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cheshirecat -> RE: How hard would you work at being what your spouse wanted you to be? (12/13/2006 6:07:58 PM)
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quote:
ORIGINAL: Pax2y_all
Super Thread, John_O!
I honestly would work, with all my ability, to make Judy as happy as possible--maybe to the point of spoiling her, long before we tie the knot. I don't mean that I would ever demean myself to please her--that just isn't in my nature to begin with,
But in all the other things a couple shares; yes, I would continually go out of my way to please my wife. And since, we're talking here about spouses (or at least I am), why would my spouse, assuming we have known each other long enough to get past the infatuation stage, want to change anything about me?
The marriage is a joinning, a completing--it is bonding, not plastic surgery. I sought out Judy because she fills the empty part of my life--as only she can fill it, with what I needed Judy to freely offer me.
During the dating stage, and throughout the committed, couple stage, such things as outright deal-breakers, or things that you don't care too much about the other person's habits (not character)--those should be openly spoken about in an assertive, not aggressive manner.
Deal with them entirely, or compromise about them, if they aren't deal-breakers. Set joint expectations for behaviors, and fully explain what you need, to feel loved by, and for, the other.
For example, I smoke cigarettes, not many, but a few a day. Judy knows this. She has made no point to me that I must give up the cigarettes before she will become anymore seriously involved with me.
Had she assertively done so, by telling me, "I need for you to quit. I don't like them around me, nor do I want you to smoke in front of my children," she would be telling me I must quit before we go any further in our relationship. Indeed, she would be assertively telling me that she needs to know I'll be strong enough, around long enough, for the super expenditure required from her to spend the rest of our lives together.
Here are three choices I could make:
(1) give up the four or five I smoke a day, because she is worth more than four or five weeds.
(2) refuse to quit at all. Tell her she has to adapt to my habit (that would be aggressive behavior on my part) I refuse to discuss this (I will not yield or compromise; you accept it or lose me).
(3) lie, tell her that I have quit--and until she's here, how's she going to know, anyway. We won't be joned at the hip in LV either. No doubt, with the few cigarettes I do smoke, I could work them around Hide them from) my Judy time.
#2 and # 3 are, in order, aggressive behavior (you must--or you lose); and lying outright, actual passive aggression. She cannot see me or tell I am lying, so she doesn't know, anyway. Either way, to continue any behavior that causes, or feeds Judy fears, is not a positive way to gain her trust, and in no way makes me respect her, as a person, should I get away with behavior that offends her.
An assertive discussion of all life's checks and balances, are essential to the completion of a couple, prior to marriage. Believe me, the union of your spirits, happens long before the pretty words are spoken over you.
In all areas of human intercourse between couples, honesty, the need to please, and reassure your spouse, should be your first human duty to him or her, after making certain they are right with the Redeemer.
I've read posts where women asked, "Would you that (sexual) thing with your husband to please him?" You might, but at what cost to you? Anytime either partner is demeaned during a sex act between a married couple, the act is, of its self, sinful.
Why? Because you have both promised each other that you would never knowingly harm the other; and you vowed before God to love, honor and cherish each other. When you get to the marriage bed, no one should be going there as a victim. In addition, if this is a second marriage, only the two of you should be entering the marriage bed, in the first place.
The Lord has provided you both with all the equipment necessary for a fulfilling, daily life together, including all the necessary parts for a satisfying sex life. The problem most couples I speak with face, is the loss of sexual interest. And, for most of them, it is due to external forces acting upon them, or former sexual experiences being taken into the marriage bed. Sexually, you should both be more interested in pleasing your partner, than pleasing yourself. That approach will usually bring about just the right blend of enthusiasm, from your partner, an enthusiasm you might have thought had vanished.
To sum up, I fully intend to do whatever pleases Judy, that doesn't take away my self esteem, or lower my self worth. Moreover, I will not allow her to do such things, to be demeaned by my petty desires. After all, Judy has voluntarily placed a Welcome Mat at the door to her life. She has not agreed to become my doormat. Nor has Judy ever agreed to be my victim, either. We have got a long way to go--to get to our marriage bed, anyway. Therefore, we have an equally long way to go to work out the kinks of couples' living.
Blessings,
Frank
Frank you are going to make me cry. I don't think I have ever felt so loved. People this is what it's all about.
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