RE: How do I put adultery in the past?? (Full Version)

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RepentanceIsRequired -> RE: How do I put adultery in the past?? (2/12/2008 12:26:57 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: mary0965
I hold the upmost respect for him now and show him so much love I feel I am drowning him :) - he loves it though and comments from time to time about how God has really worked in my life


Hold on to that love and affection that he gives you Mary! I did not believe my husband when he would tell me he loved me and then I sought it in another man who knew just the "right" words to say to me. But now, WOW!, I can't believe what I had missed when I was so blind because of the sin I was living in.



RepentanceIsRequired -> RE: How do I put adultery in the past?? (2/12/2008 12:41:49 PM)

And like TMeeks said, stay focused on God and be immersed in His will. Let Him direct your heart (guide your ship) in your marriage. I like to think of the verse in Hebrews

"Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles, and let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us."

It has been a year that we have been working on healing our marriage. There are still a few issues that we continue to work on, but we do it TOGETHER. Through much prayer, perseverance, and relying fully on God we are beginning to receive His blessings.



mary0965 -> RE: How do I put adultery in the past?? (2/12/2008 1:09:45 PM)

Despite what happened, I do have a great husband - he is very loving and affectionate and not afraid to show it in public or anywhere - doesn't look at porn - reads his bible every day, is always there for us - he is very ashamed still fo what he did and just doesn't want to talk about it anymore. So, for our marriage sake and to have a great and wonderful marriage, I am taking the advice herein - my only questions is after 9 months of him not doing anything - or me finding anything - do I stop "snooping" and checking voicemails?



iwillfearnoevil -> RE: How do I put adultery in the past?? (2/12/2008 2:04:49 PM)

i don't think snoop is a good word to use. there are consequences to our actions and there are very few things a wayward spouse can offer their betrayed spouse: no contact with offending other woman/man and transparency in schedule/email/voicemail. the question is how often do you check it now and does your husband know?



mary0965 -> RE: How do I put adultery in the past?? (2/12/2008 2:05:51 PM)

Here is another obstacle to overcome - why when my husband calls me and tell me he has to run an errand for work do I always sense that there is something else going on - after 9 months of nothing - I can't seem to overcome this - it's the first thing that popped into my head - is "is he going to meet her" "is he going to contact her" - yes, we go back to the thinking pattern but this I didn't think about it just pops in so quickly! Then I leave him a message at work and check to see what time he gets back to see if he was gone for a long period of time - sure, just call my psycho! :) - I am taking what you said earlier and starting my journey to overcome these thoughts



mary0965 -> RE: How do I put adultery in the past?? (2/12/2008 2:07:11 PM)

I check it everyday and often - and no he doesn't know only one time when I told him that I did - I know I shouldn't deep down but it's another one of those obsessions of not knowing and seeing "if I can find anything"



mary0965 -> RE: How do I put adultery in the past?? (2/12/2008 2:53:18 PM)

Then I call back and check his voicemail and he is back in 20 minutes - now how stupid am I to believe something is going on - these are just some of the issues I deal with on a day to day basis



iwillfearnoevil -> RE: How do I put adultery in the past?? (2/12/2008 3:00:23 PM)

you are not stupid mary ... remember healing does not happen overnight ... and a lot of it is a battle in your mind as others have been pointing out. you can overcome this fear!



Godsgirrl -> RE: How do I put adultery in the past?? (2/14/2008 12:31:00 PM)

Hurtinginlove-

I am going to post a message about my life long struggle with "love addiction". This is VERY real and VERY difficult. My situation may be different from your marriage...but I seemed to have it all too. Lived in a dream resort community, great house, kids, dog, business. Still, I wasn't happy because the "passion" was gone.

I am a Christian but TWO times I fell away from God and I had an affair. I just ended the last one two weeks ago. Although I was the one to confess, what you're wife describes as what she was looking for was perhaps a lack of intimacy and issues that she has carried from her childhood.

For me, I didn't connect with my parents at all. No mother / daughter bond, couldn't share my feelings with dad or brothers. I carried this into every long term relationship I had. I found men to love me because I NEEDED to be cared about and taken care of. When my husband started to push away and we stopped talking intimately, I was easy pickens for similar needy guys. The last guy and I were drawn to eachother like magnets. I have NEVER been alone since the age of 16. I have been married 9 years and I'm 31 years old.

My love addiction (the need to fill the void in my heart that only God could fill) caused me to sabotage my relationship with my husband. I pulled away without even realizing it. It was near impossible for me to leave this guy...in fact, it was obsessive compulsive on both ends. He would say he wanted to get back to God and only be friends (which will never work) but he would always seduce again. It turns out he was a sex addict! I had to turn him into the LDS church (yes, he was a mormon!!) and they excommunicated him. But now my husband struggles with forgiveness, and I know that this is a long hard road for me to fully gain his trust.

I say all this because it wasn't until I realized that I had an addiction problem...that I could change my life. Most affairs I assume result from past traumas being carried into each new relationship. I don't know if this is the issue with you're wife, I just know that there is a deeper issue involved. In NO WAY did I start an affair because my husband wasn't man enough, or handsome enough. It was because of my issues that I have carried with me since childhood. Just pray, pray, pray. Ask her some questions about her childhood. Is she just searching to be understood, attention? A woman happy in her marriage would not step out on her husband. In our case, my husband and I stopped going to church!! We were not connecting at all. We were too busy. You need to get to the root problem here. I'm really pushing this love addiction thing because I feel that I have a testimony to teach this to people who have sexual or morral problems. I went to a week long workshop in Arizona which is based on the 12 steps. Now if its possible that she has deep rooted issues such as I...she WILL do it again the moment she gets needy. An affair isn't the problem, its a SYMPTOM of the problem. Counseling is a must. After my first affair, my husband refused counseling, and we buried it all. He would bring it up during arguments and further pushed away because of anger.

If you need to communicate further about this send a message. I'm interested in what her root problems are because I feel that I could be of help.

God Bless!



TMeeks -> RE: How do I put adultery in the past?? (2/14/2008 1:44:33 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: mary0965

Despite what happened, I do have a great husband - he is very loving and affectionate and not afraid to show it in public or anywhere - doesn't look at porn - reads his bible every day, is always there for us - he is very ashamed still fo what he did and just doesn't want to talk about it anymore. So, for our marriage sake and to have a great and wonderful marriage, I am taking the advice herein - my only questions is after 9 months of him not doing anything - or me finding anything - do I stop "snooping" and checking voicemails?

Mary,

I agree that SNOOPING is NOT the right description for what you are doing. Enforcing BOUNDARIES and giving him opportunites to prove trustworthiness is, perhaps, a better description. Trust has to be earned and that can only come about by at least SOME level of verification.

There are only two things that I might offer as a word of caution. (1) If you still feel this need a year from now, then it might be more obsessive than helpful. [:)] And, (2) you must realize that GETTING a call is not the same as REQUESTING a call or ENCOURAGING a call. The woman with whom he had the affair was in an addictive relationship and her continued addiction (if it exists) has absolutely NOTHING to do with his own. So, even if he gets a message from her do not hold that against him until he has a real chance to tell you his side of the story. It's not getting the call that counts. It's calling them BACK that is the real concern.

Now.. back to that 'snooping' issue and why your checking might actually be good for him.

When I was a teacher, there was a student that complained to me that a particular teacher was always 'picking on him' for talking when everyone else was talking. But, I knew exactly what was going on. No matter which other of his classmates were talking, he chimed in. So, the teacher got into the habit of turning around and looking straight at him whenever the students started talking. She could ALWAYS count on catching him.

So, my advice to him was when the others in the class started talking, he should pay special attention to NOT talk. The teacher would turn around, look at him (as was her habit) and then be forced to find another culprit. It wasn't long before the teacher found ANOTHER student to look at first... and, the number of times of his being caught was dramatically lowered. [:D]

One by one, as you turn around and look for those signs of repeat infidelity without finding them, they will fall off your radar in the same way you experience now. So, using this example, be patient with yourself and rejoice every time you turn around and find it isn't your husband that's doing the talking!!! Over time you should feel less and less need to look as his trustworthiness is demonstrated time and time again. [:)]



TMeeks -> RE: How do I put adultery in the past?? (2/14/2008 2:09:57 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: skigirl

Hurtinginlove-

I am going to post a message about my life long struggle with "love addiction". This is VERY real and VERY difficult. My situation may be different from your marriage...but I seemed to have it all too. Lived in a dream resort community, great house, kids, dog, business. Still, I wasn't happy because the "passion" was gone.

I am a Christian but TWO times I fell away from God and I had an affair. I just ended the last one two weeks ago. Although I was the one to confess, what you're wife describes as what she was looking for was perhaps a lack of intimacy and issues that she has carried from her childhood.

For me, I didn't connect with my parents at all. No mother / daughter bond, couldn't share my feelings with dad or brothers. I carried this into every long term relationship I had. I found men to love me because I NEEDED to be cared about and taken care of. When my husband started to push away and we stopped talking intimately, I was easy pickens for similar needy guys. The last guy and I were drawn to eachother like magnets. I have NEVER been alone since the age of 16. I have been married 9 years and I'm 31 years old.

My love addiction (the need to fill the void in my heart that only God could fill) caused me to sabotage my relationship with my husband. I pulled away without even realizing it. It was near impossible for me to leave this guy...in fact, it was obsessive compulsive on both ends. He would say he wanted to get back to God and only be friends (which will never work) but he would always seduce again. It turns out he was a sex addict! I had to turn him into the LDS church (yes, he was a mormon!!) and they excommunicated him. But now my husband struggles with forgiveness, and I know that this is a long hard road for me to fully gain his trust.

I say all this because it wasn't until I realized that I had an addiction problem...that I could change my life. Most affairs I assume result from past traumas being carried into each new relationship. I don't know if this is the issue with you're wife, I just know that there is a deeper issue involved. In NO WAY did I start an affair because my husband wasn't man enough, or handsome enough. It was because of my issues that I have carried with me since childhood. Just pray, pray, pray. Ask her some questions about her childhood. Is she just searching to be understood, attention? A woman happy in her marriage would not step out on her husband. In our case, my husband and I stopped going to church!! We were not connecting at all. We were too busy. You need to get to the root problem here. I'm really pushing this love addiction thing because I feel that I have a testimony to teach this to people who have sexual or morral problems. I went to a week long workshop in Arizona which is based on the 12 steps. Now if its possible that she has deep rooted issues such as I...she WILL do it again the moment she gets needy. An affair isn't the problem, its a SYMPTOM of the problem. Counseling is a must. After my first affair, my husband refused counseling, and we buried it all. He would bring it up during arguments and further pushed away because of anger.

If you need to communicate further about this send a message. I'm interested in what her root problems are because I feel that I could be of help.

God Bless!


SkiGirl,

This is one of the most important posts I've seen in ANY of the marriage threads. My observations of both affairs and alcoholism has led me to believe that they largely begin in childhood. In the case of an affair, it appears to me that in most cases there is an intense need for total affirmation from the opposite sex. You mentioned, for instance, that your seducer knew the right words to say to you... and, I'm guessing.. they were totally and absolutely affirming words.

I came across this realization in trying to understand how an enormously talented pianist could throw his life away with alcohol and sex addiction. It just didn't make ANY sense at all until I was given a book that described the neediness to which you allude. This book had nothing to do with affiars, as such.. or even alcoholism. But, it did parallel the childhood that obsessed the pianist and revealed the negative consequences of lacking parental affirmation.

It may seem utter nonesense that a book called I'm Proud of You: My Friendship with Fred Rogers would provide such powerful insight in this neediness and the power of affirmation to a person with a hole in their heart where a parent's love should be found. But, it unlocked a mystery that had bothered me for years as I came face to face with totally contradictory behaviour in a person claiming to be a Christian.

So, having read this book, which actually had NOTHING to do with an affair, it's easy for me to see WHY you claim that "Now if its possible that she has deep rooted issues such as I...she WILL do it again the moment she gets needy. An affair isn't the problem, its a SYMPTOM of the problem."

It seems to me, having seen far too many affairs in the Body of Christ, that pastors and leaders need to find ways to alert couples about the ROOTS of these problems and to help needy people realize that no human can provide TOTAL AFFIRMATION all the time unless they are just being manipulative. The ONLY source of absolute and total affirmation, without MANIPULATION, is Jesus Christ.

Great post! The whole topic that you brought up, in the way that you have communicated it, deserves it's own thread. It's THAT IMPORTANT. [:)]



mary0965 -> RE: How do I put adultery in the past?? (2/15/2008 3:03:57 PM)

This will be my last post! I feel that I need to move on in my marriage and to do that I need to no longer subscribe to this thread - no problems, it's just if I am going to move forward I need to do that with my husband and when I read other comments, it brings back back memories - I will still continue to read emails and help those in need - as that is why God puts us in circumstances so that we may help others. I will be here to help and God knows if I ever need any of you again, I know where to turn. I want to thank you all for your help through this time and I am so grateful as to have found this website but I must move on!! God Bless all of you and I will continue to pray and check in from time to time



Godsgirrl -> RE: How do I put adultery in the past?? (3/22/2008 3:02:08 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: TMeeks

quote:

ORIGINAL: skigirl

Hurtinginlove-

I am going to post a message about my life long struggle with "love addiction". This is VERY real and VERY difficult. My situation may be different from your marriage...but I seemed to have it all too. Lived in a dream resort community, great house, kids, dog, business. Still, I wasn't happy because the "passion" was gone.

I am a Christian but TWO times I fell away from God and I had an affair. I just ended the last one two weeks ago. Although I was the one to confess, what you're wife describes as what she was looking for was perhaps a lack of intimacy and issues that she has carried from her childhood.

For me, I didn't connect with my parents at all. No mother / daughter bond, couldn't share my feelings with dad or brothers. I carried this into every long term relationship I had. I found men to love me because I NEEDED to be cared about and taken care of. When my husband started to push away and we stopped talking intimately, I was easy pickens for similar needy guys. The last guy and I were drawn to eachother like magnets. I have NEVER been alone since the age of 16. I have been married 9 years and I'm 31 years old.

My love addiction (the need to fill the void in my heart that only God could fill) caused me to sabotage my relationship with my husband. I pulled away without even realizing it. It was near impossible for me to leave this guy...in fact, it was obsessive compulsive on both ends. He would say he wanted to get back to God and only be friends (which will never work) but he would always seduce again. It turns out he was a sex addict! I had to turn him into the LDS church (yes, he was a mormon!!) and they excommunicated him. But now my husband struggles with forgiveness, and I know that this is a long hard road for me to fully gain his trust.

I say all this because it wasn't until I realized that I had an addiction problem...that I could change my life. Most affairs I assume result from past traumas being carried into each new relationship. I don't know if this is the issue with you're wife, I just know that there is a deeper issue involved. In NO WAY did I start an affair because my husband wasn't man enough, or handsome enough. It was because of my issues that I have carried with me since childhood. Just pray, pray, pray. Ask her some questions about her childhood. Is she just searching to be understood, attention? A woman happy in her marriage would not step out on her husband. In our case, my husband and I stopped going to church!! We were not connecting at all. We were too busy. You need to get to the root problem here. I'm really pushing this love addiction thing because I feel that I have a testimony to teach this to people who have sexual or morral problems. I went to a week long workshop in Arizona which is based on the 12 steps. Now if its possible that she has deep rooted issues such as I...she WILL do it again the moment she gets needy. An affair isn't the problem, its a SYMPTOM of the problem. Counseling is a must. After my first affair, my husband refused counseling, and we buried it all. He would bring it up during arguments and further pushed away because of anger.

If you need to communicate further about this send a message. I'm interested in what her root problems are because I feel that I could be of help.

God Bless!


SkiGirl,

This is one of the most important posts I've seen in ANY of the marriage threads. My observations of both affairs and alcoholism has led me to believe that they largely begin in childhood. In the case of an affair, it appears to me that in most cases there is an intense need for total affirmation from the opposite sex. You mentioned, for instance, that your seducer knew the right words to say to you... and, I'm guessing.. they were totally and absolutely affirming words.

I came across this realization in trying to understand how an enormously talented pianist could throw his life away with alcohol and sex addiction. It just didn't make ANY sense at all until I was given a book that described the neediness to which you allude. This book had nothing to do with affiars, as such.. or even alcoholism. But, it did parallel the childhood that obsessed the pianist and revealed the negative consequences of lacking parental affirmation.

It may seem utter nonesense that a book called I'm Proud of You: My Friendship with Fred Rogers would provide such powerful insight in this neediness and the power of affirmation to a person with a hole in their heart where a parent's love should be found. But, it unlocked a mystery that had bothered me for years as I came face to face with totally contradictory behaviour in a person claiming to be a Christian.

So, having read this book, which actually had NOTHING to do with an affair, it's easy for me to see WHY you claim that "Now if its possible that she has deep rooted issues such as I...she WILL do it again the moment she gets needy. An affair isn't the problem, its a SYMPTOM of the problem."

It seems to me, having seen far too many affairs in the Body of Christ, that pastors and leaders need to find ways to alert couples about the ROOTS of these problems and to help needy people realize that no human can provide TOTAL AFFIRMATION all the time unless they are just being manipulative. The ONLY source of absolute and total affirmation, without MANIPULATION, is Jesus Christ.

Great post! The whole topic that you brought up, in the way that you have communicated it, deserves it's own thread. It's THAT IMPORTANT. [:)]


TMEEKS- I just found this thread again and saw you're comments. Thank you, they are very important to me. I feel that this is a direction that I should take in my own recovery, to help Christians understand the psychological impact of the lack of intimacy and nurturing that I have struggled with my entire life.

I have had amazing things happen since that last post. My husband and I are seeing a great marriage counselor, we are seeking God's will for our lives. We are praying together! My husband had a hard time the other day feeling like he had to confront the man I had the affair with...because yes, he is a sex addict, while he claims that he is in recovery, we doubt that a recovering sex addict could continue to be a property director at a major ski resort. Anyhow, what I'm getting at is this...I strongly feel that there is a reason that I have had such a difficult childhood and young adult life. There is a reason that I got entangled with a married man who struggled with the same issues. Everything happens for the good of those who love the Lord. Although I am hurt, ashamed, and full of guilt, God is making miraculous changes in my life. So I am up for suggestions, should I start a post on this topic? What I found when I was at The Meadow's in Arizona, (which deals with these relational issues primarily) is that they teach the 12 steps, their psychological reasoning and research is world renowned, meaninfull, and I believe correct. HOWEVER, I don't see these things being taught within the Christian church. I do see these issues addressed at Celebrate Recovery, and I know that many good Christian counselors will subscribe to this. I really feel that if someone (including the psychologist that I went to as a teenager) would have recognized my addictive tendancies (and I do believe that I have struggeled with this a mental illness) I would have sought help years ago. At the meadows they had us surrender to our higher power. Well, groups such as sex-aholics anonymous and codependents anonymous aren't Christ Centered like Celebrate Recovery. When I went to my pastor, he explained why I was in this cycle just as the psychologists at the meadows did.

To be honest, I feel led to dive deep into this issue so that I can offer help to those who are suffering from what I have suffered through for so long. My husbands forgiveness and struggle to accept me are creating my testimony that we need to surrender to God's will completely. In addition, I believe that psychology (when it comes to addictions) should be looked at in a church setting; so as to say, we need to deal with these deep rooted issues and lifes arrows that have been thrown at us in order to recover, change our lives, and further the body of Christ. Satan will work hard to destroy what God intends for the church and our lives individually.



TMeeks -> RE: How do I put adultery in the past?? (3/22/2008 10:00:14 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: skigirl

quote:

ORIGINAL: TMeeks

quote:

ORIGINAL: skigirl

Hurtinginlove-

I am going to post a message about my life long struggle with "love addiction". This is VERY real and VERY difficult. My situation may be different from your marriage...but I seemed to have it all too. Lived in a dream resort community, great house, kids, dog, business. Still, I wasn't happy because the "passion" was gone.

I am a Christian but TWO times I fell away from God and I had an affair. I just ended the last one two weeks ago. Although I was the one to confess, what you're wife describes as what she was looking for was perhaps a lack of intimacy and issues that she has carried from her childhood.

For me, I didn't connect with my parents at all. No mother / daughter bond, couldn't share my feelings with dad or brothers. I carried this into every long term relationship I had. I found men to love me because I NEEDED to be cared about and taken care of. When my husband started to push away and we stopped talking intimately, I was easy pickens for similar needy guys. The last guy and I were drawn to eachother like magnets. I have NEVER been alone since the age of 16. I have been married 9 years and I'm 31 years old.

My love addiction (the need to fill the void in my heart that only God could fill) caused me to sabotage my relationship with my husband. I pulled away without even realizing it. It was near impossible for me to leave this guy...in fact, it was obsessive compulsive on both ends. He would say he wanted to get back to God and only be friends (which will never work) but he would always seduce again. It turns out he was a sex addict! I had to turn him into the LDS church (yes, he was a mormon!!) and they excommunicated him. But now my husband struggles with forgiveness, and I know that this is a long hard road for me to fully gain his trust.

I say all this because it wasn't until I realized that I had an addiction problem...that I could change my life. Most affairs I assume result from past traumas being carried into each new relationship. I don't know if this is the issue with you're wife, I just know that there is a deeper issue involved. In NO WAY did I start an affair because my husband wasn't man enough, or handsome enough. It was because of my issues that I have carried with me since childhood. Just pray, pray, pray. Ask her some questions about her childhood. Is she just searching to be understood, attention? A woman happy in her marriage would not step out on her husband. In our case, my husband and I stopped going to church!! We were not connecting at all. We were too busy. You need to get to the root problem here. I'm really pushing this love addiction thing because I feel that I have a testimony to teach this to people who have sexual or morral problems. I went to a week long workshop in Arizona which is based on the 12 steps. Now if its possible that she has deep rooted issues such as I...she WILL do it again the moment she gets needy. An affair isn't the problem, its a SYMPTOM of the problem. Counseling is a must. After my first affair, my husband refused counseling, and we buried it all. He would bring it up during arguments and further pushed away because of anger.

If you need to communicate further about this send a message. I'm interested in what her root problems are because I feel that I could be of help.

God Bless!


SkiGirl,

This is one of the most important posts I've seen in ANY of the marriage threads. My observations of both affairs and alcoholism has led me to believe that they largely begin in childhood. In the case of an affair, it appears to me that in most cases there is an intense need for total affirmation from the opposite sex. You mentioned, for instance, that your seducer knew the right words to say to you... and, I'm guessing.. they were totally and absolutely affirming words.

I came across this realization in trying to understand how an enormously talented pianist could throw his life away with alcohol and sex addiction. It just didn't make ANY sense at all until I was given a book that described the neediness to which you allude. This book had nothing to do with affiars, as such.. or even alcoholism. But, it did parallel the childhood that obsessed the pianist and revealed the negative consequences of lacking parental affirmation.

It may seem utter nonesense that a book called I'm Proud of You: My Friendship with Fred Rogers would provide such powerful insight in this neediness and the power of affirmation to a person with a hole in their heart where a parent's love should be found. But, it unlocked a mystery that had bothered me for years as I came face to face with totally contradictory behaviour in a person claiming to be a Christian.

So, having read this book, which actually had NOTHING to do with an affair, it's easy for me to see WHY you claim that "Now if its possible that she has deep rooted issues such as I...she WILL do it again the moment she gets needy. An affair isn't the problem, its a SYMPTOM of the problem."

It seems to me, having seen far too many affairs in the Body of Christ, that pastors and leaders need to find ways to alert couples about the ROOTS of these problems and to help needy people realize that no human can provide TOTAL AFFIRMATION all the time unless they are just being manipulative. The ONLY source of absolute and total affirmation, without MANIPULATION, is Jesus Christ.

Great post! The whole topic that you brought up, in the way that you have communicated it, deserves it's own thread. It's THAT IMPORTANT. [:)]


TMEEKS- I just found this thread again and saw you're comments. Thank you, they are very important to me. I feel that this is a direction that I should take in my own recovery, to help Christians understand the psychological impact of the lack of intimacy and nurturing that I have struggled with my entire life.

I have had amazing things happen since that last post. My husband and I are seeing a great marriage counselor, we are seeking God's will for our lives. We are praying together! My husband had a hard time the other day feeling like he had to confront the man I had the affair with...because yes, he is a sex addict, while he claims that he is in recovery, we doubt that a recovering sex addict could continue to be a property director at a major ski resort. Anyhow, what I'm getting at is this...I strongly feel that there is a reason that I have had such a difficult childhood and young adult life. There is a reason that I got entangled with a married man who struggled with the same issues. Everything happens for the good of those who love the Lord. Although I am hurt, ashamed, and full of guilt, God is making miraculous changes in my life. So I am up for suggestions, should I start a post on this topic? What I found when I was at The Meadow's in Arizona, (which deals with these relational issues primarily) is that they teach the 12 steps, their psychological reasoning and research is world renowned, meaninfull, and I believe correct. HOWEVER, I don't see these things being taught within the Christian church. I do see these issues addressed at Celebrate Recovery, and I know that many good Christian counselors will subscribe to this. I really feel that if someone (including the psychologist that I went to as a teenager) would have recognized my addictive tendancies (and I do believe that I have struggeled with this a mental illness) I would have sought help years ago. At the meadows they had us surrender to our higher power. Well, groups such as sex-aholics anonymous and codependents anonymous aren't Christ Centered like Celebrate Recovery. When I went to my pastor, he explained why I was in this cycle just as the psychologists at the meadows did.

To be honest, I feel led to dive deep into this issue so that I can offer help to those who are suffering from what I have suffered through for so long. My husbands forgiveness and struggle to accept me are creating my testimony that we need to surrender to God's will completely. In addition, I believe that psychology (when it comes to addictions) should be looked at in a church setting; so as to say, we need to deal with these deep rooted issues and lifes arrows that have been thrown at us in order to recover, change our lives, and further the body of Christ. Satan will work hard to destroy what God intends for the church and our lives individually.

God made the rules that tell us right from wrong. He, personally, gave us the Ten Commandments. Jesus Christ, was God who became the only perfect human that ever lived. If there was ever a person that could have raked a person over the coals for the tinest of sins, it was Jesus Christ.

Yet, that is NOT what he did when he was brought face to face with a woman caught in adultery. His words were carefully chosen. "Then neither do I condemn you" followed by "Go now and leave your life of sin."

Jesus fully acknowledged the sinfulness of the woman's life. But, he chose to focus on her future and not her past. Only fellow sinners, and we ourselves, seem preoccupied with our pasts as reasons for condemnation. The church, of all places, should be havens for those who want to escape the tyranny of the past and move into the Glory of the future in Jesus Christ's cleansing power. So, yes, I agree with you completely. [:)]



AnnieLaurieLie -> RE: How do I put adultery in the past?? (4/17/2008 1:49:56 PM)

Hurtinginlove-Are you still reading this thread? I would like to ask you a question. I have read all through the pages of this discussion, and what you have posted sounds exactly like I feel after finding out 6 weeks ago that my husband has been unfaithful.



iwillfearnoevil -> RE: How do I put adultery in the past?? (4/18/2008 9:38:35 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: AnnieLaurieLie
Hurtinginlove-Are you still reading this thread? I would like to ask you a question. I have read all through the pages of this discussion, and what you have posted sounds exactly like I feel after finding out 6 weeks ago that my husband has been unfaithful.


it looks like she is gone, however there are other people here who went or are going through this tragedy. i understand if you want to keep it private but feel free to post in this thread or create one.



AnnieLaurieLie -> RE: How do I put adultery in the past?? (4/18/2008 1:30:08 PM)

Iwillfearnoevil-Well, it's just that his posts seemed to indicate that he wasn't all that sure he wanted to work on the marriage, or at least there were days when he felt more so than others. I wanted to ask him if he still feels sometimes like it's not worth it, or has that lessened. He's a few months ahead of learning about the affair than I am so I was just wondering from the perspective of does it get better.

I know fairness should have nothing to do with it. After all, I want mercy and not justice myself. I know intellectually that it's all about grace, and we're all sinners, etc. But that doesn't change how I'm feeling right now.

We've been married 14 years and have 2 children. If he's to be believed, he had an affair about 6 years ago, briefly, with a former co-worker. He broke off the physical part of the relationship after being with her 3 times. He says he felt too guilty and the reality isn't as good as you think it's going to be. She changed jobs shortly thereafter because he wouldn't continue the relationship with her, and he says he hasn't seen or talked to her since. But they have maintained contact having cyber sex, (did you even know there was such a thing!?) exchanging explicit e-mails about fantasies etc., since then.

I found out about it all 6 weeks ago when I walked into our home office and caught him on the computer in the middle of an e-mail to her. He ultimately told me everything.

He apparently is a sex addict and says he has been going to porn sites like-I don't know-forever? He says that this lover was actually an extention of his addiction to porn, which is why he was dissatisified with the reality because he didn't have total control over the situation like he does when it's fantasy. She e-mailed him about 9 months after she changed jobs wanting to keep in touch, so they developed this sexual e-mail relationship. He said he had convinced himself that somehow this wasn't an affair and not really cheating. Obviously I disagree.

He said he is sorry, ended the relationship with her, deleted his personal e-mail account, is in individual counseling, has joined a support group, and has obtained an accountability partner (male) he talks to almost every day. I password protected our home computer and have his passwords for his work e-mail and internet history. We are also both going through a marital counseling program to restore the marriage. He says he'll do anything to repair the damage he's done, accepts full responsibility for the affair and his addiction, and wants us to have a better marriage than before.

My problem is I'm fighting a strong desire to divorce him. I am well educated with a high earning capacity so can easily take care of myself and our children financially without him. I am also attractive and fit, so am not concerned about finding someone else, if I even wanted to. In fact, I've deflected my own share of advances over the years, which is how he says his affair started.

It seems unfair to me that he goes out and has an affair, which I resisted doing, and in which he would still be engaged if I hadn't caught him. Then, when caught, he says he's sorry and takes steps to start doing the things that are no more than he should have been doing all along. Since he's willing to do anything to save the marriage, if I divorce him it's on me and I get the guilt of hurting the children, not him.

Plus, he and our program talk about having a better marriage than ever, which I can see from his standpoint. But to me, I can't envision a marriage better than the one I bargained for when I got married, which was one in which my husband would never betray me.

I had no say about the affair or his behavior, and now I'm stuck with working on a relationship that is less than I expected, otherwise I hurt my children. He risks their happiness and the marriage time and again all these years, and would still be at it, but I'm expected to "do the right thing" and restore the relationship.

I see no downside in all this for him, and I get all the pain and dissatisfaction. I didn't even get to have any of the fun of the sexual flings to compensate in any way. Hey, I enjoy sex as much as the next person, I just thought it was supposed to be kept within the marital relationship.

I've told him how I feel. He says Im looking at it all wrong, that he will be the man I deserve from now on, that he wasn't having fun...blah blah blah. Whatever...

I don't like feeling this way, but there it is. And yes, I pray often asking God to soften my heart towards my husband, to help me to forgive, to help me change how I feel, etc. I have a close female friend (also Christian) I have talked to and she also prays for me and my marriage. Some days are better than others but it's always there as a low grade fever.



iwillfearnoevil -> RE: How do I put adultery in the past?? (4/18/2008 2:07:24 PM)

try to think of a very fine piece of china (marriage before DDay) ... then the affair is discovered and the china is smashed into hundreds of pieces ... however it is possible for those pieces to be crafted into rare, fine art like an awesome mosiac ... the mosiac is DIFFERENT than the china ... is it better - in many regards yes ...

To appoint unto them that mourn in Zion, to give unto them beauty for ashes, the oil of joy for mourning, the garment of praise for the spirit of heaviness; that they might be called trees of righteousness, the planting of the LORD, that he might be glorified. Isaiah 61:3 (KJV)

i highly recommend 'surviving an affair' by dr harley. since he is willing to work on this, reading the book together will help bring back feelings of romantic love. 6 weeks is not a realistic timeframe for your negative feelings to fade - you will likely feel resentment in 6 months as well. please don't consider this next part condescending but in terms of feeling the loss that you didn't get to have any sexual flings yourself, you wouldn't just be getting 'revenge' on your husband but you would be sinning against God as well. yeah sin is pleasurable for a season, but if you continue your Christian walk, you would no doubt regret it.



AnnieLaurieLie -> RE: How do I put adultery in the past?? (4/18/2008 3:22:39 PM)

Yes, I'd seen that you recommended SAA many times and had already planned picking it up to read...will have to think about reading it WITH him however. I also have gone to the web site and read just about everything on there.

Not taken as condescending, I knew you'd say that and I know it too. In our program there's a section I work through where they discuss revenge, and you go through an exercise where you imagine yourself doing whatever you were thinking, but then thinking past the revenge to what would likely happen next. If sinning against God isn't enough to deter you, that sure is. Well, me anyway. Not so sure about my husband...

It's just that it seems like it's better to be the cheater if there's going to be adultery. At least you aren't feeling hurt and betrayed, and you at least got to make some of the decisions about having the affair. I guess part of me wishes I'd cheated and he's the one having to deal...maybe I'm just being the other son in Luke 15:28. I can sure identify with him right now.

6 months!?!?



iwillfearnoevil -> RE: How do I put adultery in the past?? (4/18/2008 3:32:42 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: AnnieLaurieLie
I knew you'd say that and I know it too.
6 months!?!?


annie, i said it cause i used to have those same feelings & thoughts ... you mentioned 6 weeks ago you found out, i randomly threw out 6 months based on your 6. i was trying to emphasize, it won't happen overnight. a better improved marriage can happen very fast but for most betrayed spouses, still are reminded from time to time down the road. i am sorry if i discouraged you but the conditions that set up the affair didn't happen overnight and there is not an overnight answer. everybody is different, you seem very confident and secure in yourself and may have an easier time letting go of your feelings.



AnnieLaurieLie -> RE: How do I put adultery in the past?? (4/18/2008 4:53:51 PM)

Got it...no telling how long but eventually these feelings should pass, right? Or at least not be as frequent or intense? I am just concerned about spending the rest of my marriage feeling this way...very discouraging.

I try to focus on the positive things, things I am thankful for. Not feel sorry for myself, etc. I can't let my whole life be about this betrayal, I have 2 children after all.

Thanks for your responses.



iwillfearnoevil -> RE: How do I put adultery in the past?? (4/19/2008 3:06:49 AM)

yes they really can pass. altho you may think of it every 5 minutes now, that time will grow. you'll have good days and bad days. switching from 'victim' thought process at some point is important in this process.



hurtinginlove -> RE: How do I put adultery in the past?? (4/23/2008 10:55:30 PM)

Hello everyone. I have been away from the board for a while, but I do check in ocassionally. My wife and I are still together and working through the hurt of this affair.

All of you out there who are going through this, you will get better. Time has been the best thing for us. I still have days when I could chew nails to pieces, but I am learning to deal with it. I'm sure I will come out of this a better person than who I was before. My wife will also come out of this a better person because she sees what she almost destroyed, her family. Guilt really is working on her. She has a different opinion of the guy she had the affair with. She thinks he is a sorry excuse for a man. She has cried many tears about her mistake and she is trying so hard to be who God would want her to be. I would hate to have her guilt weighing on my heart.

I wish all of you out there the best. I will continue to check in but I don't post much anymore. I guess I'm at that stage of the healing process that I don't discuss it much.



iwillfearnoevil -> RE: How do I put adultery in the past?? (4/23/2008 11:02:13 PM)

awesome hurtinginlove!!! that is often recommended advice to not bring up the affair again especially to the wayward spouse ... and try to put it in the past. i'm so happy for you guys! God does comfort those who mourn and can turn ashes into beauty as is written in Isaiah 61 !!!



AnnieLaurieLie -> RE: How do I put adultery in the past?? (5/2/2008 8:16:10 AM)

I don't agree about not bringing it up. I know I have asked questions that I wanted the answers to. No, it wasn't pleasant to hear, but I have been able to process and accept the details that I am aware of.

I get more angry if he doesn't want to answer than I do about the details themselves. I want to feel like if I have a question in the future I can ask it and get an honest answer, without him getting angry because I'm bringing it up. To me, it's a sign of his returning his loyalty to me. He talked to her about these things, so they "share" that bond. I don't like the idea that another woman has secrets with my husband. I will not be able to heal if I believe that to be the case. She will always have that special relationship with him if he won't switch his confidences from her to me. When he balks at answering me it slows my healing and makes me think he is closer to her emotionally than he is to me. When he answers honestly and without anger, I feel closer to him and I feel like he does care for me and wants to be close to me.

I don't ask him details like what exactly they did, physically, or where, etc. I want to know things like what they talked about, what he was feeling at the time, especially if he told her how he was feeling. I want to know why he told her some of the things he did and what he was thinking at the time. I want to know what she told him about herself and how she was feeling. She apparently cared for him and wanted him to leave me. I want to know what he told her when the topic came up. Those are the kinds I things I feel I need to know.

He says he doesn't like to talk about it because it shames him and he is afraid I will leave him. I believe that if in the course of this process he tells me something that causes me to not want to stay in the relationship, then at least I have been given the opportunity to make that decision. To withhold facts from me so that I will stay with him out of ignorance is a double betrayal. I had no choice in his having the affair, I at least ought to be given the respect to make an INFORMED decision as to whether I want to stay in the marriage with this person.



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