Short-lived marriages (Full Version)

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RichLP -> Short-lived marriages (4/21/2008 12:16:52 AM)

I was hesitant to write this here, but I'm going to take a risk.

Some of you have been divorced (and re-married). Some of you have had siblings or close friends who have been divorced.

Have you folks seen "short-term" marriages? Those that last less than 1 year?

What were the reasons for such short-lived unions? What did you (or your friends/relatives) learn from this? What warnings can you proffer to a single man whose greatest marital nightmare (if he ever marries) is... divorce?



fist.sensei -> RE: Short-lived marriages (4/21/2008 1:04:20 AM)

I've seen a few short-lived marriages. Honestly, the relationships are beyond repair before the vows are even exchanged. Selfish natures, lack of communication, incompatible lifestyles... all attribute to such divorces.

If you know my posts you know that I'm divorced and about to get remarried. There isn't really any sage advice for you, besides for "use common sense" and don't compromise. If it seems like it isn't working it probably isn't. If you have to say "well that bothers me but I'll overlook it", it is time to look ahead. My wife-to-be and I work so well together that one of our friends said we "flowed like water".

I guess everything sort of clicks together, and things just flow. To extend the water metaphor, if you are having to fight to stay afloat before you even hit the rapids of marriage, it's time to go ashore and try again. And even in the rapids you should strengthen each other, not tear each other apart.



Hislittleone -> RE: Short-lived marriages (4/21/2008 1:08:25 AM)

quote:

Have you folks seen "short-term" marriages? Those that last less than 1 year?


BTDT twice. Married and it lasted less than 1 year (well, we were separated and headed for divorce in less than a year). Remarried and same thing happened. Husbands initiated divorce.....I did not want it and was willing to work things out but they were not. Of course, now I have remarried my first husband (4.5 years and counting [:D]) so everything has worked out for the good.

What were the reasons that the marriages didn't work out? Well my first husband was an alcoholic, abusive (emotionally & physically), neglectful, betrayed me by looking at porn, had anger issues and just didn't want to invest himself in being a husband and father. Ultimately it came down to extreme selfishness. He wanted to live his life without the "burden" of a wife and child. In the second marriage, my (x)husband was into porn, allowed his parents to butt into our relationship where they had no business going, we started fighting a lot and went to counseling but he wouldn't do as the counselor advised him to do and ended up taking the easy way out (divorce). I was never a perfect wife but I was willing to work on the marriage (in both instances). But like I said, everthing has worked out for the best since my first husband and I remarried. He is a completely different man now. PTL!

Hope that helps to answer your questions a little. Oh, and each time I decided to get married I was not following God but was living in rebellion. So I'm sure that played in things. [&o] Actually, that isn't quite true. When I remarried my first husband I did so because I believed it was the right thing to do. I believed it was God's will and that it would be the best decision for our son. My walk with God wasn't right at that time but I still made the right choice (to follow Him regardless of my feelings/fears) and ever since then my relationship with Him has grown stronger and stronger.

The very best advice I could give you is to make sure you are mature in your walk with Christ. Taking on the responsibility of having a wife is a huge deal as you are commanded to love her as Christ loves the Church. Think about His love for us and how big, how selfless it is. Are you ready to live that out in marriage? If so then I think you will very likely have a very happy union. Also, be wise in who you choose for a mate.



RichLP -> RE: Short-lived marriages (4/21/2008 1:35:09 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: fist.sensei
I've seen a few short-lived marriages. Honestly, the relationships are beyond repair before the vows are even exchanged. Selfish natures, lack of communication, incompatible lifestyles... all attribute to such divorces.

If you know my posts you know that I'm divorced and about to get remarried. There isn't really any sage advice for you, besides for "use common sense" and don't compromise. If it seems like it isn't working it probably isn't. If you have to say "well that bothers me but I'll overlook it", it is time to look ahead. My wife-to-be and I work so well together that one of our friends said we "flowed like water".

I guess everything sort of clicks together, and things just flow. To extend the water metaphor, if you are having to fight to stay afloat before you even hit the rapids of marriage, it's time to go ashore and try again. And even in the rapids you should strengthen each other, not tear each other apart.


Thanks. I agree that the "well that bothers me but I'll overlook it" is a red flag. I will say that in dating and courtship, these things MAY be worked out IF both parties are open to communication. We all have our pet peeves and our peculiarities, and if 90% is positive, then I'd say it can still work out. But I'm a single who's never been married and only recently did I return full-force to the dating scene.

Best wishes on your marriage!



RichLP -> RE: Short-lived marriages (4/21/2008 1:37:19 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Hislittleone
Are you ready to live that out in marriage? If so then I think you will very likely have a very happy union. Also, be wise in who you choose for a mate.


HIslittleone, your story is... wow.

I'm glad you are remarried and that things are going well.

You're right; one needs to love. But what you said last - "be very wise in who you choose for a mate" - stuck out. It's such common sense yet so many seem to fail here.

As I just told fist.sensei, I've recently returned to the dating scene. I'd tell you guys more but it's too early.

In any case, thanks for sharing and best wishes...!



lastblast -> RE: Short-lived marriages (4/21/2008 8:40:23 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: RichLP

We all have our pet peeves and our peculiarities, and if 90% is positive, then I'd say it can still work out. But I'm a single who's never been married and only recently did I return full-force to the dating scene.


Rich, first and foremost, you need to find a girl who views marriage as you do (and I don't know how you view marriage). If you believe God joins first marriages for life, then find a girl who also believes this---STRONGLY. Secondly, do not take to yourself another person's spouse (divorced, as Jesus tells us this is adultery(Mt. 5:32, 19:9, Lk. 16:18) or you will be a stumbling block in the Lord's eyes for any type of marriage reconciliation to occur. Thirdly, realize that whoever you marry is NOT perfect and WILL sin---maybe some very BIG sins, but that you are called to LOVE her as Christ loves His church.

It's good you view marriage as very serious. You are having the same feelings the disciples did when Jesus spoke to them (Mt. 19:10).............and the same ones my husband[8D][8D] had 20 years ago. May the Lord lead you to the perfect wife for YOU..........the wife who God will use to make you more into the image of Jesus (and many wrongly think that their spouse should be one who "gels" with them). Many times God will bring one in your life who will cause you to grow. Some when this "growth" period comes around, flee, believing they are not supposed to deal with it. Unfortunately, that is why our divorce rate is so high today. People do not want to suffer/endure/stand faithful in bad times. Choose a girl who WILL desire to do this because she loves JESUS more than she loves herself. Blessings............



buckifn -> RE: Short-lived marriages (4/21/2008 8:59:24 AM)

cheating is the number 1 cause of divorce in cases I know of personally. I believe that it goes deeper than that though.... I would say the most important things to consider first are 1. Are you both being led by God and are you currently honoring Him first in your life....and 2. Are you on the same page spiritually?

If those 2 things are in order I believe with the help of the Holy Spirit you both will have a marriage as God intended.



iwillfearnoevil -> RE: Short-lived marriages (4/21/2008 9:50:32 AM)

i believe lastblast's minority opinion should be confined to the onestop remarriage thread and most believers consider a few allowable remarriage conditions such as adultery & abondonment - Jesus even stated so himself.

i agree with buckifn that there are usually deeper problems as divorce isn't the most common response to infidelity.

RichLP, i think it's good you are considering your fear now so you can begin to work through it. people do have free will so there are no guarantees but certainly a lot can be done to help ensure a long lasting marriage.



Kath -> RE: Short-lived marriages (4/21/2008 9:57:45 AM)

quote:

What were the reasons for such short-lived unions? What did you (or your friends/relatives) learn from this? What warnings can you proffer to a single man whose greatest marital nightmare (if he ever marries) is... divorce?


Lets make sure we stick to the OP and not get sidetracked with topics that belong in the one stop. Thanks!

Sincerely
Kath

Please do not comment on this action in the community or send me a PM about it. If you have questions, comments or concerns please email Fritz at community@salemwebnetwork.com allowing time for a reply. Thanks!



lastblast -> RE: Short-lived marriages (4/21/2008 7:43:47 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: buckifn

cheating is the number 1 cause of divorce in cases I know of personally.


Actually, if you do some research you will find that fights over money is the #1 reason for most divorces today..........then lack of communication and lack of interest in the family. MANY people get over infidelity and end up with even better marriages after they overcome the hurts and grow through it.

The underlying reason for MOST all divorces is selfishness. If we can learn to put self aside many times and not demand our way, we would not have the broken marriages/families in this society that we now have. So Rich, don't be selfish, k?[;)][:D]



Dakotasunbeam -> RE: Short-lived marriages (4/22/2008 12:03:10 AM)

Rich,

If you want to be absolutely sure about NEVER getting a divorce, then do not get married. Many people marry with NO intention to divorce, yet their spouses divorce them. They are then faced with the hard choice of keeping their vow to God or forsaking that to spend time with a new long-term love interest that the "state" may deem as a "new spouse." The only thing that you can resolve to do, is NEVER divorce yourself. Your reasons for not divorcing have to be pretty good, and based on something pretty concrete, or else time and life will bend you.

I knew of a relative who married and the marriage was such a disaster, that they actually had to wait 3 months before they could get a divorce, because the law in their state was that they had to have been married at least 1 year before a divorce could be filed. It was such a disaster. That is the only 1yr or less horror story I know. At the time, it was such a impractical marriage that I was glad that relative was getting a divorce. Now I just hang my head in shame, because I didn't know any better about making vows, covenants to God, and what the Bible said on marriage. [&o] I'm still repenting for stuff and advice I gave before actually studying it in the word for myself. The Bible says to study to show yourself approved. So that' is what I would suggest, is for you to study the Bible on what it says. And make sure the gal you marry is in agreement with you.

From what I understand, if you can keep a committment to God, you can keep a committment to anyone.

So yeah, that's the horror story I know of. The marriage lasted less than a year and they were miserable together.

So I guess the term choose wisely would be appropriate here.[8D]



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