RE: How do I put adultery in the past?? (Full Version)

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mary0965 -> RE: How do I put adultery in the past?? (1/25/2008 8:16:57 AM)

Iwillfearnoevil - you have been blessed by God with your great Wisdom - I appreciate your insight and advice. I don't know what I would have done without this site! I hear what your saying - I guess it's partly the embarrassement but I also feel that everyone is watching to see how we are doing and we are being put under a microscope - I guess I can just hold my head high, hang on to my husband the whole night and make them wish they had the love that me and my husband are now having. I do, however, like you said find myself staying in the victim mode - I just want him to see how bad he has hurt me and it's hard get out of that mode - but the other night he told me I was getting quiet again and that if I continued all it was going to do was hurt our relationship - he is right - I have been just punishing him and looking for things so much that I have not been living life the way God intended. I also realized that the thoughts I was making my mind have were my thoughts and they were damaging my mind and my heart and they weren't things my husband was doing wrong but my thoughts in the way I "thought" he would be doing or doing wrong - I am really finding out a lot about myself through this whole situation also. The emotional need I didn't give my husband was Respect and Love - which we have discussed during this transition - he just thought I didn't love him or respect him anymore so he thought I wouldn't care. We are on the road to recovery and have both grown so much



hurtinginlove -> RE: How do I put adultery in the past?? (1/25/2008 9:27:40 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: mary0965

he just thought I didn't love him or respect him anymore so he thought I wouldn't care.


I heard the same thing too. However, I don't believe it. Did your husband lie to you at any time about the affair? If yes, then it was because he knew you cared and didn't want to admit his wrong. My wife lied to me many times about her affair before I gathered the facts and cornered her. She knew I cared about her and therefore told lies to cover up her wrong doings. If they really didn't think we cared about them, do you think they would continue to live two lives?[8|] Mary0965, I'm right here with you. I am not one to slice and dice things to make them appealing. They are what they are. Our spouses had affairs they knew were wrong from the beginning and chose to continue along that path. They each made a choice and now all of us have to live with the consequences. It is so unfair. Affairs are a very selffish act by the wayward spouse. Do you think your spouse would agree for you to have an affair?



MrsLavender -> RE: How do I put adultery in the past?? (1/25/2008 9:44:36 AM)

Hurtinginlove,

I feel for you. I honestly do. Your wife has sinned against you. From what I have read, it seems as if she is trying to make it right though. I still believe she should quit her job and work elsewhere and cut off all communication with him.

If this is the case.......

You honestly need to let it go. You need to let your anger go. You need to forgive her. I understand it may seem impossible to do this but with God, ALL things are possible. It may be a minute by minute thing to rely on God for strength and forgiveness. But unless you learn to lean on God and forgive her, it is you that is sinning against her now. In God's eyes, her adultery is no worse than your forgiveness.



valnoren -> RE: How do I put adultery in the past?? (1/25/2008 10:02:55 AM)

mary0965,
Hang in there. I know it is hard in those situations. I struggled , we all struggle with the same thoughts. We want the other person to know what it feels like and the sad fact is they will never really know.

Right now your mind is a battle ground. And the enemy is maneuvering to take advantage of this situation. It sounds as if your husband is really trying to work at healing with you, and you are doing the same. But the enemy wants to use anything that will continue push the two of you further apart. So your inundated with the painful thoughts and the thoughts flood in with what other people "will" or "might" be thinking. All those thoughts are lies! And if you have Christ in you then He can bring down those strongholds (lies). Recognize Satan's scheme's for what they are and in prayer bring those thoughts to Christ. Also if you can explain, in a loving gentle way, to your husband the terrible thoughts you struggle with everyday and ask him to join you in prayer. Leave it open he may not understand or respond to your expectations but pray that God will work with him regarding this. Back to being around others, look at what God has delivered the both of you through so far! Your marriage is under attack and God has brought you through it. Use it to stand tall for Christ and as an opportunity to tell others just how graceful, loving and forgiving God has been to you and your husband!

Use these to fight.

2 Corinthians 2:11
11 so that no advantage would be taken of us by Satan, for we are not ignorant of his schemes.

Ephesians 6:11
11 Put on the full armor of God, so that you will be able to stand firm against the schemes of the devil.

2 Corinthians 10
Now I, Paul, myself urge you by the meekness and gentleness of Christ--I who am meek when face to face with you, but bold toward you when absent!
2 I ask that when I am present I need not be bold with the confidence with which I propose to be courageous against some, who regard us as if we walked according to the flesh. 3 For though we walk in the flesh, we do not war according to the flesh, 4 for the weapons of our warfare are not of the flesh, but divinely powerful for the destruction of fortresses (strongholds). 5 We are destroying speculations and every lofty thing raised up against the knowledge of God, and we are taking every thought captive to the obedience of Christ,

Ephesians 4
26 BE ANGRY, AND yet DO NOT SIN; do not let the sun go down on your anger, 27 and do not give the devil an opportunity.
28 He who steals must steal no longer; but rather he must labor, performing with his own hands what is good, so that he will have something to share with one who has need. 29 Let no unwholesome word proceed from your mouth, but only such a word as is good for edification according to the need of the moment, so that it will give grace to those who hear. 30 Do not grieve the Holy Spirit of God, by whom you were sealed for the day of redemption. 31 Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander be put away from you, along with all malice. 32 Be kind to one another, tender-hearted, forgiving each other, just as God in Christ also has forgiven you.

Psalms 145 (very long so look it up to be encouraged)

Hebrews 4:15-16
15 For we do not have a high priest who cannot sympathize with our weaknesses, but One who has been tempted in all things as we are, yet without sin. 16 Therefore let us draw near with confidence to the throne of grace, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help in time of need.

Hebrews 12:2
2 fixing our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of faith, who for the joy set before Him endured the cross, despising the shame, and has sat down at the right hand of the throne of God.

Philippians 4:8
Finally, brethren, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is of good repute, if there is any excellence and if anything worthy of praise, dwell on these things.

I will continue in prayer for all of you.
-Val



iwillfearnoevil -> RE: How do I put adultery in the past?? (1/25/2008 11:54:39 AM)

thank you very much mary0965. i am glad i can pass on wisdom and comfort that i've painfully learned. it really does help me not hurt as much and able to look back not so bitter. it truly allows me to be a living example of the below scripture. unfortunately our victim mode hinders recovery. we think thoughts like "it's not fair, if only my spouse new the pain they caused" or "i just want to be able to go lay down and cry" or "my life would be so perfect now if not for xxxxxx". this thinking is dangerous, and they are thoughts and we do have control over our thoughts. it's not fair, but betrayed spouses need to put the affair in the past and this is critical. if there is only one thing i can pass on to you, is the importance of that. i had trouble with that and it directly affected our recovery.

i also disagree with the comment that wayward spouses don't care about betrayed spouses. they do, however they care about the other person as well and often undergo an internal struggle. remembers affairs are like addictions and clouds their thinkings.

--
Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God.
2 Corinthians 1:3-4 (NIV)



kimS -> RE: How do I put adultery in the past?? (1/27/2008 9:35:45 PM)

Dear Hurtinginlove, I read alot but couldn't read everything. I see that you've gotten some good and kind responses. I can speak a little here because I have been your wife! And my dear husband has been you! This is my 2nd and his 3rd marriage. His first wife left him very soon (young age) after 3 kids born, for a friend of his. Lucky he lived! The 2nd one unfaithful for all 30 years, but he stayed for kids, and faithfully...excellent man! He was 52 and me 33 when we married. God has beautifully shown us that He has divine presence in our marriage and the purposes of it. God gave us and me 2 more kids after I lost so much of the first ones to divorce settings.

He is 65 and me 46 today. We have been through some major trials. So much due to me. And really I am a deep lover of Jesus and callings I have and it's ridiculous the things I've gotten into. Luckily I never did get to the point of actually doing anything physically, but did have a hot and heavy affair otherwise. He felt everything you do! At one point he sat in a field with a gun waiting for the guy to drive by. We both ended up in the Psych's office. I learned something about myself there! I learned that my histroy of men since very young does have atleast partial connection to genetic chemical depression. Now the Psych asked me if thought this was the reason or if I was just a person who looks for excitement.

I know the answer, and I have struggled to know the Why's about me for a long time. All in all I am a seasoned and Christ like person, a respected person who also respects other people, who also has known the great value of this good man God gave me. So why?

People come up with all kind of answers. The woman gives these common answers: You weren't there for me/I lacked this or that/ etc...
May be true in a sense, but yet some people don't cheat even if their spouse is gone alot. So why? While it does take 2, I think still alot of the reasons are in her, or were. Many people have shades of chemical imbalance, not saying she does. For me I think it was like the Psych described...my low mood/feeling in myself and about me...the depression...causes you to look for or come across things that give you a "lift" in life...and you become focused or obsessed with whatever or whoever it is. This "lift" is not love, it's just something that you end up clinging to because it's an upper. In the same, it's like sin...it consumes you like a fire.

People become pretty helpless to get out of the fire once they get only a small foot in it. It's truly a stronghold! Especially women, but men also cannot fight it even with all the Realities! Like what they might lose! You try to reason with them....How could you do this knowing what it would do to me or our marriage? They can't answer because they couldn't Reason then! And they probably tried to.

Whatever caused her to do it is not as important as the present. I tell you, most people are capable of it! And I love my husband with all the love I could have for a man...he is Excellent in my eyes, and I respect him and would die to lose him. Doesn't make sense does it?

I tell you, God saved me! He saved our marriage and family. I have deep gratitude. My husband fought....I fought very hard too, believe it or not...to fight these things. He confronted me and scared me to death! This has happened a few times, though again nothing physical ever happened but he found out that something was happening in my mind!

Logic and reason hasn't had much power to change me or help me. The anti-depressants I've now been taking since age 40 help alot...I "think" in a better way...I don't get lost in the forest! sin is a deceptive forest chemical imbalance can put your mind also in an illogical forest.

My husband has been able to forgive me and even go on with peace, after some time, because of this great love he has for me. Granted I don't think he will take it again, though he says he will always love me, a person can only take so much. He has scared me enough to cause me to take him very seriously! And that's a good thing...and you might ought to let the Mrs. know that though you love her with your life, you will not be able to take this again and she needs not ever forget that.

Later sometime I may tell you the dramatic story of how I almost left, not due to a man, but to a false woman prophet who had me persuaded, possessed I should be going to Africa with her for a big mission. Again...the destoyer! God has told me before, "satan has tried to destroy your family." Also told years ago that "satan desires to sift you as sand." he truly has been hard after me in life. he truly is working all the time to destroy marriages and families!

God intervened greatly in this last one. Long and miraculous story. My husband almost died due to it all...and saw Jesus in this house and was miraculously healed and I was also Delivered! My husband "heard" words after all this....not with his ears.....they are very signifigant!

"You must be Forever Vigilant"

These words are in Peter I think. God has told my Phil, when he's often asked him how long he would be with me...that he would be with me as long as I needed him. I was shown that I was not needing him anymore and he was dying. Phil is 65 and I am 46. I have some kind of callings, and am knowing my purposes are yet still coming. Apparently God gave me this man, for many reasons, and we both know that one is as a protector. I really am a nice and good girl with values and respect, and hate the things I've done and hate the weaknesses I've had. I keep telling him....the day is coming when not only will satan no longer be able to use this temptation against me, but when I will live for God and his purposes and not want or need a man. All I mean by that is that if my Phil goes home before me, I will then be strong enough and seasoned enough from all the fires....it will God's time and I will give the rest to him, and likely would not marry again or have any issues with men.

Strange ha? It's just something I know. Anyway, look at it this way.....satan comes for no other reasons but to kill, steal, and destroy, and one of his Biggest thrusts is on marriage! He hates it! He hates you, your wife, and your kids! He wan'ts to divide you and destroy you!

Your wife probably does love you, value you, and her home and family. It's often more of a spiritual problem than one of Reason. Men do Reason and live by Reason more than women generally. Don't give in yet...and let satan have your family! Oh! About being vigilant! the message from God was....Brothers and sisters...we "Must" remain on guard at all times! Find and read the scripture...."your enemy the devil, as a roaring lion, walketh about, seeking whom he may devour...."

See your wife as a victim....but yet Brother...dont' give her any space. Watch her like a hawk and let her know you are watching. give temptation no place....it's scriptural! so then....give her no place to be tempted. With this message also God said....He is a Father and wants us to not hesitate, but come to him right away when we have a problem. The miracles in our house happened "After" I saw Phil one night bent over the tub sobbing his soul out to God.

He remains a constant guard dog today....Phil I mean. he has left me no room....and you know....I love him for it and am thankful for such a man.

I would love the chance actually to befriend your wife and talk. I understand women, and believe that alot of the work needs to be done in her heart and mind. I think again she probably loves you and her family, but Brother, once satan gets you once on this temptation, you remain suseptible. But....God can deliver you from it! The Truth sets us free!

What a blabber mouth I am! This kinda thing breaks my heart and also makes me mad! Mad at the one who is behind it...satan! So now after being a Nurse for 10 years I am pursuing marriage and Family counceling...via a "Christian" online Univ. ofcourse! And it was just after the miraculous healing and deliverance with us that God dropped this on me and I was not even thinking I could do this at my age!

To your wife....this man you have is God's man for you! If you lack anything, ask the Lord, who holds the things "You" need! What you need and desire...what will make you feel whole and full and complete....is not found in another man or in affairs....those things are satan's counterfeits! Countefeit joy and love and excitement. Let's work on being a "Virtuous" woman...and "knowing" this high calling and the magnificent blessings it holds!

In the Love of the Merciful One, who is All power to
us for anything that exalts itself in our life that is not
God.....the writer....Sis Kim



trigrl -> RE: How do I put adultery in the past?? (1/28/2008 11:31:01 PM)

Hurtinginlove,

Unfortunately I echo many people here who can say we have / are walking through a similar situation. I applaud you for trying to work on your marriage. My husband rejected the thought of reconcilliation and chose to leave for another woman who was one of my best friends.

One thing in your first post caught my eye -- the thought that you didn't know if you would walk away the next time you were tempted with another woman. I've been in that situation too and at the end of the day, its your integrity on the line. One word of encouragement: Galations 6:9 Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up.

Hide that verse in your heart. A wise person counseled me to be careful in my actions that I don't cause God to work harder in both of our lives. God has brought this verse to my mind MANY times in the past two months as the affair was revealed and I experienced anger like I have never known.

I'm still working through the anger, but I cling to God's promises: Psalm 91:1 He who dwells in the shelter of the most high will rest in the shadow of the Almighty and Psalm 147:3 He heals the broken hearted and binds up their wounds.



hurtinginlove -> RE: How do I put adultery in the past?? (1/31/2008 3:09:18 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: MrsLavender

I hope they can figure out why the adultery happened and what they BOTH can do to bring healing to the marriage.



There is nothing to figure out. I was busy working for my family during the day and I was home at night. My family includes HER. She benefits from the hard work. She had sex with a co-worker on several occasions during the time I'm busting my butt. The guy she has the affair with had just gotten through having an affair with another co-worker and that was a mess. My wife knew this and still she went for him. You cannot tell me she didn't know what she was doing. I'm telling all of you, there is nothing special about this guy. Now, who was really wrong here, me for working or her for adultery? All she had to do was communicate her feelings to me about how she felt. Do you think I would bust my butt all the time for me? Heck no. It is all for my family. I did not fail as a husband and father supporting my family. My wife failed as being a loyal trusting wife and communicating her feelings with me. I worked hard for my family so we would not always be pulled apart going to different jobs. I told her this before. You know, I kept looking for her to bring me a cold glass of lemonade on those hot days, but it never happened.

Heck, is it a sin to work hard now so you can enjoy more years of financial freedom with your spouse? If so, then I'm going to buy me a 50 inch flat screen TV and set on the couch all the time and become a lazy man and probably fat and sloppy too. We will stay at home and watch Gun Smoke, Little House on the Prairie and The Andy Griffith show instead of going to Charleston, Savannah or Ashville for a long weekend and visiting interesting places. She enjoyes this but she needs to realize it comes at a price. Some people don't know how to appreciate a spouse who is willing to provide for their family. You women out there, make sure you communicate with your husbands and tell them your feelings. Let it be an open highway.

My wife doesn't want me to leave. Why didn't she think of this before. I'm talking about during the flirting stages. She knew where this thing was headed before it ever got there. She could have gotten off anytime but she went for the whole ride. Why should I stay?

I'm having one of those days again. When will they ever stop? I'm soooo tired of them....



MrsLavender -> RE: How do I put adultery in the past?? (1/31/2008 3:18:45 PM)

Hurtinginlove,

I understand that you are hurting from your wife's adultery. I do not see why you feel the need to take it out on me. I found your response to be rude and angry. Perhaps this is a result of all that has happened to you, I don't know.

Regardless, your attitude toward her now is not one of Christ's love or forgiveness. Until you are able to let that anger and bitterness go, there is nothing anyone will be able to say to you that will help.



hurtinginlove -> RE: How do I put adultery in the past?? (1/31/2008 3:40:49 PM)

MrsLavender,

I apologize for causing you to feel as though all my flame is towards you. I don't know if you have ever been a betrayed spouse or not but it is not easy to deal with. My emotions are up and down due to this affair. I have two kids and I certainly don't want to break our family up. My wife showed me she was willing to take that chance to be with another man. I have told her to go back to him but now she only wants me. So what do I do now? This is not a game where you take turns with different partners. Marriage is the real deal and certain things are expected from each spouse, adultery is not one of them. I deal with it on a daily basis. Some days are better than others and today is not one of my better days.



MrsLavender -> RE: How do I put adultery in the past?? (1/31/2008 4:05:25 PM)

Hurtinginlove,

Apology accepted. I know that you are hurting. I am praying for you and your family. All you can truly do is give each moment to the Lord and pray for His grace, patience, and love to shine through you.

I don't know if you are familiar with the book of Hosea in the Old Testament. God actually told Hosea to take a harlot for a wife. (I know not your circumstance but bear with me) Hosea did. The wife, Gomer, was unfaithful. Hosea did separate and "divorce" her but by God's love, forgave her and remarried her. This book in the Bible illustrates our unfaithfulness to God and how God truly loves us and forgives us time and time again.

I know it isn't easy. Many people are praying for you all. Rest in that God's peace can surpass all this.



TMeeks -> RE: How do I put adultery in the past?? (1/31/2008 5:53:14 PM)

quote:

How do I put adultery in the past??


Lord, we pray that today will be the day that you begin to move both HurtinginLove and his wife into the very center of your will for them, both individually and together. For, the healing power of the love, joy and peace that you want for them is far, far greater than the evil of her adultery and his pain. You have MORE than paid for both through your unimaginable sacrifice.

Thank you Lord that you have borne her sins and carried them to the grave and rose again, in victory over the power of ANY evil that she has done. Because YOU were victorious, HurtingInLove and his wife can be victorious.



hurtinginlove -> RE: How do I put adultery in the past?? (2/1/2008 9:43:02 AM)

TMeeks,

Thanks for the prayer. I needed it.

I'm human just like the rest of you. I smile, laugh, joke, cry, frown and of course I sometimes hurt deep down inside. Since this affair has come to surface, I hurt more than I ever have. I know my wife loves me but that still does not stop the hurt. To me, her affair questions the depth of her love for me.

Thanks to all of you for posting here. There are others who have posted on here who are going through similar situations as I am. I pray that things get better for each of you.

My question is, "If you love someone, how can you make this kind of mistake? An ongoing conscious decision mistake." I have a huge problem with that.



TMeeks -> RE: How do I put adultery in the past?? (2/1/2008 12:20:57 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: hurtinginlove

TMeeks,

Thanks for the prayer. I needed it.

I'm human just like the rest of you. I smile, laugh, joke, cry, frown and of course I sometimes hurt deep down inside. Since this affair has come to surface, I hurt more than I ever have. I know my wife loves me but that still does not stop the hurt. To me, her affair questions the depth of her love for me.

Thanks to all of you for posting here. There are others who have posted on here who are going through similar situations as I am. I pray that things get better for each of you.

My question is, "If you love someone, how can you make this kind of mistake? An ongoing conscious decision mistake." I have a huge problem with that.


Recently, I've come to believe that what the bible calls the 'FLESH' as being the Carnal Man is more than simply a spiritual metaphor. It's a physical reality. We begin with a brain that is wired a particular way, distorted by Adam's fall, and then we start making physical synaptic connections as we face life's experiences. Each memory, whether good or bad, is a PHYSICAL connection. A brutal father, a cold mother, sexual abuse, emotional abuse...produce memories that are just as physical and tangible as the senews that tie our joints together.

I'm becoming more and more convinced that every new experience is first filtered through previous experiences starting with our very earliest thoughts. This means that our decision making, if left on its own, is entirely dependent on our FLESH connections to determine how we will react. In some people, even non-Christians, the pathway that ultimately leads to decisions about fidelity include strong connections regarding boundaries. But, in others, those boundary connections are missing.

So, in one person, what pops to the surface is a clear choice between self-gratification and considering the impact on another... with a stronger bias toward considering the other. In others, it might be just the opposite. They might love their spouse; but, their brain filtering and pathways, at that very time, is biased toward self gratification. They feel they can do both. Love their spouse and gratify their immediate feelings for the chemical excitement that an affair brings.

That's the bad news.

But, here's the good news. Jesus Christ is stronger than all the twisted connections in our brain. But, we need to see Him in all His Glory to let His power dominate over our FLESH (brain connections) so that the Holy Spirit can re-route our thoughts to end at His Will for us. Most people, unfortunately, picture Jesus as this guy walking around Israel in a robe and fail to realize who He REALLY was... the Almighty Creator having such power that he literally SPOKE the heavens and the earth into being. A small Jesus, unforunately, is powerless to have victory over the very powerful physical connections of a lifetime. So, we fail and listen to our connections that began far earlier than your marriage. But, an Almighty Jesus never fails. We need to train our minds to see behind the human Jesus, the CREATOR JESUS... the ONLY one that knows completely how our brains work. The Only one that is powerful enough to overcome the flesh.

The solution is for both of you to realize that you have the most pure and powerful force in the Cosmos living right inside you and that is the Holy Spirit that this almighty Creator Jesus Christ gave to you at your rebirth. He's not far away. He is right there with you and her.

You can pound on her all you want. You can pity yourself all you want and you will NEVER change the course of the way either of you think. But, I am convinced that if you invite the Father, through the Holy Spirit to take control and allow him to move both you and your wife to the Center of His Will, then those FLESH connections that made such a poor and sinful choice will be replaced, nullified, changed or jumped over when similar temptations come again.

As for you. Be obedient to the Word and love your wife. "Husbands, Love your wives as Christ Loved the Church" is NOT a conditional command. Love her so much that you can honestly tell God that her spiritual happiness, in Jesus Christ, and her coming to want to Praise His name forever is FAR, FAR more important to you than your marriage or your own happiness.

But, remember, we don't have to have these long drawn out prayers where we plead over and over for God to do this or that in our marriage or spouse's life. God knows FAR better than we do what has to happen in the deepest recesses of our FLESHLY memory banks and decision processes to overcome the evil and selfishness that lies in all of us. Just simply invite Him to began moving you both to the very center of His will and leave it there.

Like a ship on water there is momentum of a lifetime to overcome. So, don't be discouraged if you don't see instant results. Just trust that deep down, synapse by synapse that your flesh and her flesh is being changed so that every thought will be taken captive and the abundant life that Christ offers to both of you will be a wonderful and joyful reality.



trigrl -> RE: How do I put adultery in the past?? (2/2/2008 3:27:38 AM)

quote:

My question is, "If you love someone, how can you make this kind of mistake? An ongoing conscious decision mistake." I have a huge problem with that.


I struggle with the same question. Affairs are a conscious decision. Yes, it's tempting to have someone of the opposite sex find you attractive, but you make a decision to act on that temptation or to run the other way. And when it's an ongoing affair, it's an ongoing decision to hurt your spouse, to destroy your family, to live a lie.

I cry out to God because I have so much anger and I don't know what to do with it. Some days I think things are going well, then something comes up out of the blue like my husband drops off a box of stuff on the porch that he accidentally took . . . a random shirt, a pair of socks, and a skirt -- which belongs to the other woman, not me. Anger comes flooding in. It's an emotion that God gave us. I'm trying very hard not to sin out of anger.

There are some things in life you don't just get over in a moment.

Hurting -- keep fighting for your marrige . . . for you . . . for your kids . . . for those of us who didn't have the choice.

For those posting advice who have never walked down this path, please keep in mind you never know how you will react to a situation until you are in it. I NEVER thought I would be in a marriage that is heading for divorce, but here I am. I wouldn't have predicted my reactions. By the grace of God, they are far better than I would have ever thought most days. But it's a struggle every day.

While I firmly believe that divorce should not be a choice for Christian couples (and am not advocating that) -- I often ponder why God specifically calls out adultery as an allowable reason for divorce. That does not mean God can not work miracles or that we must take that option, but obviously God knew how hard it is to work through these ugly situations. Or as one paster has put it -- know how hard it is to try and unscramble scrambled eggs.

Dr. Dobson does a great job of outlining the anatomy of an affair in his book Love Must Be Tough. Worth reading, even if you're not in the situation. It really helped me see the slow progression. For those who want to place blame on both spouses, mine has admitted that he chose not to tell me how he was feeling. He found it easier not to talk to me. His words. He avoids conflict. Instead, he used the opportunities when I traveled for work to have an affair. He withdrew until he was miserable and then sought comfort with another woman. I refuse to take responsibility for his choice to cut off communication with me and sleep with another woman repeatedly.



Marcus. -> RE: How do I put adultery in the past?? (2/4/2008 3:15:28 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: trigrl

While I firmly believe that divorce should not be a choice for Christian couples (and am not advocating that) -- I often ponder why God specifically calls out adultery as an allowable reason for divorce. That does not mean God can not work miracles or that we must take that option, but obviously God knew how hard it is to work through these ugly situations. Or as one paster has put it -- know how hard it is to try and unscramble scrambled eggs.


In Matthew 19:8 "Jesus replied, "Moses permitted you to divorce your wives because your hearts were hard. But it was not this way from the beginning." and Mark 10:3 "What did Moses command you?" he replied. 4 They said, "Moses permitted a man to write a certificate of divorce and send her away." 5 "It was because your hearts were hard that Moses wrote you this law," Jesus replied.

And in Matthew 19:6 "So they are no longer two, but one. Therefore what God has joined together, let man not separate."

Also from Malachi regarding divorce" 2:15 "But not one has done {so} who has a remnant of the Spirit."



mary0965 -> RE: How do I put adultery in the past?? (2/4/2008 9:16:15 AM)

These are all great posts and I was one of those that always said - the only reason for divorce would be if my husband was unfaithful to me - well, it happened - and in a million years I never thought I would face this. But I am, and with Gods help, I am finding out that I can conquer this. We are moving on with our marriage and I have to tell you we both have learned so much about each other and we both are realizing alot when it comes to marriage. Our marriage is so much stronger, we are more loving, and we are moving forward - no, it's not easy at times - for me, I really struggle but I always say a prayer when I am faced with negative thoughts and I just say Stop - Satan you have no stronghold on me! I think about wonderful thoughts of where we are today and the thoughts diminish and have been - I know I will always know of the hurt - like childbirth - you know it was painful but when I try to think of the pain I can't - hopefully this will be how I will feel as time passes. You are also right in that you NEVER know what you are going to do until you are in the situation - for me, I am glad I am sticking it out - the last thing I have to work on is me just being back to being me. I have wasted a lot of time over the last 8 months since the affair, looking over my shoulder, worrying, not trusting my spouse, etc. that I haven't really had a life and I am realizing that I need to move on. My husband and I said our prayer yesterday and at the end he told God he was a terrible sinner and just thanked God for his Grace each and every day. I know my husband is moving past and is very sorry for what he has done so now it's my turn to move on and just enjoy life with him and as long as we keep God in the forefront I believe anything is possible...



mary0965 -> RE: How do I put adultery in the past?? (2/4/2008 2:04:59 PM)

I forgot one thing - "if" anything should ever happen where my husband is ever unfaithful again - which I truly believe in my heart he wouldn't - nonetheless, I would definately divorce - I would not stay with him - I would pray for him but I believe at this point he is not being faithful to God and he will have to face that on judgement day and I will have to go on with my life - it would be like he is turning against God.



iwillfearnoevil -> RE: How do I put adultery in the past?? (2/4/2008 3:32:05 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: hurtinginlove
My question is, "If you love someone, how can you make this kind of mistake? An ongoing conscious decision mistake." I have a huge problem with that.


affairs are like addictions ...



TMeeks -> RE: How do I put adultery in the past?? (2/4/2008 8:50:57 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: mary0965

I forgot one thing - "if" anything should ever happen where my husband is ever unfaithful again - which I truly believe in my heart he wouldn't - nonetheless, I would definately divorce - I would not stay with him - I would pray for him but I believe at this point he is not being faithful to God and he will have to face that on judgement day and I will have to go on with my life - it would be like he is turning against God.

Absolutely!!!

I once in a small group where we were discussing forgiveness. A woman spoke up declaring that she had forgiven her husband every time he'd had an affair. Unfortunately, she was demonstrating anything but the proper response.

The first time, she was right to forgive, because just about anyone with the right buttons being pushed can fall into the sin of adultery. Marriages last over an entire lifetime and face many, many pressures, etc. that can result in one-time failures.

But, when a person repeats that kind of behaviour, they have gone beyond a 'mistake' and moved right into deliberately repudiating the entire Biblical concept of marriage. Moreover, a second affair... and, certainly any more than that... indicates that that spouses problem goes well beyond a weak moment. It indicates a cesspool of evil and absolutely no real repentence.

For her to stay with her husband in that situation was simply enabling, with her being able to play the 'righteous one' to all her friends and fellow believers. It a little like those mothers that poison their children to look like caring moms. She was as sick as he was.

Boundaries are the foundation of a healthy relationship and keeping boundaries is the mark of a spouse that honors God's definition of marriage. So, I firmly agree with you on your observation.



TMeeks -> RE: How do I put adultery in the past?? (2/4/2008 8:58:43 PM)

quote:

For those posting advice who have never walked down this path, please keep in mind you never know how you will react to a situation until you are in it. I NEVER thought I would be in a marriage that is heading for divorce, but here I am. I wouldn't have predicted my reactions. By the grace of God, they are far better than I would have ever thought most days. But it's a struggle every day.


The Word of God is universal and one doesn't have to have walked that road to understand spiritual solutions. Otherwise, most pastors and counselors would never be able to help anyone. But, I understand what you are saying. None of us really know what we would do in such a devastating situation until we are faced with it personally. But, even that doesn't make one more helpful... since one's natural reactions might be completely unBiblical. [:)]

Evaluate the contributions on their spiritual and healing merits rather than their experience. Experience doesn't always equate to maturity and wisdom. [:)]

From what I've read, iwillfearnoevil, thankfully, has both.



guitarmark -> RE: How do I put adultery in the past?? (2/4/2008 10:15:49 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: iwillfearnoevil

affairs are like addictions ...


Yes, they are, and they get easier and easier as time goes by. The first one was marked by guilt and shame but subsequent affairs much less so. Giving up the "rush" that a spouse gets from cheating on their partner becomes harder and harder. Getting that fix becomes more important that the continued, escalating pain and damage that they cause.



mary0965 -> RE: How do I put adultery in the past?? (2/5/2008 10:17:06 AM)

TMeeks - I agree totally with you! It's like I have forgiven my husband but I still want him to see how much he has hurt me so he doesn't forget the pain that he has caused and he will never do what he has done again but I know that is so totally wrong. I feel that if I get on with my life - he will think - I guess it didn't bother her that much - I can do it again - I also know this is wrong and it is just Satan putting all these thoughts into my head. I want to get on with my life and I am trying real hard - sometimes I feel I might be doing damage with my relationship with my husband because of the ups and downs that I have and that scares me! You think it would scare me enough to stop because I know that we can have a beautiful marriage and we are heading down that path but sometimes I feel we can't communicate much when we are out together and it's mostly me because of my "moods" - any advice?



benelchi -> RE: How do I put adultery in the past?? (2/6/2008 10:19:15 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: TMeeks

quote:

ORIGINAL: mary0965

I forgot one thing - "if" anything should ever happen where my husband is ever unfaithful again - which I truly believe in my heart he wouldn't - nonetheless, I would definately divorce - I would not stay with him - I would pray for him but I believe at this point he is not being faithful to God and he will have to face that on judgement day and I will have to go on with my life - it would be like he is turning against God.

Absolutely!!!

I once in a small group where we were discussing forgiveness. A woman spoke up declaring that she had forgiven her husband every time he'd had an affair. Unfortunately, she was demonstrating anything but the proper response.

The first time, she was right to forgive, because just about anyone with the right buttons being pushed can fall into the sin of adultery. Marriages last over an entire lifetime and face many, many pressures, etc. that can result in one-time failures.

But, when a person repeats that kind of behaviour, they have gone beyond a 'mistake' and moved right into deliberately repudiating the entire Biblical concept of marriage. Moreover, a second affair... and, certainly any more than that... indicates that that spouses problem goes well beyond a weak moment. It indicates a cesspool of evil and absolutely no real repentence.

For her to stay with her husband in that situation was simply enabling, with her being able to play the 'righteous one' to all her friends and fellow believers. It a little like those mothers that poison their children to look like caring moms. She was as sick as he was.

Boundaries are the foundation of a healthy relationship and keeping boundaries is the mark of a spouse that honors God's definition of marriage. So, I firmly agree with you on your observation.


I would agree with you that the person that JUST forgives their spouse who continues to get involved in affair after affair is handling things entirely the wrong way; this is not biblical forgiveness; however, I don't see a "one time" rule as the right answer. I have known marriages where multiple affairs have continued to happen without any real repentance over several years, but eventually there was genuine repentance and the marriage turned around and became strong and vibrant. I have also seen many marriages where only one affair destroyed the marriage because there was never any repentance. I do agree that boundaries are important, but I don't believe that divorce is very often the right consequence when boundaries are crossed; however, I wouldn't have a problem changing the locks and leaving some packed bags on the porch. I don't believe that there should ever be reconciliation until there has been a demonstration of genuine repentance, but I do think it is important to leave room for genuine repentance to happen. When a spouse must truly face the consequences of their sin, I have found they often will either genuinely repent or choose to leave the marriage themselves.



mary0965 -> RE: How do I put adultery in the past?? (2/6/2008 12:57:52 PM)

Sorry but repentence means to turn away from the sin you committed - if someone is truly repentence and I believe my husband is - then I don't expect for him to do it again. The ones you talked about that didn't really truly repent - then they are also turning away from God because it is quite clear in the bible as to what is says about repentence and I don't believe that you can truly repent and do it again - you are defying everything about God. Like I said - my husband repented - I expect himto turn and never do it again - if he does - he not only defies me but God also and that is totally wrong - we all sin but when you repent then you are really making also a vow with God.



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