RE: How do I put adultery in the past?? (Full Version)

All Forums >> [Life] >> Marriage



Message

poorjam -> RE: How do I put adultery in the past?? (12/5/2007 3:10:47 PM)

Wow! I have read through this whole thread, and it sure has a lot of good advice. I came looking for some prayer and advice also, because my husband had an affair 2 years ago with someone I trusted as a friend, and I still have been unable to get past it. I say this because, although I have forgiven him and together we decided to work on our marriage - there are days that I feel as if it happened just yesterday and I bring it up and sometimes throw it at his face. For the most part I am O.K, but there are little things that happen that can trigger the pain and humiliation to resurface all over again and it puts me back in square one. The little things can be watching a tv program or a movie, and there is a scene or discussion about an affair. Also just last week, my nephew found out that his wife has been cheating on him, and they have 4 kids. The bad thing about it, is that she previously had cheated on him, he forgave her and they reconciled - only for her to do it again. I have been hearing the statement 'A cheater is always a cheater!' and that has been on my mind. This opened up the sore, and last night I brought it up and said a lot of awful things to him.
I know this is unhealthy and it is not good, so am looking for professional counseling and prayer. Reason I logged on.



iwillfearnoevil -> RE: How do I put adultery in the past?? (12/5/2007 3:29:31 PM)

please stop throwing it in your husbands face if you want to keep trying to rebuild your marriage. he had an affair 2 years ago and is not still having the affair. altho you can't just forgive and forget, everytime you bring it up, it's a reminder to him. i'll pray for you. the statement, a cheater is always a cheater, is not true. it is from the devil and you need to try to get ahold of your thought life and tell yourself that's not true. there have been numerous spouses who have only had one affair and both spouses worked together to rebuild their shattered marriage. i advise you to read surviving an affair by dr harley as i've recommended like 10 times on this thread. if money is tight, get it at the library. your pain won't just go away over time as you noticed but can go away with work by both spouses. you can do it.



mary0965 -> RE: How do I put adultery in the past?? (12/6/2007 2:54:24 PM)

I'm new to the forum but have been reading all the entries and I too pray for all of you. I too, have had infidelity in my marriage just recently from March 07 to early June 07 - my husband or 14 years of marriage had a relationship with a co-worker - she has since quit - by her husbands request. We both are christian families - my husband did it because he did not feel love or respect from me. Which I have to admit there were times. I had him not come home when I found out and he did nothing but call and ask for forgiveness, I had counseled with a friend from church and she stated I needed to let him come home to talk especially if he wanted to repent. He repented and we cried all night and we talked about it for a couple days. He was reluctant to tell me all details which I knew mostly anyways because the other woman had told me a lot of it plus her husband. He told me most things but my counsel also told me that I didn't need to know everything and it would just hurt more - which the more I know it does hurt so I would definately advise against that. Plus it haunts you more and more and Satan uses that against us. He has been nothing but loving, caring, and we pray together all the time at meals and when I am feeling down he will pray for me - he doesn't want to talk about it anymore and just wants to go on with our marriage and our lives together. He promises never to hurt me or have that ever happen again. It has been 6 months now and this is where I struggle, I can't get past the whole part of it and Iknow I have read everyone else and they are in the same boat but I am checking voicemails at work ( he has given me the password), I check phone calls on the cell, and I am always suspicious of his every move. He doesn't know I do these things and he knows I am still stuggling with the whole thing. I have in the past two days said that I would not check up on him any more and just let things be. Let me tell you - these 2 days have been hard. Satan is eating away at my brain telling me that I need to check. But in the 6 months that I have - nothing has ever happened and he has not even given me a reason for anything to happen. I know it is just a trust issue and I should be getting some of that back by now but I am driving myself crazy and making my life miserable when I could be enjoying my husband and my life - thoughts??



mary0965 -> RE: How do I put adultery in the past?? (12/6/2007 3:03:02 PM)

I also wanted to say that he went to the alter with me and we cried even more about 2 weeks after he truly repented. Plus I think the things that hurt the worst is that what I thought was the man I married wasn't. I thought he was a solid man of faith and a good christian man that I admired and thought that he could never do something like this to me. I - in our early years of marriage was not faithful either - he never knew - plus I ended it due to the fact that I became a christian and realized it was wrong. I try to tell myself that I did it and he did - we are even - now go on with life but I just can't seem to stop the emotional turmoil in my heart.



iwillfearnoevil -> RE: How do I put adultery in the past?? (12/6/2007 4:07:49 PM)

i'm sorry for your pain. first off why is checking his voicemail and call logs a bad thing? you are working to build up trust again. i'd advise you check his cell log online rather than on the phone where calls can be deleted and leave a space in the log. this is a classic case of exposure ending an affair. affairs thrive in secrecy and are a fantasyland. exposure kills all that and now there's a chance for two marriages to be rebuilt. it is also unfair you are keeping your affair a secret from your husband, do you not have any guilt about keeping it a secret? if you do, maybe that is upsetting you too and adding to the pain. it sounds like there are very deep problems when there are multiple affairs in the marriage over a long period of time. maybe it's time to come clean and have a fresh start.



hurtinginlove -> RE: How do I put adultery in the past?? (12/6/2007 4:16:56 PM)

Curiosity does eat at you. If you don't know what really happened, you assume the worst. Then when they tell you, you wonder if they are telling the whole truth or holding back details they think will really hurt. Either way, it is a losing situation for the one cheated on. If your spouse has been in an affair, then they have lied to you at some point. Once you are lied to about something so serious you question everything. Things are different post affair than pre affair. I used to like the song "Secrete Lovers" now I can't stand it. Turn that mess off!!! That's just one scenerio. If infidelity happens or is talked about on TV, I leave the room. Too many things in my everyday life reminds me of the pain and there I go again to that low low low point. I thought I had a rock solid woman too. At this point in my life, nothing surprises me.



iwillfearnoevil -> RE: How do I put adultery in the past?? (12/6/2007 4:27:42 PM)

hurtinginlove, those triggers like an affair in a movie or song will effect you less and less as time goes on AND your marriage improves. please believe me. there may even come a point in time where it doesn't drop you into a depression. you'll be able to shake it off, whatever that means. it'll bounce off you, like you'll think, affairs really suck, and then keep living. i'm so sorry you're in pain and i'm not trying to trivialize it by saying it doesn't matter and will go away so don't worry about. i'm just trying to give you encouragement.



NoShow -> RE: How do I put adultery in the past?? (12/6/2007 4:52:38 PM)

My hurdle is the trust issue. I can forgive, but it's going to take time for there to be trust again. Unfortunately, trust is pretty important in my eyes, especially in a relationship. So being in a trust-less relationship is a struggle.

Adding to the struggle is my impression that my spouse doesn't seem to think the affair was that big of a deal. Comments like "you drove me into it, because my needs were being met", don't help, because it's not accepting responsibility. Besides they weren't needs, they were wants. And I had\have wants that aren't being met, but that's not going to make it okay for me to break our\my vows.

Even moving past that is the basic issue of, if at the time, they were "through" with our marriage, so entered an affair; than they should have left the marriage first. At least that would have been acceptable to me as it's at least principle based. But an affair is simply betrayal. So ignoring the affair, it raises up concerns in trusting their principles.

Prior to being married and being a Christian, on a few occasions, I was presented with the opportunity to get into a "relationship" with someone that was married or "with someone". Sure when I was around them it was grand, but all it took was not being in their presence and looking back, to see that it was wrong and I needed to step away; until they'd made a clean break from their current situations. There's usually dozens of "situations" prior to it all becoming an affair, that one has the opportunity to stop, to do the right thing. So I find it hard to see it as simply a "mistake". It would be like going to a bar every night and getting drunk, than driving home. Than waking up the next day, thinking about what you had done, and choosing to once again go to the bar again, get drunk and driving home. Than one night you crash into someone\something and say "it was just an accident". That's not an accident or a mistake it's a character issue. A one night stand can at least be a mistake, but a series of events\situations that lead up to an affair is much more. So when they say "they don't know how it ended up being an affair" means they don't know how they failed to stop it along the way. Fine, they don't have the insight or the willpower or desire to put a stop to it, so how is one suppose to trust them going forward? And to trust their judgment?

Ironically, trust can only be earned by the presence of the opportunity to lose it. But avoiding the opportunities might be what's best for the person (who isn't trusted).



mary0965 -> RE: How do I put adultery in the past?? (12/7/2007 7:46:52 AM)

I do check the phone logs online but since the affair ended and she left employment and lives in another town - I had him change his cell phone number so there would be no possible way for her to have it unless it was given to her by him. After the affair ended she talked to me and told me how sorry she was and how wrong it was of her plus that she loves her husband and would never do that again. I don't think they would still be talking but that's why I was checking his voicemails and phone because I just wanted to be sure and it drives me crazy to sneak around and do it - I start to shake thinking I may find something but after 6 months I have found nothing so that makes me think I should stop and check again if I start to see some changes in him. About telling him about my affair long ago, yes, it bothers me and yes I have thought about telling him especially when all of this happened but I just couldn't. He suspects something did long ago and has made comments now and then about me not telling him everything. I just feel he will think what he did was ok because I did it and will then pound it back at me later on - which we have made an agreement to never bring up or dig at one another about the affair. Plus I keep alot of feelings inside which he knows I do but I don't want to bring up anything because I don't want him to think of the affair or her. I have this wall built up that I am behind because I am afraid to come out and be hurt again. I am having a hard time enjoying life - I shouldn't I know but I feel if I start to enjoy him and our marriage that all that will happen is that I will get hurt again. Also, why do men not get it that women hurt and feel pain a lot longer then men. He always says I should be over it by now and not feel the way I do. He just wants to go on and not be reminded of it. Why can't men understand women's feelings



mary0965 -> RE: How do I put adultery in the past?? (12/7/2007 7:49:46 AM)

hurtinginlove, I know what you mean - I hate it too - I can't even watch a tv show, radio, or anything that has to do with cheating. Your right, everything does affect what you are going through. Even the same name that might pop up on tv, newspaper, or the radio just drives me insane and like Ifearnoevil said - it does get better I don't think about it every minute of every day. Just sometimes now in the morning when I away, my drive home, or when there is quiet time - i try to stay busy and keep my mind occupied as much as possible.



iwillfearnoevil -> RE: How do I put adultery in the past?? (12/7/2007 8:58:55 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: mary0965
Also, why do men not get it that women hurt and feel pain a lot longer then men. He always says I should be over it by now and not feel the way I do. He just wants to go on and not be reminded of it. Why can't men understand women's feelings


i don't think it's a gender difference ... i think it's the difference between being the wayward vs. betrayed spouse. why would he want to be reminded of the affair? do you want him longing after the other woman? thinking fondly of their encounters? of course not, you want him to be thinking of you and expressing his love toward you. however each time the affair comes up, it brings him from his present (with his wife) to the past (with the other woman). if he's asked forgiveness, you need to try to move on. when you're talking about pounding, that is not loving. i am sorry to say but you are living and thinking a double standard, that his affair was worse than yours just because you were a better at deception and didn't get caught. or that you weren't a Christian back then. i am sorry if this sounds harsh, but even if we could wave a magic wand and you never remember his affair again, i have a feeling one of you would just end up trying to find love with someone else yet again. i believe there are deep marriage issues here that won't be fixed by you feeling able to forgive. mary, please consider reading surviving an affair by dr harley, it may even be at your library. you guys have a lot of work to do together but it is possible to build an awesome marriage. you've taken a great step coming here to post, there's more work to be done but i think you really want to do it, or you'd be long gone. i'm praying for everyone here.



benelchi -> RE: How do I put adultery in the past?? (12/7/2007 10:35:29 AM)

quote:

I don't think they would still be talking but that's why I was checking his voicemails and phone because I just wanted to be sure and it drives me crazy to sneak around and do it


Checking his voice mail and phone logs is ok, but sneaking around isn't. Make sure the fact that you might check is out in the open, and make sure he has the privilege to check yours as well. Being open and honest with one another will help build trust, but any kind of deceit wont. Additionally realize that if this is not a two way street then eventually your spouse will view this as continually being punished rather than forgiven for what he has done, and that will cause resentment.

quote:

About telling him about my affair long ago, yes, it bothers me and yes I have thought about telling him especially when all of this happened but I just couldn't. He suspects something did long ago and has made comments now and then about me not telling him everything. I just feel he will think what he did was ok because I did it and will then pound it back at me later on - which we have made an agreement to never bring up or dig at one another about the affair.


Keeping this secret is only going to continue to hurt you and your marriage, and your involvement in an unconfessed affair is going to be an additional obstacle that stands in the way of you ever rebuilding trust again, both for you and your husband. Your affair does not justify your husbands choice in any way, but it likely has been a factor creating the distance in your relationship that made an affair easier to choose. Telling your husband about your affair will not be easy, as it is going to bring a whole lot of new and unpleasant feeling to the surface; this is not something you should just blurt out. Talk to a pastor or counselor first, and set up a meeting where you can reveal this with the support of others around you. Know ahead of time what you are going to say and absolutely everything for which you need to apologize, and maybe even write it down. Just think how you would feel if you "knew" your husband had this affair but never had enough evidence to prove it, and you knew deep down inside that he continually lied to you about it. If you want a better marriage, you need to be as open and honest with your husband as you are desiring him to be with you.

quote:


He always says I should be over it by now and not feel the way I do. He just wants to go on and not be reminded of it. Why can't men understand women's feelings.


Your husband does need to allow you time to heal, and statements like "just get over it" don't help, but at the same time you do need to take steps to act out forgiveness towards your husband even while you may be struggling to get over it; it does take time to heal, and your husband needs to allow for that time, but you do need to make sure you are really making an effort to forgive no matter how you might feel.



jesusis4me -> RE: How do I put adultery in the past?? (12/7/2007 11:13:07 AM)

quote:

Curiosity does eat at you. If you don't know what really happened, you assume the worst. Then when they tell you, you wonder if they are telling the whole truth or holding back details they think will really hurt. Either way, it is a losing situation for the one cheated on. If your spouse has been in an affair, then they have lied to you at some point. Once you are lied to about something so serious you question everything. Things are different post affair than pre affair. I used to like the song "Secrete Lovers" now I can't stand it. Turn that mess off!!! That's just one scenerio. If infidelity happens or is talked about on TV, I leave the room. Too many things in my everyday life reminds me of the pain and there I go again to that low low low point. I thought I had a rock solid woman too. At this point in my life, nothing surprises me.
I could have written this almost verbatim.

I am really struggling with his lack of pursuit of me. It's very hard. His efforts are muted and passionless -- sometimes mechanical-feeling. I hate that! I find myself just wanting to tell him, "I release you. You no longer need to feel obligated to our marriage. Don't stay because it's 'the right thing to do'. If you stay, stay only because you love me and can't stand the thought of living without me." I find myself within a hair's breath of saying that every couple of days or so. I am trying to be patient, trying to give him time -- but I know he can pursue with passion. He pursued 'her' with passion while he was married to me!!! [:@]

I am okay with being alone. Really. I much prefer that to being someone's obligation.

And yet, we go about our days, our nights like two friends (although he's really not even a 'friend' -- friends don't betray friends) with benefits, raising kids together.

Our courting was soo not like this. I wish I'd known. Oh, how I wish I'd known.

I try to turn off my emotions so that I don't care. I try, but I am lousy at it. So, I hang on to the love my late husband and I had. I take comfort in that. (God, how he loved me!) And I tell myself that it's just like it was after he died - gotta turn off those needs/desires and be grateful for the life I do have. I am grateful for my kids, for my health -- you know, all those things that really are important. But turning off those feelings is somehow easier when there isn't someone laying right next to you in bed who is virtually inaccessible unless he makes the advances.

You know, not that it matters, he should love and be devoted to me just because I am his wife, but it's not like I'm hard on the eyes! I just don't get it. Here I am, ready, willing, waiting to have a wonderful marriage, the one he and I dreamed of... and there he is... passionless, muted, mechanical in his (rare) overtures towards us.

I do hope and pray it gets better. Only God knows if it will.

Sorry I've rambled. I guess I just need someone to talk to.



iwillfearnoevil -> RE: How do I put adultery in the past?? (12/7/2007 11:27:44 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: jesusis4me
I am really struggling with his lack of pursuit of me. It's very hard. His efforts are muted and passionless -- sometimes mechanical-feeling. I hate that! I find myself just wanting to tell him, "I release you. You no longer need to feel obligated to our marriage. Don't stay because it's 'the right thing to do'. If you stay, stay only because you love me and can't stand the thought of living without me." I find myself within a hair's breath of saying that every couple of days or so. I am trying to be patient, trying to give him time -- but I know he can pursue with passion. He pursued 'her' with passion while he was married to me!!! [:@]


please understand that the mechanical feeling is not necessarily a bad thing. it depend on what he's doing. if he's meeting your most important emotional needs and trying something new, it's going to seem awkward and mechanical at first. you need to remember he's going through those motions because he wants to. he is choosing to be your husband and father of your kids because he loves you and the kids. feelings of passion can return at some point but they may not just appear all of a sudden. another possibility about the pursuing is that your husband may be going through withdrawl of the other woman and thus depressed. depressed people go through the motions. i until you change your mindset about releasing him, it will hold both of you back. i'm sure people are sick of me saying this, please check out the book if you are truly interested in saving your marriage. it will open your eyes and have you thinking many things differently.



jesusis4me -> RE: How do I put adultery in the past?? (12/7/2007 12:35:57 PM)

Okay, I just ordered the book you've recommended -- Surviving an Affair. I've also ordered Love and Respect.

iwillfearnoevil -- that's just it, he is FAR from meeting my emotional needs, mechanical or natural. We go about most of our days & nights like co-workers. NO PASSION whatsoever most of the time. This is why one of my coping techniques is to try to convince myself I don't need it. It's why I try to go about my life as if I don't have a husband at all -- so I don't expect/hope/desire only to have my hopes/needs/wants dashed yet again.

I can see your point that mechanical is necessarily bad as long as it eventually morphs into what it should be.

You have wise, level-headed advice. Thank you.



mary0965 -> RE: How do I put adultery in the past?? (12/7/2007 1:00:18 PM)

Okay - I did it!! It was an emotional day for me and my husband finally said tell me what's wrong - so I did - I told him that I am trying really hard to get over it and move on - I really do want to - but I still had trouble trusting him yet and that would take time. Long story short - he says to me that I need to be honest with him about my past so I said ya know what your right and I told him that early in our marriage I did also have an affair and it was wrong - it's in the past but if he really wanted to know more about it I would tell him. He said it is in the past even though he doesn't know who it was it didn't matter that he had forgiven me long ago. So I feel better getting that off my chest and it wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. He also told me that the other woman tried to call him about a month or so ago on his work phone (the caller id came up) and he did not answer but wanted to tell me to not keep anything from me. He said he is committed to me and wants nothing to do with her and wouldn't know why she would be calling but he would continue to not answer it if she calls again. I surely didn't like this but I am glad he told me. I just have to move on!! I am going to put forth a good faith effort to get rid of this emotional baggage and have a long and happy marriage - I am not going to waste another day feeling sorry for myself and makig myself and everyone around me miserable because he also told me that I was starting to push him away because I have been so up and down like a roller coaster and not opening up to him that it was driving him crazy also.



mary0965 -> RE: How do I put adultery in the past?? (12/7/2007 1:02:06 PM)

Just fyi - hedges is a good book for couples to read and so is red hot monogomy - both me and my husband read them together and I am reading Recovering from Extramarital affairs "Torn Asunder" by Dave Carder which is also Christian based - they all are above. If anyone wants them I would be happy to mail them to you....



hurtinginlove -> RE: How do I put adultery in the past?? (12/11/2007 11:35:26 AM)

I purchased "His Needs Her Needs" and "Surviving an Affair". I'm reading SAA and my wife is reading HNHN. SAA does a pretty good job at describing what happened in our marriage. However, I didn't give in to temptation when my needs were not being met, unfortunately my wife did. Now, our lives have changed forever. Yes, forever. I will never forget this pain. I will continue reading SAA because I can hardly put it down once I start reading it. SAA has revealed to me that there was probably more to my wife's affair than she has told me. I feel like she is holding back somethings I want to know. Yes, I do want to know..



iwillfearnoevil -> RE: How do I put adultery in the past?? (12/11/2007 1:00:40 PM)

hurtinginlove: in my case, my ex and i went through saa together ... doing the quizzes, etc ... and then later on in time went to hnhn. most affairs have a lot of things in common which makes the book really hit home and seem like you're reading about your marriage. saa will help her a lot too. hurtinginlove, your pain may never go away. the goal will be for you to grow so instead of it being a big boulder, it's more like a gnat. it is possible. i'm so sorry you are going through this, it truly does suck and doesn't seem fair. you are right, you had unmet needs and didn't give in to temptation. if both you and your wife are motivated, and put into play the principles of making deposits and AVOIDING WITHDRAWALS, feelings of love can replace a lot of those feelings of anger. once you ask those questions, be prepared for the worst. also realize they made lead to more and more questions so please tread softly. i can be more specific if you want to PM me and can let you know about my q&a process and how it impacted me. i'm not saying, don't ask...just be careful. if the goal is recovery, eventually you will need to take every thought captive and look ahead and try not to think about the past. it's a very hard thing to do.


[mary0965]I am going to put forth a good faith effort to get rid of this emotional baggage and have a long and happy marriage - I am not going to waste another day feeling sorry for myself and makig myself and everyone around me miserable because he also told me that I was starting to push him away because I have been so up and down like a roller coaster and not opening up to him that it was driving him crazy also.[/quote]
i have a feeling that took some courage. that is such an awesome attitude to have about not feeling sorry for yourself any longer. it's a comfortable place cause it's a known place and not everyone can pull it off or it might take time. but you seem headed in the right direction.

you guys are in my prayers. i am happy to see some progress in both situations. although it may not seem like progress from someone removed from your situation and reading your posts, it looks like it. remember recovery won't just happen overnight like flipping a switch but gradual and you can get there.



Marcus. -> RE: How do I put adultery in the past?? (12/11/2007 1:24:44 PM)

quote:

How Do I Put Adultery in the Past?


Remember your sins first. Confess them out loud to the Lord your G-d. Remember that you are but dust and to dust you shall return. Then remember the mercy and forgivingness that you seek from Him Who Created all that there is. Just as you seek mercy and grace so too does your spouse who sinned. Just as you want to be released from the guilt and shame of your sins, so too does the one who wronged you. Just as you have received forgiveness and grace that you didn't deserve, extend that to your spouse who has listened to and become ensnared by Satan. For as much as your spouse sinned so have you against G-d. If He forgives you your sins, so you must forgive those who have sinned against you. Then you will be children of G-d. Just as you wish you could undo you're sins as if they never occurred, so too does your spouse. Examine yourselves and do not make excuses for what you have done. Simply repent, change. Seek Him with all your heart, all your soul, and all your mind no matter the obstacles. Do you see the pain in your spouse's eyes when they have to speak their sins out loud? Do they see your pain? Restore them and restore yourself by forgiving them. Forgive them as often as they ask for forgiveness even if they ask without words. You know your spouse's language.

You have a right to be angry but do not sin in your anger. You do not have a right to keep the anger burning, let it die.

Read Hosea. Note how often and for how long G-d tells Hosea to take his wife back. Even after adultery. Read the promises He makes in Chapter 14.

To restore these relationships you will have to open yourself up to being hurt by them again.

You are in my prayers.



hurtinginlove -> RE: How do I put adultery in the past?? (12/11/2007 2:23:27 PM)

Marcus,
A lot of people have been tapping on my head. What you wrote made it in. Thanks

I have good moments when I say I'm gonna make this work no matter what. Then, for whatever reason, I began to question if it is gonna work. I give my wife credit, she is trying hard to get me through it. She told me last night she was ashamed of what she did. She feels a little uncomfortable coming to my office because she thinks everyone knows. The old saying is true, "the guilty will flee when not being persued."

The books we are reading are helpful. We each get a cup of coffee and relax for about an hour while reading in the den before bedtime. We used to never drink coffee but something about drinking coffee and reading these books together seems to go well.



propitiated4 -> RE: How do I put adultery in the past?? (12/11/2007 9:56:29 PM)

I recommend, Avoiding the greener grass syndrome, by Nancy C. Anderson for your wife.



dreamer2 -> RE: How do I put adultery in the past?? (12/12/2007 5:26:30 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: tfkeel

Well, this is NOT repentance. You are not going to ever be able to forgive her UNTIL she "gets it"..... that is to say, she "gets" that:

te]Regular


I could imagine how much you are going through. I am happy to learn that others in similar situation are able to forgive. I always struggled with my BF's premarital sex sin before we met, which I still dobut if he repented or not. He expected instant forgiveness while he did not read bible, go to church, and complained that I am not a good Christian as I don't forgive.

I told him that I did not see repentance from his behavior and values, except demanding unconditional forgivness from a hurt party. Till now, I never know if he and the woman still see each other, it remains a mystery, as they are in the same city, while I am million miles away from him, keeping a long D relationship that gets us nowhere. Sound silly?!

I noticed that anger eats me up, and lately I discovered what is eating me up is 'bitterness'. I would like to suggest you to study some materials about bitterness, there are lots online. It highlights that no matter the other party had truly repent or not, it is a SIN that we don't forgive. This is a new insight. I tried hard to practise this. This is not easy.

The difference is I got a chance to walk out at anytime, as I am not married to him and still doubt if he is Mr. Right. As far as kids are concerned, it is worthwhile to give all people involved a chance. Pray that she really repents, feeling sorry does not equal to repentance, repentance implies that one is dedicated to live a new life from inside out. It is her responsibilty to herself as a Christian, and not a superficial action to retain you or earn trust from you. If it is not inside out, it does not seem sustainable. And no matter if this happens or not, don't let bitterness conquer you. Knowing how bitterness works to defeat us, you may start to forgive at greater ease. Always remember that you deserve to be happy. God bless.



iwillfearnoevil -> RE: How do I put adultery in the past?? (12/12/2007 8:59:55 AM)

if you are a betrayed spouse and want to save your marriage, you're pretty much going to need to forgive before the wayward asks. sometimes it takes months or years before they may ask you for forgiveness. yeah it sucks, but if you want to save your marriage, you are going to have to model Christ's love to them as even though you may feel they don't deserve it. i'm sorry if this sounds harsh but you need to be prepared if you truly want to rebuild your marriage into something awesome.



TMeeks -> RE: How do I put adultery in the past?? (12/12/2007 9:31:27 AM)

As I read through these threads I am struck by what a wonderful God we have and what a wonderful thing it is to be a part of a family that cares for their brothers and sisters that they have never met in person.

I'm particularly struck by God's provision in iwillfearnoevil's faithful and positive encouragement for those in the depths of deep, deep pain. I marvel at the love of our Lord as demonstrated in His working through people that care so much.

It's kind of amazing to watch. On the one hand we see the evidence of the pain brought into our lives by the deciever and, on the other hand, we see the evidence of the love, peace, joy and encouragement brought into our lives by the Saviour that declared, "I am come that they might have life and that they might have it more abundantly."

What this thread demonstrates is that He brings such abundance of hope and victory when we finally let Him, that there is more than enough left over to share with others. What a wonderful thing to see and experience. [:)]



Page: <<   < prev  1 2 [3] 4 5   next >   >>



Forum Software © ASPPlayground.NET Advanced Edition 2.5 ANSI