|
Real_Solitude -> RE: CUTTING (4/30/2008 4:53:48 AM)
|
quote:
ORIGINAL: hawknelsonismyfriend
But doesnt it just hurt more? I dont get how more pain is an escape.
Here's a more anecdotal response to your question answering the psychological aspect of cutting. This is personal experience, so I can't guarantee it valid for anyone else, but here's my story.
When I was roughly fourteen, I fell into a deep state of despair. I don't know what caused the depression, but ennui consumed me. I ceased to feel any emotion at all. There was no happiness, sadness, anger, or pleasure, just a simply void of emotion.
In an attempt to regain my emotions, I started cutting. The bio-chemical effects I've already described obviously apply, but there was a psychological side to it as well. The skin damage and pain forced the release of the endorphins and dopamine. These two chemicals allowed me two emotions, relief, and pleasure. I used these to remember how to feel. A springboard of sorts out of the vapid state I'd found myself in. By adding other emotional content either immediately before, or more usually during/after a cutting session, I was able to trigger the emotions associated with the stimulus as well. Happiness, elation, and sadness were all regained either by supplementing the cutting with music, literature, or visual media that was designed to evoke specific responses, I began to feel those responses. When I had enough feeling back, I attempted to stop cutting, and found it hard. The dopamine had trained me, and I had become reliant on the mental release associated with the pain. I eventually weaned myself off of it after a year and a half total of cutting. There were one or two relapses since then, but I've since stopped all together.
Despite the gains I was able to achieve via this technique, I regret self-mutilating, and recognize that there are better ways to solve such problems than through pain. I still can't feel some emotions. I can't feel embarrassment, or fear, for instance.
You're correct in that it did hurt more, but that was the point. The physical pain is an escape from the emotional pain, in addition to providing an addicting pleasure itself. The ultimate masochism, I suppose.
|
|
|
|