RE: How do I put adultery in the past?? (Full Version)

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iwillfearnoevil -> RE: How do I put adultery in the past?? (5/2/2008 8:32:07 AM)

AnnieLaurieLie - your recovery is still early and i agree that there should be a time for asking questions. hurting found out 9 months ago and there have been no relapses since then. i believe after a period of time, it can be dangerous especially if the wayward spouse might still be considering leaving. a few betrayed spouses use the affair to beat the wayward spouse on top of the head with and manipulate to get their way. personally i found it very hard to not mention it from time to time - i wasn't sure how the balance between openness and honesty vs not mentioning it could work together. i believe you are sitll under 2 months and everything is very fresh. i'd like to mention that affairs are addictions. wayward spouses thought process is clouded - if they were thinking rationally, they likely wouldn't have had an affair. thus you probably aren't going to like some of the answers your husband reveals to you. wayward spouses are caught between two worlds and the thought process is anything but stable. there were probably some days when your husband would have told her to back off about a future together and then other days when he would toss out an idea of moving in with her or looking for a joint apartment. your husband is with you now and has repented and is willing to work on the marriage - that is what most betrayed spouses want. is your husband open & honest with you about other matters - is he working on trying to build communication and a special closeness in general? he may be sincere when he says it shames him - many recovering addicts aren't proud of what they did.



AnnieLaurieLie -> RE: How do I put adultery in the past?? (5/2/2008 11:00:00 AM)

Actually, he doesn't say they made plans to be together, he says he deflected her attempts to become more involved because to him she was porn and he didn't want to get involved with her otherwise. He says he wouldn't even talk to her on the phone, lying to her and telling her he didn't have a cell phone, and not calling her when she gave him her number. He says he lied to her and lead her on to keep her writing to him, saying he couldn't leave because of the kids, etc...

I think she felt he cared for her whether he did or not, obviously. And I think he got something out of knowing there was someone out there who "wanted" him and thought he was the cat's pajamas. I think that was mean of him, if that's true.

In any event, whether lies or not, I want to know. I can make my own decisions on whether he was lying to her at the time or is lying to me now.

I think it's a good sign he feels ashamed of himself for lying to her, if that's in fact what he did. And yes, he is making all the right moves now except for this one area where he gets angry about talking about it. It's a real sticking point because, frankly, the more resistant he is to talking about it, the more it makes me think he has something to hide, which also makes it more difficult for me to drop it and move on.

We do have good days, so it's not all negative.



TMeeks -> RE: How do I put adultery in the past?? (5/2/2008 1:23:07 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: AnnieLaurieLie

Actually, he doesn't say they made plans to be together, he says he deflected her attempts to become more involved because to him she was porn and he didn't want to get involved with her otherwise. He says he wouldn't even talk to her on the phone, lying to her and telling her he didn't have a cell phone, and not calling her when she gave him her number. He says he lied to her and lead her on to keep her writing to him, saying he couldn't leave because of the kids, etc...

I think she felt he cared for her whether he did or not, obviously. And I think he got something out of knowing there was someone out there who "wanted" him and thought he was the cat's pajamas. I think that was mean of him, if that's true.

In any event, whether lies or not, I want to know. I can make my own decisions on whether he was lying to her at the time or is lying to me now.

I think it's a good sign he feels ashamed of himself for lying to her, if that's in fact what he did. And yes, he is making all the right moves now except for this one area where he gets angry about talking about it. It's a real sticking point because, frankly, the more resistant he is to talking about it, the more it makes me think he has something to hide, which also makes it more difficult for me to drop it and move on.

We do have good days, so it's not all negative.

One of the things that a 'wronged' partner must be very careful to avoid is in taking on being wronged as a 'power position'. He is wrong. He knows he was wrong. God knows he was wrong. And, the details really won't matter in a lifetime.

The goal is restoration. And, as long as both of you keep that in mind, then things can go forward. Yes, you will have trust issues and he will absolutely have to leave behind ANY vestige of porn, etc. But, many, many couples have weathered the storm that you are going through.

As for divorce, the ramifications for your children would never cease... right up through the grandchildren and great grandchildren. That is certainly one reason why a THRIVING restoration is the best possible goal. Don't just stay together for the children... THRIVE for the children.



AnnieLaurieLie -> RE: How do I put adultery in the past?? (5/3/2008 1:11:36 PM)

Interesting..."power position" in what way?



readytogoon -> RE: How do I put adultery in the past?? (5/4/2008 6:21:24 PM)

i was the one cheated on by my husband, he would flaunt it right in my face, then act like it was nothing, it was all my fault because i yelled at him, we were married one year(2nd time for me) first for him. he met her on a online computer game... it was the worst time of my life, because of that i ended up in the hospital with a subdura hematoma, because of stress. he refused to care for me so i had no choice but to leave. i came back into the state after 4 months of recupe, tried to make the marragie work but he refuses all he sees is that i left him, not what he nee. but i said all that to say this, i have forgiven him , and love him with all my heart. we have been seperated for 4 years, the only thing that i can do now is just pray pray and pray that God will change his heart and that he gives his life to the Lord. Forgiveness will come if you give this problem to the Lord. Because of God i can honestly say that I have peace and joy in my life no matter what happens to our marraige. God is bigger that any problem, and all things are possibel with God.



mary0965 -> RE: How do I put adultery in the past?? (5/7/2008 3:12:04 PM)

I have been away for awhile also but still check in from time to time to give encouragement! I am a survivor for 1 year and 2 months now since I found out about the affair - everything that has been stated by some very spiritually filled christian people on this site is true! You CAN restore your marriage, it CAN be better than ever before, and you CAN get through it!! With God's help and direction anything is possible!! Like TMeeks says - what good is it going to do to know all the details - someone very close to me and very wise once said - it would do more harm to our marriage than good and if we were going to reconcile then we needed to focus our attention on that and move forward and not backwards - have that long final talk with your spouse - decide the direction of your marriage and move forward - remember God hates divorce and remember your children and passing on from generation to generation - God Bless to All



hurtinginlove -> RE: How do I put adultery in the past?? (7/14/2008 2:36:27 PM)

I still check in from time to time. I'm still torn between staying with the wife I love or leaving her for the choices she made. I love her, I hate adultery. She bought adultery into our lives and turned our world upside down. She made the choice that he was more important to her than the husband and family she had. She knew the consequences before she started the affair. She just didn't think she would get caught. I don't take that lightly at all. Now she sees him as a poor excuse for a man. Someone who is 45 years old, divorced and trying to get into as many panties as he can. There is nothing special about him. He is out of shape and has to tell lies about himself on his MySpace site to appear interesting. Basically a 45 year old teenager who doesn't have squat. My wife fell for him. Now, I find myself ready to fall for another woman. This world has millions and millions of women on it but only one has torn my heart out. So why, do I want to give her the priviledge of having a good man like me. She is still working at the hospital and so does he. Their schedules overlap for 3.5 hours and she wonders why this bothers me. Sometimes I think if another woman came into my life, I would feel so much better. She would be a distraction from all this mess.

I know some of my post don't help you out there going through similar situations, but do my feelings resemble yours at all? This is so hard. I have a beautiful wife that I love very much but she has bought so much pain into my life. I know she hurts too from all she has caused but you can't put the toothpaste back in the tube. How can someone make such foolish choices over and over again. She made the choice to have a conversation with him about going to his house. She made a choice to get into her van and drive to his place. She made choices to kiss him, have sex with him, call him, text him, email him and lie to me. All those were choices, not a mistake. I DON'T FORGIVE HER...

"God, you have given me a life to live in your way. I am struggling here with forgiveness and it is tearing me apart. I love her and I hate her at the same time. I feel so lost inside with tons of pressure on my chest. I don't know where to turn. Please give me guidance to get through this. AMEN"



iwillfearnoevil -> RE: How do I put adultery in the past?? (7/14/2008 4:17:09 PM)

hurtinginlove, sign up for those divorcecare email devotions i talk about. i am glad you are posting here again and not just keeping it inside. your wife was not thinking straight, affairs are like drugs. if i recall she is choosing to live with you. you will have to learn and forgive. this isn't Godly behavior of you to be holding this against her still. even if you divorce and move on, you still need to forgive her someday. and forgiveness is more about you getting healthy than anything to do with her.



becomingwhole -> RE: How do I put adultery in the past?? (7/14/2008 4:35:27 PM)

I have read you thread for a while. I have lived this life. My dh left me and our two children for the other woman. He filed for divorce and the divorce went all the way. For me it was very hard because he is the only man I had ever dated, loved, well you get the picture. Almost six months after the big D was final he called and asked for another chance. Now this whole process began in 2002 and the divorce was final in 04. By 05 I had reached a point where I was finally ok, and making it... I answered his question with a yes... I did pour my heart out to God saying, "now when I was finally okay, or you kidding me". Well we went through counseling and remarried in Oct. 05... Has it been hard ?? Yes, but then again so was divorce. Do I still hurt ?? Yes, but I would without him. Why did I ? God had brought me to a place where I realized anyone could fall if they are not in the right place with God. I asked God to show me my wickedness, and yes to others it may not seem as bad, but I also put my savior on the cross. My father God showed me grace and took the sting of death from my life, how could I not show that grace when given the chance .... So yes, you can heal, you can survive, and life can be better then before, but it takes God.... My dh now travels and goes out of town for day and I can say I have never given it a second thought, because I truly believe Jer. 29:11-13. God has me, and I know I can rest in that... I will tell you we have seen our kids bloom again, our home has peace, and love, mercy is something my dh gets. I see his hurt; I feel when his heart breaks when our dd asked crying, "dads are you ever going to leave again" or when she says, "Why did you go". These are questions he answers and relives all of his mistakes, I remind him that God does remember or hold it against him, so how can I. Are there bad days? Sometimes, but I tell him, my worst day with him is better then not having him in my life at all.
I have been through the Divorce care classes, and I learned so much, and yes I loved them.... I don't know if this helps, but it is my story, and my life, and I am thankful to God everyday because I do know how it could have been... God's grace is amazing when we allow him to really carry us...
Becomingwhole



iwillfearnoevil -> RE: How do I put adultery in the past?? (7/14/2008 4:49:19 PM)

thank you for posting your testimony becomingwhole!



stamper_ben -> RE: How do I put adultery in the past?? (7/15/2008 11:34:56 AM)

quote:

I know some of my post don't help you out there going through similar situations, but do my feelings resemble yours at all? This is so hard. I have a beautiful wife that I love very much but she has bought so much pain into my life. I know she hurts too from all she has caused but you can't put the toothpaste back in the tube. How can someone make such foolish choices over and over again. She made the choice to have a conversation with him about going to his house. She made a choice to get into her van and drive to his place. She made choices to kiss him, have sex with him, call him, text him, email him and lie to me. All those were choices, not a mistake. I DON'T FORGIVE HER...

My wife left with a man two months ago. He abused her after two weeks and she called me to rescue her. Because he is disabled (blind) she still cares for him and has stayed in contact with him. Now she wants to continue the physical relationship with him while living at home with me. My dilemma now is to come to terms with having the strength within me to deliver tough love as Dobson has written about.

Hurtinginlove, man I wish I were in your shoes with a wife who has quit the affair and has shown remorse for the pain she has caused you. Count your blessings dude! If in time my wife repents of the sin and hurt she is causing me now, OF COURSE I'LL FORGIVE HER! I love her. I pledged my heart to her. We have become one flesh in God's hands. I do not look on that lightly. Now you have a choice to make, not unlike those choices she made with her lover really. You can choose to forgive.

I'll tell you that yes indeed, the urge to fall for a different woman at this point is great. Satan is at work, trying to destroy any and all that God has done. Then he can tell the world "Look at those Christians! Is that the love they have for each other? HA! If their God is so great then why can't He do something to help them?" One marriage at a time, one soul at a time, that's all the devil wants. It is up to us to make the CHOICE to turn to God and His Word to receive His help.

Yes, I know the pain all too well. I know the grieving over this and other infidelities that have happened on the past (for this is not the first one that has happened). But like my signature says, we WILL be known by the love we show each other. That love HAS to include forgiveness.



RepentanceIsRequired -> RE: How do I put adultery in the past?? (7/15/2008 1:51:19 PM)

Like most have said, forgiveness is the key to healing. I had moved closer to my family and husband was still living in Orlando when I told him of the affair I had. I asked for his forgiveness and was given it immediately (but that is not to say his pain ended immediately). I had to also forgive myself as well as repent. But what amazed me was that my husband, by the grace and love of God, went to the man I had an affair with and told him he forgave him as well. This for us wiped/cleaned out all the rocks that had been building under the foundation of our marriage from day one. That was about a year and a half ago. We sought out God together.

(I want to say more, but the words are just not coming yet .... )




RepentanceIsRequired -> RE: How do I put adultery in the past?? (7/15/2008 2:07:37 PM)

My husband too would ask questions and wanted to know what we did or said to one another. Upon first announcement of the affair I would give him the basic information. After a while when he would ask for more I had to kindly tell him that I couldn't say anymore. I told him that all it does is just bring up all the past hurt and we can't move forward. It's like picking a sore, it just keeps getting opened up and doesn't heal as quick as it should.



iwillfearnoevil -> RE: How do I put adultery in the past?? (7/15/2008 3:04:02 PM)

i agree that ongoing questions is not healthy, affairs need to be put in the past at some point. however in many cases it is necessary for betrayed spouses to be able to given a chance to ask questions initially with the wayward spouse giving open & honest answers. some betrayed spouses want answers however i found it easier to attempt recovery the second time knowing less info versus the first time where i knew more.



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