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[Poll]
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To list or not to list.... ?
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| My 'list of qualities' for my future mate IS very important. |
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| My 'list of qualities' for my future mate is important. |
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| My 'list of qualities' for my future mate is NOT important. |
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| I am willing to change my 'list'. |
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| I trust God to provide my mate and don't rely on a 'list'. |
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| I don't have a 'list'. |
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Total Votes : 65
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(last vote on : 10/3/2008 1:16:53 AM)
(Poll will run till: -- )
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RE: To list or not to list.... ? - 3/21/2008 12:40:25 AM
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skreyola
Posts: 1989
Joined: 1/28/2008
From: Mars
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quote:
ORIGINAL: Dakotasunbeam
Great idea Rachel!! 
I didn't have a list for the longest time. But then I heard so much talk about lists, that I literally sat down and wrote it out. It was exhaustive and long. At the end of it, I was quite pleased at the character I had crafted. He was so specific, so detailed, so absolute--I realized I'd created "my soulmate on paper." Then I thought about it a minute . . . do I really believe in soulmates? Nah, I don't. There are many people who would make fine godly spouses. So, while I have a list around somewhere (dunno where I put it); I realize for me the most important thing is his Character in Christ. And when I am able to see that, and we are both in agreement, I'll be satisfied.
Life happens--as long as he's got the godly basics, I will find Mr. Right and he will find me. I have preferences, but I would never overlook godly character for "preferences."
Well, that's okay.
Just put your list in order of how necessary each trait is. Then draw a line at the lowest thing on the list you have to have.
I've found the list helps me to have meaningful topics to discuss with women who might be potentials.
_____________________________
-- Skreyola
http://skreyola.livejournal.com/
Linux is a multiuser, modular, peer-reviewed, free operating system. Therefore, it tends to be stable, secure, and reliable.
Open Source is good stewardship!
I run Debian Linux (http://www.debian.org/)
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RE: To list or not to list.... ? - 3/21/2008 1:03:28 AM
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OneOfHisJewels
Posts: 2675
Joined: 8/9/2007
From: California
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I have a list BUT, I figure the right person for me will either be that list or someone WHO CAN MAKE THAT LIST FLY OUT THE WINDOW.
And sorry about the sig. line coming up big and red. I didn't do it on purpose, and I can't figure out how to fix it.
(edited to fix formatting)
< Message edited by mutinywxgirl -- 3/21/2008 7:30:07 AM >
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RE: To list or not to list.... ? - 3/21/2008 1:47:56 PM
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skreyola
Posts: 1989
Joined: 1/28/2008
From: Mars
Status: offline
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quote:
ORIGINAL: OneOfHisJewels
I have a list BUT, I figure the right person for me will either be that list or someone WHO CAN MAKE THAT LIST FLY OUT THE WINDOW.
And sorry about the sig. line coming up big and red. I didn't do it on purpose, and I can't figure out how to fix it.
That's a nice thought, but I think it evidences an assumption that there are things on such a list that you consider hard-and-fast that shouldn't be on the list. If you have such a list, then having it fly out the window is fine, but I think it best if we have a solid, Biblically sound, reasonable and logical, realistic list that is a tool that helps us to 'test the spirits' with our feelings when we meet someone romantic. KWIM?
Even if, say, "She should be comfortable when the thermostat is below 74F" is contrary to my future wife's actual characteristic, its presence on my list will remind me that we need to discuss that issue and reach either an agreement or a mutually acceptable compromise. If I threw out my list, I would be inviting conflicts on these issues that might be forgotten until it's too late to discuss them coolly.
That's my 2 cents, FWIW.
(edited to fix formatting)
< Message edited by skreyola -- 3/21/2008 1:54:04 PM >
_____________________________
-- Skreyola
http://skreyola.livejournal.com/
Linux is a multiuser, modular, peer-reviewed, free operating system. Therefore, it tends to be stable, secure, and reliable.
Open Source is good stewardship!
I run Debian Linux (http://www.debian.org/)
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RE: To list or not to list.... ? - 3/21/2008 2:11:15 PM
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cammo2006
Posts: 3825
Joined: 11/25/2005
From: The home of the coathanger and the Opera House...
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quote:
ORIGINAL: skreyola
quote:
ORIGINAL: OneOfHisJewels
I have a list BUT, I figure the right person for me will either be that list or someone WHO CAN MAKE THAT LIST FLY OUT THE WINDOW.
And sorry about the sig. line coming up big and red. I didn't do it on purpose, and I can't figure out how to fix it.
That's a nice thought, but I think it evidences an assumption that there are things on such a list that you consider hard-and-fast that shouldn't be on the list. If you have such a list, then having it fly out the window is fine, but I think it best if we have a solid, Biblically sound, reasonable and logical, realistic list that is a tool that helps us to 'test the spirits' with our feelings when we meet someone romantic. KWIM?
Even if, say, "She should be comfortable when the thermostat is below 74F" is contrary to my future wife's actual characteristic, its presence on my list will remind me that we need to discuss that issue and reach either an agreement or a mutually acceptable compromise. If I threw out my list, I would be inviting conflicts on these issues that might be forgotten until it's too late to discuss them coolly.
That's my 2 cents, FWIW.
(edited to fix formatting)
That's a really good point, actually.
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RE: To list or not to list.... ? - 3/21/2008 2:23:57 PM
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Grace-N-Mercy
Posts: 6133
Joined: 5/2/2005
Status: offline
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quote:
ORIGINAL: trainfan
Back to one of the questions in the OP. I am not saying this to sound offensive to anyone but I think everyone has a list of some sort whether or not they will admit it is another story.
If you truly do not have a list you would accept an invitation for a date from or extend an invitation to anyone and I mean anyone. Regardless of age, behavior, attitude, how they smelled, criminal background, whether or not they were attractive to you or any other factor.
I was going to post something similar. We all have a list, but most of us don't put everything on that list. Next time you get creeped-out by someone, go back to your list and add a few things to it. For women, we'll see "must not be a sex offender" for guys, it might be "must not be a bar fly". We all have standards, but we don't necessarily put them on a list. KWIM?
For me, I have a fairly general list, but I know that if someone catches my eye, anything specific may just go out the window. 
Do y'all have different lists? People who you'd accept a single date from? A second date? A long-term relationship/marriage? I think I'd probably accept a date from someone who fits at least my standards (broad) but not necessarily my list (specific).
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RE: To list or not to list.... ? - 3/21/2008 2:37:31 PM
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WalkingwithHim2
Posts: 2790
Joined: 12/13/2007
Status: offline
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quote:
ORIGINAL: PrincessGiselle
quote:
ORIGINAL: Pauley464
I was assuming nothing about your list and I apologize if I gave that impression. But I simply cannot think of anything, other than a potential spouse be a christian, that could be non-negotiable.
As a mother who's children already had to deal with a horrid stepfather I would have to say there are a few things that are quite non-negotiable. Even the boys say so. God knows our hearts and desires...He'll provide what we need.
Tink, please stop reading my mind and then posting my thoughts!
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RE: To list or not to list.... ? - 3/21/2008 2:44:09 PM
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Grace-N-Mercy
Posts: 6133
Joined: 5/2/2005
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quote:
ORIGINAL: PrincessGiselle
quote:
ORIGINAL: hotsaucygma
Perhaps the idea is to keep any "list" as loose as possible, to keep it only to "non-negotiables". Otherwise maybe we put ourselves or others in a box that we can't get out, or be let out, of?
That's how mine is and I love it. It took me over 4 years to get it just the way it is and quite frankly we're all pleased with it.
Now...if only God would drop him in my lap....  *sigh*
Oh, I've just got to add... A couple of years ago, I got on a Christian dating website with my mom and son by my side. They had this glorious list made out for me. *beams* So, I put them on the website and told them to pick out the characteristics. Zero results. Then we widened it to the US - maybe 5 results, and we didn't like the pictures or they were too far away, like in Alaska. The point is, we have to broaden our search just a little bit, be open to dating a lot of people, and then let God lead you to the right one.
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RE: To list or not to list.... ? - 3/21/2008 2:50:33 PM
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Tinkerbell_
Posts: 7696
Joined: 1/25/2008
From: NeverNeverLand
Status: offline
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quote:
ORIGINAL: Pauley464
I will apologize for this in advance in case it offends, but I believe having a list that is non-negotiable makes one "picky" by definition.
By all means, don't apologise for how you feel.
HOWEVER, I know this wasn't directly aimed at me but I will take the time to respond. I am VERY picky. I am not going to just 'settle' for any single 'Christian' man just because he is. I did that once and quite frankly ended up not only hurting myself but my children. I will not do that again.
When I first began the concept of dating, my list was extensive. Since then I have broke it down to 5 items that I think are great and completely non-negotiable.
Please keep in mind there is NOTHING physical, personality wise, interests or anything else on there. Simply characteristics that I am seeking. Non-negotiable characteristics.
You say that to be non-negotiable is to be picky; however you have something on your list that you find to be non-negotiable. Why is acceptable for you to have something on your list that way when I only have four more items than you?
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RE: To list or not to list.... ? - 3/21/2008 4:18:04 PM
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Dakotasunbeam
Posts: 985
Joined: 6/2/2005
From: Midwest USA
Status: offline
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skreyola,
breaking down the list is not the point . . . what I'm saying, is that my list was like a fingerprint. It was like a cast. It will fit only one man--and that man I made up in my mind, writing characteritics and sundry on a piece of paper. Life is not like a machine where you can put the right imputs into it and get out exactly what you want. Life is dynamic. I may meet a guy who has NOTHING on my list but has EVERYTHING I need. Rigid lists and ideals do not allow one to see past the list. We'd like to think we do . . . but in most cases we don't. We end up married to a piece of paper or a fluffy ideal in our head. Some people are too married to their ideal to marry the real. I don't want to be that person.
And time and time again, God has re-arranged my narrow mind so that I can see all of the beauty I was missing with "this narrow view" and "that narrow view." Quite frankly, I am fighting every day, with God's help to continually break free stereotypes, types, lists, status quo, requirements, and prejudices. I've realized you miss the best part of life when you have a list in hand and a ready pen to check off items on people. I want my only standard to be God's standard--of godliness, holiness, love, and gentleness.
In truth, I'm not gonna marry a perfect man. I know that already. The guy I marry is gonna have faults, and shortcomings. But he will have a heart for God that demonstrates his faith and Love. He's gonna make mistakes sometimes and hurt me and upset me and do the wrong thing--but you know what? I'm gonna cry about it, pray about it, and then I'm gonna give him the biggest hug and kiss and forgive him--and we're going to keep living this life for Christ together. And I don't know what he will look like, his weight, what race, what his financial background will be, or how successful he will be.
What I do want--is to know God better and His heart, so that I can discern and identify the guy who carries the God-kind of beauty in His heart, that makes everything else dwarf in comparison.
So, I've lost my list . . . and quite frankly I'm not looking for it.
quote:
ORIGINAL: skreyola
quote:
ORIGINAL: Dakotasunbeam
Great idea Rachel!!
I didn't have a list for the longest time. But then I heard so much talk about lists, that I literally sat down and wrote it out. It was exhaustive and long. At the end of it, I was quite pleased at the character I had crafted. He was so specific, so detailed, so absolute--I realized I'd created "my soulmate on paper." Then I thought about it a minute . . . do I really believe in soulmates? Nah, I don't. There are many people who would make fine godly spouses. So, while I have a list around somewhere (dunno where I put it); I realize for me the most important thing is his Character in Christ. And when I am able to see that, and we are both in agreement, I'll be satisfied.
Life happens--as long as he's got the godly basics, I will find Mr. Right and he will find me. I have preferences, but I would never overlook godly character for "preferences."
Well, that's okay.
Just put your list in order of how necessary each trait is. Then draw a line at the lowest thing on the list you have to have.
I've found the list helps me to have meaningful topics to discuss with women who might be potentials.
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RE: To list or not to list.... ? - 3/21/2008 11:41:39 PM
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skreyola
Posts: 1989
Joined: 1/28/2008
From: Mars
Status: offline
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quote:
ORIGINAL: Dakotasunbeam
skreyola,
breaking down the list is not the point . . . what I'm saying, is that my list was like a fingerprint. It was like a cast. It will fit only one man--and that man I made up in my mind, writing characteritics and sundry on a piece of paper. Life is not like a machine where you can put the right imputs into it and get out exactly what you want. Life is dynamic. I may meet a guy who has NOTHING on my list but has EVERYTHING I need. Rigid lists and ideals do not allow one to see past the list. We'd like to think we do . . . but in most cases we don't. We end up married to a piece of paper or a fluffy ideal in our head. Some people are too married to their ideal to marry the real. I don't want to be that person.
The list is like so many things in life: computers, ovens, cars, relationships.
What you get out of it depends on what you put into it.
I think it's a lot like anything in relationships. If you try to rigidly script it, you'll strangle it. If you try to flow with it without any attention to safety, you'll miss important things.
Now, if you feel a list of any kind won't work for you, then by all means, don't use one. But I think it's silly to say that having any list at all will cause you to become married to the idea. The list is not an end-all and be-all solution to finding your mate. It's a tool to assist in pattern recognition, in my opinion.
Everyone is different, and that may not work for everyone, but I believ it's useful for most.
_____________________________
-- Skreyola
http://skreyola.livejournal.com/
Linux is a multiuser, modular, peer-reviewed, free operating system. Therefore, it tends to be stable, secure, and reliable.
Open Source is good stewardship!
I run Debian Linux (http://www.debian.org/)
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RE: To list or not to list.... ? - 3/22/2008 8:06:07 AM
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CoeurdeLeon_
Posts: 9470
Joined: 9/4/2005
From: Inside my head
Status: offline
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Can I ask a stupid question? When y'all say "list" are you talking about an actual piece of paper with writing on it? It sounds like, at one time or another, a few/some/many did physically write an actual list. Am I reading this accurately?
_____________________________
This morning I was awakened by the sound of purple
colliding with the fragrance of laughter.
Eutychus
10.13.08
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RE: To list or not to list.... ? - 3/22/2008 8:23:39 AM
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Grace-N-Mercy
Posts: 6133
Joined: 5/2/2005
Status: offline
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For me, I had a physical list (because I'm a list-maker by nature), and I've posted a list here online a long time ago. Currently, my "list" is just a mental checklist.
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RE: To list or not to list.... ? - 3/22/2008 1:00:24 PM
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Pauley464
Posts: 526
Joined: 7/29/2007
From: Washington, Indiana
Status: offline
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quote:
ORIGINAL: PrincessGiselle
quote:
ORIGINAL: Pauley464
I will apologize for this in advance in case it offends, but I believe having a list that is non-negotiable makes one "picky" by definition.
By all means, don't apologise for how you feel.
HOWEVER, I know this wasn't directly aimed at me but I will take the time to respond. I am VERY picky. I am not going to just 'settle' for any single 'Christian' man just because he is. I did that once and quite frankly ended up not only hurting myself but my children. I will not do that again.
When I first began the concept of dating, my list was extensive. Since then I have broke it down to 5 items that I think are great and completely non-negotiable.
Please keep in mind there is NOTHING physical, personality wise, interests or anything else on there. Simply characteristics that I am seeking. Non-negotiable characteristics.
You say that to be non-negotiable is to be picky; however you have something on your list that you find to be non-negotiable. Why is acceptable for you to have something on your list that way when I only have four more items than you?
I never said I wasn't picky, nor did I say that being picky is wrong. I admit to being picky, perhaps too picky considering how visually stimulated men are. I also believe very strongly that we all should be picky in at least one area--That our mate be a christian--and by christian I mean a person who is in a genuine, growing relationship with our Lord and Master and makes that relationship evident to others by the Fruits of the Spirit displayed in their daily lives. I was simply pointing out that I believe having a non-negotiable list makes a person picky, even if there is only one non-negotiable item on that list.
Perhaps I should have stated that more clearly in my last post. I included the apology because I know that being accused of being "picky" is offensive to some.
Also, I would never suggest that anyone select a person for a spouse only because he/she is a christian. There are compatibility issues to be considered along with God's will as revealed to us through our personal relationship with Him.
I am beginning to suspect that our opinions are not differing as much as we think. I wonder if the five items you have on your list are characteristics I believe would be present in a person who is in a personal relationship with God and therefore do not list seperately. Perhaps items covered by the Fruits of the Spirit.
< Message edited by Pauley464 -- 3/22/2008 1:06:56 PM >
_____________________________
There is nothing so important that it can't be put off until tomorrow.
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RE: To list or not to list.... ? - 3/22/2008 1:07:40 PM
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Pauley464
Posts: 526
Joined: 7/29/2007
From: Washington, Indiana
Status: offline
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quote:
ORIGINAL: CoeurdeLeon
Can I ask a stupid question? When y'all say "list" are you talking about an actual piece of paper with writing on it? It sounds like, at one time or another, a few/some/many did physically write an actual list. Am I reading this accurately?
My list is not actually written down on a sheet of paper. It is, instead, a mental list of qualities I desire to be present in my future spouse.
_____________________________
There is nothing so important that it can't be put off until tomorrow.
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RE: To list or not to list.... ? - 3/22/2008 2:06:36 PM
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John_O
Posts: 8005
Joined: 9/5/2006
Status: offline
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quote:
ORIGINAL: CoeurdeLeon
Can I ask a stupid question? When y'all say "list" are you talking about an actual piece of paper with writing on it? It sounds like, at one time or another, a few/some/many did physically write an actual list. Am I reading this accurately?
My list has only been written here. (Since people asked) It's mostly a mental list of characteristics I desire in a mate.
Although writing it down is a good exercise as it clarifies what is really important and what is kind of flaky. Some things (like most of my posts perhaps) just don't read as sensible as they may sound spoken or thought.
_____________________________
Psalms 46:10 Be still, and know that I am God: I will be exalted among the heathen, I will be exalted in the earth.
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RE: To list or not to list.... ? - 3/22/2008 2:10:35 PM
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skreyola
Posts: 1989
Joined: 1/28/2008
From: Mars
Status: offline
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quote:
ORIGINAL: CoeurdeLeon
Can I ask a stupid question? When y'all say "list" are you talking about an actual piece of paper with writing on it? It sounds like, at one time or another, a few/some/many did physically write an actual list. Am I reading this accurately?
Yep. I even posted mine on my LiveJournal. Want to see?
_____________________________
-- Skreyola
http://skreyola.livejournal.com/
Linux is a multiuser, modular, peer-reviewed, free operating system. Therefore, it tends to be stable, secure, and reliable.
Open Source is good stewardship!
I run Debian Linux (http://www.debian.org/)
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RE: To list or not to list.... ? - 3/22/2008 2:24:54 PM
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trainfan
Posts: 2331
Joined: 7/26/2007
From: neither here nor there
Status: offline
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quote:
ORIGINAL: CoeurdeLeon
Can I ask a stupid question? When y'all say "list" are you talking about an actual piece of paper with writing on it? It sounds like, at one time or another, a few/some/many did physically write an actual list. Am I reading this accurately?
Mine is a mental checklist. There is nothing on my list that I consider to be a preference it is all pretty basic type of non-negotable stuff.
_____________________________
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Now on Facebook trainfans model railroad pictures.
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RE: To list or not to list.... ? - 3/22/2008 4:42:14 PM
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skreyola
Posts: 1989
Joined: 1/28/2008
From: Mars
Status: offline
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quote:
ORIGINAL: AdrianaS
quote:
Yep. I even posted mine on my LiveJournal. Want to see?
Yes, show your list!
Lets exchange list information everybody...
My list is fantastic, wonderful, pretty amazing one!
Should I do that here, or start a new thread?
_____________________________
-- Skreyola
http://skreyola.livejournal.com/
Linux is a multiuser, modular, peer-reviewed, free operating system. Therefore, it tends to be stable, secure, and reliable.
Open Source is good stewardship!
I run Debian Linux (http://www.debian.org/)
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RE: To list or not to list.... ? - 3/22/2008 5:01:46 PM
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skreyola
Posts: 1989
Joined: 1/28/2008
From: Mars
Status: offline
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quote:
ORIGINAL: AdrianaS
Thats a good question!
Well...the thread is about list, if you do it is not off topic but ...who knows?
What do you think?
Probably off topic for this thread, since this is about whether or not to have a list.
_____________________________
-- Skreyola
http://skreyola.livejournal.com/
Linux is a multiuser, modular, peer-reviewed, free operating system. Therefore, it tends to be stable, secure, and reliable.
Open Source is good stewardship!
I run Debian Linux (http://www.debian.org/)
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RE: To list or not to list.... ? - 3/22/2008 5:37:30 PM
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mutinywxgirl
Posts: 12573
Joined: 4/29/2005
From: west coast of FL
Status: offline
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I'll allow it - we are talking lists.......
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Walls we couldn't move came crashing down.
We were free and made alive.
The day true love died. The day true love died.
Lisa is happy THE ROWDIES ARE BACK!
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RE: To list or not to list.... ? - 3/22/2008 10:48:34 PM
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benelchi
Posts: 2934
Joined: 9/14/2007
From: California
Status: offline
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I voted "My 'list of qualities' for my future mate IS very important",
...but I try very heard to trust God for the right list. When I put something on my list I try to remember that God sees my list, and I want to know that he would be pleased with those things that are on my list, as well as with what wasn't included. At the top of my list is: someone who has a healthy and vibrant relationship with God. If that's not there, I will not look any farther.
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RE: To list or not to list.... - Actual list - 3/22/2008 11:09:46 PM
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skreyola
Posts: 1989
Joined: 1/28/2008
From: Mars
Status: offline
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Very well. Here it is with and without explanation.
_____________________________
-- Skreyola
http://skreyola.livejournal.com/
Linux is a multiuser, modular, peer-reviewed, free operating system. Therefore, it tends to be stable, secure, and reliable.
Open Source is good stewardship!
I run Debian Linux (http://www.debian.org/)
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