Marriage Dilemma (Full Version)

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imageoftheinvisible -> Marriage Dilemma (4/28/2008 10:44:06 PM)

I have been married for five years and my wife is currently pregnant with our second child. Our marriage started off fantastic; however, the last two years have been hard. We seem to argue over anything that we can argue about, and my wife will say rude and hurtful things to me and I will respond to her with sarcasm. My wife threatens divorce when the argument does not go her way. You name it, it has probably been said in one of our arguments.

I work as a counselor and some weeks are worse than others. I work with individuals and families as well as with some difficult issues like abuse (physical, emotional, and sexual) and neglect and just about everything in between. There's not much I haven't heard, which at times can be pretty heavy on my heart, mind, and soul. My wife does not seem to pick up on my cues and expects me to somehow act like I have tons of energy after I work 10 to 12 hours. She is also not very supportive of my job because I have to work hours that are not family friendly.

This brings me to our current argument and I need a fresh perspective from eyes that are not mine. This past weekend, my brother-in-law invited me to watch the NFL Draft at his house. I informed my wife and asked her what she thought about me going. She immediately shut down and gave me the silent treatment. She was offended that I would want to go somewhere or do something that did not include her (I have not done anything outside the home since January). She eventually said, "Do whatever you want" and I chose to go to my brother-in-laws house because I had a feeling I could not win either way. My dilemma is that I feel I not only have to be a husband, but I have to also be my wife's social outlet. She does not have a close friend that she hangs out with. She either is with me or her family. I have tried to encourage her to connect with other women her age at church, but it seems like she is so picky that she does not give anyone a chance. I feel stuck because it angers my wife when I want to do something that does not include her, but I also feel like it is healthy for me to have friends and do things that I enjoy.

What are your suggestions? Please give me a fresh perspective to this situation.



shadowspring -> RE: Marriage Dilemma (4/28/2008 11:07:53 PM)

Knowing the right things to say and do, and saying and doing the right things are very different animals.

If you two are speaking to each other so rudely, I think you should first work on kindness.

You cannot be using words as weapons to hurt each other and expect to have a happy relationship. I know it sounds simplistic, but work on kindness first, and communication will improve between you and your wife.

Then you might actually be able to brainstorm together and work on some solutions to your other problems: her isolation, your long hours.

But until you can start treating each other like you are teammates instead of adversaries, any solutions that might be offered will not be heard. You need to remember to be for each other.

When you can get back to the place where each of you can trust the other and feel safe with the other, then you can discuss the problems you face.

Maybe then counseling, or Marriage Encounter, might be a help. (ME saved our marriage during a time of strife and strain! That was nine years ago. We just celebrated our twenty-first year of marriage, and we are happier than ever! [;)])



Christian30 -> RE: Marriage Dilemma (4/29/2008 12:09:08 AM)

Yours is a tough situation. You need to come to some understanding about what each other needs from the other. Try to lead off some discussion about this when there is not an "issue" that has just happened or in the process of happening... in other words, when the emotional climate between you is more stable and calm.

If I had to guess, she has some resentment that she is not sharing, and needless to say, you need to know what it is if you are goijg to be able to address it. Otherwise, whatever it is will continue. This may not be true, but I would guess it is.

You have a major role as a husband, but you still can't be ALL to your wife. Even if she is an introvert, as my wife is, she still needs friends and social outlets. She needs them with women and you both need them with other couples. I am very much an extrovert, and my wife has learned over the years that I need a tremendous number of people at my life, and at different relationship levels.

I'm wondering though, how was marriage so much better for the first 2 years and now it is so challenging? Make sure you SHOW love to your wife, tell her you love her, verbalize the special things about her, etc. Also, try to not get upset or sarcastic every time she is upset. You can LEAD in this way, which is of course a role of husbands.



UBarW -> RE: Marriage Dilemma (4/29/2008 12:46:00 AM)

I can only comment from my own perspective... Things can be frosty here, too. But-I work at making sure that my wife is Numero Uno at all times. Even when I am not happy with her, its easier to treat her with respect and love when I am remembering that there is no one on this earth more important to me, than her.

I am responsible for me, and how I choose to act. I dont want to be ashamed of myself when I look into the mirror.

Just my .02.



Hislittleone -> RE: Marriage Dilemma (4/29/2008 2:37:42 AM)

quote:

I dont want to be ashamed of myself when I look into the mirror.


Love it! [sm=thumbsup.gif]

quote:

My wife does not seem to pick up on my cues and expects me to somehow act like I have tons of energy after I work 10 to 12 hours. She is also not very supportive of my job because I have to work hours that are not family friendly.


What cues does she not pick up on? And what does she ask of you when you get home from work (help around the house, spend time with her, spend time with your child etc.)?

If your job drains your energy and has hours that are not family friendly perhaps you should consider finding another job. After all, you are a family man, no? I know that's not an easy thing to do but if it's causing a big enough problem in your marriage then it's worth it.

If my husband and I were arguing and he left to go watch the NFL at his bil's house he would not be coming home to a happy wife. By leaving you are essentially saying to her that your problems aren't worth the effort.....that your wants/desires (watching the NFL) are more important.

quote:

I also feel like it is healthy for me to have friends and do things that I enjoy.


When you get married your time is no longer your own. You aren't "your own person" anymore so to speak. The two shall become ONE.... That's not to say that you can't ever go anywhere without her....it's that the overall attitude should be US instead of I.

quote:

I have not done anything outside the home since January).


If you are home all of the time and are going through all the motions of doing the right thing but your heart isn't in it then your wife will sense this and it will bother her. She still won't be happy.

Why are you arguing with your wife? Why not let her win? Just stop arguing with her. Is being right so important?

And why are you sarcastic with her? What does that solve? It will only make a bad situation worse.

Also, your wife is pregnant. She is going through all kinds of changes emotionally and physically. Doesn't sound like (from this post) that you are keeping this in mind and being extra supportive and tender with her. It sounds like you are focused on your needs and wants instead of being focused on filling her needs and desires. God has called you to love her as Christ loves the Church. I would encourage you to consider whether you are truly loving her with unconditional, Christlike love.

Understanding the Mind of a Woman by Ken Nair is a wonderful book for husbands to read. The principles he teaches are making a HUGE difference in my marriage.



3cappuccinosmom -> RE: Marriage Dilemma (4/29/2008 7:30:07 AM)

I agree with the previous posters.

As a wife, I do believe a woman should treat her husband with kindness and respect. However, your wife isn't posting here, so I can't say anything to her.

However, I am married to a man with non-family friendly hours, and I have been pregnant multiple times, and I can tell you that sarcasm and arguing with her, and expecting her to "pick up" nebulous "clues" about your mood are really, really not going to be helpful. My dh used to do that, and for years I interpreted his "cues" as anger and upset directed at me. He never told me that his work was upsetting him, and since I had no way of knowing that, I simply assumed that his grumpy behavior meant he didn't like me. Open communication is a far better option. [&:] I am much, much better able to cope with dh's rough hours when our marriage is in good shape and when we are not arguing and hurting each other.

You cannot change her, but you are responsible for and can change your own behavior. You can choose not to argue. You can choose not to let loose with the biting sarcasm (read the book of James on the subject of an uncontrolled tongue). You can choose to be tender hearted and understanding toward her (especially since she is pregnant and caring for a young child). You can choose her over an NFL game. You can choose to treat her like a queen.



imageoftheinvisible -> RE: Marriage Dilemma (4/29/2008 8:36:39 AM)

Thank you for the responses. Everything said thus far are things I needed to read and hear. I'm going to try and answer some of the questions that were asked so that I can possible receive some more feedback.

Christian30, Early in marriage things were better because I believe we were at a different stage. We got married at the end of our Senior years in college. We moved away to a city where we didn't know anyone and we really had to rely on each other. My wife worked while I went to get my Master's Degree. I was home much more and I had a lot more time to get things done around the house.

HisLittleOne, As far as my cues are concerned, I guess I mean that she does not allow me any time or space to communicate with her when I arrive home. She seems to expect me to jump into happy, husband, family man even if I have had a bad day. She rarely asks me about my day. She usually only tells me how I am failing, what I am doing wrong, etc. I am very much a Word of Affirmation person. I need some supporting and encouraging words. I have expressed this to her countless times and I still feel ignored.
A job change could be in the works, a High School in the area is hiring a counselor. I have really been praying about this opportunity because it would really give me some great hours. Unfortunately, we live in a rural area and there are not too many counselor/therapist jobs available unless I want a one hour commute to one of the bigger cities.
Arguing is really not that important to me. I feel there are times my wife attacks me. I assume because she feels her needs are not being met. I have a bad habit of going on the defensive when she attacks and an argument inevitably follows.

I also wanted to update readers that I tried something out of the ordinary to let her know I am trying and willing to listen. I wrote her a letter and requested that she make a wishlist of things she wants for herself, our marriage, and our family. In the letter, I included my wishist and asked if she would provide me with her own. She read the letter this morning and tossed the letter aside. She said she is tired of hearing the things I requested. For example, "I wish for more encouraging and supportive words." "I wish we would not use rude, sarcastic, or negative words during conflict, but rather draw closer together." I make efforts to communicate to her, to reach out to her, and she normally reacts like this...toss me aside and go back on the attack.



laura... -> RE: Marriage Dilemma (4/29/2008 10:44:11 AM)

quote:

I wrote her a letter and requested that she make a wishlist of things she wants for herself, our marriage, and our family. In the letter, I included my wishist and asked if she would provide me with her own. She read the letter this morning and tossed the letter aside. She said she is tired of hearing the things I requested. For example, "I wish for more encouraging and supportive words." "I wish we would not use rude, sarcastic, or negative words during conflict, but rather draw closer together." I make efforts to communicate to her, to reach out to her, and she normally reacts like this...toss me aside and go back on the attack.


As soon as I read, "I included my wishlist..." I cringed. I pretty much guessed her reaction before I read the rest. It would have been far more likely to have received a better response if you had set aside your need to give your wishlist until after she had given hers.

quote:

married for five years and my wife is currently pregnant with our second child.


Pregnancy hormones are really difficult to deal with. It take at least 2 years after having a baby for those hormones to return to normal. I'm betting it was less than 2 years between pregnancies. Try to remember that. I know it's difficult but try.

quote:

I have not done anything outside the home since January


Every day you leave for work OUTSIDE the home. How long has it been since your wife has done anything outside the home that did not include your child? When was the last time you two went on a date?

quote:

I am very much a Word of Affirmation person. I need some supporting and encouraging words.


What's her love language? Is it physical touch? How often do you hold her and touch her? Is it works of service? How often do you wash dishes, change a diaper, scrub the floor? Is her language quality time? Plan that date night.



pbaribeault -> RE: Marriage Dilemma (4/29/2008 11:36:11 AM)

Friend, your wife is drowning.

Drowning people often latch on to others who try to help them, and in their panic they are strong enough to seriously injure a would-be helper. I know she's hurting you, but you need to set aside the idea of both of you coming to a place of doing better, and instead choose to be the hero.

I can't imagine the damage your "wish list" did to her. I imagine that she sees her whole life is nothing more than a list of other people's needs and wishes -- with far too few check marks. She did not ask you to add to it or make her failings more clear in her own eyes.

If your job genuinely sucks you too dry to fulfill your family's legitimate needs, you need to abandon it. Your covenant to your family comes first, even if that means that mr-counselor-man takes a job at the paper mill to pay the bills while he puts his personal energy towards his first priority. If you think you can manage both your current job and your family well, then make a plan to do that -- a plan that includes self-care AND being extra supportive to your wife who is having the hardest time of her life.

You know what she wants - she wants you to arrive home ready for action. You, on the other hand feel the need for a 'breather' -- now dive into the details: How long of a breather? To do what kind of things? How will you know when that need is satisfied?

Since you work irregular hours, why not build your 'breather' into the end of your work day, rather than the beginning of your family time? It is a legitimate part of 'being still at work' to take 10 minutes to relax in your office, walk around the block, stop at a gym, library or coffee shop. You are still "working", your work day just now includes a winding-down period. She doesn't need to know that you are not rushing home as soon as you can - you ARE rushing home as soon as you can, without arriving in such a state that erodes your marriage. This practice concludes your work day and turns you back into a human being, ready for action on the home front.

If you arrive home with a, "Hi honey, I love you both, and I'm glad to be here." You might at least get a smile or maybe a kiss if you initiate... possibly even a positive word or two from her, just as a return-phrase.

Then you immediately (after putting your coat & gear AWAY) ask her, "Would you rather I engage myself with little Joey, or would you rather I take care of anything else first? Do you want me to make dinner? Or is there something you were hoping I could tend to? Do you need to go out for something? I could just stay here with Joey if you like." This is best if you don't already have a clear sense of her routine, or an idea some things that you kind-of know she would like you to do.

If she asks you to engage yourself with the child, consider taking him/her out of the house to play in the yard or for a walk (or at least take him/her to a different room). This can become a very relieving routine, because she can all day long depend on the idea that you WILL get home and she WILL have some time to catch her breath, gather herself and become a human being again too.

It's a good idea to put some effort into memorizing the various places you might find the things you need to do whatever you set out to do, so that you are not asking so many questions that she would rather do things herself. If she tells you what to do, consider it advice (even if it sounds like barking orders) and assume she knows what she is talking about, so just do it and thank her for trying to make it easy for you.

As you get a sense of what she usually shoves in your direction, you will be able to do this without asking her what she wants. As in, "Hi honey, I love you both, and I'm glad to be here. I'll just nab the garbage and load the dishwasher, then I think I'll play puzzles with Joey, if that suits you."

Now, once she gets used to this, it will begin to provide her a sense of security, a sense of dignity and personal value, and a good model for positive conversation. She might begin to settle down (but maybe not, considering the pregnancy hormone cocktail that tends to skew her viewpoint at this time).

Once in a while, it's fine to say, "Hi honey, I love you both, and I'm glad to be here. I've had a wicked-hard day and am just beat. I'm just not up to doing what I wish I could this evening. I'm going to put on a video and sit with Joey - is there anything really pressing that you need from me before I shut down?"

When you want to go out or spend some time with friends, I think you might start with something like, "How have you been feeling the last few days? Are we doing well? Have you been seeing me around enough? Do you feel secure and happy?" If you get a 'negatory' response, abandon your idea without even mentioning it, and ask her what you can do to help, what she's been imagining or looking forward to. If you get a positive sense, you can continue "Because I have an opportunity to do something for a few hours on Saturday afternoon, just for me, just for fun. You know I'd never put my personal recreation ahead of you-and-me, but if you're doing well and it wouldn't bother you, I'd sure like to go out."

And, of course, apologize for your sins against her during your conflicts. (Yes, treating someone without dignity is a sin, especially within a covenant where you promised to honour and cherish her.) State and show true repentance and work to get rid of this behaviour as quickly and thoroughly as possible.



Auben -> RE: Marriage Dilemma (4/29/2008 12:15:07 PM)

I sympathize with you. It is important that you have time to unwind, words of affirmation, and outside interests.

However, as a SAHM I can immediately read this situation and see where it is not working.

Everything your wife is doing, everything she is saying or not saying is deeply related to her own well-being at this moment. It's not good. She's not feeling balanced. She's feeling a great deal of frustration. As frustrated as you feel I can promise that she feels worse right now.
This is goes beyond a band-aid cure of her making a few friends at church.

What your wife needs is a set time away from your child and the house. Imagine always being at work and never leaving. Even if it was the greatest and easiest job in the world it would get tiresome. The constant responsibility of another person is one of the most exhausting jobs in the world. I've worked 16 hours a day, 6 days a week before and it still doesn't compare. She needs some time expressing a hobby or interest of her own. She needs to be learning and growing as a person.

Unfortunately, its often the family's life situation which keep these things from happening. She may not feel that she can leave the children (too young) or that there's nothing to do when you are home (if you have an odd schedule) or that she's too tired or even that you won't pick up the slack if she leaves. She feels stuck but she also feels jealous of your work outside the home and your ability to leave on a whim. Its not that she doesn't want you to go. She wishes her life had the same amount of freedom.

I want to encourage you to stop thinking of your own needs...for a time. I think they need to be addressed but I think your wife's needs are more desperate at the moment. Your letter proves this point. Laura is right on this one. Here are some things you can try.


Consider working one less evening per week.

Sit down and make a list of your wife's interests, goals, and hobbies (that you know of). Take note of the ones that she hasn't been able to pursue in the last few years. Perhaps make a gift of something she could use toward one of these hobbies or research a class she can take. Talk to her about her interests on a regular basis. Think about what's appropriate to her situation. If jogging is too much right now then perhaps she'd like to take up scrapbooking.

Tell her you'd like to schedule a regular time you can be home with your child while she has some time off. During this time off she should not be expected to do errands or other home things (although if it makes it easier for her to go she can). Ask her if there is a class she'd like to take at the local community college or a bible study she'd like to go to.

If you are home at a set time each day (say mornings) talk about instituting a morning walk or swim at the YMCA (many of them also have child care so you can excersize together). Movement, even if its something small, can really help attitude.

Read a book together at bedtime or do a Bible study together.

Ask her what she learned each day. Listen to her rant when you come home. Sometimes she needs to get over her day as well. While you being quiet helps you get over your day, she may need to talk it out of her system. Both your needs are important but she may not be able to wait very long in her condition. Try to do a trade off. Take turns listening and holding her and then taking your 20 minutes to unwind (and then do the opposite). See which works better for your marriage.

Realize that pregnancy keeps a woman's body and emotions off-balance. Its a season. Even very reasonable women (like me for instance [;)] ) will react in unpredictable ways to the force of hormones going through their body. Try not to take it too personally. Also, realize that every pregnancy is different. Even if her last pregnancy was very mild and she was very happy and healthy, this one may be more difficult. Its very hard to express how that feels to your husband. Men have a hard time understanding something they can't experience and women may feel they are complaining too much. Holding it in can make things worse.

When this time is over and things are more equatable I think you are right in bringing up all of your needs. What I'm hoping is that once her needs are met your wife will be healthy enough to give you the space and affirmation you need without a discussion. Certainly she will be more receptive then.



ladyingrace1979 -> RE: Marriage Dilemma (4/29/2008 12:43:56 PM)

From what you have told us it sounds like you are doing everything possible to make things better. I can only go by what you have said because she is not here. It seems to me that you are not the issue. I am assuming your wife knew what type of career you were going into and how emotionally draining it could be.

I hate to say it say it but at this point she is the issue, all you can do is pray and respond with love and kindness. It will take God's strength. I am promising right here to pray for you and for her.

Kim Q



shadowspring -> RE: Marriage Dilemma (4/29/2008 1:16:14 PM)

quote:

For example, "I wish for more encouraging and supportive words." "I wish we would not use rude, sarcastic, or negative words during conflict, but rather draw closer together." I make efforts to communicate to her, to reach out to her, and she normally reacts like this...toss me aside and go back on the attack.


Take this list for yourself.

You don't use rude, sarcastic or negative words.

You choose to keep reaching out in love in the spite of rejection.

I do strongly recommend a Marriage Encounter weekend and I'll give you my reasons:

1) You will have to find childcare for the weekend and no excuses, whatever the cost. They very act of doing this will tell your wife you care and are serious about fixing your relationship.

2) ME Is highly structured. It allows plenty of time alone to communicate, but not so much that you can get stuck in an unresolvable argument.

I'm not supposed to give away too much, but trust me, when you are stuck in such an argumentative rut (as we were) you don't need to sit in lectures all day and then (tired and cranky) have time to argue about who should change what all night.

3) ME will help you to focus on what is unique and special about your beloved, and what attracted you to one another in the first place.

I know it doesn't work for everyone, but it made a huge difference for us. So focus on you yourself being kind, tender-hearted and forgiving. And google Marriage Encounter Weekend for your state and see what pops up.

Your marriage sounds like ours, while hubby was in a demanding job and I was left at home with small children a lot. He quit traveling at the time, which was a great start. But the habits and heart-aches had built up, and while we were together more we were still at each other's throats.

My dh signed us up for an ME weekend. I was so bitter, I not only almost didn't go, I tried to get out of the car and walk home about halfway there! I went out of obedience to God only. At the time I felt it was hopeless.

ME weekend helped a lot, but more than that it gave us new tools to communicate. And I was convicted about true forgiveness and trusting again that weekend.

We took the 50-day guarantee, and have never regretted it. [:D]



evryknee -> RE: Marriage Dilemma (4/29/2008 1:21:20 PM)

Image,

I understand the struggles with the job and the toll it can take on a person, and sometimes a marriage. The thing I noticed most about all the posts (and yours) is that it seems that 1) you're in a lot of pain; 2) are trying to get your "needs" met ; and 3) the posts are trying to help you to focus on her "needs". Generally speaking, when we focus on meeting our own needs, and esp. when both people are focused on meeting their own needs, their love is more directed towards self, than the other. So, I think the focus of the above posts are in the right direction.

At the same time, I think it is important that you know that you get kudos for trying to work on the marriage. Although humbling, have you considered going to a marriage counselor?

I Peter talks about living with your wives in an understanding way - so this would be the first thoughts: to understand what she is thinking/feeling, etc. Pb mentioned your wife is drowning - That could be - but why is she drowning? What's going on in that heart of hers? It also sounds like you may be drowning, too.

I wonder if there are certain needs that you are both expecting the other person to fill, but the other person cannot fill because they were not designed to do so (ie. value, worth, purpose, etc.) - but only God can - Just a thought. Feel free to pm me.



schupfNoodle -> RE: Marriage Dilemma (4/29/2008 5:08:31 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: imageoftheinvisible

(I have not done anything outside the home since January).


Yes, it is healthy for both of you to have a break.

Maybe somebody has mentioned this already but you guys need to go out on a date without your child. Just the two of you or just you and your hobby. Go biking, let her go shopping. Have dinner with friends.

We have a 14-month-old son and I'm not pregnant but I still go crazy just staying at home most of the time taking care of an active boy and trying to keep the house clean and doing all these little projects at home. From the time my son wakes up till he sleeps I don't get a chance to sit down unless I'm feeding him or waiting for him to fall asleep.

I'm glad to have some quiet time that waiting for hours at the pedia feels like heaven.



Hislittleone -> RE: Marriage Dilemma (4/29/2008 5:27:03 PM)

quote:

I wrote her a letter and requested that she make a wishlist of things she wants for herself, our marriage, and our family. In the letter, I included my wishist and asked if she would provide me with her own. She read the letter this morning and tossed the letter aside.


Even before I read what she did with the letter I knew her response to it wouldn't be good. There's a lot of concern in your posts about YOUR wants/needs and not so much concern coming across about HER wants/needs. You're coming across here as being self-centered instead of Christlike and focusing on what is best for your wife.

You keep doing things (arguing, sarcasm, doing stuff YOU want regardless of her (NFL), writing a letter to a hurt/angry wife telling her what YOUR needs/wants are) like that and you are going to keep getting negative responses from her. INITIATE POSITIVE actions (you be nice first and stay nice no matter what she does/says) and she will at some point begin to RESPOND POSITIVELY to you. That's what it means to be a LEADER.

Jesus didn't give us a list of ways to make Him happier before He loved us.......died for us. Agape love means loving with NO CONDITIONS. That list you gave your wife was like a list of conditions. Afterall, deep down, wasn't it meant to imply that she has to do her part before you will do yours?

I am not surprised at all that your wife is behaving the way she is. She's not a happy wife and you're not doing anything to change that. Want to change the way she acts towards you? Read that book I recommended and apply what it teaches to your marriage. In time, with consistency on your part, it will make a difference.



tiffywal -> RE: Marriage Dilemma (4/29/2008 6:23:05 PM)

It is hard being married, but even harder when the communication breaks down. Your job is sort of like my DH being in the military. I say this because he had non-family hours (worked all the time), he was out to sea all the time and we spent more time apart then we did together. He would come home after working like 18hrs and just needed like 10mins to unwind. My loneliness would not allow him that time. We argued almost everyday for no real reason. Until one day, I realized that our communication with one another was out the window. We began to talk, I mean really talk. Everything was laid out on the table, even the hurtful stuff. It helped.

DOn't epect your wife to read your mind. Tell her how you feel and allow her to vent her emotions to you. Lay it all on the table. Then the two of you can began to heal together. Leaving to go to that NFL draft was probably not the right thing to do but I can understand why you did. My DH and I are always together (now he is on shore duty has more time at home) so it is understandable when he needs a little time to himself. Maybe you can help here socialize with other women, don't expect her to dive in alone. My last advice to you is pray. Pray for her, pray together.

God bless



blessednw -> RE: Marriage Dilemma (4/29/2008 6:46:44 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: imageoftheinvisible

I have been married for five years and my wife is currently pregnant with our second child. Our marriage started off fantastic; however, the last two years have been hard. We seem to argue over anything that we can argue about, and my wife will say rude and hurtful things to me and I will respond to her with sarcasm. My wife threatens divorce when the argument does not go her way. You name it, it has probably been said in one of our arguments.



I have read this thread. I have not heard anyone mention spiritual warfare, so I'll bring it up.

You have an enemy. He hates you. He hates your marriage and your kids, born and unborn, cuz he hates God and all that gives Him glory. And your marriage, and family, are designed by God to be a place where His Kingdom expands, and children are protected and taught to walk with and serve God, for His glory.

Your adversary will use you and your wife to build up a tolerance for unresolved offenses and then build walls. Your work as a counselor should confirm this. You probably see the enemy's handiwork everyday.

So I suggest you begin to pray, a lot. TALK to God about your concerns and fears. Talk to Him about your needs. Ask Him to give you HIs own empowerment to give what is your duty to your wife, and to meet you where you are at. Ask for His help to lead your family while your wife is in a delicate physical condition.

He can meet your needs, even if your wife is not doing that. He has promised to give us peace, when we bring things to Him, and in gratitude let our needs be made known. His promise is that He can take care of his own, even if their loved ones are not doing what they're supposed to. That flies against humanistic thinking, but we are called to walk in ways that the world knows not.

This is what the Bible says about overcoming evil:
If you resist the devil, he will flee.

How? By rejecting lies. What lies? That divorce is an option. That you have "rights" that you can demand. In Christ, we give our rights to God and we look to Him to provide what we need. He is the judge. He allows us to suffer at times for a greater good. We may have to trust Him with needs we feel, but cannot demand of another. We may have to be lonely for a while, whilst we start to do the right thing even if it isn't natural. We may have to endure hardship.

Your flesh and your wife's flesh are the tools the enemy will use to stumble you into offense and resentment. Unchecked resentment grows into a hardened heart, which grows into hatred. That is the root of why most people "resign" themselves to divorce. Jesus called justification for divorce a hardened heart. Believe me, the enemy of your soul is after the heart of a person, to divert it to selfishness, and so, to leave the path of walking with God.

I encourage you to pick up your Bible and study it seriously, as a hungry student, and seek out all that God has said about marriage and about the "one another"s. Look for what He wants you to do, in order to get free from the culture's mindset of "what about my needs?" This mindset is at the bottom of most unreconciled marriages, and it may sound good on the surface, but it is rooted in unbelief, control and selfishness. It is the heart of humanism. It is in conflict with a sacrificial type of love, which is the kind that God shows us that while we were yet sinners, Christ died for us.

It is good to know about hormones, cycles, tiredness, burnout. You and her are weaker because of these things so you are more of a target. But it will not change motives and hearts to make one more giving and full of the fruit of the Spirit just to know basic human needs. That comes from a deep and abiding walk with the Lord. He has all you need to overcome in your present difficulty. He is able to love when we are unloving, He will give us power to love even when others don't 'deserve' it.



imageoftheinvisible -> RE: Marriage Dilemma (4/30/2008 12:03:47 AM)

Thank you to everyone that has read this post and responded. I have read all of your responses. Your words have helped to open my eyes to several areas of my life. You have also provided me with encouragement to try even harder for my wife and my marriage.

I think I must have given a few of you the impression that I do not help my wife around the house. I want you to know that I do more than my fair share. My wife can probably count on one hand the number of times she has done dishes in our marriage because that is the one thing she hates to do and I volunteered to do it just so she would not have to worry about it. Every week, we clean the house together. Meaning, I vacuum, dust, all of that good stuff. My wife also works outside the home. It just so happens that I go to work an hour after she does only to return home two to three hours after she does.

I think I got swept up into a big ol' nasty pity party. I had an extremely tough week at work and really needed a day away from the house. My wife had other plans for us, which caused a big conflict.

Tonight, I sat down with my wife and we talked. I listen to her, I answered her questions and I told her again how stressful things at work are and how I need support from her. We had a really good talk and then I asked if I could pray for us and we prayed together. I think this thread helped give me the perspective I needed to focus on what is important in my life...God and my wife, and not worry about the distractions (work, NFL Drafts, etc.)

Thanks again to all who posted. If you have any additional comments or feedback, I would love to hear from you.



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