RE: Is Marriage all about sex? (Full Version)

All Forums >> [Life] >> Marriage



Message

lea84 -> RE: Is Marriage all about sex? (2/20/2008 12:35:24 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: 3cappuccinosmom

Is marriage all about sex?

Not hardly. [8D]

How sad that your friends seem to think it is.

Sin and selfishness are what cause marriages to fail. And sex and money are two things that it's easy to be selfish about. [;)] If you and the man you marry each make every effort to love and please the other before you please yourself, neither of you will feel used or neglected. So pick your man wisely.



That's what I always figured. Somehow, sex gets thrown into the issues with money, family, quality time, etc.

quote:

ORIGINAL: 3cappuccinosmom

If these are female friends, I'm wondering if they're telling you this because they view their husband's as sex-maniacs and themselves have rather lost interest in it? It seems to be a common problem.

I can see a situation like that making someone feel like its' all about sex. [&:]


I have a very strong feeling that the situation you outlined above is exactly what most of these women's problems are. And for some reason, they feel the need to "warn" me...

quote:

ORIGINAL: Auben

Marriage is not all about sex, but sex is a very strong means of connection between a couple. If its not something you're interested in, I would recommend you not marry.


I'm not interested in sex right now, but what if I wanted to marry for companionship and love? I don't know...I'm a little confused right now.[&:]

quote:

ORIGINAL: lanalounsbury

Secondly maybe you've been gifted by God to be celibate and have him alone as your husband? Maybe, like Paul and many of the apostles, you are gifted to be single and are therefore able to serve God wholeheartedly without the distractions of sex and the burdens of family?


But what if I don't want to spend my life as a single celibate? To be honest that would make me really sad...because I know what it's like to have strong feelings for someone and to be in love and to think that I would live life without that doesn't make me jump for joy. It was especially difficult seeing all those couples on Valentine's Day, and even just anytime. And I also want to have a family too...I like children and babies too much to not ever have one. So now I am doubly confused...

quote:

ORIGINAL: Tameko

To the question at hand. You really don't know what you like sexually. If you never had sex.


Well, you're certainly right about that. This is where I am very, very confused and wish my friends had never opened their mouths to me. They tell me that sex is super important to a marriage and that chastity is overrated (yes one of them revealed TMI to me about how she wished she hadn't been a virgin on her wedding night, and how I should give it to someone I'm in love with, but won't marry) and that I should try to not be such a prude. But as a Christian, we're supposed to be chaste...but how am I ever supposed to know if I'm a sexual person if I never have sex until marriage? All I've ever done was kiss a guy and hold hands and cuddle while watching chick flicks. But that isn't anything compared to the wedding night. [X(]

quote:

ORIGINAL: Tameko

It is important to be compatible . If his sex drive is a 10 and you a 2. You are going to have problem.


So...how am I supposed to know (or anyone for that matter) if we're compatible sexually if we don't have sex first? You can't judge sexual compatibility based on affection like hugging, kissing, and holding hands, can you? At least, that's not what I've been told. Suppose you two are a match with everything else, but his sex drive is 10 and yours is a 2-- do you break up and look for someone with a 2 as well? And how do you even know what your sex drive is if you've never had sex??!?! I don't even know if I have a sex drive!

quote:

ORIGINAL: stellaluna

You've gotten really good answers for your question already, but I want to say something about this:

quote:

ORIGINAL: ael84
Alright maybe I shouldn't be asking this question because I'm not married and shouldn't be thinking about this.

It is perfectly fine and normal and perhaps even desirable to be thinking about this. Don't be fooled into thinking that to remain "pure" you have to banish any thought or discussion or feeling or whatever about sex from your life.


Well...I don't know. I was always taught that being pure meant not thinking about sex or wanting it until you were married. I was once even told by an older lady that I had no business thinking or talking about sex. So yeah now I'm not sure of anything.



captainfraulein -> RE: Is Marriage all about sex? (2/20/2008 1:35:59 AM)

You may be hung up over something. There may be a past issue somewhere in your history. You seem to be having a fear of having sex in marriage. I think unless you find that one guy in zillion who does not burn with desire (and hence wants to get you into bed the godly way, by marrying you), then you might be miserable unless you focus on finding out right now why you are scared of this thing called sex. It is a form of communication between two people in marriage.

Of course, I am so not saying that other things are not important...the communication in words is key. The unselfish acts and kindness. The man having patience with you whenever you get emotional for example is like Christ loving the church. Submission is also a scary thing for a woman. You may find your fear diminishing if you find a guy who will honor you and treat you tenderly, with kindness.

And I have heard a lot of scary things about marriage too but honestly I am old enough now in my life that I have seen marriages fall apart I thought would last and stay together that I thought would not.

One key thing is that I have mentors in my life...Titus 2 type women who give me great advise and also have addressed questions like yours. I too have heard some weird things. One lady told me that the marriage bed should be a delight and that she has never refused her husband except for illness (for sex) since she puts his needs above her own. She also enjoys a great sex life she says. She told me that her college friend complained about what a chore sex was and expected her to join in the complaints...and her friend could not get her head around the fact my Titus 2 woman loved sex with her husband. She is madly in love with her husband though even after 25 years of marriage or more.

So she is my mentor and in marriage...that is what my goal would be, to put my husband above all my needs. Not to be selfish and deny him. If I must deny him on physical grounds or extremely having the blues, in a funk I can't seem to get out of...I would communicate-communicate-communicate and at least reassure him as much as I could. I have seen some men shattered by their wives...even heard them complain about it! (that is another story...but it was at a church that broke up and was terribly immature in spiritual growth).

I would never want a man to feel that way. It is a very important emotional need for most men.

You may find a man who it is not. But I think you would have an easier time getting struck by lightning while in a plane coming home from VEGAS after winning the jackpot honestly.



Lycea -> RE: Is Marriage all about sex? (2/20/2008 7:31:45 PM)

No marriage is not all about sex. But it is not Not about sex either.
Sex can be good, it can be bad, it can be indifferent. And if you wait until you are married to have it, at least you won't have any comparison in the back of your mind. Keep your boundaries where they are right for you. As long as your goal is to be pure before the Lord, you are on the right track.
I would start to ask questions if you start to characterize sex as entirely bad, impure, etc. That is when you have difficulty with sex after marriage. It can be hard to move sex from the forbidden category to the yippee category overnight, and for some it takes longer. And that is ok. But if there is a complete inability to consider sex, I would have to ask what the underlying issues are--abuse, bad past experience with men, former teaching associating sex with shame, etc. Those things can cause some serious long-term problems if they are not dealt with.
I would agree with other posters that you need to be completely honest with whomever you date/court/become engaged to about your views or insecurities in relation to sex. You need to agree, and be clear about what you are willing to change or compromise on. That way expectations are clear.



lea84 -> RE: Is Marriage all about sex? (2/23/2008 6:16:45 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: redwhiterose

You may be hung up over something.


I find it strange and oftentimes disconcerting that unless a single person is jumping for joy about sex or really wants it, they must have a "hang up". And to be quite honest, that offends me along with many other people I'm sure who are single as well. It's difficult to stay pure as a single person when all around you, the world and other Christians are saying "sex".

The people who I know who are married constantly tell me about how I should wait until I'm in my 30's to get married because marriage is all about sex, and they weren't ready for the responsibility and by then (according to a couple of them) a man's sex drive would go down so it's not like you're attacked every minute. And then I have single friends who are virgins and nonvirgins telling me that marriage is all about sex, and men need it regardless of how we are feeling or want to do. Apparently women's bodies were simply made to serve and pleasure men, and if you aren't happy doing that, don't get married. I didn't realize that was the plan that was intended for everyone who was a married woman.

quote:

ORIGINAL: redwhiterose

Submission is also a scary thing for a woman.


So a good wife submits to sex? Even if she's "not in the mood" or doesn't wish to be intimate that way? To be honest, that sounds like an object...and if that's true, no wonder my friends are complaining. [&:]I wouldn't want to be treated like an object or happily indulge in wanting to be treated like one either.


quote:

ORIGINAL: Lycea

No marriage is not all about sex. But it is not Not about sex either.
Sex can be good, it can be bad, it can be indifferent. And if you wait until you are married to have it, at least you won't have any comparison in the back of your mind. Keep your boundaries where they are right for you. As long as your goal is to be pure before the Lord, you are on the right track.


I don't have a problem with staying pure until marriage and personally I think it's logical to stay pure until marriage. But the issue I've been encountering is that in my mind, I had a different idea of what marriage would be like and all I hear is that sex is a chore, and that's pretty much the glue of what keeps a marriage together.

quote:

ORIGINAL: Lycea

I would start to ask questions if you start to characterize sex as entirely bad, impure, etc.


It's not that I'm categorizing sex as bad or any of those things. I'm still single but the messages I'm getting about it are negative. It seems that unless you are thinking about it as often as your husband is, it becomes a chore and if you don't submit to it (regardless of how you are feeling), you're being a bad wife.

I don't forsee myself courting anyone soon in the future but I personally don't think it's an appropriate thing to discuss with someone unless you were engaged and well on your way to getting married. At least then, you'd have to talk about marriage expectations.



3cappuccinosmom -> RE: Is Marriage all about sex? (2/23/2008 6:44:34 AM)

quote:

So a good wife submits to sex? Even if she's "not in the mood" or doesn't wish to be intimate that way? To be honest, that sounds like an object...and if that's true, no wonder my friends are complaining.


A good wife cares for her husband above herself (and a good husband cares for his wife above himself, which is why who you pick is very, very, very important!). The Bible commands us not to deny our spouse, and that goes both ways. At times, that may mean taking 15 minutes in the bath at the end of the day to relax so that the wife can enjoy intimacy, and sometimes it may mean taking joy in pleasing her husband. I pity the husband who's sex-life is dictated by his wife's "moods", instead of dictated by a mutual desire to please each other.
Likewise, there will be times when a wife needs non-sexual affection from her husband--a hug, some comforting, hand-holding, and a good husband will do that because he loves his wife, even if he himself doesn't have an overwhelming emotional desire to behave that way. And a good husband is sensitive to his wife's state of being and doesn't push sex when he knows she's not well.
I speak this from experience. I have three children under 5 years old, so there are certainly nights when I'd rather sleep than do anything else. But if I chose to deny my husband every time I felt that way, he might as well leave and join a monastary. [8D] However, I have found that if I am mentally grumbling and complaining and thinking only of how much I want to sleep, then it is no fun and I do end up feeling used. That's a bad cycle to get into. If I focus on the fact that he still finds me attractive and wants to be close to me and loves me so much, I actually quite enjoy it. And on his part, he is not a touchy-feely kind of guy. He could live his entire life without a hug or holding anyone's hand. He "doesn't feel like it" at just about any given time. I am thankful that he doesn't rely on his moods to tell him when I need a hug, and he is willing to give me the non-sexual touch that I need any time I ask because he loves me and wants to meet my needs. When these things are done out of love and care for the other, they are not a "chore", nor do they objectify anyone.

Good marriage and good sex is about giving. Two people who are more concerned about each other than themselves will have a heavenly marriage. You asked earlier how you can know you're "compatible" in bed with the man you marry, if you're celibate beforehand. The thing is, libidos change. Women's change a lot, due to hormones, emotions, stress, babies, and sometimes for no apparent reason at all [;)]. So "compatibility" during a dating relationship is not an indicator of compatibility later on--it's really a rather shallow measure. Be a godly woman, and marry a godly man who is selfless and concerned about your needs, and you will find yourselves growing into "compatibility" in that area along with everything else.



Lycea -> RE: Is Marriage all about sex? (2/23/2008 9:25:54 PM)

I think sometimes married women are just looking for someone to complain to. If they really have that big of an issue with sex, the person they need to be talking to is their husband.

Yes, we are not to deny each other our bodies, but we are not to demand or force or emotionally/spiritually blackmail our partner into sex either. If those women's husbands are bullying them into sex, that is wrong. If wives deny their husbands just because they aren't particularly in the mood, or because their husband didn't do something they wanted, or they are holding out on him until he does something for them, that is wrong too. If there is a legitimate reason not to have sex, though that is different. Women who have just had babies, or who have children that aren't sleeping through the night, that is hard. They can become so exhausted that demanding sex is really rather ridiculous. If the woman is sick or having physical issues, the husband needs to respect that.

AND SEX IS NOT ALWAYS A CHORE!

Sometimes it is fun. Sometimes it is silly. Sometimes it is serious. Sometimes it is passionate.
Mostly it is a way to connect with your spouse.

In other words, if your married friends are freaking you out, tell them to stop! And don't worry about it until you are getting ready for marriage yourself.



buckifn -> RE: Is Marriage all about sex? (2/23/2008 9:35:14 PM)

Think of it this way...if you were in a 12 hour surgery would your husband be out worrying about where and when he could next have sex? Or you, if the situation were reversed?



LoyalFriend -> RE: Is Marriage all about sex? (2/24/2008 5:24:53 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: DaveW

I have heard this quote:

If the sex is good it is about 10% of the marriage.
If the sex is bad, it is about 90% of the marriage.
This is very true. When we first got married we never talked about it, because we were plenty happy.[;)]

Now I bring up the lack of it to my husband and sex is discussed and thought about frequently.



lea84 -> RE: Is Marriage all about sex? (2/26/2008 2:34:27 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: 3cappuccinosmom

quote:

So a good wife submits to sex? Even if she's "not in the mood" or doesn't wish to be intimate that way? To be honest, that sounds like an object...and if that's true, no wonder my friends are complaining.


A good wife cares for her husband above herself (and a good husband cares for his wife above himself, which is why who you pick is very, very, very important!). The Bible commands us not to deny our spouse, and that goes both ways. At times, that may mean taking 15 minutes in the bath at the end of the day to relax so that the wife can enjoy intimacy, and sometimes it may mean taking joy in pleasing her husband. I pity the husband who's sex-life is dictated by his wife's "moods", instead of dictated by a mutual desire to please each other.
Likewise, there will be times when a wife needs non-sexual affection from her husband--a hug, some comforting, hand-holding, and a good husband will do that because he loves his wife, even if he himself doesn't have an overwhelming emotional desire to behave that way. And a good husband is sensitive to his wife's state of being and doesn't push sex when he knows she's not well.


Okay...this brings alot of ease to my mind. I always hear about how husbbands try to coerce their wives into having sex even though the wife is mentally and physically exhausted, or because the husband didn't (or most likely forgot) to take care of some chores, she withholds sex, or something along those lines, and I can see how those situations can be "denial".

I also bolded an important statement. I suppose these problems stem from a couple issues: lack of understanding/empathy and lack of wanting to fulfill your spouse's needs. So in other words, there is a lacking of something else which seems to spill over into the aspect of intimacy.


quote:

ORIGINAL: 3cappuccinosmom

You asked earlier how you can know you're "compatible" in bed with the man you marry, if you're celibate beforehand. The thing is, libidos change. Women's change a lot, due to hormones, emotions, stress, babies, and sometimes for no apparent reason at all [;)]. So "compatibility" during a dating relationship is not an indicator of compatibility later on--it's really a rather shallow measure. Be a godly woman, and marry a godly man who is selfless and concerned about your needs, and you will find yourselves growing into "compatibility" in that area along with everything else.


I was once told that compatibility was overrated because people change. And this was coming from a man who has been married to his wife for now, 31 years. He also said that he isn't the same person he was when he first got married, and neither was his wife. So I suppose that would cover all areas of married life.

You always hear about the wordly standard of "sleep together before getting married." In fact on facebook, there is actually a group called "girls shouldn't wait until marriage, or they might get the short end of the stick." And unfortunately, even in Christian culture we sometimes hear about those similar things.

And I also suppose it's very true that libidos change and the way people express affection change. I've seen guys who rarely gave hugs become very "huggable" after they got married, and even more so after they had a child :) I've also seen girls who like me, were called "prudes" who rarely wanted to express intimate affection become more at ease after getting married, and likewise also after having children.

Okay so this makes me see things in a much better light. Maybe I should tell my friends to can in the next time they start. Or better yet, refer them to a pastor?

quote:

ORIGINAL: buckifn

Think of it this way...if you were in a 12 hour surgery would your husband be out worrying about where and when he could next have sex? Or you, if the situation were reversed?


Um I would be VERY worried about their well-being. If I had a husband who just came out of a surgery, I'd be concerned with how well they would heal, any potential complications, what the next month's care should be like, how much work I should take off, etc. Why in the world would I (or my husband) be worried about when to have sex next?



3cappuccinosmom -> RE: Is Marriage all about sex? (2/26/2008 7:50:01 PM)

quote:

So in other words, there is a lacking of something else which seems to spill over into the aspect of intimacy.


Exactly. Both coercion and denial are self-serving, and *that* is the problem, not "too much" or "too little" sex.

I think it's worth saying again that good marriage and good sex is dependent on both people dying to themselves and each seeking the good/pleasure of the other.



captainfraulein -> RE: Is Marriage all about sex? (2/26/2008 9:09:40 PM)

One of my newly wed friends told me she has some unspoken communication for her husband in regards to sex. She turns the sock inside out in the hall cabinet if she desires to make love. If she is not in the mood, she does not turn the sock inside out. Her husband did this to make it easy for her to say no...he was afraid of pushing her into sex, I guess.

I found it downright depressing. A husband coming home from work and getting hung up on the sock in the cabinet.

I got advise from a friend of mine that enjoys an active sex life with her husband even with 20 something year old kids and grandbabys...

She tries to always meet his important emotional need as much as she can. Out of respect and love.

I am not married so married ladies say all this better than me...but I think it is all about love and being self-less. Not being an "object".



3cappuccinosmom -> RE: Is Marriage all about sex? (2/27/2008 7:44:56 AM)

quote:

She turns the sock inside out in the hall cabinet if she desires to make love. If she is not in the mood, she does not turn the sock inside out.


Wow. [&:] So they have just reversed what they were afraid of. Instead of the husband controlling their sex life according to his desires, the wife is controlling it according to her desires.

quote:

I am not married so married ladies say all this better than me...but I think it is all about love and being self-less. Not being an "object".


You are right. [:D]



lea84 -> RE: Is Marriage all about sex? (2/27/2008 8:31:30 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: redwhiterose

I am not married so married ladies say all this better than me...but I think it is all about love and being self-less. Not being an "object".


The reason I brought the whole objectifying issue is not only because of all the complaints I've heard from married people, but also due to something I saw in a women's forum a long time ago regarding premarital sex and virginity.

The topic was about whether or not it was worth it to wait until marriage, and a woman in her mid-20's who was divorced talked about how she came from a very strict Baptist family and when she was married a virgin at age 20 (or 21, I can't remember) she said she could barely go to bed without wearing a large t-shirt and long pajama pants including a sports bra because her husband wanted to have sex all the time, and apparently he put it as "I've waited so long for it, so I want it all the time." From the way the poster was talking about it, it seems like she felt like an object and had to worry about her husband wanting sex all the time without any regard to her feelings. And apparently, two years later they were divorced, sex being an issue leading to that divorce.

I think it's great that it's all about being selfless and love, but I know marriage is not an idealistic dream world and we all have our days...perhaps more than others. But honestly...if I was married and was really tired a lot or didn't want to do anything intimate or sexual, yet I had a husband pushing for me to be, I wouldn't feel attractive or receptive, I'd just feel like an object. So in a way, I can see how people would feel that way.



3cappuccinosmom -> RE: Is Marriage all about sex? (2/27/2008 8:48:41 PM)

quote:

was married a virgin at age 20 (or 21, I can't remember) she said she could barely go to bed without wearing a large t-shirt and long pajama pants including a sports bra because her husband wanted to have sex all the time, and apparently he put it as "I've waited so long for it, so I want it all the time."


Which is pretty normal for a newly wed (wanting it all the time[;)]).

Instead of giving him the cold shoulder, communication would have been a really good idea at that point. [&:]

The other thing is feelings. It's good to have feelings. But for them to rule our lives can be not so good, and from what I have observed, we women have a tendency to allow runaway feelings to do a whole heck of a lot of damage to ourselves and others. And we often train ourselves to feel a certain way. Hubby wants intimacy all the time, and instead of training her mind towards being happy that he is attracted to her, she makes a mental list of all the reasons she doesn't want it, then gets angry at him, and sex becomes a chore.
I'm not saying that husband's don't need to learn sensitivity and care for their wives, not at all. But speaking as a woman, I know my weaknesses and I have been on both sides (feeling bitter/used and feeling happy that my husband enjoys me). I have to say, learning to take pleasure in making God and my husband happy has ended up with *me* being a happier person.



DaveW -> RE: Is Marriage all about sex? (2/28/2008 7:12:25 AM)

quote:

Is Marriage all about sex?
No. But it is important. As I have heard quoted: if the sex is good it is 10% of the marriage. If the sex is bad, it is 90% of the marriage.
quote:

But what if I don't want to spend my life as a single celibate? To be honest that would make me really sad...because I know what it's like to have strong feelings for someone and to be in love and to think that I would live life without that doesn't make me jump for joy. It was especially difficult seeing all those couples on Valentine's Day, and even just anytime. And I also want to have a family too...I like children and babies too much to not ever have one. So now I am doubly confused...
The church (specifically the Catholic church) has idolized celebacy over the last thousand years (at least). Celebacy is a true charismatic gift but it is rare. The fact that you desire romance and children is proof enough that you probably don't have it.

quote:

Well, you're certainly right about that. This is where I am very, very confused and wish my friends had never opened their mouths to me. They tell me that sex is super important to a marriage and that chastity is overrated (yes one of them revealed TMI to me about how she wished she hadn't been a virgin on her wedding night, and how I should give it to someone I'm in love with, but won't marry) and that I should try to not be such a prude. But as a Christian, we're supposed to be chaste...but how am I ever supposed to know if I'm a sexual person if I never have sex until marriage? All I've ever done was kiss a guy and hold hands and cuddle while watching chick flicks. But that isn't anything compared to the wedding night.

Yeah, that was TMI. As a single christian you are supposed to "contain," IOW find a way to redemptively manage your sexuality without commiting fornication or adultery. (IOW - don't have sex with someone until married) We have come up with these words "chaste," etc that I intentionally did not use because other non-biblical definitions have been added to them.
quote:

So...how am I supposed to know (or anyone for that matter) if we're compatible sexually if we don't have sex first? You can't judge sexual compatibility based on affection like hugging, kissing, and holding hands, can you? At least, that's not what I've been told. Suppose you two are a match with everything else, but his sex drive is 10 and yours is a 2-- do you break up and look for someone with a 2 as well? And how do you even know what your sex drive is if you've never had sex??!?! I don't even know if I have a sex drive!
Male and female sexuality function very differently. For one thing, having frequent sex decreases a man's drive while frequent good sex increases a woman's drive. One of the great things in that design is that you (as a woman) can vary yours up or down with some work to match your husband.
quote:

Well...I don't know. I was always taught that being pure meant not thinking about sex or wanting it until you were married. I was once even told by an older lady that I had no business thinking or talking about sex. So yeah now I'm not sure of anything.
That is the victorian prudish attitude of the last 2 centuries that has been promoted by the church (even protestant) and is not based in scripture or the culture of the writers of the bible. Sorry but that is entirely wrong and causes more problems than it solves. The theory is that if you don't think about sex you will never get desires and if you have no desires you will not fornicate. The problem is that a certain base-line desire is there in both men and women that is entirely hormonal in nature and God WILL NOT take that away because HE put it there.
quote:

The people who I know who are married constantly tell me about how I should wait until I'm in my 30's to get married because marriage is all about sex, and they weren't ready for the responsibility and by then (according to a couple of them) a man's sex drive would go down so it's not like you're attacked every minute. And then I have single friends who are virgins and nonvirgins telling me that marriage is all about sex, and men need it regardless of how we are feeling or want to do. Apparently women's bodies were simply made to serve and pleasure men, and if you aren't happy doing that, don't get married. I didn't realize that was the plan that was intended for everyone who was a married woman.
Yeah, I assume these are women saying to wait until 30. Interesting age to pick.

FACT: Peak sex drive for US males is age 18. Peak sex drive for US females is 33.

DO men need sex? Of course. But without all the negative baggage that your "friends" seem to be loading you down with, so do women. Actually women seem to need it more than men.

Which brings me to another point that has been ENTIRELY lost in the modern church world and that is the biblical mindset concerning sex that was the common understanding of the NT authors:

Sex is a wife's right and a husband's duty.

This is based on a verse in Ex 21 where it talks about a man taking 2 wives. Even if the first is a slave, he cannot reduce her food, clothing or sex. If that applies to a slave, how much more to a free wife?

This is the mentality that Paul was raised with, as well as Peter, John, James, Matthew, etc. In fact, the Talmud (the written down version of Jewish oral tradition going back to the time of Ezra and Nehemiah) if the husband was well off financially and worked close to home he was to provide sex daily to his wife. If he had to travel, they had a whole list of how often he was required to provide services and she could take him to court to legally punish him if he did not.



DaveW -> RE: Is Marriage all about sex? (2/28/2008 10:19:51 AM)

One thing I left off of that was this: what our attitude is supposed to be in having sex with our spouse: "I want to please you as absolutely as much as I possibly can because I love you."

That pretty much sums up much of what Paul wrote in 1 Cor 7 about this.

Of course that attitude should be in everything we do, to the Lord first and also to our spouse.



LoyalFriend -> RE: Is Marriage all about sex? (2/28/2008 1:09:59 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: DaveW
DO men need sex? Of course. But without all the negative baggage that your "friends" seem to be loading you down with, so do women. Actually women seem to need it more than men.
Never heard a man actually say this before outloud or in print. I agree that I need it.



lea84 -> RE: Is Marriage all about sex? (3/1/2008 2:27:51 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: DaveW

quote:

Is Marriage all about sex?
No. But it is important. As I have heard quoted: if the sex is good it is 10% of the marriage. If the sex is bad, it is 90% of the marriage.


I've seen this issue go across the board, and not just with sex. I constantly hear that money is a huge issue, family-in-law involvement is a huge issue, how couples choose to spend their free time is a huge issue, etc. It seems that when a married couple are constantly fighting about important matters, it's hard for them to make distinctions between other areas of their life as well. One of my married friends (the good kind who doesn't share TMI and in fact, always gushes to me about how great being married is) told me about how in the first few months of their marriage, her husband's family continued to be controlling about how they were going to spend their life and that overshadowed every other aspect of their marriage. But once they took care of that issue, everything fell into place.

quote:

ORIGINAL: DaveW
The church (specifically the Catholic church) has idolized celebacy over the last thousand years (at least). Celebacy is a true charismatic gift but it is rare. The fact that you desire romance and children is proof enough that you probably don't have it.


It's funny you say that because if I had never met my old boyfriend, I would have been very confident that I did have it.

quote:

ORIGINAL: DaveW

Yeah, I assume these are women saying to wait until 30. Interesting age to pick.

FACT: Peak sex drive for US males is age 18. Peak sex drive for US females is 33.

DO men need sex? Of course. But without all the negative baggage that your "friends" seem to be loading you down with, so do women. Actually women seem to need it more than men.


Yeah 30 is an interesting age. What's more interesting is that a lot of these women who have told me happen to also be divorced. They all insist that waiting until your 30's is the best thing to do because then you "really know who you are". Apparently waiting until your 30's is becoming quite a trend that is being proposed by lots of divorced adults. I'm not sure why, but it's not the first time I've heard it, nor was she the first person I heard it from either. She just happened to try to give some sort of explanation, as lame as I thought it was.

quote:

ORIGINAL: DaveW

Which brings me to another point that has been ENTIRELY lost in the modern church world and that is the biblical mindset concerning sex that was the common understanding of the NT authors:

Sex is a wife's right and a husband's duty.

This is based on a verse in Ex 21 where it talks about a man taking 2 wives. Even if the first is a slave, he cannot reduce her food, clothing or sex. If that applies to a slave, how much more to a free wife?

This is the mentality that Paul was raised with, as well as Peter, John, James, Matthew, etc. In fact, the Talmud (the written down version of Jewish oral tradition going back to the time of Ezra and Nehemiah) if the husband was well off financially and worked close to home he was to provide sex daily to his wife. If he had to travel, they had a whole list of how often he was required to provide services and she could take him to court to legally punish him if he did not.


Interesting...I think that's something I'm going to have to look into more. I'm also glad to see that a guy gave his perspective as well.

I always hear the "you should test drive a person first" before you marry them, because apparently that would eliminate all the problems that the married ladies have been revealing to me about. In fact, it was a "Christian" woman who tried to convince me of this, but I doubt that she was really Christian considering that she also considered herself a "pagan" as well[>:]



carl54 -> RE: Is Marriage all about sex? (3/1/2008 6:56:12 AM)

Is marriage all about sex? Absolutely not. My wife and I have been married to each other for thirty years and and we still enjoy sex tremendously. What makes sex work in marriage are the healthy non-sexual things that occur between me and my wife. Love IS above all things (1 Cor 13). Love strips away all the negative attitudes that lead to selfishness and problems in marriage. Love makes us seek the goog of someone else above our own. It makes us want to give/bring (pleasure, happiness, sexual satisfaction, etc.) to others rather than seek our own.

But there is a physical side to loving - individuals have different sexual desires and the mechanics have to be learned. You don't have to engage in premarital sex, but you should talk about sexual attitudes with your prospect just to make sure they have healthy sexual views. My wife and I waited until marriage before having sex and we went from 0 to 100 (no sex to a lot) overnight. We engaged in heavy petting before we got marriage, just enough to know we had healthy sexual appetites so the transition to having sex was easy. Concerning the mechanics, much too much is written/said about it. Over the past 30 years we've just tried different things and we continue to to this date. [:)]

Your head is in the right place and God will bless you for it. Make sure you love the one you choose, make sure he is a true believer, make sure he loves you wildly -- the rest will work itself out.

God bless!



DChap -> RE: Is Marriage all about sex? (5/2/2008 7:55:46 PM)

I'm praying for you. You sound confused.

Relax. Guys (and probably most women) don't like being around women who constantly stress and obsess about things they can't change or influence in any way. So stop! Stop worrying. Read the Word, make yourself into the woman you want to become and relax. When the right relationship comes around then you can talk with that man about how you both will handle a sexual relationship in marriage.

Until then let it chill and have fun with the male acquaintances in your life. I guarantee that's what they want!



Konstantinos -> RE: Is Marriage all about sex? (5/2/2008 8:25:39 PM)

the reason to start a marriage is sex.

why get married if you wouldnt have sex?

might as well keep being friends. best friends, know everything about each other and trust each other completely with anything, love each other more than anyone but God... but if you are not gonna have sex why get married?

it doesnt mean its the most important thing, but if you dont have lust/crush/want to have sex or wahtever you wanna call it there is no reason to.



Ashyah -> RE: Is Marriage all about sex? (5/3/2008 12:20:38 PM)

I am wondering how old you are?

I agree with others that if intimacy is good then it is not about it. But, if it is bad then it is about it.

A married relationship is not all about the physical. It is about the emotional and the physical.Showing concern about your partners needs. Growing old together. Love is all about that.



broken2live4him -> RE: Is Marriage all about sex? (5/3/2008 1:41:12 PM)

marriage is not all about sex. sex is part of marriage, but if that is all the couple has, that is sad. there is so much more to marriage like being married to your best friend, COMMUNICATION is a big thing, still dating each other, having Christ as the center of the marriage. i'm sorry your friends feel the way they feel about marriage. marriage is such a blessing, not to be abused or entered into lightly



Konstantinos -> RE: Is Marriage all about sex? (5/3/2008 5:12:31 PM)

im almost 20

and i wasnt disagreeing with you

quote:

it doesnt mean its the most important thing, but if you dont have lust/crush/want to have sex or wahtever you wanna call it there is no reason to.


the most important thing is to have a relationship focused around God, to love each other, trust each other and make each other grow as christians.

but all of these.. you dont have to be married to do them anyway with anyone. who forbids you from doing them???



Galilee -> RE: Is Marriage all about sex? (5/4/2008 9:15:09 AM)

I'm 43 and I understand what Konstantinos is talking about.

If you look at all of a person's needs (men or women), the ONLY NEED that cannot be met by anyone except your spouse is their sexual needs.

If a person's need is communication, they can get that from their friends, co-workers, whatever.
If a person's need is affirmation, they can get that from work, if he does a good job.

A person can literally get every single need met, outside of a need for sex, from someone besides their spouse, and still be completely inside the will of God (ie not be in sin).

However, the need for sex can only be met, in God's eyes, by your spouse.

Therefore, if you do not want to have sex, there is almost no reason to get married. Because every need except that can be met outside of the bonds of marriage.

Now, I am not saying marriage is all about sex. It isn't. However, it is one of the main reasons to get married in the first place. Because you can be best friends and meet every need each other has. Except one.



Page: <<   < prev  1 [2] 3   next >   >>



Forum Software © ASPPlayground.NET Advanced Edition 2.5 ANSI