I'm worried I might leave Husband someday (Full Version)

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FlowersInJune -> I'm worried I might leave Husband someday (10/16/2007 12:37:53 PM)

My husband and I have been married two years, both of us were virgins when we married. I was never attracted to him physically (in fact there were, and still are, times when I am totally repulsed by his physical appearance) but I married him because I believed that God wanted me to. He is an amazing man of God, trustworthy in all things, 100% faithful to me, loves me with all his heart, a strong leader, always wants the best for me, full of laughter and joy, and will be an amazing father someday. His friends respect and look up to him and he is totally sold out for Jesus. He said he always knew I was the one for ihm.

Because of all these things I married him, knowing he would be the best husband I would ever find... I just hoped and prayed that our friendship would grow (since we had nothing in common but Jesus) and that my attraction issues would go away and God would give me a physical attraction to him.

Two years into our marriage now, He is still all those things I said before and sometimes I feel attracted to him (but never physically-- same as when we were dating). Our friendship has grown as a natural progression of companionship, but it still feels empty compared to other guys I've dated. I've experienced deep and intense attraction to a man before-- where nothing he did or said could ever make me not still want him at the end of the day... and I felt this for MANY years. We had an amazing intellectual connection and we were great friends.

After I realised that this man wasn't in love with me and wasn't sold out for Jesus I ended our friendship and trusted that God would bring me someone even better for me... a few years later I met my wonderful husband.

So-- HERE'S MY PROBLEM:

It hurts my heart every day to look at my husband and know that I just don't feel for him the way He feels about me. I have struggled deeply over this during our marriage and I have prayed constantly that God would make me attracted to him and make me WANT him... but no matter how much I choose to believe the Truth (that God's heart for me is to have the FULLNESS of love and life in Christ in my marriage)... it still feels like I'll never have that attraction and connection with my H.

In the back of my mind I think I might leave him someday because of this.

I hate living this way in my heart and I hate not being grateful for my amazing Man of God... but it feels hopeless...

any encouragement would be great. thanks.



Jenny-Fair -> RE: I'm worried I might leave Husband someday (10/16/2007 1:23:23 PM)

quote:

In the back of my mind I think I might leave him someday because of this.

Well, there's your problem. Leaving your husband isn't something that you have no control over-it isn't going to suddenly come upon you unexpectedly, and it isn't something to 'worry' about.

Make the decision today and every day to love your husband and stay with him. And by 'love' I don't mean 'having fuzzy feelings.' I mean, treat him as if you loved him. Love is an action and you can find all sorts of advice on how love looks in the Bible.

I also think that, given your post about your job, you have been very self-focused since you got married, not really dedicating yourself to your marriage and husband. When you quit working and start spending time with your DH, your feelings will likely grow warmer.

And finally, you say that you married your DH because you knew it was God's will. Would God's will not stick, then, that you would leave your husband or fail to love him?



vvmyrss -> RE: I'm worried I might leave Husband someday (10/16/2007 1:37:47 PM)

Flowersinjune, you have no idea how truly blessed you are to have this devoted man of God as your husband.



lightshineon -> RE: I'm worried I might leave Husband someday (10/16/2007 1:45:03 PM)

Well what about when you both get old? Things sag, wrinkles appear on us all. What if the attractive man say's this about you in years to come? I see your feeling are based on lust, attraction is something that has nothing to do with looks, sfter marriage, unless one is unclean with their body, then you after a few years can just say flat out ' you stink go take a shower." Look, I have been married twenty two years. Do my husband and I appear as physically attractive as we once did? In our dreams. Your husband sounds very good, very good. Remember Isaiah 53 says Jesus had no beauty for us to behold him. beauty comes from the outside in. I would say this is a lust based issue, with due respect to you and your feelings. I love and am more attracted to my husband, each passing year, and we been through it all. I think, you need to get your mind to right thinking.



VincentGrayson -> RE: I'm worried I might leave Husband someday (10/16/2007 2:04:46 PM)

I'm curious, does he know you feel this way?

I'm guessing probably not, and I can't help but think that you've done both him, and yourself a great disservice by marrying a man who you're completely unattracted to, and who often physically repulses you.

I'm sorry I don't have any useful advice, but I just cannot imagine why you made the decision to marry this man if his physical appearance was such an issue for you. He deserves someone who loves him completely.



tfkeel -> RE: I'm worried I might leave Husband someday (10/16/2007 2:46:44 PM)

This was the situation of my first wife and me. She had a quadriplegic CP son whose father had abandoned them. She admitted to me before she died that she "thought it was God's will" to marry me because I was the first man who was willing to take her son and be his dad and love him as my own.....and that I was a christian, etc....

I want to tell you that she would have hurt me less if she had castrated me with a butcher knife. And, the real shame is, that I would have served and been close to the boy as a friend and taken him places and done things with him regardless of any marriage. I would have just done it as a friend and as a christian brother.

I will get tarred and feathered for this, but I am going to say it anyway.....why don't you do the honorable thing and let him go before there are any children? Let him have the chance to actually marry someone who will love him and desire him and want to be with him?

I think a divorce, in this case, while there are no kids to get hurt by this, is going to hurt him far less than being tied to a marriage in which you will NEVER feel about him like he feels about you.



kmangel -> RE: I'm worried I might leave Husband someday (10/16/2007 2:49:25 PM)

I don't know what it is that is missing in your marriage but apparently something is, but I bet if the two of you knew what that thing or things was, you could rectify it. Physical attractiveness is high on your needs list. Is your husband not physically attractive? Is it something that you can identify that perhaps he could change? The two of you need to look into this problem. Have you ever looked at the Marriage Builder's website? Dr. Harley claims that when we meet our spouse's needs, love grows. I think you must be meeting your husband's needs since he seems to be mad about you, but he can meet your needs, too. Perhaps you don't even know what those needs really are, but when your husband meets them your love for him and attraction to him will grow. At least, I think that's what Harley claims.

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3330_att.html



pickupyourmat -> RE: I'm worried I might leave Husband someday (10/16/2007 4:09:18 PM)

tfkeel,

You are a brave soul. Yes you will be tarred and feathered for this once some folk get wind of this comment. [:D]



pickupyourmat -> RE: I'm worried I might leave Husband someday (10/16/2007 4:21:52 PM)

FlowersinJune,

I just got the impression that you married him thinking that this would change. Now your realizing that walking down the aisle doesn't change things like that. I really feel for you. I almost married someone where I had the same issue. I was physically attracted but it was his resemblance to Christ that didn't attract me. There were qualities that I desired that he didn't possess but he was an absolutely wonderful Christian man who I knew would make great husband material! For example, he wasn't as bold as I like him. I like the fiery types but he was the most faithful person in prayer you'd ever love to meet. He'd pray until God answered one way or another and he would be faithful to the pray for something for months. No matter how long it took. Even though this was true, he was not the one for me. I do sympathize with you because your story could have easily been mine.

I can't tell you that you will become attracted to your husband physically and it is painful that you feel this way and we know he would be really hurt if he knew. I do wish I could whip out a Scripture where God promises that He would change you but can't. I do so understand tfkeel's posting[:)]. I knew that I would have spent my lifetime trying to make that young man over into my image and it would have been horrible for him. He is married now to a woman who appreciates the man that he is. I am so happy that he found someone who loves him like that because I wasn't the one for him either.

At the same time, maybe there is an answer outside of leaving the marriage? I think about arranged marriages and how they grow to love one another. They may not be physically attracted to one another in the way that we look for but that doesn't stop them from staying together. There are other things that the marriage is about. Perhaps you need to focus on the other dimensions of your marriage where you find your husband to be really incredible. Lay the expectation for physical attraction down for the moment and grab a hold of the other things.

One thing I don't want you to come away with is feeling like your a terrible person or somehow your shallow for wanting to be attracted to your husband. Sometimes that is so overrated until it happens to us.



pbaribeault -> RE: I'm worried I might leave Husband someday (10/16/2007 4:24:21 PM)

tfkeel... consider yourself tarred and feathered.

Marriage is a covenant, binding and permanent. Even if the covenant is not well founded breaking it is both sinful and hurtful. I realize you have been deceived and hurt, but the only reason that that deception would hurt you in your situation is because your marriage covenant is real.

OP... I think it's possible that your fixation on NOT feeling attracted to him, praying, thinking and worrying about it is probably preventing the kind of attraction that is built on deep love and real commitment from developing naturally. I'd advise you to stop thinking (and praying) at all about this issue... refuse to struggle with it and just let it surprise you in a decade by the way it has grown and rooted itself.

PS - I'm also married to quite an ugly man... but there is real love in his touch, and recognizing that has my eyes closed to adolescent concerns about appearances. You will find, eventually, that you don't really look at the outsides any more. Your memories of how deceptive supposed-attraction can be should be a strength for you in your current situation, not a temptation to go back there.



Jenny-Fair -> RE: I'm worried I might leave Husband someday (10/16/2007 4:41:51 PM)

quote:

Let him have the chance to actually marry someone who will love him and desire him and want to be with him?

The problem with that is that, biblically speaking, he would be an adulterer, since you can't just divorce someone and move on to a better person. The OP needs biblical advice in this case, before she makes this man's life worse than she is already making it.



tfkeel -> RE: I'm worried I might leave Husband someday (10/16/2007 4:50:19 PM)

quote:

Even if the covenant is not well founded breaking it is both sinful and hurtful.


I understand. I just made a judgement-call about which would hurt her husband less in the long run. He could potentially, while he is still a young man and not yet tied to raising kids with her, find someone who
actually desired and wanted him.

See, I am almost 100% certain that this guy didn't smile all the time his bride approached him down the aisle because he knew that he "REPULSED" her.....or say that "she is the ONE for him" because he knew that she didn't find him attractive....



WaldorfLemon -> RE: I'm worried I might leave Husband someday (10/16/2007 5:29:00 PM)

DON'T GIVE UP!

Jesus said that "He makes ALL THINGS new". Do you believe that God wants the best for you? Regardless of why you got married, or whether or not you should have... the point is that NOW your are married and God will honor that commintment under Christ. He will make your marriage new in Jesus and He has already created a plan for you both to be fulfilled completely in Christ and to be perfect for each other in every way.

That is just in God's nature--- to give us the very best.

There is no "plan B" with God. And if it weren't this physical attraction issue with him-- it would be something else with another man...

God is welding your two worlds together and sometimes that can be painful and ugly and hard. Breaking is never fun-- but God's healing and His art that He will create for the world with the two of you will be beautiful! There is something unique about you and your Husband that only you two together can bring to the Throneroom of Heaven.

Lay down your desires at the foot of the cross. Jesus knows what they are and He will honor your commitment and your zeal for Truth. You just have to Choose to live in it.

I believe that you ARE attracted to your husband-- because that is the reality of God's heart for you... nothing but the best. You vision is simply blinded right now by the world, your flesh, and what the world has always told you was "attractive".

Don't be double-minded about this! Don't have "leaving your hubby" in your back pocket "just in case God doesn't come through". The only way to experience the fullness of Christ... is to live in the fullness of Christ!

The truth will set you free!



guitarmark -> RE: I'm worried I might leave Husband someday (10/16/2007 5:29:11 PM)

At least this poor, disrespected man can count on the love of God when his marriage ultimately comes crashing down onto his head.

I was speechless reading the OP's post... [&o]



Jenny-Fair -> RE: I'm worried I might leave Husband someday (10/16/2007 5:47:17 PM)

Guys, I think you are falling into the same trap as the OP by believing that this situation has only two possible outcomes--a miserable marriage or a divorce.

I, for one, believe that vast improvement is not only possible, but likely if the OP allows God to lead her there! I do not think that she is destined to dislike her husband forever, that her husband is destined to be hurt or abandoned by his wife, or any of that!

Let us not give up the hope that we have, and the dependance on God to help his child do what is right.



guitarmark -> RE: I'm worried I might leave Husband someday (10/16/2007 5:55:16 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Jenny-Fair

Guys, I think you are falling into the same trap as the OP by believing that this situation has only two possible outcomes--a miserable marriage or a divorce.

I, for one, believe that vast improvement is not only possible, but likely if the OP allows God to lead her there! I do not think that she is destined to dislike her husband forever, that her husband is destined to be hurt or abandoned by his wife, or any of that!

Let us not give up the hope that we have, and the dependance on God to help his child do what is right.


Yes, you're right. God can do amazing things. I think that the initial shock of the post may have made me forget that. Sometimes, when you read something like that, you can't help but feel that disaster is written in stone. Probably is in most cases, but we can hope for a miraculous change of heart. Maybe some others here will post some ideas for the OP to implement?



huckfinn327 -> RE: I'm worried I might leave Husband someday (10/16/2007 6:02:58 PM)

FlowersinJune,

1Co 7:3 Let the husband render unto the wife due benevolence: and likewise also the wife unto the husband.
1Co 7:4 The wife hath not power of her own body, but the husband: and likewise also the husband hath not power of his own body, but the wife.

I believe it is you who are failing him ... according to the above you have the power to bring out of him what you desire ... you are the one who is holding back due benevolence.

Marriage is Honorable and Holy ... they twain shall be one flesh and no more twain ... your marriage is a wonderful permanent act of creation.

Huckfinn ... Baptist pastor



Zhi -> RE: I'm worried I might leave Husband someday (10/16/2007 6:34:29 PM)

quote:

In the back of my mind I think I might leave him someday because of this.


Well, there's your problem. I know people are getting on your case about it, it's not my intent to do so. I applaud that you are willing to honestly come to terms with that and try to do something about it now, before the post is "I'm leaving my husband".

My husband and I have been through problems that had me thinking that, fortunately it was years ago.

Here is what you must do, and you must start today...

When the thought comes up, even the inkling, you must squash it. Squash it, stuff it in a tiny box, set the box on fire, and hurl it out of your mind as hard as you can. As long as you entertain that thought at all, your marriage is going to be in trouble. Then, pray that God would help you to love your husband even when he seems unlovable, that God would provide the attraction for your husband that you crave, that God would help you be a worthy mate to him.

Now, in the empty space left after you've thrown that thought out, think about your husband. Concentrate on the little things you do like about him. Make a mental list (or even write it down on paper, if you have trouble making mental lists). Start off "I love..." and fill it in. Physical things like his eyes, that dimple, his smile, that firm spot on his chest you can rest your head against. Mental things like his intelligence, his sense of humor. Spiritual things like his love for God. Things he does, like asking about your day, taking out the trash, working hard to provide for you. Keep it up as long as you can, then as you start running out of things, think of something you can do to show how much you love and appreciate him as a person, like a back rub or cooking something he likes or picking up his favorite candy bar to share or writing him a love note.

Loving someone, and being attracted to them, through the changes of life and the ravages of years, is a choice. It doesn't just happen. It's a conscious choosing every day to cherish and love and be attracted to that person. You can either choose today to learn to love your husband, or choose to give up on your marriage and drift away. If you choose to love him, it will get easier as you practice the mental exercises in choosing to do so, and one day you will suddenly realize that you really do deeply love him, and could never imaging leaving him.



Roberta_ -> RE: I'm worried I might leave Husband someday (10/16/2007 6:41:24 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Jenny-Fair

quote:

Let him have the chance to actually marry someone who will love him and desire him and want to be with him?

The problem with that is that, biblically speaking, he would be an adulterer, since you can't just divorce someone and move on to a better person. The OP needs biblical advice in this case, before she makes this man's life worse than she is already making it.



I was thinking along those lines.



karlie -> RE: I'm worried I might leave Husband someday (10/16/2007 7:00:58 PM)

Attention: Moderator's Note:

This is a reminder that this thread is not to debate the right or wrong of divorce. We have a One stop Thread for that if you wish to discuss that issue. You may offer the OP advice on her situation, but debate of divorce must be taken to the One Stop Thread. Thanks!

Divorce One Stop Thread

Please email community@salemwebnetwork.com with questions, comments or concerns.

Please do not respond to this post within the community or PM me.

Now back to your regularly scheduled topic :)

Karlie,
Forums Moderator



propitiated4 -> RE: I'm worried I might leave Husband someday (10/16/2007 8:42:05 PM)

quote:

it still feels like I'll never have that attraction and connection with my H.

Truth and feelings are 2 different things. Either you trust God for this or you don't.

quote:

In the back of my mind I think I might leave him someday because of this.

Marriage is not only a commitment to a person, but to God Himself. Leaving, especially based on feelings would be sin.



Sadey -> RE: I'm worried I might leave Husband someday (10/16/2007 9:56:13 PM)

quote:

I've experienced deep and intense attraction to a man before-- where nothing he did or said could ever make me not still want him at the end of the day... and I felt this for MANY years. We had an amazing intellectual connection and we were great friends


Was the above man your first love. Its seems from your sentence "nothing he did or said could ever make me not still want him at the end of the day" speaks volumes. You know no one can complete with a first love especially when its stuck in your mind. I think if you could get past this other guy who maybe you've buildt up into something he really wasn't, your husband might have a chance. If you had a sexual relationship with this man and it sort of sounds like it to me, the remark "ever make me not still want him at the end of the day"gives me that idea, then that would explain the trouble you have relating to your husband. And if thats true its not fair to your husband. He's competing with a ghost from your past, that God wouldn't let you have? Just my thought off the top of my head.

I would suggest some couseling with a trusted Christian woman who trained in counseling. You are stuck and going around in circles and I know you must be so tired of this. If I were you I wouldn't know how to get out of this rut without help. I feel just as bad for you as I do for your husband. I hope things work out for you and I promise they will if you will let God guide you in this.



buckifn -> RE: I'm worried I might leave Husband someday (10/16/2007 10:35:46 PM)

In my opinion you got what you asked for by marrying a man under false pretenses, so deal with it. You married him knowing you did not feel the same as he did, so why is it all of a sudden an issue if you have felt like this for over 2 years?

Maybe the best place for you to start would be indiv counseling...finding out who you are, and why you chose to enter a marriage under those conditions.

It sounds like you have a lot of maturing to do when it comes to relationships and choices.



stampinlady -> RE: I'm worried I might leave Husband someday (10/16/2007 10:52:13 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: buckifn

In my opinion you got what you asked for by marrying a man under false pretenses, so deal with it. You married him knowing you did not feel the same as he did, so why is it all of a sudden an issue if you have felt like this for over 2 years?

Maybe the best place for you to start would be indiv counseling...finding out who you are, and why you chose to enter a marriage under those conditions.

It sounds like you have a lot of maturing to do when it comes to relationships and choices.


I agree. I can't fathom marrying someone I wasn't attracted to. BUT God can change you. Pray for wisdom and a change of heart.



jaimestarcross -> RE: I'm worried I might leave Husband someday (10/17/2007 1:22:31 AM)

The bible also tells us that Christ isn't physically attractive either - so it's best
to develop the spiritual eyes and heart that see what real BEAUTY is and what has lasting VALUE.

Here's some scripture for you:
1 Samuel 16:7
But the LORD said to Samuel, "Do not consider his appearance or his height, for I have rejected him. The LORD does not look at the things man looks at. Man looks at the outward appearance, but the LORD looks at the heart."

Focus on being captivated by the beauty of his heart and his commitment to the Lord
and to you... now to me, that's beautiful!



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