RE: Dancing to a different drummer (Full Version)

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agapetos -> RE: Dancing to a different drummer (10/27/2007 10:04:04 PM)

I saw my dentist on Wednesday. He's going to make me something to use because my doctor thinks that I am clenching my jaw and/or grinding my teeth and getting headaches. I go back next week to make sure it fits properly.

Saw my nurse on Thursday. I'd cancelled my last appointment because I wasn't feeling well so it had been a while since I'd really talked with him even though I'd seen him once or twice.

Blood test on Friday. The phlibotomist I saw was the one who did the wrong test before (I asked for thyroid and she did lithium). I'll be a bit upset with her if she'd got it wrong again....

It seems as though it was many years ago, but it wasn't quite that long ago, I was a student. So that I could survive, I took out a student loan. This was a government thing and had really low interest. You weren't expected to repay anything for the first 5 years after graduating and then you had to earn a certain amount before you needed to start repaying (it's currently around £2000). If you weren't earning that much you could have the load deferred for a year. I sent my loan deferrment off (during the postal strikes[&:]) and it never made it. I only just realised this last week. I phoned the company and asked if they'd got the form yet but they hadn't.

The lady I spoke with was really helpful. She organised another form to be sent out to me and told me what proof of income I needed to send back. I got the form on Friday and sent it back with copies of my proof of income so they should have it early next week.

But, what she also said, was that as I'd been ill I could apply to have the loan deferred for 3 years, instead of the ususal 1 year. I need to get a letter from my GP/consultant to say that I'm ill, but that shouldn't be too difficult. It will be really good if it happens. I guess my GP/consultant could say they wouldn't do the letter... [:D]

I watched a programme about the 30th anniversary of Roots today. Had been on earlier in the week, but I hadn't got round to watching it. Do you remember what you were doing back then? The programme said how it seemed to take the US by storm, everyone was watching it. I can remember watching it. It was shown here over Easter. I was allowed to watch it, then I was really ill (my parents thought I had whooping cough) and went back to school 2 weeks late!

I have to say, the whole thing has made me really think. I can remember when I was in primary school my class did an assembly on the end of the slave trade. I know now that it wasn't as totally accurate as it could have been and we didn't really look much at what life was like for the slaves (but then I may simply have forgotten that part). But it never occured to me that black kids (I don't actually remember being at school with any until we moved to London when I was 10) were any less intelligent or capable than any of the white kids. I know it happened, but I just can't imagine anyone calling someone such names based on the colour of their skin.

When I went to boarding school one of the girls in my year had a father who worked for the UN. She was a black girl and we all thought her rather amazing because her father was a fairly big man in the area of Africa he was from and that made her almost (if not fully) royalty! Other than being royalty, she was a pretty normal kid... spoke with a somewhat American accent though[;)]... but there were other girls Asian, Saudi's, HK Chinese, Thai and the thought of someone calling them names (or them calling a white girl names) just wasn't there... we had arguments and such, but there was no racial name calling...

I wonder what would happen if Roots was shown today. I know that Haley was criticised for the accuracy of the book as far as his family line goes, but the facts of how these people were abducted and sold as possessions and treated so horrifically wasn't wrong.



agapetos -> RE: Dancing to a different drummer (10/30/2007 9:55:19 PM)

quote:

So this guy comes up to me and says "what's the vision? What's the big idea?" I open my mouth and words come out like this…
The vision?

The vision is JESUS – obsessively, dangerously, undeniably Jesus.


The Vision continued (and worth reading)...

I read 'The Vision' several years back and it affects me as much now as it did then. There's just something about it. I don't know if you've ever heard of 24-7 or been in a prayer room. I went to a Christian conference some years back and heard one of the guys behind 24-7 speak. A prayer room had been set up in one of the buildings. It was quite incredible to see the vast range of media (could be the wrong word there[&:]) people used in their prayer life in these rooms. There was so much space for people to stand, sit, kneel, lay, dance as they prayed.

I sat and prayed for a time and sometimes just sat. It was quiet, calm and peaceful in that room, although on the other side of the door I knew there was so much hussle and bussle going on. Mixed in with the calm and the peace of the room though, there was something exciting and thrilling and alive. The written prayer, the painted prayer, the dented cushions of where someone had sat or knelt all seemed to be shouting out the prayers that had been spoken in the room. There seemed to be a very real and visible direct line to God and my prayers would simply join all those others.

I believe that God hears all prayers but sometimes when I sit and pray at home I feel that I'm in the deepest, darkest dungeon and any prayer will be absorbed (and so killed) into the walls before it is ever heard. What strength comes from having more people praying together?



agapetos -> RE: Dancing to a different drummer (10/31/2007 5:30:50 PM)

Well, I've printed out what feels like a million and one charts and things for me to use to help structure my life some. I used to keep a mood diary but stopped a few months ago. I find it helpful to look back and see how things have been for me in previous months. It's the one that I want to concentrate on keeping up with. While there are others that I'm going to sort of do (ie if the mood strikes!) I will do. The thought of spending my life filling in bits of paper doesn't really appeal, but I think sometimes it's useful. With some trepidation, I've also printed out a walking programme (I modified one I found online) to do. It's 12 weeks and goes from starting with 15 mins working up to 60 mins a day. I don't really like cold weather, I especially don't like going out in the rain so I'm not sure this is the best time of year (but then we had rain most of the summer[&:]).

I think part of the reason I'm doing this stems from when I saw my psychiatrist. He asked me what my appetite was like and what my energy levels were like. I said that my apppetite was poor and my energy levels were low. Thinking about it later, I realised that I simply didn't have the motivation to eat (or eat well) or do stuff really. I need to make myself do things. I'm not sure bucket loads of charts will give me the motivation, but at least I'll know what things I have to do and need to do. And perhaps, over time I'll get some motivation to do things.

Not sure that I've explained that terribly well, but I know what I mean so that's ok[:D][;)].

I went out to the shops yesterday and saw a big box outside my neighbours front door. I couldn't help but notice that it was a compost bin that I'd been looking at earlier this year. So.... yesterday evening I knocked on her door and asker her about it. She said that it wasn't hers! We inspected the box and discovered that it was for someone who lived in the same town but at a totally different address! I said that I'd phone the company if she wanted (she works, I don't and I could find the number online). She accepted. I got the order number from the box and called the company to tell them about their goofy couriers! They're arranging to send someone out to pick it up. I did point out that it would be outside because it was too big to sit in the house for that period of time and she seemed happy with that.



agapetos -> RE: Dancing to a different drummer (11/1/2007 8:31:23 PM)

Well... what a day!

My phone started ringing at 8am and I just knew that it would be my dentist office... When I eventually got up (to check the answermachine) it was. My dentist was sick so wouldn't be in today, but I could still pick up the mouth splint thing today. After feeding Munchie, I went back to bed for a bit!

Woke up 2nd time around and picked up my post. The company that makes my lithium and I'd spoken to recently wrote to me. They'd said they'd like to look at the 'complaint' I had of my hands shaking. I phoned them back and said that I wasn't complaining about my hands shaking, I was complaining about the fact that I couldn't measure my lithium accurately using the spoon they provide! However, because I had said originally that lithium caused my hands to shake (on the basis they never shook before) they want to look into that as well, so my call is being dealt with in 2 different departments!

I decided (somewhat foolishly) that I needed to reassure this woman that I wasn't complaining about the side effects of lithium because the benefits far outweigh them ~ I told her that I considered shaking hands which stop me doing some things are minor matters really and then hypothyroidism came up... Oh boy[&:][:D] I have no idea if I am meant to fill this form in or not now, but she is having someone from the other department call me back (if they have the nerve!).

My student loan company phoned and told me that my deferment had been accepted and some other stuff which I really couldn't understand but they're putting it in a letter anyhow. He explained what I needed to do in order to extend the deferment or have the loan wiped and is going to put that info in a letter so I can just show my doctor/consultant.

I walked to the doctors today to get my blood test results. She said my lithium levels were a lil bit high. My regular doctor is on leave and my psychiatrist does another job (and doesn't work Thursday or Friday) so she arranged to have the duty doctor to call me. Then I walked round to the dentist and picked my thing up and headed home.

I tried my psychiatrist's secretary and another sec answered but put me through to mine. She told me that my psychiatrist wasn't in the office but she'd try and get hold of him (after she recovered from the shock of what my lithium levels were!). He called me a little bit later and we concluded that it was the combination of measuring accurately and the fact he'd increased the dosage that was causing the problem. I have to cut it back again ~ and have another blood test in the next week or so.

I hung up and before I had a chance to call the doctor's, she phoned me. I explained what my psychiatrist had done and asked about the other results (which apparently were a bit high). She said there was nothing to worry about but it seemed to show that I was fighting an infection (I was[&:]??? No one told me that I was sick[&:][;)]). She suggested that I pop in and see my normal GP next week when she's back and 'catch up' and find out if she wants me to have any other blood tests!



agapetos -> RE: Dancing to a different drummer (11/6/2007 7:58:35 PM)

I woke up very late (for me) and stayed in bed a while longer as Munchie was asleep on my legs and didn't seem too worried about breakfast. I finally got up and went down to feed her and discover the crash I heard last night. Nothing too serious, some games mysteriously had fallen off the shelf they were on. Hmmm... Methinks I have a guilty cat[:D]

I had to go to the next town to pay some money into a bank account. Then I did some wandering around. I found (and bought) this scrapbook so I can start scrapbooking anytime[:D]. I want to put some of my pansies in it and some leaves from my Japanese maple (when they turn red). I suspect that a photo or two of a certain kitty may appear! I went to housegroup tonight and asked my friend if it was ok to take photos of them all at some point because I have none and they're some of the best friends I have. She thinks I'm a little strange for wanting photos of her family but said ok[:D].

I've been walking for a week ~ following a walking plan. I didn't do anything yesterday but I did a lot today. The weather has been good which has helped, not sure how I'm going to feel when it is wet! I'm babysitting for my friend on Thursday, so that walk is taken care of (it's her Gran's 100th!). I think my problem is going to be where to walk as the walks get longer (I go from 15 mins to 60 mins over 12 weeks). I've never really been one for walking to a certain time ~ I like going from a to b or whatever. There are a few villages round here though, so I could probably walk down to one of them and get the bus back if I'd done my time and didn't fancy the walk back.

Housegroup was interesting. One chap was a bit controversial though. Then my friend's husband turned up (he'd been to Youth group. He put his head round the door to say hi and I asked if he wasn't a bit old for youth group! He doesn't want to go to the bday party Thursday because it's a sit-down do and he hates those so he's asked for me to be sick! Shall have to think more about the discussion another time. Not sure my brain was totally in gear, but I suspect the same could be said for at least one other person!



agapetos -> RE: Dancing to a different drummer (11/8/2007 4:55:47 PM)

I spoke with my doctor today about my blood test results. She wants them repeated as my white count was a bit high. I have to have a lithium test tomorrow anyhow so they'll be done at the same time. She said that generally when someone hears 'high white count' they think leukemia. She pointed out that wasn't my problem. I pointed out that I was aware of the connection but hadn't thought that it was, I was just busy trying to figure out when I'd last been sick with something to warrent my count being up!

I'm babysitting at the moment. My friend and her husband have gone to help her grandmother celebrate her birthday. She made the news on several channels as she's 100 today. And she still works 6 days a week[:D] She's a wonderful lady and would easily give many a run for their money. Her work is the garden centre which her family started ~ when she was 64!



agapetos -> RE: Dancing to a different drummer (11/12/2007 5:03:53 PM)

Well, my friend's grandmother took the day off work on Friday to recover from her birthday dinner (which ended at gone 11pm). She had a good time by all accounts though.

I have housegroup tomorrow. I'm wondering if it will be as entertaining as it was last week[;)]. Isn't it strange how most people can pretty much think along similar lines most of the time and then suddenly... there's just one person who's thinking can seem a little off...

We were talking about what happens when we (as Christians) die. Several of us agreed that if we aren't instantly in heaven with our Lord, we won't ever be aware of that fact (because we'd be on God's time) ~ so it will be as though we've died and then we're in heaven even though many years may have passed in human terms. I should actually quote the scripture we were reading and the question posed but they're downstairs and I'm not! Anyhow, our thoughts turned to those who weren't Christians. One chap (here's that thinking that's a little off) said that he couldn't accept that those who weren't Christians wouldn't be given a chance ~ his God was loving and merciful etc etc and so they had to be given a chance, didn't they?

I have to admit, I find it very hard to think that there are folk who've never heard the gospel or who have rejected what they understood the gospel to mean but I've always (even before I became a Christian) believed that once we're dead, we're dead, no second chances.

We also talked about God and Jesus and when we'd be in heaven. I said that I'd always seen them as separate. My memory was telling me that Jesus would sit at God's right hand. He was sure that they would be one and there was no separation. I have to confess my mind seemed to wander a bit that evening so I didn't push it, but having checked it out in Acts 2 (and others) it does say that Jesus will sit at God's right hand.

I'm very conscious that my friend is the house group leader and I don't want to cause major waves for her. I've also no idea how long this chap has been a Christian for (though he doesn't seem 'new') so don't want to upset him too much, especially if he's new.

My walking plan has kind of bitten the dust some. I've not been out much over the past few days for various reasons but I'm trying not to worry too much about it right now.

I cancelled my appointment with my psychologist this morning. I called first thing to cancel and she returned the call early afternoon. I've been having lots of weird dreams/nightmares and sleeping very badly and felt somewhat grim this morning. She was really good about the fact I'd cancelled and from talking a little with her said that she felt I'd made the right decision. We've rescheduled for next Monday.

My friend who I babysat for last week has 3 children. Her oldest is 10 and can be a bit of a handful. He decided to play up last week as they were getting ready to go out and my friend was trying to get him settled. After they'd gone, I wondered if it wouldn't be easier for them to go while he was still up (strange child apparently loves to spend time with me) and for me to send him to bed shortly after. Mentioned it to my friends and they thought it was worth a try when they next go out. It's friend's hubby's bday on Wednesday and they've asked if I'd babysit so (if we remember) we'll probably try it then.



agapetos -> RE: Dancing to a different drummer (11/16/2007 5:54:16 AM)

Went to housegroup on Tuesday and the chap that had a few strange views wasn't there. Given we were looking at some verses in Revelatiion it was a fairly quiet study[:D]!

The town that I live in still has quite a few independent retailers. One of the ladies from housegroup told us that the chap who ran the DIY store had just died. He had a massive heart attack. He was just 45 and had 3 young children. I walked past the store yesterday and some folk had laid some flowers outside the door.

I've ordered a shop from on online store and have been looking through recipe books for recipes that are straight-forward and sound good. I've found a few so have ordered most of what I need for them. Whether I get round to making them is another matter[&:]. It should all arrive tomorrow. There are a few things that I need to pick up locally, but all the heavy stuff is ordered. I feel as though I've ordered a lot, but most of the stuff is store cupboard food so will last me a while.

I've also ordered a new remote control for my VCR and a new oven tray for my oven. They both come from the same company so I've cut the cost on postage a little. My remote has been on it's last legs for a while now and the button that I needed to have it accept schedules has gone ~ very annoying! Another couple of buttons had gone before this, but they weren't so important! It's all very well having remote controls but it's frustrating when you can't use the front of the item to programme something! My oven tray has also seen better days. I'll probably hang on to it for a while and use it for things that are in dishes instead of things that need to be put on the tray directly though.

It's turned very cold here. Some places locally were going to be -5 last night. That may not be cold to everyone but it is for me! Lots of frost and fog about. Makes me want to hibernate.



agapetos -> RE: Dancing to a different drummer (11/22/2007 11:28:04 PM)

Well I saw my psychologist on Monday. We discussed the different things and I've been thinking since then about them. I've realised (again) that while I sometimes am aware of things that I need, I don't always feel confident about asking for them because of the respond I'd get. Need to discuss this with her because there are issues that I need to look at, at some point (possibly). She's on leave for a couple of weeks so I won't see her for 4 weeks.

I saw my psychiatrist on Tuesday. He suggested an anti-depressant to throw into the cocktail of meds and has left me thinking about it. I'm not sure, but I can understand why he wants me to try it. Won't see him until after Christmas now.

Spoke to my nurse yesterday to rearrange an appointment and will be seeing him next week.

Spoke with my doctor today briefly about something else[:D]

I've been doing quite a lot of cooking (for me it's a lot anyhow) this week. I've broken it down into steps. When I can't sleep at 4am I chop something for a recipe (while watching tv/video) and then put it in the fridge until I'm going to use it. I could have cooked in the middle of the night, but am always so concerned about the smoke detector going off in the small hours (if mine goes off, my 10 neighbours alarms also go off[&:] ~ not the best way to keep good relations!).

So I cook during the day. I've been eating some of what I cook, putting some in the fridge for another time and then freezing some. It's a plan, not sure if it's going to work or not.

But the food is pretty good, even if I say so myself. I made roast chicken, garlic and borlotti bean soup this evening. I used black-eyed beans instead of borlotti because it's what I had. Very quick and easy.

I've also made stuffed aubergines, spicy aduki bean soup, beef stew and red pepper, corn and barley patties, which tasted good but the patties didn't work very well so I'm going to stuff the mix in something tomorrow!

I was given some 'keep fresh bags' earlier this year. Haven't a clue how they work but the theory is that they help keep foods fresher for longer so I put most of my veg (that came in the delivery the other day and I've not yet used) into them a couple of days ago.

My new remote arrived on Monday! It actually arrived on Saturday but I was out and the sorting office was closed when I got the note so couldn't pick it up until Monday. The baking tray also arrived. I'm soooo pleased about it!



agapetos -> RE: Dancing to a different drummer (11/26/2007 8:35:10 AM)

I confess I've been feeling a little strange recently. Yeah, I know, I'm a Brit, I'm always a little strange...

My mood is not great (still) but it's not really down either but I'm, I guess, feeling differently. When I saw the last (and different) psychologist last year, she expressed a view that there were different aspects of my personality (I'm going to stress that this isn't split personality I'm talking here!) and these often were affected by my mood. It was something that I'd felt for a number of years, but never really felt that I could voice to anyone (didn't really understand it, it was just my feelings).

Now though, I'm not sure where I am... the thoughts and feelings that I've had for so long about my life and experiences are still there, but it seems that I have other thoughts and feelings coming through ~ far more positive ones. And instead of my feeling that my mood is either 'good' or 'bad' I feel right now it's both[&:].

I guess when a we learn something we don't go from knowing nothing to knowing everything in a flash. I wonder if that is similar to what I'm going through? Am I learning to live with my health instead of just existing because of my health?

My last psychologist gave me a list of ideas of things to do when things are not good. When I saw my current psychologist last week that I'd realised this list was good, it wasn't just when things weren't good I should be doing them, I should be doing them when they were not so bad (and even good too). She was very good and didn't roll her eyes at me[;)]!

I've been suprised by the amount of cooking I've been doing over the past few weeks. I can follow recipes and so turn out reasonable meals, but I rarely do so (I don't count ready meals and pizzas here!). I see the cooking as a good sign.

I know that I've done other things in the past that are 'good' and I wonder if this is just a phase that I'm going through? Will the bubble burst on this one as it's done on others in the past? I guess that this is something that I'm afraid of.

I'm guessing only time will tell. It does feel different to things that I've done in the past to help myself, I think because of the 2 aspects of my personality that are in my mind right now. There is the 1 part that simply can't be bothered and then the other that sees that I need to take care of myself.

My last psychologist mentioned integrating the parts of my personality and perhaps that is what is going on...

Or, to quote a one-liner from a certain tv show...

Resistance is futile. You will be assimlated!

[:D][;)][:D]

I've been sleeping a lot better the past few nights (finally). I ended up going over to the big supermarket on Saturday to find some split yellow peas ~ I decided that it wasn't such a good idea in the end, given the number of customers, the noise, the state of the store and all... Had to laugh when I got my somewhat stressed self (and basket with a few more items than split peas in it) to the checkout and the checkout assistant looked at me with BIG smile and said 'It's been lovely and quiet in here today!'

The peas were for a dahl which I wanted to make ~ except I was too tired to make it after getting them and I didn't have any ginger either[&:]. I think I will do what I've been doing and have everything as ready as possible and make it tomorrow when I go out and buy some[:D]!



agapetos -> RE: Dancing to a different drummer (12/7/2007 2:49:19 PM)

It's been longer than I thought since I last wrote anything...

I saw my doctor last week and she'd received a letter from my psychiatrist about the antidepressant he'd suggested. I agreed to try it and see if it helps. I've opted for the solution over the capsules and was given a helpful little gadget that fits in the top of the bottle. Once fitted, I can invert the bottle and draw the right measure out with a syringe. Now why couldn't the company that make lithium provide me with one of those?

Sigh.

I haven't finished the letter to the company (lithium) yet but I shall be commenting on this gadget when I do ~ at a cost of 74p it's hardly going to break the bank!

Anyhows, I've been having some side effects from the new meds, but it's not been bad ~ hopefully they won't get bad now that I've increased to the full amount (today).

I'm still cooking stuff. I made a moussaka the other day ~ something that I love but don't make very often. Also made some barley bread ~ the health store had to order the flour in for me, but they sold the buttermilk I needed, and I had the pearl barley (when I said barley bread, I meant it! The recipe had barley flour, buttermilk, barley, salt and baking powder in it ~ oh and some water.) which was good. It's kind of expensive to make but I cut it as thinly as I could (it's very dense so you don't need a lot ~ reminds me of a good rye bread) but I'll make it again I think ~ maybe switching the buttermilk for sour milk or yogurt ~ and maybe using a different flour.

I bought some new kitchen scales yesterday. They're digital and very small and light compared to my old ones. Haven't used them yet, but I will[;)] I've got my eye on plenty of recipes.

A few weeks ago my nurse parked at the back of the property in a small drive. He was told that he wasn't allowed to park there so moved. I'd had permission from one of the previous trustees for my nurses to park there so emailed them when I heard my nurse had been told something else. I was told that there was no need for anyone to park there and the trustees had a strict no parking policy for the drive. I received an invitation from the trustees yesterday to a 'drinks and nibbles' in the schoolhouse/museum for tonight ~ and curiousity got the better of me! I didn't go, but did stick my head out of the back door ~ there were at least 3 cars parked in the drive! I know for sure that one of them belongs to a trustee.

Sigh.

I ordered some plants what seems like months ago and they finally arrived a couple of days back. I've put some in the garden and have to figure out what to do with the rest. I'm concerned that the wild weather we're having at the moment will kill them. The ones I've put in are covered by cloches. I do have some fleece that I can cover them with.

It's just over a week until I see my psychologist again. It's been rather strange not seeing her for so long, but I think it's been good for me. I feel more relaxed about the sessions finishing now than I have done, though I suspect that I will find it difficult, because she's a great lady.

I've been thinking of things that I'd like to do. I started some OU courses (OU = Open University, distance learning) a while back (years) but never finished them because I found it so hard to concentrate (I think I tried to do too much at once to be honest) and plan things. I've been thinking of seeing if I can pick them up again, or some other course. I've been kind of interested in food and nutrition for a while now and I wonder if it'd be something I learn more about. One of the last courses was astronomy and I'd love to pick that up again ~ would have to dig all the stuff out for it because it's something I could do just for personal satisfaction.



agapetos -> RE: Dancing to a different drummer (12/14/2007 5:52:41 PM)

Well, I'm not sure if I have some bug or it's a side-effect of the medication but I've been feeling a bit off colour all week ~ kind of like having travel sickness. It's kind of frustrating because I don't feel really ill (like I should take to my bed) but I don't feel well enough to do anything really (though I have). I did manage to bring my blood test forward to this morning (it was next Tuesday) incase it's medication related.

I did pull everything that could be moved out of my bathroom yesterday and cleaned it[:D] Then I put the stuff I wanted in there back and have a box with stuff I'm not really sure what to do with right now[&:] But it's all very nice and clean. Have to get some bleach to do the grouting to finish it properly. I want to move my bedroom around a bit ~ if nothing else, my bed. I'm aiming to do that tomorrow, depends on how I feel.

I made a sesame cornbread the other day. It was a 50/50 mix of cornmeal and ground sesame seeds. It also had poppy seeds in it. I'm not sure if it was the poppy seeds or the sesame, but there was a really strong taste. I'm going to try it again but use a mix of sunflower, pumpkin and the last of my sesame seeds (all ground). I may also try it with just cornmeal. I also made a red rice salad. Not sure why I made it because it called for kidney beans (which I don't much like) and dried blueberries (and I have hang-ups about fruit in savory dishes). It was really good so I'll be making it again.

My blender gave up the ghost the other day (on the sesame seeds!) so I've ordered a new one (ok, so it's a food processer!). The store I ordered from had them on offer and I had another 10% discount too[:D] I also ordered a saucepan set (that was on offer). It will make things a bit hard this month, but both will be used (my last saucepans got thrown out last week because they were so old and grotty ~ they'd lasted for quite a few years though so deserved retirement! Hopefully both will be here next week sometime.



agapetos -> RE: Dancing to a different drummer (12/18/2007 6:33:28 PM)

It's been about 10 years since I first came to CW (although it wasn't CW back then). I used chat back then. I wanted somewhere that I could talk to people and not have a screen full of obscenities. I wasn't a Christian then. I figured that I could put up with a bit of 'God talk' if there was ordinary talk too!

CW has changed (not just the name either!) a lot since then. It's grown and developed and improved.

I think there are only a few people I know now from talking to them back then. As I came to my blog tonight to ramble some more, I noticed Fritz has started a blog here too. He (and his wife) were 2 of the people who've hung around. I treasure the memories I have of some of the folk I've chatted (or known through forums) to over the years because of the blessings they've been in my life. Sometimes we aren't always able to keep people in our lives as long as we would like, but it's still a blessing to have known them.

I saw my psychologist yesterday. It was really good to share some positives with her ~ like studying nutrition. I realised afterwards that while I'd thought of things like this, I had seldom dared to voice them ~ I think my blog entry of last week was the first time I'd mentioned it. I won't see her again until next year and think I have 5 sessions left. There are some issues that we haven't really touched on and I don't want to go into depth about them with her now, but I think it will be worth exploring whether (at some point in the future) I'd benefit from some extra therapy so that will take up at least part of 1 session.

I'd stopped taking my new medication at the w/end because I was feeling so [:'(]. I mentioned it to my psychologist and said I'd speak with my doctor once I'd got home to get advice. I told her (my psychologist) that I'd considered phoning the out-of-hours service to speak with someone but reasoned there was little they could do other than tell me to stop taking the meds, which I'd already done!

I called my doc's secretary and she said that my doc was running very late that day so couldn't promise what time. While I was waiting it occured to me to try my psychiatrist. I spoke with him and explained the situation. He suggested I start taking it again, at a low dose, and go up very gradually as and when I feel ready. I'm happy to do that, though I did ask for a few days to just feel right again and he was happy with that. Then I called my doc's secretary back and cancelled the call! I didn't think of it at the time, but later, it was really nice to have trusted my instincts again and known that something was not quite right, and done something, rather than keep on doing something that wasn't right as I've done in the past.

I made some soda bread today. There's just something about warm bread that's moreish isn't there? It's hard to resist. The soda bread turned out well ~ I used spelt flour instead of wholewheat and added sunflower and pumpkin seeds because bread with bits (and the seeds are good bits!) in is better for you than bread without bits[:D]!



agapetos -> RE: Dancing to a different drummer (12/22/2007 7:00:50 PM)

My new saucepans arrived on Tuesday (I think!) and I really like the handles on them. I made some soup this afternoon and it was much easier to lift the saucepan with the little handle there too!

I am aiming to make some seed bread tomorrow. It has 4 different kinds of seed in it, plus the bits from the wholewheat flour so should be an interesting texture. I keep trying to cut out wheat, but it never seems to really work for long! I also want to make some fruit jellies. I saw a recipe on a tv programme a while back and thought they looked very pretty (the jelly is very light coloured and there is soft fruit in it) and then I found a recipe for them[:D]

Haven't used my food processor yet, but I'm sure that I will shortly. I could mix the bread dough with it[;)] and there's a cake I'd like to try, but I'm not sure when I'll get round to it. I think there's a lot of gadgets and gizmos on it and it'll take me some time to figure them all out. Lots of things I want to make, just can't make them all at once (and I don't think I could eat them all at once either[;)]).

I'm going to restart taking my new medication again on Monday and am hoping that I'll find the slower increase easier to deal with. I noticed on the new bottle there were different ingredients and I didn't like some of them. I spoke with the pharmacy about it and they're going to order the other one in specially for me.

I spoke with my mother yesterday. Or rather she spoke with me. Her dog had eaten something and made himself sick so I got all the details of trips to the vets and phone calls and such. By the time I called, the dog was fine, but she didn't tell me this ~ she started talking about how she'd had to look after the dogs that belonged to a friend of hers at the same time and then talked about where her friend was going, and why and who they saw and she thought they had a good time[&:] She did finally tell me the dog was better (but apparently did try and look sorry for himself from time-to-time[;)]).

My blood test results came back as being within range, but at the high end of the range. I'm not too worried about another test just yet as I'll be on such a low dose of the new meds and I'll be seeing my psychiatrist in the New Year so it can wait until then!

I can't believe that we're near the end of 2007. This year seems to have flown by. I've been hearing of folk planning they resolutions for New Year already. I confess that I'm not one for making resolutions at this time. I don't believe there should be a specific time to do something new and I don't believe the fact we're going into a new year will make much of a difference to whether we actually keep those resolutions. I would however like to keep and impove the relatively healthy eating I'm starting to develop (it's slow, but I'm getting better at it) and I'd like to get back to the gym or some form of exercise. That's harder though because I simply don't want to go anywhere when it's so cold outside. So they're 2 of the things I'd like to do in the coming year, though probably not in January!

Longest night has passed. Now the days start getting longer again[:D] though it doesn't get any warmer[&:]. I can't help feeling there's something wrong with that! Never mind.



agapetos -> RE: Dancing to a different drummer (12/24/2007 12:44:12 PM)

I went into the next town this morning. I had a book and a baking tray I wanted to return and I wanted to pick a couple of things up. I thought the town would be really busy but it was fairly quiet, given it was Christmas Eve. I only spent an hour or so doing what I needed to do.

When I ordered my saucepans, I ordered a silicon baking tray as well. Then I checked in one store (online) and found that I could have bought a set of silicone bakeware for just a little more than what I paid for the single tray. That was one of my returns and one of the items I bought[:D] One of the items in the set was a loaf tin, and as mine was pretty old and tatty and the non-stick doesn't seem to work any more, I needed a new one. I made some bread yesterday and the loaf tin was even more battered after I'd made the bread (and fought to get it out) than it had been in the beginning!

The bread (the seed bread that I mentioned before) was really good though, just a bit broken up! I've never used silicone bakeware before but I'm hoping that it will be ok. I've heard good reports of it.

I've just been out to the school house because the smoke detectors went off. Not mine! There aren't many people here at the moment because of Christmas but only 2 of us turned out to check on things. I managed to turn the alarm off. I think I know who's alarm it was but it's frustrating when they don't come out of their house. (The smoke detectors are connected electronically to each of the houses/flats so if someone sets them off in one house, everyone else gets to hear the noise[:'(]. The master switch which resets the system is located in teh school house/museum here.)

I bought some really pretty and very cheap glasses to put my fruit jellies in the other day (when I get round to making them!) and found, when I got them home, one of them was damaged slightly so took them back today. I'm a bit disappointed about that ~ and I didn't see any others that I liked as well.

It's Christmas Eve evening and I'm going to find some food and then put something fun on TV and hope Munchie will curl up with me and keep me warm!

Have a blessed Christmas[:D]



agapetos -> RE: Dancing to a different drummer (12/27/2007 10:02:26 PM)

Well, Christmas is over[;)] I've not ventured out to the sales and not really bothered about doing so, but I'll probably head into the next town either tomorrow or next week. I did pick up some bargins in the health store there last year.

I've got my eye on something but haven't decided about it yet. It's a thermal cooker ~ a big one! The idea is that you start cooking your stew or casserole for an hour as usual on the hob and then put it in the thermos where it sits and continues to cook and stay hot for several hours and it's half the usual price. It's supposed to save money on electricity ~ which it would if you only have the power on for an hour instead of 2 or even 3 hours. It would mean my kitchen wouldn't get all steamed up too! By the time I decide, it'll probably be sold out though[:D]

I spent Christmas at home. I was invited to friends but I'd slept very badly and was feeling a bit off-colour. They had dropped their presents off to me on Christmas Eve though. One of the things they gave me was some sented wooden balls. I put them on my radiator and the heat intensifies the smell so my lounge smells really good[:D] It was a good day though ~ I vegged out and watched a lot of tv.

Then the smoke detectors went off on Christmas Day night/Boxing Day morning (it was about 3am so figure out for yourselves which day it was!). Different house this time. Not everyone crawls out of bed to see what's going on (but I'm pretty sure they don't sleep through it!). I did (it's quieter outside. It got sorted out and there was nothing to worry about which is good. Took me ages to get back to sleep again though.

I made some bread in my new silicone loaf 'tin' the other day and it was really good. Was the same recipe that I'd used that finished my last (metal) tin off by getting stuck, but this didn't get stuck[:D] I like it!



agapetos -> RE: Dancing to a different drummer (12/31/2007 7:46:46 PM)

It's the New Year[:D][:D]

I've been busy the past few days, doing things around the house and going shopping in the sales[;)]. I think I did quite well, I did buy things, but didn't go too overboard as I have done in the past.

Ten years ago tomorrow, I became a Christian. It doesn't seem possible really. So much has happened in that time and I have changed and my relationship with God has changed more than I would ever thought possible. His love for me is truely incredible. I can but wonder where I'll be in the next 10 years!

I said before that I wasn't really into New Year Resolutions, and I'm not. I have however decided to keep on changing things as I have done over the past few months, one step at a time (hence my new siggy). Spiritually, mentally, physically, environmentally, whateverally[:)]. I know that some people can make radical changes in their life and stick to them but I'm not one of them. I like to make my changes gradually and somewhat more securely, to be sure that one step is in place and solid before moving on to the next. I know this can't always be done, but I will be doing my best to keep applying it to every aspect of my life.

The past month or so has been much brighter for me mentally. When I've spoken to the people involved with my health care I've mentioned to them a time when I felt like this ~ it was March of 2006. It is only now, as I feel like that again, I realise how rough things were for me in the intervening period ~ and for a long time before that. While many thought that I was well (and I frequently thought and said that I was ok) I realise now that things weren't right.

I will sound pessermistic when I say I don't know if the way I feel now is going to stay with me for much longer. I don't always expect life to be good, everyone has their problems, but it's how we manage them and cope with them in relation to what's happened in the past. Given that I have bipolar it's highly possible that my mood will change at some point. I would like to think that the changes will be less extreme than they have and instead of pulling me under, I am able to surf the wave.

There have been times when I just haven't wanted to bother with life any longer. Trying new medications and therapy seemed such an effort. My doctor and my psychiatrist have been so incredibly supportive of me and given me so much time and encouragement. I am truely blessed to have them in my life.

I'm also blessed to have had the psychologist that I've had over the past 6-8 months. She's been supportive, caring, challanging and sensitive in all the work she has done with me.

I thank God for bringing these people into my life, for giving so much of theirs to help others, and for not giving up on believing that with appropriate medication and treatment I could have a more positive future.



agapetos -> RE: Dancing to a different drummer (1/8/2008 7:33:01 AM)

I saw my psychologist yesterday, after a very sleepless night. I'm glad that I got to my appointment because I really do hate cancelling, though I don't think my brain was fully there, and I wasn't feeling brilliant either.

It was an interesting session and we talked about negative and positive feedback and how I reacted when I received it from people. It's not always entirely comfortable to listen to people tell you things that aren't true, but she is pretty sensitive in how she speaks to me and while I would much rather deny it, she was right in that it's far easier for me to accept negative feedback than it is positive. Although there were some aspects of the Christmas period that I found hard, and my mood's a bit lower, I've noticed a shift in the way I've been thinking and am trying to keep up with good patterns in my life.

I walked into town afterwards to return the pasta machine that I'd bought (it was faulty) and also some books. I picked up a few things in the sales ~ including a wrap that she further reduced because it had a tiny (and easily repairable) hole in the back of it. I picked some black thread up in another store (to repair the wrap) and found out that it hadn't been put in the bag when I got home. I called the store today and the lady I spoke to told me not to worry but go in and they would replace it for me[:D]

I woke up feeling not too brilliant today again. I've had a pain at the bottom of my rib cage for ages but it didn't seem to affect anything. Over the w/end it's become more painful though and my ear and throat are, while not painful exactly, uncomfortable and I've had a persistant mild headache. I've got a doctor's appointment for Thursday (I made it last week, but I honestly can't remember why now[&:]) so will get it all checked out then. I'd say it was a cold, but it doesn't feel like that.

While waiting for a delivery, my phone rang and it was my doctor's secretary ~ my doctor wants to see me for a review. I told her that I had an appointment with her Thursday so she was happy with that. Not sure what the review is for, could be a number of things. Because I have bipolar I am 'invited' to go for a health check each year and I'll be due for that at the end of this month. I've also had a change in medication and it could be because of that or it could be that she hasn't seen me for a while and just misses me[;)][:D] I should have asked her secretary really but the phone call was unexpected and I didn't have my thoughts with me. I'm hoping that it's not the health check she wanted to see me about though (especially if I'm still not feeling brilliant).

The delivery arrived. It included a new pasta machine. I unpacked it and noticed some marks on the top of it which wouldn't come off. Irritating, but not essential to the running of the thing and I had not desire to send it back or return it again. I also ordered a stepper machine. I lugged the box upstairs (which is where it will live) and unpacked it ~ to find that the wires that are meant to run from the handles to the steps had been severed by bad packing[:'(]. I phoned the company and they are arranging a replacement to be sent out on Thursday afternoon. As I was on the phone with them, I also commented on the pasta machine and asked if they'd be prepared to offer me some discount on it. They were[:)]. They took £5 off the total price (which was half price anyway because it was in the sale).



agapetos -> RE: Dancing to a different drummer (1/11/2008 9:45:20 AM)

I saw my doctor yesterday for a review. It went well and was good to talk a few issues over, although I did manage to walk out of her office and remember that I'd forgotten to ask her something about blood tests[&:]

She prescribed antibiotics for the chest infection but said that they may not have any effect on the throat infection[&:], that may just take time to clear up.

I did sleep last night though and woke up late this morning. My throat was still sore and my cough was still there but I felt better for having slept for quite a few hours.

My stepper arrived yesterday and I returned the old one. I put it together and have used it a couple of times. Although it's not my favourite piece of gym equipment, I'm glad that I got it ~ it doesn't take up much room and I think I'll be inclined to use it more times during the day (for short periods).

Other than the doctors, I've not really done much this week because of feeling[:'(]. Munchie has been pretty good except for Tuesday when she wouldn't let me sleep during the day for some reason ~ she kept crying pitifully and jumping on me, so whether I was breathing funny and it spooked her or whether she was just been a monster, I don't know[&:]



agapetos -> RE: Dancing to a different drummer (1/20/2008 8:08:35 PM)

Well, I still have the virus. I spoke with my doc last week and she said (again) that it's taking folk 2-3 weeks to get over it. I've had it for (just) 2 weeks now (feels more like 6 months though) so it should be improving soon.

I was due to see my psychologist tomorrow (Monday) but called her on Wednesday to cancel the appointment. I reasoned that even if I was feeling better my sleep may still be messed up some and I didn't want to stress out about not sleeping. We arranged an appointment for next week instead. She 'prescribed' hot fruit juice drinks and taking care of myself (ie not giving myself a hard time over cancelling appointments and such).

I also spoke with my psychiatrist's secretary and we decided on an 'If I'm there, I'm there' approach to the appointment I was due to have last week. She said if I wasn't there she would have him call me. I wasn't there but he didn't read the note properly so didn't call until later. Have arranged an appointment for him at the beginning of February! He did agree that I could stop taking one of my meds though to see if I did ok without it[:D]

I also cancelled my appointment with my nurse and we agreed I'd call him when I was feeling better.

Oddly enough, I've not really used my stepper[&:]



agapetos -> RE: Dancing to a different drummer (1/30/2008 5:33:25 AM)

Hmm... seems to be an age since I posted last. Right now, the sun is shining and Munchie is looking out of the window behind the computer. That window is one of her favourite spots and the sun shines in it most of the day. She's been very good over the past few weeks and not fussed at me for anything (she likes eating at set times). Often she's stayed downstairs, leaving me in peace but sometimes she's just come up to sit quietly on my bed with me and that's been a comfort.

I saw my psychologist on Monday and decided that I'd sound a bit rough again[&:] though I'd been feeling better. My throat has started to get sore again, but nothing like it had been over the past weeks. Still getting tired though and I'm not eating that much really so I'm trying to be careful about what I do. Having said that....

I started to rearrange my bedroom and catch up on laundry. I've amassed lots of laundry from the past few weeks when I haven't felt like doing any and am now waging war on it while trying not to wipe myself out physically. Four loads have been done (2 of those were bedding) and I have several more to do. Hopefully that'll be sorted in the next few days. The catches on both dryers here have broken (though they are still useable at the moment) and I've contacted the landlord ~ hopefully it won't be long before he can sort them and I won't have to worry about not being able to get things dry!

Not quite sure why I started to rearrange my bedroom. I guess it's because I've been in it quite a bit recently and had ideas of what I could do. I'm doing little bits here and there as and when I feel like doing something.

Haven't done any cooking really and don't much have the inclination to do any right now. I need to take some food out of the freezer though so I can have something good to eat ~ then maybes I'll start to feel like cooking again!



agapetos -> RE: Dancing to a different drummer (2/5/2008 10:18:38 AM)

I realised this morning that one of the worst places to cut yourself with glass was on your feet! I bought a water caraffe and glass just before Christmas (it was very cheap but functional). I took great care of it and when I started moving things around in my bedroom, put the caraffe careful on top of my VCR (seemed the safest place since I wasn't going to be moving my VCR!). I sorted some laundry out last week and swung the bag over my shoulder... yep, broke the caraffe[:(]. I thought I'd picked up all the bits of broken glass but this morning found one ~ or should I say my foot found it[&:]. It didn't bleed much but I figured a plaster would help when I went out. Naturally walking on my cut caused it to bleed some more and then the sticky plaster stuck to my sock[&:].

I saw my psychiatrist today and he's delighted that I'm so much better than I was last year. He's not made another appointment for me to see him (on the grounds it's kind of unnecessary!) and I agree totally. He has said that I can always contact him if necessary, or if my doctor or nurse feel it's necessary. While I am obviously delighted that he thinks I'm well enough to not need to see him, I will miss him so feel a certain sadness about that.

I was posting in another thread today and mentioned therapy. Someone commented that God is the only one who can heal us, and this is true. I do believe though that my GP, psychologist and psychiatrist have been the instruments in the healing that has occured in me. I thank God for them.

While my mood swings my still occur from time to time, I believe they have been lessened due to my medications. The deep underlying depression that has hung around with me for so long may be greatly lessened greatly if it reoccurs. And perhaps I'll be better able to deal with mood swings and depressions in the future.

I spent some time with some friends at the w/end. It was great to see them again, though they're having some problems with one of their children which is sad to know about. We talked about treatment that they have been getting and treatment that may be worth them looking into. I encoraged the wife to see one of the lady doctors I know at the surgery we both go to ~ on the basis that at the very least they will listen to her and that may make her load a little easier. I do think that the doctor that they've been seeing could offer a little more than he has done though.

Interestingly we touched on my health problems and my thoughts on medications and therapy. For the first time, I explained things more fully about how my moods had affected me before I started to take medication (going to bed terribly low and waking up feeling wonderful and vice versa etc) and it seemed good to do. I didn't feel I was explaining things to them to have them feel sorry for me, just so they could understand a little better.

Amongst all the talk of health we had some fun. I was at the dinner table while the parents were dealing with their oldest and youngest children and I was talking with the middle child, a boy who's 6. I'd taken a fresh pineapple with me and he decided that he didn't want any (but had been given 3 chunks by his mother!). I suggested that he eat some more cucumber if he didn't want the pineapple and he did this. While we were talking, he made a comment about the size of the chunks. I asked him if I cut them smaller would he eat them. He said he would eat 4 pieces, but proceded to eat 5.

I'd also taken some crisps and chocolate finger biscuits because we were going to play some games after the children had gone to bed. The husband pulled a face when he saw what flavour they were so his wife and I ate most of them between us. At one point he got out some other crisps and I made a comment to his wife about adding one of the crisps I'd bought to the others to see if he really didn't like them, or even if he'd notice. His wife followed my suggestion ~ he noticed and his face was a picture[:D]

As we were eating the finger biscuits, I pointed out they were better for you than the usual ones (I'd bought chocolate finger biscuits, not shortcake finger biscuits) because you got less in the box so would put on less weight!

Physically I feel so much better from the virus I had. I still feel as though I've been kicked in the side by a mule but hopefully, that will pass soon. I've started to eat more regularly again too. I intend to make some barley bread tomorrow ~ have to soak the barley tonight first though. The recipe uses buttermilk but I couldn't get any, so am going to try with yogurt instead.



agapetos -> RE: Dancing to a different drummer (2/8/2008 4:29:33 AM)

I went into the next town on Wednesday. I'd bought something in last month and decided I didn't like it and needed to return it while I could. I looked in one of my favourite clothes shops at some of the new ranges and sale items and picked up a couple of jumpers, a top and a knitted jacket that is soft and snuggly (as are the jumpers). The jumpers will go well with several skirts that I have, so I'm feeling very pleased with it all.

I also bought some plants for my garden ~ some bleeding hearts and something unpronounceable (but pretty) and a red gooseberry bush and I bought some pink fir potatoes for planting. I'd thought about ordering a potato barrel but didn't really want to spend the money, but have seen that I can what looks like a bag of compost for growing potatoes that I can just plant the potatoes straight in[:D].

I started sorting through my kitchen cupboards yesterday, writing down everything that is in them, and I intend to do the same with my freezer and fridge. I've done this before but never stuck kept it up. I just need to now because I don't know what I have where (except I have very little in my fridge right now[&:]) and need to know so I can plan meals better and budget better and not end up with lots of something and none of something else! I also want to start compiling a list of essentials that I should never run out of.

I booked an optician's appointment for today but am going to cancel it and make it for next week sometime. I also booked an appointment with my hairdresser for next week so figure that may affect how new glasses (which I strongly suspect I'll need) will look on me to an extent, so I'll have the test and choose at the same time.

I ordered some new supplies for Munchie and discovered that a company I'd used some years back now offers free postage if you spend over a certain amount and they've stopped charging the excess (for heavy items) which was the main reason I stopped using them. I spent enough to qualify for free postage too[:D].

Didn't get to make the barley bread, because I didn't soak the barley, but I'll get there at some point soon[:D]. I want to make a pumpkin and mushroom lasagne too. Sigh... so much to do... so little time to do it in...[;)][:D]



agapetos -> RE: Dancing to a different drummer (2/10/2008 7:45:55 AM)

My sister called me today to tell me that our mother's sister died in the early hours of this morning. She was diagnosed with throat cancer a few years ago and was treated, however it returned. She had an operation at the beginning of this week and was recovering well from it. My sister said that the operation was very close to one of her major blood vessels in her neck and thought that it had ruptured. Her death was very unexpected, but mercifully for her, very quick.

Speaking with my father yesterday, his sister is also very unwell. She has lung cancer. She has been using an oxygen mask for some time, and they've recently increased the size of it. There is talk of her going into hospital to stabilise her some. My aunt isn't terribly forthcoming on details though.



agapetos -> RE: Dancing to a different drummer (2/13/2008 10:53:43 AM)

Well, I feel like I've had a busy week and it's only Wednesday and I can't remember what I did on Monday[:D] other than put lots of stuff out for the dustbin collection Tuesday[&:].

Yesterday I went to the hairdressers and had quite a lot cut off. For the first time I decided not to have layers cut into my hair and it's about shoulder length, instead of being really short. My hairdresser also used the straighteners on my hair too, so it looks really different! I like it though and have straightners here (I think!) somewhere so can use them now (hopefully!).

I also looked through my freezer and fridge and wrote down everything I had in them. Didn't take long for the fridge, but the freezer seemed to take forever. I had started to organise my cupboards and decided yesterday there was a much simpler way than the way I'm doing it. Fortunately changing it won't be difficult. I've decided that my next 'big' purchase is going to be an upright freezer. The one I have at the moment is a chest freezer and so I can't put anything on it. Getting a chest freezer will give me an additional work surface that I don't have to keep clearing off ~ something that's very much needed in my kitchen!

Today I did lots of laundry and some stuff in the kitchen. I also took Munchie to the vets to have her claws trimmed. She let me trim them last year but wasn't so obliging this time and I decided it would be much easier to have the nurse do it. She also checked her teeth and said they were perfect, so the change I made in her food has been worth the cost[:D]

Tonight I am babysitting and tomorrow I shall be doing some more on the house, and it'll probably be similar on Friday unless I run away into the next town to do some shopping!

It's been wonderful weather here for a while now, cold but bright and very sunny. If it stays like this my father and stepmother will be coming down this w/end. So far the weather is looking good[:D]

Edited to add: I've also phoned the OU (Open University, it's a very good distance learning university here) and asked for the list of courses that they do. Right now I only want the short courses but I'm looking forward to receiving the prospectus for them.



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