His Needs Her Needs?? (Full Version)

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YZGUY -> His Needs Her Needs?? (4/24/2008 7:03:49 PM)

I've read His Needs Her Needs and wanted to get your opinions on the book.

I respect the author and a lot of points he makes and some of the Scriptures he used, but I think this book would more appropriately be named "His Wants Her Wants." My biggest hangup are that wants and desires are elevated to needs.

What are your thoughts and opinions on the book.



42servehymn -> RE: His Needs Her Needs?? (4/24/2008 9:56:15 PM)

I read that book probably 20 years ago. I found it to be very helpful. I enjoyed the examples he used.That really made me understand how affairs can sneak up on you. It was good for me to realize that I needed to recognize my needs that were not being met and not leave myself vulnerable to Satan's attacks. If I feel attracted to someone I only need to ask myself what need that person is meeting that DH is not. Also it made me aware that I need to do my best to meet my husbands needs so he is not easily tempted. I suppose you are right that those are more wants than needs but even with that concession the information is still valuable.



stampinlady -> RE: His Needs Her Needs?? (4/25/2008 9:20:40 AM)

Can you give us an example of wants being elevated to a need? I've never read the book, but wouldn't a need be a want too? Maybe you should start a thread in Marriage about this. It's seems kind of interesting.



DaveW -> RE: His Needs Her Needs?? (4/25/2008 11:09:15 AM)

Whether something is a need or a want depends on where you draw the line. Is calcium a need or a want in your diet? You can certainly live without it, but it will result in weak bones and teeth. If that is important, it becomes a need. If not, it doesn't.

I think the book is generally good but I got mad at a few of the examples. Haviing an affair because your wife will not go hiking with you?



doinkdom -> RE: His Needs Her Needs?? (4/25/2008 1:48:16 PM)

I read the book years ago and thought it was one of the most manipulative pieces of Christian self-help "junk" I'd ever read. My husband felt the same way.

We were both left with the impression that our sin was excused because of something the other wasn't doing.

There was always the threat of an affair or something else if we didn't perform in a manner dictated by the other person.

Rather than pointing one another to our fulfillment in Christ alone...we were left pointing fingers at each other.

This is my own opinion, others will vary.



YZGUY -> RE: His Needs Her Needs?? (4/25/2008 8:56:56 PM)

quote:

Can you give us an example of wants being elevated to a need?

Sorry, I don't have the book in front of me, but at my office, so I'll have to double check all the "needs" it gives and write back- But I do remember (I think) that His need is for her to look good. I greatly appreciate my wife looking good - but I'm not sure I find it a need. Now, if she did not care for herself and smelled something horrible, I might then say that it is a need[:D].

quote:

I've never read the book, but wouldn't a need be a want too?

Good question! Personally, I think we see too many things as needs - things we can't live without. "I need a beer." "I need pizza." "I need my spouse to _______." Maybe it's symantics, but it would seem to me that when we say we have a need, then we cannot survive without it - Like Food, Clothing, Shelter being the basic needs.

We also see in Scripture that the Lord supplies all our needs according to His riches in glory. So, then, to keep the discussion moving, does this mean that only God and not people fill our needs, that God uses people to fill our needs, or something different?

So, then, what are our needs and does this book adequately show our true needs, or felt (things we feel we need) needs?



dradynsmom -> RE: His Needs Her Needs?? (4/26/2008 12:15:29 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: doinkdom

I read the book years ago and thought it was one of the most manipulative pieces of Christian self-help "junk" I'd ever read. My husband felt the same way.

We were both left with the impression that our sin was excused because of something the other wasn't doing.

There was always the threat of an affair or something else if we didn't perform in a manner dictated by the other person.

Rather than pointing one another to our fulfillment in Christ alone...we were left pointing fingers at each other.

This is my own opinion, others will vary.

I read this book and only finished it because i refuse to leave a book unfinished. I really agree with everything said here. I didn't like the fact that Sex was never an issue on the womans side only the mens. And how under womens jobs were liste cleaning and stuff like that. THe book seemed very sexist to me.
Steph



FroMan -> RE: His Needs Her Needs?? (4/26/2008 3:24:36 AM)

I am on the other side of the spectrum here.

I read the book and I thought it was very insightful. It describes men and women fairly accurately.

Almost every affair known to history has occured because some "need" or "want" has gone unmet in the spouse of the person. This doesn't excuse the adulterers behavior and it also doesn't lay blame solely upon the faithful spouse either.

The point is that if each person is trying to meet the need of their spouse in every area, there is no "want to" to go outside of the marriage.

Of course, having your marriage centered upon God is the only, true way to have a successful marriage, but meeting the needs of your spouse is a good way to go about "affair-proofing" your marriage.

Steph, I don't think the author was saying that women "have to do the laundry and dishes" but that most men picture the woman as the homemaker. Of course each situation is different, but men are attracted to women who take care of the house (I could case less about a clean house, so this one is not speaking of me, but like I said, every situation is different) and that the man might decide to look elsewhere for a home caretaker if his wife isn't meeting the need.

It's the same way most women look at the man as the financial provider. In today's world that can put a lot of pressure on a guy, but it also forces women to look elsewhere for financial security when her husband is not meeting the need.

Just two examples...

This book isn't the law or Scripture, it is suggestions. Most of them, if followed are good suggestions.



DaveW -> RE: His Needs Her Needs?? (4/28/2008 11:44:17 AM)

quote:

I read the book years ago and thought it was one of the most manipulative pieces of Christian self-help "junk" I'd ever read. My husband felt the same way.
Actually from what I remember it was not billed as "christian" at all. Harley seemed to be writing to a predominately secular audience.
quote:

I didn't like the fact that Sex was never an issue on the womans side only the mens. And how under womens jobs were liste cleaning and stuff like that. THe book seemed very sexist to me.
Again, from memory, at the end of the book he said that many of the issues for men were also issues for women and vice versa. He just chose the gender based on the majority of instances he found in his own counseling practice.



YZGUY -> RE: His Needs Her Needs?? (4/29/2008 1:35:17 PM)

OK - I have the book - Here are the "needs"

SHE NEEDS: Affection, Conversation, Honesty, Financial Support (lived comfortably), him to be a good father

HE NEEDS: Sexual fulfillment, Recreational companionship (playmate), a Good-looking wife, Peace & quiet, her Admiration

Men & Women, what would you agree with or disagree with? Are these your "needs"? Is the author on the right track or off course (in your opinion)?



doinkdom -> RE: His Needs Her Needs?? (4/29/2008 2:37:01 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: DaveW
quote:

I read the book years ago and thought it was one of the most manipulative pieces of Christian self-help "junk" I'd ever read. My husband felt the same way.
Actually from what I remember it was not billed as "christian" at all. Harley seemed to be writing to a predominately secular audience.


You are probably right...at the time it was being pushed in many Christian circles as well as many marriage conferences that were supposedly Christian oriented.



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