What Do You Look For In A Date Online? (Full Version)

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gaylel1 -> What Do You Look For In A Date Online? (3/22/2008 5:26:47 PM)

As we talk about the subject on online dating, what you look for in a date when you do those online searches on E-harmony and other Christian dating services?

Do you look for the person who is spirtutally compatable as you-meaning that the person is in a fellowship, attending church on a regular basis and involved in a fellowship?



Or do you look for the person just because he/she is a "Christian"? (Being a Christian can say many things to many people--but my concern is that perverts often enter those sites or those who not in the faith or those who are dealing with vices are not compatable at all).


What exactly do you look for when you go on those sites?



Pauley464 -> RE: What Do You Look For In A Date Online? (3/22/2008 6:11:53 PM)

quote:

Do you look for the person who is spirtutally compatable as you-meaning that the person is in a fellowship, attending church on a regular basis and involved in a fellowship?



That is the number one item I look for. I also look for similar interests and a personality that would compliment mine.



broyce1981 -> RE: What Do You Look For In A Date Online? (3/22/2008 6:33:53 PM)

Gayle, are you asking what types of people would I initiate contact with after viewing their profile or what types of people I would physically go out on a date with?



ShallbeRebuilt -> RE: What Do You Look For In A Date Online? (3/22/2008 6:56:15 PM)

Yes, Barry; I'd like the answer to that question, too.

Since I didn't really have any idea what it would be like to be on one of these sites, it took me a while to realize some things about myself.

For instance, at first I didn't think pictures were important...but they are. Not so much because of physical attraction, but because pictures show a lot more about a person than whether they are physically attractive or not.

For instance, I'm not a rodeo fan. So if a guy comes up on my matches whose screen name is something like "Rodeoman" and his picture has him on a horse at a rodeo, then I'm not likely to initiate contact with him even if his profile sounds wonderful.

So if the guy doesn't have his pic up, and won't put it up after being asked, I close the match. It's not about superficial physical attraction, but about what I can learn about the fellow from his picture.

I have yet to actually get as far as a real "date" with anyone, so I guess there's still more to learn.

besiderself



gaylel1 -> RE: What Do You Look For In A Date Online? (3/22/2008 7:08:39 PM)

To me, pictures can say anything. For example, if a person is on a christian site and you find that man attractive because of his "looks", you have to make sure that the "looks" not device people. I've seen people who have attractive faces have the ugliest spirits as oppose to those who are "average joes" who people may think they are "ugly" by the world standards have the sweetest spirits in the world.

For example, I'm a big sports fan--but if the person practice something other than Christianity and leads me into something that is not of God's will, I will close the match.

People i will not tolarate is those in drug treatment centers, those who are practicing homosexuality and those who are involved in anger/abuse situations, etc..I've allowed it in the past because people would take advantage of me because I'm a giving person, but I found out being a child of God don't have to deal with those situations and is breaking the cycle so to speak.

People and Christians may say that it is all about physical attraction, but I beg to differ because to me it is all about the heart and the attitude of the indivisual.



AdrianaS -> RE: What Do You Look For In A Date Online? (3/22/2008 7:46:25 PM)

Well..I dont date or member of any other site in English then CW. Iam still member of Brazilian Evangelical boards.

I meet people and friends off line and etc still If was looking online etc I'm pretty much sure I would end up choosing the one who appeal to me among all other characteristics and to meet face-to-face.I do have style of looks on males that I find attractive and my preference for a long time: balds, fit and smiling male persons. There are many males that look my preference all over the place. And although the one in the picture below may be popular and now some more may find him attractive etc many of my friends always told me that my taste for males looks are ugly or I would "deserve" a more handsome and etc It runs in my family because only my Mom married a very good looking male, as the others found the unatractives just as beautiful, it seems.

bald is beautiful


I would choose bald and beautiful like the above: in 1) black, 2) brown and 3) white, please! [;)]



John_O -> RE: What Do You Look For In A Date Online? (3/22/2008 10:30:06 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: gaylel1

As we talk about the subject on online dating, what you look for in a date when you do those online searches on E-harmony and other Christian dating services?

Do you look for the person who is spirtutally compatable as you-meaning that the person is in a fellowship, attending church on a regular basis and involved in a fellowship?

Or do you look for the person just because he/she is a "Christian"? (Being a Christian can say many things to many people--but my concern is that perverts often enter those sites or those who not in the faith or those who are dealing with vices are not compatable at all).

What exactly do you look for when you go on those sites?


First I see if they look physically attractive to me (looks, height weight, body type, correct age range). Call me shallow if you want but at least I'm honest about it. If I wouldn't want to look at her for the rest of my life why would I spend the time pursuing her?

Then I check if they want kids (simply because it falls there on the form). If they don't want kids they are disqualified. (It would be unfair to them for me to pursue them as they could never live up to what I'm looking for)

Then I see what her religious involvement is. I've only spent time on Christian cafe and they have a question about church attendence and another on the importance of their faith. "Once in a while" or similar reposnse to thsoe two are immediate disqualifiers.

Then I check smokers. Smokers are disqaulified.

Then on to the essay questions. Here I look for honesty and truth that is not buried under a fog of Christianese. So many profiles read exactly the same. "I want to follow the Lord with all my heart and do kingdom work wherever I am and I want world peace" This tells me nothing except that they've read a few profiles. SHOW me you want to follow the Lord. your words should convey a love for God and a love for people without having to resort to boilerplate Christianese.

I look for common interests, common thought processes (that certain something in the way they write that tells me we'd understand each other), common goals etc.


And lastly, I look for someone who'll answer my email. So far no takers.[:(]

Am I picky? You bet. And I expect them to be at least as picky. I'm not looking for a friend I'm looking for a wife.



gaylel1 -> RE: What Do You Look For In A Date Online? (3/22/2008 10:54:49 PM)

quote:

So many profiles read exactly the same. "I want to follow the Lord with all my heart and do kingdom work wherever I am and I want world peace" This tells me nothing except that they've read a few profiles. SHOW me you want to follow the Lord. your words should convey a love for God and a love for people without having to resort to boilerplate Christianese.


I agree. This is how people get ripped off because it says "Christian" on the post, but to me, it should say much, much more.

Being and doing is two different things.



John_O -> RE: What Do You Look For In A Date Online? (3/22/2008 11:29:52 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: gaylel1

quote:

So many profiles read exactly the same. "I want to follow the Lord with all my heart and do kingdom work wherever I am and I want world peace" This tells me nothing except that they've read a few profiles. SHOW me you want to follow the Lord. your words should convey a love for God and a love for people without having to resort to boilerplate Christianese.


I agree. This is how people get ripped off because it says "Christian" on the post, but to me, it should say much, much more.

Being and doing is two different things.


I really don't think you can determine all those "doing" things in a profile though. You have to talk (at least) for a while and get to know them to find who they really are.



Prairiehiker -> RE: What Do You Look For In A Date Online? (3/22/2008 11:54:05 PM)

When viewing profiles, first I look at the picture. No picture, no response. I feel like people are hiding something when they post a profile without posting a picture. If I find him physically attractive, I read the written profile. If there's no evidence that he's a true Christ follower, I move on. If they demonstrate through their written profile that they are authentic followers of Christ, then, I would most likely communicate with them.

So far, no such luck. I've been on E harmony for months. Though I haven't subscribe, I've received countless matches that didn't meet the two most important criteria for me to even start something.



rgod -> RE: What Do You Look For In A Date Online? (3/23/2008 9:08:02 AM)

quote:

As we talk about the subject on online dating, what you look for in a date when you do those online searches on E-harmony and other Christian dating services? Do you look for the person who is spirtutally compatable as you-meaning that the person is in a fellowship, attending church on a regular basis and involved in a fellowship? Or do you look for the person just because he/she is a "Christian"? (Being a Christian can say many things to many people--but my concern is that perverts often enter those sites or those who not in the faith or those who are dealing with vices are not compatable at all). What exactly do you look for when you go on those sites?


Hi Gayle,

I'm totally new to this, but thought I'd respond with what I do thus far. Because I've not dated a lot before, my objective is simply to get to know people. I'm pretty up front with that. If I meet my husband, then that will be great. I want to be married, but am in no rush. But meeting my husband isn't my expectation/goal for online dating. It takes the pressure off of finding "the one." I also believe that the Lord gives me discernment - so as I'm communicating with the person, whether online or not, I ask God about them, to reveal whether or not they are a child of God. You know how sometimes someone can say all of the right words but something behind them isn't right - the Spirit isn't right? I "listen" for that. And while I definitely talk about Jesus, I don't always share a lot about my walk at first - instead, I wait and see where he is (if he has a walk at all). And I ask questions about where he is spiritually. I just try to listen to the Lord - if something doesn't feel right, I go with that. And I guard my heart - I don't let sweet talk get to me; after all, anyone can say anything.

So what do I look for? I look for someone who seems genuine - who has similar interests and who seems like he might be interesting to talk with. I look at age and if there is a basic level of attractiveness. I used to look at ethnicity, but don't anymore. I also look for evidence that he has a relationship with Christ. I don't necessarily look at whether or not he professes to be a Christian as much as I look at what he values, what books he reads, how he responds to questions, and I look for markers of a growing Christian. While church attendance is good, there are a lot of unsaved people at church.

I also look to see how a guy treats the issue of sex (I don't bring it up - I wait for him to do it). If he stresses it a lot and too casually, then while he might or might not be a perv, at minimum, this shows me something about what he expects in a dating relationship. (This is different from physical attraction which should be present.) Because I recognize that the dating world has changed and the "hookup" is the norm, me not being willing to "hook up" with anyone outside of marriage is a great sifter. Because of that, I expect a certain amount of rejection, and I'm comfortable with that. Also while I might flirt a little bit (the modern day equivalent of batting the eyes), I don't do anything suggestive or respond to anything suggestive. I slow everything down with substantive conversation. If they aren't willing to talk then I let them go. That alone will weed out a lot of pervs because many of them are impatient.

But this happens in real life too. A classmate of mine showed an interest in me last semester. He's a really smart guy and we had a couple of good conversations about careers/school. I was so clueless about it that I didn't realize it until the semester was over that there was a bit more to one of the conversations (and he wanted to take it further). Well, we are in a class again this semester and I'm seeing a different side of him. While I don't think he is a perv, he is a worldly guy who has probably broken up with his girlfriend and who is ... ahem ... in need of attention. He has made a few suggestive comments in class and his last presentation was a bit R rated. That, coupled with the fact that I don't see the evidence of Christ in his life (although he does know about the Bible) has led me to feel that we would not be compatible.

In the "R" rated class, God gave me the opportunity to stand up for Christ and I was able to talk about him a bit. I was nervous because I hadn't planned on it - but the word says that we should always be ye ever prepared ... The class was so quiet. One person was getting ready to oppose me, but I answered her simply and unapologetically. The bible says let your yes be yes and your no be no. I'm very surprised that I didn't get more opposition, but I think that God gave me that platform to talk about him and to let people know that I am not ashamed of the gospel. So I'm thankful that I didn't see that he was "interested" in me. I think that was God's mercy to me - because I liked a lot of things about his personality, but wasn't quite sure about where he stood with Christ.

Back to the online dating - I really sift through the profile - and evaluate everything. Does it all seem to fit together? For example, I had two men in my early days on eharmony who said they were Christian but that they also really enjoyed reading the 48 Laws of Power. Well, I googled the book, found it online and quickly saw that it was satanic in nature - it is all about how to manipulate people using intimidation and other tactics so that you have the upper hand. Needless to say, that was the last communication that was exchanged.

But I think most of all, I trust that God's discernment is working in my life. I also recognize that I can be fooled, so in addition to prayer, if things look like they can become serious with someone, I share it with family and friends to get their feedback. Mostly though I pray.

rgod



broyce1981 -> RE: What Do You Look For In A Date Online? (3/23/2008 9:34:13 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: rgod

I also look to see how a guy treats the issue of sex (I don't bring it up - I wait for him to do it).


This statement makes me curious....what if the guy doesn't bring up the issue? For me, I wouldn't bring up the issue unless I was in a very committed relationship with good possibility of it ending in marriage. I've never seen a need to address it before then. What would you think if a guy you were communicating with online never mentioned it?



AdrianaS -> RE: What Do You Look For In A Date Online? (3/23/2008 12:21:11 PM)

Nobody asked me anything but I just give my oppinion about the issue of sex. To me I have a clear line that those talking is about to sure happen with someone you sure you have serious intentions to commit for life etc.

But, as nowdays the rampant risings of all addictions going on in society and unfortunatly we see the consequences of those addictions in marriages in crises because of those etc I would include sexual addiction to pornography and etc in the same standing as all other addictions as alchool, drugs etc As we dont have to explain why addicts of substances are out of our lists, as "everybody" knows the consequences of that and etc then by standing clear cut about sex addictions in my mind we dont need to explain why. People that are into it have to come across and realize and go to steps programs and etc etc


Then if I had profile online etc sex addictions would be among others addictions I cross out. Hmm I trully dont feel confortable with this online situation, to my style and personality face-to-face straight forth, meeting people etc



vikingfan -> RE: What Do You Look For In A Date Online? (3/23/2008 2:38:19 PM)

I find that talking about sex (or more specifically, physical expectations) can be quite useful. I tend to be someone who prefers to hold the line pretty far back as far as the physical side goes, so if she is wanting to do that kind of thing more, that kind of crosses her off.

I haven't searched online at all, but it seems that it's really not a whole lot different than searching for someone in real life...but in any case, I look first and foremost at their willingness to talk about spiritual issues and where they are. For example, a good question might be: "What did you learn in your devotions this week?" I don't measure church attendance and so forth so much...anybody can be at church. It requires far more to have a living relationship with Him.



rgod -> RE: What Do You Look For In A Date Online? (3/23/2008 3:26:14 PM)

quote:

This statement makes me curious....what if the guy doesn't bring up the issue? For me, I wouldn't bring up the issue unless I was in a very committed relationship with good possibility of it ending in marriage. I've never seen a need to address it before then. What would you think if a guy you were communicating with online never mentioned it?


I would probably assume that we were on the same page when it comes to sex before marriage. I would also feel very respected. In fact, that is the type of guy that I'm looking for -- someone who, while being affectionate and attracted to me, can submit that drive under the control of the Lord. No one is perfect and everyone gets weak sometimes - and if we get serious I can understand that we might bump up against the boundaries from time to time. I wouldn't hold that against him. But it shouldn't be something that is frequent. The man that can exercise that type of control is extremely desireable to the right woman. After all, what better husband material can you get than that? And what better testament to his character?

Online, guys might not come out and ask about sex, but a guy might ask if I'm affectionate; this isn't necessarily a sex question, but I use it as an opportunity to say that while I am affectionate, because I am a Christian, there is a certain line that I don't cross. A christian guy who is interested in protecting my virtue and in following the will of the father will understand this and won't push and press me on it.

On the other hand, if we were meeting face to face and dating, but I didn't get a sense that a man was physically attracted to me that would raise a huge flag. I've had this happen to me twice in the past -- both guys were homosexual. A man doesn't have to say anything or press me for sex for me to know that he finds me attractive (if I'm paying attention ... I can be kind of clueless sometimes). He won't be able to help it - it will come out in a myriad of ways. It will be in the way he approaches me, reacts to others who might be interested in me, the way he watches me when he thinks I'm not looking, how he reacts if I accidentally brush his hand, the way he guides me through the door, the way he smiles at me and catches my eye. Or it might also be in the way he removes himself if he feels that there is too much temptation. I think it boils down to keep your eyes and ears wide open -- and the man at arms length (to quote Elizabeth Eliott) especially in the initial stages.

I agree with you that once you get serious, it should definitely be discussed. I've not gotten there yet, but when I do, I'll have to pray about how to handle it.

quote:

What did you learn in your devotions this week?"


This is great Viking -- I'm going to use this. It is a great question to help me know if a person is walking with Christ. Thanks!

rgod



dinomax55 -> RE: What Do You Look For In A Date Online? (3/23/2008 5:22:36 PM)

I look at the pictures first- and there needs to be more than one picture, because you want to make sure that: a) they are not clipping a general photo; and b) it gives you the chance to see them in a variety of situations. If it looks too professional (and guys, even if the girl is a model, there needs to be a couple of 'real life' pics) then I would be wary of scams, pretenders, and the like. Specifically I look at a girl's eyes and smile. If you are not attracted to the person, don't force it out of some sense of spiritual duty or some-such. Not a good idea.

Next I read what she has to say about herself. How descriptive is she, and how articulate? I don't expect to know all of a girl's hopes and dreams from reading her profile, but if a person is serious about dating online (and smart about it) then they will reveal their core values early on, yet not put their whole life story out there for all to see. Maturity is the key. Of course, it's easy for anyone to say 'I'm a Christian', so I reserve judgment on that until we've exchanged a few emails. Also, humor is vital, and it's important that your senses of humor match up, or you'll never connect. Hopefully, the profile will reveal at least a hint of humor. There are lots of women online who, being afraid of releasing too much personal information, reveal nothing about themselves at all. I bypass those stone walls- If you aren't going to give it a chance, why try it in the first place? You're just wasting your and some other person's time.

Now, if there is at least mutual curiosity, then exchange pleasant emails, just asking basic questions, and at the same time getting a feel for the other person's emotional maturity and character. I watch out for too much anger/ bitterness, and too much emotional involvement- I have my drama radar on maximum, because if she is emotionally vomiting on a complete stranger, imagine how bad it will be after you've been involved for a while. Now while no one is perfect, and we all have our ups and downs, but it's how we handle them that makes us attractive people. You should, after a few emails, be able to gauge their seriousness and also their level of spiritual maturity. In communicating, I'm not looking for a spiritual giant, but a desire to grow in Christ.

Remember, to make online dating work, you have to be safe, yet have an open mind- being judgmental will get you nothing but frustration. Trust, but verify.



gaylel1 -> RE: What Do You Look For In A Date Online? (3/23/2008 9:56:19 PM)

I think the common complaint, "There are decivers at church in real life, I don't agree with--it's really half and half with the church and online, but online it is much more worse because anyone can write words, even you and I. But we have to be the words we write and not doing an act.



dinomax55 -> RE: What Do You Look For In A Date Online? (3/23/2008 10:25:17 PM)

Gayle, there is some truth to what you are saying, but if you are too focused on exposing the deceitful, you will not have time to focus on the genuine. If you are not comfortable with online dating at all, then maybe it's not for you.



kountrykia45 -> RE: What Do You Look For In A Date Online? (3/23/2008 10:56:56 PM)

What I would look for in a date online, if I was you, we both would love the Lord first, someone saved. Never married, and an older man with maturity, who loved the outdoors, and living in the country, a family man.



rgod -> RE: What Do You Look For In A Date Online? (3/23/2008 11:11:57 PM)

Gayle,

You have a great point. I think meeting someone in person is better because you have more sources of information. You can see their actions, hear their tone of voice, watch body language. To me, I see online dating as the first step to meeting people since many of us are no longer in towns where we know everyone or get a chance to really interact with people on a daily basis. But nothing is a substitute for meeting the person in the flesh and interacting with them over time ...

rgod



Prairiehiker -> RE: What Do You Look For In A Date Online? (3/23/2008 11:16:59 PM)

I think finding people date, whether it's online, or offline, requires the same degree of common sense. Know the tools that's effective for dating. Know yourself and what you want. Know your deal breakers. Know your boundaries, and keep them intact. Learn to discern. Don't get emotionally attached until you know the person and have spent a considerable amount of time with the person in person (not online).

For online dating, I don't suggest spending too long of a time chatting online. Meet after a couple of weeks to see if there's mutual interest and chemistry in real life. If there's none, then move on and don't waste your time. IF there is chemistry, then proceed to getting the person a little better. Be ready to walk away if you spot a deal breaker.

There's people who will deceive you whether you meet them in a church or online. I've heard horror stories of people dating people they met in a church. It's the same online. You hear good stories as well. The important thing is you have to practice good judgment regardless of what kind of dating you're doing.



gaylel1 -> RE: What Do You Look For In A Date Online? (3/23/2008 11:49:34 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: dinomax55

Gayle, there is some truth to what you are saying, but if you are too focused on exposing the deceitful, you will not have time to focus on the genuine. If you are not comfortable with online dating at all, then maybe it's not for you.



So what you are saying that to take any man who say they are a christian? I'm sorry, but I beg to differ. I'ts like people telling me, "Well you should not judge," but unfortnatly, we live in a world that people who have issues and people's lives are in danger. And that include a world which is in decit, because like I said before, anyone can say they are a Christian, but the fruit has to be shown here.

And yes, someone who has to be under a spiritual covering is also important. I mean for my future husband, he has to be taught so he can lead in the home.

I'm sorry if you and I don't agree in this area.



vikingfan -> RE: What Do You Look For In A Date Online? (3/24/2008 1:29:14 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: rgod

quote:

What did you learn in your devotions this week?"


This is great Viking -- I'm going to use this. It is a great question to help me know if a person is walking with Christ. Thanks!

rgod


You are most certainly welcome. Some others I've thought of, feel free to give me feedback. Also feel free to add your own.

"What spiritual gifts do you feel like the Lord has given you and how have you exercised them lately?"
"How do you feel the Lord wants to use you in furthering His kingdom?"
"What are your top 5 favorite Bible passages/verses and why?"
(a takeoff of Solomon's situation with the Lord early in his reign) "If the Lord appeared to you and told you that He would grant you one thing, what would you ask for, and why?"

Just some starters...I might add more later.



dinomax55 -> RE: What Do You Look For In A Date Online? (3/24/2008 8:03:29 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: gaylel1

quote:

ORIGINAL: dinomax55

Gayle, there is some truth to what you are saying, but if you are too focused on exposing the deceitful, you will not have time to focus on the genuine. If you are not comfortable with online dating at all, then maybe it's not for you.



So what you are saying that to take any man who say they are a christian? I'm sorry, but I beg to differ. I'ts like people telling me, "Well you should not judge," but unfortnatly, we live in a world that people who have issues and people's lives are in danger. And that include a world which is in decit, because like I said before, anyone can say they are a Christian, but the fruit has to be shown here.

And yes, someone who has to be under a spiritual covering is also important. I mean for my future husband, he has to be taught so he can lead in the home.

I'm sorry if you and I don't agree in this area.

No Gayle, that is not what I am saying.. My point is that you shouldn't waste your time with the process at all if you feel that there are too many people who are not genuine in online dating. Why sulk about it?
As for me, yes, I've met some women who misrepresented themselves, but I don't dwell on that. I focus on the people that turned out to be authentic, doing their best to follow Christ, and encouraging me to do the same. The only thing you can do about the liars is avoid them.

Dating is supposed to have some degree of enjoyment.. Remember it's not like a job or some other responsibility.. It's supposed to be fun! Of course there will always be those bad apples out there, but then you can meet bad apples at church or at a conference or whatever. If all you are focused on are the bad apples, then that's all you are going to get.



dinomax55 -> RE: What Do You Look For In A Date Online? (3/24/2008 8:39:30 AM)

Let me add one other thing before I amble off to work.. with online dating, it's important to start off with the proper expectation.. Online 'dating' is really just a medium to meet people.. the 'dating' part is a misnomer, because it is impossible to truly get to know someone and 'date' them exclusively online. If you find a match on a website, you won't truly get to know the person until you've communicated and met up. I had an experience where the girl said all of the right things, but had used someone else's photos on her profile page.. Of course, I was in for a shock when we met face to face, and ended the communication then and there. So unless you meet up (and relatively quickly), you are just clinging to a hope, nothing real.



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