Best friend, an opposite sex? is it possible?

Best friend, an opposite sex? is it possible? (Full Version)

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4theLord -> Best friend, an opposite sex? is it possible? (4/10/2008 3:54:51 AM)
Hello there, Has anyone tried to have his/her best friend someone from the opposite sex? I am in a situation that right now it is happening but I am loosing my ground and behaving out my boundaries. We are really good friends and we really take care of each other. But we spent too much time together and this is what I don't like although i spent a pleasent time with her. She is married and I am single and somehow her husband accepts our friendship although I believe he is not comfortable with this situation. What do u suggest to me or on this topic?

csl7037 -> RE: Best friend, an opposite sex? is it possible? (4/10/2008 7:57:04 AM)
If you were best friends since you were 3 years old, I'd say maybe it's possible. In your situation, doesn't sound like it's very smart just from what you've said.

TMeeks -> RE: Best friend, an opposite sex? is it possible? (4/10/2008 8:55:02 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: 4theLord Hello there, Has anyone tried to have his/her best friend someone from the opposite sex? I am in a situation that right now it is happening but I am loosing my ground and behaving out my boundaries. We are really good friends and we really take care of each other. But we spent too much time together and this is what I don't like although i spent a pleasent time with her. She is married and I am single and somehow her husband accepts our friendship although I believe he is not comfortable with this situation. What do u suggest to me or on this topic? It appears to me that you have answered your own question. Every person and every situation has to be judged on its own merits; but, the current structure of your relationship appears to have some signs of being risky.

jaimestarcross -> RE: Best friend, an opposite sex? is it possible? (4/10/2008 9:37:23 AM)
Since you are having problem with boundaries - it's time to flee from temptation! You've become emotionally attached to a married woman and to keep things from going too far it's best to end the "friendship" than to ruin a marriage!

moonbeam87 -> RE: Best friend, an opposite sex? is it possible? (4/10/2008 10:11:08 AM)
quote: Has anyone TRIED to have his/her best friend someone from the opposite sex? If you weren't already best friends with her BEFORE SHE MARRIED, you shouldn't make A LOT OF EFFORT to make your most intimate relationship (best friends) with this now married woman. Her most intimate relationship should be with her husband. They made a commitment for life and a promise to "forsake all others." There are many if's and exceptions when it comes to the "opposite sex friendship thing," and every situation is different. The only 100% guarantee of being platonic friends with the opposite sex is if one of you is gay. If neither of you are attracted to eachother (like brother/sister) then it might work, but if just one of you is attracted to the other that can make the situation a little iffy. If both of you are attracted to eachother there's a good chance you can't be platonic best friends. You can be casual friends, but anything more is very risky, because both of you are likely to get really emotionally attached. Even if you guys grew up together and knew eachother for years that still is no guarantee that your relationship can be platonic. For some people yes. But for others no. My bf and I grew up together and we were best friends but overtime we fell for eachother and became more than just friends. From what you describe above, No, you cannot be best friends with this woman. That's not what you want anyways, because be honest with yourself--you don't see her as just a friend if you are overstepping your boundaries. The big red flag is that she is married. You are putting yourself in a risky situation and yes there are things called "emotional affairs."

Liveloved -> RE: Best friend, an opposite sex? is it possible? (4/10/2008 11:15:19 AM)
quote: What do u suggest to me or on this topic? I agree that you are already being led in this. I don't think it wise to have a best friend relationship with a person of the opposite sex. I think you are 'knowing' that as well. Trust your leading and walk away.

deermousie -> RE: Best friend, an opposite sex? is it possible? (4/10/2008 11:20:46 AM)
One of the common phrases used in wedding vows is: "forsaking all others." That means people of the opposite sex who could become involved romantically. This woman is skating close to the edge of a cliff with you and making you a partner of a potential fall. I don't think this is the legacy or reputation you want to live with the rest of your life. I'd flee. Once a person hits puberty, relationships between men and women always have a potential to become sexual. Our entertainment industry shoves this down our throats constantly and society accepts as normal to give in to it (the plot of the movie "Enchanted" supposedly for children revolves on this). We need to walk circumspectly in everything we do and protect our hearts and our good names. My husband and I have built a hedge around our marriage by agreeing to never be alone with a person of the opposite sex. Therefore, no temptation, and no one can accuse us of anything inappropriate just from appearances (1 Thessalonians 5:22 Abstain from all appearance of evil). If this friend of yours isn't protecting her marriage, then it's up to you to bug out and do it for her. If she's going to blow it big time, or even look like she is, don't let it be with you. With your reputation goes God's reputation. Run.

4theLord -> RE: Best friend, an opposite sex? is it possible? (4/10/2008 11:23:59 AM)
@everyone Thank you so much for your answers. I am becoming very attached to this person and she is already now. My boundaries are that I don' t want to spent too much time with only one person and I don't want to feel attracted to someone that I want to see like a sister. I haven't done anything appropriate with her. I simply want to protect myself and her relationship. She tries at maximum to respect me. I have described my fears to her and she says that it is only my problem cause she sees me only as a friend and I trust her. Maybe I am not emotionally mature as her. I am realizing that it will be very hard for me in the future to handle this situation in the future. But I don't wanna break her heart or feelings cause we already have been supportive to each other in many cases. She don't wanna lose my friendship. I am praying on all this. It is so easy to destroy a friendship and so hard to keep it.

TMeeks -> RE: Best friend, an opposite sex? is it possible? (4/10/2008 11:44:25 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: 4theLord @everyone Thank you so much for your answers. I am becoming very attached to this person and she is already now. My boundaries are that I don' t want to spent too much time with only one person and I don't want to feel attracted to someone that I want to see like a sister. I haven't done anything appropriate with her. I simply want to protect myself and her relationship. She tries at maximum to respect me. I have described my fears to her and she says that it is only my problem cause she sees me only as a friend and I trust her. Maybe I am not emotionally mature as her. I am realizing that it will be very hard for me in the future to handle this situation in the future. But I don't wanna break her heart or feelings cause we already have been supportive to each other in many cases. She don't wanna lose my friendship. I am praying on all this. It is so easy to destroy a friendship and so hard to keep it. Most people don't understand how bonds are formed. We think of them as ethereal 'feelings' floating around in our heads. But, they are actually PHYSICAL structures in our brains. Every time you are with her, the physical structures have the potential to grow and the bonds get stronger. The fact that you brought up the issue to her probably indicates that you are forming the kinds of bonds that are best left for our marital partners. The problem now is how to disengage so that neither of you is hurt too deeply. And, this is, as you might expect, not without some pain. You are going to go through a process where these phyical structures must be broken... which is exactly WHY we call it a 'broken heart'. As I have come to understand it, it literally is a dismantalling of the physical bonding molecules in your brain and that has chemical\emotional consequences. But, the more you are together the harder that is going to be, once those boundaries were crossed. You might want to pick up "Change Your Brain, Change Your Mind" by Daniel Amen at your local bookstore. He actually has a section that relates to this very thing. This is one reason... aside from being directly in contradiction to God's Word... that affairs are extremely stupid paths to take. They take a PHYSICAL as well as MENTAL toll.

funny_girl -> RE: Best friend, an opposite sex? is it possible? (4/10/2008 1:08:59 PM)
Don't worry about breaking her heart. She'll learn and find another friend. You need to bond with someone that can be a mate to you. She already has one. It would be right in the eyes of God to leave her alone.

funny_girl -> RE: Best friend, an opposite sex? is it possible? (4/10/2008 1:14:20 PM)
To answer your OP, yes, I have always had guy friends as best friends, very few best girl friends. In fact, I know a guy that also had girls as his best friends and guess what? He married me! I travel with guys because it's easier that way. Unfortunately, I had one take advantage of my emotions and nearly ripped my family apart. This individual not only took advantage of me but my husband as well. They knew we were in a new culture and took us for an emotional ride. I try not to think about it and I have gone through a healing process but staying away is the best thing. This individual was our very best friend. We shared everything with him and his family. He basically, took my heart out and stomped on it. So, be a true friend and leave this woman alone and bond with someone that is single and could be your wife.

Sararileyann -> RE: Best friend, an opposite sex? is it possible? (4/10/2008 1:54:09 PM)
Hi there! Well, I've always been one of those girls that has had way more guy friends than girlfriends, and I never fit in with all the girl groups of friends. There is nothing wrong with this at all, UNTIL you get into a relationship, especially a marriage. Take it from me, someone who became really good friends with a man who was already in a relationship, you don't want to take the chance. He and I work together and go to church together and we clicked immediately. He was actually the guy who invited me to the church I am now a member at. Anyways, he had a girlfriend all along, and we never ever intended to be anything more than friends. All I am going to say is our intentions don't always work out. The things that happened made it impossible for us to be friends anymore, and I lost a Christian friend who I was able to talk to about God and anything else. He and I really cared for each other and were able to grow in Christ together, but the bottom line was, we weren't able to be just friends.

song -> RE: Best friend, an opposite sex? is it possible? (4/10/2008 2:22:31 PM)
I was going to give a hearty YES! you can be "best friends" with someone of the opposite sex... until I read she was married. It's great to be her friend but her "best friend" should be her husband. I think it's silly to write off all women as friends because they are married or you're married... when you feel tempted or like you want to cross a boundary, just, don't. It's really that simple. Make the choice to keep it healthy and focused on Jesus.

moonbeam87 -> RE: Best friend, an opposite sex? is it possible? (4/10/2008 2:33:28 PM)
quote: My husband and I have built a hedge around our marriage by agreeing to never be alone with a person of the opposite sex. That is good advice. I don't think it is wise for people in relationships to spend one on one alone time with a member of the opposite sex b/c it doesn't look good (it looks like a date) and there is so much potential risk. More than 80 percent of unfaithful people have affairs with someone who'd started out as "just a friend."

moonbeam87 -> RE: Best friend, an opposite sex? is it possible? (4/10/2008 2:57:52 PM)
Emotional affair: An emotional affair occurs when one member of a relationship consistently turns to someone else for their core, primary emotional support in life. It often develops slowly, even innocently, as a friendship with a co-worker or friend. There may or may not be a romantic/sexual attraction initially accompanying this budding friendship. But when the primary relationship is experiencing ongoing hostility, conflict and/or distance, and one member of the relationship pulls away from their partner and consistently turns to their 'friend' for companionship, support and sharing of deep personal material, an emotional affair has begun. For many people, the emotional affair is a great source of relief and comfort during relationship difficulties. But the danger is that there is a finite amount of intimate emotional energy to go around, and when one begins to regularly invest significant amounts of their emotional energy in someone outside the primary committed relationship, the primary relationship can be seriously compromised. Frequently, an emotional affair will deepen through consistent contact through in-person discussion and/or numerous email and voice mail messages. There becomes an excitement and ease in hearing from the person. And when this type of relationship does lead to physical intimacy, it's often a little sex and a lot of talking. The sex may be intense and passionate, but it is the feeling of emotional safety and companionship that really fuels the bond at the deepest level. This companionship can doom the primary relationship. Once the door of emotional intimacy has been opened and the bond deepens, the person having the emotional affair cannot help but compare. "It's so easy to talk to her, and so hard to talk to my spouse" is the common refrain. "My husband always complains and criticizes, but my friend is always there, always in a good mood, and always understands and listens to me." It is much easier to open up and feel safe in a superficial new friendship compared to a long-term committed relationship.

1love1God1way -> RE: Best friend, an opposite sex? is it possible? (4/10/2008 5:52:19 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: 4theLord It is so easy to destroy a friendship and so hard to keep it. For the sake of not destroying a marriage, it may be wise to terminate the friendship.

funny_girl -> RE: Best friend, an opposite sex? is it possible? (4/10/2008 8:21:22 PM)
starlight, Great post on emotional affairs! Let me ask you all a question. This best guy friend of my husband and I. Do you think he developed 'feelings' for me? Now, he's mean to me. We were like brother and sister, shared holidays, family vacations, family photos and ministry together. Can you imagine! Now he's really mean to me and doesn't want to work with me. He was my favorite! Don't you think that he probably started to have this problem and out of respect for my husband and I he bailed on us? What other explanation could their be for his strange actions? Before, he couldn't live without us then, he didn't want to be with us. Quit calling, made excuses for everything. He does this with everyone, including his wife! The whole thing was the biggest learning experience of my LIFE!

georgerobbyjr -> RE: Best friend, an opposite sex? is it possible? (4/10/2008 10:34:25 PM)
I'm sure you can be close friends with member of the opposite sex, provided you aren't attracted to the girl. Since you are attached to her and are concerned about what may happen, you should distance yourself from her. Whether you explain it to her or not is up to you, but don't lead yourself into temptation! Some people can keep things in perspective and have attractive friends without getting attached. For me, and I enjoy speaking with women because their perspectives are so different, I can't do it. I only have 1 female friend left and I see her as a sister. I miss a few old female friends I had but I am weak so I don't see them anymore. It's unfortunate, but I'm afriad you know what you must do.

4theLord -> RE: Best friend, an opposite sex? is it possible? (4/11/2008 7:26:36 AM)
it is a sign that everyone shares the same thought. so, it means that none of you has ever made possible to have a close friend someone from opposite sex. I said to her that i have things to do and for one week we should not see each other alone. She is my colleague and she comes to my church also. I am acting strangely with her cause is very strange to me also. i am doing this in faith that I am doing something good for the future. she said that she is missing me and is becoming very upset with my behavior. I am not feeling ok either. This means that we are attached very much. I don't want to loose her friendship at all, but seems hard to restore a normal relationship with her. So strange all this situation...

moonbeam87 -> RE: Best friend, an opposite sex? is it possible? (4/11/2008 8:39:57 AM)
quote: I am acting strangely with her cause is very strange to me also. i am doing this in faith that I am doing something good for the future. she said that she is missing me and is becoming very upset with my behavior. I am not feeling ok either. This means that we are attached very much. Pretend for a minute that you had a wife. As her husband would you want your wife to have her most initimate relationship with another man to the point that they are emotionally attached and spending a lot of one on one time with eachother (and she can tell him things that she can't tell you b/c they are so close)? Does it really matter that they aren't physically involved (although with all that alone time together you would wonder wouldn't you)? Wouldn't their relationship still hurt you and make you feel uneasy? And when something is up with your wife, wouldn't it crush you to know you are not the first person she runs to--her "friend" is? Let me just say this: you are playing with fire--She is married and off limits. You should make the effort to have a best friend relationship with "single girl." A single girl who you may "potentially marry." After all wouldn't you want the person you marry and grow old with to be your best friend? Well you cannot marry this girl. You can commit adultery with her and ruin her marriage and steal the intimacy away from her and her husband. By trying to have a "close relationship," with this woman, you are also ruining any relationships you would have with a potential gf. A gf is not going to want her guy very attached emotionally to another girl (spending one on one time with her, constantly callling this other girl pretending she is "just your friend)"--she will see it as some form of cheating that TAKES INTIMACY AWAY from the relationship between the two of you. Why should your "gf" feel like she is competing with another girl for your affections? Nothing is more devastating to a girl than knowing her bf is emotionally attached to another woman. The emotional connection is usually more devastating to a girl then him having a casual one night stand. From the above statement it's beginning to sound like you're walking blindly into some emotional sort of infidelity. quote: it is a sign that everyone shares the same thought. so, it means that none of you has ever made possible to have a close friend someone from opposite sex. You both sound very naive. Over time many of those close guy/girl "friendships" dont stay "just friends." They can start to develop "fuzzy feelings." When that happens the relationship can no longer be platonic. Why, because you no longer view them as a brother/sister kind of deal. Every time you are around them you just feel "so close and so good." You begin to seriously wonder what it would be like to be more than friends. If they were "just your friend" you wouldn't be thinking of them like that. She sounds like she's got it bad for you with her "I miss you." Hopefully you will do the right thing and end this "not so platonic friendship," which will only ruin her marriage if things keep continuing and escalating between the two of you. Friends come and go, marriage is supposed to last a lifetime. I find it so sad that people don't value marriage as much anymore and don't keep proper boundaries to protect their marriage.

moonbeam87 -> RE: Best friend, an opposite sex? is it possible? (4/11/2008 12:11:47 PM)
you do want a wife of your own, right? Or are you so excited and invested in this "taken woman" that you don't have any desire to seek your own wife? Just think about that for a moment...

camelot12 -> RE: Best friend, an opposite sex? is it possible? (4/11/2008 12:40:17 PM)
Are most of her friends guys? Does she have a history of cheating? Does she dump her marriage problems on you? If you respect the sanctity of marriage run far away from her!!!!

camelot12 -> RE: Best friend, an opposite sex? is it possible? (4/11/2008 1:38:59 PM)
situation reminds me of usher's song "you make me wanna," destiny's child--"temptation" or destiny's child's--"confessions."

preserved -> RE: Best friend, an opposite sex? is it possible? (4/11/2008 5:29:32 PM)
Based upon your last comment...The two of you are too close...She is a married woman and you need to respect that since she does not..You also have to remember that there is another man in the picture...her husband...a great deal of trust would have to come from the husband if the two of you remain close friends... I have a male friend since high school...While he was single he and I talked all the time...very little going out. Once he got married I place the distance between us...I had to respect his wife as well as him...When ever I see him he is always asking why I do not contact him as much..I explained to him because of his wife...He got over it...and we are still friends...we just do not talk as much....

SDAPC -> RE: Best friend, an opposite sex? is it possible? (4/11/2008 6:05:46 PM)
My experience, I have been on both sides. First of all, some of my best friends in life have been men. Men make wonderful friends! and one of them I've been friends with for 23 years! (OMG!) now his wife and my hubby are all friends. But...it wasn't always like that....his wife was jealous of me at the beginning of her marriage and basically told me that a men and a woman could not be friends. PERIOD. so I had to get lost.. :(.... I loved my friend so much that I was not about to come between him and his new wife (we actually got married on the same month/same year too!) so I never told him what she had said and I put some space between us (years... :( ) until one day when we got back in touch...his wife confessed to him what had happened and my friend, his wife, my hubby and I all became the NEW friends! It's been awesome since then. Being on the other side....my hubby has a weakness... he loves to be the rescuer and needy women are drawn to him (always single) needless to say it has gotten messy more than once where the woman falls in love with all disregard to ME or my children...Messy...just messy, nobody wins. Last.....my current situation...I met a guy at work. He and I clicked immediately, for "prevention" I included my hubby in the relationship, I invited this guy to visit my church and then he came to my house and spent time with us, it is so sad because he is well intentioned (..he has a girlfriend) and our friendship is pure, we talk a lot about God, about life, about his girlfriend. I avoid talking about my personal problems or marital problems...but...I find myself missing him when I am not around him. He has surprised me with phone calls just to say hi and details like that that make one feel good...I haven't (and won't ) do anything wrong but SOMETIMES is hard to have a friend of the opposite sex...and it has nothing to do with being married or not b/c I just mentioned my friendship of 23 yrs. with a married man being married myself but there has NEveR BEEN an attraction, unlike with this other guy whom I love so much and miss....(even as I type...) Those are my experiences...just sharing...

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