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faroukfarouk -> RE: Roberta asked: "would you let your son pierce his ears?" (4/19/2008 9:54:18 PM)
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ORIGINAL: peculiar_lady2
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What if you found out that your firstborn, at age 14, was smoking cigarettes? What if he was doing it away from home? How could you stop him?
we would pray about it, find out what was available in the area for groups, deal with the underlying issue of rebellion, get them in to counseling, etc...whatever we had to do....but in no way would we allow them to think that we would just sweep it under the rug and put up with it. I can't say exactly what the situation would bring about as far as punishments goes, but you can bet that we won't change our stance on it just because a child tries to push us.
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My husband is a drug and alcohol counselor and many addicts come from very, very good Christian homes!
yes I know this....I grew up a PK (preacher's kid for those that don't know that term)....I went to the PK retreats and saw more sinful nature coming out at those then I saw anywhere else. I am not trying to say we won't have problems to face....but we are doing the best that we can NOW with our kids in formulating a belief in them NOW that they can fall back on later when they need to. My parents did the same with us, and the worst "rebellion" we got into was very minor (coming in late for curfew, etc). So I think there is something to be said for putting a solid foundation under our kids first and preparing them with the knowledge they will need so that when those temptations come they know how to deal with them. The Bible says that there is not a temptation that you will face that isn't common for all man to face, but that God has a way of escape....we are preparing our kids with the foundation to know those temptations and the knowledge to see that it can be avoided (or escaped from). My husband's at home situation was much different then mine, and it resulted in his brother looking for an escape and finding it in the wrong end of a rope...my husband opened the door on his 19th birthday to the coroner standing there to tell them that his brother had killed himself. The reason was because he couldn't get what he needed at home...others were pressuring him into things, and he got addicted to drugs. When he noticed he was addicted he went to his parents to get help, and the last thing my husband remember about his brother being alive was that conversation and his step mom hitting his brother over the head with her house shoe because she was mad at him....he left the house...and within two weeks was found dead. My husband was not raised with the value system that would have given them any basis for morality (he was not raised in a Christna home)...he was not raised by parents that showed them where restraint should be or where temptation would come or how to deal with it at those times. When they were faced with their own faults and were told by their son that he was addicted and needed help they then didn't have anything to stand on themselves and blamed him for everything.
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It's my opinion that you can't blame all rebellious kids on bad parenting!
just wanted to point out that I NEVER said that!!!! However, see my section above about setting up for success or failure in the way we choose to parent our kids NOW at a young and formidable age...how we choose NOW to teach them how to handle temptations and how to come back to God in their heart when they have strayed.
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Yes, my dh and I have "our" house. We pay all the bills. But, we've made an intentional decision that this will always be our kids "home". They will be welcome and loved here. If they choose to do stuff that we do not approve of, then we need to work that out. I'm talking about older kids here, teens and above.
again, the things that we have set as basics that won't change ever in our house are things that we personally feel convictions about or are things that affect our lives and may not affect your life. I am not saying everyone here needs to have these same rules, but they are what WE have in our house. Here is a breakdown on a few of them (our reasoning of these rules being in place for us).....
no dating....my husband was pushed into dating and told that it was everything. He had his first sexual encounter in his parents house with their "permission" and later found out that sex isn't all it's cracked up to be...it ties you in emotionally and spiritually. Unfortunately he didn't realize this until many women later, and finding Christ at the age of 28. So we will try our best to teach our kids in this area what his parents failed to teach him.
no drinking....again this one goes back to my hubby...he was given alcohol as a teen by his praents, and went through several years of partying with hard liquor and drugs because of what they allowed him to think about it all when he was younger. I personally didn't grow up with any alcohol around at all, so I am going back to his knowledge here on this one for our kids. (drugs falls into this too since his mom is the one that gave him drugs)
no smoking....I am highly allergic to it...one whiff just on the clothes of someone that smokes and my throat closes up and I can't talk. There is not going to be a time we will ever allow someone to smoke on our property...kid of ours or not...adult or not....even when our nephew lived here and smoked, he had to step out of the fence to do so...and he had to change and wash his hands when he came back inside.
no piercings (except girls and only in earlobes)....again, we live in the military life and this is a rule that is pushed by the bases we have been to. We will teach our kids that we may not want to follow the rules, but we will choose to whether we want to or not...including this one.
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Maybe that's what you all mean when you say, "not in my house". When I hear that phrase, I automatically get very defensive. Maybe others do, too?
yes that is exactly what I mean. It is a hill we are willing to fight on...and it is something we are willing to see through to the end on if it comes up with our kids in the future. I/we really don't care about hair dye, or make-up, or long hair on boys, or many other things that may be issues for others...the things we have chosen to make issues in our house have reasons behind them...either from the way we were raised (good or bad), or from our own experiences in life, or simply for our own way of life now.
Ms Peculiar,
Well, thank-you again for such a long and considered response; I guess it's certainly a privilege in forums such as this to receive contributions characterized by such variety and by perceived linkages of the topic with, though maybe obscure and not apparent to some readers, are yet obviously real in the mind of the writer. We do also need friendly reminders to keep on topic, but anyway I don't want to personalize the reminder too much.
Take care and God bless.
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