Bad Mistake (Full Version)

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Mistake777 -> Bad Mistake (5/2/2008 2:05:15 PM)

I committed Adultery several times in my marriage I sat down and told things she didn’t know because I wanted to start clean and my wife forgave me but one year later she has ask for a divorce because she stated that she can not deal with it anymore. What do I do!



mostofall -> RE: Bad Mistake (5/2/2008 2:15:18 PM)

Beg her forgiveness and pray. What can you do? If it comes time to let her go, then let go. You made all those choices. It's now time to live with them. I actually do feel bad for you, because people make mistakes. However, feeling bad about it doesn't take away the damage you have done, and you may just have to move on in your life without her. Reconcile yourself to that, and be a good person about it if that time comes. Divorce can be nasty business, but it doesn't have to be.



NoShow -> RE: Bad Mistake (5/2/2008 2:23:19 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Mistake777

I committed Adultery several times in my marriage I sat down and told things she didn’t know because I wanted to start clean and my wife forgave me but one year later she has ask for a divorce because she stated that she can not deal with it anymore. What do I do!


Let me ask you this, what have you been doing since? Considering what I have emphasized, sometimes in these situations, what needs to take place is an effort to rebuild trust. It's possible your wife may have forgiven you, but doesn't feel she can trust you. If all you've done is "not had anymore affairs" to try and show your trustworthiness, then that may not be enough. Nor is going along like nothing happened. Because that makes it seem like you think it was no big deal.

Even if she forgives you, maybe what you need to do is daily show her gratitude for her forgiveness, to show your appreciation.



KenBobPDX -> RE: Bad Mistake (5/2/2008 2:33:07 PM)

I feel for you. MostOfAll is right regarding having to live with the choices. Adultery is one the most wounding offenses against our spouses. It is one of only two Bibical grounds for divorce. However, salvaging your marriage may still be possible.

It will take time and counseling, but it is possible.

We use the "Marriage 911" program to help couples in your situation. It doesn't require both halves of the couple in order to make it work. Go to: http://www.reconcilinggodsway.org/ and see if there are any churches in your area that can help.

We've seen great results if both people are submitted to the Lord's leading and willing to obey His Word.



Mistake777 -> RE: Bad Mistake (5/2/2008 2:33:35 PM)

I believe that the trust is not there. For 6 months we have not had any physical touch hold hands, kiss nothing and she stop wearing her rings. I gave her access to all my communication cell phone, email. She realizes that it is no one else but her advice is coming from her mother who has been married 4 times. I told her I loved her and I will stand on God word for the marriage to be restored; I told her take as much time as she needs.



mostofall -> RE: Bad Mistake (5/2/2008 2:33:36 PM)

I would also like to add something that I didn't include in my earlier post: You have to say you're sorry until she doesn't need to hear it anymore. You don't get to decide when you have said that you are sorry enough times - she does. Like "noshow" said, you have to make an actual effort to show her that you love her, and that you truly repent your actions. Otherwise, everything since your confession is hollow, and how could she possibly forgive you? You say that she forgave you, but forgiveness takes place over time, especially when the hurt is great. It is not an instant wiping-the-slate-clean moment. And I stand by what I said earlier. If she has already asked for divorce, she has probably already given this a lot of thought, and is ready to move on. You should be too.



iwillfearnoevil -> RE: Bad Mistake (5/2/2008 3:06:04 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: mostofall
If she has already asked for divorce, she has probably already given this a lot of thought, and is ready to move on. You should be too.


i disagree that you should proceed with the divorce and move on. this will take some time and it's great you are willing to try to work on things. however other posters do raise good point of what was worked on this past year. if you are really worried about her moving out start being the best husband you can be, that way when she leaves, she'll have a more positive view of you and your marriage.



Mistake777 -> RE: Bad Mistake (5/2/2008 3:16:18 PM)

I want to do what is right I don't want to cause her anymore pain and she stated that it hurts her to be with me. I'm torn because I love her and i love her enough to let her go if she wont hurt.



WesP -> RE: Bad Mistake (5/2/2008 3:29:09 PM)

If she wants to go, no one can stop her, but I have a question for you? Is she a Christian woman? If so, I cannot understand why she seeks advice from someone who has been married 4 times. I understand that it is her mother, but that relationship does not qualify her to counsel. In fact, her track record says she needs to stay out of it completely. I am sorry for both of you. Stay in prayer.



fist.sensei -> RE: Bad Mistake (5/2/2008 3:39:09 PM)

Check out www.marriagebuilders.com , they have a great program for reconciling after adultery.



Mistake777 -> RE: Bad Mistake (5/2/2008 3:39:59 PM)

She is a Christian but she does not go to church with me anymore and refuses to speak with a pastor. She had not been at church for about 6 months but since she said she wants a divorce she has been to chrcuh 2 times. She stated that God can't ue her when she is broken. I ask for us to go to the pastor and she wont. I told her I will go by myself and stand for the marriage.



WesP -> RE: Bad Mistake (5/2/2008 3:51:43 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Mistake777

She is a Christian but she does not go to church with me anymore and refuses to speak with a pastor. She had not been at church for about 6 months but since she said she wants a divorce she has been to chrcuh 2 times. She stated that God can't ue her when she is broken. I ask for us to go to the pastor and she wont. I told her I will go by myself and stand for the marriage.


I am very sorry to hear that. God does not call the prepared; He prepares the called. If she wants healing, she has to go to Him. Staying away from God will only make it worse. I pray that you and she can reconcile things and know the peace of God.



Memaw. -> RE: Bad Mistake (5/2/2008 8:40:17 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: mostofall

I would also like to add something that I didn't include in my earlier post: You have to say you're sorry until she doesn't need to hear it anymore. You don't get to decide when you have said that you are sorry enough times - she does. Like "noshow" said, you have to make an actual effort to show her that you love her, and that you truly repent your actions. Otherwise, everything since your confession is hollow, and how could she possibly forgive you? You say that she forgave you, but forgiveness takes place over time, especially when the hurt is great. It is not an instant wiping-the-slate-clean moment. And I stand by what I said earlier. If she has already asked for divorce, she has probably already given this a lot of thought, and is ready to move on. You should be too.


Awesome post...worth repeating.



Konstantinos -> RE: Bad Mistake (5/2/2008 10:00:33 PM)

ok im gonna ask if she has done anything.. has she done anything to get over this?

you may be wrong to have commited adultery, but shes just as wrong to not forgive you. and from the sounds of it she doesnt seem to be trying either. getting advice from her mother who divorced 3 times?

loyalty is about sticking with each other despite what bad things may happen firstly and secondly try to prevent any bad things from happening. so something that hurt her a lot happened now. something might happen to you next. if this comes off as selfish or an excuse or insensitive.. well i dont really care.

the way i see it, just like the bible says, the more you go through, the more your love grows. thats how ill see it every time i get hurt in my marriage or even with the friendships i have now. its an obstacle. you overcome it, you get closer than ever. if others choose to be pessimistic and like to ruin the whole thing instead of making it better because they are too weak.. too bad for them



carl54 -> RE: Bad Mistake (5/2/2008 10:02:46 PM)

You commited adultery not once but several times. How shameful! You should have to beg your wife to even be in the same atmosphere with you after that bomb shell and the bigger issue is you have to check your relationship with God. I don´t mean to throw stones at you but if you ´practiced¨ sin you have to wonder what is the state of your salvation. See 1 John several places concerning the practicing of sin.

I pray that God would restore your marriage, but you have a lot of work to do with God and with your wife.



Wild-Rose -> RE: Bad Mistake (5/3/2008 7:44:18 AM)

I would like to suggest that you stop calling it a "mistake". A mistake is like if you leave your wallet in the wrong pants. That's a mistake. This was a CHOICE you made. Deliberate choices.



choose2live -> RE: Bad Mistake (5/3/2008 10:00:49 AM)

I understand that you wanted to start clean. But realize that the weight that you were carrying around when you were concealing your sin has now been shifted to her.

Remember that pit your had in the bottom of your stomache? Well now she is the one that has it.

Please be patient with her. I am telling you that the only One who can "fix" this is the LORD. Have you prayed with her? Sometimes this alone can start and continue the healing process.... your hearts are revealed to eachother as you are revealing your hearts to God. Have you fasted? I suggest you fast for the salvation of your marriage. Do the things that show both your wife and God that you are serious. But above all else have FAITH that God can restore you both as one. I will be praying for you.



Ashyah -> RE: Bad Mistake (5/3/2008 11:59:57 AM)

How have you been treating her ?

I feel that she was happy to have you back but, has now come down from that.

You must do some praying.

Tell her you love her. Be a friend to her. She doesn't trust you. And , that is understandable. It may take a long time for her to trust you.



mostofall -> RE: Bad Mistake (5/5/2008 5:21:12 PM)

quote:

ok im gonna ask if she has done anything.. has she done anything to get over this?

you may be wrong to have commited adultery, but shes just as wrong to not forgive you. and from the sounds of it she doesnt seem to be trying either. getting advice from her mother who divorced 3 times?

loyalty is about sticking with each other despite what bad things may happen firstly and secondly try to prevent any bad things from happening. so something that hurt her a lot happened now. something might happen to you next. if this comes off as selfish or an excuse or insensitive.. well i dont really care.

the way i see it, just like the bible says, the more you go through, the more your love grows. thats how ill see it every time i get hurt in my marriage or even with the friendships i have now. its an obstacle. you overcome it, you get closer than ever. if others choose to be pessimistic and like to ruin the whole thing instead of making it better because they are too weak.. too bad for them


It's not her job to fix it, it's yours. You made the choices, and you did the damage. Konstantinos, I do not believe that you have had enough experience in relationships to make statements like that... When you hurt someone, especially the person who you pledged in front of the Lord to love and honor, then it is your job - and your job alone - to try to make it right. Turning to her and asking her what she has done to repair the damage you have caused will only further the damage. Having an affair is a huge betrayal, and causes a great deal of pain, anguish, and loss of trust. I can't say that she should be giving up on you, but the focus is not on her - it's on you.



nickyrh -> RE: Bad Mistake (5/5/2008 5:27:36 PM)

Coming from the other side of the fence, I will tell you what made me trust my husband again. He has lots of other issues, but he does not mess around on me.

Without my knowledge and by himself, he went to counseling to find out why he cheated on me. I did not even know until later. He never got frustrated when I asked for the details....over and over. He was patient when i got mad about it at odd times. He did not try to blame me for it.

I feel like he got to know himself a little better and could see that this was hurting our family and himself. It was an evil cycle.

Show her your post here. Tell her that you want her trust and will do anything it takes, then do it. Be patient.

In counseling we learned that after infidelity some people simply cannot deal with that kind of trauma. I still dont know after a year or so if i can deal with it. If that is the case, you will both have to accept that.

Good luck and God Bless. You are in my prayers.



gmc4Jesus -> RE: Bad Mistake (5/5/2008 9:44:53 PM)

This hurts. I hurt for you that you stepped outside the bounds of marriage. I commend you for repenting and trying to put your marriage back to gether. I hurt that your wife is having a hard time forgiving you and pray that she will change her mind.

Now for some venting --
Why don't we, especially those of us who are Christians, work as hard at loving our spouse, keeping our marriage vows and saving our marriages as we do at doing what we want regardless of the consequences?

I'm not here to pass judgment, but to encourage all people to remember their marriage vows and keep themselves to each other and each other only for as long as they both shall live.

May God give you the strength to work on saving your marriage. I also pray that he will touch your wife and soften her heart to allow you to rebuild the relationship.

God bless



itsnotwhatuthink -> RE: Bad Mistake (5/6/2008 12:32:35 PM)

I get upset when I read these forums. I think I need to stop. Some of the replies are so stupid and ungodly that they do harm rather than good.
I read articles on this site and think some of them are pretty good and helpful - then I read some of the stuff going on in these forums and it's like every loose cannon wannabe counsellor frequents these posts just hovering and waiting for a chance to give their "opinions". Not everyone of course, but waaaay too many.

Thank you. Don't worry, doubt I'll post again.



4agape -> RE: Bad Mistake (5/6/2008 8:18:45 PM)

Mostofall knows what he is talking about.

If you want a reality check, ask yourself if you would ever cheat again without anyone one knowing about it. Would the temptation be hard to deny. We are condition to read people and their body language...the brain uses it for survival. Its natural for her to not trust you and just because you give her access does not mean that you will not be tempted again. She is constantly wondering when you will look again or even think about it.

Just because you attend church and claim to be a devoted Christian does not take away the fact that you have had multiple affairs. In her eyes, you will more than likely do it again. There is no such thing as a clean slate in commiting adultery. She may always wonder when it will happen again. Even if she forgives. To rebuild trust with anyone is very difficult and especially if they are not yielding to Christ. SHE NEEDS TO HEAL.

If you love your wife, make sure you do not have a problem with her asking you questions and trying to figure out where you had been when times dont add up....or why you are looking at something... You should not get angry and frustrated because she brings up "the past." SHE IS TRYING TO HEAL.

Bringing up "the past" is a way to deal with it. To you its "the past," and to her it is new news. It is freshly written on her mind and heart and unfortunately she has to learn to deal with it every day. Now that is a complicated task and unfortunately.....she now has to learn how to get over it and forgive. Man,.....do I feel sorry for her! (sorry not trying to make things feel worse).

When people leave, its not because they want to. This is something she has tought long and hard over it and has come to a final decision. If you have made the healing process difficult for her by not responding to her questions and condeming her when she has a question, then that is telling her that you are not willing to deal the problem.

She will quit asking questions when she feels like she can trust you again and knows that you have dealt with the problem.

Its like kicking someone in the stomach and telling them to breath right afterwards.....and getting upset because they cant......and frustrated by them when they complain about how hard it is to breath.

Make sure you are not doing that. And show her how sorry you are. Actions are always louder than words.

Your in my prayers.



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