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[Poll]
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Pre-marital counseling
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| Yes-We thought it necessary |
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| Yes-It was required |
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| No-Not available |
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| No-We did Not think it necessary |
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| No-It was not required/mentioned |
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| We thought it helpful |
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| We did Not find it helpful |
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| We recommend it |
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| We would not recommend it |
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Total Votes : 112
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(last vote on : 5/30/2008 1:02:12 PM)
(Poll will run till: -- )
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Pre-marital counseling - 4/12/2008 12:30:24 PM
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acknwldgeverygdthing
Posts: 109
Joined: 7/23/2006
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I'm interested in your thoughts about premarital counseling. What were your experiences?
_____________________________
Behold I am vile; What shall I answer You? I lay my hand over my mouth. Once I have spoken, but I will not answer; Yes, twice but I will proceed no further. Job 40: 4-5
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RE: Pre-marital counseling - 4/12/2008 12:55:53 PM
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ta_mosquito
Posts: 10936
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From: from MN, now in Ontario :D
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My votes are somewhat schizophrenic. I voted for:
Yes-We thought it necessary
Yes-It was required
We did Not find it helpful
We recommend it
We both thought it was necessary and it was required. In our particular case, it was a 2 day rush marathon because I was from 1000 miles away and we had to do it in person with the pastor. We did not find it helpful because (1) it was so rushed, (2) a lot of it was more lecture and Bible study than actually digging into what OUR thoughts were on the issues, and (3) we had discussed most of it before on our own, anyway.
However, I do recommend it, especially if your counseling gets into more your own attitudes, concerns, etc. than just working through the 5 main topics of marriage (roles, finances, family/children... can't remember the others) as a Bible study. Also, if you haven't taken the effort to work through these issues on your own as a couple or feel uncomfortable doing it on your own, I recommend the premarital counseling.
_____________________________
Tricia
"When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the fire department generally uses water." ~Unknown
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RE: Pre-marital counseling - 4/12/2008 3:52:22 PM
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ladyingrace1979
Posts: 204
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For us it was required and it wasn't helpful. It was far too generic. The whole husbands love your spouse as Christ and wives submit to your husbands. Good godly standards but both husband and I had heard these things from childhood, what we needed was a little more focus on issues that might have come up between the two of us, specifically.
Kim Q
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RE: Pre-marital counseling - 4/13/2008 12:12:08 AM
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Szaftoo
Posts: 964
Joined: 4/13/2005
From: So. Calif.
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It was required at my church and if it weren't, we would have done it anyway. We also attended pre-marrieds classes that were also required. We had some very difficult and challenging subjects to cover, issues that would eventually come into a marriage.
It worked for us and I would suggest it to anyone getting married.
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RE: Pre-marital counseling - 4/13/2008 3:15:51 AM
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Annie64
Posts: 507
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It wasn't available to us, even though the minister usually required it. The minister was my husband's father, and he didn't feel comfortable with doing it, nor did we feel comfortable having him do it. So we didn't get it. I've thought many times since that we missed out on something that would have been very helpful in those early years. It didn't occur to us to go to another minister for it.
_____________________________
On Christ the solid rock I stand
ALL other ground is sinking sand.
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RE: Pre-marital counseling - 4/13/2008 12:58:26 PM
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GregandJenny
Posts: 285
Joined: 2/16/2006
From: Near Seattle Washington
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depends on which one of you ask.
It was required so we did it.
I liked it she didn't.
Useful, well not really because all of the things we had talked about during our engagement.
I would recommend it, she probably wouldn't.
I think that it is important for those who haven't had some deep conversation or have an unrealistic view view of marriage. Some people just dunno how to communicate,
G
_____________________________
The Will of God never takes you to where the Grace of God will not protect you
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RE: Pre-marital counseling - 4/13/2008 5:41:01 PM
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Szaftoo
Posts: 964
Joined: 4/13/2005
From: So. Calif.
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quote:
ORIGINAL: GregandJenny
I think that it is important for those who haven't had some deep conversation or have an unrealistic view view of marriage. Some people just dunno how to communicate
You can have in depth communication about everything under the sun and there are still those issues that will come as a surprise. You can have very realistic ideas of what a marriage is and should be and still have those unexpected things happen that could threaten a relationship.
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RE: Pre-marital counseling - 4/13/2008 5:49:39 PM
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GregandJenny
Posts: 285
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From: Near Seattle Washington
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quote:
You can have in depth communication about everything under the sun and there are still those issues that will come as a surprise. You can have very realistic ideas of what a marriage is and should be and still have those unexpected things happen that could threaten a relationship.
do you really think Pre-marital counseling will help that. I believe it's different for all people. Again like I said, I loved it. I learned alot. My wife hated it. She wouldn't recommend pre=marital counseling to anyone.
G
_____________________________
The Will of God never takes you to where the Grace of God will not protect you
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RE: Pre-marital counseling - 4/13/2008 6:38:10 PM
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Szaftoo
Posts: 964
Joined: 4/13/2005
From: So. Calif.
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quote:
ORIGINAL: GregandJenny
quote:
You can have in depth communication about everything under the sun and there are still those issues that will come as a surprise. You can have very realistic ideas of what a marriage is and should be and still have those unexpected things happen that could threaten a relationship.
do you really think Pre-marital counseling will help that. I believe it's different for all people. Again like I said, I loved it. I learned alot. My wife hated it. She wouldn't recommend pre=marital counseling to anyone.
G
G, I honestly believe pre-marital counseling helps with those unexpected issues in a marriage, however, I also believe not everyone benefits from it.
For me personally, counseling was difficult and sometimes I hated it, but I believe it has contributed to 24 years of a happy and fulfilling marriage.
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RE: Pre-marital counseling - 4/13/2008 7:30:06 PM
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GregandJenny
Posts: 285
Joined: 2/16/2006
From: Near Seattle Washington
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quote:
unexpected issues in a marriage
what would you consider an unexpected issue in marriage?
_____________________________
The Will of God never takes you to where the Grace of God will not protect you
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RE: Pre-marital counseling - 4/13/2008 9:23:20 PM
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Wild-Rose
Posts: 171
Joined: 1/11/2006
From: Upstate NY
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quote:
ORIGINAL: GregandJenny
quote:
unexpected issues in a marriage
what would you consider an unexpected issue in marriage?
One example, one time about ten years ago my husband was accused of sexual harassment at work and was laid off. Not only did we deal with temporary loss of his job, his depression, the shock of being falsely accused, but also legal issues. Fortunately he had never given me a reason to mistrust him so I did not have to deal with that. I assumed from the start that he was innocent.
Sorry, I know that question was not addressed to me, but it is a good example of a time when you feel like the rug has been pulled from beneath your feet. A couple needs to trust each other and make it through the hard times day by day.
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Wild-Rose
Rejoice that your name is written in heaven. Luke 10:20
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RE: Pre-marital counseling - 4/13/2008 9:30:16 PM
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GregandJenny
Posts: 285
Joined: 2/16/2006
From: Near Seattle Washington
Status: offline
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I guess I never really loked at pre-marital counseling dealing with issues like that.
G
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The Will of God never takes you to where the Grace of God will not protect you
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RE: Pre-marital counseling - 4/14/2008 8:52:03 AM
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Szaftoo
Posts: 964
Joined: 4/13/2005
From: So. Calif.
Status: offline
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quote:
ORIGINAL: GregandJenny
quote:
unexpected issues in a marriage
what would you consider an unexpected issue in marriage?
We knew what we would do when our parents got older, but didn't realize that would include other older family members also (aunts and uncles). We knew our parents would someday pass on, but I didn't think I would be gone from home for a couple of months living with my them while my dad was in hospice at home.
We knew we had a difficult family member but didn't know the challenge it would be with our kids. We knew sickness was a part of life but not to the extent it came one year.
Though we didn't address every single issue that comes up in a marriage, we knew what to do, how to react and how to stay strong as a couple when the challenges came.
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RE: Pre-marital counseling - 4/14/2008 12:08:26 PM
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YZGUY
Posts: 225
Joined: 3/9/2008
Status: offline
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One of the biggest mistakes I have seen regarding pre-marital counseling is that couple going into second marriages do not have it or believe they do not need it. With the divorce rate higher in 2nd marriages and all those step-family issues, one would wonder why couples do not seek this as top priority when approaching 2nd marriages.
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RE: Pre-marital counseling - 4/14/2008 12:14:19 PM
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stellaluna
Posts: 3281
Joined: 4/11/2005
Status: offline
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My answers are the same as Tricia's.
The main reasons our pre-marital counseling was not helpful is because we weren't able to finish it. There were issues that came up with our minister and it had to be cut short. Still...I know many couples who have benefited from it and I would recommend it. There are just some marriage things you aren't going to think of beforehand that counseling can at least get you thinking about.
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RE: Pre-marital counseling - 4/14/2008 12:29:49 PM
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karlie
Posts: 16484
Joined: 4/10/2005
From: Central California
Status: offline
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My answers were multiple, too.
It was required by our pastor, we did think it was a good idea, and it was helpful.
We really didn't have any issues before we married at all...we felt in complete agreement over everything of importance, so we didn't really have anything to work out in counseling. But, what pre-marital counseling did for us was to help us avoid trouble in the future before it even began. He gave us so many practical tips on safe-guarding our marriage, setting boundaries with family members and other people, the importance of certain things that we may not have been aware as strongly beforehand. There were many times in the first few years that taking the things we learned in marriage counseling and applying them before there was even an issue helped us completely avoid pitfalls we've seen other couples fall into.
That's why I would recommend it to every couple getting married...not so much because you have issues, or because you can't eventually figure them out yourselves, but to learn ways to avoid things becoming a problem in the first place.
_____________________________
Life is too short for sensible shoes!
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RE: Pre-marital counseling - 4/14/2008 12:29:56 PM
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GroupW
Posts: 1481
Joined: 11/16/2007
Status: offline
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quote:
ORIGINAL: ta_mosquito
My votes are somewhat schizophrenic. I voted for:
Yes-We thought it necessary
Yes-It was required
We did Not find it helpful
We recommend it
We both thought it was necessary and it was required. In our particular case, it was a 2 day rush marathon because I was from 1000 miles away and we had to do it in person with the pastor. We did not find it helpful because (1) it was so rushed, (2) a lot of it was more lecture and Bible study than actually digging into what OUR thoughts were on the issues, and (3) we had discussed most of it before on our own, anyway.
However, I do recommend it, especially if your counseling gets into more your own attitudes, concerns, etc. than just working through the 5 main topics of marriage (roles, finances, family/children... can't remember the others) as a Bible study. Also, if you haven't taken the effort to work through these issues on your own as a couple or feel uncomfortable doing it on your own, I recommend the premarital counseling.
My votes exactly. And quite nearly word for word what I would have written. Wierd, eh?
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RE: Pre-marital counseling - 4/17/2008 2:45:47 PM
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doinkdom
Posts: 3641
Joined: 4/12/2005
From: The higher lowcountry
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IMO it depends on the material being used and when the couple is going to do it.
We did it and we recommend it...but see above
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RE: Pre-marital counseling - 4/18/2008 12:15:20 AM
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acknwldgeverygdthing
Posts: 109
Joined: 7/23/2006
Status: offline
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Thanks for the insight.
Did some of you feel that issues discussed were not the business of the counselor? Or did the counseling become too personal?
_____________________________
Behold I am vile; What shall I answer You? I lay my hand over my mouth. Once I have spoken, but I will not answer; Yes, twice but I will proceed no further. Job 40: 4-5
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RE: Pre-marital counseling - 4/18/2008 9:38:05 AM
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Szaftoo
Posts: 964
Joined: 4/13/2005
From: So. Calif.
Status: offline
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quote:
ORIGINAL: acknwldgeverygdthing
Thanks for the insight.
Did some of you feel that issues discussed were not the business of the counselor? Or did the counseling become too personal?
Our counseling was with the pastor who married us, and I absolutely felt some of what he wanted to discuss was personal. However, if those issues had not been addressed, our marriage would have been in serious trouble. He felt I needed to deal with something that I felt was no big deal. After we got married, I realized how important it was to talk and pray about before we got married.
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RE: Pre-marital counseling - 4/18/2008 7:48:05 PM
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sharonjef2007
Posts: 1279
Joined: 4/10/2007
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Well, so far my FH and I have done 2 of the 3 sessions. The first one the pastor asked a bunch of questions to get to know us and such. He then said we were doing everything right and told us to go to the book store and pick out 4 books on marriage to read. Bring them to the next session.
We did that, and brought the books with us for session #2. We then did a personality test and talked about that. It was interesting. But, we could have read the book and done the study ourselves to get the same info out of it. We will meet again in a couple of months and talk about the books we bought and are now reading.
In order to get married in the church we are getting married in, we were required to go to counseling. And, the pastor doing it is not the person marrying us. My FH's father is doing the ceremony, and I refused to do counseling with him. I felt that would be setting some poor boundries with the future inlaws.
Sooooo....it has not been a true waste of time, but it has not blown my socks off either.
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my blog......I guess it is time for an update.......
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RE: Pre-marital counseling - 4/20/2008 4:04:27 AM
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budd624
Posts: 53
Joined: 4/12/2005
From: Keizer, Oregon
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The main part of our premarital counseling was to shovel manuer off the land we were going to get married on. It took us all day and without a problem!
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Survivor of hydrocephalus diagnosed at 1 month old!
25 Brain surgeries! (None since March 8, 2000!)
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