RE: How did YOU know when to call it quits? (Full Version)

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VisitorinWaiting -> RE: How did YOU know when to call it quits? (10/24/2007 11:52:07 AM)

quote:

But while my situation is how it is, how do I keep myself and my thoughts focused on holy things and my eyes
from looking at other men who are handsome and "appear" to be successful, and have themselves together - the things that my husband are not?


As others have said, I think you need to look at your own relationship with Christ. What is your walk with Him like? Are you following and trusting Him fully? Are you spending time with Him on a daily basis in prayer and in Bible reading? I really think you need to focus on these things. God hates divorce, so He certainly doesn't want you to turn in that direction. The reference that I sent to you in PM would be a great place to start, but I understand you are scared of giving out info. So, instead of reading those things, read your Bible and pray without ceasing. How did you keep yourself and your thoughts focused on holy things and your eyes from desiring men when you were single? I understand that is different because when you are single, you are looking at men as possible marriage prospects, but you still had to have purity when looking at them...if you were a Christian then.



Jenny-Fair -> RE: How did YOU know when to call it quits? (10/24/2007 12:00:30 PM)

I think I'd start with keeping a husband diary. Write down in that diary everything good that your husband does, all of his good qualities, even the good side of bad qualities (it was once pointed out to me that everything about my DXH that annoyed me was simply the flip side of the things that I love about him). You need to dwell on these things.

Then, of course, lots of prayer and giving it over to God..when you see man who looks nice, for example, look another direction (if that would not be rude) and pray thanks to God for the man you have, and for help in not dwelling on other men.

And finally, realize that every man has his bad side. A guy might look great but might spend five out of seven nights at a bar with his buddies. Remember, the grass is greener where the septic tank is[;)]



Zhi -> RE: How did YOU know when to call it quits? (10/24/2007 12:49:27 PM)

quote:

But while my situation is how it is, how do I keep myself and my thoughts focused on holy things and my eyes from looking at other men who are handsome and "appear" to be successful, and have themselves together - the things that my husband are not?


It's easy for people you hardly know to look like they're successful and have themselves together. Many of them are not.

Look at how often movie stars get divorced. Few people are more handsome, few people are more successful, but obviously somewhere they don't have themselves together, or else they'd be happily-ever-aftering all over the place.

You will always be able to find people better off than you if you look for them. Even if they're only better off in the fantasy world that you construct around the five minutes you see of them during which they appear to have it all under control.

It's really all about attitude, though.

I remember one day, at one of the lowest points of my marriage, though I was trying to work on it at that point, when I was starting to feel despair again.

I was sitting with some friends, and one of them started going off on a tirade about how her husband had put the toilet paper in the toilet paper holder backwards.

I was stunned, like a deer in the headlights, caught between conflicting desires to slap her, and to ask her what the "correct" way is. For my husband to have actually thought to replace the toilet paper on the holder regardless of direction would have been a day of great rejoicing in my household. It would have been marked on all the calendars. There would have been cake!

That's the day I learned that no matter what your circumstances, you can always find something bad about your spouse. On the flipside, you can also always find something good. What matters is what you choose to look for and concentrate on.

Choose to concentrate on the good in your own home. Don't lend yourself to flights of fancy concerning the perfection of some guy who smiled at you in the grocery store while wearing Gucci. He probably still leaves his socks on the couch when he gets home.



joseph369 -> RE: How did YOU know when to call it quits? (10/24/2007 1:10:00 PM)

My wife of 10 years and being together for 15 years filed for divorce. My answer to your question is when the lord takes you home is when you call it quits. I am allowing the lord to change me so that I may reconcile with my wife. the problem with our marriage and with most is we love each other but i speak a different language of love than she does. So we must have some one to translate. God never intended divorce it is mans own selfish ways that allows it.
Ask the lord to change your heart and that he opens your husbands ears and heart to him. Have peace in knowing the lord loves you. Rejoice in his word and his love have faith and be still in the lord and allow him to work a lot of times we try to control the situation because it is not going as fast or the way we want.



jaimestarcross -> RE: How did YOU know when to call it quits? (10/24/2007 1:40:47 PM)

If you have poured out your heart to him and he refuses to even
try to work on the problems - place the matter before the Lord and
leave it with Him.

Your home isn't suppose to be a constant war zone or a haven for porno!
Cleanse your home from strife and unwholesome things...
you know what cause arguments - refuse to participate in doing those things
that create disharmony in the home.
Take into captivity every thought that
tries to exalt itself against the Word of the Lord.
Stop the blame game!
Put on the garments of praise!
You know your spouse isn't a Christian - so don't go off the deep end
when he says and does sinful things... this is how unsaved folks act.
When he's being bad - go visit the sick or go help
a neighbor who's elderly... is there anything else you can be doing for the
Lord - then do it!
I know someone who made a spare room into their place of solitude - where they can be at peace, read the bible, watch clean movies or have Christian friends over for a visit... is that possible for you?
How about doing a getaway with a mature sister in Christ or family member?
Start finding Christian activities to be involved in when your spouse isn't behaving
himself.

Are you in an abusive situation - then leave immediately!



Auben -> RE: How did YOU know when to call it quits? (10/24/2007 1:48:27 PM)

My first thought is that your husband, despite his comments, isn't ready to begin divorce proceedings on his own. When my father left my mother he would often call her and tell her to go ahead and divorce him. He wasn't living a very godly life but he still couldn't do it on his own. He kept saying those things because he didn't want to be responsible for that (no matter that he'd done other things).

There's still some life left in your marriage as long as he isn't ready to let go. If you don't let go there's still a chance.



lastblast -> RE: How did YOU know when to call it quits? (10/24/2007 1:57:04 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: christsgirl

Honestly, I'm kinda mad at God for several reasons - for allowing me to marry this man, for condemning me to a life of misery (because He doesn't want me to remarry), and for not answering me when I reach out to Him. I'm at the point where I don't want to pray, don't wanna read my bible, go to church or anything because He doesn't answer and meet me where I am. I just can't reach him.


Christsgirl,

The Lord allows many things into His children's lives-----for HIS purposes, not necessarily for our happiness. Have you ever read Voice of the Martyrs? Many of His children are suffering Greatly, so that HE will be lifted up in their lives.........and all they did to "deserve" suffering is by being born into this world and calling upon the Lord for salvation. I don't mean to minimize your suffering, but ALL who truly follow Jesus will suffer in one way or another-----whatever He has allowed into our lives.

You say you don't want to read your bible, pray, etc, because He doesn't answer you? Are you really sure about that? You already said you know that God doesn't want you to remarry. You DO have your answer on the disposition of your marriage. You just don't LIKE the answer He gave you.

Now that you have His answer, you must NOT forsake the Lord in allowing Him to show you how to live out the life He has for you. You must stay in prayer and read His Word to you...........If you truly do desire to follow Him, He will show you and empower you to walk out His plans for you. And, you want to know what? When you submit yourself COMPLETELY to Him, you will walk in peace----even when things around you are far from peaceful.......... Blessings..........



christsgirl -> RE: How did YOU know when to call it quits? (10/24/2007 2:17:11 PM)

Thank you to all for even responding to this post. I appreciate it so very much as all of you have said very meaningful things to me. I am going to try and address some of your questions (as many as I can remember).

Even though I said I don't wanna pray, go to church, ready my bible, etc...I have not given up on these things. I still do these things. I try to read my bible at least every other day, and I pray every day. I am also very involved in my church and no one in my church would even have a clue that I'm going through the things that I am. Although recently, my hubby and I got counseling from my pastor, so he would know... but no one else.

So with all that said...I'd say my walk with christ is not as strong as it should be probably (saying this ONLY because I can't feel Him), but I am TRULY trying to get there. I am a christian...I don't smoke, drink, party, lie, or knowingly do anything else that I know is a sin. I pray and seek God, read my bible, listen to my gospel music and sing praises to Him daily - yet still He seems distant. I'm honestly not sure why.

Re this:

quote:

You say you don't want to read your bible, pray, etc, because He doesn't answer you? Are you really sure about that? You already said you know that God doesn't want you to remarry. You DO have your answer on the disposition of your marriage. You just don't LIKE the answer He gave you.


I only say that because I don't know any different. I believe I was brainwashed into believing that, honestly. From birth, I've been raised to believe that divorce and remarriage is a sin, and anyone who does it lives in adultery and will make hell their home (not trying to get into a debate about this - I know there's a designated thread for that). So with that said, out of all of the marriages in my family, my parents were the FIRST to ever divorce (after 25 years of marriage) and both vow to never marry again because they don't want to go to helll. When I've read the scriptures for myself, I see scriptures that say divorce and remarriage is okay if infidelity is involved and if the unbeliever leaves let him go, and in this case you are not "bound" (whatever that means)...but of course there are the VERY clear scriptures that forbids it. So there's the contradiction. So, honestly, I don't know what's right...I'm no theologian so I can't say who was talking to whom and when and what this and that meant because of the day it was taught in, etc. So because it's all so confusing to me, and because I was brainwashed into believing divorce and remarriage is a sin, I just try to steer away from that direction.

Again...I thank you all. Please feel free to continue to comment. I contine to check back to see if anyone else has responded.

Oh yea...and I will make a list of the books you all have suggested, and I will read them as soon as I am able to get them.

Blessings......



blessednw -> RE: How did YOU know when to call it quits? (10/25/2007 6:08:03 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: christsgirl

Diane -

I did not understand the first part of that scripture. Can you explain it to me?

I know that I don't currently have grounds for divorce because my husband has not physically cheated (that I know of) and he has not left me. However, with the stuff that he's into (specifically, the porn), and the current state of our marriage (we barely even talk) I don't suspect that it will be long before he does. And honestly, I'm almost waiting for him to so that I have grounds to leave ( I know some will probably think I'm silly for saying such a thing, but it's truly how I feel).

Just because I made the mistake of marrying him, I don't believe God has called me to live in a life of misery. Marrying an unbeliever (or divorcing) is not the unpardonable sin - blasphemy is.

Christsgirl


You just have no idea of what you are saying when you make light of divorce. You also admit looking for an out. I could not provide that for you, because I have come to understand that marriage is for life, that is the created order that God intended. He does not intend for us to try to break things up.

Don't take my word for it, though, but do a topical study on marriage, divorce and how long the marriage bond is supposed to last. God can change a heart. Your husband is in sin, and his remedy is repentance, not rejection. I urge you to pray for him and turn to God in a big way yourself. He has the power and the answers.

You don't know how many men and women have been so offended by their mates, that they said "I'm almost waiting for him (to sin) so that I have grounds to leave". Is that the heart of the Lord? Do you not feel convicted for wanting him to stumble so you can cut him off? Our obedience to Christ is not supposed to come from how we feel at the moment....how many of us humans have felt like fleeing, beating someone up, and gossiping and slandering someone who hurt us? How many of us have always had good intentions? We cannot justify our own rebellions to God and His ways, because our family members are getting deceived and hurting us.

We do need help, but the help we need is prayer and godly exhortation. The help we need is faith, and the loyalty of the Body of Christ to lift us up in prayer and truth. We may need intervention.

But you are christsgirl, as you say, and you should want to be like Him. He doesn't give up on people because they are foolish and deceived, but if they at one time loved Him, He is interceding for them, until death, as He will give us grace to do.



tfkeel -> RE: How did YOU know when to call it quits? (11/12/2007 10:38:36 AM)

quote:

And I don't think that I have the strength to sit around and pray and wait for him to change. I truly think that he'll forever be this way. He's ALWAYS been this way.


And I recommend that you abandon any hope that you have that HE'LL EVER CHANGE. The most reliable indicator of a person's future performance is his relevant past performance.

I am not saying that he CANNOT change. I am just saying that it is unlikely that he ever will.

Either kick him to the curb, or stop worrying about it and live your own life as best you can for the Lord.

quote:

Keep in mind that he keeps our son during the day, and I can't afford childcare. So if he leaves, I'm not sure how i'd be able to pay the bills.


Get where you CAN pay your own bills. That is the first step. As long as he has you "over the barrel" like this, you can impose no consequences for his behaviour. Take hold of your budget and start cutting. Move. Do whatever is necessary.


Follow Christ's leading as given in His discourse in Matthew 18:15-17.

That is my advice....



deermousie -> RE: How did YOU know when to call it quits? (11/12/2007 12:32:38 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: christsgirlBut while my situation is how it is, how do I keep myself and my thoughts focused on holy things and my eyes from looking at other men who are handsome and "appear" to be successful, and have themselves together - the things that my husband are not?


This is going to be hard, Christgirl, so sit down, take a deep breath...



... and realize that covetousness is a sin. This could be why you feel like God isn't answering your prayers. Or part of the reason why. As you read your Bible, ask yourself, "What can I apply to my life from this? What sin does this point out in my life? What promise can I rejoice in from this?"

As others have pointed out, you can't do anything directly about your husband. He is spiritually dead, and flopping around like a dog just hit by a truck. But God can do something about him, and if He does He'll probably use your sweet and gentle spirit and submissiveness to 2x4 this guy upside the head to get his attention.

Or maybe God isn't going to save him but why else would He let him have a saved wife? I suppose it could be to validate his lost state and say he had no excuse for never believing God, and justify sending him to hell forever. Not a good thing. Good for you for praying for his salvation; it would be a terrible thing for him to never believe. You can't make him believe, but God can, and may be using you. Very likely.

Your son is watching you both. Is he going to be more attracted to the guy who is doing his own selfish thing that ends in destruction and is miserable or the mom who claims Christ and is eaten up with resentment? You have your job before you - trust God amidst the hard things and breathe out the sweet fragrance of deliverance and grace. It was said before (sorry, I don't remember who said it or I'd give credit) that every person suffers, and God allows it. It's what you do with it that shows who you are. You are saved, you have a future of joy forever with God, you have power through the Holy Spirit to act outside your circumstances and be holy. So start hunting your sins and confess and repent them (think of it as a big game hunt, and you have God's bazooka!) and repeat in your mind your future joy and today's strengths like a mantra. We are to pray constantly, even if you have to say, "God, I don't feel like talking to You." See, you're talking to Him.

And really, looking at other people... pffft. We go out waxed and polished but scratch any person and find the hurt inside. We all hurt and struggle and suffer. I could write a book, and might some day just to help Christians from toxic families. It's our believing God while chest deep in the sewage pond that glorifies God, and our robes someday will be spotless white. We are His trophies in His trophy case (Eph. 2:7) and every one of us got rescued from a life of pain. Don't fail the test, dear sister in the Lord. Cling to the cross when the hurricane winds blow, and He'll never let go of you. Our lives are short compared to the glory that is coming - see you there and we'll hug and laugh and cry and tell our stories and rejoice.



Hislittleone -> RE: How did YOU know when to call it quits? (11/12/2007 3:47:25 PM)

Just in case anyone missed it, here is an update by Christsgirlfrom another thread that was closed.....

quote:

It's me again. I will try to make this short, although I have a feeling it will be long. This weekend was terrible for me. DH and I had plans on Saturday night with some of my family members to go out to eat and watch a movie after church. Well, I went to church (I have to leave DH on Saturdays because I have to be to church early because I'm in a leadership position). So DH never showed for church, and called me and left a message stating he would have to skip our plans because we had to help a friend move. Needless to say, I was upset. But this didn't even touch the surface of what happened next.

So, I went out with family as pre-planned, and I got home around 3 am. When I got there, DH was not there, so I called him and called and called, and got no answer. He ended up calling me at around 630 am and told me how "sorry" he was. He kept saying..."I wanna be a good christian husband and father"..."I'm gonna do better, I promise". He said he'd been at his friends all night playing video games (he'd obviously been drinking too). So he had led me to believe he'd be coming home now....but only after he spent about a half hour telling me that he loves me and begging me not to leave him...I kept telling him that he wants to be single...he said "I DON'T wanna be single; I wanna be married to you and live the family life"..blah blah blah....I told him that he's living like he's single and he can't have both. Well, like i said, we ended up getting off the phone and he was supposed to be on his way home. Well, at around NOON he wasn't home yet, and I talked to him again, and he said that he had just left his friend's house (a DIFFERENT friend) and that he was oh so sorry. He was saying the EXACT same things he had been saying earlier about how much he loved me and our son and how he just wants to be a good father, husband, whatever, but that he just made a "bad choice". I told him that I could've believed some of that if he had come home the first time after singing that song, but now it's 5 hours later and he had chosen to continue doing what he had been doing even though he was so "sorry". I said that when people are really sorry, they turn from their wicked ways....not continue on the same path. Well, he KEPT singing the same song. This time he was saying things like I don't wanna lose my family...I wanna do the right thing...I'll do ANYTHING..if you wanna go to counseling, I'll do that...if you wanna set curfews, I'll abide by that....ANYTHING...I just don't know what I'd do without you and our son. Scary thing is...he was actually starting to convince me that he was half way sincere. So I was expecting him home at least by 1 or 2pm...well those hours came and passed, and there were NO signs of him. I called him around 3...then again around 330 and around 4...no answer...no returned call. I felt like such a fool. So I went to the city to an event last night, and on my way back from the event, I ironically saw him on the highway (10pm)...I was driving right next to him so that he could see that I saw him, but he wouldn't even look my way. So, I ended up just speeding up and leaving. When I got home around 1130, I questionned him, asking where he'd been all day? Why he wouldn't answer my calls? what's his problem, etc? He said he was at this place that was in the OPPOSITE way of where I saw him driving from...I asked him to please not lie....told him I SAW him and so did the others who were in the car with me. Then he said, I WAS there, but I was also in the city too....I was everywhere...just driving around. He said he didn't stop anywhere, and that he didn't come home because he was dealing with some issues and had some things to think about.

He actually had the nerve to try and place blaim on me. In the earlier conversation (630 am) I told him that i felt that he was incapable of being the husband and father that our son and I needed because he has not proven himself. So said that my comment really "hit him hard" so that's why he stayed out "thinking"...but yet, when I made the initial comment to him, he didn't even say anything about it...he just kept trying to convince me that he was going to start doing the right thing.

He also admitted to me that when he contemplates a possible "bad choice", he makes the decision of whether he's gonna do it or not based on if he thinks it is something bad enough for me to leave him. He actually TOLD me this....he said if it's not bad enough to the point where he'd leave me no choice but to leave him, then he would more than likely do it.

So basically, he's STILL a mess, and I don't know what to do about it. What do I do about this situation that happened over the weekend? I told him that I wasn't gonna deal with the way he treats me. I think something's really wrong with him...how can a person be so sorry, but continue to do wrong? He's treating me like he doesn't love me, but is that really possible? After all these years, could he NOT love me??? I'm so confused and torn. I'm so tired of him. And I don't know who to talk to or how to get help. Yes, I can pray and all that...but what do I do to let him know that I won't deal with this. I asked him to leave before, and he wouldn't leave. I know he doesn't have anywhere to go.

Sometimes I think that something's really wrong with him and he doesn't even know how to correct it. I think he WANTS to do right, but he just can't beat the devil in him. And I don't think that I have the strength to sit around and pray and wait for him to change. I truly think that he'll forever be this way. He's ALWAYS been this way.
Please offer advice, prayer, suggestions....


I would be seriously wondering WHERE my husband REALLY was all that time. Could he be doing drugs or having an affair??? This behavior is so strange. He's definitely being selfish and immature. Christsgirl, if you don't set up boundaries and consequences he is going to continue doing what he's doing. He gets to do whatever he wants and still come home to you. If I were you I would find someone else (got any other family around?) to watch my baby or find a job that pays more. Or maybe get another part time job to add to your regular income. If you don't make your living arrangment change then you will probably need to find a way to be happy enough in your marriage as it is now. An affair (on your part) won't make things better. It will only add to the mess. I'm sorry you are going through this. By the way, why isn't your husband working while you stay at home with your baby??? Maybe you covered this already and I missed it.....

Edited for spelling and grammar.



DenimDiva -> RE: How did YOU know when to call it quits? (11/19/2007 5:32:54 PM)

For me the time to call it quits was when my dd started talking suicide and my husband would do nothing to get us into counseling or even let her go to counseling.



christsgirl -> RE: How did YOU know when to call it quits? - UPDATE (3/20/2008 9:02:24 AM)

Hello everyone.

I wanted to give you guys an update on my situation. A lot has happened since I last posted - good and bad. But here's the latest (It's a posting from another site that I go to). I'd like comments and prayers.

I always new my husband had a problem with boundaries, morals, and ethical standards (as well as many other issues), but he recently did the unthinkable, and I have to say that I am DONE! For the past two months, he hasn't been wearing his wedding ring...told me he lost it. Well, I found a receipt in his pocket this past weekend, indicating that he pawned it for $20. When I confronted him about it, he went into a defensive mode...not at all apologetic. He recently lost his job, and said that he didn't have any money, so that's why he did it. Is that what the symbolization of our union is worth? A measly $20?? I let it go, just didn't say anything else. We haven't spoken in two days. This was just the last straw for me. Not to mention the fact that he left to go to his friend's house on Saturday night, and didn't return until Sunday at 12 noon. So, that's it. I'm putting my son in Daycare (he keeps him during the day), and telling him he has to leave. I stopped wearing my ring already since he pawned his.

And Last thing...he lost his job due to "excessive absence" which I only found out due to the unemployment agency doing an investigation and sending a letter home; he didn't tell me that was why (of course he lied as he always does). I never knew that he was calling into work, so where could he have possibly been when he was supposed to be at work? Keep in mind that he worked nights so he could keep our son in the daytime.

So, I wrote him a letter yesterday because I knew that having a verbal conversation would not be productive. In the letter, I told him that I wanted him to be out of the house in 2 weeks. His only response to the long letter I wrote him was "2 weeks is fine". And that was it. My son will be in daycare on Monday, and he's leaving. So now, thinking further into time, what practical stipulations and guidelines can I put in place for his return home if he ever calls and says he wants to come home? I mean, as for the porn thing, I can demand that he joins some type of recovery group or something. But as for the lies? Also, how long should I "wait" for him to get himself together? Did I do the right thing?

Christsgirl



lostsomuch -> RE: How did YOU know when to call it quits? - UPDATE (3/20/2008 9:54:01 AM)

Ok. Before I did anything, i would speak directly to a pastor, put myself and my husband and child and our marriage on a prayer list - or several of them. I would buy Christian music,books, dvds to have around because you are going to go through times of trial. Put signatures in your e-mails and screensavers with scripture.
I know it sounds funny, but trust me. It is no coincidence that when we go through times of trial the deceiver tries to pull us from Him. Have friends that will hold you accountable at least a few times a week and go to CHRISTIAN counseling.

Now. Decide what you need/want from this situation.
Do you want to save the marriage? Why?
What needs to happen (absolutely) before it can be reconciled?
Make out concrete, clear and detailed requirements.
Not: Must maintain proper communication
Yes: Must abide by agreed upon schedule, must let me know when coming/going, must be honest and truthful - no lying about anything ever
(those are just examples to understand specifics).

Also, you need to know, after the list, that you will enforce it. Just like a child, he must learn that these boundaries are here and he will test them just like a child. You must enforce them.

If he is to be separated, give him a timeline (you did that) and then let him know that you will put his articles outside, or.. preferably with a friend or family member.

Figure out how you could best move toward reconciliation.
Is counseling required? Substance abuse? Etc?
What about finance?

PRAY FOR HIM.

Anyway, that's just some starting points. Above all, keep seeking God.

I am in a very serious dangerous abuse situation. I am doing some of these things.
I have this resources, called Changed or Not Changed from http://www.troubledwith.com
Ignore the things relating to abuse, but it shows you how to tell if someone has changed or not changed and there are a variety of ways to do this. I would really stick to a very good and very LICENSED Christian counselor. Your pastor may know someone. Christian is important because the secular world does not think how we do.

http://www.troubledwith.com/AbuseandAddiction/A000000694.cfm?topic=abuse%20and%20addiction%3a%20physical%20and%20verbal%20abuse

Just take a look. Some of these may apply as it seems he is drinking and may be having an affair. Just junk what you can't use (as it relates to actual abuse) and use what you can. ;)

I hope, in some way, I have helped.
In Christ's love.



Hislittleone -> RE: How did YOU know when to call it quits? - UPDATE (3/20/2008 1:16:11 PM)

Yes, I think you did the right thing. It really sounds like he's having an affair (disappearing at all hours, no wedding ring and being just fine when confronted with losing you). If it's not an affair it's something else that is no good. If it were me I would have been gone long ago. It doesn't sound like you really even have a marriage. When he's done playing he comes home to crash and then leaves again. How he reacted to your letter speaks volumes. It sounds like he is 100% emotionally/mentally checked out of this marriage and has been using you for a place to stay and someone to take care of him. I don't believe that you are required to stay given the circumstances.

But if you do choose to consider reconciliation you should allow AT LEAST 1 year for him to PROVE to you that he has changed and is trustworthy and willing to participate in the marriage. Have a clear list of expectations and do not deviate from that. If he fails to consistently follow through with your requirments then you'll know he's not ready for marriage.



christsgirl -> RE: How did YOU know when to call it quits? (3/24/2008 9:02:04 AM)

Okay, so he's really leaving...making plans, packing, etc. I overheard him talking to someone (his mom, I believe) about getting his stuff together. He called me last night (he was downstairs, I was upstairs) to ask me about how much his truck payment is....he's going to be transferring it to his name or his mother's, I suspect. So, of course I'm sad. I want so badly just to call him and tell him I love him and we can work this out. But I just can't. I've done that before and we are here again. So that's just not an option. I've started my fast today...just eating fruits and vegetables for the next three days (maybe more if I feel led). However, I must say that I don't feel that God is with me. I just can't feel his presence. I talk to him all day everyday, but he never talks back. It's so discouraging. I'll continue anyways because it's all I know to do...all I was taught and raised to do. Please pray for me. I feel so sad.



car2ner -> RE: How did YOU know when to call it quits? (3/24/2008 4:10:50 PM)

Just be aware that your emotions will be up and down like a roller coaster. Don't make any decisions based on strong emotions. They can give you the push start you need but the bid decisions need to be worked out with a clear head.



hotsaucygma -> RE: How did YOU know when to call it quits? (3/24/2008 4:43:45 PM)

I would, as usual [&:], recommend checking for a DivorceCare group near you- they work with people going through divorce, and those wanting to reconcile their marriages. You will go through many of the same emotions and situations seperated that you would be going through if one of you had already filed for divorce, it should help you no matter what decision is made in the long run.

Take your time, you do not have to make any final decisions right now.



fist.sensei -> RE: How did YOU know when to call it quits? (3/25/2008 12:32:52 PM)

To the original question:

I quit when my ex-wife said she was done trying and meant it. Not during a fight, not on a whim... very thought-out and intentional.

My only advice would be to have a plan... don't just tell him to move out and try and wing it after that. My ex did did that and it failed miserably. She had no plan on counseling, on what we were doing at this point, timeline for moving back in, progress checks, etc.

The only thing that happened was we built seperate lives, and she decided it wasn't worth her effort to try and reconcile.

So be careful in having him move out, it might backfire on you... I know you want some of the hurtful behavior far away, but if you intend to reconcile it might be the push he needs to validate quitting in his mind.



TMeeks -> RE: How did YOU know when to call it quits? (3/25/2008 1:44:57 PM)

There is a lot of turmoil going on in your mind and your life. This is not time to be making life long decisions without going back to the basics.

Christsgirl,

Combining your posts and analyzing them leads me to believe that you have a LOT going on in your mind right now. You have faith issues, marriage issues and conflict over your desire to leave your marriage and what you know to be true in the Bible.

So, things are swirling around like a tornado.

Oddly enough, turmoil creates MORE turmoil in a feedback loop between your mind and your body. And, turmoil is the result of FEAR based thinking. You are afraid that you can never find happiness in your marriage. You are afraid that the God you THOUGHT you believed in doesn't exist. You are afraid you will do something stupid out of the fear that you will never find love in your marriage. There is fear upon fear spiraling out of control with this fear feeding that fear, etc. And, all the time this is going on your brain is kicking out chemicals that are toxic to your body and toxic to your thinking.

The beginning of the solution is to just stop for a moment and say, "Whoaaa! This is just NUTS!!! I'm killing myself here!!!!" [:D]

And, then go back to the basics and give yourself time to find the answers to questions like these BEFORE you make those life-altering decisions of no return.

Where am I now?
Does God exist?
Does God love me?
Does God see my current situation?
What is God's attitude toward my current situation?
Can God do anything about my current situation?
Can God make this marriage all that I'd hoped it would be?
What is MY responsibility in turning this marriage around?

You've probably seen that I have referred many, many people to two books.

The first book will allow you to see the MAGNITUDE of God in a way that you probably have never heard it before. It's called Cat & Dog Theology by Sogren. Until God occuplies His rightful place in your life then worrying about whether or not divorce is bad is a moot point. If God isn't God then who cares what He says about divorce. Right now, you're at a point where God may be too small to matter. And, I KNOW THAT YOU WANT TO CHANGE THAT. This book will help you.

The second book will be a real eye-opener. A LOT of what you and your husband are going through is simply that you DO think differently. But, couples are MEANT to think differently because we are all unique creations of God. The problem isn't exactly that you think differently, it's that both of you brought baggage into your relationship and just piled more baggage onto the old baggage as you interacted. But, there IS a solution to this and the Bible calls this RENEWING your Mind and TAKING ON the Mind of Christ. A book (or better yet, DVD set) that will help you learn how to allow the Bible to do this is "Who Switched Off My Mind"

Right now, you fear that you do not have time to delay making a decision. But, I'm 64 and I'm guessing you are MUCH younger. Age and experience alone tells me that you DO have time. And, it also tells me that if you don't take the time now to get your foundation firm, you will just make worse mistakes in picking out a mate in the futures. I've seen it over and over and over.

This is YOUR time to get on firm ground and THEN go forward in your life. I think you will be very pleasantly surprised what an ENORMOUS GOD is able to do in a tiny life. [:)]

Lord, let Christsgirl rest in you and determine to make you Lord of her Life. Move her closer and closer to the center of Your will for her today and every day.



TMeeks -> RE: How did YOU know when to call it quits? - UPDATE (3/25/2008 1:58:19 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: christsgirl

Hello everyone.

I wanted to give you guys an update on my situation. A lot has happened since I last posted - good and bad. But here's the latest (It's a posting from another site that I go to). I'd like comments and prayers.

I always new my husband had a problem with boundaries, morals, and ethical standards (as well as many other issues), but he recently did the unthinkable, and I have to say that I am DONE! For the past two months, he hasn't been wearing his wedding ring...told me he lost it. Well, I found a receipt in his pocket this past weekend, indicating that he pawned it for $20. When I confronted him about it, he went into a defensive mode...not at all apologetic. He recently lost his job, and said that he didn't have any money, so that's why he did it. Is that what the symbolization of our union is worth? A measly $20?? I let it go, just didn't say anything else. We haven't spoken in two days. This was just the last straw for me. Not to mention the fact that he left to go to his friend's house on Saturday night, and didn't return until Sunday at 12 noon. So, that's it. I'm putting my son in Daycare (he keeps him during the day), and telling him he has to leave. I stopped wearing my ring already since he pawned his.

And Last thing...he lost his job due to "excessive absence" which I only found out due to the unemployment agency doing an investigation and sending a letter home; he didn't tell me that was why (of course he lied as he always does). I never knew that he was calling into work, so where could he have possibly been when he was supposed to be at work? Keep in mind that he worked nights so he could keep our son in the daytime.

So, I wrote him a letter yesterday because I knew that having a verbal conversation would not be productive. In the letter, I told him that I wanted him to be out of the house in 2 weeks. His only response to the long letter I wrote him was "2 weeks is fine". And that was it. My son will be in daycare on Monday, and he's leaving. So now, thinking further into time, what practical stipulations and guidelines can I put in place for his return home if he ever calls and says he wants to come home? I mean, as for the porn thing, I can demand that he joins some type of recovery group or something. But as for the lies? Also, how long should I "wait" for him to get himself together? Did I do the right thing?

Christsgirl

This only confirms my feeling that the books I've suggested to you are going to be more valuable than gold to you on so MANY levels.

I don't know your husband; but, even the little that you have posted indicates to me that he, too, is in great pain and may be in a serious depression.

If you want to live up to the name you chose to post under, then please, realize that Christ died for ALL of us... even those that we feel have hurt us deeply. Please take a few minutes and consider your husband's pain, too. Do you think Jesus doesn't care about him as much as He cares about you?

There is an old saying, "Rejected People Reject" and I'm guessing that you aren't the only one feeling rejected in your home right now.

Christsgirl, we are called to love even when we feel unloved. You learn that and you will have a wonderful future. Ignore that and life will just repeat itself over and over.



TMeeks -> RE: How did YOU know when to call it quits? (3/25/2008 2:12:44 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: christsgirl

Okay, so he's really leaving...making plans, packing, etc. I overheard him talking to someone (his mom, I believe) about getting his stuff together. He called me last night (he was downstairs, I was upstairs) to ask me about how much his truck payment is....he's going to be transferring it to his name or his mother's, I suspect. So, of course I'm sad. I want so badly just to call him and tell him I love him and we can work this out. But I just can't. I've done that before and we are here again. So that's just not an option. I've started my fast today...just eating fruits and vegetables for the next three days (maybe more if I feel led). However, I must say that I don't feel that God is with me. I just can't feel his presence. I talk to him all day everyday, but he never talks back. It's so discouraging. I'll continue anyways because it's all I know to do...all I was taught and raised to do. Please pray for me. I feel so sad.

Don't try to manipulate God. It doesn't work and will only make you more discouraged about FEELING God's presence.

Find a comfortable chair. Turn off all the TVs and Radios and just relax for a few minutes.

Then just thank God that he has promised to be with you always... whether you feel him or not. Just acknowledge that you believe his promises no matter HOW you feel. Then, perhaps, spend a few moments praising God for His creation and love.

QUIT MAKING DEMANDS OF GOD. He really doesn't need us to tell him what's going on. He's God. He's IN you if you are a Christian. HE'S LIVED IT ALL WITH YOU!

So, rest in that fact.

If you can, please consider praying FOR your husband. Invite God to work in your husband's life. For healing, sooner or later you are going to have to forgive him. So, I suggest sooner is better than later since unforgiveness only hurts US.

And, finally, forget the suggestions you get in a forum to dissolve your marriage when none of us know your husband's background, your background and how you got to this place. The only one you need to obey is Jesus Christ and your primary concern right now is to get THAT relationship right. Decisions about your marriage are secondary.



Dlinc -> RE: How did YOU know when to call it quits? (3/25/2008 2:41:18 PM)

Trust God and always believe in him. He will never leave you nor forsake you.
Continue to lift Jesus up and and praise him like no other and believe him for your aswer and that it is on its way. It may be rough now, but don't give up on JESUS!



christsgirl -> RE: How did YOU know when to call it quits? (3/27/2008 7:47:14 AM)

Here's an update......

The day before yesterday when I came home, we were spending some time talking about everything. He told me that he was very insensitive for pawning the ring, but that he didn't see it the way I did, or the way he, perhaps, should have. He said the ring (or material things in general) doesn't hold much value to him. He said that he understands that it symbolizes our union, but that when he pawned it, it meant nothing to him - he was still very married, still acted married, still loved me the same, etc. He said he just simply needed money. We talked for several hours, then I stood up, bent down to pick up my son, and when I stood up he was right there in my face. He just hugged me (with a big, tight squeeze) and kissed me. He just stood there hugging me for a little while. I just hugged back.

Yesterday, we continued talking, and I just kept asking him what he's willing to do to save the marriage? Counseling? Every man's battle (for the porn)? He said he wasn't willing to do any of that because he hates counseling and he doesn't feel that any of the counseling we've done previously has been effective at all. So, I said, will you fast and pray with me? He said "these are all YOUR suggestions". So I said, okay, you give some suggestions. But it has to be something more than just talking because we've done that before, and we're here again. He couldn't offer any suggestions. So I don't think he thinks the marriage is worth a little discomfort on his end. He says I don't appreciate his efforts because I said he's not willing to "FIGHT" and I am! He says "how about when I went to counseling before when I didn't want to? That was never recognized or appreciated by you". But I don't see how I'm supposed to view that as him doing me some kind of favor or something....it's OUR marriage...not MINE! Anyways, he says that his day-to-day efforts are not recognized either. What day-to-day efforts, you might ask? Well, how when I want something (to eat perhaps) that he doesn't want, he just lets me have what I want instead of fussing and fighting about it. Or when he's going somewhere, he asks me "if I mind" and when I go somewhere, I say "I'm going...". He says he doesn't put up a fuss about stuff like that. He just lets it go. I said, well, that's day-to-day stuff, but what about when the going gets TOUGH like it is now, when our marriage is on the brink of separation? What are you willing to do above and beyond that stuff to save our marriage? What EXTRA fight do you have in you? He could not give me ONE action item he could commit to to save our marriage. He only TOLD me that he won't do this (lying) and he'll stop doing that (coming in late)...whatever. I told him that it's not fair and doesn't make me feel good at all to know that he's not willing to FIGHT for our marriage...that I am here, and want to be here, and I'm willing to FIGHT for it...do whatever it takes!! But he can't say the same thing.

So he slept in our bed last night (for the first time since I asked him to leave a week ago). I was already sleep when he came to bed, but I just felt him get in. I guess he feels everything's okay. But it's not! I'm still making plans to put my son in daycare on Monday. I just feel so bad about that. My son has spent everyday with his day since birth (he is 10 months now) and his dad is willing to leave and take that daddy's presence away from him because of his own selfish ways and desires. It hurts me to the core. By the way, if he moves, he's moving back to where we're from which is 600 miles away...his mother is still there, and of course willing to accept him back and take up the slack for him! Uggghhhh!! Burns me up!

So my question is....should I just let him go? Really? Or should I just put my pride aside, if not only for the sake of my son, and let him stay, and just act like nothing has happened (while I continue fasting and praying)? I just feel that it's realy unfortunate that my son has to be a victim of all of this mess.

Requesting your prayers today for God's guidance....

Christsgirl



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