RE: How do I put adultery in the past?? (Full Version)

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hurtinginlove -> RE: How do I put adultery in the past?? (12/12/2007 1:17:19 PM)

You are absolutely right on target TMeeks. iwillfearnoevil has been right there since the start of my posting. Thanks so much to all of you for your care!!



propitiated4 -> RE: How do I put adultery in the past?? (12/12/2007 3:41:47 PM)

I committed adultery before I was saved 7 years ago. I am living proof a marriage can survive adultery. Only by God's grace was I saved shortly after. It took about 3 years to win my husband's trust back(allot of my effort), but it was worth it. We were then enemies and now friends. Next Wednesday will be 15 years.



iwillfearnoevil -> RE: How do I put adultery in the past?? (12/12/2007 4:10:06 PM)

thank you for sharing propitiated! congratulations to both you and your husband for sticking it out. it's an awesome testimony!

and thank you to TMeeks and hurtinginlove. i feel blessed that my postings are providing comfort or encouragement to others. below is one of my favorite scriptures this past year so it means so much to see it in practice. i really don't know what else to say, i'm kinda speechless.

2 Corinthians 1:3-4
Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God.



Sadey -> RE: How do I put adultery in the past?? (12/12/2007 5:42:34 PM)

I just read through this thread and my heart hurts for all of you who have been crushed by all the pain of unfaithfulness. The one thing that stuck out at me the most is that you have to go through the grief process and no shortcuts will help. A few months won't do it. I think grief has tasks you have to complete before you are through. Although your spouse didn't die your marriage as you knew it and believed it to be has died, and you can't ever go back to the way things were. And this is where God's love and provision comes in. He can help you rebuild a new marriage with the spouse who hurt you. It will take time and so much hard work on both your parts but I can promise you with all my heart that if you let God lead and guide you through this you won't be sorry. And that doesn't always mean it works out but when you are older 20 years down the road and you can look back on your life and know that you did everything possible to save your marriage you will have peace. In the long run obeying God always brings us peace no matter what the circumstances around us. I guess I want to tell you there is no easy way to get through this but you can get through it and come out whole and even have great happiness. It just doesn't seem possible when you are in the middle of the pain. Well enough of my ramblings, I mainly wanted to let you know that I feel for you and that its okay that you're not full of love, forgivenss and kindness all the time. Its hard work to forgive and it takes time.



NotDoneYet -> RE: How do I put adultery in the past?? (12/13/2007 8:04:38 AM)

While it's rough...and hard, adultery can be forgiven and gotten past.
My dh had an affair about 6 years ago, with a friend (former friend) of mine. As soon as I found out, I kicked him out of the house...a week later, he called and begged me to come home. I told him that I would not consent to resuming the marriage until and unless we went to counseling. We did. The BEST advice we got from the pastor we counseled with was this: IF you choose to forgive him and resume the marriage, you can NEVER, EVER use it as an "excuse" for divorce later. I chose to forgive him right then and there. At that point, the affair was in the past. After another 3 months of counseling, we renewed our marriage vows, with emphasis on the "forsaking all others" part. Our marriage is better and stronger than it was before the affair. We celebrated our 9th anniversary at the end of October, and have survived 6 years + after the affair, and yes, our marriage is better and stronger than ever.
The point I'm trying to make is that once you choose to forgive (and it's a choice), you can get past it. I haven't forgotten and neither has he. BUT, we look at it as "look at what we almost threw away". And we're so glad we didn't.

NDY



hurtinginlove -> RE: How do I put adultery in the past?? (12/13/2007 12:47:34 PM)

I started to post this a couple of times but each time decided better of it. Well today, I'm hitting the submit button. This is what I did on November 5 and it sure made for feel good.

I was at work and school called, my son didn't have lunch. I said I'll be right there. A quick swing by McDonalds and I was there with a Happy Meal in minutes. Looked at my watch, it was 12:00 pm. My wife normally gets off at 12:00 pm. Since this affair thing came to surface, she works part-time instead of full time, 7am to 12pm. Thought I would swing by the hospital and pick her up for lunch at the back door. When I got there, I looked to see if her van was still there and OMG next to her van was HIS pickup!!! She was suppose to tell me if their shifts overlapped. I spoke with her earlier and she didn't mention he was there. I couldn't get into the hospital quick enough. I walked straight into their department and there he was. I zoned in on him and couldn't tell you who else was there. I threw him against the wall and asked him "Why were you messing with my wife, why were you messing with my wife?" He didn't answer, instead he threw a punch in my mouth. He shouldn't have done that. That gave me the green light to do what I wanted to do. I threw several punches and his butt was sliding across the floor on his back. I was going on top of him when three guys in the department jumped on me to keep me from killing him. I could see me slamming his head against the concrete floor until it busted. Thankfully, what I wanted to do didn't happen. He filed a police report but didn't press charges. The guys that jumped on me all did me a favor. However, they told me outside they wished they didn't have to do that because they don't care for the guy. They would like to see him get his arrogant butt kicked. They didn't want to see me get into more trouble than I was already in. All I needed was 30 more seconds and I would have hurt him real bad. From what I understand, I hurt his pride right there in front of everyone.

My wife failed to tell me he was there because she didn't think anything about it. He supposedly means nothing to her. He was a huge mistake and she is ashamed of having anything to do with him. She was working in another area of the hosptial at the time the altercation happened.

This shouldn't have happened but it made me feel good. I looked him in the eyes at arms length and could tell he was nothing more than white trash that needed other people to make him feel like he was someone. What in the world did my wife see in him? I'm not a violent person but you never know how you will react when you are hurt. From what I understand, he is constantly looking over his shoulder.



Grace0321 -> RE: How do I put adultery in the past?? (12/13/2007 1:26:47 PM)

This is my first post, I just registered today. And this thread really grabbed my attention. Let me start by saying to the original poster, "I'm very sorry you are going through this painful time in your life right now!!"

I had an emotional affair with a close friend of our family. It turned physical after 2 years. My husband and I were seperated at the time, but it was still wrong! I could go into all the reasons why it happened, and why I felt so incredibly justified in doing it, but I will not.

The affair has been over for more than a year now. And I quit my job back in March because we did work for the same company. It has been a long road for both my husband and I, but God continues to bless us with His Grace! We are both recovering alcoholics and there is alot that has been uncovered once the alcohol was removed.

The affair was not out in the open, or shall I say, my husband didn't know about the affair until this past July. I have dealt with alot of anger, resentment, etc. and therein hiding all of my responsibility!! It was just this past Saturday when my husband and I had a very painful conversation (again!) regarding the affair, that God actually allowed me to see my affair through my husband's eyes. I was humbled and I am grateful to be humbled!!

I gues the only suggestion I have for you during this time is this: Give it time! God's never been in a hurry, and though we want something fixed and resolved NOW, He's got His own idea's, His own plan. And I have lived through alot to see that!

Continue to pray for Him to guide you through your thoughts and emotions. Both you and your wife have alot of honest communication to wallow through. With God anything is possible!!

Thank you for letting me share!



TMeeks -> RE: How do I put adultery in the past?? (12/13/2007 10:19:21 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: hurtinginlove

This shouldn't have happened but it made me feel good. I looked him in the eyes at arms length and could tell he was nothing more than white trash that needed other people to make him feel like he was someone. What in the world did my wife see in him? I'm not a violent person but you never know how you will react when you are hurt. From what I understand, he is constantly looking over his shoulder.


Proverbs 6

27 Can a man scoop fire into his lap without his clothes being burned? 28 Can a man walk on hot coals without his feet being scorched? 29 So is he who sleeps with another man's wife; no one who touches her will go unpunished. 30 Men do not despise a thief if he steals to satisfy his hunger when he is starving. 31 Yet if he is caught, he must pay sevenfold, though it costs him all the wealth of his house. 32 But a man who commits adultery lacks judgment; whoever does so destroys himself. 33 Blows and disgrace are his lot, and his shame will never be wiped away; 34 for jealousy arouses a husband's fury, and he will show no mercy when he takes revenge. 35 He will not accept any compensation; he will refuse the bribe, however great it is.

Ok. That's done.

Now, go back to your number one responsibility... being who God wants you to be by obeying EVERY command that he has set forth for a husband. I don't read a SINGLE condition in those commands. None.

Think of it this way. Ultimately, there are only two people to please in our lives... Satan and Jesus Christ. Satan, by deceiving Eve, made us pawns in his battle with Jesus Christ. Determine that you will NOT let Satan win in your marriage. Now, who is the one that brings condemnation of others into our minds. It's ALWAYS Satan. Never Christ. Determine that you will NOT be Satan's pawn in your wife's life or your marriage.

So, try this. Every time a condeming thought comes into your mind say, "Even if that is true, Jesus Christ has already paid for that sin, so I will PRAISE MY GOD for HIS CLEANSING POWER that has made my wife whiter than snow." It might take a while; but, I'm pretty certain that Satan's realm doesn't like to be the instigator for praises to God and if you are consistent enough to do this every time the attacks come, I think you might see that they come less and less frequently. Satan's minions may be evil; but, they aren't stupid! [:)]



dreamer2 -> RE: How do I put adultery in the past?? (12/14/2007 11:09:55 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: hurtinginlove

This shouldn't have happened but it made me feel good. I looked him in the eyes at arms length and could tell he was nothing more than white trash that needed other people to make him feel like he was someone. What in the world did my wife see in him? I'm not a violent person but you never know how you will react when you are hurt. From what I understand, he is constantly looking over his shoulder.


I am totally on your side, if I am a man, I would had done the same. If a man seeing an adulterer and could remain calm, I don't know if he is a man. Sorry,...we are told to be patient and forgiving....As you noted, he is a weak man and a shameless coward. Even he looks like Brad Pitt, so what? He needs not play/susduce others' wives to prove himself anything? or use the married women for pleasure?

A good punch,...and lucky you that others stopped you. He does not worth you to be jailed for his death. He deserves to live long long life and let KARMA eats him up. I wish this fight helps to release much anger, but try not to do this again, as you might really need to be in jail for a 'rubbish' so to speak. This article in the link below explains that resentment towards him will not be gone even he died at your fists without mercy. Take a look, let God redeems and heals.

http://www.trinity95.org/articles/bitterness.htm

Pray for your wife to really understand that she should never see him in any occassion. Moving jobs is a far better approach if feasible.

I understand you, be STRONG. He did not downgrade you, he only downgraded himself badly. Be the winner, and you will be the winner.



hurtinginlove -> RE: How do I put adultery in the past?? (12/15/2007 10:39:04 PM)

I saw the guy my wife had the affair with yesterday. We went by the hospital to see a relative. He had to come by her room to push some sort of equipment to another room. I stood outside in the hall and gave him the stare that left no doubt about what I was thinking. He would not take his eyes off of me even after he walked on by. He knew I was thinking of breaking his neck. I know he didn't want to see me. I watched him and checked him out thoroughly and I'm thinking, my wife risked our marriage for that??? Wow, I must be look like a bulls butt. Well, I know I don't. He didn't walk back by the second time. He took the long way around.



iwillfearnoevil -> RE: How do I put adultery in the past?? (12/17/2007 11:37:34 AM)

hi hurting,
be very careful. as you read in saa, no contact is critical for recovery to begin. so i agree with derek that that should definately be one of your top prayers. it is basically one of the only things a wayward spouse can offer a betrayed spouse in terms of compensation for the aggregious act. the
parking next to each other is kinda suspicious in a huge hospital parking lot but coincidences happen. if she has a cell, i'd start checking the call log online to make sure she's not calling him at all. i hate to say this but since affairs are like addictions, sometimes the wayward spouses relapse into affairs again with the other person. i wouldn't be overly concerned but you are already focused on if she's working with him and you will be for as long as she's working there. still praying for you. i do believe though overall things seem to be looking up for your marriage :)



marywiley8888 -> RE: How do I put adultery in the past?? (12/18/2007 6:13:30 PM)

First of all I would like to start off with GLORY i said GLORY BE TO GOD ALMIGHTY HE IS THE ALPHA THE OMEGA THE BEGINING AND THE END THE AUTHOR AND THE FINSHER OF OUR LIVES SO ONCE AGAIN GLORY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!. I woke up this morning with my mind on the LORD. He led me to this forum to let one of his sweet angles know that he knows and sees all. Angel of God you are not going to get your answer from man only God can answer your questions trust in him petition God make request known and your heavenly father he will let you know what to do. I know because I was in the shoes as your wife I cheated on my husband for 14 years off and on my husband did not have a clue to what was going on he thought his marriage was alright, he thought everything was fine until one day God got tried of me My Heavenly Father was very upset with me because before I started this last adultery I was saved and It was at my job a coworker somebody who was way out of my league know one liked him coworkers use to tell me you are to good for him. All I seen and heard was what my husband was not doing. Like you my husband worked hard to and like your wife I choose to destroy my marriage. I knew this man was no good for me but the devil allowed me to see pass all that. He allowed me to see this man as something I needed, something that will get me through my days and nights believe me it get worst before it gets better this relationship was doomed from the begining because God aint go bless no mess from the first time I mean the first day I laid down with this man I was doomed I felt it and I know your wife felt it to but satan pull me back to the point that I thought I didn't care I said that because I knew I was doing wrong and believe me your wife knew it was wrong I'm not going to justify her actions I'm just trying to explain her feelings during the process a man can bring you up and a man can bring you down if you allow him and us as woman if not careful will let it happen the devil allowed this man to tell me all the things I wanted to hear things I was not hearing at home from my husband. He allowed him to do things that my husband was not doing at least I thought he was I thought I was on top of the world I felt good I had lost alot of weight just looking good all of the other women enved me because he was the catch at least I thought [sm=yummy.gif] he had my nose wide open until my husband found out it wasn't fun anymore he was furious, furious enough to kill yes kill, my husband had so much going on in his head he wanted to talk about it everyday and i didn't i thought why add to the his hurt but he just would not let up he started recording my calls, following me to work until he left home then he came back then he left again did he cheat yes he did, did it add to the problem yes it did the problem got worse. Everything started happenig I went back to what the devil sent me and my husband live else where we officially called it quits and we vowed not to be together again. But as the days went by we still loved one another me and the other guy was not working out because I started checking his phone caller ID I didn't trust him and he knew it he even told me one day "you getting just like your husband" but that was because my husband had cheated on me which my husband knew was wrong he was cheating on me with women that was cheating on their husbands he was listenig to what they were saying about their husbands and he thought to himself that sounds just like me. So we got back together this last time and i left that job because i didn't want anymore trouble we went to California for a year without the kids and got to know each other all over again we just got back to chicago this pass june 07 and now we are happy and in love and some people can't stand it but who cares we are the proud grandparents of a baby girl born today 12/18/07 glory be to most high. And another child of mine is having twins in march 08 praise be to God! So I guess what I am trying to say is Let it go give your wife time served let her agony be over and forgive her and the both of you let go of the pass because none of us is perfect even you just let it go and let God.



marywiley8888 -> RE: How do I put adultery in the past?? (12/19/2007 2:42:47 PM)

The information you gave him Iwillfearnoevil is alright but what is that going to do for him other than make him even crazier. What he needs to focus on is the Lord because we have a jealous God and he will make the situation worse my husband was doing the something checking my cell phone bills and recording my conversations he heard one of my conversation that I had with the guy I was cheating with and went crazy it scared me! And this was before I found out the he was recording my conversations I mean he was slick with it, it was on a friday and me and my husband had decided to just chill and have a good time so we got some drinks and food we were smoking marijuna during the time so my husband pretended like he was going to get some. I was in the house alone so I decided to call this guy we were talking on the phone setting up a date to see each other again I'm telling him that I would rather be with him than with my husband well when my husband came back he pretend like he had to use the bathroom I'm sit in the livingroom looking inosent and all the time he was down in the basement checking his recorder and to my surpise he heard everything I had said. He came back in the livingroom by that time my cousins had stop by and we were sitting and talking and my husband pulled my cousin up and asked her in her ear to take him to his mother's house I didn't know what was going on because I was intoxicated and high I was actully laughing and my husband was crying anyway my cousin said I got to go and I said what going on she said talk to your husband then she left. My husband went upstairs when he came down he had his coat on I'm standing there in a drunkin stupper saying where are you going he yelled "you wrong " and I said what are you talking about he said again "you wrong" and i said what and he said "you called him" what? I said, and he said "I heard you" and I said I didn't call nobody I don't no what you are talking about my husband started walking toward the basement and I went following behind him, he went under the crawl space I thought he was getting a gun to blow my head off because my life flashed across my eyes. I started thinking about cold case files, and unsolved mysterys but what he brought out was a recorder my mouth almost dropped to the floor I had lied and got caught wow and that was the second time he left.



iwillfearnoevil -> RE: How do I put adultery in the past?? (12/19/2007 3:47:31 PM)

so it was wrong for your husband to secretly record you and then leave? that wasn't a bit of a wakeup call to you? betrayed spouses have every right to know about affairs. STDs are very rampant in society now and so many wayward spouses are exposed to them thanks to careless actions by wayward spouses. affairs are like addictions. if someone is an alcoholic, you certainly would want to keep close eyes on them if they were working in a bar. people are willing to turn their backs on everything they have believed and act contrary to their lifelong behaviors due to affairs. an affair is not a passing fling and requires attention.

affairs thrive under secrecy. if you look at statistics most affairs die 6 months after being exposed and something like 99% within 2 years. the key here is exposed. once the fantasy world crashes down and it's day to day living for the people involved, something starts to be lacking. betrayed spouses typically need to expose affairs to the other person's spouse and family to get pressure on the other person to end it. a betrayed spouse only praying to God while their wayward spouse is having an affair is not doing everything they can to save their marriage. if one discovered their house was on fire, they'd certainly say a quick prayer and then take immediate action. affairs are direct threats to marriages and need to be dealt with. you may also be surprised to know that many wayward spouses do not feel agony and even feel justified. certainly you did not feel agony for a long time as you were a serial (repeat) cheater.

i praise God that your marriage is restored. both you and your husband have exhibited great amounts of forgiveness, congratulations.



marywiley8888 -> RE: How do I put adultery in the past?? (12/19/2007 5:35:53 PM)

Maybe some people don't look at it the same but some do paying me back didn't work it just made the situation worse on his part but as soon as we went to God it all started to work it self out my marriage was restored beyond measures we lost alot but gain more of each other I know there are still some trust issues there but they are even passing away God is really working it out for both me and my husband. I will never do it again and I'm proud to be a testimony to someone on the subject we have a powerful God and I truly believe that in my heart. And what God put together let no man well you know the rest[sm=smile-l.gif] if he take his marriage to God and leave it on the alter believe me God will work it out please believe. But he have to have FAITH , PATIENTS and FORGIVINESS in his heart he have to turn the whole thing over and believe me if God see where there is no patching this marriage up then this marriage won't be. God knows all and sees all.



marywiley8888 -> RE: How do I put adultery in the past?? (12/19/2007 6:10:17 PM)

You know I had to go back over what you said and I did have agony but when you are caught up it feels like there is no turning back once its done its done. I mean men do it to when you've gotten away with it you feel you can do it again and again and that was the way I felt God was telling me everyday that I was wrong and I still would not listen I kept going back and slowed down when I got caught the fantsy was over I didn't blame him for telling anyone he needed someone to talk to but in the back of my mind I saying why? tell anyone at all because now the people he told are mad at him all the people that got involed with the situation is mad at him. This is what they say he stupid, why did he get back with her, she just using him I mean why? I didn't say nothing my mouth was closed even to God, God was talking to me but I gave no response to him. When my husband payed me back by having an affair it all turned around on him, it all turned around on him. Revenge is mine said the Lord believe me before he had his affair he had the ball in his court but as soon as he did it he was looking as bad as I was even worser. He lost his job, digity, respect, and his front tooth his front tooth actully came out while he was brushing his teeth one day I'm not lying so therefore he lost hisself confident. So what I'm trying to say is hurtinginlove should just leave it alone and let God work it out I'm not trying to justify anything here all I'm saying is that if he is a child of God and reads his bible then he knows the out came of a situation like this while his running around trying to figure it out God Almighty has already worked it.



FrenchLady -> RE: How do I put adultery in the past?? (12/20/2007 5:21:45 AM)

Dear hurting in love i am going trough just finding out about my husband`s affair who did it while i was pregnant with our 4th child. I feel just like you and have confronted the woman and i have now assault charge against me and a court date if that wasn`t enough.Now i feel very much like leaving as my husband also is dealing with depression for the past 4 years and he is constantly doing verbal abuse. The worse is they did it in my bed while i took the children to see my far away family.That was the last time he claimed they did it.I also went to see her husband because she claims she lost his baby while i was having mine.It hurts too much.I deserve happiness!My children deserve a real father.I feel like you said a few postings ago.I want to replace him with a real men who will offer me faithfullness and protection.I read all the answers back for you and most of the affairs are still going on.I am so suffering and feel too that maybe someone out there would love me better.I pray for deliverance for both of us. God bless.



hurtinginlove -> RE: How do I put adultery in the past?? (12/23/2007 6:42:47 PM)

I'm still here. I keep checking in almost everyday. My wife and I are moving through this as best we can. I am actually doing better than I ever thought I would. However, I still have moments where the thoughts of what happened makes me sick to my stomach.

We are now seeing another counselor. We went as far as our preacher felt comfortable going. He recognized his potential and made a referrel to a counselor he is very confident in. The new counselor is doing a really good job on us and I look foward to each meeting with him.

Thanks for all your posts. MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!!



Prayerwarrior1 -> RE: How do I put adultery in the past?? (12/23/2007 10:13:44 PM)

Father we pray for your spirit of reconcilation. Father, just as you have reconciled us through your son Jesus Christ. I pray you reconcile this couple back together. Father we pray that you surpassing love encamps around them. God reconcile them back to You. Holy Spirit have your way in their lives, I pray.



Ltngbug2567 -> RE: How do I put adultery in the past?? (12/28/2007 2:50:21 PM)

Before I turned to God I turned to another man. Unfortunately, I walked out of my marriage and I never looked back. I have lost everything because of this action and decision. Now I am a Christian woman married to a wonderful Christian man. I know it is hard to continue living with this but I am asking you to look to God for healing. There are times that I wish I had done just this. If I had I would not have turned to others.



mary0965 -> RE: How do I put adultery in the past?? (1/3/2008 7:41:58 AM)

I totally agree with TMeeks - this site has been great and has helped me through and to realize that I can go on after all of this - yes, it will be hard and it doesn't mean that from time to time I don't think about what my spouse did but I am moving forward. The adultery will always be there but it doesn't mean that I have to think about it or dwell about it every day. God has shown me that and that he is my comfort now in time of need. I have been gone on vacation for a while - we just stayed at home for 10 days and just "cuddled" every day and had a lot of "alone" time - it was great and we didn't talk about anything but each other and where we are now and he is happy where we are in our marriage and feels so much love for me and I also for him - we are on the right path so all of you out there that think there is no hope - there is!! Just lean on God for everything - everytime there is a negative thought, emotion, etc. Give it to God right away - don't let it control you. I pray for everyone here that their marriages will be strenghtened every day



mary0965 -> RE: How do I put adultery in the past?? (1/7/2008 8:01:16 AM)

Well, what a weekend for me. For some reason Saturday around noon time - I checked my husbands voicemail at work ( I know I shouldn't have behind his back) but read on. His voicemail records numbers that call even if they don't leave a message. -Well, the person he had an affair with # came up but no message. He told me this same number came up about 2 months ago about 4 times in the day and he did not answer it. The message was left at 7:30 p.m. at night which my husband works only til 3:30. We thought the time about 2 months ago was her husband seeing if my husband would pick up a call from her cell phone and dismissed it. Well, I was stewing for about 10 minutes and I couldn't take it anymore - I was going crazy - I thought I had the strength to get through but I was wrong - so I called my husband in the room and told him what I did - I said I know I was wrong to check it and he said yes, if you wanted to check it we could have done it together. I proceeded to tell him what I found and he assured me he didnt know why she was calling or what the deal was. Well, me being me, wanted to call the # back and put an end to it and ask why and I wanted to do it with my husband together (Yes, I was having feelings of not trusting my husband also) I think it was a natural feeling - it has only been 7 months since the 3 month affair has been over - He has been very trusting and has proven himself to me but when this happened it was like it was hapening all over again. Well, he didn't want me to call the # - he wanted me to leave it alone and he continued to tell me how much he loved me and didn't want anything to do with them. Well, I was not satified because I wanted an answer from them as to why she/or her husband was calling? So we had our discussion - he didn't want me to call - I submitted to him but I was not very happy - he seen this and after a few hours or more discussions - he told me to call - if it would make me happy and get out of my "depression" then go ahead because he didn't want any more stress and he wanted to go on with our lives. Well, I called and at first I asked for her husband - she said not there - then I said her name and she hung up on me - I called back a few times until she finally answered - her and her husband were talking because he had known what she had done - she stated she has been so messed up since this had happened and didn't know why she couldn't move on but didn't want to talk to my husband but couldn't explain why she needed to call and hang up. She continued to say she and her husband are having a rough time and I told her to leave our lives alone that was between her and her husband - I told her to get right with God and move on as we are trying to do. I told her that our lives couldn't be better. I told her not to call again or we would start harassment charges and were recording what was taking place at the present time. She said she would not call any more and I had told her I heard her promise before and it never happened - but she thought her husband may leave her now because she deceived him. So the call ended - my husband asked if I was happy now and I said yes, and I was sorry and asked that he forgive me for not believing in him. It hurt him that I couldn't trust him completely. He said I repented, I went to the alter, I made promises to you, and I told you I would swear on the bible if you needed me to that I was doing nothing and did not want anything to do with her ever again. It was a mistake I made and I just want to move on with our lives together. I felt like a heal!! I was so disappointed in myself that I couldn't trust God nor trust my husband. How terrible of me because as this was going on - I said a little prayer and asked God for strength and direction but because I submitted to this world and not the things I should have, I didnt' give my husband or God time - I just wanted my own satisfaction. My husband also promised me that if she calls and he is at work (which she better not) he has a way to record and he will record the conversation and make sure he puts it to her clear enough to leave us alone and will let me listen to it. Before we went to bed I asked that we pray together and I said a prayer asking for forgiveness, not trusting in God, my husband, etc. Any advice as to what transpired or what I should have done or what I need to do if this happens again?



iwillfearnoevil -> RE: How do I put adultery in the past?? (1/7/2008 9:15:42 AM)

affairs are like addictions and it's not easy to quit them cold turkey. hence the other woman calling as she is lonely, etc. each time contact is made, it damages recovery. unfortunately many wayward spouses state an affair is over and eventually get caught with the other person again and again. i am not saying this is the case with your husband but it is a pretty common situation. you were not wrong for checking his voicemail. there needs to be complete transparency in the marriage. the trust will not necessarily come overnight. i highly recommend you read the book, Surviving an Affair by Dr. Harley. this book is written with both the wayward spouse AND betrayed spouse in mind and you will both learn a lot. you can have an awesome marriage even better than before.

it is very helpful for you that the other woman is married and her husband knows. that will help keep her accountable. i suggest that you notify the husband every time. THIS IS NOT A MATTER OF YOU TRUSTING GOD. God gives us free will to make our own choices. you can pray for hours every day and fast but if a spouse is determined to have an affair, they probably will. i know this because this was my life. my relationship with God did not prevent my wife from having multiple affairs. this is not a matter of your trusting God but a matter of your husband being open & honest to you.

btw in regards to the voicemail system, i don't know if it was a different menu option or if it comes naturally but personally i don't have time or desire to view a call log and see who called me but didn't leave a message. i only care about those people who left a message.



mary0965 -> RE: How do I put adultery in the past?? (1/7/2008 10:04:43 AM)

I know everything you are saying but I really am beginning to trust my husband - he is very sincere - it's the other woman I don't trust at this point. I do, however, after talking to her feel that she will not call again - at least for awhile - I trust that my husband will do the right thing - I have to for us to move on- but that doesn't mean I will stop checking or not be on guard. I really feel he has repented and I think that means a lot - I will keep the other husband informed of any other happenings and my husband knows that. I just want everything to be over and for them to leave us alone and to move forward - it only puts hurt and opens the wound when these things happen



iwillfearnoevil -> RE: How do I put adultery in the past?? (1/7/2008 11:52:31 AM)

sounds good mary :) i'm glad you are trusting again. it takes time and you may suffer some setbacks but it can happen again. please beware that you _may_ hit a wall around 6-9 months (very anecdotal) so just keep that in mind and mention it to your husband. it may help him be more understanding if it happens. by hitting a wall, i mean that thoughts might come up in your mind that you thought you dealt with or new thoughts. but you can be strong and fight them. you have God and your husband and can overcome these thoughts. and what you say about wanting to be left alone to move forward and that it keeps opening the wound illustrate 100% why NO CONTACT IS MANDATORY.



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