), and encourage us to pray together as a couple, always seeking God's will. I, in turn, desire to always seek what's in his best interests, seek his input, provide encouragement to him when he needs it, and to always seek God's will through prayer. It's a constant *dance* where we are seeking to please each other. A hand in a glove, one fitting gently inside and the other gently surrounding, taking turns.
100% agreed!
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RE: How hard would you work at being what your spouse w... - 12/21/2007 11:30:05 AM
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Brenda-lee
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Just got through catching up on this thread.. it has really taken on a life of its own, and has really touched some deep places within us. John I got to give you a high five. Anything that causes us to take a deeper look within and evalutate ourselves - and where we are at, and cause such a reaction - requires a bit of soul searching, and a wee bit more prayer.
This thread has reveal openly not only in respect to how we view ourselves - but how far they will go to protect ourr identities.... Never really wanting to step away from their pain, and looking at the big picture - and our lack of self acceptance. It is almost like we are saying: yeah, I dont accept me for me, for God only knows what reason, but my spouse better. He/ or she better just be supportive, and fill that void. It just doesnt work this way. We have got alot of heart work to do.
Then there is the aspect of loving someone for the unique creation that they are - loving them enough to support who they are on their journey. Because actually, if you think about it, there must have been SOMETHING that you desired, adored, loved about that person prior to meeting, falling in-love, and marrying them - and that had nothing to do with measuring up - becoming - or working to achieve their highest happiness. It was because you were the unique being that God created you to be. And that made them happy - you were you - and they we them - and it was good.
Now we have all this other stuff - Where does this come from? It is selfish expectation?
hey I am the first to admitt - I can be selfish, and impulsive as all get out. But I am learning... I want to be able to love the way God has demonstrated -
Oh before I close - You all have contributed some very insightful heartfelt thoughts - which have blessed me - thank you
(((GroupHug)))
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BrendaLee 
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RE: How hard would you work at being what your spouse w... - 12/21/2007 11:34:08 AM
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BugLady
Posts: 2615
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From: irreparable damages
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quote:
....... personally, I desire to have a husband that wants what's best for me, and in doing so, he will seek my input, push me when I need it (come on, honey, you can do it .... just picture that finish line!), and encourage us to pray together as a couple, always seeking God's will.
Yep. Working together as a team. A dual effort not one-sided.
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Thank you, Lord, for my feet! 
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RE: How hard would you work at being what your spouse w... - 12/21/2007 11:37:56 AM
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derek_from_canada
Posts: 455
Joined: 7/28/2007
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quote:
ORIGINAL: BugLady
quote:
ORIGINAL: WalkingwithHim2
ORIGINAL: BugLady
quote:
The word work is not tripping me up. If I have to work hard at pleasing someone, maybe they are not so easy to please.
All relationships require work and I think in this context it means effort. It requires effort to keep your house in order and so there it requires effort (work) to keep your marriage in order.
Yep. Relationships do require "effort". But that's not the same thing as working to be what your spouse wants you to be. And of course it requires effort to keep your house and marriage in order. No argument from me there. Effort from both parties working together to accept each other and encourage each other. If I'm packing around extra weight that my husband doesn't like, but it poses no health risk and I'm comfortable as I am, I'm probably not going to work very hard to make myself uncomfortable to please him. However, if I'm also not satisfied with my appearance, and he encourages me by being lovingly involved in helping me make changes, then it becomes teamwork and less effort, imo.
I was thinking about this... not about the physical part (which is pretty minor in my view.), beauty is fleeting and for the young and though one's body is a significant part of who we are, I think in a relationship it's significance fades over more time spent learning about each other's insides. I think that couples in their 80s that look at their spouse with love, have healthy pink colored glasses on and are filling in the spaces with a lifetime of memories that they can communicate to each other with a touch of the hand and a mere look.
Back to the point, not about the physical...
But rather I was considering the emotional and spiritual uncomfortable-ness.
Are you willing to go deep with your partner, even into uncomfortable places and topics, even if it makes you uncomfortable to ask him, or uncomfortable to talk about for you. Would you have the strength and courage to do it, for the relationship's sake, not for your own sake.
Doing that inner work on yourself takes alot of effort and willingness to be open and vulnerable and honest. And the two of you can make each other better as iron sharpens iron, though it will surely hurt, probably more than doing 100 sit-ups a day. =)
There are things that people could ask me and make me accountable for that would be hard hurdles for me. And sometimes when I was single, no one would ask and I can be "comfortable" with myself and my foibles and not have to change a thing for anyone. It was great =) But in the end it probably isn't healthy nor does it help me grow.
Just a thought.
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RE: How hard would you work at being what your spouse w... - 12/21/2007 11:42:31 AM
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joy2give2u
Posts: 4186
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From: Indiana
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quote:
And sometimes when I was single, Are congratulations in order Derrick?
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It is better to communicate the Spirit of what the Word says then the actual words read
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RE: How hard would you work at being what your spouse w... - 12/21/2007 11:44:06 AM
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Focusing
Posts: 5251
Joined: 5/19/2007
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quote:
Are you willing to go deep with your partner, even into uncomfortable places and topics, even if it makes you uncomfortable to ask him, or uncomfortable to talk about for you. Would you have the strength and courage to do it, for the relationship's sake, not for your own sake.
That's it!!!! This type of growth can be very painful (emotionally), but in the end, with a loving partner there beside you and supporting you, the end results are very beautiful. Growing together, with God as the center.
And, what a beautiful visual of the couple.
_____________________________
Sam
The LORD is my rock and my fortress and my deliverer, my God, my rock, in whom I take refuge; my shield and the horn of my salvation, my stronghold. Psalm 18:2
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RE: How hard would you work at being what your spouse w... - 12/21/2007 12:12:35 PM
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elastic
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luckily, whatever makes me happy is what makes him happy. if it makes me happy to shave my head bald, then that is what pleases him.
he is not pleased if i have to contort myself in such a way and do something that i think pleases him, if it does not please me as well.
likewise, i would never ask him to do something that pleases me, if it is something that he wouldn't want to do....even if it is something that he used to do but no longer does, if it isn't something he wants to do, then i will not be pleased if he does it just to please me.
gosh, i think some people just try to make marriage so hard when it is really easy. there is only something to work at if you are putting all of these conditions on the other person, or keeping score, or trying to make the other person change to fit your perfect ideals.
so, in order to answer the op..how hard would you work to be what your spouse wants you to be,,,,well, i don't have to work very hard at all, because I AM what he wants me to be,,,,happy. all he wants is my happiness. there isn't a demand that i look a certain way, or act a certain way. all he's ever wanted is my happiness. I don't have to work to hard to be happy..i just have to be near him and he makes it so.
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"You are so right elastic" ~Qtman
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RE: How hard would you work at being what your spouse w... - 12/21/2007 12:17:12 PM
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BugLady
Posts: 2615
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From: irreparable damages
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quote:
ORIGINAL: derek_from_canada
Are you willing to go deep with your partner, even into uncomfortable places and topics, even if it makes you uncomfortable to ask him, or uncomfortable to talk about for you. Would you have the strength and courage to do it, for the relationship's sake, not for your own sake.
Doing that inner work on yourself takes alot of effort and willingness to be open and vulnerable and honest. And the two of you can make each other better as iron sharpens iron, though it will surely hurt, probably more than doing 100 sit-ups a day. =)
There are things that people could ask me and make me accountable for that would be hard hurdles for me. And sometimes when I was single, no one would ask and I can be "comfortable" with myself and my foibles and not have to change a thing for anyone. It was great =) But in the end it probably isn't healthy nor does it help me grow.
Just a thought.
And a thought well worth pondering. I'd actually relish the opportunity to be safe enough within a relationship to delve into the uncomfortable places to effect changes within myself for the better. In fact, it's something I've been praying about for four years. I've yet to meet someone safe enough. Someone once told me of my particular situation, it's more than the average person has a right to know about and certainly not strangers on an internet forum. That person was right.
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Thank you, Lord, for my feet!
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RE: How hard would you work at being what your spouse w... - 12/21/2007 12:23:20 PM
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derek_from_canada
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quote:
Are congratulations in order Derrick?
ah, I am unmarried but seeing a wonderful canadian girl =) So perhaps not yet. We are still discovering one another.. :)
But I really like what elastic mentioned too, it really can be a simple thing.
For me, my happiness is in her happiness and I believe her's is in mine. Thus we submit to each other's needs in that way.
It's not a 50/50 split of effort, it's an unbalanced 110/110. Both parties give 110% sacrificially and unconditionally to the other and hope they respond in kind. Wonderfully, yet perhaps imperfectly, they usually do. Quite a mystery this relationship stuff.
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RE: How hard would you work at being what your spouse w... - 12/21/2007 12:39:40 PM
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Focusing
Posts: 5251
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quote:
Quite a mystery this relationship stuff.
And I thought I was the Master of Understatement ......... you have outdone me!!
_____________________________
Sam
The LORD is my rock and my fortress and my deliverer, my God, my rock, in whom I take refuge; my shield and the horn of my salvation, my stronghold. Psalm 18:2
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RE: How hard would you work at being what your spouse w... - 12/21/2007 8:48:20 PM
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Psalms274
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From: Georgia
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quote:
ORIGINAL: qtman
First off I don't see what external has to do with anything. That is not who we are. It is what is inside that counts. But to answer your question I have never expected nor have I asked my wife to change. After 33 years of marriage when I look at my wife I still see the same young lady I married.
That is what I saw in my Mom and Dad ... and many other very happy marriages! Thank you for sharing ...
Edited TOS 6
< Message edited by Kath -- 12/22/2007 7:52:04 PM >
_____________________________
I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the saints, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ.
< Linus w/ a friends baby!
http://piswa.blogspot.com/
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RE: How hard would you work at being what your spouse w... - 12/21/2007 9:36:08 PM
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Telemachus
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From: NC
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I would not work to conform myself to the desires of another person. The first priority is to live how God would want me to; after that, the second priority is to be who I want to be. If a woman doesn't like who I am, I do not pursue a relationship with her.
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