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RE: Please talk me into believing this statement - 3/11/2008 5:46:15 PM
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justjennhere
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I didn't just "know it." Everyone had told me the same the thing about how I would "just know it," so when I met my husband for the first time and didn't immediately feel sparks, I didn't even want to date him. After a relatively short time of becoming friends and getting to know one another, though, I was surprised to find that he was genuine, godly, very likeable, and that our lives/goals/hopes were very much alike. Being with him felt like home. Falling in love with him came as a result of all of this, and I married him with complete confidence that it was the right decision.
Although I didn't just "know it," I will say this. I had never given much validity to the idea of "the one," believing that there's more than one good match out there for a committed Christian who's walking faithfully with the Lord, but after being married for just a mere three and a half years to my wonderful husband... I can't imagine that God could have ever had anyone more perfect for me or vice versa. He's "the one."
Hope that helped and wasn't just more confusing...
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RE: Please talk me into believing this statement - 3/11/2008 7:09:29 PM
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rsh
Posts: 21
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"God works different ways with different people. Some look for a sign, some use their best judgement, some follow their heart. How does God deal with you? What kind of person are you?"
That's exactly how I do it. Yet a lot of people say I'm doing this wrong, whereas they somehow did the same thing and got it right. And nobody is correcting them. It makes absolutely no sense.
Here are some examples of how bad I've been hurt in this area of my life.......I once had to watch a girl I really care about meet and hit it off with a guy that I know at my best friend's wedding. Even though all my friends knew how I felt about her (and by the way she was seeing another guy who she was miserable with), they still pushed her and this other guy together. They got married 2 years later. I dare anyone to say that that's happened to them.
I've been stood up so many times that I lost count. I once became very close friends with a coworker who I developed feelings for and told her how I felt, and she accused me of harrassment right out of the blue. (I know it was a bad idea to tell a coworker that, but that's beside the point.) I get reprimanded by my boss and rightly so, even though we've had co-workers in our building dating left and right and getting engaged. Yeah, that's okay isn't it? But me? No, we can't have that.
Let's see, what else? I have a million of these. Oh yeah.....there's this girl I was seeing for a couple of weeks around this last Christmas and who I spent 3 hours with at a restaurant on our first date doing nothing but laughing and talking with each other. Same interests, same goals, same groups at church, just a couple of years apart, etc. We're at my place watching a movie one day and then right out of the blue asks me to turn off the movie to say that she's not ready. And of course she walks out on me. Yeah, thanks for telling me before you came over.
So now do you understand why I'm afraid of giving my heart to someone else and getting hurt again? And all this goes along with all the bad advice I've gotten in the past from my so-called friends, who have gotten married and threw me away b/c they're married and I'm single. Of course, I'm no good for them in their minds. I know that's how they feel. How do I know that, you ask? Well, it's my turn to give this answer....."I just know."
Again, I apologize for my venting. I just want you guys to understand where I'm coming from and why sometimes I think my friends don't care about me as much as they claim they do.
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RE: Please talk me into believing this statement - 3/11/2008 7:54:55 PM
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rsh
Posts: 21
Joined: 6/21/2005
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quote:
ORIGINAL: HisCovenant
No need to appologize for explaining how and why you feel like you do. It is scary entrusting yourself to someone else at the beginning of the relationship. With dh I eventually got to the point where I trusted him enough to take the risk of trusting him with more... no joke, it took me 6 months to agree to what was definately a date.
I guess one thing that helped me during that time was knowing that if I remained single that I was still important to God and that I could be happy alone. It's not that I thought I was called to be single and would have been happy alone per se, but that I knew hurt and rejection (even while a guy was calling me his girlfriend, but treating me like an enemy with different forms of abuse) and knew lonliness was preferable to that hurt. I was ready to joyfully accept whatever God had for me, knowing it was better than my stupid choices. I don't know what else to tell you than to concentrate on God and on intentionally growing in Him and finding your joy in Him... whatever else great that happens in life (like marriage, friendship, etc) is just icing on the cake.
ETA:spelling mistakes 
I guess that's another way of looking at it. Maybe I'm too trusting when I meet somebody? I guess that could be my problem.
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RE: Please talk me into believing this statement - 3/11/2008 8:08:34 PM
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HisCovenant
Posts: 4617
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I don't know enough about you to discern that... but I know that I was too trusting before being so hurt and not trusting enough afterwards. It's like I lost perspective for so long that I was afraid to trust in my discernment. I had to take time to make sure I had my head back on straight, to get closer to God to know His way in order to walk in it, and then take the time to exercise dicernment in what God said a man (of wife in your case) should be. It took time to begin with, but it brought home to me the importance of intentionally taking my time, too. Marriage is a lifetime commitment and rushing it can end in a lot of pain.
_____________________________
-HisCovenant/ Zipporah
My friends call me Zippy!
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RE: Please talk me into believing this statement - 3/11/2008 10:48:04 PM
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starvin.artist.gurl
Posts: 86
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This is why I am a firm believer in being just friends for a while before you consider dating.
I don't think I really believe in "the one", but I do believe God has a plan and if you keep seeking God, He'll lead you. I gotta say from the time I met my husband I kind of always had that "wouldn't that just be something if we wind up married" thought in the back of my head. I didn't say anything about it at the time though. We were just friends for a couple of years. And in that time we became best friends. Eventually when we realized we couldn't go a single day without talking to each other we moved to a romantic relationship. At that point I already knew I was going to marry him. Do I believe there are others out there that I could have married and been happy with? Probably. But I feel like my husband is God's perfect plan for me. A few times before we got married I tried to picture what my life would be like without him... and I realized I just couldn't. So in a way... I guess I did kind of just know.
But as far as crash and burn relationships... my advice would be to step back and spend some time getting to really know someone and enjoy their company in the no pressure environment of a friendship without trying to bring romance in right away. Once you're real friends with someone, you'll be able to tell if they are the sort of person who could picture yourself marrying. I definitely do NOT believe in love at first sight. I think real love takes time, work, patience, and emotional investment. Love doesn't happen in a moment. Infatuation does, but love doesn't.
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RE: Please talk me into believing this statement - 3/12/2008 7:21:35 AM
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rsh
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quote:
ORIGINAL: starvin.artist.gurl
This is why I am a firm believer in being just friends for a while before you consider dating.
I don't think I really believe in "the one", but I do believe God has a plan and if you keep seeking God, He'll lead you. I gotta say from the time I met my husband I kind of always had that "wouldn't that just be something if we wind up married" thought in the back of my head. I didn't say anything about it at the time though. We were just friends for a couple of years. And in that time we became best friends. Eventually when we realized we couldn't go a single day without talking to each other we moved to a romantic relationship. At that point I already knew I was going to marry him. Do I believe there are others out there that I could have married and been happy with? Probably. But I feel like my husband is God's perfect plan for me. A few times before we got married I tried to picture what my life would be like without him... and I realized I just couldn't. So in a way... I guess I did kind of just know.
But as far as crash and burn relationships... my advice would be to step back and spend some time getting to really know someone and enjoy their company in the no pressure environment of a friendship without trying to bring romance in right away. Once you're real friends with someone, you'll be able to tell if they are the sort of person who could picture yourself marrying. I definitely do NOT believe in love at first sight. I think real love takes time, work, patience, and emotional investment. Love doesn't happen in a moment. Infatuation does, but love doesn't.
Great story and great advice. Thanks for sharing that. There are so many people I know who meet someone and then marry them like 2 months later. And they're still married today. I don't understand that at all, but whatever. I like your idea better.
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RE: Please talk me into believing this statement - 3/12/2008 6:11:40 PM
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small_creation
Posts: 247
Joined: 10/30/2007
From: midwest
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quote:
ORIGINAL: rsh
"When the right person comes along, you know it."
I hear this sentence ALL the time from people and I've never agreed with it for one second of my entire life. Those same people who say that are the ones who said it about at least one special person who wound up NOT being their spouse. They're either still single or married someone else. And I always ask how they know that this person is 'the one" and they always tell me, "You just know." I'm sure that took a long time to come up with that answer. Even someone as dumb as I am could have thought of that one. I'm sorry for being sarcastic, but I had to make my point.
I'm 31 (never had a g/f by the way) and I've thought a few times in my life that a certain person was "the one" and never was. So I'm just asking you all for an answer to my question of how you know someone is "the one." I've given you my argument against the statement listed above, so please tell me why I'm wrong because I truly don't believe that I am. And I'm a guy who loses more arguments than wins them. What exactly happens when you know? Is there even a Bible reference to that?
And let me apologize for my venting. To me, a relationship these days is this game you play where you wind up getting hurt in the end. And every once in a long while, you're the one hurting the other. I'm one of those guys who are very happy with my life (especially my relationship with God), but have this little void inside. It's to the point where I can't stand to be at a wedding. It's mostly because of a bad experience I had, but still. Plus, all my friends who get married ask me why I'm still single. It's like they look down on me b/c of that.
Sorry, but I'll have to say that "I just knew." When I met my [now] hubby for the first time, I couldn't eat for a week -- and I'm not a smallish person...food good. I love thinking back to those days *sigh*
j
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RE: Please talk me into believing this statement - 3/12/2008 7:44:56 PM
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Cherished3
Posts: 69
Joined: 1/7/2008
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God is in control. I'm 54 and haven't been married. I do not regret the men that have been in my life as I have learned valuable lessons from each and every one of them - through God. With that in mind, I don't know how to explain it any better then by saying Trust God. Simply put your prayers, desires, fears, concerns, in front of Him.
Have I been hurt by men? Oh, yes. The last man that said he was my friend flirted like crazy over the internet and then I finally find out that he was divorced but was a little late on part II, he was remarried - for a long time. Ample time for him to tell me but blamed me because I didn't allow him the time in the 30-40 hours of conversation every week.
I want to encourage you to trust God. Do not question if the romance will be identified immediately or 4 years down the road. My sister knew fast and she has been happily married for a long long time. It will not happen that way with me - I just don't see it but it is not for me to decide but God will bring that person into my life.
The divorced/remarried friend that flirted and made sexual remarks to me .... maybe it was God showing me to be careful.
Every day is a new dawn in our life. To question or foresee what the future holds by worrying, or not having a relationship .... put it in God's hands. How do I feel about being single at 54? I'm a work in progress. I realize that God is actually preparing me because I've never lived or had roommates before because I wanted to be by myself. I have two female roommates now and I enjoying talking to them. It is in God's perfect timing - His timing not ours. When we act in faith believing, it all unfolds.
I love what Deermousie wrote ......
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RE: Please talk me into believing this statement - 3/12/2008 10:32:44 PM
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rainbowtvp
Posts: 1016
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From: The Unted State of Confusion
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I don't believe in the "right one" theory of love, therefore the "I just knew" theory doesn't fit with my belief system. Nor do I see anything Biblical about those theories.
Nearly EVERYONE experience those feelings at the beginning of a relationship. You can even find freaky coincidences and call them signs. Some people who follow these feelings and signs (VERY few) end up lucky and in a truly great relationship, and in hindsight, believe they "jus knew." And since it worked out, assume they were right.
More often, though, the feelings fade and people realize they were blinded by their feelings and signs and are now stuck in a relationship they should have recognized as bad from the beginning.
So, my beliefs about realtionships is that you go out and live life, meet people, form friendships (just for the sake of the friendship- not hoping it will lead to something) and eventually someone will come along for whom you have feelings and who also has feelings for you... then you ignore your feelings, and assess he situation using scripture- do you agree about spiritual issues, do your talents and gifts complement each other, etc? Can you live with the person's faults? Are you better off with them- a better person because of them?
If the relationship stands up to all that-great! If not- move on, because there will be other people who come along who will feel like the right one.
Now- I say this as someone who married the person she thought was "the one" because I was raised with those beliefs at the time. I am still with him (19 years and twomkids later), but it has been a painful struggle for all of us, and I know we weren't a good match. We have learned to live with each other, but at the time I couldn't imagine ever feeling for someone the way I felt about him.
Tara P
_____________________________
http://www.geocities.com/hallscola67/KyliesHomemadeShopIndex.htm
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RE: Please talk me into believing this statement - 3/13/2008 7:35:12 AM
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Prairiehiker
Posts: 1083
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quote:
ORIGINAL: rainbowtvp
I don't believe in the "right one" theory of love, therefore the "I just knew" theory doesn't fit with my belief system. Nor do I see anything Biblical about those theories.
Nearly EVERYONE experience those feelings at the beginning of a relationship. You can even find freaky coincidences and call them signs. Some people who follow these feelings and signs (VERY few) end up lucky and in a truly great relationship, and in hindsight, believe they "jus knew." And since it worked out, assume they were right.
More often, though, the feelings fade and people realize they were blinded by their feelings and signs and are now stuck in a relationship they should have recognized as bad from the beginning.
So, my beliefs about realtionships is that you go out and live life, meet people, form friendships (just for the sake of the friendship- not hoping it will lead to something) and eventually someone will come along for whom you have feelings and who also has feelings for you... then you ignore your feelings, and assess he situation using scripture- do you agree about spiritual issues, do your talents and gifts complement each other, etc? Can you live with the person's faults? Are you better off with them- a better person because of them?
If the relationship stands up to all that-great! If not- move on, because there will be other people who come along who will feel like the right one.
Now- I say this as someone who married the person she thought was "the one" because I was raised with those beliefs at the time. I am still with him (19 years and twomkids later), but it has been a painful struggle for all of us, and I know we weren't a good match. We have learned to live with each other, but at the time I couldn't imagine ever feeling for someone the way I felt about him.
Tara P
I agree with you completely. Well said.
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RE: Please talk me into believing this statement - 3/13/2008 9:24:57 AM
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trying2serve
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There are a lot of different stories and theories on love from people more experienced than we are. We inexperienced (therefore ignorant) people might never get it right. However, asking is a good thing. We can learn some practical guidelines that do help:
Don't involve yourself with a man who makes sexual comments to you. Its a good sign of blatant disrespect and of his character. Sometimes when we're lonely, we're more likely to ignore these things in hopes of finding a mate. Also, try to GUARD your heart. One thing I've noticed about some men is the fact that they are completely oblivious to what the woman they are interested in is thinking/feeling. Be AWARE of her thoughts by being sensitive. Thats a good way to protect yourself. You won't fall for someone if you know it will be futile. If someone pressures you to give up an emotional part of yourself too soon (before your emotionally ready) that is also a sign of disrespect. Don't trust someone too soon, you need to get to know that person. Don't take rejection too seriously. Christians are already accepted...any other type of rejection is either laughable or merely something to learn from...but never something to be taken personally. Discipline your emotions...God will show you the right time to release them...in the meantime, express love in other ways (volunteering, loving the people around you).
I learned a lesson recently about a friend. I've known someone for two years and pined away for him the whole time. It was a waste of time because he only befriended/flirted with me as a sort of ego-boost. It was devastating to realize this. However, I was saved from the further pain of being involved with the type of careless man who would be that insensitive to the emotions of another person. In hard times, there are sometimes great blessings. Its hard to see this, and complaining is often a natural response. In the end, I think it boils down to an issue of faith. Sometimes faith is easier to have when we witness miracles than when we choose to just believe.
< Message edited by trying2serve -- 3/13/2008 9:31:52 AM >
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RE: Please talk me into believing this statement - 3/13/2008 9:34:13 AM
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HisCovenant
Posts: 4617
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Well said, Tara!
_____________________________
-HisCovenant/ Zipporah
My friends call me Zippy!
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RE: Please talk me into believing this statement - 3/14/2008 9:51:55 AM
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pastrech
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One other perspective. Find the people who were sure they knew and years later after the marriage the other spouse says " I"m unhappay and when we got married I knew you weren't the one". I believe God leads us through the imperfections of life because it is the truth about marriage. The Bible says " in marriage you will have trouble". The Bible does not quantify the trouble. God does not whisper to us clues to go around trouble if we can just listen better. Better listening gives us faith to get through trouble. It amazes me how this culture thinks we can evolve towards a more perfect life, more perfect job, more perfect spouse. Like we are the enlightened or something. For Pete's sake talk to your peers who are still living and ask them. They took a job most of the time because they had three jobs to choose from. Then they learned to be good at that job. They took a spouse because they had three spouses to choose from. Then they learned to be good at that marriage. What a concept ay! Do you think God might appreciate that attitude? Do you think He might even bless that attitude? Come on people!!
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RE: Please talk me into believing this statement - 3/14/2008 10:17:50 AM
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pastrech
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After thought. Faith happens when you run out of options. Faith doesn't happen when you refuse to trust God and decieve yourself with more options that promise happieness. Miricles happen when God say's they will happen. Our biggest problem is we doubt God , think He is holding out, and that equals " God is not all good". Thank God He is patient with us.
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RE: Please talk me into believing this statement - 3/14/2008 11:50:13 AM
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laura...
Posts: 2712
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From: NE Ohio
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quote:
The Bible says " in marriage you will have trouble". The Bible does not quantify the trouble.
Where does the bible say that?
_____________________________
This is what the Lord says: “Stop at the crossroads and look around. Ask for the old, godly way, and walk in it. Travel its path, and you will find rest for your souls. But you reply, ‘No, that’s not the road we want!’ Jer 6:16
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RE: Please talk me into believing this statement - 3/14/2008 5:03:05 PM
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Dakotasunbeam
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rsh,
It does vary greatly. But, the knowing comes from when you know yourself and the heart of God. Knowing myself better and the heart of God helps one to better detect and individual of "like-mind."
I had at one point thought that knowing who was right or not would be difficult, and I guess it very well could be, without Christ. But as we christians begin to surrender our life to Him, being obedient, doers and not just hearers of the word, we begin to learn Christ. Doing His will, we begin to understand His heart more as we read and study His word and then apply it in our lives. As we grow, we learn about ourselves. It is difficult to pick a good spouse if you do not know yourself. I'd compare it to going to the store to buy a pair of shoes and not knowing your own shoe size or even the occasion for which you are buying them. You will literally have to go through hundreds of shoes--and still you may come out with the "wrong" pair. In the end it may turn out that you bought the right size, but you bought sneakers to attend a wedding or you bought dress shoes to go for a walk on the beach. Or you may have bought the right kind of shoes but the wrong, size.
If you know your shoe size, and know What kind of occassion for which you will need the shoes--you'll be better off. You can go into almost any shoe store, purchase the shoes and be one your way. It is the same way with a spouse. Knowing who you are, who Christ is, and the purpose of the spouse in your life is pivotal.
If you do not know, it will always be a case of trial and error. You will always be disappointed.
The first step is learning Christ by studying His word, then learning His purpose for you, conforming your life to fit Christ's standard (that includes renewing your mind and being a doer of the word of God). Learn His will in marriage. Otherwise, you will grab whatever "looks good" to you at the time. You will arrive at the Gym to work out with flip flops on and you will be disappointed and ill-prepared.
My question: Do you know who you are? Do you know God's purpose in your life? Is your life in line with God's standards? Are you a Doer of the Word of God? Do you value God's will above your own emotional needs and strong desires?
Some people really don't know, but by God's grace meet and marry a perfect fit. But there are many examples where people who didn't know and married a poor fit; or didn't know and did nothing. The point is, true just knowing comes from knowing yourself and God. Sometimes the knowing is instant, sometimes it bares out over a period of time in experience with that person, as you can see from the other posters.
I encourage you to start learning God better. Be honest with yourself. Learn yourself by being open with God about what you do and do not do in His word. Start renewining your mind in Christ. Understand the purpose for a wife/women. Learn to appreciate that first. Heal from your past wounds. Forgive those who have hurt you.
It gives you great confidence in Christ.
Blessings
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RE: Please talk me into believing this statement - 3/15/2008 2:30:08 PM
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ChristSeeker007
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Joined: 2/26/2008
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I used to think or believe that there was person out there reserved for me, I guess what you would call "The one". Do I think that now, no. I believe God gives us a brain and our own will and his word for us to be capable of taking decisions like this one. I believe marriage to be something not just physical but also spiritual. You have to look at whats out there and make a wise decision but steady in prayer too. Get to know the person really good, see where they stand in their relationship with God and don't ignore the signs, if you see any. I have learned not to ask someone else to give me something that I'm not willing to give them or to do something I'm not willing to do for them. I apply this to relationships too and it's helpful. I wish you the best in finding that person that you can be happy with and the one who will be your companion in Christ.
God bless you.
Shalom.
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RE: Please talk me into believing this statement - 3/15/2008 3:30:42 PM
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TMeeks
Posts: 1483
Joined: 1/27/2007
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quote:
ORIGINAL: rsh
"When the right person comes along, you know it."
The word 'THE' is the key to throwing this statement away as rubbish.
Attraction and compatibility are complex; but, not so complex that there is only one match for any particular person.
But, at least the cliche that you brought up isn't as bad as say, "God has chosen that one right person for you."
Now, THAT is truly harmful!
< Message edited by TMeeks -- 3/15/2008 3:39:41 PM >
_____________________________
Galatians 6:7 Do not be deceived: God cannot be mocked. A man reaps what he sows. 8 The one who sows to please his sinful nature, from that nature will reap destruction; the one who sows to please the Spirit, from the Spirit will reap eternal life.
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RE: Please talk me into believing this statement - 7/3/2008 12:18:12 AM
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pastrech
Posts: 15
Joined: 1/30/2008
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1 Cor. 7:28 having trouble when married
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RE: Please talk me into believing this statement - 7/5/2008 7:27:27 PM
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celebratejesus911
Posts: 61
Joined: 7/4/2008
From: Sams Valley, Oregon
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Hi RSH, I won't give advice or even suggestions on this because I have failed so many times in relationship with the opposite gender. I can tell you my experience and what I believe is the way for me if God blesses me one more time:)
For me, I thought many times I had met the "right one". Then, through the fellowship and growing closer to God, I realized I had to be "the right one" to find "the right one". To better explain that is, I was always looking for the right kind of man.(bare with me, Im gettin to your topic:) If I could just find him, all would be great. What I didn't realize for so many years was, that I needed to be "the right kind of woman" to meet a man like that. I still believe it. But I made so many mistakes even after learning that. Instead of waiting on the Lord, I'd jump in. Thinking I was getting older and the "old rules" for teenagers didn't really apply to me, I would put the cart before the horse, or, when I knew I was not to do that anymore, somehow, I just got impatient "waiting". Impatience on my part has been one of my worst enemies. "I" was deciding what man was for me, not waiting on God, again.
For me now, I believe that yes, there will be some sort of attraction(chemistry)that I believe is God-given. But know he is the "one" for me?? Only time can tell that I believe. I've heard people say it was love at first sight. Maybe it does work in some cases.
After that initial meeting, God has further instructions for us. The main one is "do not be unequally yoked". Only date, marry a true believer in Christ. This is for me now, you want to use it great:) I am 55 years old and I totally believe what applies to young people applies equally to me. If I meet a man I like, that is a true follower of Christ, and we have some other things in common, country living, gardening, non-materialistic, things like that in common(just examples)then we spend time together fellowshipping with other believers, getting to really know eachother well enough to know if we even want to be friends. Then, if there is a physical attraction, we need to stay on safe ground. Stick with others, pray together, stay in the Word and keep Christ at the Center of our relationship. Don't allow ourselves in "slippery" places like eachothers homes, alone, huge chance for satan. Anything truly from God is worth waiting for, His timing is perfect.
For me I have to not rush things, and I have to be content with myself alone. If not, I run the risk of getting hooked up because of a need God is to fill, not another human.
I hope I didn't wander too bad here from your topic. I just feel it is so important and I wanted to write something about myself that might help:)
God bless, in Christ, denise
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"All that is gold does not glitter, not all those who wander are lost..." -J. R. R. Tolkien