How can I make him happy:( (Full Version)

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Mrstmh -> How can I make him happy:( (4/10/2008 11:37:45 PM)

My marriage is at its end . I have been married 13 years we have 5 children witha 6th on the way in August. My husband and I have always had issues he has substance abuse problems , I havent always been the greatest support with my ultimatums and cutting myself off from him, but I always thought we'd make it through someday because we got married for the right reasons as Christians in front of God .Last fall after he had disappeared and reappeard for the 3rd time in 3 years due to cocaine abuse I told him we need to move to get a frresh start away from the influences in our neighboorhood. I started the countdown in July ...Sept I took the kids and enrolled them in school for thier first time I had been homeschooling for 8 years , and I had worked full time the last 5 , I knew I couldnt work and school anymore so I quit my job and asked him to get a better job ..thats when he disappeared again. Now I'm backtracking sorry . Anyways in Sept the kids and I moved to a different town with my parents. He stayed at the old place til Dec. then moved to a hotel for that month . In Jan he rented a one bedroom month to month til we could find a new place of our own....IN Feb he decided he couldnt live with me anymore that he had never been happy and we just didnt mix. He hasnt had a regualr full time job in 5 + years his Mom takes care of him for the most part. So I was always riding him about that I had gone to work so he could go to school but he never did anything with his education it was all frustrating we hadnt been to church in years and when I suggested we go he always told me I should go w/o him and show I really cared .We have never been able to pray together well not since the first year cause he always makes me feel like I'm not doing it right ...I've learned now not to care and just pray but it may be too little too late. He has quit the drugs again and has been reading his bible and praying more and now I am hearing God never wanted us together he just made it happen cause we had a kid and he wanted to get right with God. That hes never been happy and even if God can make me a good wife it wont be for him... One of our biggest issues is his lack of trust in me ..I admit fibbing about how much I spent at the grocery store from time to time but he believes i have been unfaithful to him many times ..that is just not true at all. One of his friends said I was seeing him behind my husbands back..I dont know why this man wants to destroy us but my husband took his word over mine,saying thats why hes been so unhappy for so long casue he knew it inside that I was cheating on him adn that I was a liar and all sorts of other choice words. I keep trying to reach out to him but he says the best he can offer me is friendship and that I need to accept its over and move on...easy for him to say I have 5 kids and a baby coming soon, no job no money , no home of my own .I am frustrated but I keep trying to save us I do w/e he asks of me even though hes not nice after whether its a ride somewhere or money I give it to him. How can I make him happy if I ahvent been able to do it in 17 years .How can I get him to believe me over this other guy , I feel like God himself could come down and make a case for me and he'd still find a reason to think the worst of me . I ve gotten past the porn and the substance abuse and the disappearing but I have to be under constant attack for things I never did , I have to defend myself ona daily basis against accusations and coincidences like this guy callling after I called form my break at work all the time. Why cant my husband see the devil can do things like that . Why cant he give me the benefit of the doubt like I have for him for so long. I want to be happy to but I made a vow and I dont believe in divorce. If he divorces me for this I will be alone forever , for something I never did , how can he say hes reading the bible and praying and that Gods telling him to leave his wife he cant be hearing the right voice .He said God didnt say marriage would be hell and ours has been so its over . I am in counsleing and trying to keep myself together but I need my husband ..funny casue everyone says Ive pretty much been on my own for so many years but I always knew he was there and someday it would all be alright, I dont want to lose hope. Hes like a roller coaster hes all church or all drugs there no inbetween he says when he was all church I wasnt happy either that Im never happy ...I wasnt cause w/e it was, there was that then me I never came first ...or second or third , but I held on hoping someday hed find that balance ..then hed say I wasnt supportive and go back to the drugs and whatnot. I have given him so many chances it hurts that hes the one calling it quits . I want more then anything to stay married and be happy but I dont think he'll even try anymore he says hes tried more then I give him credit for and hes spent. I'm spent but I keep trying
He says he loves me and we'll always be friends .....I send him im's everyday tellgin him have a good day love you good night love you w/e just so he knows I'm still here I get back ones that say we will nevr make it through this ..ots over accept that ...I'm at my end I dont know how much more I can take . Trying to hold myself together for my kids crying half the night . I feel like God cant hear me why hasnt this other guy been proven false yet , why am I the one being attacked , why am I the onyl one who wanst to work on this marriage , I know many other women would have run for the hills by now . I'm trying to remeber that my marriage is a covenant and that no man can tear us apart ..but doesnt that count form within? I need hope and prayer , I need his ears to hear the right voice and not all these lying spirits I need God to remind him of who hes supposed to be and that he amde a promise to me .I'm so confused I just want to curl in a ball and sleep forever instead I'm raising 5 kids trying to find a job 5 months pregnant( not easy) and save my marriage all alone. Bleh now i got most of it off my chest any suggestions?:)



jaimestarcross -> RE: How can I make him happy:( (4/11/2008 12:55:42 AM)

I'm very sorry that you are dealing with so much heartache - it's not fair to you or to the children.
The Lord is always there taking you through all that mess.
I'm truly sorry that your husband isn't being the Godly husband and father.
His cocaine habit isn't something one can let loose of like a kleenex --- it takes time and treatment. I've seen my brother go through stopping and restarting - he couldn't quit it by himself... many try to do it for a season for various reasons. Your husband's addictions are affecting his ability to think correctly (not too mention the other things cocaine does to the body.) He's being influenced by the enemy and bad friends - his religion isn't on firm ground because if he was he wouldn't be doing the double talk. God isn't a God of confusion - so we know confusion is something the enemy(satan) uses to destroy our lives.
I suggest that you access the resources(your parents, friends, welfare, church outreaches, food banks etc) in your area to get you and the children shelter and food. Put your children first - they need you to be acting in their best interest since their father isn't.
You and the children need a stable home environment without their father since he's doing his on and off drug use and whatever else he's into.

If your husband wants to divorce you he's responsible for paying child support for all his children ... him saying you are cheating and insinuating that some of the children aren't his is just a smoke screen to keep you upset and out of sorts - the court doesn't go by what he says - they will want proof of his accusations.
It's a little late for him to be crying foul when you are pregnant with the sixth child!
If he didn't want so many children he should of taken precautions to keep that from happening.
One more thing it's not your job to save the marriage - you have your hands full taking care of the children. Get back into going to church, praying and being fully committed to the Lord. Make your prayer requests known to God and trust Him to resolve the issue of saving your marriage - it's out of your hands anyway.
Stop trying to be wonder woman - just be a loving mom who's trusting God for all that you need.
Your husband is responsible for his own actions - not you. I'm sure you've talked to him until you are blue in the face - now it's time to step back - get you and the children some help to find shelter and food. When you've done all that you can possibly do - give the situation to God to work out the rest. This problem is too big for you alone to resolve but it's not too big for God!

Your children need you to be strong for them and protect them from harm or harmful influences... and if your husband isn't going to get himself into drug treatment program he really shouldn't be around them or you.
Call upon those resources in your area - call your parents the situation you are in is very serious and you need help! Don't be afraid or ashamed - those fears will keep you captive and prolong the ordeal you all are in.



car2ner -> RE: How can I make him happy:( (4/11/2008 6:27:59 AM)

I strongly agree with James, the drugs will effect his thinking. There is not discussing it logically or rationally.

Do be careful of falling for a knight in shining armor coming along. That would be a huge temptation.



2shaye -> RE: How can I make him happy:( (4/15/2008 4:39:35 PM)

Jaime gave you some great advice. I want to add - seek out a Teen Challenge center in your area. Most of them offer classes or counseling for the loved one. They can help and encourage you not to enable and they will be prayer warriors for your marriage! It's not just for teens, so don't let the name discourage you. You can find one in your area by going to www.teenchallenge.com. They have THE HIGHEST documented cure rate IN THE WORLD!!!



jaimestarcross -> RE: How can I make him happy:( (4/15/2008 9:44:00 PM)

Just so you know.... it's jaime (female) aka jaimestarcross



Mrstmh -> RE: How can I make him happy:( (4/17/2008 11:18:26 AM)

Thanks for the advice and support I've found a place to live and a employer that is willing to look past the baby bump and give me a job so things are looking up . Have another issue though hope to get osme thoughts on . My husband is still pushing for a divorce at least he says it everyday and has cleared it with his mother which i find silly . I was talking to his mother this morning and I dont believe in divorce for reasons other than adultery which as far as I know is not part of this other then his delusions. I told her I really dont want to be alone the rest of my life and if he divorces me for unbiblical reasons I would become and adultress if I were too marry .....She told me no that isnt true and I pointed out scripture and she replyed then live in sin ..God will forgive you....She goes to the same church as me I know thats not what they teach ..I think shes just wants her son to herself so badly ..shes pretty much taken my place taking care of him going shopping with him , making all sorts of future plans ..last night my daughter had a track meet they sat by me but barley said a word to me just joked aroung with eachother and made it a point to do thier daily bible readings in front of me ...are they reading the same bible? How do I respond to this woman that is supposed to be a christian I can look up to?I mean she gets up every morning reads her bible and prays ..who does she hear? How do you answer a christain that tells you to go ahead live in sin God will forgive you ..I have issues enough without having fakeness in my life or my childrens its not the kind of repsonse I would ever want her giving them ..Go ahead have premarital sex God will forgive you I mean come on where do you draw the line. My husband always says her runs everything past her cause shes close to God ...I mean no wonder hes such a mess and so is our marriage if this is the kind of wordly advice she gives him. What do I say to them or do I just ignore it?



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