Advice before marriage (Full Version)

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RHardin15 -> Advice before marriage (4/21/2008 3:50:49 PM)

My girlfriend and I have been dating for about a year and a half. I am planning to ask her to marry me in the coming months. Obviously, we've discussed lots of different things pertaining to marriage, including money, kids, work, etc. We plan to get married in Summer 2009, and are slated to attend a pre-marital camp this summer.

Reading through this forum is absolutely depressing sometimes, and I do not foresee most of the problems I've read about here happening to us. However, I know marriage is never a picnic for anyone... SO, I just want to take in all the advice I can possibly take in, especially pertaining to things to discuss before we get married, so that we can be clear on as much as possible to limit any disagreements we may run into down the road.

We don't have arguements, and hardly ever disagree, which is why I've made it clear I want to bring up all the future arguements that we're probably going to run into. Post away, I'll take in as much as possible, including Scripture, reading material, and any other advice!

Thanks!



PromiseLander -> RE: Advice before marriage (4/21/2008 4:32:46 PM)

Well, the best advice I can give you is to love your wife SO much, that you are willing to make whatever sacrifices are necessary to make her happy.

You know how so many people (and pastors too) try to tell you that arguments and fussing within a marriage is normal? Well, it isn't. And if it DOES happen, then there is something horribly wrong. We are called to "love your wife as Christ loved the Church..."

You never found Jesus bickering with His Church; likewise if there is bickering or arguing in a marriage, that is indicative that something has gone VERY wrong. Search out any pride issues that you may have and get rid of them. If you ever feel yourself being tempted to argue or bicker, just ask if the fight is worth her happiness...

Sacrificially love your wife with ALL that you are and ALL that you have - no price is too high to pay for her happiness.

That's worked for my marriage - we're going on 5 years now and we have never fought. I'm not saying we've never disagreed on anything, but we talk lovingly about our differences, and we both see a Biblical marriage is the only way to have a marriage, so we both run towards each other in our differences.

Marriage is a WONDERFUL thing - quite possibly the best gift that God has ever given to his children - don't let anyone scare you out of it, but don't rush into it either - make sure you really know each other first.

God bless!



TMeeks -> RE: Advice before marriage (4/21/2008 5:35:57 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: RHardin15

My girlfriend and I have been dating for about a year and a half. I am planning to ask her to marry me in the coming months. Obviously, we've discussed lots of different things pertaining to marriage, including money, kids, work, etc. We plan to get married in Summer 2009, and are slated to attend a pre-marital camp this summer.

Reading through this forum is absolutely depressing sometimes, and I do not foresee most of the problems I've read about here happening to us. However, I know marriage is never a picnic for anyone... SO, I just want to take in all the advice I can possibly take in, especially pertaining to things to discuss before we get married, so that we can be clear on as much as possible to limit any disagreements we may run into down the road.

We don't have arguements, and hardly ever disagree, which is why I've made it clear I want to bring up all the future arguements that we're probably going to run into. Post away, I'll take in as much as possible, including Scripture, reading material, and any other advice!

Thanks!

One of the most important things to remember is that each of you are marrying into a family. And, that includes the family dynamics. If you or your spouse have any relationship problems with your parents they need to be addressed NOW. For instance, if there is any alcoholism in either family then you need to understand that it can have adverse ramifications for several generations unless it is dealt with properly with a counselor that is qualified to explain to you the dynamics of alcohol in a family, such as control or commitment issues. This is not to scare you.

One fo the mistakes people make is that if their future spouse has issues with their parents that they will be just fine once they are in our own little domain. I've never seen it work like that unless the couple seriously takes that into account in pre-marital counseling. The reason is that memories of a painful childhood, unless they are addressed, are always there under the surface brewing up trouble in the form of anticipting rejection or needing total affirmation, etc.

If one or both of you bring painfull pasts into a marriage thinking being together is going to make everything fine, then 7-15 down the road, you will find out differently. How do we do that? By taking the Bible's command to transform yourself by the renewing of your mind. Bring the mind of Christ into your marriage and not the OLD mind of the past and you will be able to withstand everything thrown at you.

When you say that it's depressing reading the marriage threads, you are correct. Each marital success among Christians is a shining example to neighbors and friends of the power of God to bring life in abundance (The Fruits of the Spirit) to His children. A failure is a marriage has the opposite effect. So, I would urge you to read back over some of the threads where marriages are crumbling and see how many of those going through that ordeal had difficult childhoods or spouses who had difficult childhoods that were never properly addressed before life became even more complex in marriage.

If this is true of either of you. please let me know and I'll suggest some materials for you.

Otherwise, let me send you to Prayer to Go, a wel site that will help you learn to pray God centered prayers. God does not exist to wait on us. We exist to wait on him. He wants you to bring His Love to your wife and wants her to His love to her husband.



ladyingrace1979 -> RE: Advice before marriage (4/21/2008 5:41:56 PM)

First of all this forum isn't a view of all marriages, people don't post unless there is a problem So you are only seeing one side of marriage. If you worked in a nursing home you probably wouldn't want to get old either because you only see the bad stuff.

You will have disagreements in marriage, even arguments, but they should be the exception not the norm. You see your girlfriend at her best right now and she sees you at your best. When you are with someone all the time you are going to see them at bad times. Often arguments are less about the issue than they are about feelings and moods. So when things start to excellerate you have to decide, is this worth pushing or should I back off, and discuss this when we are both more calm.

One of the best pieces of advice I can give is to know your spouse, really know her. For example, I can tell when my husband is sad or frustrated. It is then my job to help him out of that time, or just to give him some time and space to get his mind and heart in a better place. As a guy your first instinct is to try to fix problems, and there will be times for that. But so often women just want their spouse to listen and support. Touch is very powerful, being physically, mentally and emotionally with your spouse is profound. When your wife is sharing something and you sense that she is upset. Then focus on her completely.

A lot of what you will need to succeed in marriage comes from time together, commiting yourself to God and letting Him grow you into the husband you desire to be.

I wish you well and I commend you for all the effort you are putting in ahead of time.
Kim Q



deermousie -> RE: Advice before marriage (4/21/2008 9:44:42 PM)

Congrats, RHardin15!

We just celebrated 20 years of marriage, and looking back, the thing that kept us going through the low spots was commitment and kindness. As strong Christians, we both were determined to preserve our marriage in the troubles that inevitably come (a function of godly character), and my husband's kindness to me was unwavering and let me keep my sanity. He loved me; money can't buy that.

After years of realizing various things (we'd stop communicating, which was potentially a killer) we've been able to make our bond stronger. One of the biggies for us was, *his* father brought home a paycheck and his mom did everything else. So he thought that was how to be a husband and he never gave it another thought. It's only now we're getting it straightened out. My husband feels terrible, and so do I - it didn't have to be this way. So we're slowly fixing it. The really cool thing is that our daughter has grown up to be a terrific young lady who isn't struggling with the things we struggle with. She'll have her own challenges, I'm sure, but I think she got the basics inspite of her parents' struggles. God's grace all the way!

quote:

Obviously, we've discussed lots of different things pertaining to marriage, including money, kids, work, etc. We plan to get married in Summer 2009, and are slated to attend a pre-marital camp this summer.


Very smart!

If you guys are serious about your walk with God (and it sounds like you are) then He will oversee everything else, and the selfishness that bombs so many marriages can be died to daily. Treat her like a queen and enjoy being treated like a king. Your sons someday will be watching you to see how a woman is supposed to be treated. Reign on!



ta_mosquito -> RE: Advice before marriage (4/21/2008 9:49:29 PM)

I always recommend the e-book "1000 Questions for Couples." You have probably talked about a lot of the stuff in there, but it was invaluable to my husband and me.

Congratulations!



RHardin15 -> RE: Advice before marriage (4/22/2008 8:12:22 AM)

Thanks for all of the great responses! I will check out the e-book in the post above. Thankfully, there aren't any big family problems on either side. I spend a whole lot of time with her family, and get along with them really well. My family is extremely loving towards her, and alot of things about our family dynamics are very similar. I think that's made things easy in that area.

I do realize that on this forum I will be seeing the bad side of marriages, and the overwhelming majority of posts are about problems and issues that people encounter. A few of them I've been able to read and make mental notes that I will never treat my wife in the way some husbands treat theirs. I plan to treat her with the love that only Jesus gives. There is so much to think about before the day we tie the knot, so we are working together to leave nothing out.

Thanks to all of you, keep it coming!



evryknee -> RE: Advice before marriage (4/22/2008 12:08:02 PM)

Always take a look at all your actions and weigh them asking "Am I loving myself or my spouse right now?" or "was I loving my spouse or myself?" This is the greatest thing, I believe, I have learned in marriage. With all the struggles that have gone on, in my marriage and those I have seen in others, is when the love of self becomes greater than the love for God and the other. When I got married, I realized how self-centered I was. When I had children, this understanding tripled. Love is the most excellent way! Love like Christ and may this be your purpose & goal in marriage and in life!



Memaw. -> RE: Advice before marriage (4/22/2008 12:22:59 PM)

A pastor once said,
"When you argue with your wife (and you will [;)]), stand back to back with her, never face to face. Always have your spouses "back", even in a disagreement".



ladyingrace1979 -> RE: Advice before marriage (4/22/2008 12:44:53 PM)

One other thing I would say to you is to get a good marriage mentor. Someone who has a good solid marriage and can help when times do get hard. We could telll you so many things but a lot of what makes a good marriage is learned over time. You can read every book about marriage, go to every seminar, etc. but when it comes down to it a lot of this is learn as you go. So someone who has a successful marriage and is good at helping others is a great resourse.

I truly wish both of you well,
Kim Q



TMeeks -> RE: Advice before marriage (4/22/2008 2:26:38 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: RHardin15

Thanks for all of the great responses! I will check out the e-book in the post above. Thankfully, there aren't any big family problems on either side. I spend a whole lot of time with her family, and get along with them really well. My family is extremely loving towards her, and alot of things about our family dynamics are very similar. I think that's made things easy in that area.

I do realize that on this forum I will be seeing the bad side of marriages, and the overwhelming majority of posts are about problems and issues that people encounter. A few of them I've been able to read and make mental notes that I will never treat my wife in the way some husbands treat theirs. I plan to treat her with the love that only Jesus gives. There is so much to think about before the day we tie the knot, so we are working together to leave nothing out.

Thanks to all of you, keep it coming!

That is a HUGE plus for success in your future. I'm very happy to hear that. Coming into a marriage with having had healthy relationships in the family as you are raised, means that you can focus on being who God wants you to be in a marriage.

One of the things I would encourage you to learn early is the concept of "Being There" for your spouse. There is a tiny little book called "FISH!" that talks about how the Seattle Fish Market became the most famous fish market in the world using just a few simple principles. One of them is "Have Fun" and this is the one most people focus on. But, to me, the most important principle is "Be There".

Le's say you are on the computer and your wife wants to talk with you. "Being there" is NOT multi-tasking. Stop what you are doing, look straight at her and concerse with her. Listen. This one of the toughest things in the world for me because I get sucked into what ever I am doing and want to finish writing my thoughts before switching gears to talk with my wife about the subject on her mind. My makeup is that I have to conscienciously decide to stop what I am doing, make full eye contact with her and then get fully engrossed in the topic SHE is interested in at the moment. It can be hard to master; but, it is WELL worth the effort and pays huge dividends in letting your wife feel loved and not neglected.

The great thing is that you can practice this NOW. STOP. FOCUS. LISTEN. RESPOND. [:D]

Tom



jaimestarcross -> RE: Advice before marriage (4/22/2008 6:58:59 PM)

Definition of words to remember and practice for a life time:

Love: a profoundly tender, passionate affection for another person.

Honor: high respect; revere, to show a courteous regard for..

Cherish: to hold or treat as dear; feel love for, to care for tenderly; nurture


Don't go to bed angry at your spouse.

Learn to say: Please forgive me (and mean it.)

Learn how to problem solve together.

Make sure you and your intended have an emergency money fund BEFORE you get married.

Don't use credit cards for everyday expenses.

Learn how to budget.

*This may sound familiar - don't live beyond your means. Make sure your expenses fit into one person's salary. Bank/invest half of your spouse's income. Too many people are living in homes they can't afford and when one spouse loses their job - they are in trouble! You've probably heard the old saying - Two can live cheaply as one... that is true but those two people have to keep their focus and not over spend or over buy. Save up your money for the big purchase - buying a home.

*Before I married in 2002 - I owned my own home and car (no debt - just every day expenses.) So I entered marriage with no debt and we were able to make a huge down payment on the home(it was brand new back then.)



tiffywal -> RE: Advice before marriage (4/22/2008 7:14:21 PM)

DH and I have been married going on 6 years from now. At first it was rough. We never argued before we got married but did after. Now we are committed to have a marriage the God intended it to be. I submit to my DH and he submits to me. We don't make decisions without talking with each other first. Our marriage has gotten stronger since we decided to walk in christ together.



RHardin15 -> RE: Advice before marriage (4/23/2008 8:04:47 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: jaimestarcross

Definition of words to remember and practice for a life time:

Love: a profoundly tender, passionate affection for another person.

Honor: high respect; revere, to show a courteous regard for..

Cherish: to hold or treat as dear; feel love for, to care for tenderly; nurture


Don't go to bed angry at your spouse.

Learn to say: Please forgive me (and mean it.)

Learn how to problem solve together.

Make sure you and your intended have an emergency money fund BEFORE you get married.

Don't use credit cards for everyday expenses.

Learn how to budget.

*This may sound familiar - don't live beyond your means. Make sure your expenses fit into one person's salary. Bank/invest half of your spouse's income. Too many people are living in homes they can't afford and when one spouse loses their job - they are in trouble! You've probably heard the old saying - Two can live cheaply as one... that is true but those two people have to keep their focus and not over spend or over buy. Save up your money for the big purchase - buying a home.

*Before I married in 2002 - I owned my own home and car (no debt - just every day expenses.) So I entered marriage with no debt and we were able to make a huge down payment on the home(it was brand new back then.)


I already own a home, and I am saving some extra money now for the first year or so. She'll be finishing up a year of school, and therefore won't be working. She may be able to work part-time, but I'm not counting on that. Thankfully, she has a newer car that is paid off, and I have a newer car that will be paid off right around the time we get married.

We plan on living in the house I already own for 5-10 years (depends on kids, unless the school zoning changes by then, we want to move before we have kids that start school) so that should make that area a little better. So hopefully during that time we'll be able to put away most of her salary before the whole kids/moving thing. I can see where the whole money thing will be a point of disagreements in the future. She doesn't have much experience dealing with money at all, and I am tight with money. Right now, she says I'm going to deal with all of our money so we'll just have to wait and see on all of that.



elastic -> RE: Advice before marriage (4/23/2008 2:38:34 PM)

here are just a couple of things that i would say.....no matter how much you love her now, there will come a time where you will have a disagreement. it happens. if you have a disagreement, discuss it rationally and never go to bed angry. settle it before you lay down to sleep.

the last thing we do before going to sleep at night is kiss each other and say 'i love you'. we never go to bed angry with each other and it has been a wonderful thing.

another thing i suggest (and it hasn't been an issue for us at all is...) if you do have an argument or disagreement on something and you are both very angry...DON'T go venting to a third party. don't put your wife down in front of anyone...try to settle the matter between you, and if you just can't, then seek the advice of your pastor. Your marriage should be between you and your wife...not you, your wife and your friends, or you your wife and your parents/her parents...it's just the two of you.

i think it's fine to ask advice in how to deal with some situations, but i don't think it's wise to ever kvetch to someone else about an argument you guys are having.



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