i don't love my husband

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carriebear -> i don't love my husband (4/21/2008 12:09:40 PM)
I don't know what to do because I don't love my husband. I don't know if I ever did. I think I got married because I liked the idea of being married and he was there and available and willing. Now, 5 years later, I am miserable. We do not have sex -Ever- maybe 10 times in 5 years. I am not physically attracted to him. His personality and mine do not line up at all. I cannot realte to him. I was a christian before we were married and he was not. Since then, he has become a christian, but his christian spirit does not show. He follows the steps, but there is no passion. He is a very pragmatic, efficient, and has no patience for people who are slower than him. He's the kind of peosen that has no emotion and makes fun of people who do. I do not care to express myself in front of him because he will make me feel stupid for being emotional (passionate) about God. I hate it when he prays. It just doesn't sound sincere. Maybe it is, but it just feels so empty. I know I am mentioning feelings a lot here. I do not think that life is all about how I feel, but at the same time, God did give us emotions. We do not have children and I do not want any with him. He has a daughter that I have raised since marriage, and I do not like the way he father's her. We do not have much time to spend together, outside of caring for his daughter who has a learning disability and is also a liar and very manipulative. I know that I sound extremely negative. I started tis marriage out being positive. But I feel like I have given so much and I am tired. I don't know what to do. I will not get divorced, becasue I know it's not God's plan for me. But, how am I supposed to have a good marriage when I am married to someone I don't connect with on an emotional, spititual, or physical level?

Galilee -> RE: i don't love my husband (4/21/2008 12:28:58 PM)
This is probably going to sound harsh. You say you feel you have given so much. It sounds tome like you packed in in a long time ago. You say you have had sex 10 times in 5 years. Is that your idea, his idea, or a mutual, agreed upon setup? You say he became a Christian, and yet you "hate it when he prays." This is uncalled for. You, as the more mature (at least in time as a Christian goes) should be encouraging him in his walk, not telling him you think he's doing it wrong. And to say he doesn't sound sincere is rubbish. You can be as sincere as possible and still be wrong. You say you do not like the way he father's his daughter. As a father of 3, I will ask how many children have you fathered? Do you like anything about him? I will say this, if my wife beat me up all the time saying she didn't like anything I did, didn't ever want to have sex (if that's your idea), and told me I was a bad parent, I would become passionless, too. I would shut down around you pretty quickly. If everything I did was told is was wrong, I would stop doing anything at all, just about. Why not try encouraging him?

csl7037 -> RE: i don't love my husband (4/21/2008 12:50:07 PM)
For whatever reason, you entered into a covenant five years ago and part of that was a vow to love him - not to feel lovey dovey but to just do it. But you know that. Galilee made some good points, and I'm sure others will as well, but the bottom line here is that you're not responsible for what kind of husband he is. You're only responsible for what kind of wife you are. You can't stand before God with your problems, or even come before other Christians, until you've gotten into the Word to see what it is that God has told you that you need to be doing as a wife. When you're doing your best to do all of those things, then you can talk to God about what your dh is or isn't doing. But I promise you that if you worry more about what you're supposed to worry about a lot of the other things will look different and be different.

carriebear -> RE: i don't love my husband (4/21/2008 12:57:26 PM)
Yes, this does sound harsh. I know that I'm not perfect, that's why I'm asking for help. Let me give more details, and then maybe you will understand. My husband is verbally abusive. He has no respect for the feelings of ohetrs. He yells in front of me and his daugher. He slams doors and pouts like a 3 year old. I have raised his daugher from a previous marriage and she s a difficult child. Still I love her and i care for them by never raising my voice, praying for them and providing them with as much support as I can possibly give. I do not nag as you have suggested.. I have shared these thoughts with him and he is always too busy to care. He does not do things for me the way I do things for him. I have given up a lot to take care of his daughter ( i did not know I was going to be a full time stepmom until a few weeks after our marriage and biomom left the picture completely). It is my idea to not have sex. That is because he doesn't listen to me when I tell him my needs. He just does things they way he wants. He honestly acts like he doesn't care. He would rather play video games. He makes fun of everyone. He doesn't take anything seroiusly. I have not fathered 3 children. Have you ever been a full-time stepmom to a child with a learning a disability? I have not given up completely- I am just stuck and I need direction. I am not in love with him and I need help, not a lecture.

carriebear -> RE: i don't love my husband (4/21/2008 1:03:23 PM)
Thank you. I guess what I need to ask for is energy! If he is not fulfilling my needs, I need to rely on God to do that? I give so much to our family and I am very tired. They do not love me. They just take and take. I am trying to be in love wtih him, but the feelings just aren't there. I guess it is my fault for getting involved with someone that I was not in love with from the start. I was just wondering if any of you are in a similar situatiion? Since I've nver been in love with him, is it possible that I will ever be? I am trying- the problem is that I'm tired and I don't know which direction to go in. I'm mostly confused and tired. Thanks for you help- it is appreciated!

carriebear -> RE: i don't love my husband (4/21/2008 1:10:26 PM)
Galilee- all I do is encourage him. When I talk with him about the way I feel, it is always from a positive stand point- as in I am trying to help him. He comes to me for help and I always try to give him the best advice I can. He does yell at his daughter. I try to stop this- not by being mean, just by giving him alternatives. He doesn't really listen, and continues to do things his way. I give up and then try again. I mostly give up when I am tired, which is a lot. I do hate it when he prays. I do not tell him this. I do encourage him to pray and read the bible. I feel inside that he is not sincere. Like he is just going through the motions. He was a passionless person before we were married, so I am pretty sure that I am not the cause of this. He is a hard worker and I do like that about him.

keepingfaith -> RE: i don't love my husband (4/21/2008 1:45:06 PM)
I'm sorry for what you are experiencing. I would encourage you to seek the Lord and really dig into His Word. I cannot give advice without knowing whether you are in a covenant marriage or not. You mentioned his first wife... if neither of them was married before- they would be in a covenant that is binding until death according to scripture. I would seek the Lord for wisdom and discernment about your situation. There are many false teachings today on remarriage... so I would seek the truth for yourself. God's Word is truth and only He can be trusted. He will direct you. God Bless you

tiffywal -> RE: i don't love my husband (4/21/2008 1:50:40 PM)
all i can say is seek God for answers. You can also talk with your pastor at church.

deermousie -> RE: i don't love my husband (4/21/2008 1:54:05 PM)
Bless your heart, Carriebear. This is tough. First of all, I'd keep close to God: stay in the Word on a daily basis, and pour out your heart to Him (which it sounds like you're already doing). Keep asking God to give your husband the 2x4-upside-the-head treatment, as he doesn't sound like the husband Scripture calls men to be. It may come slowly, fast, or not at all. Keep anchored in Christ because He is perfect and doesn't change. As for the manipulative family, I'd recommend good Christian counseling (have you discussed this with your pastor?). The book "Boundries" could be a wealth of information for you in dealing with the kid. You can take control and make that a more pleasant situation with the tools that book will give you. Keep in mind the kid lost her mother somehow and is likely broken and scared (scared people try to make themselves feel better sometimes by being controlling. It's panic combined with sin nature). God bless you, dear heart, and work in the situation you find yourself in. God loves to change people and bless them; may it be so for you!

carriebear -> RE: i don't love my husband (4/21/2008 1:55:03 PM)
hi keepingfaith- Could you please explain covenant marriage? He was married before- it was the first marriage for both of the. HE divorced her because she was not faithful. She also did drugs and put thei daughter in physical danger. Please explain.

carriebear -> RE: i don't love my husband (4/21/2008 1:57:11 PM)
Thank you deermousie- your words are very encouraging. Thank you for being kind- I don't get a lot of that these days and it gives me hop eto know that there are people who care.

keepingfaith -> RE: i don't love my husband (4/21/2008 3:08:25 PM)
quote: Could you please explain covenant marriage? He was married before- it was the first marriage for both of the. HE divorced her because she was not faithful. I would encourage you to study God's Word on the subject. The teachings today are all over the map and many teach that there is an exception for remarriage in the case of adultery. There is a new book out by Joseph Webb that I highly recommend...called Divorce and Remarriage, the Trojan Horse within the Church It gives very Biblical guidance and explains with scripture why marriage is a lifelong unbreakable covenant. This website also has very helpful information. www.marriagedivorce.com You will be bombarded with many who will tell you different things... so again I encourage you to see what truly lines up with His Word. Most people are not even familiar with the scriptures on divorce and remarriage. I wasn't until it applied to my situation, and my eyes were opened. The teachings today do not reflect what has been passed down for most of the last 2000 years. He explains in his book how these teachings came about as well. Bless you as you seek truth....

carriebear -> RE: i don't love my husband (4/21/2008 3:10:31 PM)
Keepingthefaith- Does this mean that I am not married to my husband in God's eyes?

CheshireMuse -> RE: i don't love my husband (4/21/2008 4:59:59 PM)
Carriebear, First of all, I'd like you to know I'm praying for you and your husband. While some believe that no marriage is valid in the eyes of God, except the first one, others do not share that view. I urge you to seek solid counsel from someone you trust, preferably your own pastor or a Christian counselor.... No one here is condoning disposible spouses, however, the doctrine of "convanent marriage" implies that remarriage is an unforgivable sin, and I have even heard people advice someone in a second marriage to leave wife and children (get a divorce) in order to reconcile with the first spouse (as if two wrongs make a right)..... I have serious doubts about any doctrine that negates grace. You should speak to someone you trust to determine the best course for you and your husband. Pray, obviously.... and search the scriptures... A message board is full of all sorts of opinions and beliefs... at this point in your life, it may only serve to confuse you.... God bless you.... quote: ORIGINAL: carriebear Keepingthefaith- Does this mean that I am not married to my husband in God's eyes?

42servehymn -> RE: i don't love my husband (4/21/2008 9:29:10 PM)
I would encourage you to put your blinders on to any of your husbands faults and really focus on his strengths. Promise yourself that you will not allow negative or judgmental thoughts to enter your head and if they do stop what you are doing and pray. Since you cannot change him you need to work on how you see him. Be his biggest cheerleader. Appreciate him and allow God to create any changes in him. You can do this with Gods help and the love of Christ pouring out of you!

lightshineon -> RE: i don't love my husband (4/21/2008 9:56:30 PM)
Sounds like you are emotionally bankrupt. I hate feeling not listened to also. The thing is God is always right, and no matter how you feel remember God is always right, and his word is true. Five years is not that long, and those are the hardest years. All I know when we do things God's way we are blessed. So that is the only advice I can give is God's advice. I do acknowledge your feelings and hear you also.

buckifn -> RE: i don't love my husband (4/21/2008 10:14:23 PM)
If you hate it when anyone prays, much less your husband, then you need serious spiritual direction more than anything else. God loves it when we talk to Him. Do you have a pastor you can counsel with? It is not your place, nor anyone else's to determine if your husband is serious when he prays...that is between him and God. I'd be very careful making statements like that.

imageoftheinvisible -> RE: i don't love my husband (4/21/2008 10:49:36 PM)
This sounds a lot like a respect issue, which I see as you don't respect your husband and he does not respect you. Your original post and some of the subsequent posts point out a list of your husband's weaknesses and flaws. In addition, you feel hurt because you are not appreciated for taking in his daughter and treating her as though she is your own. You have every right to feel the way that you do, but also beware that Satan is on the prowl and tear your marriage apart if you are not careful. I would encourage you to focus on things that your husband does well or that you appreciate. For example, I have read many posts on this forum of women married to men who are not Christians. Your husband may not be perfect or do much well, but he is saved and it appears as though he is trying. Give him some credit for where is heart is and allow God time to develop your husband into the man that God is preparing him to be.

3cappuccinosmom -> RE: i don't love my husband (4/22/2008 6:21:35 AM)
quote: I know I am mentioning feelings a lot here. You are. It seems they are ruling you. You cannot resent the man for being "passionless" when you knew that about him before you married him, and chose to marry him anyway. [&:] One of the earlier posters responded to you so well with this: quote: Galilee made some good points, and I'm sure others will as well, but the bottom line here is that you're not responsible for what kind of husband he is. You're only responsible for what kind of wife you are. You can't stand before God with your problems, or even come before other Christians, until you've gotten into the Word to see what it is that God has told you that you need to be doing as a wife. When you're doing your best to do all of those things, then you can talk to God about what your dh is or isn't doing. But I promise you that if you worry more about what you're supposed to worry about a lot of the other things will look different and be different. This is absolutely spot on. Stop looking at the log in your husband's eye. You can't change him, and you aren't responsible to change him. You are responsible for your behavior, and your attitudes. You can choose to live for God, to be content and happy, to be loving and kind, and to get your fulfillment from the Lord instead of seeking it in an imperfect man. I have btdt. Believe me. You know what's funny? At some point I realized that I had plenty to keep me busy just worrying about my faults and what I needed to change. [&o] I didn't need to keep playing my list of grievances about my husband in my mind. It was useless anyway and only served to distract me from the fact that I was not perfect. [;)] Now, of course, I would never claim to be perfect, and would even list some little faults to prove I wasn't so proud, but the reality was, I really did think I wasn't all that bad, and dh was the one at whom God should be frowning.

Galilee -> RE: i don't love my husband (4/22/2008 8:14:13 AM)
I didn't read this thread again until now, afraid I would get beat up for what I had said. I also wanted to think about it some more. I will go back to my original point for a minute, adding the last factor in as well. You "hate it" when he prays, you tell him you don't like what kind of parent he is, and you refuse to have sex with him. Like I said before, I would be numb around someone like that. If you keep telling me I can do no right, then I will do nothing, period. I bet a lot of men would. Slight tangent. I addressed something at work just yesterday. We have a sales referral program, that pays us for leads that pan out. They also have contests for the top 3 people every month. In a center full of hundreds of people, I was coming in 2nd every time. But, the one who leads the program complained to me about some of the leads not panning out. So, after the 3rd time of complaining to me (and my boss, who backs me up), I just said "Fine, I won't put them in anymore. I'm tired of getting yelled at." Now, is that the right answer? Most likely not. I lose money, the company loses momey, and the customer doesn't get what they need. But, frankly, if they are going to take their #2 seller and beat me up, then I'll just quit doing it. My point in that tangent is that you have power over your husband. You really do. I may get blasted for this, but I think you should read "The Proper care and feeding of husbands" by Dr. Laura. She has a lot of good information in there. I will add this. Most men can and will put up with just about anything, and will do just about anything for, a woman who he feels loves him, respects him, and meets his needs. If a man is sexually frustrated because his wife refuses to have sex, he starts to think "Why should I clean the kitchen? Why should I run the laundry? Why shoud I (fill in the blank). BUT...when a man feels loved, respected, and has his needs met, he will go to the end of the earth for you. I do sense that you do not love your husband or respect him. You really need to work on that. Now, you might say "Well what about him? What about him respecting me, and meeting my needs?" I don't know your husband, of course, but I can almost guarantee that if you treat him with respect, honor him, and meet his needs, it will come. Not right away. At first he will be wondering why the change. Trying to figure out your motive, etc. But, once he sees it is genuine, it will change him. And both of you will be better for it.

timf -> RE: i don't love my husband (4/22/2008 9:17:21 AM)
i don't love my husband One of the most pernicious ideas that Satan has put much effort in propagating is the idea of "falling in love". He has made sure that everyone has this model in their mind so that when they encounter someone and feel attraction, the term that comes to mind is that they are "falling in love". This idea then lends credence to decisions such as getting married. If you read the Biblical definition of love (1 Cor 13) you see that "selflessness" would be a better definition. Jesus is an example of love, not because He "fell in love" with us, but because He set aside everything so that He could die for us. If you think that another person is responsible for maintaining your feelings of attraction, you begin to think that a decrease in attraction is the fault of the person who first attracted you. Instead of feeling resentment towards your husband because you feel your lack of attraction is his fault, you may want to consider making a decision to start "real" love. Real love can be started unilaterally. Christ is our example and our very real help in the process of real love. You are in a difficult position. It sounds like you have come to a point where you see your husband as a villain and place responsibility for all discomfort at his feet. It is from this point that a root of bitterness can grow to poison an entire life. Asking Jesus to help you grow and show real love may not only save your marriage, it may rescue you from a life of bitterness.

Liveloved -> RE: i don't love my husband (4/22/2008 11:23:16 AM)
quote: I would encourage you to put your blinders on to any of your husbands faults and really focus on his strengths. Promise yourself that you will not allow negative or judgmental thoughts to enter your head and if they do stop what you are doing and pray. Since you cannot change him you need to work on how you see him. Be his biggest cheerleader. Appreciate him and allow God to create any changes in him. You can do this with Gods help and the love of Christ pouring out of you! Carriebear, Thank you for sharing your heart here. It is a hard and risky thing to do. We don't 'know' you or your situation (except for what you have shared) so many of the thoughts and comments offered by others are like stabs in the dark and those can be painful. Bless you for risking sharing to come to a place of help and hope. I quoted this counsel above because I think there is great wisdom here. You have a spiritual problem (as do we all). It is the work of God in each one of us to change the way we see things and think about things. That is why He has to transform our minds so that we think and see as He does. And the first thing we need to recognize is that we are often wrong in how we see and think. And your coming here with your question shows that you know something is wrong and that YOU are the something that can change. So bless you! You're at the beginning of real change and growth when you come to the end of yourself. Draw close to the Lord. Spend time in fellowship with Him and with others who know Him deeply. Do you have a church home or fellowship with mature believers to come along side you to encourage you? support you? love you? help you do and live as God would have you in relation to your husband and daughter? We all need encouragers in our lives. And during difficult times we need them all the more. So I pray you find Jesus to be your best and closest friend and rely on Him and then find others to support you in your life with Him. In Twila Paris' song, Throne Room Suite, there is a line "for I find my hope in You, trusting in no man, leaning not on earthly wisdom, things I understand, hide my heart away, fill me with Your love, let the world forsake me, I will find my hope in You." (That's my remembrance of it.) Anyway, this song encouraged me greatly when I was in a place of great pain and loss in my life. Jesus became to me that friend, through and because of that most difficult time. I had no one else and He was there for me. So my prayer for you, carriebear, is that you draw close to Jesus. And let Him love you through and beyond your current circumstances. He is the lover and husband of your soul and will meet all of your heart's needs if you let Him! He's calling you to come. My prayers and blessings sweet sister, LL[:)]

hnt -> RE: i don't love my husband (4/22/2008 11:32:42 AM)
James 3 speaks about the power of the tongue, and it speaks of the damage it can cause. I realize alot of people mininize this, but the bible speaks clearly on that subject. You are feeling this way, because it sounds like he is not a safe person in alot of ways. Viewing him for what he is - a broken soul - may not change the situation, but it will help your own mindset towards things. quote: Jas 3:6 The tongue is that kind of flame. It is a world of evil among the parts of our bodies, and it completely contaminates our bodies. The tongue sets our lives on fire, and is itself set on fire from hell. Jas 3:7 People have tamed all kinds of animals, birds, reptiles, and sea creatures. Jas 3:8 Yet, no one can tame the tongue. It is an uncontrollable evil filled with deadly poison. I read this scripture to remind me everytime someone gives a chat about how words can't damage others. I'm NOT talking on occasion rudeness, but repeated habit patterns. I mean lets face facts most people can be a jerk on occasion! [;)] The bible states that the tongue sets our lives on fire, and is itself set on fire from the hell. That's darn powerful to me, and speaks of the pit of evil. People that are engulfed in this world are truly broken souls, and its very understandable that you feel the battle wounds. According to the bible if you read this chapter your response and feelings are very much normal. I mean how else is a person to feel about the attack of evil? Boundaries are a good way of starting, but don't think he will love that response! If you think a control freak is going to love you when boundaries are placed down...lol WELL that just is unrealistic! They will hate it, and they will rebel. That doesn't mean you don't use them. They are a right to every human, and its a tool to keep your sanity at times. Mindset changes for you is also needed. You need to learn to view him differently. He is a truly a broken person, and he may seem strong and powerful....but he isn't. People that use their temper, intimidation, ugly words and actions aren't powerful...they are broken insecure people. Don't count on them admitting that, but its true. When you change your fear into seeing this person for whom they really are it helps you in taking steps in dealing with it. You have to see what you are dealing with clearly before you can CLEARLY deal with it! [:D] People at times it seems to me don't wish to do things that will rock the boat, and make a verbally abusive person go into additional rage modes. The truth of the matter is its going to happen anyway. Their anger towards this world isn't rational, and their views on how things should be are unreasonable as well. Most of the time they can't even live up to their standards, and yet rip up others when they fall short. Placing any reasonable boundary down will send them into orbit, but that doesn't mean you are NOT allowed to have them! It also doesn't mean you did anything wrong by placing that boundary down because of their reaction. Although most of the time people that advise dont' grasp the entire realm of what you are dealing with may speak of the opposite. That's fine, but remember they are speaking from their reality and not yours! [;)] Your husband is a victim of own rage, and only he and God can help him deal with that. God will help him let go of that rage, but its his choice to get serious and allow that to happen. Protecting yourself emotionally and physically against such a person isn't wrong. Remember most people are coming from a place thinking that MOST people can be reasonable, rational, and will see the errors of their ways. Unfortuately, that is a huge threat to someone that is a victim of their own anger. You mention anything and they feel attacked. There isn't any 'way' per se to bring this up to them, and them NOT feel this way. Again alot of people dont' see that, because lets face it MOST people don't react like that as a lifestyle! Everyone can get defensive of course, but that is completely different from their reaction. Since that makes NO SENSE to most people they truly have a hard time wrapping their minds around this reality. I have to say there was a time I did as well! [8D][:D] I don't have a problem with working on yourself as most people will tell you, but in reality you need to be able to view clearly what you are dealing with. Once you have that grasped that your next step in dealing with it will be clear. WHen you are being attacked on a regular basis intimacy is very hard! You don't feel safe, and in reality you aren't safe. He can change that if he wishes, but he needs to learn what the scripture truly means when it says to be a loving servant of God. To love his family like Christ loves the church. I have seen men make this transformation, but it wasn't easy. They were called on when they attempted to blame and divert their own sins to others in order NOT to deal with it! The wrath of anger is not something God would wish him to be dealing with on regular basis within his home. To honest his soul is at risk, and as it says in the famous 'I hate divorce' chapter in the bible it speaks on how God does not listen to men that wail their prayers to God and go home and treat their families like mudd. We are all to strive to be what God asks of us to show our loyality, love, obeience, to him. You can love, honor and respect your spouse as God would have you do AND have boundaries within the relationship. Realize your husband's brokeness, and pray for him! Have God take the blinders off of both of you, and strive for his will! Blessings to you both!

Hislittleone -> RE: i don't love my husband (4/23/2008 4:41:53 PM)
Great post from hnt! I agree with her advice. If my husband talked to me like I was stupid, yelled, ignored my needs and showed no love/emotion towards me I wouldn't feel very much love and would definitely not want to jump in bed with the man. It's my opinion that the husband is the leader in a marriage and he has greater control over which direction the marriage will take than the wife does. Unfortunately in this case it seems the husband isn't interested in leading the marriage in a Godly direction (loving his wife just as Christ loves the Church). Your reaction to your husband's negative actions is perfectly normal. quote: I know I am mentioning feelings a lot here. I do not think that life is all about how I feel, but at the same time, God did give us emotions. You are right in that God did create us with emotions. You have those emotions for a reason. Does God want us to have positive emotions towards sinful behavior? No. Your emotions serves as a gauge that indicates where your husband is in his relationship with Christ. Sadly in this situation (in MANY Christian marriages) the husband is not listening to his God-given "gauge". Be a helpmeet and help him meet God's standards (becoming Christlike). What does your husband say when you express these concernes (lack of substance in walk with Christ, yelling, talking down to you and his daughter, not meeting your needs) to him?

gocartone -> RE: i don't love my husband (4/23/2008 6:14:21 PM)
I realize things were not rosie when you got married. And maybe your husband is not what you ended up hoping for. But you did marry him and God is more concerned about your obedience to Him and seeking His kingdom first. You may not have hapiness now, but if you give God control of the situation, eventually the happiness will come. Going through alot in my own marriage right now but I stand on God's word and have faith that His perfect will will come through.

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