When is it time to separate (Full Version)

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wishing4love -> When is it time to separate (5/2/2008 2:47:20 PM)

I'm new to the forum so I'll give some background on the situation. I've been married to my husband for over 20 years. Okay...very long story made short: My husband has had one affair that I can prove and actually left me for her twice. He has had another affair that I can't prove but have enough evidence that I'm convinced. There a couple women that still call, email and text him even though I've asked him to stop it. He works on the road most of the year and recently on a long job, he rented an apartment with yet a different female co-worker with whom he denies having an inappropriate relationship. About the time I found out he'd rented an apartment with her, I had been lonely for many years while my husband was working on the road and he refused to get a different job. In my weakness, and after finding out my husband was living with another woman, I had an affair. I did break off the affair and confessed to my husband. My question...how do you know when it's okay to separate? My gut feeling at this point is that it's time to separate. I am the only one that wants to go to counseling. I want him to come home and work so we can be together and he refuses. Best I can tell, he's not trying to save this marriage. Although he says he doesn't want to separate or divorce. (Well of course not- he's having his cake and eating it too 'cause no matter where he goes- home or on the road- he has a woman). PLEASE offer me some insight. Thanks so much.



TheLindyM -> RE: When is it time to separate (5/2/2008 6:31:25 PM)

I would go to your pastor and arrange for him to meet with your husband and you. I personally believe that you need to bring forth scripture and present it to your husband. Tell him he can not come home until he quits what he is doing. It might wake him up.



carl54 -> RE: When is it time to separate (5/2/2008 10:18:08 PM)

From what you have said it sounds like both of you have had affair(s) which I´m sure has led to a lot of lack of trust between you. To restore your marriage both of you would have to commit to setting boundaries that excludes all questionable relationships with others and recommit your lives to each other. It sounds like you are there, but your husband isn´t. It is not something you can do for him no matter how hard you try.

I would suggest you seek pastoral or some other form of counseling. If your husband would not participate and elects to continue his deviant behaviour you may have to consider a separation as a form of tough love. Just take it one step at a time. Continue to talk to him to see where his head is. If he is in fact having affairs and refuses to stop...you may have to put on your walking boots. I´m sorry to say that but it takes two for a marriage to work.



Konstantinos -> RE: When is it time to separate (5/2/2008 10:22:18 PM)

if he doesnt want to try to make it work then its kinda hard to fix it. either somehow get him to want to make it work by trying yourself or seperate if you fine with that spiritually i guess...



hnt -> RE: When is it time to separate (5/3/2008 12:19:27 AM)

He rents a place with another female.......and refuses any items that wish you to feel better about your relationship?

I think that is what is called........have your cake and eat it to!

I don't think any WIFE would allow this, and NOT feel things you are feeling at this moment.

If people are going to question your decision to separate I think they need to take a good look their spouse, and question if that would be okay with them UNDER any circumstance. If they said it would be okay.......if I were a betting person I would say they are lying thur their teeth!

Words are one thing.......Actions are another. The bible speaks alot about actions more than WORDS to me! Yet alot of people take WORDS and giving benefit of the doubt....saying its FAITh to go with the program. Good luck to them.

I think you have more than grounds to separate. He needs to make up his mind. YOU and his secular view of how things needs to be. There is no gray area. There is no BUT!



vicbhe -> RE: When is it time to separate (5/4/2008 2:13:06 PM)

I think you know what to do, you just need some reassurance that it is time. Where there is lying and deceit, there is no relationship.
I struggled with the decision to divorce in a similar situation. I needed a lot of reassuarance from others and I got it. Now that Im several years out from that I can see much more clearly and I have learned so much more that was going on. I suspect you will learn a lot more over time that he has been hiding from you, given the track record.
Someone mentioned 'tough love'. Yes, it's tough love in that you stop enabling the behavior. I used to hate it when I'd hear someone say "you can only change yourself". It's actually true you can change you and make a difference..... you can change your address... you can change your location... you can change your maritial status... you get the picture.
I also always heard "you need to give them something different to respond to and they will have to change". True again. In this case you stop being an enabler, start loving and respecting yourself, and you will not tolerate that behavior for a minute even if it means serving divorce papers.



BibleBased -> RE: When is it time to separate (5/4/2008 4:08:46 PM)

So what does the bible say on divorce? If we are just talking about seperation without divorce that is different. So far on this site, i have met good christians who are restoring my faith after many months on a very bad christian site. But this is another test for me.
There is one reason given in the bible by Jesus why a CHRISTIAN can get divorced. That is a serious sexual sin by the partner. This would seem to be the case here? But before we all pack up and say topic closed i would be very wary.
(Just to state the other possible reason for divorce THE NON BELIEVING partner may leave and the CHRISTIAN must let them go)

But and this is very important, God never intended divorce. Moses let men write out divorce papers, because the men were so heartless.

So if a person wants to fail to live up to God's intended purpose - a get out clause is there. It's like Jesus is saying if you are weak in faith and can not forgive, you can do this. But i have another problem with divorce. It is saying you know better than God. Because you are saying this man/ woman can't change all their lives and be SAVED.
God will wait for all of us, he waited 17 years for me and i am so grateful. But if i am to love everyone on earth, while hating my and all sin - how can i love the person God joined me to by divorcing them?

Are they making you look a fool? In who's eyes? God's, NO. Satan and his non believing followers are laughing at you. God and your brothers and sisters in Christ are beside you, loving you always.

Don't listern to the people of this world. Don't even listern to church members who had failed relationships or watched their own parents divorce. They suffered and now preach not God's Word on this issue but their flawed human ideas - though otherwises they may be good believers and friends.

Get into scripture and let God tell you what he wants you to do. And yes i have been there. Seperated for 3 years due to my disobidience to God and own stupidity. You minister, friends, good christians can say whatever they want, only listern to God's loving council. I got back with my wife and children, because i never and nor did my wife go near anyone else in our seperation. You need to draw the line, if need be move to a new home alone, stay pure and wait for your husband. The God you pray to is waiting, watching your husband and all of us in our own mistake filled world.
To remarry is to be unfathful, even after a human divorce - i don't believe there is a christian divorce, i've never heard of one?

This is not easy for people in your position, or my position a few years ago to hear - i realise that. But murderers have come to Christ. Liars. Thieves. Every type of sinner known to man and a few only known to God! Do you deny that God has the power to save your husband? If he was seriously ill in hospital, would you not wait for him? If he was locked up in prison for a crime he did not commit, would you not wait for him.

It's time to take our EGO and PRIDE and say he can't make a fool of me, because i'm walking with Jesus Christ, he's in my heart and mind and that's all that matters. I have eternal life and i want to man i married to be there with me. When you come to the foot of Jesus' cross in prayer for your own sins and believe he washes you clean - you just have to believe he has the same power to do that for your husband. I live daily with an unbelieving wife who is going to hell. She mocks the bible in front of our children and does many things and says many things that are wrong. But between you and me, my day is filled with disobidience to our Lord Jesus and too many sins to count and i deserve to be struck down in my seat here. But i believe in the power of the Holy Spirit to improve me and the power of Jesus to save me and make me Holy.

Examine yourself. If you weren't affraid of what other people say and think. If you truely believe our Lord can save your husband. Would you wait? Perhaps this will be the hardest witness you will have to give as a christian? Perhaps it is the one that could save the most people who know you? Love BibleBased.



Focusing -> RE: When is it time to separate (5/4/2008 7:56:00 PM)

His behavior is completely unacceptable!

When you reach the point where you are, and you are struggling, yes it's tough emotionally ... you are torn about doing the right thing. But it appears he is not concerned. I think you should talk with your pastor.

Personally, I think it's time for a separation.



lightshineon -> RE: When is it time to separate (5/4/2008 11:22:52 PM)

I have been married a long time, and have a great husband, but would not, could not put up with this.



BibleBased -> RE: When is it time to separate (5/5/2008 4:37:07 AM)

This man is a sinner. So am i. So is everyone. It's just that his sin is public and embarrassing.

lightshineon - may i ask, do you believe God brought you and your husband together? Do you believe God is in your marriage? If both answers are 'yes', would you divorce your husband really so easily? I assume if he commited most sins daily, you would pray for him as you would for your own sins? If he lied at work to get promotion for example or on his tax return. The only difference in this sin is that OTHER PEOPLE will talk and it's embarrassing for our EGO. But once we start thinking like Christians and not like unbelievers, this is just another sin like all the others.
This man needs God's love and patience - which i have no doubt he already has. Next he needs the support and steering of Christians.
It is interesting that you say 'you would not, could not put up with this', but you have to recognise that is your human weakness and pride. Being a Christian is not meant to be plain sailing! The bible, Jesus and the apostles tell us this many times. If you lost your house, or all your savings, or went hungry for a few days would you lose faith? Many Christians face a crisis of faith the minute their easy daily life is challenged. But this should bring us closer to God.

Focusing - yes his behaviour is totally unacceptable - but it is unacceptable mainly to God. Christians are meant to be focused on our Lord Jesus NOT the attacks of satan that come through neighbours, aquaintances and even good Christian friends. I can agree this is a very sad and tough situation, but other christians honestly have much bigger crosses to bare - she is no doubt torn about doing the right thing - but the right thing is NOT decided by her pastor/ minister, you or me or that great book by a famous Christian, it is decided by God and can be seen in his eternal Word the bible.
You throw in - Personally i think it's time for a seperation. If you mean finding a place of her own to live alone for a while. Laying down guidelines, not being a doormat. Then i agree. Focus on her walk with our Lord, stick close to a church, christian friends and the bible i agree.

BUT not to get a divorce. To live alone and give this man a chance to be saved and stop this sin. He will not stop all sin. That is important to remember. I am saved - i sin every day. ALL CHRISTIANS sin every day. Many christians never get married, they never meet the right person, or God calls them to be single as Paul tells us. We need to recognise God called these 2 people to become 1 person and noone can seperate them.
The correct Christian thing to do is to stay married, even if living seperately for the rest of their lives. To leave the door open to this man. To remember his relationship with God is much more important, than his sin however hurtful. If we love this man - we should all want him to return to God and be saved. Don't hurt your own daily walk with God and please don't make his being saved harder. Love and God bless, BibleBased.



Focusing -> RE: When is it time to separate (5/5/2008 8:10:09 AM)

BibleBased ...

the right thing is NOT decided by her pastor

Her pastor can help guide her decisions ... do you not agree with that? Part of a pastor's responsibility is to shepherd their flock.


We know in the OP certain things that she has told us. There are always many other factors involved, most of which we are not and will not be aware of. For one thing, was their marriage joined by God? We don't know that, she doesn't say.

Clearly you have been blessed by never having been in her shoes. Perhaps you don't have a clear concept (other than your opinion from viewing others' lives from the outside) what it is like to be in those shoes.

Her husband's behavior is absolutely unacceptable ... and she should not continue to tolerate it. I did not say anything about divorce, your strong opinion on the subject threw it in there. You have read far more into the comments in this thread than what others have actually said. Putting words into others' mouths is not a good thing. You have mentioned the word divorce 12 times in your two posts. The OP in this thread is asking whether she should separate from her husband, she is not asking for advice on how to go about divorcing him. Not all separations end in divorce, and there is a distinct difference between separation and divorce. Perhaps you can back it off a bit.

People sin, believers and nonbelievers alike, and just because we are believers does not mean for a moment that we need to allow others to stomp all over us and take advantage of us and treat us with no respect. Yes, we are to forgive the sin, the Bible tells us so. But it does not tell us we need to continue living with someone who does not honor God or marriage vows.

Her husband's behavior is unacceptable, and yes, I do believe she can still honor the Lord even through a separation.



BibleBased -> RE: When is it time to separate (5/5/2008 8:39:48 AM)

I was married in registry office - did God not join us together? Am i actually not married. Of course not!

Bad behaviour should not be tolerated. Yes she should set up a home without the husband and wait. All he is guilty of is being a sinner. I am a sinner. You are a sinner. She is a sinner. The only difference i can see from every other sin we all commit - is his sin is an embarrassment to her. Embarrassment is not a grounds for divorce.
You are right that i am over sensitive on the divorce issue, because far too often i have met and posted with Christians who have taken the easy way out, like non believers. They then remarry and never stop going to church and some hold senior positions in churches! The Christians who perservere in bad marriages with non believers for example, are given little or no support.

As for the pastor, i don't know the man and i would have to answer your question. 2 local ministers seperated from their wives and children. One married a divorcee. Most i've met get drunk. Need i go on. The reason i'm biblebased and not church based is in my part of the UK has awful ministers/ pastors/ churches. I certainly wouldn't ask their advice!



Focusing -> RE: When is it time to separate (5/5/2008 9:20:59 AM)

BibleBased, I am sorry to hear that. I have been very blessed to have had wonderful pastors placed in my life since becoming a believer. I have also been very blessed to have had wonderful mentors placed in my life exactly when I needed them. God knew what I needed and when I needed it. And I believe He has used my experiences to help others ... these experiences are a huge part of my testimony.

I have had a pastor who is in his second marriage. I don't know what led to him and his first wife divorcing, nor do I need to know or understand the reasons, but I do know from my own experience that he has a huge heart and more compassion towards those going through marital strife than those who have never been there. He is one of the best Bible-based pastors I have ever known.



lightshineon -> RE: When is it time to separate (5/5/2008 11:00:52 AM)

Yes, I believe my husband and I were put togather by the Lord, and so does my husband. We sin, but no husband does not lie on tax, or for promotions. That is willingly sinning, and there is a difference. I think if her husband is being unfaithful, well Jesus had a few words to say about that, and what is allowed for a person sinned against is allowed to do. Her husband broke the marriage bond where two become one. No, it is not EGO, it is because a broken bond, and mistrust, and nasty thingsher husband could infect her with. Do not put this on her the victim with comdenation. Jesus did not, he understood, her hurt and that is why he said what actions were permissable in an adulterous situation. So if Jesus is not condeming her than why are you? That is not BIbleBased. Should she seperate, and pray possibaly, not sure. I think if possible, if he is willing to change, then reconciliation should be sought, started with him and ends with him though.
quote:

ORIGINAL: BibleBased

This man is a sinner. So am i. So is everyone. It's just that his sin is public and embarrassing.

lightshineon - may i ask, do you believe God brought you and your husband together? Do you believe God is in your marriage? If both answers are 'yes', would you divorce your husband really so easily? I assume if he commited most sins daily, you would pray for him as you would for your own sins? If he lied at work to get promotion for example or on his tax return. The only difference in this sin is that OTHER PEOPLE will talk and it's embarrassing for our EGO. But once we start thinking like Christians and not like unbelievers, this is just another sin like all the others.
This man needs God's love and patience - which i have no doubt he already has. Next he needs the support and steering of Christians.
It is interesting that you say 'you would not, could not put up with this', but you have to recognise that is your human weakness and pride. Being a Christian is not meant to be plain sailing! The bible, Jesus and the apostles tell us this many times. If you lost your house, or all your savings, or went hungry for a few days would you lose faith? Many Christians face a crisis of faith the minute their easy daily life is challenged. But this should bring us closer to God.

Focusing - yes his behaviour is totally unacceptable - but it is unacceptable mainly to God. Christians are meant to be focused on our Lord Jesus NOT the attacks of satan that come through neighbours, aquaintances and even good Christian friends. I can agree this is a very sad and tough situation, but other christians honestly have much bigger crosses to bare - she is no doubt torn about doing the right thing - but the right thing is NOT decided by her pastor/ minister, you or me or that great book by a famous Christian, it is decided by God and can be seen in his eternal Word the bible.
You throw in - Personally i think it's time for a seperation. If you mean finding a place of her own to live alone for a while. Laying down guidelines, not being a doormat. Then i agree. Focus on her walk with our Lord, stick close to a church, christian friends and the bible i agree.

BUT not to get a divorce. To live alone and give this man a chance to be saved and stop this sin. He will not stop all sin. That is important to remember. I am saved - i sin every day. ALL CHRISTIANS sin every day. Many christians never get married, they never meet the right person, or God calls them to be single as Paul tells us. We need to recognise God called these 2 people to become 1 person and noone can seperate them.
The correct Christian thing to do is to stay married, even if living seperately for the rest of their lives. To leave the door open to this man. To remember his relationship with God is much more important, than his sin however hurtful. If we love this man - we should all want him to return to God and be saved. Don't hurt your own daily walk with God and please don't make his being saved harder. Love and God bless, BibleBased.



vicbhe -> RE: When is it time to separate (5/5/2008 11:45:05 AM)

Biblebased, I understand where you are coming from. There is a one stop thred set up for discussing your agruments on divorce if you feel the need to vocalize that more.

Focusing I sense grace, compassion, and understanding in your words. Like your pastor I find myself more compassionate and understanding since my divorce than before. Life experiences tend to humble us. I have been a friend and mentor to many who were struggling. I have helped some restore their marriage, others I helped to be at peace leaving their marriage.

Wishing4love, I'll share with you the most freeing words anyone ever shared with me.... "You are not God and you cannot do this forever." My marriage did end in divorce as I had exhausted every other possibility. In fact I stayed much longer than I should have. I did not understand what Focusing stated about not allowing others to stomp on us. I do now... forgiveness does not mean tolerance. We can forgive but we may not always be able to restore. Jesus said "you shall know the truth and the truth shall set you free!"



Focusing -> RE: When is it time to separate (5/5/2008 12:56:37 PM)

quote:

not allowing others to stomp on us

Yes, I see how this could be hard to understand. Sorry. It's my own little term. What I mean when I say this is that sometimes others think that just because I am a believer, that they can do whatever they want to me - no matter how cruel or uncaring or unfeeling - and I have no right to stand up for myself, I must just take it. Another term I have heard used to describe this is "being a doormat".

Although I was not a believer when I was married, that came years later, I always was the one to stand and say "I will never ..." ... and yes, there was an eating of bitter tasting words and humbling in my heart. I have learned many things the hard way. Stubbornness and perseverence ... friends of foes? Or do they work together for good in the end? [;)]

Thank you for your kind words, vicbhe. My life experiences have taught me more than I ever cared to know. God is so gracious, using it all to His glory.



vicbhe -> RE: When is it time to separate (5/5/2008 10:42:09 PM)

Focusing, your welcome. I actually meant I didn't understand it 20 years ago and up until just a few years ago. Now I do understand it.
I too had the "I would never" attitude.... and some of the things I said I'd never do I have found were really not wrong anyway. Just my legalistic thinking.
Laughing at the thought of it....... eating my words, they go down a little better with a touch of salt and a glass of tea. [:D]



Hislittleone -> RE: When is it time to separate (5/6/2008 2:28:25 AM)

quote:

My question...how do you know when it's okay to separate? My gut feeling at this point is that it's time to separate.


For me, it would definitely have been after the second affair. Your husband is living in sin and is apparently unrepentant. He is unwilling to work on the marriage. You are right in saying he has his cake and is eating it too. It's time to take away his cake!!!

Check out this website http://www.joelandkathy.com/
In their forums you can post and ask the helpers (they are trained in the methods that Joel and Kathy use to repair broken marriages) for advice http://www.joelandkathy.com/boards/index.php

I highly recommend going there for advice in your current situation. They might be able to help you salvage your marriage.



BibleBased -> RE: When is it time to separate (5/6/2008 6:49:59 AM)

In the UK, the marriage serve says love, honor and obey. Also what God has joined together let no man seperate. In many marriages the honor has gone, you can't divorce for this reason. In many marriages, if this is included these days, the obeying has gone, you can't divorce for this reason. And in far too many marriages the love has gone - a human court will accept this as a reason, but of course our Lord won't - because we are to love everyone.
Who is going to divorce 2 people that God has joined together? Possibly a non Christian judge. How can a non believer seperate the 1 that God has created??? Why would the couple, or any church or christian accept this ruling???

I just wish Christians would look at thing biblically and not in a worldly way. What is a year or 10 years in eternity? If a person has to live seperately for 60 years what is that in eternity. Do we believe in God's saving POWER or not? Do we believe this man is the same as us? He is a much loved child of God. Yes he is rejecting, i assume God at the moment.

Here is a question is this man a Christian or not? Does he accept that Jesus died on the cross on was resurrected for him? If so, he will be joining us if Jesus returns right now. What he is doing is hurtful and sinful, but he'll be joining us if he is saved and God will be washing him clean of his sins in the same way as us.
Infact EVERY day he is made pure by Jesus' sacrifice and is as pure as us, if he believes as we do. And yes he may go on sinning, living with another woman, but each day he comes to the cross, he is as clean as her, me and all christian believers.

Because if that is not true, my daily sins are not forgiven and i will not have eternal life either. Only a fool believes they don't sin all day every day. And only a fool believes i am saved but that person's sin won't be wiped clean.

My point is if he believes in Jesus' sacrifice and is saved, whatever his sins are - he has ALREADY passed from death to LIFE like us. To reject a fellow believer, to not have love amoung ourselves, to not forgive not 7 times but for ever, is a sin in itself.

We must be very careful not to condeme another persons sin, while hiding our own. Also to say that person isn't saved, but i am. This man may be one of us and then all of the above applies. Think more like God and less like satan's followers. One day is like a thousand years. What is the rush to seperate or possibly divorce? Take measures in daily life to help 'save him', but to abandon him, stop loving and caring for him??? BibleBased.



evryknee -> RE: When is it time to separate (5/6/2008 8:24:29 AM)

Just a few thoughts: With every step, you certainly want to do this biblically and with the right intentions & motives. Whether now is the right time or not, I don't know.

If you do separate, I believe you are giving consequences for his sinful actions. We do this (discipline) as parents to teach them and hopefully bring them back into things "going well" for them (Eph 6). Though, even the church is taught to discipline the one in unrepentant sin - and that does not mean that the authorities in the church are not sinless, but that unrepentant sin is unacceptable in the body of believers. But this discipline is to hand the unrepentant sinner over to Satan, that the person will return to the flock in repentance. Although this is a different situation and not a church, the concept of discipline / separation for the purposes of reconciliation (we're all ministers of reconciliation) is taught. Reconciliation has not always happened as a result of this process, but that was the process.

So separation, would not necessarily be an abandonment (unless the motive was "forget you, I'm outta here" - though sounds like he has abandoned the relationship) or a stoppage of love, but one of love and for Love. But before doing so, I think it would be good to confront the person by yourself, and then with someone else who is either in authority or maybe with someone he respects greatly. If he refuses to change, then make the decision. You may already be at that place.



hnt -> RE: When is it time to separate (5/6/2008 10:38:25 AM)

BB:

I'm confused as to why you keep speaking of divorce.

The OP never spoke of divorce at all. If you read it again she sounds like a very confused, hurt and lost at the moment. She knows some action must be taken, and wishes to be very careful as to what steps it should be. She asked if it could possibility be a time for separation, and I don't understand why you are NOT taking her at her word?

It doesn't sound to be like she is questioning any of your points. She isn't saying that he won't be washed clean of his sins, and take his place in heaven along with others that follow the faith. She isn't saying she isn't willing to forgive. She isn't asking for others to condemn or judge this man.

She was asking a serious question about separation! NOT divorce!

People can forgive, but that doesn't always mean they trust the person. Forgiveness and trust are two separate issues, and the bible doesn't say that unless you find a way to trust when you forgive its not geniune. Our sins are washed clean, but our consquences are NOT something God always takes away from us. There is a reason for that as well.

I think you are adding burdens and assumptions that were never presented. We don't have enough information to jump to these conclusions that you are making.

quote:

Do you deny that God has the power to save your husband? If he was seriously ill in hospital, would you not wait for him? If he was locked up in prison for a crime he did not commit, would you not wait for him.


When did she say she denied God's power? Where did she even go near it? Being seriously ill and in jail over a crime that he didn't commit are quite the opposite of what she is dealing with. God can save this man, but he must also make the choice to have it handed to him. We don't know if he has or has not. If she separates that doesn't mean it can't happen then either.

I think God would rather us deal with the pain and misery that she is dealing with, and not tell her to stop doubting God's power. Helping her with this burden she is carrying, and have us remind her of God's love for her! How God will show her the path she needs to take, and lean on him even in times that great pain. Having faith that God will give her what she needs, and will show her which path to take. Telling her that God is willing to take this burden from her!

YES he is a child of God also! No one denies this! Stating his behavior is unacceptable within the marriage because its truth doesn't mean she denies God's power to change his life, OR that he will not come home after he passes away if he is a believer. No one is asking her to embrace bitterness and wrath! Why are you handing her additional loads to carry? No one is going near that she isn't a sinner as well. We all realize we are all sinners, and questioning a time of separation due to unrepentive behavior isn't saying one person is better than the other, and all the rest of it.

lol its just a question! I'm really confused by your response. It seems you are questioning things that I don't see was every touched upon by the OP. There are times to bring such things up, and remind others of ...of course! I'm not saying don't mention it at all! It seems to be other things need to be mentioned at the present moment. Questioning people's faith doesn't seem appropriate at this point. To me that is how you seem to come across. Maybe I'm wrong, but it does seem that way to me.



BibleBased -> RE: When is it time to separate (5/6/2008 12:59:05 PM)

Yours is a good post. My post was based on experience both in my life, real world, and on line even more. Sometimes things start moving and before we know it seperation has become you're not welcome back /i'm enjoying my life, to divorce. I fully admit this has not been the OP, but in my experience things more fast.
It is important at this stage that the OP knows the biblical boundaries within which she can make decisions. I don't disagree that action has to be taken and this man needs a wake up call. If he was reading this, i'd certainly have afew things to say to him and i'd be tempted to say a few unbiblical things to a man who treats any woman, his wife, this way!
But this lady has asked for our advice, on a CHRISTIAN web site and for me that means what does God/ Jesus say on these issues. If she lived near me, i'd offer to help her move, perhaps money for a deposite/ first month's rent - i have don't this before. I'd help her find a suitable place. I'd bend over backwards to give practical help, not just pray and give nice words. I've offered believers money, even recently in situations i felt where it would help.

The greatest help i can give her is saying obey God's plan for us his children, lean on the Lord, and things will have the best outcome. All my words/ advice follow this line. Love BibleBased.



BibleBased -> RE: When is it time to separate (5/7/2008 3:46:39 AM)

I've been thinking more about this this morning. I think there is a much wider issue, i see in many forums and sites here.

Each day we are walking with Jesus and looking to the Kingdom of God. We are in the World physically, but not part of satan's world.

There is a reason why Paul tells us it would be better not to get married. It is because very quickly it can blot out everything else. First you have to think about your partner, then children if you have them, you have to earn more - work longer hours, worry about getting a higher paid job.

When you are single, you can live very cheaply, have lot's more time free and that time can be used to do God's work of saving non believers.

How does this apply on this topic? My point is we should be thinking on ANY and every topic - what will help me in my walk with Jesus Christ and what will give the best witness to non believers.

So as i ask other christians on other topics and in real life - what are we all doing today to spread the good news and bring people to our Lord? You may not see the connection? Consider this what does satan want to be our NUMBER ONE concern? God wants it to be the Kingdom and saving people.

If we all focused on this concern first, God will sort the rest, if we trust in him. My suggestion today would be to put this issue, as much as is possible, aside and say the Lord Jesus gave me today and i'm going to do some work for him. Phone a family member/ friend and ask how they are. Invite a needy person or non believer round for lunch or dinner and make them feel special.

Stop for a minute focusing on what satan wants you to, the bad bits of your life; and celebrate the overwelming Glory and Power and Saving GRACE of Jesus Christ. Today you can feel great about yourself because Jesus loves you, or let satan rob you of the joy you deserve for following God.

Believe me, i could sit on this computer all morning and type how awful my life is. My wife doesn't believe and undermines my teach of my children. I've had an illness for 25 years, i live in a rented house on benefits and have little or no hope of this EVER changing. I have 2 autistic children who i care for. Need i go on???

Well despite my disability, i'm going out to work in a minute part time. It will cause me pain, stress - some of which will last all day.

Yes i have great sympathy for the situation here. But you must be more positive. Just think of EVERYTHING God gives us daily! Not money, possessions. He loves us, despite our failings. I'm choosing to go out into his world and share his love with everyone i meet. Please do the same. BibleBased.



baabaasheep2006 -> RE: When is it time to separate (5/7/2008 6:19:46 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: BibleBased

In the UK, the marriage serve says love, honor and obey. Also what God has joined together let no man seperate.

Hi BB

Firstly i live in the UK and i didn't say love honor and obey for my wedding vows at my church.



Coming from someone who has been seperated and now divorced (i know the OP is not saying she will get divorced just about seperating) i know just how confusing it can be. You have all these conflicting emotions ranging from anger to hurt. I had to pray to God for a long time and search my own heart as to which way i should go at that point in time. I spoke to my vicar and members of my family who are christians before hand too. All i can say is if he is treating you the way he is and you have tried, and tried and he still wont listen or be prepared to change i think seperation might be the way forward. Sepration doesn't mean you are giving up on your marriage but it might give him the jolt he needs to realise what he is doing is wrong.

As other people have said he cannot have his cake and eat it!!!



BibleBased -> RE: When is it time to separate (5/7/2008 6:47:39 AM)

The more i think about so many christians and their problems - relationship/ money/ anything - it is the position in our lives before the problem occurs of God /Jesus Christ - not the test of our faith by satan, that is the problem. People lose a job and it destroys them. Why? Because they identify themselves as this position or job - not firstly as a Christian. Also the housewife, or man/ woman who is crushed by their relationship failing. But the only relationship that REALLY counts is our walk with Jesus.

We need to put God first, not say we do this. Live each day for him, not arrange our lives, families, work, and they mildly say i'm actually doing these things for Jesus. We are not! We are tacking him on to the decisions we make.

I say again, right now today, after reading this what are you going to do? Move on to read another topic? Sit and watch tv? Read a book? God has given each of us this day. We need to stop letting satan rule our lives and work now for God. How many recorded tv programs need to be watched? How many web sites need to be visited, topics caught up on, friends chatted to?

If Jesus returns today, will he be pleased at all the friends and relations you sat back and let go to hell? Will he be pleased you gave a few minutes a week to outreach/ non believers and hours to the computer your on now? In one ear out the other? Please think of this post when you are turning on the tv or relaxing with a good book. Going for a walk or sun bathing. No urgency to do God's Work, it will be there tomorrow, because none of us believe Jesus is coming any time soon..... BibleBased.



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