advice to a future worship pastors wife (Full Version)

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ladyingrace1979 -> advice to a future worship pastors wife (4/27/2008 1:21:47 AM)

Hi there,
I don't usually post in this thread because I haven't needed help with my ministry. However, in a few short months my amazingly talented husband will be graduating from Bible college and become a worship pastor. Now I know being the wife of a worship pastor is far from the same as being the wife of a senior pastor, but it is still a pastors wife. So I am asking for any advice or words of wisdom as my dh and I go down this road together.

Thank you,
Kim Q



Szaftoo -> RE: advice to a future worship pastors wife (4/27/2008 9:27:52 AM)

I am not a pastor's wife, however, I think being supportive is very important. He will have long and sometimes odd hours so you need to be flexible. He may be frustrated at times, listen to his vents and be loving. Telll him how important he is to both you and your church and pray for him and his ministry every day. Ask the Lord to annoint him and the worship team.



techne -> RE: advice to a future worship pastors wife (4/27/2008 6:43:52 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Szaftoo
I am not a pastor's wife, however, I think being supportive is very important. He will have long and sometimes odd hours so you need to be flexible. He may be frustrated at times, listen to his vents and be loving. Telll him how important he is to both you and your church and pray for him and his ministry every day. Ask the Lord to annoint him and the worship team.

please! don't even begin to buy into this -- the fact is that most churches will suck you dry. a 60-80 hour 'work' week (regardless of whether it's "ministry") is ridiculous - and a 60 hour work week is the norm for "ministry" professionals. you may want to read piper's book: brothers, we are not professionals. his priorities are G-d, his family and then the church. if your relationship and marriage suffers because of his ministry, the priorities are wrong. that's what you need to watch.

sit down together and make a determination that you will only work a specific number of hours in "ministry". ask him to find ways to include you - you are one , after all. make sure you set aside at least one evening that is just for you as a couple that has nothing to do with "ministry". protect your marriage - set aside time that is yours and yours alone. set aside a day of rest. and when he vents, don't feed it too long -- make sure he deals with his issues with the senior pastor and other leaders in the house -- don't pick up his offenses when he gets them but make sure he keeps his relationships "right".

and good luck...



buckifn -> RE: advice to a future worship pastors wife (4/28/2008 8:13:06 AM)

What exactly is required of a "worship pastor"...how many services does your church have, and how many minutes of that service is devoted to worship?



Szaftoo -> RE: advice to a future worship pastors wife (4/28/2008 9:44:55 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: techne

quote:

ORIGINAL: Szaftoo
I am not a pastor's wife, however, I think being supportive is very important. He will have long and sometimes odd hours so you need to be flexible. He may be frustrated at times, listen to his vents and be loving. Telll him how important he is to both you and your church and pray for him and his ministry every day. Ask the Lord to annoint him and the worship team.

please! don't even begin to buy into this -- the fact is that most churches will suck you dry. a 60-80 hour 'work' week (regardless of whether it's "ministry") is ridiculous - and a 60 hour work week is the norm for "ministry" professionals. you may want to read piper's book: brothers, we are not professionals. his priorities are G-d, his family and then the church. if your relationship and marriage suffers because of his ministry, the priorities are wrong. that's what you need to watch.

sit down together and make a determination that you will only work a specific number of hours in "ministry". ask him to find ways to include you - you are one , after all. make sure you set aside at least one evening that is just for you as a couple that has nothing to do with "ministry". protect your marriage - set aside time that is yours and yours alone. set aside a day of rest. and when he vents, don't feed it too long -- make sure he deals with his issues with the senior pastor and other leaders in the house -- don't pick up his offenses when he gets them but make sure he keeps his relationships "right".

and good luck...


In all due respect, I never said "60 to 80" work weeks, that would obviously be a challenge for any marriage. I said long hours which could be on Sundays or during their times of worship. There could be long hours during holidays or special performances. Odd hours are those hours not in the normal 9 to 5.

Kim God bless you and your husband for your service.



techne -> RE: advice to a future worship pastors wife (4/28/2008 10:25:10 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Szaftoo
quote:

ORIGINAL: techne
please! don't even begin to buy into this -- the fact is that most churches will suck you dry. a 60-80 hour 'work' week (regardless of whether it's "ministry") is ridiculous - and a 60 hour work week is the norm for "ministry" professionals. you may want to read piper's book: brothers, we are not professionals. his priorities are G-d, his family and then the church. if your relationship and marriage suffers because of his ministry, the priorities are wrong. that's what you need to watch.

sit down together and make a determination that you will only work a specific number of hours in "ministry". ask him to find ways to include you - you are one , after all. make sure you set aside at least one evening that is just for you as a couple that has nothing to do with "ministry". protect your marriage - set aside time that is yours and yours alone. set aside a day of rest. and when he vents, don't feed it too long -- make sure he deals with his issues with the senior pastor and other leaders in the house -- don't pick up his offenses when he gets them but make sure he keeps his relationships "right".

and good luck...


In all due respect, I never said "60 to 80" work weeks, that would obviously be a challenge for any marriage. I said long hours which could be on Sundays or during their times of worship. There could be long hours during holidays or special performances. Odd hours are those hours not in the normal 9 to 5.

with all due respect, i didn't say you said "60-80" -- i was simply referring to statistics about the average work week for "full-time church ministry". i have numerous friends in leadership positions in various streams of christianity, and the demands and expectations of 60-80 work weeks is very real. between "office hours", weekends, eveing meetings and counselling, it's very easy to suddenly find yourself absorbed in "ministry" and neglecting your marriage and family, and even yourself. that's why the statistics for burnout and moral failures are so high - priorities are [too] often out of whack. but perhaps that's a north american thing...

in any case, i will stick to my guns. protect your time. agree on seasons of busy-ness so that you can be accountable to each other and guard your marriage and your time together.



small_creation -> RE: advice to a future worship pastors wife (4/28/2008 11:36:46 AM)

Please people, don't you see this is how quarrels arise? Address the question and not each other's responses to the question. Take a look...are you really promoting unity, charity or surrender with your posts?

j



zmanfan38 -> RE: advice to a future worship pastors wife (4/28/2008 2:30:05 PM)

j - thank you...I agree.


Kim Q, I saw the title of your thread and felt a tug at my heart and I just had to come in and give you encouragement.

My husband has served as Worship Leader at 2 different churches. It was a wonderful learning experience for us and I'm sure it's a role we will fill again. It is a family thing for sure. Your hubby will need to bounce his ideas off of you and you may do some administrative things to help him out (maybe, I did anyway).

You are right. There can be some long hours during special seasons (Christmas, Easter, contadas etc.), but in our situation, there were never any days or weeks that were overwhelming.

You may be in a very different place in your life, but the fact that we have a small child and that our former church where he served didn't have any kind of children's program was the reason he resigned. Children were not a priority at this church and it made me unable to attend choir practice because my daughter had nowhere to go. I was unable to be involved at all at this last church. My husband did/does have his priorities in order. He told the pastor that although he dearly loved his ministry at the church, he had a greater responsibility to his family. The fact that there was nothing for children there meant that I didn't even get to attend church. My daughter would get to "antsy"[;)] and disruptive during the first 15 minutes of the service and I spent every Sunday roaming the halls with her trying to be quiet.

Not sure why I wrote all of that.[8D] Thanks for listening though.[:D]

Anyway, enjoy your ministry. You are a huge part of what your husband has been led to do! I'm sure I'll post to you again. Gonna collect my thoughts and memories and get back to you a little later today or tomorrow.

God bless your family and your new ministry!



ladyingrace1979 -> RE: advice to a future worship pastors wife (4/28/2008 8:38:30 PM)

Christi,

Thanks for your responce. It's good to hear from someone who isn't doom and gloom.

One more question, my gifts are not in music. I will probably help help him with some of the other aspects of ministry. How will that play out in a church? Is it expected that I also be in music ministry?

Kim Q



zmanfan38 -> RE: advice to a future worship pastors wife (4/28/2008 10:20:46 PM)

Kim,

I wouldn't think that you'd need to be gifted musically to be a great help to him. I happen to play an instrument (flute) and sing (we sing specials as a duet, trio, quartet...whatever), but there are other things you can do for sure.

One thing I was able to do that just isn't his "thing" at all was the computer work. He needed words to songs typed up and copied for rehearsal. We also had a neat computer program at the church where you could remotely email the words to the songs, praise choruses, whatever to the computer at the church during the week. That computer was connected somehow to the projector and those words would be projected onto the wall for the congregation and choir. I would email the songs for Sunday to the church from home at night in my pajamas.[:D]

I was also able to help him with finding songs online. He'd get word from the pastor that he'd be doing a sermon series in the near future on (fill in the blank), and I'd find songs that fit the subject he would be preaching on and order sheet music or download the lyrics or whatever he needed that was available.

Another thing that you might be able to learn or help with is the sound board. If there isn't already somebody doing that or if they need extra help, you would know your hubby's signals better than anyone else (especially at first).

He'll also need a "runner". My hubby was always saying he had left a CD or book or sheet music in the choir room or something. A few times during practice a song would come to mind that he had not planned on practicing and he'd ask me to get the materials for everybody.

You'll find that because you two are a pair and in this together, there are so many things you can do to help. You don't have to be a singer to be what he'll need you to be. God has equipped you with whatever you'll need to be in this ministry that He has placed you and your husband in.

Can you think of any other questions? I feel really blessed to be able to encourage you and my mind is racing with stuff, but I wonder what questions you have specifically. If there are any details you'd rather not share in this public forum, you can PM me.

I'm really excited for the two of you!



hjemerson -> RE: advice to a future worship pastors wife (4/29/2008 8:47:17 AM)

I am a mate to a worship leader ft and pt I love the ideal "s Zman gives you, we have been thue many times were I listen and just support then again I jummped in and help with all the extra thngs that needed to be done (I am not Musical in any way) I have kept the babaies, etc,made copies etc. for the choir practure and service so other can take part . That is what service is all about, It will be ups and down in your life of service but a blessing are great. You need tp protect you marrage yes have time for each other and children as they come. Please have a open heart you are part of his team and one of the most important. If he does not have a happy supported home base He will have aVery Hard time in service, I hope the school you will leaving you have made some strong friends they will be a great help as you start out in this serivce and keep in touch, We just retruned to college a few years ago and complete a degree after many years of service. God bless as you two start out!



Szaftoo -> RE: advice to a future worship pastors wife (4/29/2008 9:01:30 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: small_creation

Please people, don't you see this is how quarrels arise? Address the question and not each other's responses to the question. Take a look...are you really promoting unity, charity or surrender with your posts?



J, you are absolutely right and I sincerely apologize for going off topic. The OP deserved more from me as a member and I will bow out of this discussion. Thanks for the kindly reminder.



buckifn -> RE: advice to a future worship pastors wife (4/29/2008 9:57:27 AM)

I have never heard of a church having a worship pastor. But I would think that the best gift you can give your husband and the church is love God love each other and pray always.



techne -> RE: advice to a future worship pastors wife (4/29/2008 10:36:08 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Szaftoo
quote:

ORIGINAL: small_creation
Please people, don't you see this is how quarrels arise? Address the question and not each other's responses to the question. Take a look...are you really promoting unity, charity or surrender with your posts?

J, you are absolutely right and I sincerely apologize for going off topic. The OP deserved more from me as a member and I will bow out of this discussion. Thanks for the kindly reminder.

there's no need for you to bow out - what you offered was perfectly acceptable.



pstrdebi -> RE: advice to a future worship pastors wife (4/29/2008 7:40:40 PM)

Hi lady...

Wow... sounds like Techne has had some tough times... however, don't let that scare you. He is correct as he refers to "some churches"... I have seen that before, unfortunatly. (Sorry Techne for what you've gone through.)

As a pastor and a pastor's wife I can tell you that the most important thing you can do for your husband is to be in constant prayer for him.

1st let me say that whether you are a pastor, a pastors wife, or a member of the congregation... your 1st priority is God... to serve Him with your whole heart. If this is your husbands calling, then he first belongs to God... as do you. Again, even if your husband is a Christian street sweeper... your marriage should have order... God, Jesus, Man, Woman (1 Cor. 11:3).

This is not to say that the church should take advantage of him or you or your family. However, in the beginning, he will probably need to put in extra time as he gets everything in order.

Yes... there will be long hours... and there will be opposition (sadly). Before I was a pastor and a pastor's wife... I worked AV in the sound room... a part of the worship team. Our poor worship pastor was always under critism for something... "the songs are too loud... the songs are too youth oriented... not enough hymns." The poor guy... and he did not receive the back-up he needed from the church leaders. Every time someone barked... they ran to him with the complaints. This was a multi-talented Worship PASTOR... who wrote many songs and truly led the people into worship (those who were willing to go). Unfortunately, he ended up leaving because of the pressures he felt he was under.

I'm not saying this to scare you... I'm telling you this so you will know how to pray. Pray for your church leaders to support him and his decissions. Pray for the people to enter into worship with an open mind and heart. Pray for your husband to be strong and couragous... and for him to listen to the Holy Spirit... not man.

Pray for yourself also... as you too will bear the burden of gossip, etc. And the hugest (yes, I said hugest... I like that word!) thing to remember is... your fight will not be against flesh... but against the enemy... he hates worship. You must know that opposission will come. But if you are prepared and in prayer... the enemy can not stand!

God bless you both... I will keep you in prayer!
Pastor Debi



ladyingrace1979 -> RE: advice to a future worship pastors wife (4/29/2008 8:45:09 PM)

Dear Debi,

Thank you for your comments and most of all your prayers. I so see what you are talking about with criticism of the worship pastor or any other pastor. I think that is one of my fears for my husband as he tends to take criticism very personally.

I believe you are right about the attacks of the enemy. I believe we have already suffered some of this in the form of trial and opposition. Unfortunately one of the sourses of opposition is our current worship pastor.

It is so sad that style of music and other grumbling issues divide churches. I think my senior pastor said it best. In God's songbook, the Psalms, there are no notes or musical instructions. So maybe God doesn't really care about style.

Thank you for your advice and prayers,
Kim Q



techne -> RE: advice to a future worship pastors wife (4/29/2008 10:29:24 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: pstrdebi
Wow... sounds like Techne has had some tough times... however, don't let that scare you. He is correct as he refers to "some churches"... I have seen that before, unfortunatly. (Sorry Techne for what you've gone through.)

thank you, but i'm fine -- just being honest and practical. i have seen far too many people/ pastors (worship or otherwise) work themselves ragged as part of their ministry/ serving the church. and that is also not to say that they weren't generally (or occasionally) happy about it -- they were using their gifts, walking in their calling and had some very fruitful and encouraging relationships. sometimes i think that is one of the most dangerous parts of "being in the ministry": if we're busy, it's G-d. at least we're serving. we're being obedient.

but perhaps it's simply a matter of perspective. as well, it's a simple matter of statistics. it isn't simply a matter of certain seasons being busy - pastors are always busy. and some seasons are even busier than "always busy".

...but maybe things are different in whatever stream you're in.

quote:

ORIGINAL: pstrdebi
This is not to say that the church should take advantage of him or you or your family. However, in the beginning, he will probably need to put in extra time as he gets everything in order.

well, that was my point (just poorly worded, evidently). churches often have expectations; and those expectations mean that there are certain events (both special and general), activities, and other things that will be involved. and that is besides the office work week and sundays.

certainly, initially, there will be extra time required to "gain his footing", but i would set a time period for that as well. the main issues will be (or should be, in my opinion) developing relationship with the pastoral team and getting a feel for the congregation (which you should get from spending time with the pastor and elders) rather than administrative tasks. i would hope that the previous worship pastor had developed some systems and structures to facilitate those aspects of his job. after all, shouldn't the worship pastor's job be about developing worshippers (and by that i mean congregationally, not necessarily ministry positions)?

i'm curious, has the OP and their hubby ever attended this church previous to their appointment? are you familiar with the church and congregation at all? i know that in churches i have been a part of, leadership wasn't chosen without determining how well they fit the "flavour" of the church, what their character and personality were like, and how the congregation responded to how they did their thang (whether preaching or leading worship).

quote:

ORIGINAL: pstrdebi
Yes... there will be long hours... and there will be opposition (sadly). Before I was a pastor and a pastor's wife... I worked AV in the sound room... a part of the worship team. Our poor worship pastor was always under critism for something... "the songs are too loud... the songs are too youth oriented... not enough hymns." The poor guy... and he did not receive the back-up he needed from the church leaders. Every time someone barked... they ran to him with the complaints. This was a multi-talented Worship PASTOR... who wrote many songs and truly led the people into worship (those who were willing to go). Unfortunately, he ended up leaving because of the pressures he felt he was under.

well, that's the nature of leadership. [&:] the issue is how one deals with it and the crucial ingredient for that is the pastoral team and how strong they are - how much they are convinced of, and committed to, the vision they feel G-d has for that congregation.

quote:

ORIGINAL: pstrdebi
I'm not saying this to scare you... I'm telling you this so you will know how to pray. Pray for your church leaders to support him and his decissions. Pray for the people to enter into worship with an open mind and heart. Pray for your husband to be strong and couragous... and for him to listen to the Holy Spirit... not man.

amen!

quote:

ORIGINAL: pstrdebi
Pray for yourself also... as you too will bear the burden of gossip, etc. And the hugest (yes, I said hugest... I like that word!) thing to remember is... your fight will not be against flesh... but against the enemy... he hates worship. You must know that opposission will come. But if you are prepared and in prayer... the enemy can not stand!

amen. (again)



ladyingrace1979 -> RE: advice to a future worship pastors wife (4/30/2008 12:06:05 PM)

In reading the responces I think I may have confused you all a little bit. My husband is in college with a duel major of music and contemporary christian ministries. When he graduates we will be pursuing a job as a worship pastor. We have both been Christians for close to 30 years and very active in our church, but sadly we probably will not be called there.

As far as the whole time issue, you all are right that is the biggest issue for pastors and families. Unfortunately many congregations expect to be served by the pastoral staff rather than being led by the pastors. In my opinion the job of the pastor is to teach, train and lead. He should be a resourse but not the only one doing the work.

And yes the attacks by the enemy are coming on more as we get closer to the end of school.

Thank you all for responces, I see no reason for anyone to bow out, O.K.
Kim Q



pstrdebi -> RE: advice to a future worship pastors wife (5/1/2008 1:15:51 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: techne

thank you, but i'm fine -- just being honest and practical. i have seen far too many people/ pastors (worship or otherwise) work themselves ragged as part of their ministry/ serving the church. and that is also not to say that they weren't generally (or occasionally) happy about it -- they were using their gifts, walking in their calling and had some very fruitful and encouraging relationships. sometimes i think that is one of the most dangerous parts of "being in the ministry": if we're busy, it's G-d. at least we're serving. we're being obedient.

**************************************************************************************

I'm glad that you are ok... I'll tell ya'... ministry can really knock the wind of a person sometimes. Whats that old saying... something about "Christian's shooting thier own..."

Anyways... there is a little book called "The Shepherds Way" or maybe it's "The Way of the Shepherd." A very simple little book about leadership. I think every single person in leadership should read it.

My husband and I look at shepherding our flock like this: We know what God expects of us... and we know what we wouldn't want in a leader... so we don't go there. We have been beat up way too many times and wouldn't think of putting someone in that position.

We treasure those who volunteer or minister.... knowing that thier time is valuable, we consider the time they give us as a tithe or offering.

God bless you...
Pastor Debi



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