Distancing Myself (Full Version)

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PammieL -> Distancing Myself (2/11/2008 7:24:02 PM)

I have this family member who has made me miserable my whole life. She is dominating, controlling, manipulative, and can put a guilt-trip on me in a heartbeat. She has to always be right, and will not listen to any other points of view unless they jive with hers. She is never satisfied, and I can never do anything right or to please her. I have bowed down to her will my whole life, but after a huge incident this past summer, I have decided I cannot allow her to do these things to me anymore. I have really made myself unavailable to her now and have kept my distance. I don't run to visit at every beck and call, I barely call either and when she calls me, I keep things short and sweet. Whenever I hear her voice, or see her name on my caller ID, or even think about her/going to her house, I LITERALLY get so nervous that my stomach gets upset and I am a nervous wreck. I just wish she'd leave me alone.

However, I am feeling guilty. [sm=hammerhead.gif] I feel like I am not following one of the commandments to honor. Is it ok to distance myself from this negative person? Of course, if she really needed me, I would go, but I don't want to let her control and manipulate me any longer. I don't think Jesus would want us to associate with people who drag us down or use their negativity to make us negative too. I feel I am being unforgiving....can I forgive her but still keep her at a distance?

Thanks in advance for your comments/advice!



GodsProperty18 -> RE: Distancing Myself (2/11/2008 7:36:27 PM)

I think you absolutely can distance yourself from her without all the guilt. You should pray for her and examine yourself to make sure you have truly forgiven her. I have had friends like this that I have had to distance myself from. The Bible tells us not to be unequally yoked, and though it hurts, sometimes the best thing is to just back away.



deermousie -> RE: Distancing Myself (2/11/2008 7:53:03 PM)

To honor in the Hebrew means "to weigh" or "consider as weighty." You have weighed this person and found her destructive.



HisCovenant -> RE: Distancing Myself (2/11/2008 8:36:11 PM)

I agree.

You have to set up barriers between yourself and those who want to take advantage of your goodness. There is nothing to feel guilty about, if you think God is calling you to remove her from your life. There are times He does that, even for a parent. I am assuming this is your mother or grandmother from your comments about honor. You can still be there if this person has a true need, but as a Christian it is not your place to encourage sins like manipulation, lying, lording-over by pretending they aren't destructive.

When you do have to be around her, don't take what she says to heart and know she isn't trustworthy; she has ulterior motives. Be polite, patient, gentle, and calm. Rest in your good behavior and clean heart which will please God. Follow Him and don't worry about her approval. I hope the more you distance yourself that your physical reactions will diminish. My father is a manipulator and I have experienced this to a mild degree around him. The less often I am around him, the less nervous I get when I know I will have to spend time around him (like at holidays.) But I don't have any real advice about that... I am just fortunate the fear has diminished.

You can forgive someone without reconciliation. Forgiveness takes your commitment... reconciliation takes both of your commitment. To me, forgiveness means you are willing to reconcile if she ever repents (that includes changing her behavioral habits, not just her being sorry you are hurt.)



crystalblue -> RE: Distancing Myself (2/12/2008 6:30:20 AM)

To allow some one to emotionally abuse you, is to enable their behaviour. That doesn't bless them because it encourages their sin.



preserved -> RE: Distancing Myself (2/12/2008 1:56:50 PM)

Yes you can distant yourself..You are avoiding that contentious spirit..



jenny61 -> RE: Distancing Myself (2/13/2008 4:08:26 PM)

Don't feel guilty about this person, Iwas feeling guilty too about a situation that happen not to long ago but now I feel much better that the problem is gone . My prayer is that whoever is making you feel this way ,that God will give you strenght to stand up and say what you are really feeling about them only do it in a Christain way. Let them know how you feel about things but let them know you love them .God wants us to love everyone but we don't have to put up with abuse, with mouth or any other way. T hank You Jesus.



PammieL -> RE: Distancing Myself (2/13/2008 4:39:30 PM)

Thank you for your replies.

I wish I could talk this out with this person, but she becomes immediately defensive and angry anytime anyone tries to talk to her about her behavior. She honestly doesn't think that she is ever wrong about anything! Then the crying starts....

I find it easier to just engage in "small talk" when I have to, and stay away from her the rest of the time.

She likes to send little gifts too... like a peace offering or out of guilt??? I really don't like accepting ANYTHING from her because there are ALWAYS strings attached. How can I tactfully tell her I don't want anything from her????



HisCovenant -> RE: Distancing Myself (2/13/2008 4:47:11 PM)

Just politely accept the gifts with a thank you. You don't have to reciprocate. Once she sees you don't respond to the gifts with the reaction she wants, she'll either stop giving them or you will know that the motives were more pure than you thought.



rmp2praise -> RE: Distancing Myself (4/13/2008 7:28:30 AM)

i am new here and hope i am doing this correctly[:)] i come from another country and was comforted reading the situation you were in. God used your situation to make me see i am not alone (1cor.10:13). i cried because i saw how personal God is and sang for joy [sm=icon_smile_sing.gif] [sm=icon_smile_sing.gif] I wonder how are you now that it's been two months?



deermousie -> RE: Distancing Myself (4/13/2008 10:18:26 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: PammieLI wish I could talk this out with this person, but she becomes immediately defensive and angry anytime anyone tries to talk to her about her behavior. She honestly doesn't think that she is ever wrong about anything! Then the crying starts....


This is emotional blackmail. It's like saying, "If you don't do things my way, I'll get mad. Then I'll get hurt (and it's your fault. Fix it)."

As long as you are trying to fix what isn't broke, she's got you in a bind. All she's left you is to feel bad and not be able to do anything about it. This is unscrupulous of her, selfish and destructive of any genuine relationship.

I'm guessing she's not a Christian (although she could be a carnal one) since she doesn't seem to care about relationships or about her words administering grace to the hearers. Pray for her.

I stir up a lot of trouble, but my thing has become "tell the truth." People like her are going to hate it because it exposes their sin and lessens their ability to manipulate people to their liking. You'll have to keep it up - repeat repeat repeat until they back down. They might not ever do that, but most people will finally make a kind of peace when they know their ways won't work anymore.

What do I mean by "tell the truth"? It means to talk frankly like you did here: Whenever I hear her voice, or see her name on my caller ID, or even think about her/going to her house, I LITERALLY get so nervous that my stomach gets upset and I am a nervous wreck. She has to always be right, and will not listen to any other points of view unless they jive with hers.

Reword these in your head like you are talking to her: Whenever I hear your voice, or see your name on my caller ID, or even think about you/going to your house, I LITERALLY get so nervous that my stomach gets upset and I am a nervous wreck.

Decide how to best handle this (I'd pray like crazy first), and let her know what you're going to do about it. "I get nervous being around you so I'm not going to visit you for more than 5 minutes at a time." "When you lay a guilt trip on me, I know you're just trying to make your life easier by making my life harder. I will leave your house now. I hope next time your words will be kinder." And so on. "Your words are not true and they are not loving. I'll come again some other time (and I'll stay if things are nicer)."

This will take nerves of steel, so think things through. Maybe write down common things she says, and work out what's wrong with them. What should you do about it? Then practice with someone neutral. Or you could always say, "I'm not staying when there's talk like this," pick up your purse and leave. If she throws a hissy fit, say, "I won't stay for a temper tantrum." You get the idea.

If the things she says to you are things that would make her really angry if you said them to her, then she is in a relationship with you that isn't based on love but selfish unequalness. She's using you, not loving you.

Also work out the various ways this can end, and see if you can make your peace with it. I'm really strong in this (after a lifetime of guilt that still grabs me but I fight it down) because my mother kept putting my small child's life in danger and I had to protect her. I had been told since childhood that if I ever disagreed with my mother, she would disown me (is that a sick thing to tell a kid or what?). Well, she got really mad when I wouldn't let her take the kid alone anywhere and told her she couldn't talk to my kid about the kidnapped/raped/murdered children she heard about on TV. When she saw I was insistant on staying with my child when she was there (I wasn't obnoxious about it, I just wouldn't let her take my kid anywhere my mom wanted to go) she did disown me. I had a choice of protecting my child's life or being in "good" with my mother, so it really wasn't much of a choice, was it? It may not be this cut and dried for you. It still hurts, but sometimes people make it clear they'll only let you in their lives if it's on their sinful demands, and some of those demands are ones where a Christian can't go.

I'm praying for you, and hope things are better now for you. God bless you.



dryden -> RE: Distancing Myself (4/14/2008 8:46:38 AM)

In my opinion, I think you should not be guilty of distancing yourself from that relative of yours. I, too, don't like people who really have an attitude problem. At first, I try not to mind them but later on they are unbearable already.. So, I really feel your pain.. You can forgive them or even talk to them about his or her attitude but maybe you could also put up a small barrier between both of you to protect yourself..



buckifn -> RE: Distancing Myself (4/15/2008 5:31:05 AM)

Just tell them it's your version of spiritual maintenance and leave it at that. Respect is earned and not given.



maddog4god -> RE: Distancing Myself (4/15/2008 7:11:09 AM)

Being a christian is not the same as being a door mat.

You've identified this person as someone who is destructive towards your well being. God calls us to be wise - do the math :D

You can assist her in life - you know if she needs food or something like that and you can be around her at say family gatherings, but you do not need to embrace her into your intimate place.

It's OKAY to have boundaries.

if she confronts you - say I love you, but I do not feel obligated to discuss this with you.

She will resist because her way has always worked in the past, but if you persist, she will adapt to your new boundaries.



ladyichigo -> RE: Distancing Myself (4/15/2008 10:27:11 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: PammieL

I have this family member who has made me miserable my whole life. She is dominating, controlling, manipulative, and can put a guilt-trip on me in a heartbeat. She has to always be right, and will not listen to any other points of view unless they jive with hers. She is never satisfied, and I can never do anything right or to please her. I have bowed down to her will my whole life, but after a huge incident this past summer, I have decided I cannot allow her to do these things to me anymore. I have really made myself unavailable to her now and have kept my distance. I don't run to visit at every beck and call, I barely call either and when she calls me, I keep things short and sweet. Whenever I hear her voice, or see her name on my caller ID, or even think about her/going to her house, I LITERALLY get so nervous that my stomach gets upset and I am a nervous wreck. I just wish she'd leave me alone.

However, I am feeling guilty. [sm=hammerhead.gif] I feel like I am not following one of the commandments to honor. Is it ok to distance myself from this negative person? Of course, if she really needed me, I would go, but I don't want to let her control and manipulate me any longer. I don't think Jesus would want us to associate with people who drag us down or use their negativity to make us negative too. I feel I am being unforgiving....can I forgive her but still keep her at a distance?

Thanks in advance for your comments/advice!


Are you talking about my mom?? [8D]

This is how my mother is to me. I had to distance myself from her. I moved out of state...actually off the continental U.S. I found it easier to communicate with her when there is distance between us. She cannot manipulate me anymore, and I do not have a guilty conscience to "make things better" for her. You need to set boundaries. And it's okay to have them. I have forgiven her for all the hurt that she had caused in my life, and I in turn apologized to her for any grievances I have caused her. I believe it's better for the both of us. This way we can edify each other from a distance instead of me always having to walk on eggshells around her.

I recommend reading a book called "Boundaries" by Dr. Henry Cloud, and Dr. John Townsend.



TheEgyptianPrincess -> RE: Distancing Myself (4/16/2008 4:34:21 PM)

oh I know exactly how you feel.. I have the same sitiuation with my MIL... everytime there is contact with this woman there is always a fight... and not just with me.. with all other family members... with me.. its just a little extra cause I took away her boy!!
I haven't been to her house in like 2 years (we live in different states).. and Id on't really call her at all.. actually I had stopped calling her all together for some time but then this past March for my hubby's b'day I asked him if he would like me to invite his family over to celebrate his birthday.. he said he would like that. So i had to swollow my pride (yes.. I was FULL of pride) and called her and invited her over. Of course they never came and I was actually very happy they didn't as it would have added way too much stress than I would need when you prepare for a party. Last week she called me when my hubby told her I was sick and at home. I didn't know who it was ringing but I really couldn't get up to answer the phone...when I heard the voice mail later.. I was happy I had chosen not to answer the phone. We go to her house on the 28th for the whole weekend... I am sooooo nervous about going and of what she might say or do. Not just to me but to me and my hubby. I pray for wisdom but more often than not, whenever I am in her presence I am not really myself. I stop saying much and only speak when i am spoken to to avoid any conflict. ITs a huge burden and I REALLY with all my heart don't WANT to go... but again.. am doing it for my hubby. There is going to be a lot of family there and he likes it... so how could I deny him?....


and you know what the weird thing is.. I have NEVER EVER had a problem with anyone in terms of a relationship in my life.. my MIL is the only..."thorn in my side" if you could say!!



LastLeg -> RE: Distancing Myself (4/21/2008 12:51:42 AM)

quote:

I recommend reading a book called "Boundaries" by Dr. Henry Cloud, and Dr. John Townsend


I can't agree more. This book is a definite must read for anyone dealing with abusive elderly parents and I do speak from painful personal experience. But I also recommend a secular book called "Taking Care of Parents Who Didn't Take Care of You." The title is too harsh. My dad was actually a pretty good dad when I was a kid. It would be better if the book had been called "Setting Boundaries with Abusive Elderly Parents." Nevertheless, although the book is secular, I found no worldliness in it that contrasted with my faith, and I found the encouragement in it to FINALLY draw the line with my own dad. It built on the message from the book "Boundaries." My dad was killing me. I had severe panic attacks, thoughts of suicide (lots of thoughts), and depression and despair. When I finally drew that line, that boundary, I found peace. I still wrestle with guilt, but it gets easier every day. When the guilt gets heavier again, I sometimes still get out the Taking Care of Parents book and reread certain sections that had been so inspirational, and I know I made the only sane choice in an insane situation that was hurting not only me but my family: my husband and children as well.



cavalry1st -> RE: Distancing Myself (4/21/2008 7:58:15 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: crystalblue

To allow some one to emotionally abuse you, is to enable their behaviour. That doesn't bless them because it encourages their sin.


Agreed. No one can make you "miserable" without your permission. When you busy yourself to be around positive folks, you'll find you have less time to be exposed to those who are attempting to inflict you with their negative poison.



Cloak -> RE: Distancing Myself (4/21/2008 9:44:43 AM)

The Bible says that we are to FORGIVE, but did not say to forget what others have done to us.

Forgiveness is a mercy we grant to the abusers whether they deserve it or not and it's only through God's grace we are able to do it. Never easy!

You are being wise to set boundaries. Remember that abusers need to earn our trust before you embark on reconciliation with her. Also remember that even when they change, change is short-lived and shallow and hence many of them will start the cycle of abuse later. A radical change is what is demanded of them and unless these folks realize they need serious help, the change is superficial.

You are doing the right thing! Fear not anything. May God be with you! [;)]



manda59 -> RE: Distancing Myself (4/21/2008 10:08:16 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: PammieL
I wish I could talk this out with this person, but she becomes immediately defensive and angry anytime anyone tries to talk to her about her behavior. She honestly doesn't think that she is ever wrong about anything! Then the crying starts....


Pammie,

Why do you wish you could talk it out with her? What would you hope to achieve?
(btw I can empathise because she sounds just like my mother, and, believe it or not, my MIL - I got a double dose, lol)

quote:


I find it easier to just engage in "small talk" when I have to, and stay away from her the rest of the time.


That sounds very wise to me. It's what I have had to do for the last umpteen years with my mother.

For some people and some situations, it is right to try and talk things out, but for others it does more harm than good.

It would serve no purpose whatsoever to talk it out with my mother; she is elderly, she had a
horrible early life and she is basically a dysfunctional person. I came to realise some years ago that in her mind I exist to meet her needs, which is why she would try anything she could to get me to do what she wanted, to control me. Trying to talk things out with her would either get her turning nasty, or she'd turn on the tears and go all pathetic - once again, to try and get her own way.

quote:


She likes to send little gifts too... like a peace offering or out of guilt??? I really don't like accepting ANYTHING from her because there are ALWAYS strings attached. How can I tactfully tell her I don't want anything from her????


Doing that latter might well cause more problems for you - I'd suggest you accept them graciously,
but if it galls you to keep them, just put them to one side, and then eventually give them away to a charity.



manda59 -> RE: Distancing Myself (4/21/2008 10:17:21 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: deermousie
Reword these in your head like you are talking to her: Whenever I hear your voice, or see your name on my caller ID, or even think about you/going to your house, I LITERALLY get so nervous that my stomach gets upset and I am a nervous wreck.


Now, you see, if I did that with my mum, she'd likely become rather mocking and sarcastic, belittling me and trying to make me out to be pathetic. It would not have a positive outcome, because it would push all my stomach-squirling buttons and I'd be putting myself in a vulnerable situation. I prefer to keep my boundaries firm and in place, and not to allow any signs of weakness to show.

I'd also be questioning why I was telling her this - asking myself what was I seeking to achieve here, and wondering if I was just trying to make her feel bad and trying to guilt her into changing.

I do agree with, in certain situations, speaking very firmly and directly, but I personally don't let my own guard down for a moment, and don't tell my mum (or whoever) anything to do withg my own emotional "state".

Instead of:

quote:


Decide how to best handle this (I'd pray like crazy first), and let her know what you're going to do about it. "I get nervous being around you so I'm not going to visit you for more than 5 minutes at a time."


...I'd say "I've come to realise that we get on better when my visits are short, so that is how I've decided it's going to be in future."

And instead of:

quote:


"When you lay a guilt trip on me, I know you're just trying to make your life easier by making my life harder.


... I'd simply say "I am not going to allow you to make me feel guilty over this".

If my mother does the passive-aggressive thing where she goes all terse, I say to her "Now, you have a choice. You can either hold on to this and sulk for <insert time period> OR you can let it go and we can have a pleasant visit. *I* don't mind which you choose, you are free to do as you wish, but it will be nicer for you, as well as me, if you choose to just move on".



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