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RE: How did YOU know when to call it quits? - 3/27/2008 8:37:42 AM
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YZGUY
Posts: 125
Joined: 3/9/2008
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The book, "Sacred Marriage" by Gary Thomas is another good resource that talks about marriage as a quest for holiness, rather than happiness. "How to Act Right When Your Spouse Acts Wrong" by Leslie Vernick is another good resource.
First, I'd suggest focusing on Christ being your husband and find contentment in this relationship. Someone once said that your worst relationship on earth reflects (to some extent) your relationship with God. Unless you and God are going better and you seek understanding first from Him, then whatever you do in the relationship (from attitude to actions) will probably not be so good. Second, I think the focus of the heart & actions should not be on your husband being the right person for you, but you being the right person for your husband. It is more of a quest for holiness. Like Peter walkin on water - focus on Christ first.
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RE: How did YOU know when to call it quits? - 3/27/2008 10:23:09 AM
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TMeeks
Posts: 1395
Joined: 1/27/2007
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When I was a teacher I was tough on kids because I cared about them. I could see their potential and I wasn't about to let them get by with doing anything other than their best. In that spirit I am going to get a little tough on you in this message. 
You didn't get in this position quickly. Yet, you want to get out of it quickly.
It may be that this attitude is causing you to miss the movement of God in your husband's life. He makes a positive move and you throw up a big hurdle for him to jump over before you go further. That is not quite resting in Jesus to accomplish His work. That's manipulating to speed things up.
The DEMAND to your husband to FAST and PRAY seemed out of line to me.
First, it seemed a failure on your part to do what God has called you to do and that is to RESPECT your husband. I know that is hard. But, I DON'T see any caveats attached to that command to wives. God says to do it and we chose to obey or not obey.
Secondly, it's back to doing WORKS to twist God's arm to do something fast. It seems that it's become a BENCHMARK of commitment for you. It is FATIH in MY FAITH and MY FASTING.
There is a time for FASTING and PRAYER in the sense that you are talking about. But, it's NEVER used as manipulation. God doesn't need you to do His work in your husband's life. Nor, does He need you to do His work in your marriage. He is, it appears to me, already moving if you actually prayed that He would move you into the center of His will. So, again, I will urge you to step back and watch GOD work.
Lord, may Christsgirl learn to see the little things you are doing to bring both her and her husband into the very center of Your will for them. You are the creator of the universe, the God that formed billions of stars and designed us. So, nothing is too big for you and you know us intimately. We also know that your Holy Spirit is in Christsgirl and has walked through every single disappointment, every single argument and every single sleepless night. So, we know that she can't tell you a single thing that you don't already know. Lord, we REST IN YOU TO ACCOMPLISH YOUR WILL IN HER LIFE AND HER MARRIAGE today and every day.
Keep it simple, Christsgirl. Let God CONTINUE the work he already seems to have started as evidenced by your husband's opening the door just a little bit. Recognize WHY he doesn't want counseling this minute. Get back to that after he's gone a little bit further.
_____________________________
Galatians 6:7 Do not be deceived: God cannot be mocked. A man reaps what he sows. 8 The one who sows to please his sinful nature, from that nature will reap destruction; the one who sows to please the Spirit, from the Spirit will reap eternal life.
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Really need some advice - 4/24/2008 7:46:30 AM
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christsgirl
Posts: 45
Joined: 12/28/2005
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After DH and I decided that we were gonna work on things, he decided to go to our home town to visit his family for a "week". Well, that week has turned into 3 (so far) because I had an interesting discovery that I've confronted him about since he's been gone. When I confronted him about it, he automatically resorted to "we just don't get along...I just want out". I have talked to him only a hand-full of times since he's been gone, and I've cried and cried to him, asking him how he could treat me this way...leaving me and our son for his own selfish reasons. He let me cry and cry without once trying to console or confort me...which only exacerbated my pre-existing feelings that he doesn't love me. I think that he has tried to push me away...he has just been really mean and harsh towards me for no apparent reason; everytime I talk about our relationship, he tells me I'm "stressing him out". The last time I talked to him (via text msg) ...well I shouldn't say "talked" because it was a one-way conversation as he never responded....I told him that it's obvious he wants out, and I will leave him alone now. So my question is, should I really just leave him alone, or should I be trying to be his friend, love him through ALL of his many issues, and just continue to tell him that our son and I miss him and want him home? Of course, I'll continue praying for him too. Any advice?
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RE: Really need some advice - 4/25/2008 5:56:19 AM
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car2ner
Posts: 1869
Joined: 4/11/2005
From: just south of Atlanta GA
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the short of it, don't push but do let him know that the lines of communictation are open. If he is supposed to help with financial support of his child, let him know in a nice but firm way that he can't just walk away from that. He may take it wrong no matter how you say it so try not to feel personally upset if he gets defensive. Do remember that he did hear everything, he just may be trying to defend his actions (right or wrong), but you made your point.
_____________________________
the journal of selling my wonderful home http://www.car2ner.2ya.com (my blog)
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RE: Really need some advice - 4/25/2008 3:59:37 PM
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Godsentjesus
Posts: 4
Joined: 4/25/2008
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I've been Reading your Forums... I am sorry You are having trouble with Marriage but you don't realise how your questions help others in the same boat. I also Listen to New Life Live on radio. This listening and reading helps me a guy with a wife who says she is "done", and doesn't believe we can fix our marriage. I am like you .. I also refuse to give up. I will go on fighting to the end to save mine. The only thing you can change is yourselve. Do a deep inside look at yourself and see if you played any part in this problem. Confess your part.
Beside this forum you really need close christian female friends to help you. Don't go through this alone. God will send you help if you allow him ! Check your church for a support group.
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RE: Really need some advice - 4/27/2008 8:35:44 PM
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pruned
Posts: 1186
Joined: 4/12/2005
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christsgirl,
First, let me apologize for the length of my post.
My heart goes out to you. I am so sorry you are in this place. It is one of unbelievable pain that only someone who has been there can truly understand in any way. I have been there.
My ex was addicted to porn. His lies were believable. He was the most manipulative person I have ever met. He was/is handsome, charming, funny, intelligent. The more involved in porn he became, the more abuse he exhibited. I left when it became unsafe and dangerous for my son from a previous marriage & me to stay. (My son’s father committed adultery and left for this other woman.)
Plans fail for lack of counsel, but with many advisers they succeed. Proverbs 15:22
During the time of my marriage (7 years), my ex had a court-appointed counselor. This person advised me to leave my husband, as did his management team and employers, my counselors and pastors (we moved because he lost his job due to porn), our counselor, friends and family. It took me about 4 more years to make that decision myself, and we almost stayed too long. If all of the members in your IRL support system are not encouraging you to leave this man, I would venture to believe there is still life in your marriage, and there is reason to try.
My wedding vows went something like this: for better for worse, for richer for poorer, in sickness and in health. In my marriage’s worst of times I couldn’t see a way out. I had clearly gotten worse, poor, and sick, but that didn’t give me a right or biblical grounds to leave. Like someone else has mentioned, porn is adultery. That’s a biblical reason, but it’s not a biblical mandate. God allowed adultery as an excuse for divorce, yet He did not command it.
I would tell you that God did not call us to be happy. He calls us to be faithful to Him in our circumstances. He does not guarantee happiness in any walk of life, including marriage. Take a look over in the Singles folder, and you’re likely to find more than a few unhappy singles. You’ve also said that you don’t believe in remarriage. Again, there is no guarantee that option will be available in the future, even if you did believe in remarriage.
My goodness it doesn’t sound like I have compassion for you, but my heart is breaking for your situation. Your husband is clearly not loving, honoring and respecting you. These are certainly reasonable expectations of a husband. Only you can make your own decisions for your life and future, preferably seeking The LORD’s guidance as you are doing by fasting and praying.
For what it’s worth, my reading list included the following titles.
- An Affair of the Mind by Laurie Hall
- Codependent No More by Melody Beattie
- Boundaries by Dr. Henry Cloud
- False Intimacy by Harry W. Schaumburg
- Women Who Love Sex Addicts by Douglas Weiss and Dianne DeBusk
- Sacred Marriage - What if God Designed Marriage to Make Us Holy More Than to Make Us Happy? by Gary Thomas
- Love Must Be Tough by Dr. James Dobson
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RE: How did YOU know when to call it quits? - 4/28/2008 12:23:09 PM
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christsgirl
Posts: 45
Joined: 12/28/2005
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So for the past two weeks, DH and I have been going back and forth trying to work it out. Well, he says he's coming home, but eveytime he's supposed to come home, it's always SOMETHING! First, he didn't have any money to get on the road; so he waited til he could get some from his mother. NOW, he said that he ate something that made him sick, and he's been throwing up and using the bathroom (supposedly) for the last day and a half. Well, OF COURSE I don't believe him in the least bit! Why won't he just come home? What's his problem? How could a person be so content with being a rotten human being with NO job? I just don't understand. If I were him, I'd truly HATE myself! How come he doesn't? Perhaps it's because he doesn't really see himself for what he truly is? I pray that God shows him a TRUE reflection of himself, so detailed to the point that it either compels him to CHANGE or die. I know that sounds harsh, but that's truly the way I feel. I guess I'm just really in denial here, huh? I should really just let him stay there, and I should just move on? UGH!!!!! I'm sooooo SICK of his trash he dishes out!!!!!
And why does it seem that God won't tell me what I should do? I have been praying and praying and praying for guidance, and for some reason, He just won't give me any answers or direction. Why? What am I doing wrong (besides allowing my husband to anger me to the point of disdain)?
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RE: How did YOU know when to call it quits? - 4/29/2008 5:16:39 PM
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tfkeel
Posts: 102
Joined: 4/19/2005
From: Pennsylvania
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quote:
And why does it seem that God won't tell me what I should do?
There is one kind of prayer God doesn't answer. And that is, a prayer He ALREADY answered.
God already told you what to do in the bible......
He gave you the parable of the prodigal son. However, you continue to kill the fatted calf when your husband HAS NOT RETURNED.
You want God to give him a true reflection of himself, yet you keep on begging, cajoling, and pleading with him to come home.
The Lord Jesus Christ told you what to do with those who are living errant lives in Matthew 18:15-17. Yet you have never obeyed the third action, to let him "be to you as a heathen and a publican".
The Apostle Paul said "whosoever would not work, ought not to eat".... yet, he manages to manipulate his way back into being fed. You are not entirely at fault for this, his family is propping him up now, too.
quote:
I guess I'm just really in denial here, huh?
Boy, I'll say.....
quote:
I should really just let him stay there, and I should just move on?
Yes. That would be my advice. Come on, do you really want a husband like this? Isn't God doing you a favor by giving you grounds for divorce by abandonment?
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RE: How did YOU know when to call it quits? - 4/29/2008 9:27:17 PM
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carl54
Posts: 41
Joined: 5/31/2005
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In your present state I hope you don´t get anywhere close to those other successfull men you see around. I´m afraid you will make them miserable too. Others have told you that you have to get yourself together before you can be successful in any relationship. You have disobeyed God but you blame the outcome of your disobedience on him. God can work with you in your present situation but he would not do it under YOUR conditions. You must submit to him, not the other way around. Submit to him and leave the outcome to him. That´s the christian walk. Don´t try to predetermine the outcome. He may keep you together or he may separate you but it will be good either way because he is good and he cares about us. Have that kind of faith and you will get through this with guaranteed success (undetermined faith outcome).
Trust God!
_____________________________
Walk in the Sirit and you will not gratify the desires of the flesh. Gal 5:16
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RE: How did YOU know when to call it quits? - 5/1/2008 1:30:20 AM
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tkc300
Posts: 28
Joined: 5/28/2006
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I have been divorced now for about ummmm 2 weeks. Seperated 2 yrs. I didnt ask nor want my divorce it was handed to me. I think people forget that marriage is hard work and attempt to become single thinking marriage will make them whole. God will make you whole. and if he is the center of your life and marriage everything else will fall into place. I have endured struggle after struggle with my marriage and divorce, and I would hate to say but I would do it again. I vowed b4 god to be with that person til death do us part and I was willing to honor that commitment even at 17 I am now 31 and left with 3 babies, but God provides and has taken care of us. I have not lost faith in man even though the one I loved failed me with another woman. I someday hope to remarry knowing it will be hard, and there will e times I want to quit, but I wont. God hates Divorce and I understand y. It affects everyone not just the two parties involved.
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RE: How did YOU know when to call it quits? - 5/1/2008 11:41:27 AM
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carl54
Posts: 41
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tck -- Well said, sister. I´m praying that God will give supply your every need as you raise your three children with or without another husband. I pray he would bring someone else into your life since that is the desire of your heart. God rewards our faithfulness!
_____________________________
Walk in the Sirit and you will not gratify the desires of the flesh. Gal 5:16
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RE: How did YOU know when to call it quits? - 5/1/2008 1:45:09 PM
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christsgirl
Posts: 45
Joined: 12/28/2005
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Thanks for all your thoughtful responses everyone. It's been three days since I've talked to my H, and tomorrow makes a whole MONTH since he's been gone. Throughout this process, I have vacillated through a myriad of various emotions/moods as one would expect. However, my current emotion is ANGER. I just can't stop thinking about how HE has the NERVE to leave ME...it may sound arrogant which it is not in any way intended to sound that way. It's just that I've done SOOO much for him...in fact TOO much I'm afraid, in many ways enabling his behavior. Then he leaves ME??? What a slap in the face! Situations like this can really tend to play on my self-esteem...I have to keep talking to myself, telling myself that it's not my fault. I KNOW that I was a good woman to him...not saying that I was perfect, but I was sure striving to be.
So now he's down there in our home town talking to only God knows on the cell phone that I'M paying for, and driving around to see only God knows WHO with the truck that I'M making the monthly payments for. I feel soooo betrayed and taken advantage of. I told myself that I would not make any rash or hasty decisions by cutting off his phone or repossessing the truck; but as each day goes by, I begin to think WHY NOT? Then I answer that question with..."I don't want to be vengeful (sp?) and start taking things from him out of anger...I don't want to sabotage things....what if I push him away further by taking this type of action?" I just keep thinking that I will really start to "close the door" once I start making those types of moves, and I only want to be in God's will. I don't want to allow my feelings of the flesh to dictate my actions. But of course on the other side, I feel that he shouldn't have any "benefits" as if we are together if we're clearly not. Or that I should not allow him to take advantage of me. I'm just so torn and hurt right now.
This whole thing is just so sad and painful. If this ends in divorce, I just can't imagine being abstinent for as long as it takes for God to send me another husband (that is IF He does)....the mere THOUGHT is just so depressing 
I've noticed that many people on this board have stopped responding to my posts probably because they're tired of my situation (trust me, I am TOO), but I REALLY need some input here. Should I be cutting off the phone? Repossessing the truck? Or should I give it a little more time (I was thinking 2 weeks for the phone, then one more month for the truck)? Would this be vengeful? Am I crazy?
< Message edited by christsgirl -- 5/1/2008 2:18:08 PM >
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RE: How did YOU know when to call it quits? - 5/1/2008 3:13:57 PM
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Hislittleone
Posts: 491
Joined: 7/13/2007
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Christsgirl, I'm posting somewhat blind (haven't read every post in this thread but I have read some of your older posts).
Your husband stays out till all hours of the night and day (sometimes not even coming home) and you don't know where he's been.
He lies to you.
He looks at porn and shows no apparent remorse and intentions of quitting.
He has already left you.
Some marriage experts say that leaving a wayward husband will often give him a much needed wake up call. But if a woman waits around until he does the leaving it's much, much harder to save the marriage.
You need to draw a line and put an end to this craziness.
I agree with tfkeel: quote:
You want God to give him a true reflection of himself, yet you keep on begging, cajoling, and pleading with him to come home.
The Lord Jesus Christ told you what to do with those who are living errant lives in Matthew 18:15-17. Yet you have never obeyed the third action, to let him "be to you as a heathen and a publican".
The Apostle Paul said "whosoever would not work, ought not to eat".... yet, he manages to manipulate his way back into being fed. You are not entirely at fault for this, his family is propping him up now, too.
You know what you need to do......now go do it!
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RE: How did YOU know when to call it quits? - 5/1/2008 4:18:14 PM
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laura...
Posts: 2871
Joined: 3/1/2005
From: NE Ohio
Status: offline
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quote:
But of course on the other side, I feel that he shouldn't have any "benefits" as if we are together if we're clearly not.
There's your answer. Cut off the cell phone. Repo the truck. See a lawyer to protect your financial status. Any debts he accumulates will end up being yours if you do not protect yourself.
I truly am sorry that you are going through such a painful time. I've been there. The paralysis of not knowing what to do makes it much worse. Taking control of your life and your future helps tremendously. Right now your husband is controlling you even though he's far away and not even speaking to you. Make the decisions you know you need to make. Don't let self doubt keep you in limbo.
_____________________________
This is what the Lord says: “Stop at the crossroads and look around. Ask for the old, godly way, and walk in it. Travel its path, and you will find rest for your souls. But you reply, ‘No, that’s not the road we want!’ Jer 6:16
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RE: How did YOU know when to call it quits? - 5/2/2008 12:20:34 AM
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Ashyah
Posts: 15
Joined: 9/25/2005
Status: offline
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You pay his phone and truck. His mother supplies other needs.
You are all supporting him.
He is troubled and needs to face his problems.
Don't make the payments on that truck and shut off the phone. Don't contact him. You have enough problems with paying bills on your own and including the daycare expenses.
Stop doubting God. Stop beng angry at God. God is there for you. Have your quiet time time with the Lord. Ask him to carry you through this time. Lift your husband to the Lord. Work on yourself and your relationship with God and everything else will fall into place.
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RE: How did YOU know when to call it quits? - 5/8/2008 11:41:37 AM
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SinnerSaved
Posts: 206
Joined: 10/28/2007
From: Belfast, N. Ireland
Status: offline
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Christsgirl,
I am truly sorry for your situation, but I must say that I am quite confused.
quote:
ORIGINAL: christsgirl
So, I wrote him a letter yesterday because I knew that having a verbal conversation would not be productive. In the letter, I told him that I wanted him to be out of the house in 2 weeks.
In this post, you have told him to leave
quote:
ORIGINAL: christsgirl
So he slept in our bed last night (for the first time since I asked him to leave a week ago). I was already sleep when he came to bed, but I just felt him get in. I guess he feels everything's okay. But it's not! I'm still making plans to put my son in daycare on Monday. I just feel so bad about that. My son has spent everyday with his day since birth (he is 10 months now) and his dad is willing to leave and take that daddy's presence away from him because of his own selfish ways and desires. It hurts me to the core. By the way, if he moves, he's moving back to where we're from which is 600 miles away...his mother is still there, and of course willing to accept him back and take up the slack for him! Uggghhhh!! Burns me up!
In this post you accuse him of selfishness because he has agreed to your request that he should leave.
quote:
ORIGINAL: christsgirl
However, my current emotion is ANGER. I just can't stop thinking about how HE has the NERVE to leave ME...it may sound arrogant which it is not in any way intended to sound that way. It's just that I've done SOOO much for him...in fact TOO much I'm afraid, in many ways enabling his behavior. Then he leaves ME??? What a slap in the face! Situations like this can really tend to play on my self-esteem...I have to keep talking to myself, telling myself that it's not my fault. I KNOW that I was a good woman to him...not saying that I was perfect, but I was sure striving to be.
And yet now in this post you vent your anger at him actually leaving you which was actually at your request! I do not seek to excuse any of your husband's past behaviour, but there are clearly issues which you both have that need to be addressed, ideally with a Christian consellor.
_____________________________
"No man is an island, entire of itself...any man's death diminishes me, because I am involved in mankind; and therefore never send to know for whom the bell tolls; it tolls for thee."
John Donne
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RE: How did YOU know when to call it quits? - 5/8/2008 7:32:20 PM
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keepingfaith
Posts: 509
Joined: 5/11/2007
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quote:
And I recommend that you abandon any hope that you have that HE'LL EVER CHANGE. The most reliable indicator of a person's future performance is his relevant past performance.
I am not saying that he CANNOT change. I am just saying that it is unlikely that he ever will.
Either kick him to the curb, or stop worrying about it and live your own life as best you can for the Lord.
I'm not sure how anyone can read the Bible and come to this conclusion that people don't change... People DO change and they change when they have an encounter with JESUS. This man needs Jesus. Lives ARE transformed by the power of God. I have heard horror stories of men who were transformed from the most abusive hard people into the most kind loving Godly men... when they became born again!!! Just like the Word says they will... that should be our prayer for him- that he finds Jesus and everything else will fall into place.
As Christians who turn the other cheek, love our enemies, and pray for those who persecute us... I don't see how "kicking someone to the curb" should be our attitude toward ANYONE. We should have compassion for someone who is lost... not condemn them. Jesus said not to judge (he who is without sin). I'm not saying someone should not remove themselves from a situation if it becomes harmful, but I believe we are still called to remain faithful to our vows til death.
The most Biblical advice I saw on here... was about giving up at death (the only thing that dissolves the marital bond)... 1cor7:10-11, 1cor7:39. That's when Christ gives up on us- He gives us until death to repent and reconcile to Him and thank goodness He does...
Please don't listen to anyone here... the Word has all your answers. You will find lots of "easy" answers here... but His answers are usually not the easy ones...
God Bless
< Message edited by keepingfaith -- 5/8/2008 7:40:51 PM >
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