RE: Balance? (Full Version)

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PrincessDonna -> RE: Balance? (3/3/2006 10:02:48 AM)

The book I mentioned ordering a couple posts ago came the other day. I'm almost through with it, and it is easy enough reading that I am hoping Brian will read it also. Complete with my underlinings and markings.[;)] It has been so good for me to read, knowing that everything I have gone through internally is completely normal and okay. I think maybe it will help him understand why I feel the way I do about certain things.

When I am done with the book, I want to go back through it and post some here about it. Kind of putting my thoughts somewhere I can see them and look back at them. I feel like this is a good place to do that. There are a couple people here that know me IRL, but I trust them to keep what I say here to themselves. So, that is my plan for the next few posts.

God is most excellent, and He is ever-faithful to me, even when I am less than faithful to Him. I am so grateful for His love for Brian and I. I am STILL believing Him for good things, even though I can almost feel the attacks from the enemy. Satan knows we are close to something. That's why he's bugging us again. We will keep on. We will press through, by the grace of God.



PrincessDonna -> The restoring - Part 1 (3/5/2006 5:00:10 PM)

The name of the book again, is The Dance of Restoration: Rebuilding Marriage after Infidelity by Abel Ortega and Melodie Fleming.

The first chapters in this book are kind of a looking back for me, as knowledge of the affairs is not a new thing. All of the mess, except for Nicolas' existence, came out when Noah was 15 months old. We found out about Nick just after Noah turned 2.

I'm not sure how much I am allowed to quote from the book, so I will do so sparingly. This quote addresses something I have struggled with early on:

quote:

God sees all marriages, even if He did not approve of a particular union at its beginning. [snip] Once we enter into marriage, we have entered into a covenant. (pg 13)


I knew God had not ordained Brian and I to be together. Knowing that seemed to make it easier to be willing to throw my marriage away instead of work on it. But it doesn't matter how we came together anymore. We have both asked forgiveness for the way our marriage started, and that is all we can do about it. Now, God's will for us is to have a healthy, Christ-centered marriage.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

The book goes through the story and counseling sessions of a fictitious couple named Robert and Joyce. I will substitute our names instead, for clarity here.

quote:

[Brian] kept insisting that things were over [snip], and he continued to insinuate that [Donna] should just let the whole matter rest. He apologized to [Donna] and said he never meant to hurt her. But he continued to minimize his betrayal of her and the marriage. (pg 23)


I think it is only now becoming apparent to Brian the level of hurt and betrayal I have experienced over the years. Somewhat in his defense, I have kept a lot of that from him until recently because I didn't think our marriage was stable enough to withstand dealing with it. Over 4 years later, we are just beginning to really talk about the deep parts of this.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

quote:

Women tend to analyze relationships, and they often turn the discovery of a husband's affair into a time of critical self-examination. So when a husband cheats, it is not uncommon for a wife to identify personal failures and to blame herself for this betrayal. (pg 25)


I have always had a very negative self-image of myself. Since I was a small child, I was told that sex was all I was good for. Then, after giving everything I had to give my husband, he went out looking for more. It is only this past year I have seen how personally devestating that was to me. I have a low sex drive at the moment that would be easy to blame on having young children and still nursing one of them. But I know that is not the problem. Over the recent years, I did not struggle with this. My theory is that I was so insecure in our relationship that I knew I couldn't allow myself to be honest. At the present time, I am finding that if I feel the least bit betrayed, I do not want to be intimate with my husband. He doesn't understand why this is happening all of a sudden (to him), but I think it is because I know I am "safe" now. Things are finally coming up that need to be dealt with. I believe this will be a good thing in the end, though it has moments of great difficulty right now. The Lord is growing and maturing my husband greatly, which is the catalyst for healing to (finally!) begin.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

quote:

Spouses of either gender will often place blame on the third party. Wives do this as a way of making their husbands seem more inncoent so that they can find it easier to forgive. (pg 26)


I have found this to be true. Most of my anger has been directed at the other women, two especially: the one he finally left me for, and Nick's mom. I have often wondered why I did not feel the same anger toward Brian. This book has helped me realize that it was part of being in survival mode in our marriage. Our marriage could not have survived if I had unleashed all that anger on him. I needed to love Brian, even if it was only by choice, and not feeling. I am happy to say that the feelings of love for my husband have finally returned, and I have never loved another human being the way I love my Brian.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

quote:

Few marriages can survive [infidelity] without outside assistance. (pg 26)


I have always wanted outside help, not necessarily official counseling. This has not been something Brian was willing to do in the past, and I have always believed it was a matter of pride, not a lack of repentance. God is working in this area, and we are both nearing a place where outside help is needed AND wanted.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

God is so faithful. Healing has not always moved at a fast enough pace for me, but He is moving. My Abba Daddy has never left my side. Never.

I hope my writing about the nitty gritty "yuck" and also the healing and restoring of my marriage will help someone else. That and to have something to look back on when we are through this season are the reasons I am opening my heart here to you all.



PrincessDonna -> RE: The restoring - Part 2 (3/5/2006 6:28:42 PM)

The next two chapters of the book were not as applicable to our situation, though I did read them.

I have come to believe that I am fortunate. None of Brian's affairs were emotional by any means. They were all about instant sexual gratification for him. Even Nick's mother, he didn't have a real relationship with. The girl (she was 17) that Brian left us for was just an excuse for him to escape responsibility. They were split up two weeks later, and he doesn't even remember her last name anymore, though I do.

Because he never had an emotional affair, he didn't go through grieving the sinful relationships and missing them. I'm sure it wasn't purely physical on the other women's parts, but on his, I truly believe that it was.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

The fourth chapter, Anger--the First Movement in the Dance, I can relate with very very much.

quote:

At some point, usually after counseling has begun, the betrayed spouse moves into stage two of healing: prolonged anger. This often occurs at a surprising time, usually after the errant spouse repents and begins to work on the relationship. The betrayed spouse then relaxes his or her grip on saving the marriage and experiences a return of the intense anger. (pg 69)


I believe this is what has been happening with us over the last year or so. I daresay it has taken both Brian and I by surprise, the depth of my emotion, especially anger, after such a long time.

I learned coping mechanisms as a child dealing with sexual abuse and I believe those came into play in my marriage. I didn't feel safe, so I retreated, even though I was not fully aware of it, nor was anyone else. God is bringing things to the forefront in His time, and I am continually amazed at the work He is doing in both Brian and in me.

quote:

[Donna] is wounded, and she's mad about it. Her emotions are probably stronger than she's ever experienced before. [snip] At the same time, she has a strong desire to rebuild the trust she once had in you. So she ventures out of her burrow and tries to love you, but she feels vulnerable when she does. At the first sight of anything that stirs her fears, she darts back inside to safety. Anger, or emotional distance, returns. (pg 72)


Several times in the last year, we have encountered situations that made me feel insecure, even though they were innocent, or intended to be innocent. When my fears have been stirred up, I am not the nicest, most sane person to deal with, and we have had more than a few long nights. [&o] At least things are being uncovered and talked about finally. I feel like I waited forever for him to really hear me and be willing to deal with my pain.

quote:

...if you will allow your wife to express her anger to you, she will get beyond it. Then you will be able to jointly work on the marriage. I warn you though--this is an extremely difficult process. It will take both courage and humility. [snip] as you allow [Donna] to express her feelings, you are also allowing God to work deep repentance in you. God is working in you to transform you into the husband and person that He has called you to be." (pg 74)


I definitely see this, even in the last week. God is so good.

quote:

...premature forgiveness can stifle the restoration of the healing process for both parties. The offended party needs to unpack his or her anger so that when forgiveness is finally offered, it is fully and freely given. (pg 85)


When we first reconciled and then soon after dealt with the reality of Nicolas' existence, I truly meant the forgiveness I gave my husband. I didn't know then that it was not complete. It was complete for what I knew at the time. God is completing this process in our marriage now. It has been painful for Brian to realize the depth of my pain, and I am so proud of him for not shoving it (and me!) aside.

quote:

...the wronged party can learn to be a source of encouragement even while angry. [snip] Learning to encourage in the midst of pain can be an important part of spiritual growth and emotional restoration. (pg 87)


Something God is definitely teaching me. I can express my feelings and deep hurts while still uplifting Brian and bringing things back to the present, not staying in the past. The past is painful and it needs to be dealt with, but it does not need to be lived through ever again. Praise God!!!

That brings us to the end of Chapter 4, and the end of my typing time tonight. [;)] May God have all the glory and honor and praise for the way He is loving on us and restoring our marriage.



PrincessDonna -> RE: The restoring - Part 3 (3/9/2006 5:53:55 PM)

Chapter 5: The Dance Continues

quote:

The repentant spouse has a need for privacy and confidentiality. But the betrayed spouse needs the support of friends. (pg 91)


There are conflicting needs here. Both are valid, but...
quote:

As harsh of a judgment as it may seem, the adulterer chose to meet their own needs at the expense of their spouse. Now, if the marriage is to be restored, that must be reversed. The offender must be willing to yield to the needs of their mate. (pg 95)


It has taken me over 4 years to find the courage to admit I need to have support. Oh, I have friends that will listen. Good friends, that I trust. It's so hard for me to convey the things I feel and think to someone who hasn't been through at least something similar though. Then, I try to be careful what I share with people who know Brian. I don't want anyone's view of him to be changed because of things that I need to talk about. I have found a mature woman here to share with and be encouraged by, but she lives clear across the continent.

God is good, and He has recently sent me someone that understands. This woman is on the altar ministry team, and has such a heart for women. I have talked with her and trust her. And praise God--it's not even long distance to call her! LOL

The book then talks about the logistics of bringing healing, the way a repentant spouse must answer any questions and live life from that day forward: honestly, consistently, and transparently. This is so important to the restoring of the marriage.

I will say, without getting into details, that Brian doesn't alway fulfill this. He seems to think that because he has been faithful so long now, he doesn't need to call if he's going to be late, and it's okay if he stops somewhere to chitchat for an hour or two when I expect him home. This is an issue we have been butting heads over, but I do think he is starting to understand that my insistence on knowing where he is at all times does not come from mistrust, but from past pain and hurt. When he is late coming home, even if he has a perfectly good reason, it sends my entire body and emotions into upheaval. I feel angry, weepy, confused, doubting my own reasoning skills, and I get a massive headache and feel puky. A lot of the same things I went through the day he left me. He is starting to realize (I hope!) that a simple phone call and really minimal accountability is all it takes to keep me sane.

quote:

Not all questions are healthy questions for the victim to ask. Any inquiry that has to do with sexual comparison is not recommended because it has no healing quality. (pg 105)


I have found this to be true the hard way. When we were first reconciled after the infidelity, I went through a time where I wanted answers. I had to know what "they" did for him that I did not. What I found out was not helpful to healing, and still bothers me. Sometimes I wonder if I will ever be able to enjoy my husband without seeing images of him with the other women.[:'(]

quote:

Forgiveness is a gift from God and a gift from [the injured party]. It cannot be earned. But the restoration of your relationship requires full repentace. Full repentance requires understanding of the severity of the sin. (pg 109)


As more pain and hurt are exposed, Brian comes to a new understanding of it, and with that comes a new repentance (Thank you, Lord!!!). Just the other day, I realized that while I truly meant it when I forgave him initially, it IS an ongoing process. That doesn't mean I didn't forgive him fully before. It means that to the extent that things were known by me at that time, I forgave him. As "new" things come up, it doesn't hurt to re-forgive him.

How it has worked for us...something comes up that stirs up old wounds and feelings. We discuss things, not always peacefully at first. Eventually, Brian has seen the new level he wasn't able to see before and verbalizes his true repentance again. When he is able to do that, I am able to offer forgiveness, very specifically to the situation, and the healing and restoration in our marriage is then multiplied. This is all new-to-me concepts of forgiveness, not at all what I thought forgiveness looked like.

God is working, and I am ever so thankful that He loves us so much He won't leave us to wallow in our sin and misery.

I am going through some deliverance type stuff tomorrow evening, with two ladies from my church. Any prayers would be appreciated. I am excited, yet a bit scared at the same time.



PrincessDonna -> RE: The restoring - Part 4 (3/21/2006 12:37:51 PM)

Sorry it's been so long to get to the last chapter of the book. Hannah and I were very sick last week, she with scarlet fever and me with strep throat. We are both mostly back to health, with just small colds now.

Chapter 6...Rebuilding the Marriage

This is where we are right now. Picking up the pieces, working out our parts of the healing and trusting God for the rest. We've come a long way in just a few short months, after being stuck in pretty much the same spot for years on end. God is so good to us!

quote:

It is not the task of the injured spouse to recreate these feelings [trust and love], but the task of the betrayer to nurture them back to life in the spouse. (pg 113)


Brian has long thought that when things would come up again, it was a problem with me. God has given us both understanding in this area, which has been very healing for us.

quote:

quick forgiveness is incomplete forgiveness, because the magnitude of the infraction must be fully realized before it can be forgiven. [snip] If the betrayed spouse has not had an adequate opportunity to verbalize the depth of pain, [snip] the rest of the pain will surface in some form and cause further damage to the injured spouse and to the marriage. (pg 119)


All these years I have beat myself up for the feelings I continued to have. I did not understand that I had offered quick forgiveness, not knowing all of the pain that would come up later. As things have come up, I am learning to forgive more completely, which in turn brings more healing and life to our marriage.
quote:

When the angry or hurt feelings reoccur, they do not indicate a lack of forgiveness. They indicate that further healing still needs to take place. Part of the healing process is reminding oneself that these infractions have been forgiven. Answering the pain with a reminder will lessen the pain, and eventually it will be gone. (pg 121)


I eagerly look forward to the day when I no longer feel the pain, when all I can see is the glory of God in our lives. I believe with all my heart that day will come.

quote:

It is not your responsiblity to keep [Brian] faithful. It is his responsiblity to become a faithful person. So, don't worry about having sex with him in order to keep him from straying again. This will cause you to bear burdens that you are not intended to bear. (pg 123)


I have carried a fear of being inadequate sexually, that I would cause Brian to be unfaithful again if I was too tired or sick one night (I am not talking about denying him on a regular basis here). This is a lie, from the father of lies. Brian will choose either to be faithful or not to be, and his choice has very little to do with me personally. That is so freeing, and our married life has improved since I have really believed the truth about this. God is so good!

quote:

Sex will not create intimacy. Rather, intimacy will create satisfying, complete sex. (pg 125)


Amen. And that's all I'm going to say about that. [;)] I've had this concept backwards for most of my life.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

That's all I have to share about the book, but there is more truth to be had there. I highly recommend reading it if anyone reading has experienced infidelity at any level, even emotional. I got it here...from CBD.

Brian has just started reading this book. He is not a big reader, and just the fact that he asked for the book to start reading it shows me tremendous growth in him. Who knew that by just his simple acknowledgement of my pain and willingness to be vulnerable, so much healing would come? I am so thankful for what God is doing in our lives.



PrincessDonna -> Woman...the crown of Creation (3/21/2006 12:56:35 PM)

I want to share some of what the speaker spoke on at the women's retreat I went to last weekend.

She read us an account of Creation, with more expression than I have ever heard it related before. She mentioned that with each new part of Creation, it became more intricate, more intimate, and more beautiful. Since Eve (or woman) was the last part of Creation, it stands to reason that we are the most intricate, complex (in a good way [:D]), and beautiful.

Yes, we were created to be Adam's (or man's) help meet, but we were never created to be second class citizens. We were never created to be used and abused in whatever way men desired. Woman was not an afterthought to God, but rather, the finishing touch. The crown of Creation.

We are needed and wanted. By God, first of all. By man, secondly. (Boy, do they need us! I'm sure you'll agree. [:D]) And by all of Creation. The world was not complete before God made us.

I had never thought quite this way before, and the words this lady spoke were a healing salve to the little girl's heart within me. The little girl that had never wanted to be a girl, because of all the awful things that happened to her. Satan has used my womanhood against me my entire life, but NO MORE. God had a purpose in making me a girl, and if you reading this are a girl, then He had a wonderful purpose in making you a girl too.



PrincessDonna -> RE: Woman...the crown of Creation (3/22/2006 1:36:57 PM)

Do everything without complaining or arguing, so that you may become blameless and pure children of God without fault in a crooked and depraved generation, in which you shine like stars in the universe as you hold out the Word of life. Philippians 2:14-16a

Noah has had an attitude problem lately, that is evidenced by his disrespectful talk towards Brian and I. We have not been sure how to deal with this. We have been calling him on it and demanding respect every time it appears. There have been some days he had his hand over his mouth for extended periods of time, as a reminder that what comes out of it needs to be good. He has been spanked, sent to his room, privileges revoked, everything we could think of, with little if any result.

Yesterday, I did something I have not done before. I have been leery of using memorizing Scripture as method of discipline, not wanting him to view it negatively. He is 6 years old, plenty old enough to know better than to talk the way he has been. He is a child of God, with the living Holy Spirit within him. We need to spur him on to growth in Christ, not enable him to stay a baby Christian. That is part of our job as his parents. How can he know what the Word of God says if we don't live, eat and breathe it ourselves?

We have been having him recite Phillipians 2:14 repeatedly throughout the day last night and today, both when his mouth starts running and when he is doing well. I plan to add a different one tomorrow, probably Ephesians 6:1-3, or parts of it. Of course, mom and dad also need to pay attention to verse 4: "Fathers, do not exasperate your children, instead, bring them up in the training and instruction of the Lord." [;)]

Why is it we look to the Instruction Manual when all else has failed?[&o]



PrincessDonna -> RE: Woman...the crown of Creation (3/31/2006 4:00:09 PM)

But the eyes of the Lord are on those who fear him,
on those whose hope is in his unfailing love, ...
We wait in hope for the Lord;
he is our help and our shield.
In him our hearts rejoice,
for we trust in his holy name.
May your unfailing love rest upon us, O Lord,
even as we put our hope in you. ~ Psalm 33: 18, 20-22


I've got another endometrial growth on my ovary. It is my only ovary. Two years ago today, I had major surgery to remove a pineapple size growth on the other one. That ovary also had to be removed, as the cysts/tumors had shredded it to pieces.

I have done nothing but cry since seeing the ultrasound screen this morning. I knew without even being told. Now I've got some major medical decisions to make. I do not feel emotionally stable or capable to make these decisions.

We have wanted to have at least one more baby, though I don't know if we would have felt done after that either. It isn't a bad desire, but it just may not happen. God, help me, I do not understand. Haven't we been through enough already?

God is certainly able to heal me. My faith is small right now, yet I know He is able, if He wills it. I'm not even sure what to pray right now. It's a good thing He hears my groanings.

My hope is in God, not my fertility. My soul will yet praise Him. Thy will be done, Daddy.



PrincessDonna -> Thankful (3/31/2006 6:12:35 PM)

I am thankful.

I am thankful that God's love is unfailing.

I am thankful that it is God that gives me each new day.

I am thankful for God's ever-present hand on my life.

I am thankful for a loving Father.

I am thankful for my husband.

I am thankful for my children.

I am thankful for wonderful friends, who really love and support me.

I am thankful for spring and sunshine.

I am thankful for daisies.

I am thankful for my home.

I am thankful for all my many blessings.

God is good, and His plans are perfect.



PrincessDonna -> RE: Thankful (4/10/2006 7:16:48 PM)

He who dwells in the shelter of the Most High will rest in the shadow of the Almighty. I will say of the Lord, "He is my refuge and my fortress, my God, in whom I trust." ~ Psalms 91:1-2

Your ways, O God, are holy. What god is so great as our God? You are the God who performs miracles; you display your power among the peoples. ~ Psalms 77: 13-14

You hold me by my right hand. You guide me with your counsel, ... Whom have I in heaven but you? And earth has nothing I desire besides you. My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever. ~ Psalms 73:23-26

I will praise you, O Lord, among the nations; I will sing of you among the peoples. For great is your love, reaching to the heavens; your faithfulness reaches to the skies. ~ Psalms 57:9-10

I needed those right now. Hope they ministered to someone else too.



PrincessDonna -> RE: Thankful (4/13/2006 9:14:10 AM)

From the fullness of his grace we have all received one blessing after another. ~ John 1:16

I will sing of the Lord's great love forever; with my mouth I will make your faithfulness known through all generations. I will declare that your love stands firm forever, that you established your faithfulness in heaven itself. ~ Psalms 89:1-2

For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future. ~ Jeremiah 29:11


God is so good. He is so faithful, even when we are faithless.

I will not have surgery next week. Instead, we will be having a baby, due December 11th. It wasn't supposed to be able to happen without intervention, but with God, all things are possible!

I know if I had needed a hysterectomy, God would have given me grace for that. But I am so thankful that was not the plan He had for me. Praise Him!!!!



PrincessDonna -> RE: Thankful (5/2/2006 10:10:20 AM)

Most of you reading this probably already know, but I am in the process of miscarrying our baby. Her (I'll say 'her' not because we know it was a girl, but because that has been the feeling I've had for the last couple weeks.) little heart stopped beating for some reason and it took my body a week to catch up and let me know something was wrong.

I am processing so much right now that it's hard to even put some of it into words. I'd be lying if I said I wasn't mad at God. I know He is good. I know He is faithful. I know He is loving. But this doesn't feel good, or faithful, or loving. I know God and I will work it out, but for now, that is the truth of how I am feeling. I don't understand why God even gave us this blessing and then took it away. It doesn't make sense at all. I would have rather had surgery. At least I was preparing for that.

Goodbye, little Nessa Joy. We were full of joy in the few weeks we were allowed to have you.



PrincessDonna -> RE: Thankful (5/4/2006 7:42:08 AM)

The last couple days, I have realized something. I now have the same number of children in Heaven as I do on earth. For various reasons, my first two Heaven babies were not grieved for like this one.

Evan Matthew...in utero March 1996-May 30, 1996. This was the baby I aborted. [:(] He has been grieved, but in a much different way. God has healed much.

Jonah Michael...in utero April 2001. This baby was gone almost as soon as I saw the two lines on the test. Maybe that's why it was different than this time? We hadn't even had a chance to tell anyone besides my mom, plus we didn't have a church family then.

Nessa Joy...in utero March 2006-May 1, 2006. Joyous miracle of God. Gone.

The heartbreak is almost more than I can bear. It is certainly more than I could bear on my own.



PrincessDonna -> RE: Thankful (5/4/2006 9:03:36 AM)

I am not having a good day so far. Time to count some blessings. I know there are some around here somewhere...

I am alive.

I am a child of God.

My baby girl has a smile that chases tears right away.

My little boy has a soft, caring heart.

My husband loves me.

We have a wonderful church family.

I have many many friends who love me.

This pain will not last forever, at least not this badly.

I have an eternal hope and future.



PrincessDonna -> RE: Thankful (5/5/2006 6:50:03 PM)

My emotions are on a violent rollercoaster right now, with drastic ups and downs. I'm sure this is normal and I will come through it, with the help of my Daddy God and the many friends He has blessed me with.

Just thought I'd post something here while I'm having a good moment. I don't know how long it will last.

I love the Lord, for he heard my voice; he heard my cry for mercy. Because he turned his ear to me, I will call on him as long as I live. The cords of death entangled me, and the anguish of the grave came upon me; I was overcome by trouble and sorrow. Then I called on the name of the Lord: "O Lord, save me!" The Lord is gracious and righteous; our God is full of compassion. The Lord protects the simplehearted; when I was in great need, he saved me. Be at rest once more, O my soul, for the Lord has been good to you. How can I repay the Lord for all his goodness to me? ~ Psalm 116:1-7, 12

God has been good to me. Without Him, what would I have? Nothing.

I still don't understand, but I don't have to. God is still good and God is still love.



PrincessDonna -> Miscarriage Etiquette (5/7/2006 7:58:38 PM)

People mean well. They love us and they don't like to see us hurting. But...sometimes the things they say...just don't need to be said at that very moment.

Some of the things I've heard over the last week...
--His ways are not our ways
--be thankful for the time you had
--at least you have other kids
--you would have had your hands full anyway, with Hannah still being so little
--trust God, He has a good plan
--you can always have another baby

While those things may be true, that doesn't mean they need to be said. They are things we already know and will come to terms with in time.

The people that I have opened up with and really shared how we are doing all had one thing in common. They aren't trying to make us "feel good" about our baby dying. They have simply said, "I'm sorry. I love you. What do you need that I can do right now?" And they have cried with me, prayed with me. They don't push, but are always willing to listen.

I think people that say things we don't need to hear right now mean well. I know many of them care deeply for us. I think they just don't know what to say. I am conciously forgiving these people and not holding on to the hurt. And I will try to remember the lessons I am learning when I am tempted to say something that will cause more pain at the time.

If someone you know is grieving...don't feel the need to give them trite words, even if they are true. Simply tell them, "I'm sorry. I love you. Is there anything I can do for you right now?"



PrincessDonna -> Struggling today (5/9/2006 9:40:38 AM)

I woke up struggling today. Struggling with faith.

Nessa Joy was prayed for over and over. She was prayed for before we even knew she was there. Once we were made aware of her existence, life and health were prayed over her repeatedly, by many different people.

I prayed for her. I thanked God for her everyday. I told everyone that would listen what a miracle she was, giving God the glory for our little one. We even chose a name that means "miracle, act of God".

And when I started bleeding, I laid in my bed and begged for my baby's life. I believed that God could save her. I believed that my prayers made in faith mattered.

There are so many promises in the Bible. Promises about faith and praying. Promises about asking in Jesus name. Why weren't those true for my baby? What good is prayer if God will do what He wants anyway?

And what good could possibly come of this?



PrincessDonna -> Mary Magdalene (5/10/2006 1:14:22 PM)

Bible study this morning was very good. I have no doubt that God arranged the woman we were to study this week: Mary Magdalene.

She was sure she knew the plan. Jesus would reign over Jerusalem. Rome would be overthrown and Israel would be free once more. Not only free, but ruled by the Messiah told of long ago!

Well, that wasn't God's plan. Not even close. Instead, Mary watched Jesus die. From a distance, but she was there. She saw her Lord and Savior, her friend, die a brutal death on the cross. Less than a week before, the crowd had cheered for him. Hosanna! Hosanna!

Fast forward a few days...Mary is now at the tomb. She has come to anoint Jesus with perfumes. She has come to mourn. She no doubt has a myriad of emotions and thoughts. Disappointment...all her plans and dreams are dead now. Hopelessness...her people will forever be ruled by Rome. Desolation...the man who healed her, the man who cast out her demons, is gone forever. Anger...it's not fair! Jesus was the purest man she could ever hope to know and those evil people had killed him! Confusion...what about all those things Jesus said? What about the prophecy? Did God still have a plan for His people?

She runs into someone she thinks is the gardener and demands to know, through many sobs, where her Lord has been taken, so she can take care of him. The man speaks a word.

"Mary."

It was HIM! It was Jesus! Alive!

God had a plan all along. God still has a plan, though Mary couldn't see it. I can so identify with Mary Magdalene at this point in my life.



PrincessDonna -> Mary Magdalene (5/10/2006 1:25:54 PM)

Second lesson God showed me today...

Mary was in despair when she came to the tomb. All those emotions and thoughts I mentioned before (disappointment, hopelessness, desolation, anger, confusion and I'm sure others) bubbled to the surface completely out of her control.

You'd think when Jesus sees her, he would rebuke her. Woman! Why do you have so little faith, so little vision? Weren't you listening when I told you what would happen here?

But. He doesn't. He speaks her name in love. He knows what she is going through, and He understands. He cares. He even gives her the privilege of telling the disciples the joyous news.

God knows where I am right now. He doesn't condemn my lack of faith, my confusion, my questions, even my anger. Instead, He speaks my name in love. He understands the loss of a child. He cares. I believe it breaks His heart to see my pain. If God can cry, I'm sure He does.

I am not through this yet. But someday I will be. Until then, it's okay to be where I am.



PrincessDonna -> RE: Mary Magdalene (5/16/2006 12:23:17 PM)

A friend gave me a little packet of Bible verse: ones on strength, grief, hope, and prayer. Prayer? Didn't quite seem to fit with the others.

As I read through the verses on prayer, I wrestle with God.

Ask, and it will be given to you; seek, and you will find; knock, and it will be opened to you. For everyone who asks receives, and he who seeks finds, and to him who knocks it will be opened. Matthew 7:7-8

And all things you ask in prayer, believing, you will receive. Matthew 21:22

Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. Jeremiah 29:12

It will also come to pass that before they call, I will answer; and while they are still speaking, I will hear. Isaiah 65:24

Ask and you will receive, so that your joy may be made full. John 16:24

Whatever you ask in my name, that will I do, so that the Father may be glorified in the Son. If you ask me anything in my name, I will do it. John 14:13-14

If you abide in me, and my words abide in you, ask whatever you wish, and it will be done for you. John 15:7

If you then, being evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father who is in heaven give what is good to those who ask Him! Matthew 7:11

The Lord is near to all who call upon him, to all who call upon him in truth. He will fulfill the desire of those who fear him; he will also hear their cry and will save them. Psalm 145:18-19

Therefore I say to you, all things for which you pray and ask, believe that you have received them, and they will be granted you. Mark 11:24

GOD! I don't understand!



PrincessDonna -> RE: Mary Magdalene (5/19/2006 5:28:00 PM)

Tomorrow is the deadline I've given myself to finish thank you notes for everyone who's loved on us these past couple (3 on Monday!) weeks. I'm not getting far with them.[&o]

Thank you is not enough, but it's all there is to say really. I don't know why I'm having such a hard time with them. Maybe because so much seems unresolved in my thoughts and heart? Maybe I think people will stop thinking of us and praying for us if they get a thank you card? I know they won't, but...

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Nick's mom just dropped him off. She told me that the house they were going to buy (2 miles away from us) fell through. They are now planning on buying a house in the same town they are in now (15 miles away, and a different school district). It may be purely selfish, but would you pray they find a cheaper/better house in our school district? Nothing's final yet and we were really looking forward to having more time with him.



PrincessDonna -> Not a moment early, not a moment late (5/21/2006 11:45:49 AM)

Last night, Hannah was up from 11pm until 4am. Screaming. An awful horrible scream that is so unlike any I've heard from her. She wouldn't nurse, wouldn't lay down. I was very worried, sure it was something major like her appendixor worse. Several times I went back and forth whether I should take her to the ER, that's how bad it was. If she had a fever, I have no doubt I'd have taken her in.

About 2am, I gave her some Tylenol. It calmed her a little, but she didn't fall asleep until 4am, and I think then it was only from exhaustion.

At 8:30 this morning, she popped up, ready to begin the day. I, however, could have used a couple more hours of sleep.[&:] She is fine now and there is a sharp little tooth poking through the gum where there was none yesterday. All that screaming (her) and worry (me) for a tooth?![:@]

A few months ago, one of our pastors said something that has stuck with me. He said, "No one, NO ONE, will get to Heaven one second early or one second late." I have always had a fear for my kids, but it has gotten worse the past few weeks. It's like I'm waiting for God to take the next one.[:(] I know where those thoughts have come from and they are not productive in any way in my life.

God, I give my husband and my children to You. You've had them all along, right in the palm of Your hand. I can't add one second to any of their lives with my worrying, so I ask that you take that from me. Fill me with peace that comes from You alone. Oh, and thanks for being patient with me. I know I'm rather slow sometimes.[;)]



PrincessDonna -> RE: Not a moment early, not a moment late (5/22/2006 12:24:13 PM)

Several people have told me the same thing in the last three weeks. I haven't wanted to hear it. These people are all good, close friends and what they said was not hurtful, I just haven't wanted to hear it. They have told me that they were praying that God used losing this baby to heal my ongoing female issues. One of them even had something similar happen to her and has no problems at all now.

The last few days, I've been thinking more about it. Why has it bothered me so much? If I am healed, then I know God could have done it without taking my baby. That bothers me. Why would God do something wonderful by doing something horrible? I do hope that I am healed of those issues but even if I am, I will never on this earth understand why it had to be this way.

Over the last year and a half, God has been revealing Himself to me as my loving Father, something I had never truly known before. I have struggled with reconciling my loss with God's character, particularly with God as my loving Father. Then a (loose) analogy came to me...

Brian and I have decided that most of the vaccinations recommended are in our children's best interest. We take them to the doctor faithfully and have the shots done well before they are 2 years old. Our children certainly do not understand why we would torture them in such a painful way. But we know why we do it...so they won't get very bad illnesses later in life. We do it for their good, even though they don't understand.

When my kids need to have shots, I hold them on my lap. I comfort them while holding them still so the needle doesn't do unnecessary damage. I don't cry because I can see the bigger picture, but I still don't like that they are in pain. If they are still nursing, I nurse them immediately when the shots are done, to comfort and calm them. I give them Tylenol as soon as we get home, to lessen the afterpain. They are usually pretty coddled the rest of that day and the next. Snuggled more, picked up more carefully, nursed as much as they want.

Maybe, just maybe, God knows something I don't. [sm=aside.gif] Maybe this is similar to when I have to hurt my children to help them. Maybe, just maybe, God will use this loss to heal me in some way I don't know yet. I still won't understand, but I can trust that He is still my loving Father. My Abba Daddy. And I can still climb up in his lap, just like my kids do with Brian and I.

Shhhhh...don't tell Hannah...she's due for more shots next Tuesday.[;)]



PrincessDonna -> God, can I trust you with my dreams? (5/24/2006 12:00:32 PM)

Today seems to be a crying day. Once I start, it seems it's hard to stop all day. Not sobbing, just tears that won't stop flowing.

During Bible study, we all mentioned one thing we wanted prayer for victory with. My request was for faith. I think it should have been a different request now. I want to have faith that God will do what I want, not that He will accomplish His purposes. I should have asked for an obedient, submissive spirit instead.

I want another baby. I want to carry a baby for 9 months. I want to hold my newborn baby. I know Nessa is gone and she can't come back. I know that no other baby will take her place, but I do think it will ease this ache in my heart at least a little.

But look at all those "I"s...I want, I want, I want.

What if it isn't God's plan for us to have another little one? It breaks my heart to even think, but I know it is possible. It's something I need to come to terms with, accept, and give to God. I don't feel like I can trust God with my dreams right now.



PrincessDonna -> Signs of hope (5/28/2006 7:56:01 PM)

Winter is over in our part of the world. I hope. Just last week, it snowed for about an hour, though none of it stuck. But it had better not come back because now my tomatoes and peppers have been transplanted into my garden! Not only that, but my peas and beans are coming up nicely and I'm waiting on the first sprouts from my cantaloupe, watermelon and summer squash seeds.

As I was watering my garden, with the just transplanted tomatoes (I did the peppers yesterday), I was thinking how good it is to see signs of life there. Signs of delicious, nutritious fruits and veggies to come. Signs of hope.

I've seen some other signs of hope today.

Today was the first day since losing Nessa that I've been able to sing during worship. Oh, I sang through the tears, but the other weeks, I couldn't even sing. All I could do was weep before. Signs of hope.

I slipped today. I said "when we have another baby", not "if we ever have another baby". It made me tear up when I caught myself saying those words of hope, but the tears were good tears. Tears of believing that even if I never carry another baby in my womb, we will have another baby, somehow, someway. Signs of hope.

There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under heaven:
a time to be born and a time to die,
a time to plant and a time to uproot,
a time to kill and a time to heal,
a time to tear down and a time to build,
a time to weep and a time to laugh,
a time to mourn and a time to dance,
a time to scatter stones and a time to go gather them,
a time to embrace and a time to refrain,
a time to search and a time to give up,
a time to keep and a time to throw away,
a time to tear and a time to mend,
a time to be silent and a time to speak,
a time to love and a time to hate,
a time for war and a time for peace. ~Ecclesiastes 3:1-8


This is a time of waiting. Waiting for fruits and veggies. Waiting for new life. This is a time of hope.



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