I know I love my wife (Full Version)

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iron_jae -> I know I love my wife (4/8/2008 1:17:39 AM)

I have struggled with addiction to pornography since I was 14 years old. About two years ago I was on one of those popular "networking" sites looking at woman. My wife caught me and she was very hurt. She told me then that she felt like I was cheating on her. At the time I felt bad but didn't understand how this was so. I promised to change and seek help but I never followed through. She gave me a second chance based on this. Two years later she caught me again and she was very upset with me. This however wasn't the only problem. About a year and a half ago I met a woman at work and we began an inappropriate relationship. My wife had her suspicions and questioned me about it but I denied it until recently. I was really scared to tell her but eventually told her everything. The situation with the other woman didn't last for more than 2 months. We never had sexual intercourse but we did engage in sexual activity. I couldn't do it. The whole time I kept thinking about my wife and our children. After this incident I severed all ties with the other woman but I still struggled with pornography. My wife doesn't believe me or trust me. She says she is done with our marriage. I still want to seek help for my problem but if she doesn't want to fight for our marriage should I even try keeping our marriage together? I love her so much. I made a really bad mistake. Something that I would regret for the rest of my life.



maddog4god -> RE: I know I love my wife (4/8/2008 6:25:04 AM)

The best thing you can do is humble yourself and accept that your wife may in fact leave the marriage. You got caught, promised to get help and then did not and in fact your addiction took you to an even worse level. Pornography and infidelity are two things that rip a woman's heart out and cause great pain.

You are still "padding" your sins which is revealed in your words:

It didn't last for more then 2 months - it should not have lasted a day - one kiss is wrong just as lustful thoughts are wrong (and lead to other things).

I kept thinking about my wife and children. (not enough to NOT be doing it in the first place).

I severed all ties with the other woman but still struggled with pornography. (Severing ties does not entitle you to continue porn use.)

I know this seems harsh, but our choice of words is always very telling - you justify your actions and minimize what you did. If you truly want to save your marriage, tell the whole truth and nothing but the truth.
Your wife is crushed and hurt beyond words. It is most likely very insulting to her to hear you say these things in a way that present - "It wasn't that bad.", "I was really thinking of you".

The truth is you were only thinking of yourself - owning up to that will be a huge step in the right direction.



csl7037 -> RE: I know I love my wife (4/8/2008 7:37:04 AM)

I have to agree with maddog.

quote:

She says she is done with our marriage. I still want to seek help for my problem but if she doesn't want to fight for our marriage should I even try keeping our marriage together?


You've not really given her any reason to trust you or to want to stay for more of this kind of treatment. Should you keep trying? You should start trying! If she's already checked out emotionally, that's understandable. If there's any chance for this to work you might have to step up and do some heavy lifting. You broke it, you fix it. You might need to go over and above to prove your innocence and you'll have to work on yourself to remain innocent from this point - and she needs to see you doing that work on yourself. If you really love her, get rid of the computer or put it way out in the open in the house - make a grand gesture. You need to account for your every minute like a kid who's grounded. Stop saying it and start showing her that you've changed. But first, you're going to have to change and you might need help to do that.



MrsOliver -> RE: I know I love my wife (4/8/2008 9:51:38 AM)

iron-ja,

I don't believe you, on your own, can get your wife's heart healed. You need to pray for your wifes heart! Earnestly seek God, humble yourself and ask God to show you your wifes heart...it should bring you to tears for days! Because I am sure your wife has shed many, many, many for along time. then ask God to give you some of the burden of your wife! Your wife is full of pain! FULL OF PAIN! Only God can heal it.

You have been given sound advice here, take heed to it. Don't worry about trying to show your wife "love' right now. in fact you should just be seeking the face of God! If you don't attend church, find a church that will meet your spiritual needs, speak with the pastor, LAY YOURSELF OPEN. Nothing can heal if their is infection in a wound. (meaning, you have got to bare your soul).
this is the fork in your road, you can take the easy way out..which is not seek humilty and continue to mask your issue, or you can take the way to the Cross!! It is where God will stretch you beyond belief, but it is for HIS GLORY and your good!

Many poeple are healed from addictions, strongholds and issues everday, ever hour of the day!! but only BY GOD!
My suggestion is to make a choice to follow Christ! Read your word, fill your thoughts with the Blood of Jesus, which he shed for your broken marriage! Put on your praise and worship music, in the car, in the house and every where else you can. Find your focus and let God work on you.

Humility looks like a mess!! If you aren't on your knees before the throne of Grace, you aren't humbled. Genuine heart brokenness, crying out to God, WHY? Because if you choose this road, it is because you're done hiding, you are done, hurting, you want your addiction to come to an end, no matter what it costs you! Look what it cost Jesus...will you suffer for your marriage, for you wifes broken heart.
God will heal your wife, because of your prayers ~ PRAY FOR YOUR WIFE EVERY DAY!
Phil. 4:8!! you will need this verse to get through this fire!
the refining fire is just what it sounds like. You can not be the man of God that you were created to be until you are refined! And after you feel like you have been 'through' the fire, you will be tested in that very area so be prepared to face your addiction until you have proven yourself!

My guess is, your wife or someone else has been praying for you, that is why you are where you are and why this situation is at a head! It is the only way out!

To God be the Glory, I will pray for you and your wife,
Mrs. Oliver



new68 -> RE: I know I love my wife (4/8/2008 10:18:57 AM)

iron_jae,

I feel your pain. I too am someone who has struggled with porn addiction since I was a young teen. I know how difficult it is to stop. Even when you really want to.

I agree with maddog and csl. You are going to have to do something radical to show your wife you are serious. But even when you do, it will take months and perhaps years to earn your wife's trust back. Words will never change her heart and mind. Only consistent actions over a long period of time will.

So what do you do that is radical? Getting REAL help. You are not going to be able to stop on your own will power or from just reading a self help book on this (although the Christian books on this can help). You already know this. Going to a councilor or therapist once a week is not likely to work either. The reason is that you cannot end this addiction by treating it directly. Porn addiction is a symptom of a bigger problem. That problem is a poor relationship with Jesus Christ. I know it doesn't seem that way, but its true. God can break you of this addiction, but He wants you to get closer to Him first. He knows that if you don't, and He heals you of this problem, you will just move on to another addiction. He doesn't want that. So he will bring you to your knees with pain and grief over you current problem so that you will seek Him for help. But He wants you to seek Him EVERYDAY. Not just the days you feel guilty about you sin. But this is not easy for those of us who have had such weak walks with God. We aren't disciplined and we don't always know what to do each day. For this reason, you need either a mentor or a support group that can teach you and hold you accountable. Accountable not just for the porn, but also that you are spending time with God.

I have found a men's group at my church that does this. Its an anonymous group that meets privately every week. You may be able find something similar at your church or at a nearby church. You can call your church's councilor to see if such a program exists. If not, all hope is not lost. There is a ministry called PureLife Ministries. They are a Christian ministry dedicated to helping men and women deal with sexual addictions. They also provide help to the wives of sex addicts. They have two programs that you can participate in that will help you to break free of this addiction. Their most radical and most effective program is their live-in program. You actually go to their campus in Kentucky and live with others in the program and with mentors that have been freed. They will teach you how to change your life and hold you to strict accountability. The program is radical. Its six months long. But those that have attended it and stayed for the duration come out changed men. Their wives cannot believe the changes in their husbands when they come home.

Now going to Kentucky for six months may not be something you can do right now. If not, they also have an at-home program that lasts 12 weeks. In this program, you have weekly calls with a mentor and are given daily work to do. The mentor will council you and hold you accountable. This program encourages the participation of the spouse as well. This helps the spouse to see the work you are doing to change, but it also gives her a place to vent and to receive the counseling she needs as well.

I highly recommend trying this At-Home program with you wife. It will be something that you can do to show her you are working DAILY to change and to give her the support she needs.

You can find out more about PureLife Ministries here: http://www.purelifeministries.org
Here is a direct link to their At-Home program: http://www.purelifeministries.org/index.cfm?pageid=11
And a link to their Live-In program: http://www.purelifeministries.org/index.cfm?pageid=10



jaimestarcross -> RE: I know I love my wife (4/8/2008 10:56:16 AM)

quote:

My wife doesn't believe me or trust me. She says she is done with our marriage. I still want to seek help for my problem but if she doesn't want to fight for our marriage should I even try keeping our marriage together? I love her so much. I made a really bad mistake. Something that I would regret for the rest of my life.


*Regardless of your wife's decision you should get help for your addiction - you don't want to spend all your life tied to porn.

You severed the tie with the other woman - now it's time to severe the tie to porn. Removing an addiction is always painful and it will require a lot of effort and accountability on your part.

Rebuilding your relationship with the Lord is key - for you can do all things through Him because He will strengthen you. Learn to manage your time better - if you can't control the internet then you need to get rid of it. Remove yourself from people or places or things that expose you to pornographic material... turning off the tv, don't watch inappropriate movies, get rid of music or books that are indulging or promoting sensual behavior. Get into reading and meditating upon the Word of the Lord(bible) - renew your mind as often as it needs to be done.

Psalm 51:17
The sacrifice you desire is a broken spirit.
You will not reject a broken and repentant heart, O God.



SummerJane -> RE: I know I love my wife (4/8/2008 1:46:17 PM)

You should want to get help for yourself regardless of whether or not your marriage continues. The addiction to porn will rip your life apart and ruin your relationship not only with God, but with anyone else you ever start a relationship with.

I know that God can heal men of this problem because I have met a few who have been unbound from addiction to porn, but...if you know in your heart that you wont stop doing it, and are unwilling to go through all that it takes to truly give it up...for the rest of your life....and be faithful to your wife, than perhaps for the good of her future emotional health (and yours as well) you should tell your wife. She should be allowed the freedom to face the truth and to decide what she wants to do from there.



john_is_free -> RE: I know I love my wife (4/8/2008 2:28:17 PM)

Coming from someone recently released from this sin... You(I) can not beat this sin based on pure will power. It will take a might act of God to cleanse your body and mind. Remember scripture says that this is a sin against the body, which is the temple of God. This sin brought me to my knees in repentance and prayer.

You can do nothing about your wife at this point. Whether she keeps you or not is up to her, but you can go a long way in showing your sincerity by your actions.

Here are somethings you can do...
1) You need to ask for forgiveness from her and God. God will accept it, she might not yet.
2) You need someone to be accountable to such as a pastor or elder in church.
3) you need to be accountable to your wife as well. Even if she does not beleive you and does not want you to.
4) You need to have a radical amputation of all areas that cause your sin. Get rid of the computer or but a filter on it (with your wife as administrator). I would recommend Safe Eyes. Quit your job if that woman is still working there (Did I say Radical??!!)
5) start taking the Purity course at www.settingcaptivesfree.com.

Look up Job 31:1 and use it!

Start reading books on breaking the chains of pornography and on fixing your marraige. I would recommend the books Every Man's battle and Every man's Marriage by Stephen Arterburn.

If you are willing to do this you will be amazed at the changes in your life! Be patient with your wife. She will not understand how you can be so joyful and free due to the wonderful grace of God when she is hurting because of what you did to her.

Prayer and patiences will hopefully keep you and your wife together. Prayer and love and WORK will bring bring your and your wife back together to a Christ-like marraige.

Feel free to contact me if you want to talk.



karlie -> RE: I know I love my wife (4/8/2008 2:37:47 PM)

quote:

I still want to seek help for my problem but if she doesn't want to fight for our marriage should I even try keeping our marriage together?

I think you have to be willing to fight this problem and purify your life even if your wife chooses not to stay. Even if she chooses to leave, it will speak volumes to her that you realize the seriousness of your sin enough to eradicate it, not just for her, but for your relationship with God and to change yourself just because it's the right thing to do. I've seem a lot of wives walk away from marriages because of porn and infidelity and God used that time away to restore the husband to Him, and soften his wives's heart.

Ridding our lives of sin just to save a marriage or for someone else never works for long. It has to be something that comes from deep within and from a desire to please God, even if what you do doesn't affect a single other person. That's what true character is.

Instead of trying to convince her to stay in the marriage, I would concentrate your efforts on restoring yourself to God and getting the counseling you need to work through this issue. Pray for her and the resortation of your marriage, yes, but the fact is, she may not be willing to stay and work on this until she sees you submitting your entire will and problems to God and dealing with them first.



iron_jae -> RE: I know I love my wife (4/8/2008 7:11:39 PM)

Thank you all for your words. I made a decision to fight for my walk with the Lord. I haven't sought after His face for a long time. For now I am going to concentrate on dealing with my addiction and on my relationship with God. I know that this is what needs to be done first and foremost. I will continue praying for my wife and allow the Lord's will to be done. Thank you all for your suggestions and ministry links.



Hislittleone -> RE: I know I love my wife (4/9/2008 4:35:50 AM)

quote:

I still want to seek help for my problem but if she doesn't want to fight for our marriage should I even try keeping our marriage together?


Yes. But as others have said, you're first priority should be your relationship with Christ. You've received such good advice here that there's not much left for me to say. My husband is ~10 months free from porn. I can understand your wife's pain. Give her the book Every Heart Restored by Fred and Brenda Stoeker. It was really helpful for me. Also, you can direct her to their website where they have a support thread for the wives of men involved in sexual sin. Every Man's Marriage and Every Man's Battle were very helpful to my husband. He is also doing phone counseling with Joel and Kathy Davisson which has been an eye opening experience (in a good way). They work with men in your situation all the time with much success. We've also been reading the books they wrote and others they reccomend on their site.
http://fredstoeker.com/
http://www.joelandkathy.com/
Joel and Kathy's counseling ministry would probably be very, very helpful to you right now.



iron_jae -> RE: I know I love my wife (4/10/2008 6:14:52 PM)

I went to service last night and I rededicated my life to the Lord. I feel so much better that I am on the right track with Him. I am still working on my strengthening my walk. I am praying and reading my scripture. Especially Job 31:1... I am also reading Every Man's Battle. I am only on chapter 6 but it is right on the money. Thank you all.

I need some more advice though. Is it sufficient that I told my wife I cheated on her or do I have to be specific. She keeps asking me all kinds of questions like what and how but I feel that it isn't helping us in any way. Should I be explicit? I have been praying about it but I haven't got an answer yet. Please agree with me that the Lord will speak to my heart about this issue.



momma07 -> RE: I know I love my wife (4/10/2008 6:54:43 PM)

Thats a tough one...On one hand I could understand her wanting to know the details because sexual activity (not sexual intercourse) is a little vague? Was it coversations or actual touching etc? On the other if she asks the questions she has to be prepared for the answers and no one ever will like the answers to those questions. If you don't tell her she may think you are withholding something even more than what you have already told her. Does she tell you why she wants to know? And BTW have you checked into counseling?? This porn thing is not going to go away without some strong intervention. Perhaps you could start with individual counseling and then draw her into the sessions. Praying for you both.



SHIFT -> RE: I know I love my wife (4/10/2008 7:11:43 PM)

Tell her that you want to be open with everything, but the answers she will hear might be too much for her to hear. If she insists, tell the truth and get it ALL out. If she backs down, reiterate that you are still sorry and resent ever having gone down that road. You've gotta realize that she has all the right to leave you and she will suffer because it will still be in the back of her mind for a VERY long time. I commend the both of you if you're willing to accept this challenge.



Hislittleone -> RE: I know I love my wife (4/10/2008 10:11:06 PM)

quote:

Is it sufficient that I told my wife I cheated on her or do I have to be specific. She keeps asking me all kinds of questions like what and how but I feel that it isn't helping us in any way. Should I be explicit?


In Every Heart Restored (by same authors as EMB) they say you should be completely open and willing to give as much info as your wife needs. Every little minute detail, if she needs it. It should be completely up to her. Each woman is different in how much she wants/needs to know. My husband was somewhat resistant to being completely open with me in the beginning but as we progressed he opened up more. If he wasn't willing to tell me what I need to know....if he still showed resistance I wouldn't trust him as much as I do now. We wouldn't be as close as we are now. I needed him to open up and let me get to know him, even the bad parts.

I'm so happy you are seeking God in all of this. Praise the Lord for His Mercy and Grace!



iron_jae -> RE: I know I love my wife (4/11/2008 12:01:08 AM)

Thank you everyone...

Hislittleone, I haven't got to that part in the book yet. Barely on chapter 8. I imagine it was really hard to trust him again. How did you begin to rebuild your friendship?

My wife and I were close friends but now I don't know what to say to her....



Hislittleone -> RE: I know I love my wife (4/11/2008 1:11:02 AM)

Are you reading Every Heart Restored or Every Man's Battle? I think the part I mentioned was in Every Heart Restored. [&:] That one is written for the wives but is a good read for the husbands too. It was saying that a wife should expect her husband to be completely honest with her about what he had done with his body that betrayed her because the husband's body is actually not his own (it belongs to the wife---and vice versa). So they are saying that a wife has a right to know how her "property" was misused. Does that make sense? I'm not explaining it as well as they do in the book. [8D]

How did we begin to rebuild our friendship? Well, it took lots of looong conversations, late nights, tears, honesty (total and complete), it took me seeing how devastated he was over the pain he had caused me, seeing EMPATHY (that he could actually feel my pain), his patience, him letting me vent my "bad" emotions like anger and sorrow, consistency in his commitments (I came up with a list of requirments for me to be willing to stay in the marriage--i.e. reading marriage books every day, accountability partner, total honesty, weekly accountability updates with me, praying and reading his Bible every day, and of course no more porn at all---no more "slip ups"---period, no more alcohol). So it's been a LOT of CONSISTENT effort on his part. He has worked long and hard to become more Christlike. And in becoming more Christlike he is becoming a better husband and father. That's really what it boils down to. If you start dying to self (the old sinful selfish nature) and becoming more like Christ you will naturally become a better husband and your wife will (in time) naturally respond to the positive changes in your life. We women are created to respond to our husband's actions. We are a reflection/barometer of your relationship with Christ. My husband and I have been through a lot but we are now happier and closer than we have EVER been. It's taken ~11 months to get here and we still have work to do, but it's so worth it. [:)]

Once you finish the Every Man's Series books you should check out this one http://www.amazon.com/Discovering-Mind-Woman-Ken-Nair/dp/093792900X

I am reading it right now (dh will be starting it soon) and it is wonderful. My husband is already applying some of the principles and it makes a huge difference in our marriage.



iron_jae -> RE: I know I love my wife (4/11/2008 1:37:22 AM)

thanks.. that's really encouraging. right now she is not optimistic about the whole relationship but i really want to serve the Lord. i know i messed up so now i'm just concentrating on restoring my walk. i want to work it out (marriage) but first i have to work out my walk. i am going to talk to her tonight and be fully honest with her. please keep me in your prayers.



momma07 -> RE: I know I love my wife (4/11/2008 11:37:08 AM)

iron_jae...

Praying for you and your wife. As a wife who has been betrayed emotionally (not physically-well not that I know of). Its very hard to go through that. You lose the specialness and intimacy you had with only your spouse. Give her time and space. But love her and do whatever she asks (w/in reason). Do whatever you can to avoid the temptation. If it means cutting off the internet service do it. She needs to see that the hell you put her through you are willing to go through to see this relationship put right. She needs security and to see you have changesd through your actions, not just your words. Get help for yourself and for your family. There is nothing more glorious and rejoiceful than a marriage saved.



shadowspring -> RE: I know I love my wife (4/12/2008 10:19:24 AM)

quote:

I need some more advice though. Is it sufficient that I told my wife I cheated on her or do I have to be specific. She keeps asking me all kinds of questions like what and how but I feel that it isn't helping us in any way. Should I be explicit? I have been praying about it but I haven't got an answer yet. Please agree with me that the Lord will speak to my heart about this issue.


I would say the truth- that you don't want to remember it or think about it, because you regret it so deeply. If it fills you with shame and remorse to even think about it, tell her!

Pour out to her your true feelings- that you love her and wish you had never been untrue, that she deserves better, she deserves to be cherished and valued and protected and wanted.



maddog4god -> RE: I know I love my wife (4/12/2008 3:53:47 PM)

I am going to give you the "flip side" of this as a spouse who is living someone else's bottoom (but not for much longer!). My spouse had/has this "secret life" where he persues getting all his needs met in ways that are outside of God. This has been ongoing and there have been more then one discovery.

There has never been one honest voluntary disclosure.

I am no longer willing to persue and wonder about the truth - and to be honest - NO ONE should have to live like that. You danced the dance, it's time to pay the piper. You should voluntarily tell her everything a) so she no longer needs to wonder and b) if the shoe were on the other foot would YOU want to know?

If there is any hope of saving your marriage, get honest and fast - write out a complete timeline of all your failures with details and give it to your wife. It's the least you can do in regard to repairing your marriage.

It may be too late - anything would be too late here - I am done and will no longer be abused.



alpad -> RE: I know I love my wife (4/13/2008 12:16:12 PM)

I am the survivor of a failed marriage that was on the track you are on.

I -- the wife -- did not want to know ANY details because I KNEW it would only be salt in my wounds... just the fact that things were going on was ENOUGH for me. Details put women over the edge -- put us fully in the hard to return from realm of the flesh ... we cannot act/ think with Christ's likeness with the graphics playing in our heads ... and it doesn't do you any good to relive it either! It really is NOT good for you to even tarry one moment on such things ... you are trying to make the turn away from it.

Sin is sin is sin. Remember that Jesus said it is the thinking of another woman that is adultery ... beyond that there is no better or worse. Once you've crossed that line, you have sinned. Discussion of sin details is not a good thing to do.

You have a personal agenda to get your spirit and soul in line and repair your covenant with God first. IF your wife will give this violation to Christ
has forgiven you, she can grow to forgive you too. It will be a test of her faith, too.

My X-husband did not give me the opportunity to forgive him, for he would not seek the Lord and although I believe my faith to be strong enough to endure, I was forced to divorce him.

Today he is as mixed up as I ever knew him to be. He mixes New Age ideas with the Bible and is supposed to be remarrying. I had hoped that one day he would come to know God and accept the Word as his constitution for life and repair our family, but the cihldren are growing up and it is time for me to plan my retirement ... I have no hope to re-marry because I believe it is wrong as long as my X is living.

You really should make a powerful statement that you want the 2 of you to do everything you can to make it work now and AFTER you are healed. It is so hard to go thru life alone and for children to be burdened by divorce. God did not intend for us to have the option to scar our children with divorce. Divorce is so bad for kids yet our society continues to be hardwired for it!



iron_jae -> RE: I know I love my wife (4/19/2008 2:38:16 AM)

Praise God... I am on chapter 19 of Every Man's Battle and I got to say it really opened my eyes. I new alot of the stuff that he was speaking of but it was encouraging to know that I wasn't the only dealing with this. I have been keeping my covenant (Job 31:1). I really want to serve the Lord. I was foolish.

Unfortunately she stopped reading Every Heart Restored. She said it made her even more angry because the writers made it seem like it was ok for men to have sexual sin. We are going to a marriage seminar tomorrow at our church. I hope that will be the beginning of her healing process. I pray for her joy to be restored daily. She said she really isn't concerned with our marriage. She just wants me to be right with the Lord. I love her for that. I know that if I continue to walk righteous God will show her that I have changed and that I am a new creature. But it still hurts when she reminds me of Matthew 5:32.

The bible speaks against adulterers from beginning to end. Will my relationship with Him ever be restored?



Hislittleone -> RE: I know I love my wife (4/19/2008 5:55:37 AM)

EMB was an eye opener for my husband too. I'm so glad you are reading it and are open to what it teaches. You may want to read Every Man's Marriage too.

Your wife's reaction to the EHR book was a very normal one. I, and several other ladies that I know of, reacted with pain and anger at times during the reading of that book. It's a hard book to read (for the wife of a man who was in sexual sin). Tell her that I said this and would encourage her to pick it back up when the anger passes. It's worth finishing. If she keeps reading she'll probably come to the realization that Fred and Brenda were not saying it's ok for men to have sexual sin. They just explain how easy it is for men to fall into it and how it works. But they don't excuse it. You may want to tell your wife about Fred's website where there is a support forum for the wives. It's the thread called Every Heart Restored here http://www.fredstoeker.com/community/
I wept with sheer relief when I found this community. It was such a relief to hear that the way I was feeling was normal and that I wasn't alone in this pain/struggle. It would be a safe place for your wife to vent, share her heart, seek advice and encouragment.
From what you've shared here it seems that you are truly repentant and are seeking God. If you've asked Him for forgiveness and have stopped the sin then your relationship is restored. You have some growing and maturing to do (don't we all [8D]) but the relationship was restored the moment you truly repented. If you continuously seek the Lord, living to do His will, your marriage relationship will also be restored in time. It's so difficult at first. Stay strong, brother, and you will reap the benefits one day. It does get better over time. [:)]



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