Did I do something wrong with this guy? (Full Version)

All Forums >> [Life] >> Relationships



Message

retro-goddess -> Did I do something wrong with this guy? (3/28/2008 11:50:24 AM)

I'm single, in my late 30's and have had so many up and down rollercoasters with men in the last few years that I decided to take a break and work on myself, my relationship to God and with people, and not worry so much about dating. When God is ready to introduce me to the "one" He will.

So....I volunteer in a ministry which is by default mostly single men who really aren't looking for a wife and don't have girlfriends, by choice or whatever. I figure, great! I'm not thinking about marriage, these guys aren't either, we can all serve God together. It will be that simple. Not quite.

There's one man who leads this. I respect him and talk to him and we get along pretty well. We don't call each other, email once in a while and mostly talk in person. I have my boundaries. He has is. All was good until a few weeks ago. It went from us chatting and being friendly with no pressure to something else. NOW he's started to go out of his way to talk with me and ask questions and is friendly, but seems standoffish, but not in an avoiding type of way. He used to initiate physical contact like shaking my hand and now longer does. It's like he's scared of me or nervous? It all happened after I was at his house for a bible study and ended up chatting for about 1 1/2 hours in his foyer. After that the behavior changed.

I'm trying to figure out if I did something wrong?



shadowspring -> RE: Did I do something wrong with this guy? (3/28/2008 12:01:21 PM)

My guess is that he finds himself attracted to you, but hesitates to act on that attraction because of fear.

It could be fear that his emotions are leading him, not the Holy Spirit, and he doesn't want to do anything that is not Spirit-led.

It could be fear that you do not have a reciprocal attraction to him, and he does not want to face the rejection.

Conversely, he could fear that you are attracted to him in a way he does not reciprocate, and he does not want to lead you on in any way.

Fear is such a downer. [:'(] I suggest you simply continue to act as if the conversation you shared was no more (or less!) special than a conversation with any other friend in your life. He should relax eventually. [:)]



preserved -> RE: Did I do something wrong with this guy? (3/28/2008 3:33:07 PM)

He may be trying to keep his feelings to himself. This ministry that you are referrinf to is perhaps a place where single men are able to bond and associate.. It may not necessairly mean that they would never married. All you said that they were not seeking a wife and no girlfriends...Why did you join a ministry with mostly men?? Are there any females?



retro-goddess -> RE: Did I do something wrong with this guy? (3/28/2008 3:43:04 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: preserved

He may be trying to keep his feelings to himself. This ministry that you are referrinf to is perhaps a place where single men are able to bond and associate.. It may not necessairly mean that they would never married. All you said that they were not seeking a wife and no girlfriends...Why did you join a ministry with mostly men?? Are there any females?


The ministry is actually doing evangelism on the street weekly and there are some women that come out, but I'm probably the most consistent woman that does come out, so I always see these same 3-4 guys every week. This guy in question will also have Bible study or prayer and I will normally attend those since he's close to where I live. I also just finished helping him organizing an evangelism class, so for the past few weeks our interaction with each other has been more than once or twice a week.



preserved -> RE: Did I do something wrong with this guy? (3/28/2008 4:00:33 PM)

ok..Since you appear to be the most active female in the group...He may be gaining an interest and does not know how to handle..causing him to be uncomfortable. You area a threat to him...not in the negative way...Remember what you initially said...men not looking for wives nor girlfriend...However, they are still men..Just continue to be yourself and let him handle his own. Just focus on the ministry...let God do the rest.



retro-goddess -> RE: Did I do something wrong with this guy? (3/28/2008 4:21:11 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: preserved

ok..Since you appear to be the most active female in the group...He may be gaining an interest and does not know how to handle..causing him to be uncomfortable. You area a threat to him...not in the negative way...Remember what you initially said...men not looking for wives nor girlfriend...However, they are still men..Just continue to be yourself and let him handle his own. Just focus on the ministry...let God do the rest.


Thanks for your feedback! I should rephrase that initial statement. These guys have put God first and marriage and dating second. They aren't the type of guys who are dating or getting interested in different women every week. They are serious about ministry and serving the Lord.

But this same guy teases me about a guy friend I have, and we're just friends. He's said...."are you and so-and-so buddies" which ticked me off. I was also listening to a voicemail and he says, "Is that so-and-so" and part of me wants to say back, "If you're so interested in so-and-so, why don't you call him!"

If you feel I am a threat to his ministry because I may be a distraction, should I stop? But then again, I did not do anything if he has feelings for me, if that's the case. To me, if he has a problem with me, he should talk to me about it, I would hope. I'm just trying to be a godly woman, nice and respectful, and serve. Ugh, sometimes it can be so hard!



stimulus -> RE: Did I do something wrong with this guy? (3/28/2008 5:17:40 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: retro-goddess

quote:

ORIGINAL: preserved

ok..Since you appear to be the most active female in the group...He may be gaining an interest and does not know how to handle..causing him to be uncomfortable. You area a threat to him...not in the negative way...Remember what you initially said...men not looking for wives nor girlfriend...However, they are still men..Just continue to be yourself and let him handle his own. Just focus on the ministry...let God do the rest.


Thanks for your feedback! I should rephrase that initial statement. These guys have put God first and marriage and dating second. They aren't the type of guys who are dating or getting interested in different women every week. They are serious about ministry and serving the Lord.

But this same guy teases me about a guy friend I have, and we're just friends. He's said...."are you and so-and-so buddies" which ticked me off. I was also listening to a voicemail and he says, "Is that so-and-so" and part of me wants to say back, "If you're so interested in so-and-so, why don't you call him!"

If you feel I am a threat to his ministry because I may be a distraction, should I stop? But then again, I did not do anything if he has feelings for me, if that's the case. To me, if he has a problem with me, he should talk to me about it, I would hope. I'm just trying to be a godly woman, nice and respectful, and serve. Ugh, sometimes it can be so hard!



My situation is different, but similar in many ways, and I just have to say I feel your pain!

I'm a little younger (late 20s), and my friend and I have known each other for a few years. We've worked together closely in ministry in the past, but then I left for a couple years. Now, we're back together in the same group, except he's in charge. Like you, I respect him, and we get along well. We talk rarely outside of church services and functions (well, he always asks me out to dinner with his friends after our services, and I'm the only woman who ever goes), but we talk all the time at church functions, sometimes at length. He seeks me out often, but at times, is a little withdrawn, maybe even upset with me.

I can't figure out my own situation. Does he like me but thinks I don't like him? Does he not like me but thinks I like him? Does he think we're just friends, but is trying to maintain some distance? Does he even feel at all awkward or is it just me?

If I can't figure out my own mess, I sure can't solve yours. I have the same questions - does the relationship, whatever it is, threaten his ministry? Should I go elsewhere? Or should I just keep on serving in the group and let what comes come?

I don't want to bail on the group just because it's a little awkward at times. Nor do I want to undermine his leadership or spiritual authority or anything else. And so it sounds like we have at least a similar struggle.

The only thing I can offer advice to you on is responding to him when he asks things like, "Is that so-and-so?" I would smile and joke back, "What? Are you jealous?" and see where that goes. It could either get him to back off if he isn't interested in you as a girlfriend or get him to open up about it if he is.

So, all this begs the question, if he were to ask you out, what would you say?



preserved -> RE: Did I do something wrong with this guy? (3/28/2008 5:33:37 PM)

ok..now that you've cleared up the wive and girlfriend issue..They are focusing on in the ministry. I suspect that this guy likes you because of the conversations you've shared. Evangelist Ministry requires focus and attention. He has drawn an interest. So no you were just being yourself...You pray that this is the ministry in which he has called you to do and focus on that....By him asking those question..he has gotten comfortable with you...You may need to ask him why is he asking the question to see how he replies..Then you can focus from there..He getting into your business[;)]



TMeeks -> RE: Did I do something wrong with this guy? (3/28/2008 8:46:39 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: retro-goddess

I'm single, in my late 30's and have had so many up and down rollercoasters with men in the last few years that I decided to take a break and work on myself, my relationship to God and with people, and not worry so much about dating. When God is ready to introduce me to the "one" He will.

So....I volunteer in a ministry which is by default mostly single men who really aren't looking for a wife and don't have girlfriends, by choice or whatever. I figure, great! I'm not thinking about marriage, these guys aren't either, we can all serve God together. It will be that simple. Not quite.

There's one man who leads this. I respect him and talk to him and we get along pretty well. We don't call each other, email once in a while and mostly talk in person. I have my boundaries. He has is. All was good until a few weeks ago. It went from us chatting and being friendly with no pressure to something else. NOW he's started to go out of his way to talk with me and ask questions and is friendly, but seems standoffish, but not in an avoiding type of way. He used to initiate physical contact like shaking my hand and now longer does. It's like he's scared of me or nervous? It all happened after I was at his house for a bible study and ended up chatting for about 1 1/2 hours in his foyer. After that the behavior changed.

I'm trying to figure out if I did something wrong?

I have to question the wisdom of a single woman ministering to single men... for just the reasons you've described. Surely there is another ministry that you can find.



buckifn -> RE: Did I do something wrong with this guy? (3/28/2008 9:28:32 PM)

yes, it is very unwise to put yourself in a position of being around mostly single men, and use the cover of "ministry." Single women are not called to minister to single men.



retro-goddess -> RE: Did I do something wrong with this guy? (3/28/2008 10:33:26 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: buckifn

yes, it is very unwise to put yourself in a position of being around mostly single men, and use the cover of "ministry." Single women are not called to minister to single men.



I'm not sure where you got that idea, but I'm not ministering to single men. I happen to be in a group that INCLUDES single men and we go out at do on-the-street to the lost, men and women alike, and work with tennagers in the area to help them with getting experience in doing the same thing.



stimulus -> RE: Did I do something wrong with this guy? (3/29/2008 1:59:46 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: retro-goddess

quote:

ORIGINAL: buckifn

yes, it is very unwise to put yourself in a position of being around mostly single men, and use the cover of "ministry." Single women are not called to minister to single men.


I'm not sure where you got that idea, but I'm not ministering to single men. I happen to be in a group that INCLUDES single men and we go out at do on-the-street to the lost, men and women alike, and work with tennagers in the area to help them with getting experience in doing the same thing.


I don't think it's wise for a single woman to lead a ministry for single men, but that's clearly not what you are doing. I don't think you should leave the team just because it puts you in the position of being around several single men. People shouldn't use ministry as a "cover" to meet dates, but again, that's not what you are doing.

I don't intend to stop being a part of the ministry I'm involved with just because of the sometimes awkward relationship I have with the group's leader. Come on, no one expects me to quit my job (in "ministry") because men work there, do they?

I don't think you should quit unless it gets too awkward and it really distracts others. But it sounds like you and the guy just need to talk about it.



buckifn -> RE: Did I do something wrong with this guy? (3/29/2008 3:39:24 AM)

If you can't understand God does not call single women to meet with single men one on one in a private chat at his house for an hour and a half then I can't help you.



stimulus -> RE: Did I do something wrong with this guy? (3/29/2008 4:20:39 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: buckifn

If you can't understand God does not call single women to meet with single men one on one in a private chat at his house for an hour and a half then I can't help you.


Oh, good grief. She didn't say God had called her to have a lengthy private chat with him. If you think it's unwise to spend that much time alone with him, why not just say that?

Is it wrong for single men and women to engage in ministry together? Wrong for him, as a single man, to have single women attending his Bible study? It's not like they are the only two people involved. Sometimes, they have private conversations. Those are inevitable among ministry leaders and volunteers. At my work (a ministry), lots of the directors (mostly men) have female assistants. Is it wrong for them to have private conversations? If not, why is it wrong for volunteers?

Where in the Bible does it say, exactly, that single men and women aren't "called" to have private conversations? Exactly how do you propose singles go from not talking to each other privately to being married?

It may be difficult for her to continue in the ministry if one likes the other but the feelings aren't mutual. But restricting single, opposite-sex people from ministering together as an absolute rule sure does a lot to hinder ministry with little, if any, biblical basis.

retro, what did you and the leader talk about for the 1.5 hours in his home? The nature of that conversation could indicate a lot concerning whether he likes you and is acting weird because of it or is just trying to maintain more distance for proprieties sake.



preserved -> RE: Did I do something wrong with this guy? (3/29/2008 4:46:38 PM)

I am think now...I am betting on that you are the only female within this ministry who stayed in his home as single man chatting in the foyer of his home for an 1 1/2 after the Bible Study??? This is what probably caused the change. The evangelist minstry is not a single's ministry...



retro-goddess -> RE: Did I do something wrong with this guy? (3/29/2008 6:37:05 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: buckifn

If you can't understand God does not call single women to meet with single men one on one in a private chat at his house for an hour and a half then I can't help you.



What the heck, you're making it sound like I somehow disobeyed God when I needed to talk with him and somehow it's MY fault when the guy also continued the conversation.



retro-goddess -> RE: Did I do something wrong with this guy? (3/29/2008 6:42:08 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: stimulus

quote:

ORIGINAL: buckifn

If you can't understand God does not call single women to meet with single men one on one in a private chat at his house for an hour and a half then I can't help you.


Oh, good grief. She didn't say God had called her to have a lengthy private chat with him. If you think it's unwise to spend that much time alone with him, why not just say that?

Is it wrong for single men and women to engage in ministry together? Wrong for him, as a single man, to have single women attending his Bible study? It's not like they are the only two people involved. Sometimes, they have private conversations. Those are inevitable among ministry leaders and volunteers. At my work (a ministry), lots of the directors (mostly men) have female assistants. Is it wrong for them to have private conversations? If not, why is it wrong for volunteers?

Where in the Bible does it say, exactly, that single men and women aren't "called" to have private conversations? Exactly how do you propose singles go from not talking to each other privately to being married?

It may be difficult for her to continue in the ministry if one likes the other but the feelings aren't mutual. But restricting single, opposite-sex people from ministering together as an absolute rule sure does a lot to hinder ministry with little, if any, biblical basis.

retro, what did you and the leader talk about for the 1.5 hours in his home? The nature of that conversation could indicate a lot concerning whether he likes you and is acting weird because of it or is just trying to maintain more distance for proprieties sake.


I needed to talk with him afterwards about a comment he made about my salary the night before. I do well at my job and contribute to ministries at my church and I'm sensitive about my salary, so I asked him to please not make comments anymore. After that was cleared, we just chatted about his family, his job, church, random things. It's not like I was holding him hostage or something. I was standing at his door with my coat on the whole time. We just started talking about different things and before you know it, 1 1/2 hours had passed. If he had wanted to get rid of me, he could have easily said "I need to get to bed, etc." I was the one who finally said, "Gee, it's late, I need to go."



retro-goddess -> RE: Did I do something wrong with this guy? (3/29/2008 6:43:30 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: preserved

I am think now...I am betting on that you are the only female within this ministry who stayed in his home as single man chatting in the foyer of his home for an 1 1/2 after the Bible Study??? This is what probably caused the change. The evangelist minstry is not a single's ministry...


Well, I'm not using this ministry as a singles ministry.



Prairiehiker -> RE: Did I do something wrong with this guy? (3/29/2008 6:50:41 PM)

Let's get back to the topic.

You're wondering what's up with this guy. If I were you, I'd casually say, "hey, I notice you're a bit different lately. Are you ok? Is anything wrong?" See what he says. But do it very casually, you know, like chatting with an old friend that you used to hang out with quite often. Check your emotions at the door when you have this conversation, but be sensitive to what he says, and how he replies. IF he's a true leader, he'd at least try to give you some information about why he's acting the way he is. I might not have anything to do with you.

Pray for wisdom and for the right timing before you approach him.



preserved -> RE: Did I do something wrong with this guy? (3/29/2008 7:03:10 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: retro-goddess

quote:

ORIGINAL: preserved

I am think now...I am betting on that you are the only female within this ministry who stayed in his home as single man chatting in the foyer of his home for an 1 1/2 after the Bible Study??? This is what probably caused the change. The evangelist minstry is not a single's ministry...


Well, I'm not using this ministry as a singles ministry.


Retro-goddess...I never said that you were using this ministry as a single's ministry...I am trying to figure why you asked the question and you do not want to hear the responses...If I am correct you asked did you do something wrong with this guy? We have given you clues as to what may or could have happened. Personally for me...I would not have stayed to talk for and 1 1/2 to a guy in his home after all had left? Once you addressed your question to him then that should have been it..Reality is there is nothing really wrong because you chose to entertain other conversations...Like the last poster indicated...Ask him why he changed since it seems to bother you so much...Otherwise treat it for what it was then move on..Remember you asked the question on this post?



collie1 -> RE: Did I do something wrong with this guy? (3/29/2008 7:05:06 PM)

Prairiehiker has given you great advice, I hope you are able to talk to him soon.



restored08 -> RE: Did I do something wrong with this guy? (4/8/2008 11:43:44 AM)

If you want to find out something about the situation, go to the source. Go to him and inquire about the change.



jaimestarcross -> RE: Did I do something wrong with this guy? (4/10/2008 10:03:10 AM)

It seems to me he's trying to keep the boundaries clear... he's not wanting a girlfriend yet... so he's being aloof - perhaps someone said something to him since you and him were left alone in his home.
He's protecting his reputation and yours... and staying focused on the ministry.



preserved -> RE: Did I do something wrong with this guy? (4/16/2008 7:13:32 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: jaimestarcross

It seems to me he's trying to keep the boundaries clear... he's not wanting a girlfriend yet... so he's being aloof - perhaps someone said something to him since you and him were left alone in his home.
He's protecting his reputation and yours... and staying focused on the ministry.



Good point



MsSara -> RE: Did I do something wrong with this guy? (4/17/2008 3:26:41 PM)

Hi. I just wanted to actually answer the question you asked. Granted, this is my opinion and nothing more or less.
NO, I don't think you did anything wrong. You are not serving in the ministry you are serving in looking for a man, and nothing inappropriate happened if you were talking to a member of your church. People can think what they want, but who is anyone to question the will of God concerning the ministry He has put you in. That's pretty risky business and it surprises me so many people were commenting along those lines. What's more crazy is it seems they didn't even read your original post. You never said anything about ministering to single men. Where did that come from?
Anyways, God puts Christians together for a reason and I don't think you should worry that you had a conversation with someone you serve in outreach with. If he is acting odd, then that is his issue. If you are concerned enough, ask him. If not, pray for him and pray for God's guidance in that situation.
Everyone else, lighten up!
Love in Christ,
Sara



Page: [1] 2   next >   >>



Forum Software © ASPPlayground.NET Advanced Edition 2.5 ANSI