RE: Husband doing things with a CHRISTIAN female friend who is married

RE: Husband doing things with a CHRISTIAN female friend who is married (Full Version)

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csl7037 -> RE: Husband doing things with a CHRISTIAN female friend who is married (4/13/2008 5:57:19 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: moonbeam87 I think certain people are naive because they put themselves in risky situations like this only to be surprised when it goes too far--like "I can't believe that we had an affair, that was never our intention, we were just friends!" It's like they are setting themselves for disaster (they had no boundaries) yet they were not aware of that. That's naive. quote: Please don't assume that all males and females want to have affairs because they are friends I didn't say that people want to have affairs. They are naive for thinking there friendship can't progress to something more when they spend a lot of alone time with a member of the opposite sex and being surprised when it does. Sometimes, but I think sometimes they do know (but wont admit) that they're crossing a line and flirting with disaster but it feels good, fills a void, and they'll rationalize and justify themselves right into divorce court.

manda59 -> RE: Husband doing things with a CHRISTIAN female friend who is married (4/13/2008 6:11:30 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: MitziRWhite My husband seems to think its no big deal, but my gut is telling me that he is filling some sort of something that she can't get in her marriage. Sorry to be so direct, but could it also be that she is filling some sort of something that he isn't getting in his marriage, or in his life generally? Is there anything going on for him (in either) that he might be using this to escape from? You say that your husband and she go hiking in the week when you are at work. When does he work? And do you work full-time?

sjd2008 -> RE: Husband doing things with a CHRISTIAN female friend who is married (4/13/2008 7:59:29 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: moonbeam87 I think certain people are naive because they put themselves in risky situations like this only to be surprised when it goes too far--like "I can't believe that we had an affair, that was never our intention, we were just friends!" It's like they are setting themselves for disaster (they had no boundaries) yet they were not aware of that. That's naive. quote: Please don't assume that all males and females want to have affairs because they are friends I didn't say that people want to have affairs. They are naive for thinking there friendship can't progress to something more when they spend a lot of alone time with a member of the opposite sex and being surprised when it does. I come at this from a different view. I believe that people have affairs not because they have a friendship that goes in the wrong direction. I believe that people have affairs because there is something that their marriage that is either wrong or missing. To bring this back on topic. The disaster in this case is that there are 2 families that are having issues. The issue isn't with the OP's husband alone. The majority of the posts have gone after her husband, There ARE 2 other people involved. How about a pow wow of all four adults?

iSERVEaJEW -> RE: Husband doing things with a CHRISTIAN female friend who is married (4/13/2008 8:08:20 PM)
They aren't explicitly breaking any of the commandments of God. However, I would think that if I were your husband and you told me that it really bothered you that I was spending time with certain ladies I would seriously talk to you about it. I wouldn't spend time with other ladies if you were so uncomfortable with it. I think that it is unloving to have a friendship that threatens your spouse even if it is from pure motives.

csl7037 -> RE: Husband doing things with a CHRISTIAN female friend who is married (4/14/2008 6:41:23 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: iSERVEaJEW They aren't explicitly breaking any of the commandments of God. However, I would think that if I were your husband and you told me that it really bothered you that I was spending time with certain ladies I would seriously talk to you about it. I wouldn't spend time with other ladies if you were so uncomfortable with it. I think that it is unloving to have a friendship that threatens your spouse even if it is from pure motives. What do the Commandments have to do with it? We're not under the law. We can't be sure what's in his heart but from the sound of it there's plenty of cause for concern. Matthew 5:28 But I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart.

iwillfearnoevil -> RE: Husband doing things with a CHRISTIAN female friend who is married (4/14/2008 3:53:01 PM)
if your husband would actually go during the week without you when you have offered to on the weekends, than i think it's clear that an obvious attachment has already been formed and at least the groundwork for an emotional affair is laid. you know scriptures and know what is right, but from your posts your husband is way caught with this. personally i'd start checking cell phone usage online if you can to see if they are talking on the phone as well. i'll be praying for your family. i believe talking to pastor is a good recommendation a couple people have made already. if something is going on, it likely will take exposure to end it. maybe you can even team up with the other woman's husband and see what he thinks about all these hiking trips. i realize some people here will probably take some of these ideas as drastic but original poster signed up at CW and posted this thread only trying to be proactive and not reactive.

buckifn -> RE: Husband doing things with a CHRISTIAN female friend who is married (4/14/2008 4:19:45 PM)
I would go further to say that if it dishonors your marriage it is a dishonor to God as well, because marriage is more than a physical connection, it is also spiritual, and our natural choices affect not only us, both others as well. Your husband is making a very poor choice. Maybe he should be the one working and you staying home?

bensulli -> RE: Husband doing things with a CHRISTIAN female friend who is married (4/18/2008 12:59:31 AM)
From the kinds of responses I'm seeing here, I'd hazard a guess that most responders aren't men. I don't mean to say that they are by any means wrong or less valid if they are from a woman's perspective, but one must keep in mind that, as has been said, a woman is very different from a man. Let's think about what a man might feel if the OP sat down with him for a "heart to heart". Men, and I am making wide generalizations here, do not explain their emotions well. They have difficulty relating to feelings and more often than not will feel that a heart to heart discussion is not in a language they speak. It is for this reason that this discussion must be approached with utmost care. If my wife were to approach me about this situation I would very likely feel distrusted. That's not to say that I would disagree or believe her to be wrong, but that feeling of distrust will instantly sour my willingness to discuss the topic. It is very hard to discuss things further from that point. If I may suggest, I think your best course of action would be to better understand why he desires these hikes. Ask him what he and her discuss on their hikes, show an interest. If he doesn't like to talk about it, then I believe that to be a reason for concern. But if he responds by telling you about a great discussion they had about the nature of God, or an in-depth analysis of the pastor's last sermon, then I think you have less (but not nothing) to be concerned about. Men want to be understood and they want to be trusted. The best way to communicate with them is to maintain those two elements in a discussion about something as serious as this. At least that's how I would feel if I were your husband.

married4fun -> RE: Husband doing things with a CHRISTIAN female friend who is married (4/18/2008 2:10:52 AM)
I just read your original post. yeah, you are right. He probably knows it. Approach him with expressive love but remind him of his vows. Part of loving you is to love you in an understanding way. If you are insecure for no reason...well that is part of who you are. On the other hand you may have very good reason to feel insecure. The main thing is that he married ..YOU. I don't care if you are wrong in your feelings about his actions..... he still married YOU. Ask him to make you feel cherished and describe to him how he could do that. I've been in his shoes. If he is good and trustworthy, he will understand the rightness of loving his wife regardless of whether or not his wife is right or wrong in her opinions. It would not be mean to the other person or bad in any way for him to make himself unavailable for hikes with her and her son. His commitment to you is so much more important than what ther other person thinks of him for qittting the hikes. I hope he acts like a man and not a boy.

lastblast -> RE: Husband doing things with a CHRISTIAN female friend who is married (4/18/2008 7:54:41 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: bensulli If I may suggest, I think your best course of action would be to better understand why he desires these hikes. Ask him what he and her discuss on their hikes, show an interest. If he doesn't like to talk about it, then I believe that to be a reason for concern. But if he responds by telling you about a great discussion they had about the nature of God, or an in-depth analysis of the pastor's last sermon, then I think you have less (but not nothing) to be concerned about. Men want to be understood and they want to be trusted. The best way to communicate with them is to maintain those two elements in a discussion about something as serious as this. At least that's how I would feel if I were your husband. I would suggest that your approach, to be interested in the connection between another female and the woman's husband, is far from a good approach. Do you not understand that MANY affairs and broken marriages have occurred with peoples of the opposite sex due to their similar interests (including God)? Some of these situations happen even when the individuals involved aren't remotely attracted to each other at the beginning. This woman SEES that this situation is not beneficial to her marriage. The thing is: many men are CLUELESS when it comes to identifying when women are "being nice" vs when women are "flirting/coming on to them, etc". Most women, on the other hand, can SEE it clearly. I understand how a man may feel "distrusted" in such a situation, but on the other hand, such a man is VERY naive if he thinks that he can be with another woman doing things he enjoys, enjoying her company, and then NOT develop a deeper connection with her----which MAY lead to a physical relationship. One Christian site I am a member of changed it's PM policy due to "innapropriate relationships" being formed through private messages. They even have 2 members that divorced their spouses and are now married to each other. We have to GUARD our marriages..........wives need to be aware of the danger of connecting with other men and husbands need to be aware of the danger of entertaining female friends (this is ESPECIALLY true if there are marital problems/weaknesses to begin with). Many affairs start off as "innocent" friendships, even among the most TRUSTWORTHY spouses. Blessings.........

keepitreal -> RE: Husband doing things with a CHRISTIAN female friend who is married (4/18/2008 10:17:53 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: lastblast quote: ORIGINAL: bensulli If I may suggest, I think your best course of action would be to better understand why he desires these hikes. Ask him what he and her discuss on their hikes, show an interest. If he doesn't like to talk about it, then I believe that to be a reason for concern. But if he responds by telling you about a great discussion they had about the nature of God, or an in-depth analysis of the pastor's last sermon, then I think you have less (but not nothing) to be concerned about. Men want to be understood and they want to be trusted. The best way to communicate with them is to maintain those two elements in a discussion about something as serious as this. At least that's how I would feel if I were your husband. I would suggest that your approach, to be interested in the connection between another female and the woman's husband, is far from a good approach. Do you not understand that MANY affairs and broken marriages have occurred with peoples of the opposite sex due to their similar interests (including God)? Some of these situations happen even when the individuals involved aren't remotely attracted to each other at the beginning. This woman SEES that this situation is not beneficial to her marriage. The thing is: many men are CLUELESS when it comes to identifying when women are "being nice" vs when women are "flirting/coming on to them, etc". Most women, on the other hand, can SEE it clearly. I understand how a man may feel "distrusted" in such a situation, but on the other hand, such a man is VERY naive if he thinks that he can be with another woman doing things he enjoys, enjoying her company, and then NOT develop a deeper connection with her----which MAY lead to a physical relationship. One Christian site I am a member of changed it's PM policy due to "innapropriate relationships" being formed through private messages. They even have 2 members that divorced their spouses and are now married to each other. We have to GUARD our marriages..........wives need to be aware of the danger of connecting with other men and husbands need to be aware of the danger of entertaining female friends (this is ESPECIALLY true if there are marital problems/weaknesses to begin with). Many affairs start off as "innocent" friendships, even among the most TRUSTWORTHY spouses. Blessings......... Excellent post!

iwillfearnoevil -> RE: Husband doing things with a CHRISTIAN female friend who is married (4/18/2008 2:22:56 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: lastblast We have to GUARD our marriages..........wives need to be aware of the danger of connecting with other men and husbands need to be aware of the danger of entertaining female friends (this is ESPECIALLY true if there are marital problems/weaknesses to begin with). Many affairs start off as "innocent" friendships, even among the most TRUSTWORTHY spouses. Blessings......... agreed. one's favorite hobbies should be spent together with their spouse or same sex friends. why give another person the opportunity to bond closer to you when it should be your spouse. anyone not agreeing, please refer to "Why Should a Couple Plan to Be with Each Other When They Are the Happiest?" http://marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5069_qa.html as this is a great article and should put some doubts aside

itsnotwhatuthink -> RE: Husband doing things with a CHRISTIAN female friend who is married (4/18/2008 6:32:04 PM)
No, not good. I think you know that or you wouldn't even ask. Sorry. The Bible says to stay away from even the appearance of evil. Your husband and this woman are having what would be called a date if both of them were not already married. Come on, please.

bensulli -> RE: Husband doing things with a CHRISTIAN female friend who is married (4/19/2008 5:12:22 AM)
quote: I would suggest that your approach, to be interested in the connection between another female and the woman's husband, is far from a good approach. I did not say to show interest, I said make efforts to understand. The former reinforces his behaviour while the latter informs you of the motive of the behaviour. A person can not make a wise decision as to how to tackle such a delicate problem until they are properly informed of the core issue - in this case the reason the man desires this other relationship. quote: Do you not understand that MANY affairs and broken marriages have occurred with peoples of the opposite sex due to their similar interests (including God)? At no point did I say that sharing an interest with the woman in any way justified or lessened the danger of what the man was doing. The point I was trying to make was that it's necessary to gain an understanding of what the man is experiencing. Would you not agree that the man avoiding the question is a worse sign than for him to answer with honest naivety? That was my point. If he's simply naive (like you said, men sometimes don't see relational matters as clearly as women) then I think he will not have a problem discussing things openly. quote: Many affairs start off as "innocent" friendships, even among the most TRUSTWORTHY spouses. No disagreement there. I believe we're on the same page, but simply approach the situation from different vantage points.

bluved -> RE: Husband doing things with a CHRISTIAN female friend who is married (4/19/2008 5:32:37 AM)
It depends on the level of relationship but a general rule of thumb is I don't hang out with my friends husbands and neither does my hubby hang out with our friends wives. However, in rare instance I take another friend with me and with permssion from my hubby. If he is not open to ya'll hangin out together at all I'd trust the gut. Its not ok just cause the kids are present.

WaitingforBoaz -> RE: Husband doing things with a CHRISTIAN female friend who is married (4/19/2008 2:15:24 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: sjd2008 quote: ORIGINAL: moonbeam87 I think certain people are naive because they put themselves in risky situations like this only to be surprised when it goes too far--like "I can't believe that we had an affair, that was never our intention, we were just friends!" It's like they are setting themselves for disaster (they had no boundaries) yet they were not aware of that. That's naive. quote: Please don't assume that all males and females want to have affairs because they are friends I didn't say that people want to have affairs. They are naive for thinking there friendship can't progress to something more when they spend a lot of alone time with a member of the opposite sex and being surprised when it does. I come at this from a different view. I believe that people have affairs not because they have a friendship that goes in the wrong direction. I believe that people have affairs because there is something that their marriage that is either wrong or missing. People do not have affairs because there is something missing or wrong in their marriage, they have affairs because they choose to make choices that lead to the eventual choice of having an affair. They ignore the subtle promptings of the Spirit that say "do not go there!" they go down the path with signs everywhere that say "do not enter!" Lets just call sin what it is "sin." Since this is what I'm sure the OP wants to avoid, I feel the best and quickest way to avoid this is to confront the husband and be loving but firm in saying that you are not comfortable with the arrangement and that you would like it to end. I was married for 20 years and have been widowed for 10 months. I could not have let this continue in my marriage. If something is wrong or missing in a marriage the appropriate thing to do would be to go to your spouse and let them know what is missing or wrong and try to resolve the situation together. quote: To bring this back on topic. The disaster in this case is that there are 2 families that are having issues. The issue isn't with the OP's husband alone. The majority of the posts have gone after her husband, There ARE 2 other people involved. How about a pow wow of all four adults? I disagree....a marriage is between 2 people. The OP is responsible for her own marriage only. The other couple need to deal with this on their own.

Hislittleone -> RE: Husband doing things with a CHRISTIAN female friend who is married (4/19/2008 2:55:05 PM)
There is something strange about a married man wanting to exclude his wife from this activity with the other woman. If he refuses to go on the weekends when his own wife is available that is essentially what he is doing....excluding her on purpose. I think his actions are selfish and rude and potentially dangerous to the marriage. Actually it IS dangerous for the marriage right now because it is causing a rift between husband and wife. Bottom line is the husband should honor his wife's wishes.

funny_girl -> RE: Husband doing things with a CHRISTIAN female friend who is married (4/19/2008 10:17:34 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: MitziRWhite Jenny, I would but they conveniently go during the week while I'm at work and he husband is also at work. So that is part of the problem. There's a problem because it doesn't work for you. Your husband made a commitment to you and you are the most important person in his life, or should be. Part of his job is to protect you. Emotionally and physically if at all possible. I have guy friends and *every once in a while* I'll do something with them, but it's been a LOooooooooNG time since that has happened. Over a year now. Once, I picked up my guy friend and we went to pick up his wife, my husband was invited. Another time, I was on the other side of town working on a project and had a sandwich with our single guy friend. There isn't any attraction there and that happened maybe 2 times. I know I wouldn't like it if my husband did that. Kids or not. I wouldn't like it at all! I hope you've been able to bring a resolve.

midwestmom26 -> RE: Husband doing things with a CHRISTIAN female friend who is married (4/24/2008 2:48:35 PM)
PLEASE . . . take action with this BEFORE it goes any further. I registered for a login just so I could post a reply to you when I stumbled across this question. Please read this article: http://www.crosswalk.com/marriage/11560637/ I was in this exact situation about a year and a half ago. I see SO many similarities. Both my husband and this woman were in denial because their relationship hadn't turned physical and they were "good christians." She even had him praying with her!!! She did end up getting divorced and expected him to do the same. She had a meltdown when he told her he had decided to stay with me. Remember . . . the devil doesnt come to us in "ugly" packages, he uses very enticing packages. Read the above article. I will guarantee you your husband and this woman are in one of these 4 phases, and very likely headed for the final . . . a full blown physical affair. If I could save one marriage from what I was put through for so many months, it will be worth it to me!! PRAY PRAY PRAY . . . ask your husband to pray with you . . . Couples who pray together stay together 95% of the time! God Bless you!

2Timothy3_16 -> RE: Husband doing things with a CHRISTIAN female friend who is married (4/25/2008 2:05:57 PM)
Another "cop out" in a situation like this that is a heart trap is when spouse says "but you know I am not attracted to him." I learned the hard way that doesn't matter. She was attracted or perhaps addicted to the attention and to being somewhat of an idol to that person, which led to resentment by me. Having the children might even make it worse as it could create a fantasy-like situation where one or both imagine "what if" it were us instead of me and my wife and you and your husband. As for whether or not just the interaction violates scripture, I think it is clear that a spouse would be walking on uneven ground and failing to abstain from all appearances of evil in doing things with a person of the opposite sex. Even for professional matters, I adopted two "rules" so as to never have a question. 1. If it were required that a female and I attend a function that required traveling that a third person would be invited. 2. If I needed to meet with a female employee "off premise" for, let's say a lunch meeting, that a thirdwould be invited and we'd meet at the restaurant. I first thought the third for accountablilty was fine but once as we were boarding my vehicle the man I'd invited to come along says "I've got to run by the bank after our meeting. I'll meet you guys there. That LEARNED me that LESSON.

reach -> RE: Husband doing things with a CHRISTIAN female friend who is married (4/25/2008 2:40:50 PM)
My husband has friends that are female and I have friends that are male. We don't do much with out each other, but we do do things. Especially since my husband and I have different interests and different days off. Now I know who he is with, as does he. I don't think this the start of affairs, but I do believe that people know when something is not right. The spouse should respect each other enough that if it is brought up that you don't like this, you should say OK, even though there is nothing there, I won't do this because it upsets you. Both people should put their spouse before friends.

h_seaton -> RE: Husband doing things with a CHRISTIAN female friend who is married (4/27/2008 12:29:18 AM)
I think that if it is bothering you, then he should not be doing it. He may very well be filling in a part of her marriage that is missing, and neither of them really know it. That is something she should work out with her husband. As for you and yours, if he knows it makes you uncomfortable that he is spending time with another woman, then he should stop right away unless her husband or you go along with them.

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