Am I a typical man? (Full Version)

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AslansChild -> Am I a typical man? (4/29/2008 2:17:08 PM)

I didn't want to hijack a post so I started this one. I started my post in the 7 year itch post with this title. But I wonder if I am in the higher % of Christian men. Here is my story. As I said in the other post I dated...alot before I was married and while I did not "go all the way" with every girl I did slip up once. I also had my fair share of exposure to "P" and to this day have to check myself as my eyes and thoughts wander. My expectations from the beginning of marrige were that the intamacy would be a daily occurence. Well it was for the first few months but over the past 18 years it has become less and less. Here is my assessment of why and I would appreciate feedback. The kids came which caused a situation that we no longer had privacy and the fear of being "caught/interupted". She gained weight (she now weighs more than me). My expectations were not fulfilled as time passed so I lost interest. Her expectations for the "process" took over as it took longer for her to get in the mood and by the time she was ready I lost interest. Now this all probably sounds caulous and un-christian. Some of you may be thinking where is your compassion, your unconditional love. Well it is there, but the fire, the passion, the desire is gone and I have resigned to live with the fact that the expectations I set were realized in the first few years and from there until... God will provide the love we will need to continue but the passion is gone. I would appreciate any advice on how to rekindle, how to encourage, or how to accept my wife in her current physical state as a desirable woman. I think the question makes sense.



beauregarde -> RE: Am I a typical man? (4/29/2008 2:50:07 PM)

Typical - Likely

I think all have masterbated.
Most have seen porn.
Many have had sex before marraige.
Early on, daily sex was a part of married life for men.
We do have kids, they consume energy, tiredness contributes to lack of interest - and yes, women, like men, typically gain weight.

Our expectations for sex cannot be what they were when first married, I think that passion or lust or sex drive is legitimately diminished after 18 years of marraige.

The question truly is how to rekindle.

(all for now).



DaveW -> RE: Am I a typical man? (4/29/2008 3:25:15 PM)

Yeah probably pretty typical.

As bg said, we all did the big M and looked at the P. Some of us got really hung up on it.

As we (and our wives) get older those hormones slack off, esp after a weight gain. (one reason why a lot of guys get ED) The fat cells burn up testosterone.

And yeah - we are all tired.



D3DO -> RE: Am I a typical man? (5/7/2008 12:29:39 AM)

Yes you are a typical guy- all Christian guys ASSUME that marriage is going to be this sexual paradise, in reality, it isn't and you realize-marriage is work.

I feel for you- I do not want to loose the passion for my wife, and have felt it wax/wane in the past. It is a weird feeling when the passion cools for someone you love so much. But you are not always going to be super passionate for your wife, as life changes and looks change, so does the passion. THis is a season in your life/marriage. It is not a season I recommend WAITING for change, as likely, something or someone else will stir your passion/interest, the season will change and it will likely be to a very cold season, kapish? As stated before- REKINDLE- If you lost passion, so has she, which means you are part of the problem

IDEAS:
1-Plan a surprise date-
2-Write her a letter recounting your plan to first ask her out and your first date
3-Start planning a date night (and don't run errands)
4-Just kiss her withour expecting sex
5-If you are eyeing other women (TV, ads, movies) STOP
6-Start excercising together
7-Take the kids for the morning and let her sleep in and bring home breakfast
8-Do anything romantic- BE PRO-ACTIVE!

Most importantly pray, by yourself and with her.



Konstantinos -> RE: Am I a typical man? (5/7/2008 4:09:53 AM)

quote:

The fat cells burn up testosterone.


hahahaha true.

start taking testosterone supplements.



GrapeApe -> RE: Am I a typical man? (5/7/2008 7:09:24 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: D3DO

If you are eyeing other women STOP


I would also advise to do so if you're involved in a relationship nonetheless.



Amped88 -> RE: Am I a typical man? (5/7/2008 9:03:40 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Konstantinos

start taking testosterone supplements.



It has worked for me. I work out 5 times a week (body building) as well as cardio 5 times a week for the last 3 months. I take testosterone supplements, NO-Xplode, and Centrum. I feel immensily (sp?) better and everything on my body works a whole lot better!!



TQ_Fan_4_Life -> RE: Am I a typical man? (5/7/2008 10:09:17 AM)

bout as typical a man as can be



Konstantinos -> RE: Am I a typical man? (5/7/2008 10:32:19 AM)

5 times weightlifting and 5 times cardio is too much... unless you are trying to lose weight to go to like.. 5% body fat. if you are above 12% you shouldnt even need cardio except to remain healthy after you pass a certain age



Steve4FWB -> RE: Am I a typical man? (6/4/2008 5:03:07 AM)

You know, I'm sure we've all heard before that there is no dumb question. In fact, others are probably waiting on the same question to be asked. This thread has hit me between the eyes. There are eerily similar scenarios with the original post and myself. Thank you so much for taking the courage to post such an honest and personal question.

The responses have also been great. Especially the one from D3DO. Wow! Those are some great suggestions that you give and I appreciate them. Let's agree to band together and pray for one another; that God would place a hedge of protection around us as Christian, Godly husbands / men, to remain pure in an increasingly difficult age.



Coffee_Drinker -> RE: Am I a typical man? (6/4/2008 10:05:58 AM)

I'll chime in...

I'm 51, married 26 years. Good health, moderate exercise regime, normal stresses (sometimes abnormal), and I'd rather sleep. I used to worry about it but, my wife has the same interest as me - she'd rather sleep too.

The days of being young rabbits are gone.



jn1010lf -> RE: Am I a typical man? (6/4/2008 11:24:30 AM)

Hello AslansChild

I'ts hard to say if your a typical man. But I will say that men are, in their fleshly nature, barbaric. Consider pre schood boys. They like war things, right? Later, they tend to look at women as food for their flesh. I'm sure you've listened to guys talking with each other.

So, living in the flesh is being a typical man. What course do you have now, then. You, like every man that lives, has to surrender himself completely to the Lord. Give him your barbarism that the world has baited you to encourage.

Consider this. God is an incurable romanticist. He created marriage and He knows how to make it work. So, give yourself to Him completely, let him call the shots of life.



Christian30 -> RE: Am I a typical man? (6/4/2008 11:29:51 PM)

I'm a little heavier than when I married, but at 51 I still want sex more than once a week. My wife is 2-3 pounds lighter, sex drive is less, but still wants it. Sex sometimes gives me headaches, sometimes I "wax and wane," stay awake too long, can't penetrate as easily as I'd like....

IT'S ALL WORHT IT!!!!!!!



U376977 -> RE: Am I a typical man? (6/5/2008 4:19:43 PM)

I guess I am "typical" too. Now that sex is more rare, she wants it to be more special when it does happen. Meaning more work on my part---back rubs, oil, etc. Gone are the times when five minutes and it is over. It is easier to just M and get on with something else. Anyone relate?



albertleenava -> RE: Am I a typical man? (6/11/2008 6:28:20 PM)

i know our God has a sense of humor. how else can you explain why women peak sexually when men are starting to have a decrease in desire? [:D]



GrapeApe -> RE: Am I a typical man? (6/12/2008 3:32:40 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: U376977

Meaning more work on my part---back rubs, oil, etc. Gone are the times when five minutes and it is over. It is easier to just M and get on with something else. Anyone relate?


It should never be considered "work" on either part. When that happens, it's safe to assume the intimacy is no longer about giving each other pleasure and meeting their needs, but a process of what seems tedious to both individuals. That hardly seems romantic to me.

Five minutes? Seriously? Commercials last longer.

The day where "M" becomes an alternative to having sex is also the day I consider bunging jumping off a cliff without a rope.



jn1010lf -> RE: Am I a typical man? (6/12/2008 10:19:42 PM)

Hello AslansChild

It was a total shock when I discovered that our Father is interested in the sex life of married couples. Let me give you but one example. My wife is very affectionate. She has been saying, "Kiss me." It was almost like an order and it annoyed me. Ah but the Lord put these words in my mouth. I said,

"You know, most men, if they are not dead, can see the look on a woman's face to know it's time to kiss her."

She has never ordered me since. However, every morning I check out her face to see if that look is there. As soon as I see it, it's "pop," the smooch that starts the day.

So, why not go the the Lord and ask him how you can liven things up. It's easy for every couple to get into routines and take each other for granted. I just had a thought. Could this e a "Thus saith the Lord?" Why not change your after shave lotion. Mosey up to her and say something like,

"You know deer this new shave lotion seems to have given new life to my face. What do you think." Then watch for that look.



transient3 -> RE: Am I a typical man? (6/25/2008 7:11:35 AM)

Not real sure what you mean by typical. Are you a man? Sounds like it. You seem to have a wife. I am 50 years old and I have had times when it seemed the passion was gone. I think that maybe in the former years of early marriage I didn't tend to think so much about satisfying her as much as satisfying me. It sounds to me like you might be focusing on what you don't have instead of what you do have. Women were created for men for a couple of very good reasons. One as stated in the Bible for companionship, because it was not good that man should be alone. So my question is are you alone, living a life without a companion? It doesn't sound like that way to me. Another reason women seemed to have been given to men was to become fruitful and multiply. Can you still have sex, have you multiplied(have any children)? Then your wife has helped already in two very important areas. Does it hurt for you to have sex? Are you refused by your wife? If not, focus on the pleasurable feeling of being in a state of arousal and reaching a climax if possible. Learn to appreaciate that you have a woman. Many single guys don't and wished they did. My wife too has gained weight after 20 years of marriage, but I still can feel the pleasure a man can receive from being intimate with a woman. Is your wife supportive of your life? Usually passion in lovemaking comes from areas in your life with your wife outside of the bed. Appreciate and fall in love with what your wife does for you outside of the bed, and I believe the passion will come back when you are in bed. Passion, I believe has to do a lot more than just with the act itself. I am not sure it is required that we have passion during intimatcy, however it is always appreciated. However it is required that we don't withhold ourselves from our spouses lest either one is tempted. The burning will be satisfied by climax itself. However as our thoughts are redirected to view her in a different and more appreciative light, I believe passion will ensue. She is God's gift to you. Ask God to help you see once again why she was and still is the perfect gift just for you.

I will pray for you as well.
Your brother in Christ.



19ramman85 -> RE: Am I a typical man? (7/5/2008 11:20:49 AM)

Coffe_Drinker said ........ The days of being young rabbits are gone.

Yup pretty well sums it up!

GrapeApe said ....... The day where "M" becomes an alternative to having sex is also the day I consider bunging jumping off a cliff without a rope.

Sounds like someone is still young yet (<35y.o.), and in for a rough wakening, eh?


-charles



buckifn -> RE: Am I a typical man? (7/5/2008 4:05:49 PM)

We haven't reached that stage yet where sleep is better than sex, but if we do I am hoping we reach it together. Communication outside the bedroom is one of the big factors for most females and I guess you could say if we learn to give them that our payoff will be in the bedroom.

The best advice I can give you other than that is don't worry about what "norms" are for anyone else and find what makes you two happy and go with it. Pray together, worship God together ask His blessing and guidance in your marriage and go from there.



GrapeApe -> RE: Am I a typical man? (7/6/2008 5:46:09 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: 19ramman85

in for a rough wakening, eh?


I'm not one who believes sex is something that loses value with age. I believe the issue is with the individual themselves, or their loss of "passion", which is a much deeper subject.

I pray that my sex drive never lessens to the point where the act itself is an infrequent event. That doesn't sound like a marriage I would enjoy, intimately at least.



19ramman85 -> RE: Am I a typical man? (7/12/2008 12:26:28 AM)

I guess in one sense - there are two types of - "passion" in marriage; Sexual passion - were you and your mate are more- Sexual, in your passion. Whereas, when you get older, the - Sexual passion dwindles, and the passion of - "Just being together - alone with each other" kicks in more.

And you and your spouce's sex drive will lessen, It will inevitably happen - Gaurenteed!

And believe it or not - you will actually like the idea of having- sexless, "sex"


-charles



jn1010lf -> RE: Am I a typical man? (7/12/2008 10:20:39 AM)

Hello AslansChild

It sounds like you are a typical man where life takes on routine. Are you not aware that women need courting throughout their entire lives? Ask the Lord to show you new ways of laying your life down for your wife as Jesus laid His life down for us. Run a concordance on the word "husband" or "husbands"

I might also find some guy that has had a successful marriage for many years. Pick his brain. Find out how he did it. Look at it this way. How many do you suppose pick Bill Gates' brain trying to find out how he became the richest man in the world.

Whatever you do, never find some guy who has a miserable marriage and cry in your bear together. It just compounds the situation.

One ministry that is outstanding is Gary Smalley, Just put his name in any search engine and zippo, you've found him. There are others as well. But keep in mind, our God is an incurable romanticist. He did make us male and female, right? He knows how to blend the two together to make one.



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