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RE: Mr. Sadman here... - 4/22/2008 6:11:29 PM
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imageoftheinvisible
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These are good suggestions. It sounds as though you need to try different approaches because your wife seems to be keeping you at a distance. I don't want to come across as though you haven't tried many different things; however, at the same time I have no clue what you have tried, what didn't work, etc. I think the point is that you have to be creative and try to get in tune with what your wife enjoys or more importantly what speaks to her heart. If you try and she is not receptive, be flexible and try something else, make another suggestion, etc.
Ask for your wife's feedback so you can learn when you are hot and when you are cold in regards to what speaks to her heart.
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RE: Mr. Sadman here... - 4/22/2008 7:26:42 PM
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Liveloved
Posts: 1072
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quote:
Last week, I told her she was beautiful. She scowled and said I embarrass her when I say things like that. We were alone in our house... I dont get it.
Mr. Sadman,
This quote says it all IMO. This tells us how your wife sees herself. Not as someone beautiful. Not as someone deserving of beauty. Not as someone deserving of someone noticing her. In her own eyes she is a nothing, worthless. . .probably less than worthless.
I say these things because, although to a lesser degree and without having been abused, I lived with this self perception. She is trapped in satan's stronghold and needs freedom! But apart from Christ, she will not ever be free. Does she profess to know Jesus as her Lord and Savior?
If not, pray for her salvation and ask your pastor, church family and those here to pray for her salvation. If you think she is saved, then pray for her to be set free from this stronghold. Beth Moore's book, Breaking Free, is a good one. You might buy it and leave it somewhere around the house where she might see it and be drawn to it.
It does not sound as if this problem is about you at all. It is about her. She is a hurting woman who desperately needs Jesus to fill the emptiness within and reveal her beauty to her. I pray she finds this. Only then will she have anything to give. She must have love to give it. She is empty. I am indeed sorry. God loves her and longs for her to know how loved she is. And He loves you as well.
Get on your knees and pray for your wife. Prayer is the only way she will find the freedom she needs. Bless ya, LL 
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RE: Mr. Sadman here... - 4/22/2008 10:49:50 PM
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UBarW
Posts: 40
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quote:
ORIGINAL: imageoftheinvisible
These are good suggestions. It sounds as though you need to try different approaches because your wife seems to be keeping you at a distance. I don't want to come across as though you haven't tried many different things; however, at the same time I have no clue what you have tried, what didn't work, etc. I think the point is that you have to be creative and try to get in tune with what your wife enjoys or more importantly what speaks to her heart. If you try and she is not receptive, be flexible and try something else, make another suggestion, etc.
Ask for your wife's feedback so you can learn when you are hot and when you are cold in regards to what speaks to her heart.
Good thoughts, thank you... I continue to try. I havent given up, even when I have had my share of nights where I have a tear in my eye as I head down the hall to go to bed alone.
I am a graphics person professionally. Today I created a dozen digital roses to email to her at work. The plan was to have it arrive right before a tough meeting. Dont know if it will mean much to her, but I did it just the same...
I hope its not verbotten to put links in... http://i264.photobucket.com/albums/ii192/kokekid/Wentlands_1.jpg She is so very beautiful, with my eyes open, and closed...
She knows the Lord, although I wish she would attend church more with me. I believe the more you study, the more you worship, the more you hear God's word.
Thank you all for your support.
_____________________________
Do not withhold good from those who deserve it, when it is in your power to act
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RE: Mr. Sadman here... - 4/22/2008 11:34:12 PM
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tbrobinson
Posts: 271
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From: MIAMI Florida
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Brother I empathize with you. You have a convergence of alot of factors. There is alot of good advice here, but at this point, you need someone to help open the conversation up. That would be a good christian counselor. Date nite, etc. all deal with the symptoms and not the issues, and you / she need to be getting things discussed in an open non threatening venue.
I understand abuse, understand menopause, understand stupid husbands (I qualify frequently), but there is something deeper there that needs to be dealt with.
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RE: Mr. Sadman here... - 4/23/2008 12:27:49 PM
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Memaw.
Posts: 2809
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From: Sunflower State
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quote:
but there is something deeper there that needs to be dealt with
Absolutely agree with this.
_____________________________
~Kimmie
When you go through menopause they don't tell you what you are becoming. I think I'm becoming my Dad.
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RE: Mr. Sadman here... - 4/24/2008 12:52:41 PM
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Memaw.
Posts: 2809
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From: Sunflower State
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Have we lost the OP?
_____________________________
~Kimmie
When you go through menopause they don't tell you what you are becoming. I think I'm becoming my Dad.
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RE: Mr. Sadman here... - 4/24/2008 4:36:53 PM
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UBarW
Posts: 40
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no, just spending a couple of days praying on the answer. I have tried talking so many ways and so many times, that it just stirs things up...
thank you all for your help... I have lots to think about. I will let you know it there are any breakthroughs.
I am thinking of sending her on a private weekend to a bed and breakfast on the oregon coast to recharge her batteries. Maybe it might open a door.
Blessings.
_____________________________
Do not withhold good from those who deserve it, when it is in your power to act
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RE: Mr. Sadman here... - 4/24/2008 7:31:54 PM
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Memaw.
Posts: 2809
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From: Sunflower State
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Is a weekend away something she has been asking for or is this your idea?
_____________________________
~Kimmie
When you go through menopause they don't tell you what you are becoming. I think I'm becoming my Dad.
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RE: Mr. Sadman here... - 4/24/2008 9:12:21 PM
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iwillfearnoevil
Posts: 2356
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From: upstate NY
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why not go with her?
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RE: Mr. Sadman here... - 4/24/2008 9:36:52 PM
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UBarW
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quote:
ORIGINAL: Memaw.
Is a weekend away something she has been asking for or is this your idea?
She did it a couple years ago, and had a good time. I think she is due...
I would love to go, but I want her to have some time to think without my interference.
_____________________________
Do not withhold good from those who deserve it, when it is in your power to act
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RE: Mr. Sadman here... - 4/25/2008 1:33:56 AM
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UBarW
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Feeling a bit low tonite, so I am spending some time cruising through this great website, looking for reasons to be positive about change on the way...
I went out a bit ago, and sat on the back deck with my dogs whilst they "got ready for bed". We have a house on a river, within a dozen feet. We are in town, so the streetlight across River Road is reflecting on the slow water below me. I could see the resident ducks and geese asleep on the far bank. It was beautiful...
I used that time to say my prayer for movement to the center of God's will.
When I came back in, I found this (clipping something from this website isnt a TOS8 violation, is it?)
Get a new perspective: In our book, Every Marriage is a Fixer Upper, we interviewed couples who have been happily marred over 20 years. What did we find differentiates these couples from others? These couples make a deliberate choice: Instead of looking at all the things that are wrong and frustrating about their mates and life after 40, they instead opt to look at all the things they love and would miss if their mates were no longer around.
I honestly dont know if Patti looks at me this way or not. I want to find a way to ask... to suggest this perspective for both of us... I try, but I am not always successful. I have to try harder. I have to lead the way.
good night to you all...
_____________________________
Do not withhold good from those who deserve it, when it is in your power to act
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RE: Mr. Sadman here... - 4/25/2008 8:24:45 AM
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iwillfearnoevil
Posts: 2356
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From: upstate NY
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ubarw - still following your thread. i realize it's not an easy path you walk. i wonder if another approach is to focus on yourself some and making yourself more fun to be around? what if you started doing things like going to a museum or a play or something, invite her along too of course, maybe she'll come, maybe she won't, but she will see you living life and not just as mr sadman. i know this doesn't make sense, but maybe she has lost some respect because she feels your while life revolves around her. i realize you said you go biking now and then for yourself but she might not find that appealing. just throwing this out there - not sure there is any merit in it except for the fact that it might make you appear more attractive.
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RE: Mr. Sadman here... - 4/25/2008 8:35:42 AM
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imageoftheinvisible
Posts: 16
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Its good to hear that you have quiet time with a great place to sit and pray. God is using you to love your wife and minister to her heart. It is like you are a missionary in a foreign land. Every missionary faces the dilemma that the people will reject their message. You are in a similar position. Allow God to change the things in your life that may stand in the way.
I will pray that God will bless you and provide you comfort, peace, and understanding as you continue to be used by Him to love your wife and minister to her heart.
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RE: Mr. Sadman here... - 4/25/2008 9:16:37 AM
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Memaw.
Posts: 2809
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From: Sunflower State
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You mentioned you have a son, how does she respond to him?
Is she an involved mother? Do you have more than one child?
_____________________________
~Kimmie
When you go through menopause they don't tell you what you are becoming. I think I'm becoming my Dad.
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RE: Mr. Sadman here... - 4/25/2008 11:13:43 AM
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UBarW
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I have two sons, one 22 who is still at home, and one that turns 16 this weekend.
She interacts with them pretty much the same way as with me.
_____________________________
Do not withhold good from those who deserve it, when it is in your power to act
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RE: Mr. Sadman here... - 4/25/2008 11:58:53 AM
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Memaw.
Posts: 2809
Joined: 1/29/2007
From: Sunflower State
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Have you spoken to her about counseling?
The weekend away sounds very nice, but it isn't addressing the issue of why she is emotionally "barren".
Have you ever just told her how you feel? I mean really sat her down and opened up to her like you are here? Are you close with any of her family? Is she close to any of her family? Does she have any friends that she confides in?
I know that's a lot of questions, but there is something that has caused her to act this way and until it is uncovered and dealt with, I don't think she is able to move forward and that means your marriage isn't able to move forward.
I suffered a debilitating mental collapse some years ago, brought on by grief, and I also isolated myself from my family as she is doing.
What I am reading from you could have been written by my husband.
Please get her to seek help.
_____________________________
~Kimmie
When you go through menopause they don't tell you what you are becoming. I think I'm becoming my Dad.
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RE: Mr. Sadman here... - 4/25/2008 12:12:22 PM
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UBarW
Posts: 40
Joined: 4/15/2008
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Oh boy have i told her how i feel. I have been on my knees and in tears. Several times.
Its to the point that I dont know how else to bring it up. When I do, I get "why do you keep telling me whats wrong with me". I told her once "I see so much beauty, it seems a shame to waste what I feel for you". Her response was "oh, so I am a waste, huh?" How do you answer that?
I keep hoping the right words will come to me...
_____________________________
Do not withhold good from those who deserve it, when it is in your power to act
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RE: Mr. Sadman here... - 4/25/2008 12:31:51 PM
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Memaw.
Posts: 2809
Joined: 1/29/2007
From: Sunflower State
Status: offline
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quote:
Her response was "oh, so I am a waste, huh?" How do you answer that?
She feels she is a waste.
Oh boy can I relate to how she is responding.
Sometimes a person has this "I know you are going to eventually leave me, so go ahead...I'll give you reason" mentality going on, it's hard to describe, but I hope you get the picture.
I know you are doing all you know to do.
She has a huge wall built around her and though this wall keeps you (and others out) keep in mind it also has her locked in.
Keep reminding her how much you love her, keep showing her through prayer and support the love you have for her.
I know it's hard and I know you are going to feel like giving up, but I also know God will give you the strength and the words needed to reach her.
_____________________________
~Kimmie
When you go through menopause they don't tell you what you are becoming. I think I'm becoming my Dad.
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RE: Mr. Sadman here... - 4/26/2008 2:31:04 PM
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scottmcc1
Posts: 67
Joined: 4/11/2008
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Here is a thought, it may be worth something it may not.
You mentioned that you had a lot of debt. Could working toward a common goal that was not focused on her or you do some good?
Working together to get out of debt. Dave Ramsey seems to make a lot of sense from what I hear on the radio. Link below.
http://www.daveramsey.com/fpu/home/
The joy of freeing yourselves from debt and working together to accomplish the goal may help her not focus on her problem. If nothing else you will be better off financially.
Another idea would be to volunteer together to help others. This may free something in your spirits. Isa 58:6-14 talks of the fast of helping the poor and how it brings freshness from God.
God bless and I am praying for you.
_____________________________
(My Bible study web page)
http://www.freewebs.com/wftr/index.htm
(comments on nature)
http://www.verde33.blogspot.com
Thoughts on my Christan walk
http://www.verde34.blogspot.com
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RE: Mr. Sadman here... - 4/27/2008 2:05:41 AM
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iwillfearnoevil
Posts: 2356
Joined: 11/6/2007
From: upstate NY
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dave ramsey is awesome for financial stuff tho this is sure to bring out the haters. he teaches from a Christian focus. i do believe that following his "plan" could help her feel more financially secure at least.
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a nice treat yesterday... - 4/28/2008 11:07:03 AM
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UBarW
Posts: 40
Joined: 4/15/2008
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We were doing some yard work yesterday. She came to me and gave me a hug.
I just melted into her, and kissed her head. It felt wonderful...
_____________________________
Do not withhold good from those who deserve it, when it is in your power to act
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RE: a nice treat yesterday... - 4/28/2008 12:02:56 PM
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Memaw.
Posts: 2809
Joined: 1/29/2007
From: Sunflower State
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quote:
ORIGINAL: UBarW
We were doing some yard work yesterday. She came to me and gave me a hug.
I just melted into her, and kissed her head. It felt wonderful...
To God be the glory!
_____________________________
~Kimmie
When you go through menopause they don't tell you what you are becoming. I think I'm becoming my Dad.
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