Surviving our Spiritual Mismatch Encouragement Thread (Full Version)

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MamaMilty -> Surviving our Spiritual Mismatch Encouragement Thread (3/7/2008 11:47:57 AM)

Are you and your DH spiritually mismatched? Have you been in the past? I thought we should have a place to talk about it and encourage each other.

All are welcome to participate, everyone at least knows someone in this spot. How have you seen God work in marriages like this? How is He working in yours?



Mrs.X -> RE: Surviving our Spiritual Mismatch Encouragement Thread (3/7/2008 12:40:14 PM)

Me and hubby are un-equally yoked. I got saved a few months before we were married and actually didn't know it was a sin to marry someone who is not a Christian until a couple days before we got married. I went through with it anyway and promised God that I would finally finish something (I've never been a finisher). So far so good.

Our marriage is great compared to what it was, but I still feel pretty lonely sometimes. When I hear about how other couples do devotionals together and how some women's hubbies pray before making big descisions, it makes me kind of sad that I don't have that.

I pray for him daily, but often feel like a broken record. That's one of the reasons I'm really enjoying the 30-day hubby encouragement challenge. It has given me new ideas on how to pray for my hubby.

I've studied 1 Peter 3:1 Likewise you wives, be submissive to your husbands, so that some, though they do not obey the word, may be won without a word by the behavior of their wives, 2 when they see your reverent and chaste behavior. 3 Let not yours be the outward adorning with braiding of hair, decoration of gold, and wearing of fine clothing, 4 but let it be the hidden person of the heart with the imperishable jewel of a gentle and quiet spirit, which in God's sight is very precious. 5 So once the holy women who hoped in God used to adorn themselves and were submissive to their husbands, 6 as Sarah obeyed Abraham, calling him lord.] This is my goal and a principle I try to live by.

I do think someday he will get there. I can really "feel" it. KWIM?



peculiar_lady2 -> RE: Surviving our Spiritual Mismatch Encouragement Thread (3/7/2008 1:12:16 PM)

Well, although now we are "good to go" in this area, in the past we were not....so I thought it might be an encouragement to tell our story to you ladies.
I was raised in a Godly home...dad was a preacher...parents both worked very hard to provide a Godly environment in everything our family did. My hubby was not. But that's jumping ahead of myself.
When I was 19yo God told me very VERY specifically that He would soon introduce me to the man that I would marry. God also told me something that I had been taught my whole life God wouldn't do....but He did anyway (guess it shows you can't put God in a box)...God told me through three specific events and people (prophetically?) that I was to get engaged to a man who was NOT a Christian. That one was hard...esp with my family. They didn't see it the way God showed me. However, in hindsight, if I had not gotten engaged to my hubby he would have never met my parents that weekend of Easter 1998 and he would have never gone to church with us...and he would have never heard (and seen) the church play about what Christ went through on the cross for us. God had it all under control. My hubby was raised to be a good person...and that it would be enough...but he was never told of the sacrifice Christ made on that cross for our souls. He was never told that to get to heaven he MUST accept that as part of the story and be accepting of everything God has done through the ages to cover our sins. God knew though that his eyes would be opened that day...and He orchestrated it so that we were still perfectly in His will.
So in essence, we were technically both "saved" when we got married two months later, but we were very spiritually un-equal as far as our understanding of things. He had a heart that wanted to search out Godly things, but he had spent 28 years not doing that, so it took time for God to change his heart. God kept telling me to shut up and sit back and watch what He could do...but it took a few years for that to sink in. Until I did that everything was very odd.....our marriage was rocky, he wasn't growing in God, I wasn't growing in God....and more importantly we weren't growing in God together. Finally after a few years, many a rocky road, and being through "marriage hell" I finally got it....and I shut up and stood back to just watch what God could do. WOW....God sure did it!!! Literally OVERNIGHT he changed into the "Godly husband" role that I had always wanted!!! All of a sudden you could see the light bulb go on in his life....he finally Got IT!!!! Things changed so dramatically that one day we were at about a 2 in our marriage and the next day we were a 10. God is sooooo good. Since then (5 years or so) God has been growing him more and more into the man/father that He wanted (and that I wanted). We still of course have a long way to go, but it is so refreshing to have that now in our marriage. It is very heartwarming to be able to honestly say "my husband will pray about it"....and to honestly trust that whatever decision he prayerfully decides on I can stand behind it....knowing full well that it came from God.



BrowneyedAL -> RE: Surviving our Spiritual Mismatch Encouragement Thread (3/7/2008 1:16:31 PM)

Awesome story ^^^^ thanks for sharing!



Mrs.X -> RE: Surviving our Spiritual Mismatch Encouragement Thread (3/7/2008 1:54:05 PM)

Thank you for sharing your story, Sarah.[:)]



BrowneyedAL -> RE: Surviving our Spiritual Mismatch Encouragement Thread (3/7/2008 2:06:27 PM)

Christina...I can relate to a lot of what you say even though the stories are different in many ways. My husband is a Christian in that he does believe that Christ died to save us (including him) but he does not have a close personal relationship with God and, I feel, has put up some walls that keep him from developing one because of resentments from the past.

We were both raised in devoted Christian homes and grew up active in our respective churches. I enjoyed church involvement growing up but the proverbial 'light bulb' just wouldn't come on really...I didn't really get 'it'. I knew people who really 'felt' their faith and mine felt more like just habits. I went to church, sunday school and youth group activities and retreats...but other than when required in sunday school or confirmation never really opened my bible...I didn't study it for sure and still to this day feel like I'm such an infant when it comes to biblical knowledge...often finding myself looking up references people make that (it appears) are supposed to be common knowledge sort of things...but I do now regularly read and study God's word and have developed a very fulfilling personal closeness to my Creator and Savior.

My husband on the other hand is quite knowledgeable, biblically speaking. He attended a very conservative church with frequent bible study classes and so forth. His family was very active in the church and his father was a leader within the congregation. Where I enjoyed my participation in church and never needed to be 'compelled' by my parents to attend...he saw things much differently and felt 'forced' and resentful by the extent of involvement that was expected of him. He also felt that there was an expectation among his church of spiritual perfection...which of course isn't possible...so he'd look at the very people he felt placed that expectation on everyone and see them not living up to the standard themselves and feel as though he was not only being judged but being judged unfairly. After graduation, his parents sent him to a church affiliated college which, from his descriptions, sounded more restrictive than many of the juvenile detention facilities I've heard about...further contributing to his view that what was 'acceptable' was so unattainable that it was pointless to try and increased his growing resentment of organized religion. I should make clear that I am not faulting his parents in any way for him developing those views. I don't believe they did anything other than try to give their son what it is we all hope to give our children...a strong spiritual background on which to base their lives.

Now to when we met and got together...I still regularly attended church (because I never quit enjoying it) but hadn't yet developed a true 'hunger' for Christ. He had long since stopped attending church. (I think he's probably only been a couple of times since he moved out on his own and a few of those were at my suggestion!) He was very supportive of my involvement in my church and we were counseled and married by my pastor. He never tried to prevent me from being active in my church in anyway...and has often helped in that regard. For instance, I chaperoned the youth on a 4 day trip to assist in clean up efforts in the Gulf following Hurricane Katrina...and my husband played single Dad to my son from my 1st marriage so that both my daughter and I could go. He has also always encouraged my children's participation in church...but despite my frequent invitations he still will not attend church with me. He's been maybe a handful of times in the 7+ years we've been married and most of those have been to support my children in some way. (He attended my daughter's confirmation and my son's first communion...that sort of thing).

My husband's background did give him a very stong value system and sense of right and wrong that causes him to live his life in a way that is very similar to many of the 'practicing' Christians that I know. I know without a doubt that he would never be unfaithful to me. He takes his responsiblity as the head of our home very seriously. He treats others respectfully and that sort of thing but I pray daily that my husband will be able to let go of the resentments that keep him from enjoying God's peace and go from believing in God to relying on him...it hasn't happened yet...but I know that God has His own plan...and that it's perfect, so for now I'm just willing to wait for His timetable.



MamaMilty -> RE: Surviving our Spiritual Mismatch Encouragement Thread (3/7/2008 2:46:27 PM)

Thanks, Sarah, for sharing your encouraging story. [:)] I genuinely appreciate all you have added to my walk. The book recommendations have been right on, your fellowship here, and your private coming along side is a real blessing, thank-you.

Christina & Lisa, I'm pleased you have joined me here. I will share our story now...

Dave and I met and married while we were both dead in our sin. I grew up going to church, but only in a culturally Chrisitian way. I had no relationship with the Father and certainly did not know the Son. Dave didn't grow up going at all.

As we came to know that we were in love and wanted to marry, we began sharing our dreams for our future with each other. I always intended to "raise my children in church" like I was and he would joke and say Sundays are for the golfcourse, I'll do my worshipping there. So I certainly cannot ever claim I didn't know what I was in for...except I truly didn't, because I had know idea what *I* was missing...

Fast forward to our beginning years of marriage. I began to feel the pull of the Holy Spirit and was finally baptized in the believer's baptism when our 2nd ds, Jackson, was 2 mos. It was in the pool of one of my church family's home, several were baptised that day and Dave was there, but completely out of his element. He didn't want to come to church with me, he didn't want to get to know these people and he was basically freaked out.

As I dove into life as a believer, joining a women's bible study, the choir, parenting classes, women's ministry, praise team, retreats, etc...Dave began to dig his heels in and not want any part of it. It became "my" thing, and we didn't speak of any thing spiritual. The few times he was around as I witnessed to someone, he got very uncomfortable and later asked me to stop.

We have come so far from that point, PTL! I'm sorry, but I have to make this a 2 parter, the kiddoes need me....more later...



SweetLittleErin -> RE: Surviving our Spiritual Mismatch Encouragement Thread (3/7/2008 3:41:24 PM)

I'll be back to post more later, I have a horrible headache today and cant think clearly enough for a coherent post....just dropping by to say I'm in this group.



nicole6598 -> RE: Surviving our Spiritual Mismatch Encouragement Thread (3/7/2008 4:43:18 PM)

Well I don't know if I really "fit" but hubby and I are not on the same page spiritually.
He was raised the majority of his life in a Christian home (his mum and dad became a Christian when he was about 8 or 9). His dad then became a pastor. So he knows all there is to know about the Bible (well alot of it) but doesn't really know it in his heart. I know he believes in Jesus, He loves God, but he has trouble with authority and trusting that authority, hence he doesn't go to God when he or we have a problem, he tries to solve it himself. He hasn't read his bible in the almost 5 years we have been together and he rarely prays (he says he will pray now and again on his own). I would love to sit and talk to him about spiritual things and be able to trust his decisions (like Sarah now can with Paul) but I know he doesn't go to God when deciding on things.
I grew up in a Jewish (not strict) home, and it wasn't until I was about 19 or 20 that I gave my life to Jesus, and then I was full on, I read my Bible day and night its all I wanted to do. Although now since marrying my hubby and having kids things have dropped a little but I am working on getting it back.



BrowneyedAL -> RE: Surviving our Spiritual Mismatch Encouragement Thread (3/7/2008 5:21:06 PM)

Nicole, how did your family react to your conversion to Christianity? I read an article recently about an opposite sort of change. In that instance it was the daughter of a Lutheran Bishop who after marrying and beginning to raise children in the Jewish faith (by agreement with her Jewish spouse) she said she had found that in times of trouble (such as when her mother was diagnosed with a terminal illness) she had naturally gone to temple to pray and she not only ended up converting but is now going to school to become a Rabbi. I remember thinking that I would struggle with that sort of thing as a parent, to have my children reject my faith, but her father was being very supportive and I just wondered what your experience was.



nicole6598 -> RE: Surviving our Spiritual Mismatch Encouragement Thread (3/7/2008 7:29:17 PM)

Well it took me about a year to tell my mum (my Dad at the time was sort of a Christian, mum and dad are divorced). I was really nervous and then I prayed God would help me tell her, then one night we were alone and on the radio came "Jesus is still alright" by the secular band that brought it out years before dctalk. Well anyway I said something like " I have a cd by these people who have done this song" she said "uh huh" then I said " I think I believe in Jesus mum, I have been reading the Bible and I am a Christian". She just said "ohh ok, well whatever makes you happy" and that was it [:)] My nanna when I told her was more devastated I think she actually used Jesus' name in vain when I told her. But they are ok about it now, my uncles and aunties are careful about what they say infront of me about Christians and Jesus etc.



MamaMilty -> RE: Surviving our Spiritual Mismatch Encouragement Thread (3/8/2008 5:42:09 PM)

Part 2:

So the kids and I were at church anytime the doors were open, I had praise band practice, choir practice, bible study and women's ministry that took me out of the house and Dave began to "answer" my activities with some of his own like softball and poker.

It all came to a head when I was working at our new (to us) church building painting and cleaning and I called home to see if he minded if I stayed longer than the few hours I told him I would be gone and he DID MIND. I came home and we talked it out. He told me that he felt like he was losing me and I tried to assure him that now more than ever before he could rest assured he was not ever going to loose me. We talked about how we felt about everything and he agreed to give my new friends a second chance on a social level and occassionally come to church with us. But he made it clear that he wasn't comfortable with it and was doing for me.

Time went on, and as he got to know some of my peeps better he came to realize that they were people, just people, like us! He became more relaxed in church and opened up the bible and began to follow along! Praise Jesus!

When we found out we were moving, he said he would like to find a church home together in our new hometown and we are in the process of doing that now. He still doesn't like to talk too much about spiritual things but he has heard the gospel over and over again. He says he believes that Jesus is the Son of God (Tanner asked him) He has read bible stories to our children and given thanks at our table. God is doing a mighty work in him. I look forward to the day he professes Jesus is Lord, but also know it is between God and him, not me. I trust in the Father's timing and I trust in my husband's heart.

I too, long for a husband that knows our Savior and who will pray with me. I have to check myself sometimes to keep from comparing our life right now to those who have that. I also have to check myself to stay true to my walk and make sure I always am putting the Lord first. Getting what that really means and keeping everything balanced can be tough sometimes. I struggle with taking the reigns myself way too often and when that happens I either offend my husband with empty religion or fail to respond to the Spirit's leading, both of which are a travesty. [&o]

But God is faithful and everyday is a new day to begin again in Him. I am glad you all are willing to share here, God Bless you all.



BrowneyedAL -> RE: Surviving our Spiritual Mismatch Encouragement Thread (3/9/2008 6:46:35 PM)

Thanks for the story Jen...that's pretty inspirational.

For an update on my hubby this week...As I type...the TV is on the digital CCM music station...I changed it while hubby was taking a nap to listen...he's been up half an hour and hasn't changed it yet...that may not sound like much...but it's huge. He's always changed it immediately...on the tv, in the car...whatever...he's never heard a full song since I've known him. And yesterday I asked him if he'd go to the Casting Crowns concert with me next month, he has no clue who they are...but know's they are 'church music' as he calls it...and I got an 'I'll think about it'...not an immediate no is serious progress.



MamaMilty -> RE: Surviving our Spiritual Mismatch Encouragement Thread (3/9/2008 9:10:27 PM)

Yeay Lisa!

Dave used to immediately change the station, too! Now, he doesn't touch it...and sings along sometimes...I'm not sure he even realizes he's doing it.[;)] I also try to play his favorite country channel sometimes to let him know I can meet him in the middle. Did you know there are several songs about Jesus on the country stations, too!

I will be praying for you and your husband.[:)]



a_sparrow -> RE: Surviving our Spiritual Mismatch Encouragement Thread (3/10/2008 12:31:53 AM)

I am married to an unbeliever. He was raised Jewish, and identifies culturally as a Jew, but does not believe in God at all.

I've been doing a terrible job of winning my dh "without a word." I'm afraid I've been telling him what he *should* believe -which certainly has not been helping at all. I've been working up the courage to try a new church (currently, I'm not attending anywhere). He has said he would be willing to attend with me occasionally. I know that observing me walking as I should (which would include faithful church attendance) and hearing the Word from a pastor (and not me), and seeing how Christ-filled members of the body interact with one another (if the church I'm looking at, and if not, a subsequent church, is functioning as it should), will do far more dh than anything I can say.

MamaMilty, I think that it was an awesome idea to start this thread. It has the potential to give a lot of encouragement to a lot of us here who can really use it.



MamaMilty -> RE: Surviving our Spiritual Mismatch Encouragement Thread (3/10/2008 8:59:58 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: a_sparrow

MamaMilty, I think that it was an awesome idea to start this thread. It has the potential to give a lot of encouragement to a lot of us here who can really use it.


I sure hope so! Would you all like to pray specifically for each of our husbands' salvation? If you want to post your dh's name that would be great, if not, we will just say "_____'s Husband"

I am going to put each of you in my prayer journal today.



Mrs.X -> RE: Surviving our Spiritual Mismatch Encouragement Thread (3/10/2008 11:57:25 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: MamaMilty
you know there are several songs about Jesus on the country stations, too!

I will be praying for you and your husband.[:)]

I love those songs! I DL them on iTunes (I just can't justify buying a whole album). Hubby doesn't mind them, he'll even sing a long sometimes if he knows the song. I heard somewhere that some country artists have a "hidden agenda". Make it big in country, then all of sudden go Gospel and bring some non-believers with you. Randy Travis did that. I think Alan Jackson might do that someday.

My hubby's name is Robert, BTW.



MamaMilty -> RE: Surviving our Spiritual Mismatch Encouragement Thread (3/10/2008 12:10:24 PM)

I've got the cd that Alan Jackson did with all the good ole hyms, I love that. And the song Written in Red, or maybe its called I Believe, by Brooks & Dunn, love them!

So here is the beginning of our prayer list:

Christina & Robert
Jen & Dave
Lisa
Erin
Nicole
Elizabeth

God's promise:
I will give you a new heart
and put a new spirit in you;
I will remove from you your heart of stone
and give you a heat of flesh. Ezekiel 36:26



BrowneyedAL -> RE: Surviving our Spiritual Mismatch Encouragement Thread (3/10/2008 1:31:35 PM)

I like that Brooks & Dunn song 'I believe' too. Hubby and I saw them in concert not this past New Year's Eve but the year before...we were in Nashville for Kentucky's Bowl game and Hubby thought that would be a fun way to spend New Years since we almost never do anything.

And Christina mentioned Randy Travis...I liked the song he had on the radio a year or two ago called 'Three Wooden Crosses'...I think that it is true that you hear a lot of faith based songs in country music, probably because the nickname of 'Bible Belt' for a large part of the southeastern US is an apt moniker...and since a lot of country artist come from that area (TN, GA, MS, AL etc) many of them discovered their love of music in the church so it's often still close to their hearts. I don't know if that could be called a 'hidden agenda' so much as just falling in line with country music's overall reputation as being music for the every day working man.

I generally like music...period...I'm not one of those who has just one style that I listen to...as long as the words/message aren't offensive to me I'll probably like it. Been known to listen to everything from CCM to Rock, Classical to Pop, New Age to Jazz and a little of everything else in between. About the only thing I don't like is modern mainstream Rap...because I have yet to hear a rap song (not including CCM Rap...I'm just talking mainstream here) recorded in the last 10-15 years that doesn't have a violent, degrading or vulgar message to it.

BTW...In case you didn't guess from my avatar...hubby's name is Brad.



LaurainAL -> RE: Surviving our Spiritual Mismatch Encouragement Thread (3/10/2008 1:48:56 PM)

Neither DH and I were living the Christian life when we married. Both of us had been raised in church and had become believers in childhood but had fallen away.

2 years after we were married, I felt the pull to return to what I knew was right but DH was very resistant. He did agree to visit a few churches with me but always found something wrong with them. To be honest I did too!

Finally, I started going back to the church I was raised in. He went a few times and complained as usual. "I don't like the music, The pews hurt my back, Sunday is the only day I get to sleep late, blah blah blah. I broke down one Saturday night and cried and begged him to give it another shot.

He agreed and said, "I will go but I will not get involved!"

Ha Ha. He is now a Pastor. Don't give up ladies. Keep praying for your husbands. God can and still does work miracles. He did in my husband for sure.



peculiar_lady2 -> RE: Surviving our Spiritual Mismatch Encouragement Thread (3/10/2008 1:53:32 PM)

quote:

He agreed and said, "I will go but I will not get involved!"

Ha Ha. He is now a Pastor.

hehehe....God is sneaky sometimes isn't He!!!! My mom always says "never say NEVER to God"....lol



LaurainAL -> RE: Surviving our Spiritual Mismatch Encouragement Thread (3/10/2008 1:56:03 PM)

It is part of his testimony now! He has learned that God can do anything and our plans very seldom are God's plans.



BrowneyedAL -> RE: Surviving our Spiritual Mismatch Encouragement Thread (3/10/2008 2:16:49 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: peculiar_lady2

quote:

He agreed and said, "I will go but I will not get involved!"

Ha Ha. He is now a Pastor.

hehehe....God is sneaky sometimes isn't He!!!! My mom always says "never say NEVER to God"....lol


Your mom is certainly right Sarah!



PrincessDonna -> RE: Surviving our Spiritual Mismatch Encouragement Thread (3/10/2008 4:33:40 PM)

I also was in this group at one time. We married at 18, and he claimed to be saved, but deep down, I knew he wasn't. I wasn't living for Christ either then, so him saying he was was enough for me. Both of my pastors at the time strongly urged me not to marry Brian, but being 18 and knowing everything[;)], I went ahead and did what I wanted anyway. I paid dearly for my rebellion.

Brian cheated on me through the first three years of our marriage. He ended up leaving with one of the girls (she was 17, he was 20 at the time). He was gone a bit over two months and then wanted to come back...still not saved. At this point, we were definitely spiritually mismatched because when all the affairs had come to light, I RAN back to my Daddy God. Many people told me not to take Brian back and I may not have if we hadn't had a 18 month old little boy who I wanted to grow up with a Daddy.

I had a few stipulations when we got back together...we had to move away to get away from all the influences where we were at, Brian had to work full-time at one job (keeping a job had been an issue), and we would go to church as a family Sunday mornings. He agreed to all these things, and we got back together. We moved 4 hours away, to PA, a few months later. He had a job driving tractor trailer all over the country.

Once we were in PA, I had a lot of time to think while Brian was out on the road. I came to the conclusion that I needed to repent to my pastors for my rebellion. I wrote a long letter and mailed it. Before it even got to its destination, on the third trip to our new church, Brian was saved! (Does God have timing, or what?) Not two weeks later, I opened the mail and found paternity papers for a sun Brian had back in NY. I don't know how either of us would have responded if this had come to light while he was still unsaved. As it was, we determined to work things out between us and to stay together. When we found out for sure Nick was Brian's, we moved back to NY right away.

Fast forward 6 years now...things are not perfect. But I cannot believe the changes God has made! Brian is growing and in some ways is more spiritually mature than I am, which I am loving! I grew up in the church and Christian school, so my Biblical knowledge is still way ahead of his. I think we balance each other out in these ways though.

To God be the glory!



BrowneyedAL -> RE: Surviving our Spiritual Mismatch Encouragement Thread (3/10/2008 5:52:31 PM)

Great story Donna! Thanks for sharing it!



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