RE: How do I put adultery in the past?? (Full Version)

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FrenchLady -> RE: How do I put adultery in the past?? (2/7/2008 3:20:43 AM)

Hi hurting in love.I need to tell you i read everything you write and i cannot beleive how your feelings are exactly the same as mine.How can my husband have done this to our family while i was carrying our precious child inside? How could he have not toughts of the consequences? He was hidding everything chosing this double life while i was at home making a home for him, making sure he had what he needed when he came home like a wife should looking after the house and the children and reading my bible everyday,homeschooling and doing my best to provide to his needs? How could he go after such a tremp and ruined our marriage vow? It hurts so very bad i never hurt so much in my entire life. Don`t i deserve to have someone who will really commit til death do us part? I gave all my heart, body to this person and he trought it all away on the first one that threw herself at him. No cares about what it would do to our family!! Selfish is unbeleivably true and i feel just like you . I feel good only when he holds me but then those horrible thoughts of her holding him too haunts me and i feel sick to my stomach. How do i trust him again? We are in marriage counselling and he has left his job for now he is on stress leave trying to find something else so he doesn`t have to go back.I don`t know how you are not telling your wife she has to quit that job? For me that was first priority or i would relive this everyday. We do have good days too but no way no how can he ever go back to where she is. It has to be history for me to not think about this on a daily basis. It helps a lot that he is not there.If he goes back for sure for me i will leave i cannot go under another year of lie and wondering if he is telling the truth. I pray for us both that God will restore our families or give us a new one if it is his will. Living like this is not living. I want those feelings gone too.Then his question of : " When you married me i thought that you took me just as i was ? "Ring into my head how did i miss him when i never went anywhere and did everything to make a home for our family. Did i mention i also work from home 30 hours a week to help as well? So what was wrong with me loving him and sacrificing myself for our family while he was busy having sex with miss trempy at work????

I need God`s help or will never get through this. Do i love him? Yes but i don`t like him anymore and the thoughts of finding a person that would truly commit seems really appealing but is the grass really greener elswhere? Since that happened to me i have had so many people tell me it happened to them. It worries me and a lot of them are not with their spouses anymore? What about you IWILLFEAR NO EVIL why did it broke?
What is my chances of making this marriage a new and stronger one? Or are we just wasting our time waiting til the addiction kicks again and we get cheated on again????

Any advices,prayers from anyone would really help i am so hurt!!

God bless



benelchi -> RE: How do I put adultery in the past?? (2/7/2008 11:30:35 AM)

quote:

I need God`s help or will never get through this. Do i love him? Yes but i don`t like him anymore and the thoughts of finding a person that would truly commit seems really appealing but is the grass really greener elswhere? Since that happened to me i have had so many people tell me it happened to them. It worries me and a lot of them are not with their spouses anymore? What about you IWILLFEAR NO EVIL why did it broke?
What is my chances of making this marriage a new and stronger one? Or are we just wasting our time waiting til the addiction kicks again and we get cheated on again????

Any advices,prayers from anyone would really help i am so hurt!!


For those marriages that I know of where there was genuine repentance and where both spouses were committed to their marriage, I have seen almost all come out on the other side of an affair much stronger. It does take time, much longer than most people realize, but healing can really happen. For those marriages that do make it, I think the keys are:

1) Genuine repentance by the spouse who was involved in the affair, and acceptance for the responsibility for that failure i.e no blaming the other spouse for the affair.

2) Genuine forgiveness by the spouse who was betrayed i.e. no using the affair to get the upper hand.

3) A willingness to work on all issues facing the marriage by both spouses, even those unrelated to the affair.

4) A willingness to graciously accept new boundaries to protect the marriage from any further betrayal.

Above all, make sure to include God in your marriage; pray and rely on him for your strength.



laura... -> RE: How do I put adultery in the past?? (2/7/2008 11:39:00 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: benelchi

quote:

I need God`s help or will never get through this. Do i love him? Yes but i don`t like him anymore and the thoughts of finding a person that would truly commit seems really appealing but is the grass really greener elswhere? Since that happened to me i have had so many people tell me it happened to them. It worries me and a lot of them are not with their spouses anymore? What about you IWILLFEAR NO EVIL why did it broke?
What is my chances of making this marriage a new and stronger one? Or are we just wasting our time waiting til the addiction kicks again and we get cheated on again????

Any advices,prayers from anyone would really help i am so hurt!!


For those marriages that I know of where there was genuine repentance and where both spouses were committed to their marriage, I have seen almost all come out on the other side of an affair much stronger. It does take time, much longer than most people realize, but healing can really happen. For those marriages that do make it, I think the keys are:

1) Genuine repentance by the spouse who was involved in the affair, and acceptance for the responsibility for that failure i.e no blaming the other spouse for the affair.

2) Genuine forgiveness by the spouse who was betrayed i.e. no using the affair to get the upper hand.

3) A willingness to work on all issues facing the marriage by both spouses, even those unrelated to the affair.

4) A willingness to graciously accept new boundaries to protect the marriage from any further betrayal.

Above all, make sure to include God in your marriage; pray and rely on him for your strength.


I'll add a fifth key:

5) Patience on the part of both spouses; understanding that healing from an affair takes a long time -- years not month.



benelchi -> RE: How do I put adultery in the past?? (2/7/2008 12:09:57 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: mary0965

Sorry but repentence means to turn away from the sin you committed - if someone is truly repentence and I believe my husband is - then I don't expect for him to do it again. The ones you talked about that didn't really truly repent - then they are also turning away from God because it is quite clear in the bible as to what is says about repentence and I don't believe that you can truly repent and do it again - you are defying everything about God. Like I said - my husband repented - I expect himto turn and never do it again - if he does - he not only defies me but God also and that is totally wrong - we all sin but when you repent then you are really making also a vow with God.



The reality as Christians we all repent (hopefully truly from the heart) from the sins that we commit against God, and yet we often return to the same exact sins again, and find ourselves needing to repent all over again, and God forgives us each and every time. In every marriage both spouses often repeatedly act sinfully towards one another (even in the best marriages), and those marriages succeed because there is forgiveness. Too often we categorize sin into separate buckets i.e. that which is to be tolerated and that which is unacceptable; however, before God all sin is unacceptable and all unrepentant sin will damage a marriage (not just adultery).

Mary,

I truly do understand the hurt and betrayal you have felt because my ex-wife was involved in a whole series of affairs over the coarse of about six months and ultimately chose to divorce, leaving me and our children to peruse an adulterous relationship; I really don't understand how anyone can choose to hurt their family so badly. However, I do believe that had she chosen to repent, that our marriage could have been restored despite the multiple affairs because I have seen other marriages restored that have faced even grater difficulties than ours did. In one case, after almost two decades their marriage is still strong and vibrant and neither regrets the choice they made to stick it out when everything seemed hopeless. We have no guarantees that our marriages will be restored because God always give our spouses the freedom to choose sin, but I truly believe the potential for restoration is there most of the time.

Biblically we have the example of Hosea and Gomar that clearly involved multiple affairs continuing for decades, and yet God restored their marriage when Gomar finally was willing to truly repent. Clearly Hosea did not tolerate or ignore Gomar's sinful choices, but he was willing to forgive and show love towards her in spite of her rebellion (even when she didn't see it). We must remember that God can and often does work miracles in the marriages of those who do choose to trust him, and we need to make sure we don't loose site of that.



TMeeks -> RE: How do I put adultery in the past?? (2/9/2008 10:33:49 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: mary0965

TMeeks - I agree totally with you! It's like I have forgiven my husband but I still want him to see how much he has hurt me so he doesn't forget the pain that he has caused and he will never do what he has done again but I know that is so totally wrong. I feel that if I get on with my life - he will think - I guess it didn't bother her that much - I can do it again - I also know this is wrong and it is just Satan putting all these thoughts into my head. I want to get on with my life and I am trying real hard - sometimes I feel I might be doing damage with my relationship with my husband because of the ups and downs that I have and that scares me! You think it would scare me enough to stop because I know that we can have a beautiful marriage and we are heading down that path but sometimes I feel we can't communicate much when we are out together and it's mostly me because of my "moods" - any advice?

Mary,

I don't know if I have any advice. But, I do have an observation that I hope will be helpful. Negative memories seem to be a lot more powerful than positive memories. So, I don't doubt that anyone going through what you are going through wouldn't naturally continually be reminded of the pain. In fact, you can read it over and over in these forums. So, don't beat up on yourself too much for having those feelings.

But, at least consider this question. If you could sit down with Jesus Christ and ask Him, what do you think would be heaviest on His mind? Would it be your marriage? Or, would it be your total commitment to Him and your husband's total commitment to Him? I've come to believe that it is the latter. Jesus wants your husband's entire life and He wants your entire life. Your marriage, no matter how it ultimately turns out, is secondary. It's a by product.

When prayers are focused on a marriage, it's possible that it might be rooted in one's selfish need for feeling loved. It might actually mask the fact that a partner, especially one that calls themselves a believer, had first to completely reject God's direct command in order to commit adultery. And, that person had to set someone else up as a 'god' above God in their life. Jesus was rejected, too.

When a person comes to see Jesus Christ in all His Glory and the magnitude of the Father in all His Glory, their hearts drive them to absolutely begin to realign their life in complete obedience to Jesus. For men, that ultimately ends in a new commitment to love their wives in obedience to God. Again, that is a byproduct of a pure heart toward God. Both God and the wife win.

If your husband begins to love God with all his heart, he cannot help but understand the hurt he did to you. You won't have to let him know. Jesus will.

So, join me in praying this for you and your husband.

Father, you love us so and you want us to love you with all our hearts and with all our might and all our strength. So, we pray that you will move in Mary's life so that this becomes absolutely true of her life and we also pray for Mary's husband that you will move in his life so that he will love you with all his heart, all his might and all his strength. Bring both Mary and her husband into the very center of your will for each of them and both of them and keep them there each and every day.

May the idea of rejecting you or disobeying you so fill them with sadness that they instantly recognize it when it happens and repent immediately... turning once again toward you in deepest love and joy.

Mary, maybe Jesus and the Holy Spirit would welcome your ministering them for the hurt that THEY felt, through every single second of that affair. Can you imagine their pain? Could it be that they would feel real joy that you, too, agreed that the greatest need that your husband has is to love them enormously? [:)]



RepentanceIsRequired -> RE: How do I put adultery in the past?? (2/10/2008 9:06:52 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: benelchi
For those marriages that I know of where there was genuine repentance and where both spouses were committed to their marriage, I have seen almost all come out on the other side of an affair much stronger. It does take time, much longer than most people realize, but healing can really happen. For those marriages that do make it, I think the keys are:

1) Genuine repentance by the spouse who was involved in the affair, and acceptance for the responsibility for that failure i.e no blaming the other spouse for the affair.

2) Genuine forgiveness by the spouse who was betrayed i.e. no using the affair to get the upper hand.

3) A willingness to work on all issues facing the marriage by both spouses, even those unrelated to the affair.

4) A willingness to graciously accept new boundaries to protect the marriage from any further betrayal.

Above all, make sure to include God in your marriage; pray and rely on him for your strength.


You have stated this very well. It has taken a year so far for my husband and I, and we are still working on some key underlying issues. For us the biggest thing is after repentance, we must let it go for what do you gain by reliving memories or dredging up old feelings? My hubby likes to call it water under the bridge. I like to call it the past. Leave it there and work on securing a healthy present for a strong future.



mary0965 -> RE: How do I put adultery in the past?? (2/11/2008 8:24:17 AM)

After reading some more of these messages, I really feel that I haven't truly forgiven my husband and that is why I feel that I am struggling and thinking negative thoughts. I told him that I forgave him in front of our mentor couple but it was in the beginning - I think too soon for me - but I did it anyways because I knew that is what God wanted me to do was to forgive him but I don't think I truly ever have. We got into an argument this weekend about feelings and me being "distant" and "quiet" and he is always asking what is wrong and I say "nothing, I'm fine" when really I am being eat'n up inside with anger, bitterness, sadness, etc. I just realized that I am not letting go of the past and all it is doing is hurting our marriage more. I just want to have a "normal" day again and I can only do that by moving on and truly forgiving him and by not looking back and always wondering when the next "blow" is coming - when, stupid me, there has not been anything for 9 months and look at the time I have wasted!



RepentanceIsRequired -> RE: How do I put adultery in the past?? (2/11/2008 8:51:22 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: mary0965

After reading some more of these messages, I really feel that I haven't truly forgiven my husband and that is why I feel that I am struggling and thinking negative thoughts. I told him that I forgave him in front of our mentor couple but it was in the beginning - I think too soon for me - but I did it anyways because I knew that is what God wanted me to do was to forgive him but I don't think I truly ever have. ... I just want to have a "normal" day again and I can only do that by moving on and truly forgiving him and by not looking back and always wondering when the next "blow" is coming - when, stupid me, there has not been anything for 9 months and look at the time I have wasted!


To say you forgive with your mouth is one thing, but to say you forgive in your heart is much different, and much more difficult. As you stated, this healing can only come from your heart when you decide to let go of those feelings. Keep skepticism out of your heart. Your husband has to rebuild the trust in your marriage and this will be evident in his actions. Please don't be thinking about that next "blow" as it only causes worry and worry can only fester and ware on the soul.



TMeeks -> RE: How do I put adultery in the past?? (2/11/2008 11:35:54 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: mary0965

After reading some more of these messages, I really feel that I haven't truly forgiven my husband and that is why I feel that I am struggling and thinking negative thoughts. I told him that I forgave him in front of our mentor couple but it was in the beginning - I think too soon for me - but I did it anyways because I knew that is what God wanted me to do was to forgive him but I don't think I truly ever have. We got into an argument this weekend about feelings and me being "distant" and "quiet" and he is always asking what is wrong and I say "nothing, I'm fine" when really I am being eat'n up inside with anger, bitterness, sadness, etc. I just realized that I am not letting go of the past and all it is doing is hurting our marriage more. I just want to have a "normal" day again and I can only do that by moving on and truly forgiving him and by not looking back and always wondering when the next "blow" is coming - when, stupid me, there has not been anything for 9 months and look at the time I have wasted!

My brother loved gumdrops as a child. After years of eating gumdrops and loving them, he ate too much and got sick. Now he HATES gumdrops. He can't even look at one without feeling sick.

That tells me that negative memories have FAR more sticking power than positive memories. That's just the way we are made as fallen creatures. Every one of those memories are real physical locations and connections in your brain begging for you to pay attention to them. As daily events route your thoughts through these negative connections, they are just going to bubble up into our consciousness. It's the way our brains work!

Our choices, as these thoughts come back, determine how much power they have on new choices... which is what you are talking about. May I suggest that you choose to (1) pray that God will put you right in the center of His will every single moment and (2) neutralize these negative thoughts with thanksgiving for the ultimate power of God's forgiveneness! When sadness hits you from out fo the blue, say (OUT LOUD) something like, "Praise you lord that you are ALWAYS faithful!"

We have to recognize that 'letting go' is more than simply saying that we have done it. Our brains organization and propensity for associations... with a bias toward the negative... make it apparent that we must come up with a deliberate plan for dealing with these thoughts BEFORE they come up so that we can POUNCE on them and squelch them immediately. Over time they will completely lose their power.

You might deliberately pick out some verses that you can always use in response as the negative thoughts bubble up. [:)]



mary0965 -> RE: How do I put adultery in the past?? (2/11/2008 12:12:56 PM)

quote:

To say you forgive with your mouth is one thing, but to say you forgive in your heart is much different, and much more difficult. As you stated, this healing can only come from your heart when you decide to let go of those feelings. Keep skepticism out of your heart. Your husband has to rebuild the trust in your marriage and this will be evident in his actions. Please don't be thinking about that next "blow" as it only causes worry and worry can only fester and ware on the soul.


Yes, I am understanding this now more and more and I am starting to come to the realization of this as well. I have just had an awakening today after me and my husband had a "discussion" last night. My husband has rebuilt trust and he has been wonderful - it's not him that is the problem anymore it has been me and my dilusional thinking habits. Yes, this is where I am now - I am so tired of worry and only I can change that! So, as of today I will be forgiving him completely in my heart and telling him that, looking ahead instead of behind and loving the wonderful husband I now have



mary0965 -> RE: How do I put adultery in the past?? (2/11/2008 12:23:37 PM)

quote:

Our choices, as these thoughts come back, determine how much power they have on new choices... which is what you are talking about. May I suggest that you choose to (1) pray that God will put you right in the center of His will every single moment and (2) neutralize these negative thoughts with thanksgiving for the ultimate power of God's forgiveneness! When sadness hits you from out fo the blue, say (OUT LOUD) something like, "Praise you lord that you are ALWAYS faithful!"

We have to recognize that 'letting go' is more than simply saying that we have done it. Our brains organization and propensity for associations... with a bias toward the negative... make it apparent that we must come up with a deliberate plan for dealing with these thoughts BEFORE they come up so that we can POUNCE on them and squelch them immediately. Over time they will completely lose their power.

You might deliberately pick out some verses that you can always use in response as the negative thoughts bubble up.


Exactly, and this is what my husband was trying to tell me - that I have a choice - I can choose to think good thoughts and I can choose to think bad thoughts and he is right. He made the comment that if he was doing something wrong or gave me a reason to have these feelings then he could understand but as much as he has shown me lately how devoted he is to me and how much he loves me - it shouldn't be an issue" - he is right again - it's my thinking patterns and those have to change! I realize that letting go is more than just saying so and even doing it - it's sometimes harder than that but when your smacked into the face with it - it's kind of like a wake up call and you get this "ahh - I got it" like a light bulb goes on. For our marriage and our love for each other, I have to get rid of these "thoughts". I have sinned, my husband has sinned, we all have sinned but is this what God wants for us - to dwell in our sorrows - No, absolutely not! God has a much bigger plan for us, for me, and our marriages and guess what? The lightbulb is going on again!! Time to move on with our lives everyone!! If we have our husbands hold tight, put God in the center, and move forward and get ready for the ride!



TMeeks -> RE: How do I put adultery in the past?? (2/11/2008 1:53:00 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: mary0965

quote:

Our choices, as these thoughts come back, determine how much power they have on new choices... which is what you are talking about. May I suggest that you choose to (1) pray that God will put you right in the center of His will every single moment and (2) neutralize these negative thoughts with thanksgiving for the ultimate power of God's forgiveneness! When sadness hits you from out fo the blue, say (OUT LOUD) something like, "Praise you lord that you are ALWAYS faithful!"

We have to recognize that 'letting go' is more than simply saying that we have done it. Our brains organization and propensity for associations... with a bias toward the negative... make it apparent that we must come up with a deliberate plan for dealing with these thoughts BEFORE they come up so that we can POUNCE on them and squelch them immediately. Over time they will completely lose their power.

You might deliberately pick out some verses that you can always use in response as the negative thoughts bubble up.


Exactly, and this is what my husband was trying to tell me - that I have a choice - I can choose to think good thoughts and I can choose to think bad thoughts and he is right. He made the comment that if he was doing something wrong or gave me a reason to have these feelings then he could understand but as much as he has shown me lately how devoted he is to me and how much he loves me - it shouldn't be an issue" - he is right again - it's my thinking patterns and those have to change! I realize that letting go is more than just saying so and even doing it - it's sometimes harder than that but when your smacked into the face with it - it's kind of like a wake up call and you get this "ahh - I got it" like a light bulb goes on. For our marriage and our love for each other, I have to get rid of these "thoughts". I have sinned, my husband has sinned, we all have sinned but is this what God wants for us - to dwell in our sorrows - No, absolutely not! God has a much bigger plan for us, for me, and our marriages and guess what? The lightbulb is going on again!! Time to move on with our lives everyone!! If we have our husbands hold tight, put God in the center, and move forward and get ready for the ride!

Sin, for a Christian, is like dirt. It washes off. It's not an indelible stain. And, it's an EXTERNAL thing. It's NOT WHO we are. It may have been on us yesterday. But, that doesn't mean it's on us today. We might remember it WAS there. But, that doesn't mean it's STILL there. Yesterday was yesterday... today is today. They are very, very different points in time. Yesterday... no matter WHAT happened... is gone. It can't be entirely undone. It can only be cleansed, erased and considered as a relic of litter in the past.

Mary, next time you are the grocery store, pick up a "Tide ToGo" pen. I wear a lot of white shirts and my shape means that if something I'm eating falls, it's NOT going to fall on the floor. It's going to fall on my shirt. So, my nicely cleaned and starched white shirt often ends up with a glaring stain on it.

It used to be that I was stuck wearing that stain all day at work. And, if left on there long enough I might be wearing it forever. [:D] But, these days, keep a Tide ToGo pen in my desk, ready to attack any stain to pops up. I simply take out the Tide ToGo pen, apply the pen to the stain and in a few minutes that stain is history. It's gone. I still can REMEMBER that the shirt had a stain. But, I know longer see it. Every time I use it, it reminds me of the cleansing power of Jesus Christ in my life and the lives of those that might have hurt me.

Try it and see if the Tide ToGo pen isn't a helpful reminder to have God's redemptive Word ready when those accusations against your husband bubble up and stain your day. [:)]



RepentanceIsRequired -> RE: How do I put adultery in the past?? (2/11/2008 1:56:41 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: TMeeks
...(1) pray that God will put you right in the center of His will every single moment and (2) neutralize these negative thoughts with thanksgiving for the ultimate power of God's forgiveneness! When sadness hits you from out fo the blue, say (OUT LOUD) something like, "Praise you lord that you are ALWAYS faithful!"

You might deliberately pick out some verses that you can always use in response as the negative thoughts bubble up. [:)]


Mary, this is an excellent suggestion that TMeeks offered. Find something that will help squelch those negative thoughts as soon as they come to your head/heart. For me, I had two things. All day I would contantly say, "Jesus I trust in you" (came from a painting by St. Maria Faustina) and the other was to say the Apostles' creed. I really liked that one because of the first line, "I believe in God, the Father almighty, Creator of heaven and earth." WOW, what power those words have in my life, to believe in Him who revealed my sin in my marriage and then brought healing to my marriage.



mary0965 -> RE: How do I put adultery in the past?? (2/11/2008 3:05:52 PM)

Yes, it definately helps to have a visual as a reminder - sometimes I feel like even posting things around the house or my work that says "Stop It" just so I can remind myself to stop - I have to start taking control and I have the power in God to help me do that (and this website [:)] I will pick up my "pen" !! I listen to a lot of Joyce Meyer and I got her tape (Where the mind goes the man follows) and it talks about setting your mind on where it should be and fall on God to help you through - it's really good and I am starting to see a lot about the power of the mind and attacks from Satan. At home if I start - I try to do housework or something to keep my mind off of it but my husband wants me to sit and "cuddle" with him and "spend time together" - which I love and I am grateful that he wants to but then sometimes my mind starts to "wander" and I just want to get up - but I am going to from this point forward think nothing but positive thoughts!



TMeeks -> RE: How do I put adultery in the past?? (2/11/2008 4:14:16 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: mary0965

Yes, it definately helps to have a visual as a reminder - sometimes I feel like even posting things around the house or my work that says "Stop It" just so I can remind myself to stop - I have to start taking control and I have the power in God to help me do that (and this website [:)] I will pick up my "pen" !! I listen to a lot of Joyce Meyer and I got her tape (Where the mind goes the man follows) and it talks about setting your mind on where it should be and fall on God to help you through - it's really good and I am starting to see a lot about the power of the mind and attacks from Satan. At home if I start - I try to do housework or something to keep my mind off of it but my husband wants me to sit and "cuddle" with him and "spend time together" - which I love and I am grateful that he wants to but then sometimes my mind starts to "wander" and I just want to get up - but I am going to from this point forward think nothing but positive thoughts!

For what it's worth, here is an observation. Illicite lovers don't have distractions. They are ALWAYS completely focused on each other because the time together has been 'carved out' of their day.

Married people have lots of distractions because we know there is a lot that has to be done to run a household.

So, we can actually see time together as getting in the way of the other stuff.

I'm sure that you feel that you know all there is to know about your husband. But, I wonder if your 'cuddle time' could be used to learn more about his dreams, his family or his grade school friends... and, if you might share similar thoughts with him. Find ways to be a Mary, not a Martha... and, don't assume that you know so much about him that there is nothing left to learn. [:)]



mary0965 -> RE: How do I put adultery in the past?? (2/12/2008 7:51:07 AM)

quote:

I'm sure that you feel that you know all there is to know about your husband. But, I wonder if your 'cuddle time' could be used to learn more about his dreams, his family or his grade school friends... and, if you might share similar thoughts with him. Find ways to be a Mary, not a Martha... and, don't assume that you know so much about him that there is nothing left to learn.

Yes, this is good too - we always have a lot to learn about each other - this is where I struggle because of my upbringing - I was never close to my parents or my siblings - there was NEVER an I love you or a hug as I was growing up so it has been hard for me to show love or have conversations - I really struggle in this area - I have gotten better over the years. We don't "talk" like I would like - he is not an outgoing person - he is kind of reserved but I guess you got to start somewhere - good advice.



TMeeks -> RE: How do I put adultery in the past?? (2/12/2008 8:45:01 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: mary0965

quote:

I'm sure that you feel that you know all there is to know about your husband. But, I wonder if your 'cuddle time' could be used to learn more about his dreams, his family or his grade school friends... and, if you might share similar thoughts with him. Find ways to be a Mary, not a Martha... and, don't assume that you know so much about him that there is nothing left to learn.

Yes, this is good too - we always have a lot to learn about each other - this is where I struggle because of my upbringing - I was never close to my parents or my siblings - there was NEVER an I love you or a hug as I was growing up so it has been hard for me to show love or have conversations - I really struggle in this area - I have gotten better over the years. We don't "talk" like I would like - he is not an outgoing person - he is kind of reserved but I guess you got to start somewhere - good advice.

There is a wonderful little secret in the book of James that briefly mentions how the tongue is like the rudder of a ship. Just as the small rudder turns a big ship, so our tongues turn us. So, as we vocalize negative things, our whole attitude and physical presence (body language) also turns negative. But, as we vocalize positive things our whole being begins to be turned in a positive direction. But, remember, a ship has momentum and doesn't respond instantly. So, don't be discouraged if your 'feelings' don't line up with your speech right away.

So, how can we use this in a practical way?

First, choose to use your tongue... meaning speak words OUT LOUD. There is something about speaking out loud that drives the words into your consciousness. Start by doing this alone, because you are going to feel self-concious. Look for verses in the Scriptures that apply to wives (men look to verses that apply to husbands) because it is YOU that you will be changing by speaking out loud. (By the way, searching for 'wife' as well as 'wives' will yeild a richer result in terms of verses to use.)

Now, say to yourself, again out loud, that you agree with those verses and that you affirm those verses toward your own husband. Over a short period of time, I believe that you will begin to see that your feelings will follow your words in a remarkable way.

But, you don't have to stop at just these verses. You have spotted some things in your upbringing that make it difficult to say things like, "I love you". So, why not turn that ship around! When you are alone, why not declare, "I dearly love (spouses name)" and other words of love and encourage. Before long, because the Bible is absolutely true, you will see that your tongue HAS turned you around in this regard.

As you said. You have to start somewhere! [:)]

Note to all: NEVER let a child say out loud, "I HATE YOU" and never say those words out loud to your spouse or parents. As a teacher, my experience was that all children briefly THINK such things without them becoming firmly cemented in their psyche. But, those who repeated them out loud really began to distance themselves from any kind of parental authority. Read James.



mary0965 -> RE: How do I put adultery in the past?? (2/12/2008 9:24:03 AM)

quote:

There is a wonderful little secret in the book of James that briefly mentions how the tongue is like the rudder of a ship. Just as the small rudder turns a big ship, so our tongues turn us. So, as we vocalize negative things, our whole attitude and physical presence (body language) also turns negative. But, as we vocalize positive things our whole being begins to be turned in a positive direction. But, remember, a ship has momentum and doesn't respond instantly. So, don't be discouraged if your 'feelings' don't line up with your speech right away.

So, how can we use this in a practical way?

First, choose to use your tongue... meaning speak words OUT LOUD. There is something about speaking out loud that drives the words into your consciousness. Start by doing this alone, because you are going to feel self-concious. Look for verses in the Scriptures that apply to wives (men look to verses that apply to husbands) because it is YOU that you will be changing by speaking out loud. (By the way, searching for 'wife' as well as 'wives' will yeild a richer result in terms of verses to use.)

Now, say to yourself, again out loud, that you agree with those verses and that you affirm those verses toward your own husband. Over a short period of time, I believe that you will begin to see that your feelings will follow your words in a remarkable way.

But, you don't have to stop at just these verses. You have spotted some things in your upbringing that make it difficult to say things like, "I love you". So, why not turn that ship around! When you are alone, why not declare, "I dearly love (spouses name)" and other words of love and encourage. Before long, because the Bible is absolutely true, you will see that your tongue HAS turned you around in this regard.

As you said. You have to start somewhere!


Again, good advice - It's not that I have a hard time saying "I love you " - I don't - I vowed that my kids would never go without that nor my husband - I have told him more now than ever and added things and told him how great he has been, etc. It's the "conversation" part that is not there but I also think that has to do with my upbringing - we never had it when we were young and I am trying to learn it and be "intimate" with him without having a guard up - I guess also what I have thought through all of this is that my husband didn't love me that's why he had the affair but that was a lie that Satan was putting this into my head and that also I think stemmed from my upbringing. I have learned a lot about myself through all of this and it has made me take a long hard look at myself and I think all of us as hurt spouses need to do that.

I do need to get back to reading the bible more - I mean when this was going on I was buried in it - now I read devotionals, tapes, and listen to songs but I need to be more in the word - reading James seems like a good start!

Why do we feel so down all the time and can't seem to get our minds in the right direction - do you feel it is Satan that has a stronghold?



iwillfearnoevil -> RE: How do I put adultery in the past?? (2/12/2008 9:35:38 AM)

mary - you mentioned struggling with conversation ... are there any joint activities you two do together? i know with work, kids, etc time is short. do you guys have any alone one-on-one time and i don't feel watching tv together counts. the reason i bring this up is that by doing things together in common interests will naturally lead to "conversation". also recreational companionship is possibly an important emotional need for your husband (it typically ranks high for men) and will help affair-proof your marriage. if you do have one-on-one time, is it more than just a couple hours a week? here is a link to marriagebuilder's recreational companionship summary: http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3320_rec.html
this can also help you feel closer to him and possibly help with the intimacy issues...



mary0965 -> RE: How do I put adultery in the past?? (2/12/2008 10:01:55 AM)

Yes, we do alot together actually, in the summer and fall we love to go hiking and stay in cabins for weekends, we play tennis together, and just love being in the outdoors. I think this is some of the issues and why it is taking me a long time to get over it is because we are in our cold weather season and we both feel cooped up and not being able to get outside and do things so we watch tv or movies or play Wii with our daughter. We have recently put back up our ping pong table and have started playing. The one on one time we don't have that much as we would like - we try to do a "date" night once a week or at least twice a month that contains dinner and a move but recently we feel as we need to spend time with our daughtet (last in the house who is 13) - sometimes we feel that we are neglecting her because we have been paying so much attention to "each other" We both know that alone time is important and we try to get as much as we can. Our favorite time together is just hiking in the woods and looking at God's creation - we always stop to pray somewhere in the middle. It's a place we both feel "alive" and I feel free - because it's like a 2 - 1/2 hour drive from where we live and I feel like I am just "getting away from it all" - here I start to be myself again but $$ and time permits us from doing it now plus all the cold weather and snow.



iwillfearnoevil -> RE: How do I put adultery in the past?? (2/12/2008 10:24:46 AM)

that's awesome - keep it up! your daughter will benefit from a healthy happy marriage. personally i know it seems like a fine line about ignoring - especially if she is only child in the house. there's a download at the bottom of the page at this link
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi4505_rei.html that gives lots of activities - you might be able to find some winter ones you both enjoy. i think this "Recreational Enjoyment Inventory" is good for all couples who feel stuck in a rut like they don't do anything like they used to.



mary0965 -> RE: How do I put adultery in the past?? (2/12/2008 10:32:03 AM)

He is also helping me with Scuba Diving Lessons - everyone in our family but me is certified so now it's my turn - he has wanted me to so we could dive together - this is my 2nd week in lessons and he is going with me. We are very active people and enjoy almost everything together - except he doesn't like bowling much but will do it for me - I think it's because it's the one thing I can beat him at - so now I have learned to let him get close to beating me or even beating me just so he has something to enjoy!! :) We have a long weekend coming up that we both decided to take an extra day off but we can't seem to find something to do - we have since done a budget "together" so we feel comfortable and we know where the money is going - I used to "control" this mostly until all this happened and we decided to do it together - so we look at it weekly and write down receipts and monthly - we don't have it budgeted this month because of my lessons - we both would love to get away for the night and stay in a hotel - I told him scrap the budget for the month - we both need it!!



TMeeks -> RE: How do I put adultery in the past?? (2/12/2008 10:37:32 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: mary0965
Why do we feel so down all the time and can't seem to get our minds in the right direction - do you feel it is Satan that has a stronghold?

No I don't. I think it's the way our brains work. That's all.

When the Bible talks about our 'flesh', it's really talking about how our fallen and selfish brains think on their own. There are even chemicals involved in painful memories and thoughts. And, consciously or unconsciously, every event around us retrieves associative memories whether we like it or not. [:)]

But, I'm convinced that the Bible clearly tells us that we can take our brain's thoughts captive so that we either neutralize painful memories by the Word of God or bypass them with new associations.

But, PLEASE don't forget that the Bible was so insightful in using a SHIP and RUDDER in explaining how the turnaround works. Everyone knows that a mighty ship has plenty of momentum. It doesn't turn on a dime. It slowly; but, surely turns in a wide radius as the rudder is turned. To me, that is God saying, "Mary, just be patient. You've turned the rudder, I'm bringing your ship around. Soon, both you and your husband will be going in a whole new direction!" [:)]

From here, you certainly seem to be doing all the right things. [:)]

It has been such a wonderful experience to see how you have decided to not only struggle; but, to THRIVE in the recovery of your marriage. Remember, keep it simple... and repeat out loud... Lord today and every day I want to be in the Center of Your Will. And, I agree with You in wanting (list every family member by name) to be in the Center of Your Will.



RepentanceIsRequired -> RE: How do I put adultery in the past?? (2/12/2008 12:01:23 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: TMeeks
It has been such a wonderful experience to see how you have decided to not only struggle; but, to THRIVE in the recovery of your marriage. Remember, keep it simple... and repeat out loud... Lord today and every day I want to be in the Center of Your Will. And, I agree with You in wanting (list every family member by name) to be in the Center of Your Will.


AMEN!!



mary0965 -> RE: How do I put adultery in the past?? (2/12/2008 12:07:59 PM)

quote:

But, PLEASE don't forget that the Bible was so insightful in using a SHIP and RUDDER in explaining how the turnaround works. Everyone knows that a mighty ship has plenty of momentum. It doesn't turn on a dime. It slowly; but, surely turns in a wide radius as the rudder is turned. To me, that is God saying, "Mary, just be patient. You've turned the rudder, I'm bringing your ship around. Soon, both you and your husband will be going in a whole new direction!"

From here, you certainly seem to be doing all the right things.


Yes, and I think this is going to be the hardest to over come is our thought process. As a person you just want it to happen now and happen quickly - but it's on God's timing. My husband prays for patience with me - so I too know that it stresses him out but I always say to myself "well, if you didn't do this in the first place we wouldn't be in this perdicament now would we" but I know we are better people for it and I have to move forward and I guess that will take the time - some books I have read say even 2 years - I have a goal to break that and want to do it sooner than what the "statistics" say. I know what I did wrong in my marriage - we discussed it and it was the lack of respect and not showing him love - which I was at fault and after14 years he just thought I didn't care - I have grown and God has shown me every step of the way and I am a changed person because of that - I hold the upmost respect for him now and show him so much love I feel I am drowning him :) - he loves it though and comments from time to time about how God has really worked in my life



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