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RE: I'm worried I might leave Husband someday - 10/17/2007 2:54:26 AM
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Hislittleone
Posts: 624
Joined: 7/13/2007
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I can understand how you are feeling. I used to feel like that about my husband. Over the 12 years we've been together (on again off again) I've felt attraction and many times I've been completely unattracted to him physically----sometimes even repulsed. It's a hard place to be in. It's not like you don't want to desire your husband. I think that you do. However, I think that the way you are handling this problem is destructive. Thinking of other men in your past serves NO GOOD PURPOSE. It will only make you more unhappy with your husband. Thinking of divorce in the future means you are not 100% committed to the relationship. Physical attraction can change. Ever heard someone say that the more they got to know a person the more attracted they were to them? It CAN CHANGE! You need to be fully committed no matter what. Love is a decision, not a feeling. You need to STOP thinking about men in the past. Start concentrating on the positive aspects of your husband's appearance and character. Give it MORE TIME. You've only been married 2 years. I know it may seem like a long time to you but it's really not. If he has issue like bad breath, completely out of shape, body odor, or poor dental hygiene then you must gently address that issue with him. I've had to do that and I'm glad I did. As my dh grows and changes into a loving, Godly husband I find myself more and more attracted to him. Just know that your situation can and will change......if you want it to and are willing to give it time.
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RE: I'm worried I might leave Husband someday - 10/17/2007 7:40:29 AM
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kmangel
Posts: 467
Joined: 4/12/2005
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quote:
ORIGINAL: Jenny-Fair
Guys, I think you are falling into the same trap as the OP by believing that this situation has only two possible outcomes--a miserable marriage or a divorce.
It is so easy to think with fleshly minds and not the mind of Christ. Satan is at work in putting such thoughts in believers' hearts. I agree with you Jenny-Fair. There is Satan's way, our way, the world's way and God's way. Which way is easier? Certainly not God's.
_____________________________
Heaven goes by favor. If it went by merit, you would stay out and your dog would go in.
--Mark Twain
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RE: I'm worried I might leave Husband someday - 10/17/2007 10:26:49 AM
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um_lilly
Posts: 33
Joined: 6/20/2007
From: The Carolinas
Status: offline
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What are you not attracted to? Is he overweight, underweight, got a watermelon head, or a peanut head, etc?
I'm just curious as to why you are not physically attracted to him?
My husband has a peanut head, but I have a big head.
My husband is thin, but I am thick.
My husband is tan, but I am white.
You get the picture, right?
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RE: I'm worried I might leave Husband someday - 10/17/2007 1:53:01 PM
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Interceder
Posts: 10
Joined: 10/16/2007
From: Ontario Canada
Status: offline
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I'm new but have a thought or two about this. Many words of wisdom and truth on this already in the posts.
My comments are about the truth of making your marriage work. It's like being a Christian, a work in progress, marriage is an on going process. You must DECIDE to love and respect and desire your husband. You are talking yourself in circles by thinking of divorce as an option. It is not! As long as you feel that way you will not make the commitment required to make a marriage work.
During a really difficult time in my own marriage I realized that we had slipped apart by the pressures of daily life with three cildren and some serious trust issues. My own feelings were not what they had been for my husband. After much prayer I realized I had to DECIDE to love my husband again. One of the things we did was to write love letters each day (for about two weeks). We had to point out in our letters things that were positive and or loving about each other. I can't tell you how much difference we made looking into each others hearts and feeling loved again. It was like falling in love all over. Look into his heart and take your mind off yourself.
I know you said you have never loved him that way but I'm telling you it is possible to fall in love with your husband. Every day you have to decide to love him and do it. You have to decide to enjoy him and desire him. My prayers are going to be that you will be blessed with a fulfilling marriage and just as the others have said, it will take time and commitment.
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RE: I'm worried I might leave Husband someday - 10/17/2007 3:20:12 PM
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lilannabelle
Posts: 4
Joined: 10/2/2007
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I'm curious... have you meant someone new & attractive to you making you further "repulsed" by your husband? Something must have happened for this to become such an issue 2 years into the marriage. I don't know if I believe you could be so physically unattracted to another & then marry them even though you were repulsed. How would one consimate the marriage? Don't make any foolish, impulsive decissions based on physical grattification. Satan would like nothing more than to destroy a christian marriage & the Godly people in it.
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RE: I'm worried I might leave Husband someday - 10/17/2007 9:39:29 PM
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tfkeel
Posts: 54
Joined: 4/19/2005
From: Pennsylvania
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Nothing "happened" - the OP stated that she married him feeling this way about him already.....
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[Deleted] - 10/18/2007 1:18:48 AM
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Deleted User
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[Deleted by Admins]
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RE: I'm worried I might leave Husband someday - 10/18/2007 8:51:12 AM
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lightshineon
Posts: 3553
Joined: 4/11/2005
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Well to be honest my husband said the same thing when I read this to him. he said she should leave him now not drag it out though I disagree,he felt sorry for the husband.
_____________________________
Remember, whenever you have pearls, there are always plenty of pigs nearby who would be glad to step on them.
F.T., 2007
Be sure you vote for those, whose views you want your children to emulate.
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RE: I'm worried I might leave Husband someday - 10/18/2007 10:00:37 AM
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blessednw
Posts: 724
Joined: 4/12/2006
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quote:
ORIGINAL: FlowersInJune
So-- HERE'S MY PROBLEM:
It hurts my heart every day to look at my husband and know that I just don't feel for him the way He feels about me. I have struggled deeply over this during our marriage and I have prayed constantly that God would make me attracted to him and make me WANT him... but no matter how much I choose to believe the Truth (that God's heart for me is to have the FULLNESS of love and life in Christ in my marriage)... it still feels like I'll never have that attraction and connection with my H.
In the back of my mind I think I might leave him someday because of this.
I hate living this way in my heart and I hate not being grateful for my amazing Man of God... but it feels hopeless...
any encouragement would be great. thanks.
Sister,
The enemy has got you convinced that your husband is somehow defective, when from what you say, he is in right standing with God and is doing his duty by you.
lust is never a substitute for gratitude and the desire to please the other. Pray for godly sister friends that love their husbands and ask God to change your heart.
Surface attraction has nothing to do with character. If you marry for appearances, you will only ge t those. What really makes someone attractive is their heart and soul. That is what God says matters to Him, and He says He wants us to be like Him.
_____________________________
This is now bone of my bones, and flesh of my flesh.....
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RE: I'm worried I might leave Husband someday - 10/18/2007 2:49:20 PM
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tfkeel
Posts: 54
Joined: 4/19/2005
From: Pennsylvania
Status: offline
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quote:
he felt sorry for the husband.
You bet..... I know exactly what it is like to be him.
I can just hear it now.... "...I want to marry you but I find you physically repulsive and there are other men who I find attractive and desirable but you have the "qualities" I'm looking for...."
I somehow fail to believe this statement is the basis on which this husband accepted the marriage and says to his wife that "....you are the only one for me...."....
Sorry, but I see the action of keeping this man tied to his vows with her feeling the way she does as a WORSE SIN than divorce would ever be.
< Message edited by tfkeel -- 10/18/2007 2:55:33 PM >
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RE: I'm worried I might leave Husband someday - 10/18/2007 3:46:48 PM
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laura...
Posts: 2842
Joined: 3/1/2005
From: NE Ohio
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I'm convinced that physical attraction is mostly hormonal. It's design and purpose is to help bond a man and woman together. That strong attraction produces a desire to be with each other all the time. When I was dating my husband and for the first year of our marriage I didn't want to be away from him at all. I would miss him intensely when I was at work. It's toned down some now. That bonding strengthens the marriage for tougher times. When circumstances make my husband not look quite so attractive (when he's covered in grease and smelly from work) I remind myself how attractive he was in the beginning and then I can kiss him through the dirt. LOL!! When I'm not feeling particularly affectionate, I remind myself how much we craved each other as newlyweds and suddenly I'm feeling a lot more affectionate. In the beginning the hormones helped produce the bond, now the bond helps produce the hormones.
Now, how does this apply to your situation? Based on your statement in this thread's op that you weren't very attracted to him when you were married and your other thread stating that your career takes you out of town for days in a row, I'm pretty sure that you did not experience that "I need and want to be with you all the time" bonding process that happens at the beginning of marriage. I suggest you try replicating it. Spend as much time as possible alone with your husband. You may not have had the hormonal catalyst for bonding but you can still bond by choice. The more you choose to love your husband the more you will feel love for your husband. The more you choose to be close to him the closer you will become. The closer you get and the more you love the more attractive he will become.
How can you know this will work? Because you can choose to make it work and God will help you be successful.
_____________________________
This is what the Lord says: “Stop at the crossroads and look around. Ask for the old, godly way, and walk in it. Travel its path, and you will find rest for your souls. But you reply, ‘No, that’s not the road we want!’ Jer 6:16
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RE: I'm worried I might leave Husband someday - 10/18/2007 5:55:16 PM
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dkgnew
Posts: 107
Joined: 4/20/2006
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this is a little tongue-in-cheek, so follow closely.
This happens to men all the time, especially today when women have sooo MANY tools, techniques, and equipments, and special effects to make themselves look 100 times more beautiful than they are, then you the guy comes home one day and finds a woman looking nothing like the wife he thought he knew         . The makeup is gone, no nail tips, no wig, no push-up bra or girdle, no mascara or eyeshadow, or extension lashes,.
he finds her home in a head scarf, long flannel gown with matted hair, ketchup stains, and the list goes on.
well, you got to deal with it!
One thing I know is, it is (or was) your responsibility to see him as he is and make a decision in your mind that if he should be even more disfigured by some accident or sickness you would still be there for him, loving him just the same. I love my wife just the way she is, if she never changes, and somedays she does not want to dress up, but she is still beautiful to me. If you can't say that, you need to change the way you're thinking. Beauty is all about the way we think. if you really love this man, and want to be with him, Trust me, God will help you change your way of seeing him.
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RE: I'm worried I might leave Husband someday - 10/18/2007 11:48:38 PM
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saraimay75
Posts: 7884
Joined: 5/11/2005
From: Wherever God plants me.
Status: offline
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quote:
ORIGINAL: freakybeatnik
quote:
ORIGINAL: tfkeel
This was the situation of my first wife and me. She had a quadriplegic CP son whose father had abandoned them. She admitted to me before she died that she "thought it was God's will" to marry me because I was the first man who was willing to take her son and be his dad and love him as my own.....and that I was a christian, etc....
I want to tell you that she would have hurt me less if she had castrated me with a butcher knife. And, the real shame is, that I would have served and been close to the boy as a friend and taken him places and done things with him regardless of any marriage. I would have just done it as a friend and as a christian brother.
I will get tarred and feathered for this, but I am going to say it anyway.....why don't you do the honorable thing and let him go before there are any children? Let him have the chance to actually marry someone who will love him and desire him and want to be with him?
I think a divorce, in this case, while there are no kids to get hurt by this, is going to hurt him far less than being tied to a marriage in which you will NEVER feel about him like he feels about you.
I cannot believe my ears that a christian would literally promote such a frivolous divorce instead of helping this sister build up her love in her husband.
Yes, you ought to be tarred and feathered and probably given a couple dozen lashes for even posting what you have.
I am sure G-d would not want him tarred and feathered or lashed at all. Not that I am advocating a divorce or anything. The marrige probably should haven't happened in the first place. It just seems to me that the OP was giving into man and not God when it came to her husband.
_____________________________
God love admiration . . . I think it annoys God if you walk by the color purple in a field somewhere and don't notice it.
~Alice Walker~
http://360.yahoo.com/saraimay75
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RE: I'm worried I might leave Husband someday - 10/19/2007 7:01:03 PM
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shadowspring
Posts: 1626
Joined: 5/27/2006
Status: offline
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quote:
I would say this is a lust based issue, with due respect to you and your feelings. I love and am more attracted to my husband, each passing year, and we been through it all. I think, you need to get your mind to right thinking.
quote:
PS - I'm also married to quite an ugly man... but there is real love in his touch, and recognizing that has my eyes closed to adolescent concerns about appearances. You will find, eventually, that you don't really look at the outsides any more. Your memories of how deceptive supposed-attraction can be should be a strength for you in your current situation, not a temptation to go back there.
I love you ladies! 
I think all of life comes down to this: Am I servant of God, letting Christ love others through me?
It applies to marriage too. Do you ask the Lord to love your dh through you? I am confident that this is the kind of prayer you can count on being answered.
_____________________________
"Blessed is the man...whose delight is in the law of the Lord, and in His law meditates day and night. He will be like a tree planted by rivers of water..." from Psalm 1
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RE: I'm worried I might leave Husband someday - 10/20/2007 5:31:31 AM
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Hazel2
Posts: 549
Status: offline
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My husband is no supermodel but I am in love with HIM. He is special and looking at him gives me joy because I know who he is "all the way down". Looks are such a small part of our relationship ... they don't even make the list!
_____________________________
Will you please remember my husband, John, in prayer He is not saved. Thank you and God bless you!
"When two people agree on everything, one of them is not necessary"
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RE: I'm worried I might leave Husband someday - 10/21/2007 12:03:34 AM
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michiganav8tor
Posts: 14
Status: offline
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quote:
ORIGINAL: tfkeel
This was the situation of my first wife and me. She had a quadriplegic CP son whose father had abandoned them. She admitted to me before she died that she "thought it was God's will" to marry me because I was the first man who was willing to take her son and be his dad and love him as my own.....and that I was a christian, etc....
I want to tell you that she would have hurt me less if she had castrated me with a butcher knife. And, the real shame is, that I would have served and been close to the boy as a friend and taken him places and done things with him regardless of any marriage. I would have just done it as a friend and as a christian brother.
I will get tarred and feathered for this, but I am going to say it anyway.....why don't you do the honorable thing and let him go before there are any children? Let him have the chance to actually marry someone who will love him and desire him and want to be with him?
I think a divorce, in this case, while there are no kids to get hurt by this, is going to hurt him far less than being tied to a marriage in which you will NEVER feel about him like he feels about you.
Tisk, tisk brother..... *dips tfkeel in a vat of tar, and throws feathers on him*
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RE: I'm worried I might leave Husband someday - 10/21/2007 12:34:40 AM
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michiganav8tor
Posts: 14
Status: offline
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FlowersInJune,
Your statement brought tears to my eyes for both you and your husband. A couple of questions have come to mind though... Is there anything he can possibly do to make himself attractive to you? The reason I ask is because marriage (as liberal as it may seem in this current thread,) is promise, a vow that you took 2 years ago; and should not be taken lightley.... Lack of physical attraction does not seem like a good enough excuse to leave this man. You knew this before you married him; and it's not like he was fabio one night then all-of-a-sudden transformed into shrek.
What is it about him that repulses you? Can he fix this? I'm sure if he is the man you say he is, then he would understand what you need during this trial; and would try to do anything possible to fix this.
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RE: I'm worried I might leave Husband someday - 10/21/2007 1:19:34 AM
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tfkeel
Posts: 54
Joined: 4/19/2005
From: Pennsylvania
Status: offline
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quote:
I'm sure if he is the man you say he is, then he would understand what you need during this trial; and would try to do anything possible to fix this.
WOW. Boy, I can just hear it now.....
"....honey.... you are a great man of God.... but you repulse me physically.... can you please change yourself so that you are like my former boyfriend who turned me on so much more than you do? I knew you would understand the trial that I'm facing because you are not as handsome and good looking as he was, and I am afraid I might leave you someday because I NEED a man who I am attracted to....."....
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RE: I'm worried I might leave Husband someday - 10/21/2007 11:15:35 AM
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MethodistGirl
Posts: 1
Joined: 10/21/2007
Status: offline
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I read the original post and tried to imagine how it would feel to have a husband say something like that to me (or about me, which for some reason seems even worse - telling other people that your spouse repulses you adds public humiliation to mix) and I have to admit my first reaction was that you should leave him and let him start over.
Even the thought of having a husband say that he was physically repulsed by me made me feel like I had been punched. I can't begin to fathom what it must be like in reality. I pray to God that you haven't actually told him that he repulses you.
Once I move past the emotion of the situation, the facts, as presented, led me to two thoughts. I want to preface these statements by saying that I'm not trying to attack you. You asked for help and I'm really trying to provide that.
What strikes me most about your post is the fact that it it almost exclusively about you. Despite the fact that this must be a devestating situation for your husband you seem to be more concerned with your own thoughts and feelings than his. You've made yourself a martyr to the idea of your marriage, which is a fundamentally selfish and self-important thing to do. It also ensures that you don't actually engage in the marriage itself. That need to self-aggrandize and the need to ensure emotional safe distance leads directly to my second thought on the subject.
I'm curious about your childhood. You strike me as a woman who was abused or neglected as a child. Women who have had trauma in their childhood (particularly if their father was either absent or abusive in some way) often find sexual stimulation only from men who are emotionally unavailable or who repeat the abusive patterns of the woman's childhood. These women are typically incapable of having sexual attraction to good and honorable men.
It was the use of the word "repulsed" that made me think of this. Its such a powerful word, if your reaction to him is that overwhelming to you then I think it has to be rooted in internal issues that really aren't about him. After all, we all see dozens of people every day that we aren't attracted to, many of whom we find quite unattractive. We rarely use words like "repulsed" to describe our reactions to these people.
If you were abused or neglected as a child then please find help to work through these issues. If this is the root of the problem with your husband then the problem can be addressed and you could see real improvement in your relationship.
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RE: I'm worried I might leave Husband someday - 10/21/2007 11:46:59 AM
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creationtalk
Posts: 701
Joined: 6/9/2005
Status: offline
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quote:
ORIGINAL: tfkeel
quote:
I'm sure if he is the man you say he is, then he would understand what you need during this trial; and would try to do anything possible to fix this.
WOW. Boy, I can just hear it now.....
"....honey.... you are a great man of God.... but you repulse me physically.... can you please change yourself so that you are like my former boyfriend who turned me on so much more than you do? I knew you would understand the trial that I'm facing because you are not as handsome and good looking as he was, and I am afraid I might leave you someday because I NEED a man who I am attracted to....."....
I agree with tfkeel and with those who say that the real change needs to come from the OP--she needs to decide to love her husband AS HE IS...when I first read the OP, my initial thought was here was another case where the problems could be solved by the solution in an old Mac Davis song: "If you want to be happy for the rest of your life, then fall in love with your wife." though in this case, substitute husband for wife.
I've been married to a man who tried to make me into someone else because I didn't fit his ideal...I tried very hard to make myself into the woman my (ex)husband wanted...and all it did was make both of us miserable. He knew what I was like before we married, but then who I was (personality and physical appearance) wasn't good enough...his justification for trying to remake me was Biblical--I can't remember the exact place, but it was something about we are to make each other better people... I certainly have areas were I need to work on my attitude and behavior, but this went way beyond that (I cannot change my personality, pretend to be uneducated, and I can't change my basic physical appearance).
The OP does not need to "fix" her husband. She needs to "fix" her own attitude and behavior. And what if the thing that he needs to "fix" is beyond his power? If she loves her whole husband, then the things that he needs to fix will be less important; as long as she is focused on these areas to be fixed and on her past boyfriend, nothing will change...
And here is where I agree with tfkeel...if she decides that she is unwilling or unable to change her attitude and the way that she looks at her husband, then she needs to let him go NOW, not after they have children to be hurt as well. She is already divorced from her husband in her heart. She has already committed the "sin" of divorce because of this; it just isn't yet legal. Jesus said that what we thought in our hearts was the same as actually doing it. She is also lying to her husband every single day because she is pretending to be married to him in her heart as well as legally.
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RE: I'm worried I might leave Husband someday - 10/21/2007 4:44:14 PM
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cynthia
Posts: 7977
Joined: 3/31/2005
From: Beautiful Puget Sound Region
Status: offline
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You do not have to entertain thoughts of leaving your husband. That is wicked and destructive.
Matthew 9:4
Knowing their thoughts, Jesus said, "Why do you entertain evil thoughts in your hearts?
Why? Why are you entertaining such thoughts and when are you going to stop it?
_____________________________
My husband and I have a motto:
We are the leader. We are one.
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RE: I'm worried I might leave Husband someday - 10/21/2007 4:56:14 PM
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sunstar7373
Posts: 17
Joined: 7/31/2005
Status: offline
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4 words: Love is a choice
Choose to love him. Ask God for peace in your marriage. You already made the choice to marry him, but you have to continue to choose to love him everyday- despite any faults he may have. It's the same in every marriage- whether the faults are physical attraction, or even the normal everyday chores. No matter what, love is a choice. Choose to love him.
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RE: I'm worried I might leave Husband someday - 10/21/2007 4:59:12 PM
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cynthia
Posts: 7977
Joined: 3/31/2005
From: Beautiful Puget Sound Region
Status: offline
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ATTENTION: MODERATOR'S NOTE: ATTENTION
Divorce isn't something a person does in her heart.
No more suggestions that she divorce her husband.
Please do not reply to or discuss this action within the Community.
Please email Community@salemwebnetwork.com with questions, comments, or concerns. Please allow time for a response during regular business hours.
Please do not send me PMs regarding this message.
Posts or pm’s which disregard the words in red will be removed without warning and the poster may also be banned.
Cynthia
Forums volunteer
_____________________________
My husband and I have a motto:
We are the leader. We are one.
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RE: I'm worried I might leave Husband someday - 10/23/2007 1:52:31 PM
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seagullplayer
Posts: 130
Joined: 9/18/2007
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This is a matter of pride, it’s not that your husband is not good enough; he is just not good enough for YOU…
1John 2:15 – 17
Love not the world, neither the things that are in the world. If any man love the world, the love of the Father is not in him.
For all that is in the world, the lust of the flesh, and the lust of the eyes, and the pride of life, is not of the Father, but is of the world.
And the world passeth away, and the lust thereof: but he that doeth the will of God abideth for ever.
The world has one problem, sin.
There is only one solution, Jesus.
Your marriage needs to be Christ centered, same as mine or anyone else’s, everything will start to fall in line then. Until that time, don’t bring any kids into the relationship.
My prayers are with your family.
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