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RE: How do I put adultery in the past?? - 1/7/2008 12:57:36 PM
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mary0965
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We have changed the cell phone number - this call came to his work # and that can't be changed - even if it did, she could scroll through the directory (isn't voicemail grand!!) to find the new number and still call him - I let him know at lunch - we have lunch on Monday and Fridays together and I told him I was feeling scared - he said I had no reason to be that I had him and we were going to be together always and to just trust him. That's all I have to go on for now so I am going to move forward and keep the fight!
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RE: How do I put adultery in the past?? - 1/7/2008 1:40:21 PM
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iwillfearnoevil
Posts: 1331
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From: upstate NY
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goot attitude mary - keep up the positive attitude about moving forward and keeping the fight. i pray some day you guys will have an awesome testimony. also doing lunch together is a great way to spend time together :)
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RE: How do I put adultery in the past?? - 1/7/2008 3:33:26 PM
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mary0965
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Thanks - it's great to get words of encouragement when you have a little dip in the road - which I think this was all this was. But I had decided a few months back that this wasn't going to control my life and I needed (we needed) to move on and make the rest of our marriage the best it can be. Yes, we decided when this all started and we seen what emotional needs were not being met and we both made some changes. This is why we do lunch 2 x a week, he goes home for lunch the other two and the other day is spent with his spiritual friend/mentor. I think we really are on the right track and we have had an awesome 7 months after the affair that we feel like we are falling in love all over again and really being attentive to one anothers needs and not taking each other for granted, we communicate more and yes, I feel we will have a great testimony for others and this is why I share on this post also.
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RE: How do I put adultery in the past?? - 1/11/2008 8:04:24 AM
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mary0965
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iwillfearnoevil - I was just wondering about you - if you don't want to answer the following that's ok but how long has it been for you since the affairs - you said they were multiple - with the same person - how is your relationship now, etc. How do you get through the rough spots - you just seem to have a lot of insight and I just wondered how long it does take to get really "on with your life" or does it even happen. Just like this above happened - I have been very angry ever since - angry at my husband because he let it happen in the first place - angry at her because she called - and just angry period - my husband is noticing and I told him I felt angry, scared, and not secure now as I thought. He said I should feel even more secure and be more happy knowing that he is not doing anything and doesn't want her and has made promises to me that he is going to keep. So, just wondering - you don't have to share - thanks!
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RE: How do I put adultery in the past?? - 1/11/2008 9:50:42 AM
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laura...
Posts: 2871
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From: NE Ohio
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quote:
my husband is noticing and I told him I felt angry, scared, and not secure now as I thought. He said I should feel even more secure and be more happy knowing that he is not doing anything and doesn't want her and has made promises to me that he is going to keep.
Your husband needs to stop telling you what you should and should not feel. You have every reason to feel angry, scared and insecure. It will take time, lots of time, for your husband to prove that his promises mean anything. He made promises when he married you that he did not keep. Why should you trust his promises now?
I'm not writing this to encourage you not to trust your husband. I am only saying this to illustrate why you still battle with your emotions. It's not going to go away overnight and your husband telling you what you should or should not feel isn't going to help. He just doesn't like not being trusted. Well, trust will come again over time and consistent proof of trustworthiness.
_____________________________
This is what the Lord says: “Stop at the crossroads and look around. Ask for the old, godly way, and walk in it. Travel its path, and you will find rest for your souls. But you reply, ‘No, that’s not the road we want!’ Jer 6:16
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RE: How do I put adultery in the past?? - 1/11/2008 11:29:33 AM
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laura...
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Hurtinginlove, Have you and your wife gotten marriage counseling yet? You desparately need it. If you have gotten counseling, get more. You need a safe place where you can express your hurt and pain.
_____________________________
This is what the Lord says: “Stop at the crossroads and look around. Ask for the old, godly way, and walk in it. Travel its path, and you will find rest for your souls. But you reply, ‘No, that’s not the road we want!’ Jer 6:16
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RE: How do I put adultery in the past?? - 1/11/2008 12:56:28 PM
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buckifn
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hurting
I read most of your posts and tho it is late in the story I would like to say it is very easy to identify with your perspective about the hating to be lied to. I am the same. It is my biggest peeve for sure. I don't think it is unfair or unreasonable to ask your wife to find a different place to work given the circumstances.
What exact reasons has she been giving you for remaining there working with this guy? As her husband I think you do have a right to offer opinions on who her friends are and where and who she spends her time with.
A married couple should make decisions and boundaries together on who to allow in their lives. If someone is not honoring my marriage I don't think I would consider them a friend.
But in fairness to the friends, do you know for sure they never told her the affair was wrong and she should talk to you and stop what she was doing?
Of course you are struggling with many feelings. Don't be hard on yourself for that! No person who has been lied to and cheated on by someone they love would expect you not to struggle with many feelings. I am praying for you.
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RE: How do I put adultery in the past?? - 1/14/2008 8:10:25 AM
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mary0965
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hurtinginlove - I agree with buckifn - you need to get her out of the work place where she is at with this other person NOW - you can't start healing or working on your marriage until this is done. For your health also because you will always be wondering what is going on while she is at work - any one or any book will tell you that she has to quit and quit now - no waiting to find another job - it may be tough for awhile - because I don't know your finances but it is tough already - what's a little more - God will provide and help you through but it is very crucial to make this step plus re-evaluating her other friends - obviously they are influencing her and sounds like not in a good way - you should be her "best friend" and she should be leaning on you! When me and my husband were going through this - he and I spent almost every waking hour together except when we worked - we have lunch together 2x a week - always - we never miss - and we are constantly cuddling and telling each other how much we love each other and we are constantly working on our marriage - because it's what we BOTH want! You obviously don't have the other person "totally committed" to working on your marriage - but get her out of there!
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RE: How do I put adultery in the past?? - 1/14/2008 4:25:55 PM
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Brooke313
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quote:
(Here comes my "forgiveness" speech. I cannot number the times I have posted this.) Forgiveness is a choice to release a debt. Forgiveness means you no longer require your wife to somehow pay for or pay you back for what she has done--she doesn't owe you anything anymore. Forgiveness does not mean you stop hurting. Forgiveness does not mean you stop grieving. Forgiveness does not mean everything is now okay. But, forgiveness is vital for healing. You will not heal, your marriage will not heal and your wife will not heal without forgiveness.
The steps I would give to you are:
1. pray and grieve
2. pray and forgive
3. pray and work on reconcilliation
4. repeat steps 1-3 as necessary
Forgiveness is a choice. YOu have to choose to forgive. The person who committed the offense may not repent, but not forgiving a person does not hurt him or her it only hurts you. You cannot do anything about the other person, you can only do what you can do. To forgive means to not ever mention the offense again. It does not mean you will forget, you may never forget. It does not mean that you will not hurt. It does mean that you are free to move on and do what you need to do to get your life back on track. If the offender chooses to come along on that path great! If not, then you have to go alone. (This does not mean that you need to get divorced). Sometimes, separation is important for a season. It may help the offender to see what they could lose, should they choose to behave this way again.
About five years ago, my husband had an affair. I have learned a lot from this experience. Although I could think of a better way to learn a lesson! We chose to stay married, and my husband did repent. We have had counseling, and we were separated for about two years. It has been a long hard road, but every day, I see reasons that I am glad that I chose to stay. We have a good marriage now, and the even though I sometimes have to forgive him again, it is something that I know that I am capable of doing.
I truly am sorry you are having to go through this, but remember, God will give you beauty for ashes if you are obedient to Him and seek Him in everything that you do.
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RE: How do I put adultery in the past?? - 1/14/2008 10:42:01 PM
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theGideon
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Sorry to hear of your pains, i have been through similiar situations, and what has got me through the hardest parts is giving it up to HIM. I have found that putting my trust in my anybody leads to disappointment, but you need to learn to surrender your feelings to the Lord, get in the Word, i truly believe that will be the place to find the peace that you look for. If she is truly sorry and has repented she will be living a different life, she will exam her life and make the necessary changes to show you that she is serious about your marriage. while trust was once givin away freely, she now needs to earn it, she needs to earn you. But at the same time you also need to learn how to forgive. In love pride has no place, so both of you need to learn to seperate your pride and learn to love and listen to each other again. while forgiveness is difficult it is also of importance for your relationship to continue grow. The way i see it is, who are we not to forgive those who have hurt us, when Jesus forgives us everyday even after he died for our forgiveness. I understand this is all so fresh for you and your wife, but a family that prays together stays together and i truly believe that you and your wife now need to bond spiritually. God bless you and your marriage.
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RE: How do I put adultery in the past?? - 1/15/2008 12:31:52 PM
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valnoren
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Hey I saw this thread and read most of it.
I want to let you know I was in the exact same position exactly just over one year ago. I found out things about my wife that are so horrible, she had a whole other side to her. I also found out over the past year she is bi-polar.
Look God is with you. The hurt well ... it will be there it still is for me. I read books, go to counseling, all the advice in the world will not take your pain away only Christ can do that. You can try to figure it out as to how things happened but it may not ever come out. In my case the more details I found the worse it got. And in my case she did these things just because, probably because of her condition that does not help.There will be good days and really really bad.
The enemy will fill your head with dark things, for me I realized how much of a spiritual war it is for my mind and heart and how that can wear you down into nothing. But you have Christ and He can give you strength when you do not think you have any more.
Just today I woke up crying from dreams that will not go away, and crying as I left the house for work crying cause... well it just hurts like no other hurt and its been over a year now. But Christ reminds me He loves me and He will get me through it His Word is Faithful, He is not a liar, and His love never fails me.
Guard your mind with His word. I will be praying for you.
-Val
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RE: How do I put adultery in the past?? - 1/16/2008 10:15:09 AM
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jennleigh
Posts: 77
Joined: 12/6/2007
From: Fuquay-Varina, NC
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Val,
I can really relate to your post, not because it happened to me, but because I was a bipolar wife who did horrible things to my husband and my family. My husband and I have been married for 15 years, and I can tell you that the first 14 of them were awful for him. Seeing the hurt in his face the day he found out I had a whole other life he knew nothing about still haunts me to this day. Seeing your post and knowing that my husband must have experienced the same emotions and hurt that you are going through really reminds me of the power of God's forgiveness and His love and mercy.
I just wanted to post to tell you that God can and still does work miracles. God was merciful to me and I was healed of my disease over a year ago; and while it has really been tough to work through everything that happened during my years of sickness, God is a loving God and He has been there every step of the way. He has been there to help my husband forgive and He has helped our children heal emotionally. Please know that this disease is so horrible - it causes very good people to do some very bad things, and the guilt that the sick person carries for the damage they've caused (and without help will continue to cause) in their lives and in the lives of those they love is immense. Please know that God is there for you, and that there is nothing impossible with Him.
I am praying for you and for your wife. Unless someone has been there, it is very difficult to understand the pain that the two of you have gone through. Know that there are people out there who have faced this same issue and that God has provided mercy, forgiveness, and healing, and that He can do the same for you.
God be with you as you continue to heal and I commend you for allowing God to work forgiveness in your heart. It takes a strong man to be a companion to a woman with this illness, and it takes a strong man to forgive, especially when the behaviors tend to repeat themselves. God bless you.
Jennifer
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RE: How do I put adultery in the past?? - 1/17/2008 1:50:56 PM
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womaninashoe
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Joined: 1/16/2008
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Hi y'all...I have just read through the whole blog (whew!), it's really awful that there is so much pain out there regarding this topic. Two years ago, my husband had an affair with one of his nurses, a chick half his age. I found out about it by accident....a subcontractor doing work on our house had logged into a dating site on our computer and I thought it was my husband. I confronted him about that, and he thought I knew about his real affair!! Told me the whole story. To say that I was devastated doesn't even begin to describe the nightmare that ensued...I lost 40 lbs, couldn't sleep, and don't remember a whole lot of a couple of months after finding out. We have 8 kids, so there was so much at stake here. I am a believer; he is not.
Anyway, I have learned a bunch that I would like to share with those who are hurting so badly. First, I am convinced that the only way to weather such a storm would be to have a personal relationship with Jesus. So, it you aren't saved, use this experience to cry out to God. This site is loaded with info on how to know you have the Holy Spirit living inside you as your Guide. This also applies if you have accepted Christ but haven't been talking to Him lately. There's nothing like this kind of emotional pain that drives you to your knees. And God is faithful, He will scoop you up and comfort you.
Second, I totally agree with Laura: give yourself lots of time to grieve. A friend of mine told me that it took him 2 full years to not think about his wife's adultery at least once a day. I have found this to be my experience as well. I thought in the beginning that I needed to immediately "get over" this based on my definition of forgiveness. I even embraced the other woman and told her I forgave her. What a fallacy that was, as evidenced by my subsequent thoughts and actions. The more you bury your grief,the worse it festers inside you. Back in the thread somewhere, I read someone comparing this whole thing to a death...which it is....the death of dreams, trust,security, and stability. It will take a lot of time to process all this. Accepting this will actually expedite the process.
Third, look after your health. I know there have been some disagreement about how much detail one should request or receive, but having illicit sex comes with it's share of dangerous physical consequences. It's imperative to find out what kind, if any, protection was used. My husband didn't use any, which really was the biggest thing I had to forgive: his willingness to my health on the line!! Not to mention how terrible it would be to have to deal with any subsequent pregnancies. Take steps to ensure you have been compromised as little as possible. You must define for yourself what that means: asking your spouse to be tested for STD's, etc.
Fourth, cling to God as if there were no tomorrow. Pray without ceasing. Meditate on Christ's complete forgiveness of your sins. Unfortunately :/ Scripture requires us to forgive as we have been forgiven. I had to repeat this to myself over and over: Matthew 6:14 "For if you forgive men their transgressions, your Heavenly Father will also forgive you, (v.15) But if you do not forgive men, then your Father will not forgive your transgressions." Spend all the time you can in God's Word. Ask God for wisdom, and Scripture promises He will give whoever asks. Start a journal, if you don't already have one. It's so cool to read back and see how God has carried you along through your journey. It builds faith that you will use in other circumstances of your life as well.
Finally, Scripture requires us to "take every thought captive"....I have been aware of this command for years, but this experience has put shoes on it. Satan loves to attack your mind....there is no doubt that thoughts will pop up "out of nowhere" (yeah, right, not out of nowhere, out of Satan and his demons)...thoughts such as trying to conjure up mental images of your spouse having sex with the "other", thoughts of self doubt (was he or she better than me?)...the list is endless of ways Satan will attempt to torment your head and heart. It has taken me all of 2 years, plus I am still a work in progress, but I am learning to cut off any nasty self talk or images in my head by drowning them in the blood of Christ.
Oh yes, one more thing....I am often tempted to go "snooping"...through email, cell phones, etc, looking for incriminating evidence that my spouse is going to hurt me again. But God assures me that He will reveal to me that which I must know, and that I can rest in Him. That's a hard one, but Scripture says that God will not give His children a rock when they ask for bread, so He is trustworthy to provide exactly what I need.
There. I don't think I have ever said so much in one place, but there it is and I pray it will bless the life or lives of those who need it.
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RE: How do I put adultery in the past?? - 1/17/2008 2:07:35 PM
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benelchi
Posts: 1466
Joined: 9/14/2007
From: California
Status: online
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quote:
There. I don't think I have ever said so much in one place, but there it is and I pray it will bless the life or lives of those who need it.
I am glad you did, you have added a lot to this discussion.
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RE: How do I put adultery in the past?? - 1/22/2008 10:20:55 AM
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valnoren
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jenn,
Thanks for your post that was very encouraging to hear how you have been healed. And Yes, people can not understand unless faced with bi-polar disorder. I try to tell friend's close to me and they can't wrap their heads around it.
Someone mentioned forgiveness, that really is the key to healing. You will hurt, and it is a pain worse than a death that is very true. BUT, I know Christ's love for me, that is what I must also pass on to my wife. I hurt my Lord when I sin and he forgives me every day , To be true and walk in Him, I must do the same for my wife EVERYDAY. It is not easy but only through Christ can I do it.
It is important to remember, do not let the enemy rob your peace and let the pain be twisted into anger and hate. Do not let the enemy win over you in this. Submit those painful thoughts to Christ every time they come along. Stand on the Word and use the "sword" against those attacks.
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RE: How do I put adultery in the past?? - 1/23/2008 10:32:22 AM
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mary0965
Posts: 43
Joined: 12/6/2007
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OK - I have a delima - not that I haven't been feeling a little down lately and feeling that Satan is getting a strong hold on me because all I have been thinking about lately has been the affair and the pain that was associated with it - I thought I was being strong and starting to get through it until we got that call (see above from me) since then I have been down and not very social with my husband - It's like I am punishing him for the hurt he has caused me - again. Also, there is this big meeting at his work that the wives go to every year with the husbands. Well, needless to say also, I really don't like going to his work - everyone pretty much knows or thinks they know what happened with my husband and a co-worker (which she not longer works there and hasn't for about 8 months) I feel uncomfortable - and it's like when I step into that door of his work - it's like Satan is all around. Iknow I should be strong and hold my head up to show people that we can make it through this but sometimes I just get so overwhelmed with the whole issue of what he has done - then other times I just want to say - OK - we're moving past this - I don't care what happened - we love each other, so just move forward and I pray, and pray, and pray but right now I don't feel strong at all
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RE: How do I put adultery in the past?? - 1/23/2008 4:54:53 PM
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MrsLavender
Posts: 58
Joined: 1/12/2008
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I'm a fairly new poster to Crosswalk. I saw this topic and decided to join the discussion. I read 90% of the replies here. My eyes are getting blurry trying to read the rest of them.
I'm afraid my comment won't be very popular but here goes.
It seems to me that pretty much everyone keeps saying that none of this was hurtinginlove's fault. I disagree. Both the husband and the wife bear responsibility in the deterioration of the marriage. True, the spouse who commits the adultery bears the lion share of responsibility. But to say that just one is at fault is wrong. We are all sinners in God's eyes. None of us are righteous. None of us are better than the other.
I hope that counseling will help hurtinginlove and his wife. I hope they can figure out why the adultery happened and what they BOTH can do to bring healing to the marriage. God can work a miracle in any marriage. First, each person has to come before God and confess their own sin and ask for forgiveness. Then and only then, in my opinion, can they truly ask God to help them forgive the other. We must take the plank out of our own eye before we can help another with theirs.
_____________________________
My online journal
www.simplyheartandhome.com
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RE: How do I put adultery in the past?? - 1/23/2008 7:09:25 PM
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NoShow
Posts: 334
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MrsLavender;
Personally, I disagree with you. I believe that his marriage had problems and he surely had fault in that regard; but his wife's affair was the absence of character\integrity on her part.
To me, to say he was partially at fault that she had an affair isn't really different than saying a spouse is partial responsible if their spouse abuses them.
< Message edited by NoShow -- 1/23/2008 7:20:53 PM >
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RE: How do I put adultery in the past?? - 1/23/2008 9:53:12 PM
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MrsLavender
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You are welcome to disagree with me. I don't mind at all.
Spousal abuse is entirely different than adultery, in my opinion. Apples and Oranges.
I did say the lion share of the blame goes to the spouse who engages in the adultery.
But BECAUSE there were problems in the marriage (due to BOTH people), the wife sought for comfort, sex, whatever you want to call it elsewhere. What she did was not right. But to deny that the husband had no part in the deterioration of the marriage which led to the adultery is not right either.
_____________________________
My online journal
www.simplyheartandhome.com
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RE: How do I put adultery in the past?? - 1/24/2008 5:54:06 AM
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maddog4god
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Both parties are responsible for the "state of the marriage" - the spouse who committs adultery is 100% responsible for their affair. There's a man on death row I've written who says it's his murder victims fault since if she hadn't made him jealous, he wouldn't have killed her - very similar scenarios if you ask me.
Imagine my surprise when I discovered that my spouse was appearing to live one way while actively living another way for the majority of my marriage. I was devestated. There is nothing you can do to control or change another person so I talked to God a lot. I was going to leave at one point, God had other plans. I'm still here.
There are some really great marriage books out there you can read - two that come to mind are Because I said Forever and The Power of a Praying Wife.
_____________________________
Fifty Two Weeks to change the world!
http://www.50-two-weeks.com/
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RE: How do I put adultery in the past?? - 1/24/2008 8:01:37 AM
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MrsLavender
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I believe we are arguing semantics. :)
Committing a murder and committing adultery are two different things in my book. Yes, they are both sin and in God's eyes equally wrong. To me, a mere sinner and NOT God, I can not equate the two.
Putting that aside..........
I do agree that if the wife honestly wants to reconcile, she must quit her job asap. Continuing to work with her ex-lover is not acceptable. Just letting her husband know what shifts this guy has compared to her shifts is not acceptable. She needs to cut off all communication. Period.
If she truly recognizes that she has sinned, then she needs to ask forgiveness and make amends (see above paragraph). The marriage will not survive if she does not.
_____________________________
My online journal
www.simplyheartandhome.com
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RE: How do I put adultery in the past?? - 1/24/2008 10:56:39 AM
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iwillfearnoevil
Posts: 1331
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From: upstate NY
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mary0965: i know how you feel. i attended a Christmas party with my exwife a couple of months after her first affair and we were in the process of reconciling and it was very difficult for me to go knowing people knew. i didn't like to go to her workplace either. for me, a lot of it was pride and embarassment. we serve a great and awesome God who can turn ashes into beauty. your husband made a huge mistake and it sucks. it sounds however that he has repented and is working with you to recover your marriage. it is also great the other woman no longer works at the company. she is the one along with your husband who should be embarassed about their actions. however your husband will bring you to the meeting as the woman he is choosing to spend the rest of his life with. it is very important for betrayed spouses not to stay in victim mode as it negatively affects recovery. i know you can do it, you need to think you can do it!
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RE: How do I put adultery in the past?? - 1/24/2008 12:38:09 PM
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NoShow
Posts: 334
Joined: 5/10/2005
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quote:
ORIGINAL: MrsLavender
You are welcome to disagree with me. I don't mind at all.
Spousal abuse is entirely different than adultery, in my opinion. Apples and Oranges.
But we're really talking about someone making a choice and what lead to that choice. So yes, the actual acts of spousal abuse and having an affair are different, but in both cases it's one side choosing to go there. Saying that the other spouse contributed is an excuse. I'm sure whatever the OP contribute to the marriage having issues, many others have done the same. However, every spouse didn't choose to have an affair.
quote:
I did say the lion share of the blame goes to the spouse who engages in the adultery.
But BECAUSE there were problems in the marriage (due to BOTH people), the wife sought for comfort, sex, whatever you want to call it elsewhere. What she did was not right. But to deny that the husband had no part in the deterioration of the marriage which led to the adultery is not right either.
I'm sure almost all marriages have "problems". However, all spouses don't choose to have an affair, because of said problems. Deterioration of a marriage doesn't justify an affair, nor did it lead to the affair.
Personally, to me, "befriending" someone of the opposite sex, when you're married is wrong. When one starts down that road, 5,000 warning flags go up. Most people at that point chose to reduce their contact with such a person. Having "befriended" someone of the opposite sex, talking about your marriage with them is very wrong. About 50,000 warning flags go up. Most people catch themselves and stop. Having "those kinds of thoughts" about the other person should raise about 5 million warning flags. And when one's "heart changes" about that person about 5 billion warnings flags are raised. So there's miles of warnings that one is on the wrong path and heading into trouble. Warnings that one chooses to ignore all along the way. And none of that has anything to do with the other spouses. It's simple choosing over and over, not to do the right thing. The affair isn't merely a moment of making a mistake.
In my opinion.
Not trying to argue with you, just trying to shine some light on why we disagree.
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. My heart feels like it has a spinter in it that is always causing discomfort. My wife is trying to make things better but I'm sinking lower and lower inside. The times I feel best is when I hold her. I am now wondering how committed I am to my marriage. There is no one else I'm interested in. It is just what she did. When it is all said and done the bottom line is that she risked losing me and breaking up our family to be with him. She knew it was wrong and therefore she told lies to cover it up. I HATE to be lied to 
. So, why would I want her to be my wife? I do love her, but at times I hate her. 
