Being the parent of a Step Child (Full Version)

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dradynsmom -> Being the parent of a Step Child (4/25/2008 7:16:05 PM)

Ok i really need some advice on this one. My Husband of two years has a five year old daughter. This child refuses to listen to me. When ever I tell her something she says "I don't have to listen to you because my mommy and daddy are getting back together' or "My mommy says i don't have to listen to you" We have talked to her mom and her mom actually tells her this stuff. What do we do? My husband and I are both Christians and are a complete loss as to what to do. My husbands work schedule does not permit us to only pick her up when he is off. I am terrrified that one day she is gonna end up hurting herself even when i tell her not to do something because she thinks that she does not have to listen to me. THis is a recent developement (about 6 months ago it started.) I have been seeing my husband since she was a little over a year old and things have never been this bad with her. Please give all the advice you have.
Stephanie



stellaluna -> RE: Being the parent of a Step Child (4/25/2008 7:22:26 PM)

So the ex is telling the little girl that? Did you ask her to stop? What did she say?



dradynsmom -> RE: Being the parent of a Step Child (4/25/2008 7:50:42 PM)

Her mom said that that was her child and she could tell her anything she wanted. Right now her daughter is sick and is up here with us and her mother refuses to let her go home (even though she is very home sick cuz she's ill) because she has plans to go out saturday night. Said that her plans are more important than her daughter coming home. I am at my wits ends on what to do.
Steph



Jenny-Fair -> RE: Being the parent of a Step Child (4/25/2008 8:03:28 PM)

I am reading a very good book entitled, And the Two Became One Plus. It is about remarriage with children. One of the pieces of wise advice that the author gives is to treat your stepchildren the same way you would want your child treated if your child lived with someone else.

Have you and your DH sat down and explained to your daughter that you are married for life, that you are a family and that she can count on you?

How long has your DH been divorced from his first wife?



dradynsmom -> RE: Being the parent of a Step Child (4/25/2008 8:53:40 PM)

Yes we have sat down and had numerous talks with her. Explaining that i am always gonna be here and that i am not going to be leaving and that i am going to treat her the same way that i treat my son. My DH was never married to her. He was not a christian at the time- he came to the Lord after starting to date me.
Steph



Jenny-Fair -> RE: Being the parent of a Step Child (4/25/2008 9:17:00 PM)

Has this been going on the whole two years you have been married? And how much of the time do you have her?



dradynsmom -> RE: Being the parent of a Step Child (4/25/2008 9:49:05 PM)

When the mom was happy with her marriage we could actually talk on the phone for an hour without a problem, no i can't even answer the phone if she callls or I get screamed at (by her). We normally have my DSD for 3-4days everyother week, sometimes more sometimes less.
Thanks for the concern and questions
Steph



Beck34 -> RE: Being the parent of a Step Child (4/26/2008 1:59:55 AM)

I am the step-mother of four children. I understand your frustration! It doesn't help when the biological mother is hindering your progress with her. Try to think about what this must be like for her. You have to approach this from her point of view.
One of the things that I have learned in this experience is that patience is part of the bonding process. I know this is hard when she tells you that she doesn't have to do what you say. Just remember in those times that you are the grown-up in this.
Another thing that I have learned is that she needs to feel unconditional love from you. From what you have said, it doesn't seem as though she gets that unconditional love from her biological mom. I may be wrong, but the only way you are going to build a life-long relationship with her is to make sure she knows how much you love her in any situation. For example, when my step-children get into trouble or do something that is not safe, I tell them how much I love them. Then, we discuss why what has happened is wrong for them. Then, and only then, do I hand out punishment.
It might be hard for you both at first, but in time, it will work! I know from personal experience.
Another thing I would advise is for the both of you to have some time for just the two of you. Just talk about whatever comes to mind. It is working wonders with the child I felt the most distant from. Now, we are closer, and he respects me.
Let me know how it goes!



Kat_D -> RE: Being the parent of a Step Child (4/26/2008 9:54:57 AM)

Any child who has experienced and is experiencing the things this one is going through would be understandably confused, hurting and angry. Think about it...

-She is shuffled back and forth between two homes

-She has a mother who cares more about herself than caring for her daughter when she is sick; who uses her daughter to get back at her ex and his wife; places unrealistic thoughts in her child's head that she and her father will be back together one day, and basically teaches her that she can be disrespectful and disobedient

-She has a father and step-mother who seem at a loss as to how to deal with her anger, hurt and confusion

This child is basically suffering alone and she's acting out as result...I would be too!

Would you and your husband be open to getting some counseling? This would be a good place to start. You can't change the way her mother behaves, but you can learn how to minister to this hurting little girl and parent her in a productive way when she's with you...

HERE is a ministry (Family Discipleship Ministries - Parenting Is A Ministry) where you may be able to obtain some helpful information. Our church uses this ministry for our parenting classes.

God bless you and give you guidance as you seek to find ways to help this child.



pbaribeault -> RE: Being the parent of a Step Child (4/26/2008 4:45:38 PM)

Bonding and counseling are excellent long term strategies towards family solidarity and functionality. You've gotten some good advice.

However...

You need a short term strategy to deal with the girl's words and behaviour, especially when it comes to safety issues.

The first step in this strategy is to decide at a very basic level exactly what you will not tolerate - both behaviour and words. Then you need to find a workable consequence or two that you are willing and able to apply. The things you are not going to tolerate probably include (1) ignoring a direct command, (2) shouting at you, and (3) going where she knows she should not - so I'll work with that example.

You sit her down, together, and tell her that she does have to do listen to you, because you and her Dad are the bosses of this house and you can put her in her room if she doesn't mind you. Because you are the bosses, she may not shout at you. If she does you will put her in her room. She also knows that she is not allowed to go in your bedroom or open the doors that go outside. That will also get her put in her room. Does she understand? Repeat it all again for her to memorize it.

Then you need to do your part and not give her so many commands that you're going to have to fight this battle all the time. For example, you don't tell her to come to the table for lunch (a command) instead you tell her that lunch is ready and that it will only be ready for 5 minutes (no command, just telling her what's going on). You don't tell her to eat ("It's OK if you're not hungry I'll put your food away in the fridge.") you don't tell her to get dressed ("You may come out of your room when you are dressed.") you don't tell her to turn off the TV ("Would you like to turn the TV off yourself, or should I do it?)

Instead save your commands for important situations when you are willing to enforce them. Never give a command and then allow her to ignore it - either do-to-her what the command was (If she doesn't come when you say "come" go to her, pick her up, and walk back to where you were and set her down.) or do the consequence. Always follow through when she breaks the ground rules (shouting at you, going wherever) but make sure that those rules are very few - just the basics needed for peace and safety.

You can begin teaching her good behaviour later, once she 'gets' the system and knows it is solid. This is not the time to be enforcing everything from 'we always say please and thank you' to 'don't open the fridge'. Neither you nor she can live with that level of constant control-and-resistance.

And, of course accentuate the positive, always, with your whole heart... and with tangible rewards if possible.



PrincessDonna -> RE: Being the parent of a Step Child (4/26/2008 6:33:43 PM)

Pbaribeault had an excellent post.

Also make sure that you do not ever say a negative thing about her mother in front of her, no matter how true it may be. Let her see, over time, that you are not the bad guy and that you will not resort to that level of ignorance and manipulation.

Make sure that you and her dad are on the same page and that neither ever undermines the other in front of the child. This child, in this situation, needs to see a united front even more than a child with an intact home. You and her father can disagree, just don't do it in front of her.



dradynsmom -> RE: Being the parent of a Step Child (4/26/2008 7:26:10 PM)

Pbaribeault thank you so much for ur post. it was so encouraging. Princess Donna we have always made it a point to not talk neg about her mom when she is here. THe only half way neg thing we say is that her mom is wrong when it comes to them getting back together and in telling that she doesn't have to listen to me.
Also her mom called last night and said that I was not allowed to raise my voice at my dsd. So from now on I am to tell her something once then put her in the corner if she doesn't listen, What do you guys think of this? I personallly think this is going to make things worse because it turns me into such a bad guy. But this is the agreement her mom and my dh came up with. Ur advice and opinions are greatly welcomed.
Steph



Jenny-Fair -> RE: Being the parent of a Step Child (4/26/2008 7:32:29 PM)

I think all of us parents are guilty at yelling at kids. However, yelling is not discipline. You should not have to raise your voice, but the alternative isn't saying something only once. I mean, it sounds like what you do now is tell her once, and if she doesn't do it, yell at her..but what kinda sense does that makes?

You can just as easily repeat yourself without raising your voice. So, five minutes before dinner, say to both kids 'dinner is in five, you will want your hands washed' and then one minute until dinner say, 'time for dinner, are your hands washed?' 'no? well, go do it then' and then she can't sit and eat until it's done.

Realistic consequences make a great teaching tool, and I heartily recommend the books Kevin Lehman has written, such as making your kids mind without losing yours.



PrincessDonna -> RE: Being the parent of a Step Child (4/26/2008 7:32:30 PM)

quote:

Also her mom called last night and said that I was not allowed to raise my voice at my dsd. So from now on I am to tell her something once then put her in the corner if she doesn't listen, What do you guys think of this? I personallly think this is going to make things worse because it turns me into such a bad guy. But this is the agreement her mom and my dh came up with. Ur advice and opinions are greatly welcomed.

That may be fine if you will never be alone with her. Does your husband ever leave her in your care? I would caution you about coming down harder on her than her Dad does, because it sounds like you don't have a firm, stable relationship built with her yet. Work on building the relationship first, and then the rest comes later.

I am also a stepmom, and the child's bio mother was also never married to my husband. My stepson is 7 now, and I only call him my stepson when it is needed for clarity...to me, he is my son.

IMO, your husband needs to be careful not to make any agreements without consulting you first, because it is reinforcing the ex's belief that *she* is in charge of what happens in your home and not you and your husband. When something is brought up concerning your household, ask him if he would just tell her he has to discuss it with you first. If he's not willing to do that, then fine, but you can ask him anyway and see what he says.



dradynsmom -> RE: Being the parent of a Step Child (4/26/2008 9:03:54 PM)

First off I rarely yell but she was on the phone when my son started pulling on the table cloth of the table that had a candle on it (so of course) I screamed NO, honey, No. So then she automatically assumed i was yelling at her daughter. Even though my hubby told her a million times it was our son she didn't care. Said if i'd yell at my son i'd yell at her daughter in a heart beat. So now i am not to say anything more than once because ""that hounding" and i'm not to really do anything at all i guess. I am home with her by myself alot because my husbands work schedule does not allow us to only pick her up on his days off.
It never used to be this way. We were actually at a point were she was calling me mommy steph and if i said jump she would have said how high. But then her mom split up with her husband and now is filling her head full of junk. And whats worse is her mom will actually call up here and ask her if she is listening to me. Then when my sd says yes she'll tell her she doesn't have to because i'm not going to be staying with daddy anymore. We used to have it so good and now, well i am soo at a loss for words.
Steph



Jenny-Fair -> RE: Being the parent of a Step Child (4/26/2008 9:09:00 PM)

I think some family counseling might be helpful to help you and your DH and even your daughter set some boundaries with this woman.

In addition, I would be logging everything that goes on in case you need it in the future.



PrincessDonna -> RE: Being the parent of a Step Child (4/26/2008 9:09:12 PM)

I really feel for you. I know how hard it is to deal with an uncooperative other parent. Unfortunately, you cannot control her actions. You can only control your own. Can you think of ways you can make your sd's time with you more stable? Some special bonding time as a family, and also you alone with her? With mom filling her head with garbage, I bet she needs more reassurance that you love her and that she is special than she did before.

Do you have to let her talk on the phone with her mom during your time with her? Does she talk to your husband during her time with her mom? That's something we had to put a stop to with my ss, except for rare exceptions. It was just too disruptive to our time together. We also don't call during his mother's time with him, except on his birthday, first day of school, etc.

I also agree it's fine that you're alone with her. I'm also alone with my ss very often. Schedules just don't always allow for Daddy to be home, and we figure his visit is really to visit with OUR family, not just with his Daddy.

Hang in there, I know it's tough.



pbaribeault -> RE: Being the parent of a Step Child (4/27/2008 9:25:32 AM)

If you've agreed to parent this child without raising your voice or "hounding" then you are going to have to do it. It's really hard, but possible. It's actually a great philosophy and both powerful and effective. Check out this resource...

Scream Free Parenting

If you feel you can't do it, then you need to tell your husband that you can't, and that he either needs to not leave her alone with you... or else tell the mom that he wants you parenting according to your own philosophy when the girl is with you, and that neither of you intends to abide by her limitations in your home.



buckifn -> RE: Being the parent of a Step Child (4/27/2008 9:39:30 AM)

Has the dad considered filing for sole custody?



Beck34 -> RE: Being the parent of a Step Child (4/27/2008 11:42:27 AM)

It sounds to me like the mother is emotionally unstable right now. My advise to you is that you only allow a certain amount of communication with her mother when she is with you.



stellaluna -> RE: Being the parent of a Step Child (4/27/2008 12:29:53 PM)

I would look at ways to record your conversations with this woman (and your husband's).



pbaribeault -> RE: Being the parent of a Step Child (4/27/2008 10:20:56 PM)

At very least make sure that you (with mom's full awareness) listen to any phone conversation and make it clear that you will disconnect the phone if the mom is making open trouble-making comments.



dradynsmom -> RE: Being the parent of a Step Child (4/28/2008 11:20:55 AM)

BUckfin- yes but since we have no evidence of "unfit" parent then we would never win.

Stelluna - Unfourtunatly in the state I live in it is illegal to record conversations without her full consent and awareness. We'd never beable to get her to consent.

I have never really thought of not letting them talk while she's here. She can get homesick so she calls about once a day to talk to her sister (who's 3 or 4) and mom and grandma. I used to always make up excuses when they called as to y she couldn't talk, but now she'll start to cry and say she wants to go home in the evening (when we are settling down for bed). Them talking seemed to be the only way she would stay for the whole visit. I see now that maybe it is making things worse not better. I will definitly discuss this with my hubby. THanks for all your posts.



PrincessDonna -> RE: Being the parent of a Step Child (4/28/2008 11:32:21 AM)

quote:

BUckfin- yes but since we have no evidence of "unfit" parent then we would never win.


Boy do I know how that goes.[>:] It takes a lot to prove that, I know.

She may have a hard time at first with not calling them, but I think it will benefit your family time together in the end. I know it did with us, and my ss never even asks to call anymore. You may want to wean her down slowly though, and plan things to do out of the house to help her forget, at least in the beginning.

Does she call your husband regularly while she is at her mom's?

ETA...if your motive in doing this is questioned, you (or rather, your husband) would just tell her that it is not in any way to remove her mother from her life. It is simply to help reinforce those bonds with your family also. That bond with her Daddy and her family at Daddy's house is very important too.



pbaribeault -> RE: Being the parent of a Step Child (4/28/2008 2:34:23 PM)

If she is calling your house, you can get her 'consent' to record the call simply by saying, "I'm going to record this call. If you don't want to be recorded, you can hang up now."



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