As a Christian I’m having great difficulty… (Full Version)

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ladyichigo -> As a Christian I’m having great difficulty… (11/27/2007 7:31:03 PM)

I need to get this off my chest.

I have an older brother who is about a year and half my elder. Him and I were very close. During our childhood, we played a lot together, and I looked up to him. As we grew up, we still hung out together, ate out and just had tons of fun. My brother was a pretty reserved guy. He kept his thoughts pretty much to himself, and only voiced his opinions when he was asked of them. He was pretty sensitive to other’s needs too and did what he could do to help others. He had genuine agape love for his friends. This is the big brother I remember, and had a healthy brother/sister relationship with.

Now…I don’t know him anymore. A few years ago, I learned that he was depressed and was taking anti-depressants and seeing a secular therapist. All of a sudden he goes to tell us that he doesn’t think he was supposed to be a guy, and that he felt like that since he was little. From then on, I noticed him dressing in more feminine looking clothing, talking in a higher pitched voice (it sounded strained), and acting overtly feminine. He started to attend group therapy with “people like himself” and even started wearing cosmetics. He says he feels free-er among a certain community because he can act the way “he is” without being criticized, and has ostracized himself from those who do not accept that lifestyle. I don’t understand what happened, and WHY. He’s no longer the brother I knew growing up. I don’t know what to see him as anymore. He’s no longer my “brother”, but I can’t call him my “sister”, because…he isn’t. I grew up having 1 big brother. My ONE and only big brother….

I’m sad because I feel like I don’t have my big brother anymore… yet at the same time I’m angry because he’s living as something he wasn’t born as, and acts like something he really isn’t, and is acting like he understands how it is to be a female, when he really really doesn’t. He may be “in touch” with the feminine side, but I doubt he truly understands how it is to be a woman.

I’ve heard it all... “You’ve got to love the sinner, hate the sin. You shouldn’t judge, you should look past the sin, and look at the person…etc.” Easier said than done. Every day this is a struggle for me…to love my “brother” as Jesus does. To accept him…or her…or whatever….I don’t know even know how to put it. It just hurts, and it’s difficult. I really don’t know how to deal with this other than just to give up to God and have Him deal with it, but even that is difficult. I just want my brother to be back…the way I remember him…the way I used to know him.



crh737 -> RE: As a Christian I’m having great difficulty… (11/27/2007 8:19:04 PM)

Ladyichigo~
My honest thought is you built an image of your brother. Your post even states he never shared his thoughts. Only shared his opinion when it was directed to him.

It sounds like your brother was very intuned to your needs and was a great listener as he struggled with his own difficulty silently. Maybe fear of rejection.

You are now learning of a trial and maybe thorn he has been struggling with for a while, why is your brother now different to you? Because is it maybe not what you had build him up or expected him to be?

Do not allow the dust in your eyes to cloud your view of your brother. Maybe it's your turn to give him an unjudgemental ear? And love him as you did before you became aware of his struggle.

In His Love
CRH



ladyichigo -> RE: As a Christian I’m having great difficulty… (11/27/2007 9:43:06 PM)

quote:

why is your brother now different to you? Because is it maybe not what you had build him up or expected him to be?


Because I grew up knowing him as BROTHER, and associated with him as a XY. Not SISTER. I already have a sister (5 years my elder) who I can look up to when it comes to sisterly needs.

And believe me, I am trying keep the "dust" from clouding my eyes. I am trying to love him/her, and accept him/her. I'm just sharing that IT'S VERY DIFFICULT because I don't know which "gender" I should address him/her as! If I address him/her as a male, he'll/she'll get hurt because he/she thinks he's/she's a XX. If I address him/her as a female, I'm accepting that God made a mistake in putting "her" in a XY body. I'm stating the obvious that I AM NOT A PERFECT CHRISTIAN AND I NEED HELP FROM GOD and encouragement from other Christians. Especially in this particular area.

Am I alone on this kind of situation? Isn't there anyone here that has successfully been able to deal with this type of thing than can offer me some encouraging words instead of telling me how I need to get the plank out of my own eye?



Walker311 -> RE: As a Christian I’m having great difficulty… (11/27/2007 10:03:20 PM)

You can't change him so you have to change and it should begin by going to him and telling him exactly how you feel about this and then you both work through this together... if you both are willing.



timf -> RE: As a Christian I’m having great difficulty… (11/28/2007 7:28:43 AM)

I just want my brother to be back…the way I remember him…the way I used to know him.

It sounds like you are reacting most strongly to what you have lost. Consider for a moment that your brother started thinking he was Napoleon. He started to think that he was the reincarnation of the famous general and started to ask everyone to call him Napoleon. Would you be more or less angry than you are now.

Your brother may or may not have a homosexual component to his thoughts, however, the sexual theme makes it easy to get distracted from the real problem. Just as an alcoholic is fixated on the source of his stimulation, your brother sounds drawn to that which gives him stimulation. A secular therapist will encourage him to pursue these sources of pleasure like telling an alcoholic to get a job in a liquor store.

Over a hundred years ago many people lived as pioneers trying to grow enough food to last through the winter. In these lives lived close to the natural world, dependence on God was critical. We now live in artifical world of plenty. In this world, we have temptations that never existed before in the history of the world except for the few wealthy rulers (and consider how they usually turned out).

Your brother is receiving encouragement to lose himself in a world of sensation and dissipation. He needs your prayer. You may be able to negotiate a way to deal with him saying in effect that you cannot bring yourself to refer to him as a woman or support a lifestyle that you feel will bring him pain. However, you still love him and you hope that as he asks you to understand him, he can see that you would like him to understand you.



crh737 -> RE: As a Christian I’m having great difficulty… (11/28/2007 8:19:34 AM)

Ladyichigo~
I apologize if I made you angry. Acceptance is a hard thing for many people to do, but once past the acceptance than you can look to the solution. Also now it is your turn to be a good listener.

I would address your brother by name and I agree I would discuss your concerns with him and pray for him. Embrace him with a hug and let him know you love him.

My fiance was devistated when he learned his youngest son was gay, but the first thing out of his mouth was: It's a Sin. I had to look at him and say and what you don't have sin?

I believe we are here to help each other out with whatever transitions life brings us. Even what we believe to be the strangest storms Jesus is still there.

CRH



miasma -> RE: As a Christian I’m having great difficulty… (11/28/2007 9:25:23 AM)

quote:

sisterly needs


I don't think your brother is thinking you two are sisters, all of a sudden. Relate to him as you always have, on a human level (however that was). He still has the same love, inside.

quote:

I don't know which "gender" I should address him/her as!


So ask.

Interestingly, on yesterday's Tyra Banks show, it was about transexuals (men who live as women, or physically are women, after drugs and surgery - gorgeous women, too). The ... 7, I think, she had on stage all had pretty much the same back story. Felt like a woman since a young age, were very depressed (many admitted still are dealing with the pain) - one was with his mom, who still calls him Terry. "He's my Terry," she said. And the trannie said that was OK with him.

Have you just talked to your brother?



BeesKnees -> RE: As a Christian I’m having great difficulty… (11/28/2007 9:30:44 AM)

Your brother needs to hear that you still love him.

He obviously loves you very much, and needs your support.

He also needs you to share the Gospel with him (again?), and show how even though God hates sin, He loved us enough to send Jesus to take the penalty for our sins, on our behalf. He did this because otherwise hell would be our destiny. But hell is still the destiny of anyone who does not accept Jesus Christ as Lord and Savior. Our ability to accept Him is a gift.

Even those of us who have already accepted the Lord, need to have the stakes spelled out to us, occasionally. Tell him or remind him, whichever applies!

Oh, and pray, pray, pray. I do understand - I really do.



bcipam -> RE: As a Christian I’m having great difficulty… (11/28/2007 6:55:36 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: miasma

I don't think your brother is thinking you two are sisters, all of a sudden. Relate to him as you always have, on a human level (however that was). He still has the same love, inside.



As always Miasma has said something profound. Why do you see your sibling as brother or sister? Why don't you see him/her as part of your family, your blood? Just because the gender changes the person inside remains the same.

I believe that genetically things sometimes do get messed up. I would get on the internet and do some research about transgender persons (very different from homosexuals or transvestites) so that you can truly understand what your brother is going through. The decision he made to change was not a casual one. It take years of therapy and questioning. It is a decision not made lightly.

He needs your love and understanding. You do not have to accept his lifestyle or his changes, but you should tolerate them in order to keep him in your life.

Pray from guidance. A suggestion: agreed to go with your brother to his therapy sessions. Ask the therapist about the changes your brother is going through. What scares us is the unknown. Learn all you can and acceptance will follow.

Take care.



ladyichigo -> RE: As a Christian I’m having great difficulty… (11/28/2007 7:47:34 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: timf
It sounds like you are reacting most strongly to what you have lost. Consider for a moment that your brother started thinking he was Napoleon. He started to think that he was the reincarnation of the famous general and started to ask everyone to call him Napoleon. Would you be more or less angry than you are now.


I asked my mom how she is dealing with this, and she said that she could only accept him in that way if she looked at him as someone with a psychological problem.

quote:


Your brother may or may not have a homosexual component to his thoughts, however, the sexual theme makes it easy to get distracted from the real problem. Just as an alcoholic is fixated on the source of his stimulation, your brother sounds drawn to that which gives him stimulation. A secular therapist will encourage him to pursue these sources of pleasure like telling an alcoholic to get a job in a liquor store.

Over a hundred years ago many people lived as pioneers trying to grow enough food to last through the winter. In these lives lived close to the natural world, dependence on God was critical. We now live in artifical world of plenty. In this world, we have temptations that never existed before in the history of the world except for the few wealthy rulers (and consider how they usually turned out).

Your brother is receiving encouragement to lose himself in a world of sensation and dissipation. He needs your prayer. You may be able to negotiate a way to deal with him saying in effect that you cannot bring yourself to refer to him as a woman or support a lifestyle that you feel will bring him pain. However, you still love him and you hope that as he asks you to understand him, he can see that you would like him to understand you.


When my mom told my brother to seek a Christian therapist, he blatantly refused and went ahead and sought a secular therapist, exclusively counseling transgenders. I guess they have a way making these people believe that God made the "oops" of putting a female into a male body, and that it's all right to change themselves into how they feel is "good". I think that's the gist of why I'm angry with this whole thing. I see it as a slap in the Lord's face.

I am praying every day for him. I am praying that he will see the truth, the Lord's truth. I am also asking for the Lord's forgiveness in my own faults, in my own shortcomings, and for my impatience to see the Lord's victory.



ladyichigo -> RE: As a Christian I’m having great difficulty… (11/28/2007 7:51:43 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Walker311

You can't change him so you have to change and it should begin by going to him and telling him exactly how you feel about this and then you both work through this together... if you both are willing.


I hand wrote a letter to my brother telling him how I felt a few weeks after I found out. In a nutshell, I told him that no matter what happens that he’ll always be my big brother. I told him that God doesn’t make mistakes, and that he didn’t have to conform to world’s ideas about who or what he is or not just because he has feelings that are feminine. I told him I will always love him just the way God meant to create him. Maybe I shouldn’t have said that…. [&o]

He never confirmed if he received that letter. He never wrote back. We continued to go over to my mom’s house to hang out with him, but he seemed more and more distant. [:(]



ladyichigo -> RE: As a Christian I’m having great difficulty… (11/28/2007 8:11:55 PM)

quote:


He needs your love and understanding. You do not have to accept his lifestyle or his changes, but you should tolerate them in order to keep him in your life.


I'm confused.

quote:

A suggestion: agreed to go with your brother to his therapy sessions. Ask the therapist about the changes your brother is going through. What scares us is the unknown. Learn all you can and acceptance will follow.

Take care.

I live in Hawaii now. He lives in So Cal. Even if I wanted to, I can't.



ladyichigo -> RE: As a Christian I’m having great difficulty… (11/28/2007 8:25:33 PM)

quote:


Have you just talked to your brother?

Not so much as I should these days. My husband mainly keeps in contact with him via AIM. He doesn't wish to be called by his birth name. His birth name is written literally, "Justice" in Japanese. He had it legally changed it to something else because he felt he didn't fit his birth name. Basically all my life, I've been calling him "Big Brother" (Oh-KNEE-chahn) in Japanese. It's kind of a term of endearment for the older siblings that the younger siblings use in the Japanese culture. My mom doesn't call him by his legal name. She gave him a new name that she feels comfortable calling him and he's "okay" with it. I guess it may help if I adopt that new name for him too. Perhaps the healing for me will start from there.



ladyichigo -> RE: As a Christian I’m having great difficulty… (11/28/2007 8:55:35 PM)

Perhaps this should be in the Morality and Ethics Folder....???



ta_mosquito -> RE: As a Christian I’m having great difficulty… (11/28/2007 8:57:33 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: ladyichigo

Perhaps this should be in the Morality and Ethics Folder....???


Actually, I should probably close it and redirect to the transgender/crossdressing one stop thread. Let's just leave it in here for now.



miasma -> RE: As a Christian I’m having great difficulty… (11/29/2007 10:45:03 AM)

quote:

Perhaps the healing for me will start from there.


Or maybe you could acknowledge how much pain your brother is in, or has gone through at some point, and try to help him, instead of making his huge decision all about you.

Of course you will need to figure out how to deal/cope/adjust, but I don't see how you can do that, until you understand what's going on. Which would mean calling your brother and saying, "Explain this to me." And then listen. Don't interrupt. Don't talk about Jesus. Just listen.



ladyichigo -> RE: As a Christian I’m having great difficulty… (11/29/2007 4:09:13 PM)

quote:

Or maybe you could acknowledge how much pain your brother is in, or has gone through at some point, and try to help him, instead of making his huge decision all about you.


Sorry that I made it all about me. It shouldn’t be. It’s about my brother who’s hurting, who’s got nobody to turn to except for the small circle of friends he’s made in his therapy sessions. I know that I should be there for him, but how can I be there for him if I don’t have peace myself? I prayed for the Lord to give me peace, but it hasn’t been immediate. He’s giving it to me in a way where I cry out first, and then peace follows. I need to get over my own hurdles before I can help him and that’s what I’m trying to do right now. It’s been a difficult road for my family ESPECIALLY when our mother doesn’t let us talk about any of it, even to each other. She wants us to keep it a secret from everyone, she wants us bury all our emotions and be robots which has caused all of us so much more pain that it should. This is the first time I’m actually talking about it outside of the family. I guess I feel like I can bring it out on here since none of you don’t know me or my family and it won’t develop into some kind of gossip story as it may if I should talk about it with people in my own church. Even my in-laws don’t even know. I hadn’t even begun grieving for my own dad’s death when I found out about my brother, and my dad had died in 1997. I found out about my brother in 2003. It was only after I had moved to Hawaii in 2004 that I was finally able to grieve my dad’s death, and come this year, I am finally able to come to terms with my brother’s situation and along with it comes an oil tanker full of stuff that could have been dealt with earlier (had it not been for my mom telling us not to talk about it) that has been piling up for too long. It’s very ugly and I’m trying to get rid of it so I could actually help him.

quote:

Of course you will need to figure out how to deal/cope/adjust, but I don't see how you can do that, until you understand what's going on. Which would mean calling your brother and saying, "Explain this to me." And then listen. Don't interrupt. Don't talk about Jesus. Just listen.


I will finally be able to do this. I’m going to start writing him more often. I don’t know his phone number since he’s moved out of my mom’s house. I only have his e-mail address. I really do want to understand what he’s dealing with. I am praying that God will give me the strength and wisdom as He as done in the past.



miasma -> RE: As a Christian I’m having great difficulty… (11/29/2007 4:19:50 PM)

I'm sorry your mom's making it so much harder - but really, I can't imagine her trying to wrap her brain around it. Me, my best friend is gay. I've known people claiming just about every spectrum of the sexuality rainbow one could think of. But for an older woman, having not grown up in a generation where such things are generally accepted and encouraged, I bet it'd be pretty near impossible for her to come to terms with it.


I guess the way I see it, he needs your acceptance, not your approval. I accept my gay friends, or bi friends, or whatever friends, and people I might meet, but I don't have to approve or condone what they do. Just like I don't expect my friends to approve or condone everything I do.



jbow -> RE: As a Christian I’m having great difficulty… (11/29/2007 6:09:46 PM)

quote:

I hand wrote a letter to my brother telling him how I felt a few weeks after I found out. In a nutshell, I told him that no matter what happens that he’ll always be my big brother. I told him that God doesn’t make mistakes, and that he didn’t have to conform to world’s ideas about who or what he is or not just because he has feelings that are feminine. I told him I will always love him just the way God meant to create him. Maybe I shouldn’t have said that….


I think you did the right thing. Enabling him or encouraging him that this is ok cannot help. Someone has to be a voice of sanity and reason.. and it is you. Sometimes love must be tough. I am quite sure there is demonic activity involved, not possession but oppression and deception, making him believe that this is what he want's when it will never bring the fulfillment or acceptance that he is longing for. He is on the wrong path, badly lost and being encouraged by the most vile of people, smiling and encouraging him along the path of humanism.
He need's much prayer. He need's an encounter with Christ or with someone who is in the Spirit, who has the gift of "discerning of spirits", who walk's in power, who can take authority in love. Such a one is hard to find but God can send someone. You should fast and pray. You cannot accept this, you can love your brother but you cannot accept this thing, for it will destroy him or at the very least cause him much misery. It is a classic case of going from the frying pan into the fire.
The spiritual world is mire real than the physical world and you have a means to tap into it. Do not give up, no matter what happens. Lay hold of God and pray for your brother's deliverance and salvation... never give up.

Sorry that I made it all about me. It shouldn’t be. It’s about my brother who’s hurting

It's ok. You are hurting too. Your brother is not here... you are here. I am so sorry for what you are going through, I know your heart must be broken.

Again, I say. He has enough people encouraging and accepting him in this madness. Someone has to both love him and be a voice of reality. You can do that and you can pray. If I were you I would put him on every prayer list I could find... and fast.

RCJames, on this board has a prayer list of about 5,000 holiness people. Send him a PM. They will pray too.

I will pray too.

It may go one and seem as if he is hopeless but God can and will minister to him. Prayer works. God wont force him but God can fight for his soul. God can put people in his life, the Holy Spirit can convict and draw him. God can reach into his heart and call him. He can be saved.

You need HOPE !!! Jesus give's hope. Our Lord is God. There is nothing impossible for Him. Salvation is His business and He is good at it. IT may happen next week or it may happen in 30 years after all seem's lost but YOU never give up. Claim your brother for God, pray for him in faith, trusting God to answer. I will agree with you.

Matthew 18:19
Again, I tell you that if two of you on earth agree about anything you ask for, it will be done for you by my Father in heaven.

We cannot save your brother ourselves but we can agree that God will not give up on him, that God will do whatever it takes to save him.

Sorry for your pain...

J



ladyichigo -> RE: As a Christian I’m having great difficulty… (11/29/2007 7:43:58 PM)

Thank you all for your insight. I know what I have to do, and with a gargantuous amount of help from my Lord and Savior, I will get it done. I will have bouts of whining, kicking and screaming in the process, but I believe God is faithful and God is good and He is and will forever be victorious.

This is just one of those things that will build character in my life.



Walker311 -> RE: As a Christian I’m having great difficulty… (11/29/2007 9:01:30 PM)

If I were in your shoes, I honestly do not think I could be as hopeful and positive as you.

There is a line in an old Andre Crouch song that I often think of... "tell them even if they don't believe it, tell them even if they don't receive it".



ladyichigo -> RE: As a Christian I’m having great difficulty… (11/29/2007 9:16:42 PM)

Walker: Wow. Really? I'm gonna take that as an encouragement. Thank you. I was starting to feel like I wasn't being hopeful enough, or that I wasn't taking the right steps.



born2bme -> RE: As a Christian I’m having great difficulty… (11/30/2007 7:03:45 PM)

quote:

Sorry that I made it all about me. It shouldn’t be.


I would disagree with you on this. This is as much about you as it is him. I know Christians tend to be averse to thinking about themselves first. But I hold firmly to the "I am human and given to human responses to losses in my life" philosophy.

quote:

I prayed for the Lord to give me peace, but it hasn’t been immediate. He’s giving it to me in a way where I cry out first, and then peace follows. I need to get over my own hurdles before I can help him and that’s what I’m trying to do right now.


You have clearly experienced a significant loss and are grieving that loss. I encourage you to grieve the loss of the brother you knew. Give yourself time to heal and do whatever you need (ideally something that you want regret later) to work through the loss. How you are reacting is a very human response. Embrace your humanness and your limitations. As you know, God's strength is made perfect in our weakness. You need to be comforted, too.

quote:

It’s been a difficult road for my family ESPECIALLY when our mother doesn’t let us talk about any of it, even to each other. She wants us to keep it a secret from everyone, she wants us bury all our emotions and be robots which has caused all of us so much more pain that it should. This is the first time I’m actually talking about it outside of the family. I guess I feel like I can bring it out on here since none of you don’t know me or my family and it won’t develop into some kind of gossip story as it may if I should talk about it with people in my own church.


Family secrets are the worst but you need to keep in mind that this is what your mom needs to do for herself to 'keep it together' and get through the day. Remember, she is also grieving the loss of the son she gave birth to possibly mixed with a humongous dose of guilt that she did something wrong to cause her son to want to be a daughter.

You have to give yourself and the rest of your family time to heal. This doesn't mean that you can't give him a call to let him know that you still love him/her but need time.

quote:

Of course you will need to figure out how to deal/cope/adjust, but I don't see how you can do that, until you understand what's going on. Which would mean calling your brother and saying, "Explain this to me." And then listen. Don't interrupt. Don't talk about Jesus. Just listen.


I will finally be able to do this. I’m going to start writing him more often. I don’t know his phone number since he’s moved out of my mom’s house. I only have his e-mail address. I really do want to understand what he’s dealing with. I am praying that God will give me the strength and wisdom as He as done in the past.


I also pray that you will get to the point where you can have a new relationship with your brother. Keep in mind though, that you may never be able to understand what he's dealing with. The nature of grace allows acceptance and love in midst of not knowing or in this case, understanding why your brother has chosen as he hass. Blessings to you and your family.



ladyichigo -> RE: As a Christian I’m having great difficulty… (11/30/2007 8:02:50 PM)

born2bme: Thank you for your encouraging words and for your prayers. As a Christian, at times I do feel like I have no right to be angry or upset and be obligated to think about others before myself. The fact is, I've held on to this type of thinking for almost all my Christian life (20 years), but I look back and I see how numb I had gotten, to the point of not being of help to anyone at all because I haven't dealt with my own things first, or even become resentful for not being allowed to deal with past issues. That is what happened to me when my dad passed away. My mother told me I shouldn't cry or grieve because after all, I wasn't the one that lost a husband. Instead I should comfort her, and take care of the rest if the family. I don't want the same thing happening with me again towards my brother. So, I thank you for for I guess validating my necessity to grieve for my loss.



born2bme -> RE: As a Christian I’m having great difficulty… (11/30/2007 8:49:14 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: ladyichigo

As a Christian, at times I do feel like I have no right to be angry or upset and be obligated to think about others before myself. The fact is, I've held on to this type of thinking for almost all my Christian life (20 years), but I look back and I see how numb I had gotten, to the point of not being of help to anyone at all because I haven't dealt with my own things first, or even become resentful for not being allowed to deal with past issues. That is what happened to me when my dad passed away. My mother told me I shouldn't cry or grieve because after all, I wasn't the one that lost a husband. Instead I should comfort her, and take care of the rest if the family. I don't want the same thing happening with me again towards my brother. So, I thank you for for I guess validating my necessity to grieve for my loss.


Unfortunately, too many Christians feel that they shouldn't cry or grieve when they have experienced a loss. Remember the shortest scripture in the Bible: Jesus wept (Jn 11:35) over the death of his friend Lazarus, the man he would raise from the dead. This wasn't quiet suffering. Jesus bawled about his friend's death.

Also in Ecclesiastes 3:3-5 " a time to tear down and a time to build, a time to weep and a time to laugh, a time to mourn and a time to dance. This is what I turn to when people try to tell me how I should feel.

In my experience, getting support from others when I am grieving is difficult to come by. But hey, God is still good, all the time. It isn't fun though. Give yourself and your family all the time and space you need, keeping in mind that eventually you will be fully reconciled to your brother, just in a different way.



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