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AlwaysAlone -> New and needing help (4/14/2008 10:10:36 PM)

Hello: I am new here. Just found this surfing for some help, so here I am. My story is long but I will give the short of it. My husband and I have been together for 11 years. 7 months after we were married my husband was saved and we began going to a little church pretty close to us. Everything was going perfect. I thought I had the perfect husband. Come to find out 4 months proir to being saved he had an affair, was into internet porn, and adultry chat rooms. At 1st I thru him out and after speaking to our pastor and thinking that he is not the man now that he was when he had the affair and the other stuff. I let him come home and we began a long and hard struggle to work it out. Well for a year and half and 3 councelors later we were doing pretty good. 2 years ago he started hanging out with a family member. At the time I thought he was a very good idol for my husband. He went to church, was a Sunday school teacher, married and very happy. Or so I thought. Well To make my story short and finally to the point my husband today is right back to where he was. He drinks alot every day with the family member, refuses to go to church, cusses all the time, calls me names, porn on line again, and maybe having another affiar. Sometimes I think so and other times I don't. He is always with this family member. He never wants to do anything with me or have really anything to do with me. I have tried everything from pleading, crying, yelling,and even aultimatiums (spelling, sorry). Nothing seems to work. I have prayed and prayed I'm even on some friends prayer lists. Nothing is working.

Does anyone have any advise on what I can do? Thanks in advance



funny_girl -> RE: New and needing help (4/14/2008 10:35:03 PM)

I'm so sorry for your pain and this very difficult situation. It didn't just happen overnight but has been a long process. When the break down began unfortunately you weren't able to 'nip it in the bud' but it grew to the place that you're at today. I recommend that you speak with your pastor. If you both are willing, there is hope. Marriage builders is a website with a lot of resources.

The first question that pops in my mind is. Do you want the marriage?



huckfinn327 -> RE: New and needing help (4/14/2008 10:36:04 PM)

Marriage is honorable and your efforst and labor to make it succeed are the Lord's Will. The most difficult labor of love is the labor to Wait on the Lord ... You are right ... but you are in a battle with the Evil-one.

Jesus is on your side ... He has joined with you and He will be Victorious in your marriage.

Eph 6:10 Finally, my brethren, be strong in the Lord, and in the power of his might.
Eph 6:11 Put on the whole armour of God, that ye may be able to stand against the wiles of the devil.
Eph 6:12 For we wrestle not against flesh and blood, but against principalities, against powers, against the rulers of the darkness of this world, against spiritual wickedness in high places.
Eph 6:13 Wherefore take unto you the whole armour of God, that ye may be able to withstand in the evil day, and having done all, to stand.
Eph 6:14 Stand therefore, having your loins girt about with truth, and having on the breastplate of righteousness;
Eph 6:15 And your feet shod with the preparation of the gospel of peace;
Eph 6:16 Above all, taking the shield of faith, wherewith ye shall be able to quench all the fiery darts of the wicked.
Eph 6:17 And take the helmet of salvation, and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God:
Eph 6:18 Praying always with all prayer and supplication in the Spirit, and watching thereunto with all perseverance and supplication for all saints;
Eph 6:19 And for me, that utterance may be given unto me, that I may open my mouth boldly, to make known the mystery of the gospel,

Huckfinn ... Baptist pastor



AlwaysAlone -> RE: New and needing help (4/14/2008 10:58:34 PM)

Thank you funny girl for your response. Yes, I want this marriage. Why, I do not know. Everything that this man has done to us I will never understand. He tells me that he loves me but it is really hard to believe when he treats me this way. We don't have a pastor anymore. We stopped going to chruch a couple of years ago. I was going to a church by myself but can't seem to find a chruch that I feel good in, by my myself. We live in a town that my husband is very well known in and it is really hard to trust people even in the churches. I am familiar with marriage builders and have been there before.

Huck - Thank you for all the verses. I will study each and everyone. I try to have my own private bible study, but I feel disconnected at times. I do pray everyday for God to help us and for him to guide my husband back to him.



evryknee -> RE: New and needing help (4/15/2008 8:21:12 AM)

What kind of ultimatums have you given? Have you followed through with them?

It is understandable that you feel disonnected - the absence of church, the sins of your husband, the (seemingly) lack of answers to prayer. I would recommend that you press on towards God and not make decisions by "feeling" but on Truth. Many times we say "I don't feel like ________" and so we don't. But it is those things that help us grow when we press on (like Bble Study, prayer, church, faith) and help us know that we are Never Alone (the opposite of your moniker).

You may wish to talk to a Christian Counselor about the situation more in depth to decide what to do next, but before you do anything more drastic, I'd focus more on getting the personal relationship with Christ jumpstarted (confession, repentance, acceping forgiveness, time with God, find a church).



deermousie -> RE: New and needing help (4/15/2008 10:00:49 AM)

There is a book written for people in your situation called, "Love Must Be Tough" by James Dobson. I highly recommend it, as it will give you the dynamics of what is going on and what you can do.

Your husband has a besetting sin and it's like a wolftrap on his face. I am so sorry you find him in this condition, because it's a tough one. You married with the expectation of being faithful and living like you're married, and he either didn't or soon gave it up. If he is unfaithful then you have grounds for divorce. God hates divorce but doesn't forbid it; one person trying to be a relationship of two people is like one hand clapping. It doesn't.

(((Hugs))) to you, dear heart; I am praying that God will bring your husband to repentance so you guys can rebuild your marriage. It's a spriritual battle and your weapons are mighty in God (not you) for pulling down strongholds of sin. May God be glorified and your faithfulness to Him be rewarded with your husband's return to faithfulness.



iwillfearnoevil -> RE: New and needing help (4/15/2008 10:16:46 AM)

deermousie is spot on. i was thinking of that book while reading your post. unfortunately your husband has lost respect of you and your marriage (altho if i read your post correctly happened 3 months after your marriage so i am not sure how much was there to begin). i think you will find it highly relevant - it may even be at your library if finances are a concern. i am praying for your family.



AlwaysAlone -> RE: New and needing help (4/15/2008 8:48:08 PM)

Yzguy - thanks for helping. My ultimatums going from you need to stop drinking,we need counceling or I am going to leave to anything I can think of just trying to get him to wake up. However, I have never followed thru with 1 and he knows it. I know I need to find a church and I am going to. If not for us then for me, I need that.

Deermousie - I went this morning and bought that book. Oh WOW. I have read 2 chapters already and I know this will help me. There is a quote in the book ( Death itself would be easier to tolerate then being tossed aside like an old shoe ). I can't count how many times I have thought that ) and ( She has stripped herself of all self-respect ) Unbeivable I feel just like this all the time. I know god hates divorce and I hate divorce and don't want one but I also don't want to be treated like a door mat the rest of my life. So I pray and pray. Thank you soo much.

iwillfearnoevil - I don't think my husband ever respected me or any female. I was a fool to think that he had changed. Thank you for your prayers.


I am having such a tuff day. I really feel that there is no hope for our marriage. He just doesn't care about me or our marrriage. It's going to be the same for as long as I let him treat me this way. I just can't seem to get up the courage to leave. Even tho he treats me like a a bunch of garbage,totally takes advantage of me, and takes me for granted, I still love him. My friend tells me I love the man I know he can be not the man he is now and that I keep waiting for that man to show up. WHO KNOWS!!!
I thank all of you for listening to me and praying for me. God Bless



jaimestarcross -> RE: New and needing help (4/15/2008 9:41:20 PM)

You can stay in your marriage where you are treated like garbage (according to your own description) or you can go live by yourself and be away from porn, drinking, cussing and bad treatment. You can still love your husband and pray for him to repent. Find a church somewhere else even if it's in another town... it's important that you get back into church and be amongst other believers... and continue walking & growing in the knowledge of our Lord. Being out of church and not being amongst fellow believers does make one weak. I know, because I've been there.



AlwaysAlone -> RE: New and needing help (4/17/2008 5:39:28 PM)

Jaimestarcross - Thank you. I have thought of just that for a long time. The only thing is now, how to I talk myself into it. It is better I guess to live alone healthy and to be sick together. Or in my case sick by myself. I Pray, pray, pray for God to give me strength. I am looking for a church to start attending again.



gocartone -> RE: New and needing help (4/20/2008 9:28:08 PM)

I am also new around here but I do understand what you are going through to a point. You will definately be in my prayers. another bood you could read would be "His Needs Her Needs". I can't think of the authors full name but he has a web site, MarriageBuilders.com. There are some good articles along with the book. I would also agree with those telling you that best thing to do right is pray for God to move in your husbands life. I have been praying for my wife for months for God to change her heart and give her the emotional help that she can only find in Him. I have seen progress but I believe, if we can reconcile, it will be a prayer that I will pray for her for quite a long time. God tells us to pray without ceasing, that the fervant prayer of a rightous man avails much, that He is always listening to us as we go to Him if faith and belief. Like I said, you are in my prayers.



imageoftheinvisible -> RE: New and needing help (4/20/2008 9:44:07 PM)

Your husband needs to know you are mad and he does not deserve to continue his behavior, and if he chooses to continue this behavior, he can do it from another home. There is a book called "I don't love you anymore" by David Clarke and it is for spouses who are the victims of an affair. He recommends that you get angry and let your spouse know that you will no longer tolerate this kind of behavior, and if he doesn't like it then he can find somewhere else to live. I know this may sound harsh, but it takes the wind right out of your husband's sails. You basically stand up for yourself and see your husband's behavior for what it really is...Selfishness. Everything you've listed in your post, i.e. porn, alcohol, cussing, hanging out with the family member is all selfishness. He will continue until it is him that is hurting because he realizes what his behavior has caused.



evryknee -> RE: New and needing help (4/22/2008 12:31:58 PM)

I'm going to disagree with some of the other recommendations for books, as I have read them both and saw that there is some unbiblical advice in both "His Needs Her Needs" and "I Don't Love You Anymore." Though, the advice to "no longer tolerate" is, I think, right on.
To give an ultimatum of I'm leaving you unless you change and not following through means he will not believe you or take you seriously, so you will need to think carefully and pray fervently before such ultimatums are given. If you do this, I believe, it should be done in love. What I mean by that is that to love another person is to point out their sin and follow through with consequences for their sin. Yes, it is OK to be angry with sin, God is, but I think any leaving should not be about revenge because of all that he has done, but about love "You are sinning against me, against God, and against our children (if you have any), and I will not stand by and allow you to sin against me anymore. Therefore I am leaving. If you choose to fight for me, for us, you will need to make some changes." Of course, he may still be sinning against you, but you will not need to hear the verbal abuse and are giving consequences, but with hope for him to change.
Now, for my recommended resource, "How to Act Right When Your Spouse Acts Wrong", by Leslie Vernick.



iwillfearnoevil -> RE: New and needing help (4/22/2008 1:31:42 PM)

alwaysalone, keep going through prayer and the book. you will find more applies to your situation especially chapters regarding addictions like alcoholism and whether separation should be pursued. right now it probably seems like every detail, every action is a huge deal and seems magnified as you are experiencing extreme highs and lows but unless abuse is involved, please try to be patient. you can do this. also as mentioned you should be in church. it doesn't matter your husband is well-known, no one is saying you need to talk about your situation right now.

YZGUY, i didn't recommend it but for the record i don't recall any unbiblical advice in his needs, her needs. it's a good book any maybe would help your husband feel more loved but it may be too tough for you to implement in this situation and not as effective as the dobson book in this case. personally i feel you should consider opening a new thread with the unbiblical advice to warn believers but doing a hit and run in a thread is not a good idea.



evryknee -> RE: New and needing help (4/22/2008 5:56:44 PM)

iwillfearnoevil -
quote:

YZGUY, i didn't recommend it but for the record i don't recall any unbiblical advice in his needs, her needs.

Perhaps my disagreements are more about "needs" vs. "wants" - If the book were tited "His Wants Her Wants" I would have enjoyed it more.
quote:

it's a good book any maybe would help your husband feel more loved but it may be too tough for you to implement in this situation and not as effective as the dobson book in this case.

Well said
quote:

personally i feel you should consider opening a new thread with the unbiblical advice to warn believers
Not a bad idea, perhaps in the books forum
quote:

but doing a hit and run in a thread is not a good idea.

Didn't realize it came across as a "hit" - If so, sorry Gocartone & imageoftheinvisible - you're heart is in helping the struggling and love for the Lord are evident
Though, I must say, we don't really have a choice but to post and log off or "run" now, do we?[:)]



imageoftheinvisible -> RE: New and needing help (4/22/2008 6:05:27 PM)

YZGuy, I didn't feel as though a "Hit and Run" occurred. You stated your opinion like the rest of us.

To get back on the subject, How do we help this wife who is in such pain over her marriage? What suggestions or advice could we possibly offer? There have been a few books suggested and others have offered to pray. It also appears that what's been suggested is that her husband's sin needs to be pointed out and then either she leave the home or he leaves because it is evident that she can no longer stand by and watch her husband spiral out of control.



AlwaysAlone -> RE: New and needing help (4/24/2008 9:11:42 PM)

Well, don't really want to get into all that stuff with you guys. Just rather work on me. I will get that book I don't love you anymore and I'm still reading Love Must Be Tough. I find it very interesting and alot of it is touching on my marriage and some of it isn't. Anyway, I am still praying and praying. I know when it is time for God to answer my prayers he will. I know he has a plan for me and my lesson I believe right now is patience. Even tho I know I should leave, right now I finanically can not. Even tho it is emotional abuse there is no physical and never has been, so I am safe for now. When things are really bad I just go to my room and start reading my bible, and believe it or not he respects that. I just keep hoping a light is going to come on and he will say : Oh my your right, I have been a total jerk and I'm sorry and that I need to get God back in my life " I guess I can hope for miracles. HA

You guys want to hear something really cool? Even tho my husband is lost I can go to him at any time with a problem kids, my parents, etc... and say will you pray with me. He will stop what ever he is doing and pray the most amazing words, it is so beautiful and touching it makes me cry sometimes. I think, if you can talk to God like that openly and outloud then why are you doing all this other stuff? Sometimes, I even ask him that. Sometimes he says he doesn't know and other times he gets really mad at me. Go figure!



imageoftheinvisible -> RE: New and needing help (4/24/2008 10:37:48 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: AlwaysAlone

I just keep hoping a light is going to come on and he will say : Oh my your right, I have been a total jerk and I'm sorry and that I need to get God back in my life " I guess I can hope for miracles. HA



AlwaysAlone,

Your husband will not change until he feels the pain that you feel and he understands that he is the source of that pain. He also will not be motivated to change his behavior until he realizes that he will lose you if he does not step up and change his life. Basically, as long as you sit by and take the verbal abuse, you are enabling him to continue this life-style.

Do you have family or a close friend that you could stay with? It would be very helpful to have people to support you. You cannot do this on your own. I will pray for your husband that God will break his heart, open his eyes, and restore him so that he can become the man God intended.



evryknee -> RE: New and needing help (4/25/2008 7:59:34 AM)

AlwaysAlone - Sounds like you've been getting closer with the Lord & leaning on Him - That sounds great! He is your strength and refuge.
quote:

You guys want to hear something really cool? Even tho my husband is lost I can go to him at any time with a problem kids, my parents, etc... and say will you pray with me. He will stop what ever he is doing and pray the most amazing words, it is so beautiful and touching it makes me cry sometimes. I think, if you can talk to God like that openly and outloud then why are you doing all this other stuff? Sometimes, I even ask him that. Sometimes he says he doesn't know and other times he gets really mad at me. Go figure!


Hhmmmm...Interesting. Glimmers of hope. I wonder if, when these moments come, saying something along the lines of "This is who I think God created you to be and I believe, with God's help, you can be this man. I feel so close to you and want to be near you at these times, etc." But perhaps just staying on the positives during these teachable moments when he is calm, listening, and attentive. I'm assuming that his heart is more receptive at these times. But he may be willing to listen to the positive encouragement and it may encourage him to change. Either way, a husband needs to know that his wife believes in him (respect).

quote:

Your husband will not change until he feels the pain that you feel and he understands that he is the source of that pain. He also will not be motivated to change his behavior until he realizes that he will lose you if he does not step up and change his life.

Just to clarify, Image, that you mean that he needs to be empathetic in knowing what pain he has caused so that it may lead to repentance and not "He needs to feel your pain - so go cause him the same pain"? If so, I agree.



imageoftheinvisible -> RE: New and needing help (4/25/2008 8:23:58 AM)

[/quote]
Just to clarify, Image, that you mean that he needs to be empathetic in knowing what pain he has caused so that it may lead to repentance and not "He needs to feel your pain - so go cause him the same pain"? If so, I agree.
[/quote]

YZguy, Right on. I was trying to point out that until her husband can feel empathy and realize that he has caused his wife pain and he is the source of that pain, he will not hurt enough within himself to want to change. Generally for men, men need to hit rock bottom before they see a need for change. I see rock bottom for this husband being a place where his eyes are opened to the reality of his marriage. He no longer denies his behavior or justifies his actions. He sees things for what they truly are and he accepts responsibility for hurting his wife through his behavior and actions. This doesn't necessarily mean that he becomes perfect from that day forward, but it is clear to his wife and to those around him that he is making changes and he is allowing God to transform him into the man that God wants him to be.



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