Reconciliation of marriage...changing of spouse's heart. (Full Version)

All Forums >> [Life] >> Marriage



Message

mbgb -> Reconciliation of marriage...changing of spouse's heart. (4/20/2008 9:52:04 PM)

Hi all,
You may know me from my other "Heading for Divorce..." thread. I just wanted to post the following because I hope I can remember it, and maybe help others. I am just now reconciled with my non-believing husband after 5 months of separation. All glory be to God and a helpful site called rejoiceministries.org. If anyone is having marriage issues, I highly recommend going to this site put on by a couple who went through a divorce and adultery but the wife held onto the promise God gave her on their wedding day and she prayed for her husband's return and he did after 2 years of her praying. Anyway, I suggest signing up for their daily emailed devotionals, they are truly a lifesaver and I still read them every single day, or at least save them for when I have time to catch up.

Anyway, on another note. My husband and I just came to our first "head" since I moved back in last week. The fight was very reminescant of the way things used to be when they were so bad. That feeling and those emotions, and actions still live in both of us. It is impossible to change without God. I feed his anger and he feeds mine. Today I was frustrated with him and knew what I would say would make him spew, and it did. We went 'round and 'round. I cried, he told me I was a child, and offered no help except for to berate me some more. All I can do is come in here and type and it just now hit me, a few hours after the fight. I am still trying to change my husband's heart. Only God can do that, and yes, I am dealing with a monster named satan. I want everyone to remember that. Satan wants my marriage. I hope I can just do God's will, but I also want to remind myself and anyone else who may be dealing iwth a similar issue that we cannot change our spouse's hearts. Only God can. We need to focus more than ever on Him and let Him heal our marriage. I am trying to focus on Him, and it gets hard when I stray.

I guess I just wanted to post as my own experience, so if anyone else relates, or feels lost, they can realize that they are not alone, and not only that, but there is hope. God bless.



2shaye -> RE: Reconciliation of marriage...changing of spouse's heart. (4/20/2008 10:34:18 PM)

I am praying that God will continue to heal your marriage and bring your husband to salvation!



relady -> RE: Reconciliation of marriage...changing of spouse's heart. (4/20/2008 10:42:28 PM)

Nothing would make us all happier than for your marriage to experience a miracle. However, I find it difficult to understand why you have put yourself back into an obviously abusive situation with a husband who apparently cares so little for you. Or am I missing something?



Hislittleone -> RE: Reconciliation of marriage...changing of spouse's heart. (4/21/2008 12:39:19 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: relady

Nothing would make us all happier than for your marriage to experience a miracle. However, I find it difficult to understand why you have put yourself back into an obviously abusive situation with a husband who apparently cares so little for you. Or am I missing something?



I agree. After reading this thread I went back and read all of the posts in your other thread. And I'm just wondering why you moved back in with your husband after such a short period of time? Maybe I'm missing something and he's actually shown you that he's a changed man. What changes did he make that would have you believing he will never hit you or verbally/emotionally abuse you again?
I've always heard it starts with a slap and escalates into worse and worse violence over time. I just hope you don't bring children into this marriage any time soon (think years). And I hope you don't live to regret this decision. [&o] Please take care of yourself.



mbgb -> RE: Reconciliation of marriage...changing of spouse's heart. (4/21/2008 10:14:17 AM)

I appreciate the concern, and it is well-founded. The best way I can describe our situation is that we are unequally yoked. I moved back in after speaking with God about it. It was time. And there are going to be all kinds of horrible circumstances like this to come. Rob won't lay another hand on me, I've been promised by God. I will have to put up with verbal abuse but it no longer is aimed at me. I give it all to God and realize the only way to make it stop is by not reacting to it. If you find UY sites, you will see they all go through these similar circumstances. We realize that it is not necessarily aimed towards us anymore, but spouting out from someone who is not of the Lord.

I don't know, if you think I am wrong, then you can say so. What does someone in my situation do? I have seen Rob completely change. I knew when we came to a head, old habits are hard to break, but his everyday treatment of me is a complete 180 from where we began. He knows he has to have patience constantly. I would LOVE for him to not say those words to me, but I know that is not a reality until he finds God. That's the only component missing from our marriage. Everything else is fine now.



relady -> RE: Reconciliation of marriage...changing of spouse's heart. (4/21/2008 10:41:20 AM)

quote:

Everything else is fine now.
Everything is not fine if he is verbally/emotionally abusing you. But staying or going is YOUR choice. If you feel like you can live with it, then nothing we can say will change your mind. I would not put up with it. In my experience, even when people "find God" they often do not change in the ways you are expecting. I simply could not live that way - in fact, I have, and have never regretted for one moment leaving the situation and the man. But that's just me.



mbgb -> RE: Reconciliation of marriage...changing of spouse's heart. (4/21/2008 12:28:29 PM)

You all have not offered me any advice, simply stated the obvious. Don't give me old information, tell me something new. Aren't there verses in the Bible about that? Don't go over and over stuff that is old news and bore me with your dribble. Do you not think deeper than that? Do you not think I struggle with the very issues you have all been telling me? How dare you try to pass that off as valid Christian advice full of refreshed minds as Paul asked us to have. What should I do? Get a divorce and go against God's will? None of you have read my entire post apparently. Because not one of you have said anything about the fact that God asked me to come back. Not one of you. I don't know why I waste time talking to people on this site. Some are helpful, but the majority of people tell me things that I already know that is worthless to me. This other site I go to is much more helpful than this one. It's targeted towards Unequally yolked couples. Like we don't regret everyday what we did. Like we don't beat our own selves up for it. We are just trying to make things right with God and what do we get from our own Christian brothers and sisters? More slack for living with our spouse whom God allowed us to marry. Do you not believe Rob is my promises spouse? It was not who God would have preferred me to but I did, so now what? If anyone can answer that question I will be open, otherwise, don't waste my time with your useless babble. Thanks. Love to youall, but you should re-evaluate. Thanks.



2shaye -> RE: Reconciliation of marriage...changing of spouse's heart. (4/21/2008 12:39:40 PM)

Wow mbgb. I've been reading your posts and have been blessed by what God is doing in your life. Then this post. I'm not sure where the anger is coming from, but please know that there is surely more than one person (me) praying for the complete restoration of your marriage!

Sorry if you feel this is useless babble and a waste of your time. I have no advice for you.



CheshireMuse -> RE: Reconciliation of marriage...changing of spouse's heart. (4/21/2008 12:42:32 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: mbgb

I appreciate the concern, and it is well-founded. The best way I can describe our situation is that we are unequally yoked. I moved back in after speaking with God about it. It was time. And there are going to be all kinds of horrible circumstances like this to come. Rob won't lay another hand on me, I've been promised by God. I will have to put up with verbal abuse but it no longer is aimed at me. I give it all to God and realize the only way to make it stop is by not reacting to it. If you find UY sites, you will see they all go through these similar circumstances. We realize that it is not necessarily aimed towards us anymore, but spouting out from someone who is not of the Lord.

I don't know, if you think I am wrong, then you can say so. What does someone in my situation do? I have seen Rob completely change. I knew when we came to a head, old habits are hard to break, but his everyday treatment of me is a complete 180 from where we began. He knows he has to have patience constantly. I would LOVE for him to not say those words to me, but I know that is not a reality until he finds God. That's the only component missing from our marriage. Everything else is fine now.

I have been following your story since it was first posted. I've been praying for you and your kids too.

While I would love to be able to rejoice with you unabashedly, I'm very worried at the same time. Has his attitude changed about your son's medicine? From what I read, this man had some serious issues - issues that threatened both you and your son's life.... and now he's completely changed in a mere 5 months?

Also, I find it very hard to believe that God would ask you to remain in a situation where you are verbally and emotionally abused by someone who is supposed to protect you. Yes, I'm a Christian, and yes, I believe that God can work miracles. However, common sense has to come into play at some point, don't you think?

Look, I'm all for reconciling marriages when they can be reconciled, but, I've seen some advice given in this forum that, quite frankly, will get someone killed. "Giving it to God" is a wonderful thing.... but, that doesn't include being an emotional garbage can or a punching bag for an abusive husband.

'Covenant marriage' is a term thrown around in here quite a bit, as well. I see people telling women they (basically) have no rights once the vows are said.... and if their husband ends up being a complete jerk, cheating on them, or hitting them, they have no right to pursue a divorce. Heck, I've even seen some tell a woman who has been cheated on and physically abused that she needs to pray and find out what SHE'S doing WRONG!!!

It makes me wonder if these people feel there is any accountability for men.

Yes, divorce is not good, but people, it's not a one-way ticket to Hell, either. And, I believe no woman should be encouraged to remain in or go back to a situation where she or her children have been abused, unless some very serious, very intense conseling/therapy/accountability has been established. To do so is irresponsible and cruel.

I will continue to pray for you and your precious children.... I pray that you are right and I am wrong.... and that everything will be good for you.

But, please, please don't think that it is ok for him to verbally or emotionally abuse you. You don't want your sons thinking that is the proper way to resolve conflict - or that its ok to treat women that way.

God bless you.....



CheshireMuse -> RE: Reconciliation of marriage...changing of spouse's heart. (4/21/2008 1:01:13 PM)

Just to qualify my above comments, I am an abuse survivor.

I know what its like to live in a home where you are 'ugly, stupid, worthless, lazy,' and beneath notice. I lived in hell for 10 years and took every bit of what he dished out. I went to church every time the doors were open, I prayed, cried, tried to be more submissive... I thought if I could be a better wife, a better mother, a better house-keeper, earn more money... maybe pray more....

When he beat our 6 year old son with a wire coat hanger, thats when I packed us up and left. You know what's funny? If he had confined his violence to me, I probably wouldn't have left him.... Thats how messed up my thinking was. I was convinced that I somehow deserved what I was getting....

Anyway, I took the children, divorced him, and I never went back, nor did I regret my decision.

Today, my kids are 20 and 18... they are happy, healthy, well-adjusted, devoted to God and their church.... I am remarried (gasp!) to a wonderful Christian man who attends church regularly with me, and is just as devoted to Jesus as I am. Neither of us feel any condemnation or conviction because of our marriage.

For the first time, I have a husband who loves me, respects me and treats me as his equal. I KNOW that God put us together..... and that He is not displeased with the love we have for one another.



mbgb -> RE: Reconciliation of marriage...changing of spouse's heart. (4/21/2008 1:51:07 PM)

Thanks everyone for answering more kindly this time. However, I don't know what you are talking about concerning my son, I don't have a son, nor do I have any children, so you must have me confused with someone else. Believe me, I'd LOVE to just split. I've been in a very loving, Christian, committed relationship before. That ended, and I put all of my faith in God to bring me to someone who He thought was appropriate, but I made my own choice as I got "older" and my friends got married, I'm sure you can relate, and sympathize. So yeah, I'll be the first to admit I screwed up. I wish I had that original love I had with that man so long ago, but he's married to someone else. He loved God tremendously and treated me like Gold. I took it all for granted. Now my own husband treats me far worse than any man I've ever dated. All because of desperation. So there it is black and white. Now what?

The worst part about that was that all of my non-Christian friends told me I wasn't really in love. They laughed at me. Now they all talk about me behind my back because they know this isn't going to work. More than anything that makes me want to make it work. Everyone is so quick to tell me when I screw up, but hardly anyone stops me before it's too late, they just talk about me behind my back and then say , "I told you so." When their nightmare comes true.

Rob hit me after I hit him a billion times. He hasn't hit me since. I hate that I even talk like this, as some crazy abused wife. I'm not a moron. I have a 120 IQ which is pretty intelligent, I made straight A's in school and was at the top of my class. I always said I'd never be in this situation, but circumstances and the devil tempt us with that which we want the most. I'm not some redneck that ends up this way, I'm just extremely frustrated and in a position that I don't necessarily want to be in and furthermore feel I have to be because God wants it. I don't want to end up on Maury Povich. If Rob ever lays one more hand on me I am out of that house. I'm so sick of people thinking I'm some single mom with 15 kids who is hard on her luck so she has to stay with an abusive husband and do drugs and have no teeth. No, I come from a good Christian home, my parents are saints, I am getting my Master's and make plenty of money. I have no kids because I'm smart and I use birth control. I'm no fool. Let's just get that first and foremost. So what would someone who's not a fool be doing sticking around in a dangerous situation, she wouldn't be. So I am not. Get it? I am not. The second Rob lays a hand on me I'm out. This is my own cross to bear. I'd just like to hear supporting words and words of encouragement, not words convincing a good Christian to divorce her husband. I am confused enough as it is. I have way too much wweighing on me keeping my head about me until I get my Master's so I don't really feel like going to counseling.



CheshireMuse -> RE: Reconciliation of marriage...changing of spouse's heart. (4/21/2008 2:39:20 PM)

My most sincere apologies, dear... I apparantly have confused portions of your situation with someone else.... forgive me.

I wish you all the best.... both of you.... and I will continue to keep you in my prayers....

:-)
quote:

ORIGINAL: mbgb

Thanks everyone for answering more kindly this time. However, I don't know what you are talking about concerning my son, I don't have a son, nor do I have any children, so you must have me confused with someone else. Believe me, I'd LOVE to just split. I've been in a very loving, Christian, committed relationship before. That ended, and I put all of my faith in God to bring me to someone who He thought was appropriate, but I made my own choice as I got "older" and my friends got married, I'm sure you can relate, and sympathize. So yeah, I'll be the first to admit I screwed up. I wish I had that original love I had with that man so long ago, but he's married to someone else. He loved God tremendously and treated me like Gold. I took it all for granted. Now my own husband treats me far worse than any man I've ever dated. All because of desperation. So there it is black and white. Now what?

The worst part about that was that all of my non-Christian friends told me I wasn't really in love. They laughed at me. Now they all talk about me behind my back because they know this isn't going to work. More than anything that makes me want to make it work. Everyone is so quick to tell me when I screw up, but hardly anyone stops me before it's too late, they just talk about me behind my back and then say , "I told you so." When their nightmare comes true.

Rob hit me after I hit him a billion times. He hasn't hit me since. I hate that I even talk like this, as some crazy abused wife. I'm not a moron. I have a 120 IQ which is pretty intelligent, I made straight A's in school and was at the top of my class. I always said I'd never be in this situation, but circumstances and the devil tempt us with that which we want the most. I'm not some redneck that ends up this way, I'm just extremely frustrated and in a position that I don't necessarily want to be in and furthermore feel I have to be because God wants it. I don't want to end up on Maury Povich. If Rob ever lays one more hand on me I am out of that house. I'm so sick of people thinking I'm some single mom with 15 kids who is hard on her luck so she has to stay with an abusive husband and do drugs and have no teeth. No, I come from a good Christian home, my parents are saints, I am getting my Master's and make plenty of money. I have no kids because I'm smart and I use birth control. I'm no fool. Let's just get that first and foremost. So what would someone who's not a fool be doing sticking around in a dangerous situation, she wouldn't be. So I am not. Get it? I am not. The second Rob lays a hand on me I'm out. This is my own cross to bear. I'd just like to hear supporting words and words of encouragement, not words convincing a good Christian to divorce her husband. I am confused enough as it is. I have way too much wweighing on me keeping my head about me until I get my Master's so I don't really feel like going to counseling.



nyst8ofmind -> RE: Reconciliation of marriage...changing of spouse's heart. (4/21/2008 3:32:06 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: mbgb

I don't know why I waste time talking to people on this site. Some are helpful, but the majority of people tell me things that I already know that is worthless to me.

If anyone can answer that question I will be open, otherwise, don't waste my time with your useless babble. Thanks. Love to youall, but you should re-evaluate. Thanks.


The spirit and tone of this is very unloving and unkind. This site does not claim to offer "counsel" per se. It's merely a community of believers who express/share their opinion and/or viewpoint on various subjects. As believers, we are encouraged by the Word of God to encouraged one another with the Word. So what "new" form of information did you want to be presentated to you. And you mention that God instructed you to return to your marriage/husband. He is the only one who can give you an "new" revelation as to what needs to be done to heal your marriage. You say what's been shared with you is worthless, again quite unloving and unChristlike to say that someones opinion/thoughts are worthless.

No on can tell you the strategy needed to heal/reconciled your marriage except the Lord. No one. Again, the Word tells us to encourage ourselves and one another in/with the Word; and that means that yes, people will tell you what you may have already learned but we still need to hear it - faith comes by hearing, and hearing by the Word of God. Your last comment is especially offensive - "don't waste your time". I don't think anyone who's responded to any of your posts appreciates that.

Your post is offensive, hostile and the undertone is filled with anger. No one here deserves that.



nyst8ofmind -> RE: Reconciliation of marriage...changing of spouse's heart. (4/21/2008 3:43:14 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: mbgb


I'm not some redneck that ends up this way, I'm just extremely frustrated and in a position that I don't necessarily want to be in and furthermore feel I have to be because God wants it. I don't want to end up on Maury Povich.

I'm so sick of people thinking I'm some single mom with 15 kids who is hard on her luck so she has to stay with an abusive husband and do drugs and have no teeth. No, I come from a good Christian home, my parents are saints, I am getting my Master's and make plenty of money. I have no kids because I'm smart and I use birth control. I'm no fool. Let's just get that first and foremost.

I have way too much wweighing on me keeping my head about me until I get my Master's so I don't really feel like going to counseling.


No one mentioned anything about you being a rednect or uneducated, so why are you mentioning this. You express frustrated because you're in a position that you don't want to be in but feel God is requiring for you to be in. Ok... I don't understand. Are you angry with God? Your first post said God told you to go back, but this comment sounds as if you resent being where you are.

I'm taken aback by I'm so sick of people thinking I'm some single mom with 15 kids who is hard on her luck so she has to stay with an abusive husband and do drugs and have no teeth. No, I come from a good Christian home, my parents are saints, I am getting my Master's and make plenty of money. I have no kids because I'm smart and I use birth control. I'm no fool. Let's just get that first and foremost. - where is all this hostility coming from? I haven't read all your posts but in reading this one I haven't read one post where you were referred to as lacking intelligence, or that you were on drugs and had not teeth.

While you don't feel like going to counsel, now my be the best time. It may be just the venue you need to speak with someone about all that's going on in your life right now. Spirit-led counseling should bring you more peace, which could only help matters (across the board).



Hislittleone -> RE: Reconciliation of marriage...changing of spouse's heart. (4/21/2008 5:28:58 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: mbgb

You all have not offered me any advice, simply stated the obvious. Don't give me old information, tell me something new. Aren't there verses in the Bible about that? Don't go over and over stuff that is old news and bore me with your dribble. Do you not think deeper than that? Do you not think I struggle with the very issues you have all been telling me? How dare you try to pass that off as valid Christian advice full of refreshed minds as Paul asked us to have. What should I do? Get a divorce and go against God's will? None of you have read my entire post apparently. Because not one of you have said anything about the fact that God asked me to come back. Not one of you. I don't know why I waste time talking to people on this site. Some are helpful, but the majority of people tell me things that I already know that is worthless to me. This other site I go to is much more helpful than this one. It's targeted towards Unequally yolked couples. Like we don't regret everyday what we did. Like we don't beat our own selves up for it. We are just trying to make things right with God and what do we get from our own Christian brothers and sisters? More slack for living with our spouse whom God allowed us to marry. Do you not believe Rob is my promises spouse? It was not who God would have preferred me to but I did, so now what? If anyone can answer that question I will be open, otherwise, don't waste my time with your useless babble. Thanks. Love to youall, but you should re-evaluate. Thanks.


Have I missed some (now) deleted posts or something that would illicite such a response?

And Muse, you must have been thinking of lostsomuch. Don't think she's a member here anymore.



linneymae -> RE: Reconciliation of marriage...changing of spouse's heart. (4/21/2008 9:15:25 PM)

Sis, I understand and feel your pain. I too am in a marriage that is unequally yoked..we started out born again...he strayed away..after the pressures of raising small children and working a fulltime job, he kept feelng like i was pushing him away. He always wanted attention at the wrong times..instead of trying to help me so i can prepare myself for him, he always needed to be 1st..he works the 2nd shift so it has saved us to a certain extent..but when weekends would come, we(myself and kids)would always feel a pit in our stomach because my husband is verbally abusive..he shouts and yells about anything and everything. he always rants about how people are envious of me because they wanted him. he hardly ever compliments me and always wants to be served..i really try soo hard..i'm crying just to think about it..i would always take down as the peace maker so the kids wouldnt be so nervous having him around..if they did anything wrong,he would yell..we love him but he's got deep issues and refuses to acknowledge anything he does wrong. he has a way of turning everything around to be my fault.....so finally one day, i met a young man who appreciated my thoughts...it wasnt long before we were intimate..i only wanted the emotional release..i nvr meant for this to happen and i'm so ashamed..my husband found out..he admitted also that he had an affair but that was my fault also..we are now separated for 3 yrs..we see each other on weekends..i doubt if we'll ever get back together again..theres too much hurt...but i know God is able if we're willing...please pray for my family i am praying for yours..



relady -> RE: Reconciliation of marriage...changing of spouse's heart. (4/21/2008 10:17:15 PM)

If you feel that God is telling you to stay with this man who is verbally and emotionally abusive, then by all means you should do so. I find that I have a very difficult time believing God would lead that way, but I'm not him, so....I'm not sure I know from your previous posts...have you considered counseling? For both of you or just for yourself? Maybe that would help smooth things out?



mbgb -> RE: Reconciliation of marriage...changing of spouse's heart. (4/22/2008 7:12:33 AM)

Hi everyone.
I was about to delete this thread. I know I sound bitter, I was in a very painful spot yesterday. But I hope you understand how far I've come, and how bitterness was a thing of the past for me for a while. I have grown so much during my husband's separation. And to answer someone's question about how you don't think He would want me subject to my husband's abuse, I see where you are coming from. And I guess you are all offering as Godly advice as you can, assuming you spoke with Him first before you replied. I also needed to vent so I appreciate everyone not banning me from this site or something.

After yesterday, I did realize a few things. And I ask that everyone remain patient with me, as you cannot imagine how frustrating my situation is. If you think that is selfish, then I just have to ignore that. I just want to ask if you know how bad I don't want to come home to someone who said those things to me? He apologized, but we go through the cycle. No one also knows what goes on in my own marriage except me and Rob. I cried because it all seemed so hopeless, and I AM miserable reliving these same things. I'm no fool, and I knew what I was getting into when I married a nonbeliever willingly, and rebelliously against our Lord's word. I'm no saint. But God has forgiven me and it is hard to do His will when I have distanced myself so far from Him on my own, not hard to do it, but hard to find it.

Anyway, last night,I was driving home from school, crying, because even though I knew Rob would be nice last night (part of the cycle), I just told God He cannot leave me. I said that He has to guide me and help me. My soul moaned for Him and He knew and responded. He knows He can quickly lift me out of this situation if it really wasn't meant to be and He would not allow me in an abusive situation when I was seeking His will. So I am gainfully and desperately clinging to His face right now. I'd rather cling to Him and lose Rob if that's what it takes. I didn't always feel that way, but now I realize I'll lose nothing at all by clinging to God instead of Rob. I'm willing because God's relationship with me is far better than Rob's. I'll keep you all posted, but that's where I stand right now. I have made God very small by fearing my lifestyle. He is bigger than that, and He loves me far too much to watch me suffer again, when He knows how sad and miserable I am. No more. No more. NO more.

Watch miracles happen over the next few days. My God is big, far bigger than any of our minds can comprehend. I do NOT deserve anything from Him, but His love will bring me through. Just watch, everyone. Just watch. Not one more foul word will be said to me. Not one. I will cling to His face and he will end this all somehow. Either I will be so wrapped up in God that Rob will want to leave me because he can't stand it, or he will want to see what keeps me so happy and will find God, or else God will just miraculously make my marriage one of safety and comfort. No more abuse for me. You all heard me, watch the miracle.

God bless you all. Talk to you soon.



TMeeks -> RE: Reconciliation of marriage...changing of spouse's heart. (4/22/2008 8:53:04 AM)

This is probably old information. But, it's good information. Just ask SkiGirl. [:D]

What you described is, I believe, the result of 2 things. The first is untransformed memories from the past and the second is not taking every thought captive as they come up in the present.

Memories from the past, be they from childhood or the struggles we've had in the past in our marriages will continue to come back as toxic ingredients in our lives until they are properly tranformed by the renewing of our minds in Christ. This is NOT an automatic process just because we have become a Christian since every memory must be dealt with individually. You, recognized this in your OP.

quote:

The fight was very reminescant of the way things used to be when they were so bad. That feeling and those emotions, and actions still live in both of us. It is impossible to change without God.


The emotions you describe come from 'fear' memories. By calling them 'fear' memories, I don't mean that you are afraid of someone. I mean that we fear being criticized, we fear not getting our way, we fear rejection, etc. When the memories are brought forward by today's event, not only does the memory of that past pop up; but, all of the emotions and physical 'gut' reactions pop up too.

While you were right in observing that you can't change your husband, the reason you were trying was, again, a 'fear' memory in that you feared if he did not agree with you something that you did or didn't want to happen would not turn out like you wished.

This is where the transformation of our thoughts comes in. We need to apply the Word of God to our thoughts to remove the toxic aspects of our memories and we need to do it in the right time and the right way. The Bible actually gives us the right time by telling us to take every thought captive. And, it gives us the right way, by taking on the Mind of Christ. But, it is not specific in why or how it works. And, it's helpful to know that. It's particularly helpful to have a tool that not only tells US how to do that; but, our spouses as well.

And, that is why I honestly feel that Dr. Leaf's DVD set that explains how our brains work, why toxic memories are toxic and how to apply the Word of God and FAITH thoughts to these toxic memories is a real Godsend to hurting families and individuals. In 40 years of reading Christian living materials I have not seen anything as practical or as useful.

If will give you and your husband a completely different frame of reference regarding each new conflict as it comes up... because both of you will be able to recognize how much the past, which should be well behind you, is playing in the current situation and deal with it appropriately. And, it will help you take NEW toxic thoughts captive BEFORE they becoma a part of your brain's permanent catalog of memories. In other words, it will allow you to sow the bad seed of the past, discard it and begin making sure new bad seed isn't being sown in the process.

There are others here that have read the book or watched the DVDs (I recommend the DVDs first and then having the book as reference) and I've not had one person say it was worthless. I have spent close to a $1,000 in copies that I've given away or loaned out. I believe it is that helpful. So, while I may have mentioned it to you in the past, it was worth coming back to you again in light of your new commitment to try to work things out.

P.S. Locally, I have found that non-Christians are really interested in this book as well as Christians. I have two co-workers, one Bhuddist and the other Jewish, who had difficult childhoods and they gladly took the book to read even though they are not Christian and they know the book IS Christian. People know that their past is holding them hostage; but, don't know how to escape. So, they are open to ANYTHING that promises help. The science in these materials so appealing to them that they will read it, even though it is not of their personal belief system. I've been very pleasantly surprised by this.



2shaye -> RE: Reconciliation of marriage...changing of spouse's heart. (4/22/2008 12:31:00 PM)

mbgb, you are a strong woman. I am praying for you today. I agree with TMeeks and encourage you to continue to take every thought captive. I believe with you that God will perform miracles in your life.



momma07 -> RE: Reconciliation of marriage...changing of spouse's heart. (4/23/2008 10:58:19 AM)

I know exaclty what you are going through. It doesn't make sense...how could someone with so much intelligence and smarts, tolerate such bad treatment? I asked myself that question soo many times. Especially, since I know my mom was physically abused as a wife by my father. I don't really have the answers for you to that one. I only know that in a way the cycle became "normal" . When my husband changed (after set backs and lapses) I began to be the one looking for the abusive behavior. It is very hard to break the cycle. I would deliberately say and do things to start his motor going. I had to realize that I was not used to being treated well. Sounds crazy, I know. I had to search and pray to God to change me and make me into the wife I was supposed to be. In doing that, I was bring out something better in my husband. I found myself avoiding saying certain things that I knew would upset him or take us to that "place" of chaos. I found too, that he began to avoid the conflict as well. I began to realize after awhile we feed off eachothers anger and rage. We created the hostile environment because is a way we didn't know any better. This was a 1st marriage for the both of us. So you ask what now? It's hard to say how to go about this, because one can never tell at what point in God's plan you are at. If God told you to go back, then good for you for obeying. I do agree with some of the posters when they say it is not God's will for you to be verbally abused or berated. On the other hand, it takes such an enormous amount of love and patience to continue to pray and seek God and stay with the person through what you go through (and trust me in addition to the verbal abuse I also suffered much more physical abuse than you). From my experience and what I see, there seems to be an enormous lack of respect that you each have for each other. I am sure that a lot of it has to do with things said and done during the relationship that have hurt the feelings and respect you had for each other. If I may suggest....don't run away from conflict, but don't run to it either. One mistake that I know my husband and I made was not learning how to argue (or rather) disagree correctly. Obviously you will never always agree, but its vitally important to always know what you are disagreeing about and keep the focus on that and not get personal. Proper communication is so important, which I know you already know. But it becomes even more apparent when you are constantly having these terrible arguments and ugly things are said, you are crying and then the next day its as if nothing happened, two days later you are right back where you started. it's a terrible roller coaster to be on. But as abuse victims we come to normalize that behavior, when in truth there is nothing normal or Godly about it. At this point since you made the choice to go back, stick with it as long as you feel the lord leading you. I honestly would say if you feel the conversation starting to turn ugly, walk away and come back to the subject when both of you are calm. Maybe you came in your husband's life to plant the seed of salvation but someone else is gonna water it and make it grow. You can't worry about what happens next as God has it in his hands. You can only stregthen your walk with God because you do not know what is around the bend. Please don't get discouraged and don't expect too much too fast, you have only been back together for such a short while. It's not surpising to hear you already had a fight. Give it time and stay encouraged. Remember the last 1/2 hour before your blessing is always the hardest.



gocartone -> RE: Reconciliation of marriage...changing of spouse's heart. (4/23/2008 6:15:34 PM)

mgbg, you and your marriage are in my prayers.



mbgb -> RE: Reconciliation of marriage...changing of spouse's heart. (4/25/2008 7:34:06 PM)

Thanks everyone! I just wanted to say I've been doing what I said earlier. I cling to God's face only. I know it will not be easy everyday, but when I can do it, I plan on it. God has been good to me too. We have had so much peace and understanding in this house, and it's true and not fake. We all know when to tell something is true. After that last fight I posted, I talked to Rob and said he had no right to say the things he did. He said he knew what he said was not how he feels and he wants to be my friend and husband. All I can do is just cling to God, and that's what I will do. I'll try to keep you all posted. It's not an easy road, but I cannot put my Father in Heaven in a box and expect Him to work things out as I would. No, he's bigger than that, and I have got to remember that, and watch Him work His wonderful miracles in my life. Not another foul word has been spoken, and I am feeling respect coming from Rob.

Thanks for the prayers and I will keep praying, try to remain the wife God wants me to be, and try to cling to God's face. That's all I can do. God bless you all!



dradynsmom -> RE: Reconciliation of marriage...changing of spouse's heart. (4/26/2008 6:45:36 PM)

Honey I have no advice to offer; however, I just wanted to encourage you by saying that I will be praying for you and your husband.



mbgb -> RE: Reconciliation of marriage...changing of spouse's heart. (4/27/2008 7:30:21 PM)

Hey guys.
Just checking in. Things are still going well for Rob and I. He says he falls more and more in love with me everyday and I believe him. God is working in our marriage. I am trying very hard to submit and be the kind of wife the Lord wants. It seems to be working. I love our Father in Heaven more than anything, and He will not let His children stray too far. Praise God always!!!!



Page: [1]



Forum Software © ASPPlayground.NET Advanced Edition 2.5 ANSI