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manda59 -> RE: When breast WASN'T best (10/26/2007 10:13:17 PM)
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hought I had better answer my own question! [:)]
I had an emergency Caesarean section under general anaesthetic. I didn't wake up from this till 3+ hours after I'd delivered. My dh had already given our ds a bottle by the time I woke. I fed him for the first 24 hours - I confess I didn't like the sensation at all, but was determined to stick with it for my baby's sake. After 24 hours my ds developed neo-natal jaundice, and they told me to feed him as often as possible; however, his levels were not returning to normal and so they wanted his feeds supplemented with a bottle or two, to wash it all out of his system.
On his 4th night, my ds was particularly unsettled and grizzly. When the morning midwife came on duty, one who I knew from my ante-natal visits, I told her what he'd been like but said he was now sleeping. She felt him, found him hot and whisked him off somewhere. I found out a little later that they were doing a lumbar puncture to test for meningitis.
I visited him frequently in the special care baby unit and fed him (the nurses would call up to my ward when he woke for a feed). I went home and had to leave him there; I'd come back frequently for visits, and would pump milk for them to feed him with when I wasn't there. But they were having to top him up with formula because I just wasn't making enough. It was probably the stress.
When he finally came home, I tried just breast-feeding, often. But there were just too many difficulties - including him preferring one breast to the other, and me getting mastitis in the other one, and the sore chapped nipples that I had, that hurt so much that I wept with pain most every time I fed him. And also him feeding and then throwing up the whole lot, with me emptied out and him still hungry. Thankfully I had some ready-to-use formula that I could give him otherwise I don't know what I would have done. I also just didn't like the feeling of being totally on call 24/7 (realised later I had post-natal depression).
When I went out the next day to buy some tins of formula, I was so ashamed, felt such a failure. I already felt a failure for having had a Caesarean, and this just compounded it. I felt like I couldn't do anything right. When I went into the pharmacy to buy the formula, I kept wondering if people were watching me going up to that part of the display; I wondered if anyone who saw me with the tin would condemn me for giving formula to my baby. Everyone I knew was very pro-breastfeeding and I felt bad for not being able to do it properly. I would meet friends out who'd say "Are you feeding him yourself?" and I would feel like responding "Actually no - I go out into the street and hand him to the first stranger I see [&:] ".[8|]
I started by giving him just one bottle feed per day, and it was SUCH a relief not to have the searing pain, and even not to have him sucking on me (as I still greatly disliked the sensation). It also felt so good to be able to have my dh feed him, meaning I could have a little break and a bit of time to myself. I also started to enjoy feeding times more; it had felt like he needed every ounce of energy I had and then some - more than I could give. Bottle feeding meant I could cuddle him and enjoy the closeness, rather than being anxious about not having enough.
My ds seemed to sleep better at nights on formula, and it worked well for us in many ways, so by 6 weeks he was on half and half. By 3 months he was fully bottle-fed. It was so much easier and less stressful all round. I did regret that I had not been able to do it for longer, but felt I had given him a good start.
With my dd, 4 years later, I was happy to try again with breastfeeding. But after 24 hours, she too developed neo-natal jaundice and needed supplementary bottles to flush it out of her system. I tried breastfeeding exclusively when I went home, but she clearly preferred the bottle and so by 3 weeks she was on half and half; by 6 weeks she was exclusively bottle-fed. I would have liked to have breastfed her even partially up to 3 months like her brother, but it was just not to be. Breastfeeding was just too stressful for me. Instead of something natural, it felt awkward and literally draining. And I still didn't like the sensation, or the feeling of being needed so much. Thankfully, second time around, I didn't feel so ashamed, didn't feel such a failure.
Both my children had virtually illness-free childhoods and have no allergies. They're now teenagers aged 18 and 14, and are still hardly ever unwell (one cold each per year is the average!)
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